The Bubble

I put a poisonous gas in one of these balloons, so if any of them pops, you may die.

No, April, we would all die. Gases fill the volume of whatever container they're in.

School.

11:00 a.m., 'The start-paperwork jamboree.' And then 12:00 noon sharp is the inaugural 'D-Ann-ce Party.'

Get these (BLEEP) balloons out of here.

I think at some point, you and I should probably make out with each other. Yeah, good call.

The best part of any relationship is the beginning. No problems, no fights. Just white wine, cuddling, and crazy amounts of History Channel documentaries.

Just a coincidence. We get it all the time. We laugh about it. But I've never met her. She's Filipino.

You know what I should do? I should get my mother a one-way ticket to London, leaving today.

Stuart, please, could you give us, like, 45 minutes? It's my office, too. Stuart.

You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero.

I just grab a few donuts, sit back, and enjoy the show.

Is this a nightmare? April, wake up.

I did recently sell my Chronicles of Riddick DVD on eBay for $10. Used the profits to buy the Blu-ray.

I saw someone buy crystal meth out of a vending machine. It's a bad place.

I will give 110 percent! Well, as soon as you repeat yourself in a more interesting way.

Looks like you got some shirt on your coffee.

Fun anecdote.

Then I'm confused, Ben, because you just told me it was. Five seconds ago.

This desk is the epitome of the Swedish concept of jämställdhet, or 'equality.'

Swivel! What is it, Jerry? You told me to say your name. And you did a great job, superstar.

You look like a freak. Swivel!

I loved that pillar. It made it really annoying to stand in my doorway.

There's a whole room on the fourth floor where they store the knives they've confiscated from people who went to the fourth floor to stab someone.

Hello, Wall Street. Buy more stocks. Now.

This phone kind of smells like a butt. Try not to move things around. Because technically speaking, this is still a crime scene.

Remind me next time to ask her where she was when Lincoln got shot.

And I definitely heard your feedback from last time, so I only put five Sarah McLachlan songs on this one.

I mean, at one point, for no reason, I just took off my shoes and held them in my hand.

He's like a goofy, spineless jellyfish.

When I first met you, I thought you were a fascist hard-ass. What? A cute fascist hard-ass.

Or we could go to Belize and go scuba diving. And we could look at the whale sharks. You're certified, right? Let's get you certified.

Sir, are you aware that there is waste in your water system?

Hello. Wrong. What? No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking.

'Um' is the sound in 'dumb.' That's what she says to people.

Here is a list of my mother's top 100 favorite conversation topics, starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel Craig.

Tell Mort I said 'Your move.'

How? By shining down on them with the Haverford charm ray.

Julianne Moore just called. She wants her hair back. Nobody named Julien called.

And, two, will you please invite me to your 30th birthday party?

Maybe I'll just find an open window and plummet to my death. Okay.

I'm down to one word a minute, and the word is 'perflipisklup' because I can't fly spaceships.

But this is Chris Traeger, the six million dollar man. He won't quit.

Wow, maybe you should talk to him, Mom. He seems pretty self-assured.

Who was that? I don't know. I saw her crying, and so I helped.

Let your brain unlock the door to your heart's future. I made that expression up when I was 14. Still in use today. By me.

'You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.' I love Calvin and Hobbes. Me, too!

You two are just the cutest things on four legs! But why so much black? It's like you're going to a funeral.

Stop laughing, Muriel. Stop it!

Your mom kind of, um, made a pass at me.

So, Webster's dictionary describes a pork as a... No, it's park... Park. I'm sorry. Geez, okay.

You have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department. Now, wait a minute. I mean that as a compliment.

And you shine a light on him, and he shrinks up faster than an Eskimo's scrotum.

I may have a compromise.

How were you dressed? Oh, my God.

Four buses. Two. Deal.

A year ago, I lived in a pit. Now I got a job, and a kickass wife. And my band is so good, and are you gonna eat that pecan square?

When life gives me lemons, I'm gonna slice them up into wedges and throw them into vodka tonics, which I will then sip in a burlesque nightclub that I co-own with actor Taye Diggs and two of the Pussycat Dolls.

Citizen request. Swivel, swivel, swivel. Hello. I can help you in here, sir.

Everything I built. Jump up here. I'll show you how it's done. See, your problem is you're thinking too much.

What a moron.