Born And Raised

Radio Announcer:This message brought to you by the Pawnee Chamber of Commerce. We're committed to helping those in need. That's why we've donated over 10,000 umbrella hats to homeless people in our community.

Radio Announcer:Because nothing says 'we care' like a hat that's also an umbrella. Specifically designed so homeless people can stay dry while remaining completely unable to use their hands.

Derry Murbles:We'll be back after these messages. I'm taking a vacation to study the squirrel migration patterns in the greater Pawnee area.

Derry Murbles:My research assistant Gary was supposed to join me, but I haven't seen him since we entered the woods three days ago.

Leslie:I was editing the Pawnee Historical Society's guide, and I found some really inappropriate content that had to be removed.

Leslie:There was this whole section I wrote about how Tom Haverford's great-great-grandfather was a suspected horse thief, and I may have added some editorial commentary about how 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.'

Derry Murbles:You see, the brushstrokes of Monet are like the percussion section of a Debussy composition—both are essentially sandwiches.

Leslie Knope:That's a great question, and I appreciate you asking it, but I'm going to stop you right there because I have no idea what you just said.

Leslie:the lesbian Afro-Norwegian funk duo, Nefertiti's Fjord

Leslie:I know this music is terrible, but we have to support local artists.

Derry Murbles:Leslie, that's just a guy playing a kazoo in the corner.

Leslie:A LOCAL guy playing a kazoo in the corner.

Ron:I have made an exception and read your book.

Leslie:Really? What did you think?

Ron:It was well-written. Engaging. I read it in one sitting.

Leslie:That's wonderful!

Ron:I was in the bathtub. Naked. For seven hours.

Leslie:Well, I wanted to make sure it was comprehensive. I included all of my accomplishments, my philosophy on public service, and a detailed timeline of the Pawnee Parks Department's greatest achievements.

Ben:Leslie, it's a plaque.

Leslie:I know that, Ben. But I also wanted to make it personal. So I added some reflections on what this job has meant to me, how it's shaped who I am, and how grateful I am for everyone who's supported me along the way.

Ben:Okay, but the part that concerns me is where you wrote, 'I will never stop thinking about this job. It consumes my every waking moment. I dream about it at night.'

Leslie:What's wrong with that?

Ben:It sounds like you're in love with the Parks Department.

Leslie:I AM in love with the Parks Department!

Ron:You son of a bitch.

April:I'm a speed reader. I can read 20,000 words per minute.

Leslie:April, that's not possible.

April:I read the entire traffic code once. Got pulled over for speeding. Cop said I was going 150 in a 35. I told him I was just speed reading the road signs.

Ron:Did it work?

April:No. He gave me a ticket for speeding and one for reckless endangerment.

Tom:I made promotional pillowcases for the Parks Department. Check it out.

Chris:Tom, this pillowcase has a picture of a sewage treatment plant on it.

Tom:Yeah, I thought it really captures the essence of what we do here.

Chris:I appreciate the effort, Tom, I really do. But I'm not sure people want to rest their heads on a picture of raw sewage.

Tom:The Time-Traveler's Optometrist, by Pawnee's own Penelope Foster. A heartwarming story about a caveman eye doctor who travels to present-day Cincinnati and can see everything but love.

Tom:"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I hope to read it." - Groucho Marx

Tom:But you know what? Joan from accounting put this five-star review on Amazon, and now it's a bestseller.

Tom:Joan Callamezzo has these 'gotcha' moments where she tries to trip you up.

Leslie:Well, I'm not going to fall for it. I'm prepared for anything she throws at me. Bring it on, Joan. I welcome the challenge. I'm not afraid.

Ben:Look, Leslie makes mistakes like everyone else, but her thoroughness is actually her greatest strength.

Jerry:So... you're saying she's thorough?

Ben:Yes.

Jerry:That's not a compliment, Ben. That's what we say about people we don't like.

April:Why are all these people here?

Andy:I don't know. I guess they heard we needed help.

April:Well, tell them to leave.

Andy:I don't want to hurt their feelings.

April:I do.

Ben:Joan, we've actually met before. Remember? At the city council meeting last month?

Joan:I have no idea who you are.

Ben:But you were sitting right next to me. We talked for twenty minutes about zoning regulations.

Joan:Doesn't ring a bell.

Joan:I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl Without being disrespectful

Tom:I'm a parasite. I feed off the success of others and I'm very good at it.

Joan:Of course we do. I'm adorable and he has the good sense to stand next to me.

April:Actually, there's a huge factual error in your book. You say that the government exists to serve the people. That's not true. The government exists to take our money and tell us what to do.

Ron:I have no use for a phone. I don't want people calling me, and I certainly don't want to call them.

Ron:If something is important, they can find me in person. If it's not important, I don't care about it.

Andy:I have really high standards when it comes to dating. A woman has to be intelligent, beautiful, independent... Actually, no. A woman just has to talk to me. That's it. That's the bar. If a woman has ever spoken words in my direction, I'm convinced we're soulmates.

Joan:You want this book club sticker?

Leslie:Yes! Please, I need it for my binder!

Joan:Too bad.

Leslie:*lunges desperately* Come on, Joan! *falls over* Please! *crawls* I'm begging you!

Joan · Leslie:We received a tip that you, Leslie 'Born and Raised' Knope, were not born in Pawnee. What? Gotcha!

Leslie:I can't believe they used gotcha journalism on me. That's so unfair and unethical.

Joan:Well, look on the bright side.

Leslie:What bright side? My reputation is ruined!

Joan:At least you got a cool graphic out of it.

Joan:Where was Leslie Knope actually born? Pawnee. We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly.

Leslie:What are those dancers doing? That's not what we choreographed at all! This is a disaster!

Chris:Joan, your journalism is irresponsible and dangerous. You're a menace to this community.

Chris:That said, that exposé on the mayor was absolutely riveting. I couldn't put it down.

Chris:I've been working on something. I call it 'Treat Yo Self: The Song.' It's catchy, it's got a good beat, and most importantly, it's a gotcha.

Chris:♪ Treat yo self, treat yo self, to the finer things in life. Treat yo self, treat yo self, like you're somebody's wife. ♪

Chris:You see what I did there? It's self-aware, it's humorous, and it's going to be stuck in everyone's heads for days.

Andy:I'm gonna help you out, Leslie. I'm gonna go deep undercover. My name is Agent Bert Macklin, FBI. I have no weaknesses. I can't be killed. And I will find your guy.

Andy:Hey guys, want to grab lunch? There's this great burger place downtown!

April:No.

Ron:Absolutely not.

Andy:What about dinner then? Or breakfast? I make a mean scrambled egg.

April:Stop talking.

Ron:I would rather eat a bowl of nails.

Andy:Cool, cool, cool. So Thursday?

Tom:We need Leslie back on Pawnee Today. She was the heart of this show.

Jerry:I have an idea. What if we create a wall where all the people I've gotcha'd can come sign it?

Ben:Jerry, that's... that's just a wall for your victims.

Jerry:Exactly! It'll be iconic!

Tom:Ben gave me some great business advice.

Ben:I just said 'don't spend more money than you make.'

Tom:Exactly.

Ben:That's not advice, Tom. That's... that's just math.

Tom:She's been distant lately, but I've got a plan. I'm going to surprise her with a romantic dinner, really remind her why she fell for me in the first place.

Tom:Mark my words, by the end of the night, she'll be signing papers.

Tom:Divorce papers.

Audience Member:So where was Leslie Knope born?

Leslie Knope:Pawnee, Indiana.

Audience Member:My God. Pawnee, Indiana produced Leslie Knope? That changes everything. That changes *everything*.

Hostile audience member:Where are you from?

Leslie:I'm from Eagleton.

Hostile audience member:No, where are you REALLY from?

Leslie:Eagleton, Indiana. It's right next to Pawnee.

Hostile audience member:That's not a real place.

Leslie:It's definitely a real place. I grew up there.

Hostile audience member:Well, you sound foreign. Are you a citizen?

Unable to parse - insufficient context provided. The punchline text describing 'her immediate contradiction of her own lie' is not included. Please provide the actual dialogue text to parse.

Joan:I have the sexual appetite of a peacock. A peacock that just discovered cocaine.

Joan:You know what? I'm gonna say it. Ben, you're like a... you're like a wonderbread sandwich.

Ben:I... what?

Joan:Yeah. You're white, you're bland, and you get moldy if you don't use you right away.

Joan:I'm going to powder my nose.

Tom:Your nose doesn't need powder. It looks fine. Are you having a skin condition? Because I know a dermatologist. Well, I know a guy who knows a dermatologist.

Ben:Look, I know nerds. I am a nerd. And nerds are cool now. We run the world. We make the music, the movies, the TV shows. We invented the internet. We're not the weird kids anymore.

Ben:And honestly, Tom, trying to be boring is actually way more embarrassing than just being yourself.

Andy:So April, what do you like to do for fun?

April:I like things.

Andy:Hey, your hair looks really nice today.

April:Thanks. I'm growing it out so I have something to hang myself with.

Andy:So what have you been up to?

April:Well, I had a cyst removed from my ovary last week, and the doctor said it was the size of a grapefruit. Then I watched six hours of Designing Women in a row.

Andy:That's... I didn't need to know that.

April:You asked.

Andy:If you were stranded on a desert island, what's one thing you'd bring?

Ron:A boat.

Leslie:What do you mean crazy-eyed? I'm not crazy-eyed!

Ben:Leslie, in the poll, 34% of respondents described you as 'crazy-eyed.'

Leslie:Crazy-eyed?! I have very sane eyes! These are the eyes of a rational woman!

Leslie:I have to go to Eagleton. Eagleton! Do you know what Eagleton is? It's the worst place in the world. It's a suburban hellhole full of snobs and idiots and people who don't appreciate parks or nature or anything good. And I have to go there. Me! Leslie Knope! I have to set foot in Eagleton!

Leslie:This is worse than that time I had to work with Tammy Two. At least Tammy Two is just one person. Eagleton is like a thousand Tammy Twos in khakis.

Leslie:And if I have to make a movie about this experience, it's going to be called 'Eagleton 2: The Wrath of Khan.' Wait, no. 'Die Hard: With a Vengeance in Eagleton.' Actually, 'Eagleton Forever: The Reckoning.' No! 'Eagleton: The Squeakquel.'

Alexis:Hey Leslie! How are you doing today?

Leslie:What do you want?

Chris:I'd like to get a table for two without a reservation.

Host:I'm sorry, sir, we're completely booked.

Chris:Oh, I think you'll find we can make this work. I'm Chris Traeger, Deputy Director of the Parks Department.

Host:And I think you'll find we can't.

Chris:But... I'm extremely likable.

Andy:I'm gonna break into the records office.

Andy:I'm gonna break something.

Andy:Probably me.

Joan:The infantilizing language and pet names

Ben:You know, Star Trek is actually quite fascinating from a philosophical standpoint. The Prime Directive raises interesting questions about cultural intervention and—wait, sorry, I'm doing it again, aren't I? I'm being a nerd.

Ben:But seriously, the original series had incredible storytelling, and the way they used science fiction to explore real social issues was revolutionary. Did you know that the first interracial kiss on television was between Kirk and Uhura? That was groundbreaking!

Ben:And don't even get me started on the technical specifications of the Enterprise. The warp core, the dilithium crystals—it's all so elegant in its design. I could talk about this for hours.

Joan:I want to take you both home and...bend you over and just...at the same time.

Tom:You know what? I'm shutting down Grawndy's. I know it's my dream, but... Leslie needs me right now. And that's more important.

Tom:Wow, this Egyptian cotton is incredible. Feel this.

Ben:Tom, focus. We need to get Joan to bed.

Tom:I am focused. I'm focused on the thread count. This is 1,200 thread count, Ben. Do you know what that means?

Ben:It means you need to stop touching the sheets and help me.

Tom:It means I've been living a lie, Ben. A lie of substandard bedding.

Andy:Yeah, I got it! I got the birth certificate!

Leslie:Andy, that's amazing! How did you manage that?

Andy:Oh, I just walked into the records office, found the file, and grabbed it.

Leslie:Wait, you just took it?

Andy:Yeah, well, I may have also taken a briefcase that wasn't mine on the way out.

Leslie:You stole a briefcase?

Andy:I don't know, it was just sitting there. Seemed important.

Leslie:Wait, so I wasn't born in Eagleton?

Leslie:I was born in Pawnee? Oh my God, I'm a Pawnee native. I'm basically a traitor to everything I've ever believed in.

Leslie's Mother:We were living in Eagleton at the time because of the raccoon infestation in Pawnee.

Leslie:Mom, there was no raccoon infestation.

Leslie's Mother:That's what we told you.

Leslie:I feel terrible about misleading all those people. I mean, what I did was really dishonest and unethical, and I just... I can't believe I would do something so wrong. I mean, the only thing worse than what I did would be if I were from...

Leslie:Eagleton.

Ann:So I was examining this patient and found this huge cyst, and I had to drain it.

April:How huge? Like a golf ball?

Andy:Did it make a sound when you drained it? Like a whoosh?

April:What color was the fluid?

Ann:Why are you both so excited about this?

Andy:I did it! I got April and Ron to talk to each other. I am a genius. A beautiful, idiot genius.

Ron:I have no need for small talk. I do not play the game. When someone compliments me, I simply nod once and move on.

Andy:That's a great strategy, Ron. You're really a man of few words.

Ron:*nods once*

Ben:Look, I know this is hard. Leslie cares deeply about doing the right thing, but sometimes the right thing and the smart thing aren't the same. You have to weigh the consequences. Will telling the truth actually help anyone, or will it just blow everything up? Because if it's the latter, then maybe you sit on it for now.

Ron:You know what, Ben? That's solid advice. I'm going to start calling you by the wrong name.

Ron:From now on, you're Gerald.

Ben:My name is Ben.

Ron:Not anymore, Gerald.

Joan:I apologize for my behavior last night. I must have had some bad seafood.

Tom:Joan, we were at Applebee's. You ordered a salad.

Leslie:I was born at Pawnee General Hospital, which is right next to the old Rubber Nipple factory. My parents actually met at Nipple Hill, which is what we called the hill behind the factory. So yeah, I'm about as Pawnee as they come.

Leslie:Jim Boehmer! From Lincoln High! You used to wear those glasses with the tape on them, and you had that weird rash on your neck that you'd scratch until it bled.

Jim:How do you know that?

Leslie:And you were allergic to dairy, but you'd eat it anyway because you wanted to impress that girl Jennifer, and then you'd have to go to the nurse's office and get your stomach pumped.

Jim:Okay, that's enough.

Leslie:Plus you wore the same pair of khakis three days in a row, and there was that incident in tenth grade where you peed yourself in the cafeteria because you were too shy to ask for the bathroom pass.

Leslie:I love Pawnee. I love it with all of my heart. It's the most wonderful place in the world. Look, some people love waffles, some people love pancakes. But I love Pawnee. It's like a waffle - golden, crispy on the outside, soft and fluffy on the inside, and it makes you happy.

Jerry:I've been fact-checking everything the department says for the last six months.

Leslie:That's great, Jerry. What have you found?

Jerry:Well, turns out we don't actually need to fact-check anything. We're the government. Nobody checks us.

Donna:You know what? Let him be happy.

Leslie:Yeah, I agree. It's not hurting anybody.