Born And Raised

Sweetums Cares, a non-profit group, that puts umbrella hats on homeless people when it rains

David Parker, who took off for eight months to study the migration patterns of our nation's squirrels. We have not seen him since.

we removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns

could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of words, which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted?

One could say that. But should one?

the lesbian Afro-Norwegian funk duo, Nefertiti's Fjord

Oh, wow. They are terrible. Yes, they're quite awful, but they are lesbians. So...

Usually, I only read nautical novels and my own personal manifestos

I started thinking about you as a woman and as a person, and I got carried away.

Okay, mine just says, 'Get well soon.' Aren't you sick? No. Something's off.

I can read over 3,000 words a minute, with total comprehension. One time, I read all of Siddhartha at a traffic stop.

I brought some Entertainment 720 pillowcases for your pillow. Never Stop Dreaming. Tom Haverford. I never do. Chris Traeger. Respect. Game recognize game.

The Time-Traveler's Optometrist, by Pawnee's own Penelope Foster. A heartwarming story about a caveman eye doctor who travels to present-day Cincinnati and can see everything but love.

Unreadable. Then, Joan slaps her sticker on it. Best-seller four years in a row.

Well, she's not going to 'getch' me.

If there's one thing Leslie's not, it's sloppy. She's also not brief. This is going to take forever.

Here we go. Helping Leslie. Okey-doke.

Hi. Joan Callamezzo. Yeah. Hi, Ben Wyatt. We've met. I don't think so. Yeah, I was on your show. Nope.

I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl Without being disrespectful

At the risk of bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man, is me, smiling and taking partial credit.

Ben, I'm cute together with everybody.

Yeah, actually, in here it says that Pawnee is great. But in reality, it's terrible.

I've never used a phone in my life.

Here's my goal. I'm going to get these two people that I've known for a long time to talk to me for five minutes. Who am I kidding? One minute. One minute would be amazing.

Oh... Oh...Whoa! Where should... Over here? Back here? Where is it now? Come on. Stick it. Ooh! Hang on Stick the sticker. No, no, no. Not so fast. Put it on.

We received a tip that you, Leslie 'Born and Raised' Knope, were not born in Pawnee. What? Gotcha!

I have to tell you. This feels like 'Gotcha' journalism. In what way? That way. You put 'Gotcha' on my face.

Where was Leslie Knope actually born? Pawnee. We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly.

Oh, God. Not the 'Gotcha' dancers.

That was despicable I am horrified at her tactics. That said, the show was very lively.

Joan 'Gotcha' Don't it hurt ya

When Leslie's in trouble, there's only one man for the job. Bert Macklin, FBI. You thought I was dead? So did the President's enemies.

You know, I think I'm just gonna hang out here with you guys, if that's cool. It's not. Great. I could leave. I could. But I'm not going to. I will get my one minute of small talk, damn it.

We wanted her to sign the 'Gotcha' wall.

I was the first one to tell you that?

Joan's a married woman. She wants what she can't have. It's a game of cat and mouse.

I think I speak on behalf of everyone in the entire world when I say, we need to know the truth about where you were born

You should go back where you came from. I am back from where I came from. That sentence was confusing! You might as well be from China!

When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should model. That never happened.

I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches.

I'll have another drink, and so will this adorable hunk of caramel to my right.

Is she going to powder her vagina?

You know, nerd culture is mainstream now. So, when you use the word 'nerd' derogatorily, it means you're the one that's out of the Zeitgeist.

Hey, April. I was looking to get some new music. And I was wondering if you could recommend anything. The Internet.

I really like your haircut. Where did you get it? Prison.

How is your sister doing? She has the shingles. Who is your favorite character on Sex and the City? ALF.

You're stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing that you bring with you? Silence.

13% think I'm crazy-eyed? What? Why?

Eagleton is the land of rich, snobby jerks. There's a whole chapter about it in my book. I could write a second book about Eagleton and how stupid it is. And I'd call it, Eagleton: The Land of Rich, Snobby Jerks

Take it down a notch, Alexis. I need a copy of my birth certificate.

Wow. That usually works.

That's broken.

Take me home, dumpling. It's beddy time.

They're making a sequel. I'm assuming with the same alternate timeline. But if J.J. Abrams and company expect us to believe that it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk well, let's just say the message boards are going nuts.

I want to take you both home and...bend you over and just...at the same time.

It's not about the business anymore, man. She's a disaster. We've got to make sure she gets home safe.

Say what you will about Joan, but she knows how to decorate a bedroom. Wow. Oh, my God. Where the hell am I? I just want to see how soft these sheets are. One second. Tom. No. Come on. Let's go.

I also got this dude's briefcase. It was just laying there. Kind of a panic move. I believed in you. But you should put that back. Okay.

I'm from Eagleton.

Pawnee Hospital was overrun with raccoons at the time, so we had to go to the next closest hospital.

I'm the liar. I'm worse than a liar. I'm an... Eagletonian.

Well, this guy came in. He got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and he tried to cut himself out. Was there a lot of blood? What kind of blade did he use? Three and a half inch. Serrated. Buckets of blood.

Everyone in the universe loves a gross medical story. Boom! I win!

When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them. That's a genius move. Thank you. You're welcome, Lester.

Where you were born is a piece of trivia. Where you're from? That's what makes you who you are. And you are from Pawnee. You're more Pawnee than anyone I know.

Damn it. He's right. Well said. Thanks, Ron. You're welcome, Steve.

Well, thank you for getting me home last night. I wasn't feeling very well. Because of some bad seafood that I ate. Yes. That's probably what it was.

When I was nine years old, I broke my arm sledding on that giant hill behind Kernston's Rubber Nipple factory. You know, Nipple Hill.

Do you remember when you peed your pants in second grade? Why did you bring that up? I said yes. You stuck your underwear in your drawer and you got real embarrassed, and then the teacher came over and pulled them out? And everybody called you 'the gerbil' because you always smelled like soiled wood chips?

But somewhere, in some town, there really are the best waffles in the world. So delicious and rich and golden brown that anyone who tasted them would decide never to leave that town. Somewhere, those waffles exist. Why can't it be here?

Leslie? Here's the thing. I've been all over the state. Indianapolis, Bloomington, Lafayette, Muncie, Gary, all the places you mention in the book. And I've interviewed all the people you mentioned. And so far, there is not one incorrect fact.

He just seems so happy. I didn't say anything.