The Trial Of Leslie Knope

April:That's so great, Ron. I'm really happy for you.

Ron:No, you're not.

April:No, I'm not.

Ron:I don't understand. How do they know I looked at boat shoes online?

April:Cookies. They track your browsing.

Ron:Cookies? I didn't eat any cookies.

April:No, it's not actual cookies. It's data.

Ron:Then why would they call it that? That's a lie. I hate this.

April:Oh, and the government is also tracking your location through your phone.

Ron:WHAT?!

Chris:Ben and Leslie? That's... I mean, wow. Ben's usually into these really intense, driven, ambitious women. Leslie is basically a golden retriever in a blazer.

Leslie:Wait, what are you doing?

Chris:I'm trying to help you up.

Leslie:From what? I'm standing.

Chris:You know what? I think we're all going to feel a lot better after we get through this ethics investigation.

Leslie:I arrived early for my hearing.

Ben:Leslie, it's 3 AM.

Leslie:I know. Early!

Ben:I tried to get here early, but... you can't out-early Leslie Knope. It's impossible. She's like a golden retriever mixed with a hurricane.

Leslie:Thank you so much for this Li'l Sebastian toy!

Ben:You're welcome.

Leslie:You're the best. I love you so much.

Ben:I love you too.

Narrator:Leslie was talking to the toy.

Narrator:But also Ben.

Leslie:If I get in trouble for this, I swear I'll die. Actually, no, I won't die. I'll just wish I was dead. Which is worse because then I have to live with the disappointment.

Ben:I'm a wrinkled, hideous monster.

Leslie:So why do they call him 'The Hammer'?

Ben:Oh, it's because he's very aggressive in court. He just hammers away at witnesses, hammers the opposing counsel...

Leslie:Okay, that makes sense.

Ben:Actually, no. The real reason is he has a claw hammer collection and he once threatened to use one on a judge.

Leslie:Chris, you say you're miserable, but you're smiling.

Chris:I'm not smiling, I'm in pain. I tried that herbal remedy you suggested.

Leslie:Which one? The turmeric blend? The activated charcoal?

Chris:All of them. I mixed them together. My mouth tastes like a forest fire mixed with wet gym socks.

Leslie:That's... not ideal.

Chris:It gets worse. Then I added the ginger root, the cayenne pepper, and that mysterious powder you said was 'basically magic.'

Chris:Now my mouth feels like a spaceship.

Leslie:You know, throughout history, there have been people willing to accept unjust punishment for their beliefs. Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Joan of Arc...

Leslie:I would be willing to go to jail for showing my elbow.

Leslie:It was at the Ice Town press conference. Ben had just announced that Ice Town was a bad idea, and I realized I was in love with him. So I kissed him. It was a Tuesday. Actually, it was a Thursday. No wait, it was definitely a Tuesday because I remember I had eaten a turkey sandwich for lunch, and I only eat turkey on Tuesdays. Well, I eat turkey other days too, but that day it was specifically a turkey sandwich, not a wrap, and it had mustard—spicy mustard, not yellow mustard. Anyway, the point is, it was magical and perfect and everyone was watching and I didn't care because I was in love. I'm doing it again, aren't I? Oversharing?

Leslie:What? No! I would never ask for special treatment. I'm a public servant. I believe in following the rules and treating everyone equally.

Ben:Leslie, they're asking if you've ever used your position to get personal benefits.

Leslie:Oh! Personal benefits! No, no, no. I mean, yes, sometimes I park in the handicapped spot, but only because my car is very large and I need the extra space. And occasionally I'll expense my lunch to the Parks Department, but I eat it at my desk while working, so it's basically a work meal. And sure, I had the city pay for my dental work, but I was eating city food, so it was their responsibility.

Leslie:Andy, I need you to get me evidence from the warehouse.

Andy:Yes! Absolutely! I'm on it!

Leslie:You don't even know what I'm asking you to do.

Andy:Doesn't matter. I'm ready to go. Let's do this!

Leslie:Andy, I need you to follow these instructions very carefully. First, go to the filing cabinet, open the second drawer, and pull out the folder marked 'Q'. Then bring it directly to my office. Do not stop, do not look in the folder, do not talk to anyone. Got it?

Andy:Yeah, yeah, I got it. Second drawer, folder Q, your office. Easy.

Leslie:Andy, I'm serious. This is important.

Andy:I know, I know. I'm on it.

Tom:Hey Andy, where you going?

Andy:Leslie needs me to... uh... do something with a... thing. Actually, I have no idea what I'm doing. You wanna get lunch?

Leslie:Ron, you're the Parks Director. How do you not know the other department heads?

Ron:I prefer to keep my interactions to a minimum. Less talking, more doing.

Leslie:But they work in the same building! Ann, back me up here.

Ann:Yeah, Ron, it's kind of your job to know who these people are.

Ron:I know who they are. I just don't know their names or faces.

Leslie:Those are the two main ways to know someone!

Leslie:History will remember me as the woman who got things done.

Leslie:April, I need you to be honest with me, but also tell me what I want to hear.

April:Those are the same thing.

Leslie:No they're not!

Leslie:The subject line was 'yay' with forty-seven Y's and eighty-three exclamation points.

Leslie:In a world... where one woman dared to dream bigger than anyone thought possible... where she fought for what she believed in... where she never gave up... even when the odds were against her...

Leslie:I'm pregnant!

Leslie:I'm equally excited about learning iMovie.

Tom:Leslie? Oh, she's a great employee. Very... on-brand.

Chris:So, are you and Leslie lovers?

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa! No! We're not— I mean, she's married to Ben. We're just friends and colleagues.

Chris:I was just asking a simple question.

Tom:Yeah, well, don't use that word. 'Lovers' sounds so... European and weird.

Tom:Leslie and I never dated because she's like a beautiful, ambitious, hard-working golden retriever, and I'm like a possum that plays dead when things get difficult.

Citizen:Your Honor, I've known Leslie Knope for years, and she's the most dedicated public servant I know.

Judge:Thank you. Do you have anything else to add?

Citizen:Well, I would, but honestly, I blame the court stenographer for everything that's gone wrong in my life. My divorce, my job loss, my baldness — all her fault.

Citizen:I'm gonna hold myself in contempt of court!

Jerry:I didn't do it. But while I'm under oath, I should probably mention I stole a laptop from the office in 2009 and spilled spaghetti all over it.

Donna:Um, khakis and button-down shirts-- your basic white people clothes.

Donna:I may have thrown a TV out the window. But that's just because I got mad at the ending of a Lifetime movie.

Leslie:I crushed it in there. I've watched every episode of Law & Order: SVU. I basically know everything about the legal system.

Ann:Leslie, that's not how any of this works.

Leslie:Ice-T agrees with me.

Leslie:Your Honor, I stand before you today to defend the integrity of our parks and the grants— I mean, the... the grands...

Leslie:No wait, grants. G-R-A—

Judge:Ms. Knope, are you quite finished?

Leslie:I'm sorry, I just... I had this whole thing planned and now I've ruined the entire moment by not knowing how to say a basic word that I use constantly in my job.

Leslie:Ethel, I'm concerned about you betting on the town election. That raises serious ethical questions.

Ethel:Leslie, you're literally on trial for ethics violations.

Ron:I don't have an address. I have a series of unmarked dirt roads and a hand-drawn map that I destroyed after committing it to memory.

Judge/Lawyer:Sir, we need your address for the court record.

Ron:You're welcome to try and find it. Many have tried. All have failed. I've hidden my cabin so well that I can barely find it myself.

Leslie:Ron, I need your address for the official record.

Ron:Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

Leslie:42 Ramsett Point Road!

Ron:Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

Leslie:42 RAMSETT POINT ROAD, PAWNEE, INDIANA!

Ron:Tammy Two is a demon. Literally a demon. I'm not speaking figuratively or hyperbolically. I mean that she is actually a demon from Hell.

Tammy:I have evidence that will destroy you.

Chris:Tammy, if you release that, I will never come to another Sweetums event.

Tammy:You wouldn't dare.

Leslie:I mean, he's just a maintenance worker. He's not important. Nobody cares about him.

Leslie:It's not like he's gonna go to the police or anything. I mean, I've done worse things than that.

Jerry Gergich:Yes, I used the spa gift certificate. I got a facial and let me tell you, my skin has never felt better. It was wonderful.

George:I can't read this without my glasses.

George:Wait, it says 'If you can't read this, you're too blind to read.'

Leslie:I need time to research my defense. I'm going to need a recess.

Judge:How long?

Leslie:Twelve years.

Andy:Why does my book not have any pictures? I specifically asked for the pop-up version.

Tom:In 1631, it was illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday. In 1662, it was illegal to kiss your wife on any day. By 1687, it was just illegal to have a wife.

Andy:Oh man, check this out. There's this old law still on the books that's just... wow, this is really dark.

Andy:I can't believe nobody's done anything about this. It's just sitting there, making us all look terrible.

April:According to this 1887 municipal code, a woman can't leave her house without her husband's permission or a signed letter from him.

Andy:Wow. That's... actually not a terrible idea.

Ron:You're not a bad person. You're just a person who does bad things sometimes. We all do. The difference between you and most people is that you feel bad about it, which is annoying, but also kind of admirable.

Leslie:I let everyone down. I'm so sorry.

Tom:Are you kidding me? This is the proudest I've ever been of you. You bent the rules, cut some corners, maybe broke a few laws. That's not failure, Leslie—that's growth.

Chris:Leslie really wounded me to the core. I've been doing core exercises all week and my abs are killing me.

Ben:Can you please stop jumping? We're having a serious conversation.

Chris:I can't help it. Jumping is how I manage my depression.

Chris:Was it worth it? All the trouble?

Ben:Yeah.

Chris:*deep breath* That was... that was really beautiful, Ben.

Narrator:Chris made several emotional sounds: a whimper, a sigh, and what could only be described as a sustained moan of appreciation.

Jerry:Actually, my name isn't Jerry. It's Garry. With two Rs and no 'J'. But everyone's called me Jerry for so long, I didn't want to be rude and correct you all.

Tom:Wait, so your name is Garry?

Jerry:Well, technically it's Gareth. But like I said, I've just gotten used to Jerry.

Tom:Wait, your name is Gary? Gary Gergich?

Tom:That's somehow worse than Jerry. I'm gonna keep calling you Jerry.

Chris:I... I need a minute. I need to process this information about Gary. This is... this is a lot to take in right now.