Ms. Knope Goes To Washington

Leslie:The Capitol building is a symbol of everything that's great about this country. The dome, the marble columns, the sense of history and importance...

Andy:It looks like a really big penis.

Andy:Wait, the Capitol building looks like a boob.

Leslie:It doesn't look like a boob, Andy.

Andy:The dome is totally a boob. You're telling me the founding fathers built a giant boob in the middle of our nation's capital and nobody noticed?

Leslie:That's not... that's not what it looks like.

Andy:What about the Washington Monument? That's obviously a... you know.

Leslie:A what?

Andy:A giant... it's phallic, Leslie. Our capital is basically a dirty joke.

Leslie:Andy, those are architectural landmarks that represent—

Andy:And the Lincoln Memorial? Two giant stone legs. Very subtle, guys.

Leslie:I'm like your guidebook.

Andy:Oh, okay.

Andy:Then I don't need this anymore.

Andy:*throws away actual guidebook*

Leslie:No, no, no, Andy!

Leslie:The National Mall is one of the most historic parks in the country.

Andy:Wait, there's a mall? I need to go get some flip-flops.

Leslie:No, Andy, it's not a shopping mall. It's a national park.

Andy:Oh. Well, that's disappointing.

Ron:I'm throwing the annual barbecue.

Leslie:You mean the Pawnee Harvest Festival Celebration Barbecue Extravaganza?

Tom:♪ Parks and Rec, it's the best in the laaand ♪

Tom:♪ You gotta fill out Form 27-B before you use the sand ♪

Tom:♪ Submit it in triplicate, notarized and signed ♪

Tom:♪ Leave it at the office, we'll review it in time ♪

Ron:I don't understand why we need all these activities. We have meat. We have fire. We cook the meat on the fire. That's a barbecue. Everything else is just... noise.

Jerry:Can I bring corn to the barbecue?

Ron:No. Corn is a vegetable.

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa! This could be a treasure map!

Leslie:Andy, that's gum.

Andy:Gum that's been here for like a hundred years. That makes it old gum. Old things are valuable.

Leslie:It's literally just gum stuck to a monument.

Andy:A monument to treasure hunting!

Leslie:And this is the Washington Monument, built to honor our first president, George Washington. It's one of the most iconic structures in our nation's capital.

Andy:It's a big... you know.

Leslie:Yes, Andy, it's a monument.

Andy:No, I mean it's like a giant... it's a big ol' dong.

Chris:You're doing great, Ron! That's perfect form! The way you're holding that spatula is really inspiring! Keep it up!

Chris:Ron? Ron, did you hear me? I said your form is inspiring!

Chris:He can't hear me, can he? He's like fifty yards away.

Tom:Wait, the pig's name is Tom?

Ron:Yes. It's a coincidence.

Ron:Now children, gather around. I'm going to show you how we turn this pig into delicious meat. First, we need a sharp knife and a steady hand. You see, when you slit the throat, you want to cut deep and quick so the pig doesn't suffer. Then we'll hang it up by the hind legs and let all the blood drain out into this bucket. Next comes the fun part—we scald it in boiling water to remove the hair and skin. Then we use this cleaver to split open the belly and remove all the organs. Each one has a specific purpose. The liver, the kidneys, the heart—all delicious. And don't worry about the squealing sound it makes, that's just air escaping from the lungs. Who wants to help me gut it?

Ron:It's not a real permit, just my libertarian philosophy written down.

Andy:Hey, you know what? You're doing a great job. Really impressive work here.

Security Guard:Oh, uh... thanks?

Andy:No, seriously. The way you stand there, the alertness, the uniform. You're like a human sentinel.

Security Guard:Well, I appreciate that.

Andy:Which is why I have to ask — where are you hiding the treasure maps?

Security Guard:What? I'm not hiding anything.

Andy:A guy as thorough as you? A museum this old? There's definitely treasure maps. And you know where they are.

Leslie:Oh my gosh, we should go to the Ritz-Carlton and get spa treatments, and then we can hit up the Natural History Museum, and then—

April:We're going to sit in the hotel room and watch TV.

Leslie:What? No, April, we have so much to see and do!

April:I'm aware of what exists, Leslie. I choose not to experience it.

Ben:Goodbye, April.

April:Hey, Ben? Your eyes are on my butt.

Ben:What? No, they're not.

April:They are. It's okay. But they are.

Jerry:I'm exhausted. I walked all the way from the parking lot.

Ann:Jerry, that's like fifty feet.

Jerry:I know. My dogs are barking. I need to sit down.

Tom:Just sit on the ground.

Jerry:On the ground? With all this dirt and... groundness?

Tom:That's not a picnic blanket, that's a Hermès throw.

Donna:So what are we?

Tom:We're Tomna.

Donna:No.

Tom:Donnom?

Donna:No.

Tom:Ton?

Tom:We're doing this. We're moving in together. Right now.

Ann:Tom, we've known each other for like three hours.

Tom:Exactly. So we better lock this down before you come to your senses.

Ann:I'm going to come to my senses in like five minutes.

Tom:Then we have to sign the lease before that happens.

Ann:We can't sign a lease right now. We're drunk.

Tom:Even better. We won't remember how stupid this is.

Tom:Look, I need this. My credit is shot, my car payment is three months behind, and I'm pretty sure my landlord is going to evict me. So yes, we're staying together.

Tom:At least until I can figure out how to tell my mom that I'm not actually engaged anymore. She already posted about it on Facebook.

Tom:My stomach's doing that thing again. That... growly-wowly noise.

Chris:What should we give the kids to drink at the barbecue?

Ron:Water it down beer. Why waste good beer on kids when you can just give them water?

Ron Swanson:When you grill a steak, you're not just cooking meat. You're engaging in an ancient ritual that connects you to your ancestors, to the land, to the very essence of what it means to be alive. The sizzle of fat hitting hot iron, the smoke rising like incense to the gods of carnivore heaven. You caress the meat with your tongs like you're touching the skin of a lover. You whisper to it. You tell it that everything is going to be okay.

Leslie:Ben and I are like the Obamas, or the Clintons, or any other power couple in history. We even have a signature dance move.

Leslie:*demonstrates an awkward dance move*

Receptionist:You fill out the form, wait six to eight weeks, and we'll review your application.

Leslie:Yeah, but I'm going to get it done in like two weeks because I'm going to call you every single day and bring you waffles and find out what your favorite song is, and then I'm going to write it on the form so when you see my application you'll be like, 'Oh, this girl gets me.'

Leslie:I've prepared a multimedia presentation for this grant application. It includes a 47-minute interpretive dance sequence, a holographic recreation of our town's founding, and a original song cycle performed by the Pawnee Community Theater.

Ben:Leslie, it's a $500 grant application.

Leslie:I know. That's why I kept it simple.

Leslie:There are apparently eight different Pawnees.

Tom:Yeah, there's Pawnee, Indiana, Pawnee, Oklahoma, Pawnee, Illinois...

Leslie:Okay, so my entire town's identity is completely generic.

April:You're fired. I'm taking your office.

Andy:Wait, so you're telling me I have to wear pants? Like, real pants?

Andy:But where am I supposed to get pants? Is there like a pants station or something? Do they just hand out free pants?

Jerry:I've got some smuggled candy if you're hungry.

Tom:Smuggled candy? Yes, please.

Jerry:It's raisins. Nature's candy.

Tom:Jerry, raisins are just dried grapes. That's not candy, that's... that's just sad.

Ann:Tom, there's glitter all over my clothes. What did you do?

Tom:Oh, that's my new business venture: Glitter Gal. We bedazzle your entire wardrobe while you sleep.

Ann:That's insane. What's your slogan?

Tom:Glitter Gal: Because you didn't ask for it, but you're getting it anyway.

Ann:You've got glitter condoms, glitter lube, glitter body spray...

Tom:Glitter toilet paper. The slogan is 'Leave a Sparkly Surprise.'

Andy:These little pigs in a blanket are amazing! And the crab cakes? Forget about it!

April:I know. I've been taking them all night.

Andy:Wait, what? You're stealing them?

April:Not just the food. The plates too.

Party Guest:Local government is really important.

Party Guest:I see it as charity work for elderly people.

Leslie:Today I got mistaken for Jennifer Aniston at the grocery store.

Ben:That's nice.

Leslie:I know! I've accomplished so much.

Chris:What happened to those vegan soy patties I brought?

Ron:I gave them to some children to use as skipping stones.

Jerry:If you don't help me to the bathroom right now, I'm going to urinate in the trees.

Leslie:I need some fresh air.

Ben:Leslie, we're outside.

Leslie:I need fresher air!

Leslie:These D.C. women are like Machiavelli in a pencil skirt. They smile while they're cutting you down, they network at charity galas, and they somehow make political betrayal look like it's from a Vogue photoshoot.

Leslie:We have a pothole the size of a small car, our parks are underfunded, and there's a duck that won't leave the community center pool. It's been there for three weeks and I think it might be planning something.

Ben:Hey, you know what? You're an amazing woman. You're smart, you're passionate, you care about people.

Leslie:Thanks, Ben.

Ben:And you know what else? You're not alone. There are tons of amazing women out there doing incredible things.

Leslie:Really?

Ben:Yeah. I mean, look at—

Leslie:I have a list. Women I admire. It's numbered. I've been working on it since high school. I'm up to 247.

Tom:Okay, okay, hear me out. 'Glitter Cheeks' — it's a blush that's 60% actual glitter.

Jerry:That sounds like a skin condition.

Tom:The slogan is 'Sparkle Like You've Made Better Life Choices.'

Donna:Oh, I know. Tom told me you two broke up. He was very upset.

Ann:Wait, when did he tell you that?

Donna:I don't know, a while ago. I lie about stuff all the time, so I can't really keep track of when people tell me things.

Leslie:I created a composite woman in my head. She's got Natalie Portman's face, Scarlett Johansson's body, and Michelle Obama's arms.

Andy:Hey, look, I know you're upset about the merger, but think about it — it's like an amalgam of two great things coming together.

Leslie:That's... actually not a terrible way to look at it.

Andy:Right? And you know what an amalgam is? It's like a llama, but with more letters. A-M-A-llama. I'm basically a genius.

Chris:You know what? I've been forwarding around some really funny email chains about the puppet show.

Jerry:Oh, that's great!

Chris:Yeah, but then I realized I accidentally forwarded your entire financial portfolio to the whole office.

Jerry:What?!

Chris:And now everyone's been forwarding it around. It's become more popular than the puppet show emails.

Jerry:No, no, no...

Andy:Oh my god, is that a gun?

Leslie:Don't touch it, that's evidence.

Andy:Finders keepers!

Leslie:That's not how the law works.

Andy:I'm calling it. This gun is mine now. I'm gonna name it Mr. Whiskers and we're gonna be best friends.

Andy:Welcome to the Washington Monument, folks. This thing was built in 1884, and it's the tallest structure in D.C. Fun fact: it's also where they filmed that awesome scene in Independence Day where the alien ship blows it up. Will Smith is so cool.

Tourist:Actually, the monument was completed in 1884, and Independence Day came out in 1996.

Andy:Yeah, well, the point is it's really tall and stuff, and that movie had way more history in it than this building, to be honest. Next stop: the Lincoln Memorial, where Lincoln give his famous speech about, uh, doing stuff.

Andy:So the Oval Office is called that because it's shaped like an oval, right? But here's the thing - most people don't know the real origin story. It actually comes from Orville Redenbacher.

Andy:See, JFK loved popcorn. Like, loved it. And Orville Redenbacher was his favorite brand. So one day, JFK is eating popcorn in the Oval Office, and a kernel pops and flies into his ear. And he's like, 'This office is shaped like a popcorn kernel!' So they renamed it the Oval Office. Oval like a popcorn kernel.

Tourist:That doesn't sound right.

Andy:It's 100% true. I learned it at the visitor center.

Leslie:That was an amazing tour, Andy. Really incredible.

Andy:Thank you! You know what, I'm going to start charging for these tours.

Andy:Five thousand dollars per person.