Soda Tax

Ben:Oh wow, a care package! Let me see what we have here... chocolate, cookies, gummy bears...

Ben:This is so nice. Wait, there's a note. 'Box 1 of 12.'

Ben:One of... twelve?

Andy:April, will you do my laundry?

April:No.

Andy:But I'm out of clean underwear.

April:So?

Andy:So I've been wearing the same pair inside-out for three days.

April:Oh my God. Why would you do that? That's disgusting.

April:I can't unsee that. I'm going to see that every time I close my eyes.

April:I love you.

Andy:Really?

April:No. But I respect the effort.

Leslie:Do you know how much sugar is in a single can of soda? It's disgusting. Look at this.

Leslie:This is what you're putting into your body when you drink these beverages.

Leslie:It's a public health crisis and— mmm, that's good sugar.

Leslie:There's the Sweetbriar Café, that's got great salads. Uh, the Healthy Harvest Bowl. Oh! The Garden Patch. Nutrición Natural. The Kale Yeah! smoothie bar.

Leslie:And then there's Crammed into a Burlap Sack with Wet Spinach, the Diarrhea Shack, Regret, and my personal favorite, You're Going to Die Anyway So Why Not Eat This Bucket of Lard.

Leslie:I want to help turn around some of these unhealthy restaurants. Like The Sweetums factory cafeteria, JJ's Diner, Paunch Burger...

Ben:What about that organic place that was here?

Leslie:Oh, Organic Grill? Yeah, we kind of drove them out of business.

Leslie:A Number Two? Ron, that's disgusting!

Ron:You don't owe me anything. I was just doing my job. And if you really want to repay me, you can do your job well. That's all the thanks I need.

Ben:And this is why consistent fonts are so important in professional memos. You never want to use something like Papyrus. Papyrus is the worst. It's like Comic Sans had a baby with a seizure.

April:Papyrus? Are you kidding me? That font is a nightmare. It's the typeface equivalent of a child's drawing of a font. It's what happens when someone decides that readability is for people who actually care about communicating.

Ben:they call me Devo, 'cause I can "whip 'em good."

Ben:It has to be 12-point font. 13-point is obnoxious.

Jerry:I would exercise, but it conflicts with my nap schedule.

Andy:I'm getting in shape for the police academy. I'm gonna do a push-up.

Andy:Two miles in under 25 minutes? That's like... 8 minutes a mile. That's impossible. Nobody can run that fast.

Leslie:We're introducing a new small soda size. We're calling it the 'Satisfactory.'

April:That's stupid.

Leslie:We also have the 'Adequate' and the 'Fine.'

Ron:I would never order something called 'Adequate.'

Leslie:Well, that's the whole point. We want people to feel disappointed.

Ms. Pinewood:The only customers are children for dollhouses.

Leslie:A full gallon of soda being called 'regular' size? That's insane!

Ron:Leslie, that's exactly the size I order.

Leslie:Of course you do.

Leslie:This massive drink is a child size.

Ms. Pinewood:Well, it's the amount of soda a child can finish before their hands get too small to hold the cup.

Andy:If I can't be a cop, I'll just become a criminal. That way I'm still in the system.

Chris:I'm really proud of you, Andy.

Andy:Thanks, Chris! That means a lot.

Chris:Oh, I'm not proud of what you've done. I'm proud of what you're going to do.

Andy:...What?

Ben:Are those inappropriate drawings of me?

April:They're not inappropriate. They're very detailed and well-rendered.

Ben Wyatt:Wait, so you're telling me these interns have connections to powerful people?

Jen Barkley:Oh yes. One intern's roommate's cousin works at the mayor's office in a neighboring county.

Ben Wyatt:That's... pretty tenuous.

Jen Barkley:Another one knows someone who once sat next to a state senator on a flight. And the third intern's uncle went to high school with a guy who is now married to someone in the governor's administration.

Ben Wyatt:These are incredibly weak connections.

Jen Barkley:Weak? These are gold. This is how the world works.

Leslie Knope:Wait, how does Water Zero have 300 calories? It's water.

Ms. Pinewood:Well, it's not just water. It's water that's been enhanced with our proprietary blend of vitamins, minerals, and calorie-dense ingredients that make it taste like water.

Leslie Knope:So it's not water.

Ms. Pinewood:It's Water Zero.

Ms. Pinewood:Even the diet version contradicts its own name

Angry Woman:My husband gained 60 pounds drinking soda, and now he won't have sex with me!

Leslie:Well, that's a real problem. When did he start drinking all this soda?

Angry Woman:About two years ago.

Leslie:And when did he stop having sex with you?

Angry Woman:About three years ago.

Leslie:So... he wasn't having sex with you before the soda?

Man:Taxation is theft! The government has no right to take my money!

Man:If I can just take what I want, why can't the government?

Man:I'm going to prove it right now!

Leslie:Wait, what are you—

Man:See? I'm taking this purse!

Leslie:That's... that's literally a crime. Security!

Man:I didn't even make it to the door.

Tom:This is my modified pace car. It's a replica of the one from Knight Rider.

Tom:I installed all the same features - the scanner light, the leather interior, the voice activation system.

Tom:I even programmed it to call me 'Michael' like KITT did.

Tom:So... what do you guys think?

Tom:Nobody? Really? Knight Rider? Devon Miles? The Trans Am? Nothing?

Chris:I exercise because it makes me feel alive and energized. But honestly, underneath all that positivity, I'm terrified of dying. I'm completely petrified of it. That's the real reason I work out.

Ben:Hey interns, what's up? You guys are really... on fleek right now. That's still a thing, right? Fleek?

Ben:No? Okay. Well, you're all very... lit. Is that what you say? You're all very lit?

Ben:I'm going to stop talking now.

Ben:You know what, Ellis? I'm gonna call you 'B-Money.' How do you like that?

Ellis:I don't like it.

Ben:Okay, how about 'The Frisbee King'? You throw a mean disc, my man.

Ellis:That's not even a nickname, that's just describing what I do.

Ben:Right, right. Well, that was a real slam dunk on the field today. You really knocked it out of the park with that backhand.

Ellis:Those are baseball terms.

Ben:I know, but they're also life terms, Ellis. Life terms.

Town Hall Citizen:Why don't we just tax people based on how much they complain? My neighbor would owe like $50,000 a year.

Leslie:To be clear, we will not be taxing genitals.

Town Hall Citizen:Wait, what meeting is this?

Restaurant Worker:I heard they might be closing this place down.

Restaurant Worker:All I can think about is Leslie Knope and how she'd somehow turn this into a government project.

Ben:Did you see that catch? I'm on fire!

April:You're not on fire. You're just standing there holding a frisbee.

Ben:Well, I'm in the zone. I'm totally in focus.

April:You mean you're developing nicely?

Ben:What's the score?

April:We're winning 5 to 3.

Ben:That's not possible. There's only four of us.

April:I know. We're very good.

Andy:What do you run for?

Chris:I run for the same reason I do everything else — to achieve my personal best and to inspire those around me to do the same.

Andy:But like, why though?

Chris:Because... because if I stop moving forward, if I stop pushing myself, then what's the point? What am I? Just another person getting older, watching my life slip away while I convince myself it all matters.

Andy:Dude, are you okay?

Chris:I'm fine! Treat yo' self!

Andy:I think I pulled something. Actually, I think I pulled everything. My muscles have muscles and those muscles are sore.

Andy:I can't move my arms. Can someone feed me? I'm basically paralyzed.

Andy:This is it. This is how it ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper and severe muscle pain from doing like five push-ups.

Leslie:I'm like a confused puppy in a library of voting machines. I don't know which way is up, or left, or... dimple?

Leslie:I'm experiencing a sort of existential vertigo, a spinning sensation of cosmic insignificance...

Ann:You're standing on a chair.

Leslie:Oh my god, I have to pee so bad right now.

Leslie:No, no, no. I am NOT leaving this voting booth. This is too important.

Leslie:I can hold it. I'm Leslie Knope. I once held my bladder for an entire city council meeting while drinking coffee and taking notes.

Leslie:I can do this.

Leslie:I must insist that we handle this matter with the utmost decorum and—OW! MY FOOT!

Leslie:As I was saying, we should approach this situation with dignified restraint and—ARGH, THE PAIN!

Leslie:Nevertheless, I believe that maintaining professional composure in the face of adversity is—WHY WON'T ANYONE HELP ME?!

Doctor:So how did you two manage to injure yourselves like this?

Leslie:Well, we were trying to move a refrigerator up the stairs and—

Andy:It was my fault. I thought I could just push it with my butt.

Doctor:I see. By the way, either of you having chest pains or difficulty breathing?

Ben:Okay, Ellis... how about... E-Train?

Ben:No? Uh, E-Money? Ellis the Pelvis?

Ben:Okay, okay, wait. The Ellisster. Ellisaurus Rex.

Ben:E-Force One. L-Train. Just... Train.

Ben:Ellis Island. Ellis Dee. The Ellis Situation.

Ben:Big E. Little e. E in a Bottle. Ellisween. Elliswood. Chest Rockwell.

Ben:Remember when we used to rent VHS tapes from Blockbuster?

Leslie:Ben, nobody cares about that anymore.

Ben:What? It was only like... oh my God, I'm old.

Ben:Ellis, these drawings of me are completely disrespectful and inappropriate for the workplace.

Ellis:Actually, April drew those.

Ben:April? Why would April draw disrespectful pictures of me?

Ellis:She's your wife.

Ben:I know she's my wife! That's what confuses me!

Ben:April would never disrespect me like that.

April:Yes, Dad.

April:I did it.

Ron:I've been trying to get you fired for years. I even have a binder.

Leslie:Wait, you tried to fire me?

Ron:Once. But then I realized it would create too much paperwork.

Leslie:Oh my God, really?

Ron:Actually, twice.

Leslie:Twice?

Ron:Three times.

Leslie:Three times?!

Ron:Four times. But who's counting?

Doctor:Your test results came back. You're in perfect health.

Chris:Perfect health? That's impossible. I need a second opinion.

Tom:Bro, that's actually amazing news.

Chris:Amazing? Tom, do you understand what this means? My body could fail at any moment. I'm a walking time bomb of wellness.

Chris:I'm having an existential crisis. I can feel my mortality closing in on me like a dark cloud. Every day I wake up and I'm one day closer to death. My body is decaying. My hair is graying. Eventually, I'm going to die and be forgotten.

Andy:Wait, what's the difference between a therapist and a psychiatrist?

Chris:A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who can prescribe medication. A therapist just talks to you.

Andy:Oh. So a therapist is like a bartender?

Chris:You know, there's internal goals and external goals. Internal goals are like... therapy. It's like you're in a dark forest, and you're lost, and you're just wandering around in circles. And then suddenly, a wise owl appears and says, 'Follow me.' And you follow the owl, and the owl leads you out of the forest. But here's the thing — you realize the owl was inside you the whole time.

Leslie Knope:I was a dedicated public servant.

Ron Swanson:Yes, that was your worst quality.

Ben:Can you just give me 15% effort on this?

April:What if I counter with 12%?

Ben:That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

April:Oh, Ellis died like three years ago.

April:Do your work, or I will find you, tie you to a chair, and make you watch me slowly eat all the food in your house while describing in detail how much I'm enjoying it. Then I'll leave you there, bound and starving, surrounded by the empty containers and my satisfied burps.