Lisa Gets An A

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:*screaming*

Reverend Lovejoy:Amen... and speaking of which, we have a visiting Mennonite minister in the congregation today.

Reverend Lovejoy:Now, I'm warning you all - if you don't increase your donations, there will be consequences!

Moe:Oh, here we go again. This guy talks more than my ex-wife. And she never shut up about my gambling problem.

Bart:Man, I'm starving. Church really works up an appetite.

Homer:Well, we could try a different religion. I hear the Jews get a free meal at the end of their service.

Bart:Yeah? What about the Catholics?

Homer:Just some stale crackers and cheap wine.

Bart:Dude, we should convert religions every week. Free food and wine!

Bart:Mom, can I convert to Catholicism?

Marge:Absolutely not! Do you know what the Catholics believe about birth control?

Driver:You're an idiot!

Homer:Yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're all out of you!

Marge:Homer, I feel terrible about taking all these free samples without buying anything.

Homer:Marge, Marge, Marge. The sign says 'Free Samples.' It doesn't say 'Free Samples, Then You Have to Buy Something.' If they wanted us to buy stuff, they'd make a sign that says 'Samples: $5 Each.' But it doesn't! So technically, we're following the rules.

Marge:That's not how it works, Homer.

Homer:Denial is just a river in Egypt, Marge.

Homer:Wow, health food! Finally, a way to eat without getting fat.

Homer:Hmm, what's this? 'Tofu Dogs - All the taste of a real hot dog with none of the flavor.'

Homer:And here's 'Kelp Chips - The ocean's gift wrapped in seaweed and despair.'

Homer:Oh, 'Wheat Germ Brownies - For people who hate chocolate almost as much as they hate themselves.'

Homer:And my personal favorite: 'Nutritional Yeast Spread - Yellow, flavorless, and slightly sentient.'

Marge:Mmm, let's see what we have here... 'Krusty Brand Imitation Crab.' Well, that doesn't sound too bad.

Marge:Oh my. 'Krusty Brand Imitation Crab Meal.' Hmm.

Marge:'Krusty Brand Imitation Crab Meal Substitute.'

Marge:'Krusty Brand Imitation Crab Meal Substitute Food Product.'

Marge:'Krusty Brand Imitation Crab Meal Substitute Food Product Made From Seaweed.'

Marge:'Krusty Brand Imitation Crab Meal Substitute Food Product Made From Seaweed With Artificial and Natural Flavors and Coloring and BHA and BHT and TBHQ.'

Gavin:I want the Frosted Flakes!

Parent:We have Cheerios.

Gavin:I WANT FROSTED FLAKES! YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!

Parent:It's just cereal, Gavin.

Gavin:YOU DON'T LOVE ME! I'm calling Dad's lawyer!

Parent:Your father lives here too.

Gavin:Then I'm emancipating myself AND the dog!

Customer:Is this fudge made with real fudge?

Employee:Yes.

Customer:Is this fudge made with real fudge?

Employee:Yes! We just went over this!

Customer:Well, I don't appreciate your tone. I'm taking my business elsewhere.

Homer:Let's see... Vanilla Ice... Mint Condition... Cookie Dough Biden... Rocky Road to Perdition... Cone Zoolander... Ben & Jerry Garcia... Macha Farka... Cookie Monster Munch... Sugar Free Willy...

Homer:Hey, what about the dead celebrities? We got Ben & Jerry's, but what about Marilyn Monroe ice cream?

Lisa:Dad, that would be disrespectful.

Homer:I'm not disrespecting her, I'm eating her!

Homer:Lisa, go look in the back of the freezer for me.

Lisa:Dad, I'm stuck! It's freezing back here!

Homer:Just a little longer, sweetie.

Homer:Lisa, you're sick from the freezer incident, but look - they have mint chip!

Lisa:Dad, I'm freezing and my lips are turning blue.

Homer:Mmm... mint chip...

Homer:Let's see... a lobster costs $15 a pound, and I need 5 pounds... that's... carry the one... 60 gallons!

Homer:Eh, math is hard. *walks away*

Homer:Let's see, a lobster costs $20 a pound... I weigh 250 pounds... so I should cost $5,000!

Lenny:Homer, that's not how it works.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well then how much would I cost if I was liquid?

Homer:I've got a foolproof plan to make money. I bought a case of donuts wholesale, and I'm gonna eat them all and then sell the box!

Lisa:Dad, you can't just keep a lobster in the freezer. They need to be in saltwater.

Homer:Relax, Lisa. I've got this all figured out. I'm three steps ahead of you.

Lisa:What are the three steps?

Homer:Uh... step one: don't listen to Lisa. Step two: something about salt. Step three: profit!

Homer:There we go. Perfect pH balance.

Bart:Dad, all the fish are dead.

Homer:Exactly.

Marge:Lisa, you're staying home from school today. You're sick.

Lisa:But Mom, I can't miss school! I have a test in every class, my debate team is competing, and I promised to tutor Ralphie!

Marge:Honey, you have a 103-degree fever. You need rest.

Lisa:What if I just sit in the back of the classroom and don't participate? No one will even know I'm there. I'll be like a ghost. A silent, scholarly ghost.

Marge:Lisa, no.

Lisa:I'll wear a mask! Two masks! I'll basically be in quarantine while still attending school. It's the perfect solution.

Lisa:Mom, I'm too sick to go to school.

Marge:Lisa, you look fine to me.

Lisa:I have a temperature of 103 degrees.

Marge:Well, you're still going to school.

Lisa:Mom, please. I'm begging you.

Marge:Absolutely not. Now get your backpack.

Lisa:You know, for someone who claims to care about my well-being, you're not a very effective negotiator.

Marge:Lisa, honey, when you're sick, you should avoid educational content. Your brain needs rest.

Lisa:But Mom, all I'm doing is lying here. How am I supposed to learn anything?

Marge:That's the point, sweetie. Just rest.

Lisa:So what you're saying is... I'm wasting a perfectly good opportunity to be sick without getting any smarter?

Marge:Why don't you play one of those video games? I hear they're all the rage with the kids.

Kent Brockman:This just in: video games are popular with today's youth.

Video Game:G'day mate! Now crikey, that's a big Sheila! You'll need to collect 99 cans of Foster's to win her heart. Watch out for the deadly drop bears and remember: always say 'no worries' after every sentence, no worries.

Lisa:Why does an Australian-themed game have martial arts weapons? That's culturally inconsistent — Australia doesn't have a significant martial arts tradition.

Bart:Who cares, Lisa? It's just a game.

Lisa:I care! It perpetuates stereotypes and shows a lack of research into authentic cultural representation.

Lisa:Video games are a mindless waste of time that rot your brain and corrupt your values.

Bart:Yeah, whatever. Check out this rare golden mushroom I just found.

Lisa:Wait, how rare are we talking? Because I read that only 0.003% of players have ever obtained one.

Bart:Pretty rare. You want to help me find more?

Lisa:I suppose I could assist you in a purely academic capacity to study the game's algorithmic drop rates. Hand me the controller. And don't touch anything—I need to optimize my farming route to maximize mythical artifact acquisition.

Ralph:Mommy, where do babies come from?

Lisa:Well Ralph, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they...

Homer:Let's see... if I weigh 239 pounds according to my driver's license...

Homer:That means I'm only 180 pounds overweight!

Homer:Come on, Pinchy! Bite him! Bite him! Yeah, that's it! Bite his head off!

Pet Store Owner:Sir, that's a hermit crab.

Homer:Oh. Well, bite HIS head off!

Bart:How do you always get away with being sick?

Lisa:I'm honest about my symptoms.

Bart:Honest? That sounds like a lot of work.

Lisa:Mom, I can't go to school. I might get sick and spread it to everyone.

Marge:Oh, Lisa, don't be silly. Those other children will be fine.

Video Game:You are dead.

Barney:You are dead.

Lisa:Okay, I can do this. I'll just use my natural instincts.

Lisa:A) The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. That's... definitely one of them.

Lisa:B) Photosynthesis happens when... plants do that thing with the sun?

Lisa:C) DNA stands for... Darn, Nothing's obvious!

Lisa:D) The water cycle is... wet... dry... wet again... Son of a—

Lisa:Diddly-doodly!

Skinner:Brown University? That's not a real school. It's what you tell people when you flunk out of a real college.

Otto:Hey man, I almost had tenure there.

Lisa:Oh no, what if I only get into Brown? Brown! Not Harvard, not Yale, but Brown!

Lisa:I'll be stuck in Providence, Rhode Island. Providence! Do you know what's in Providence? I don't, and that's the problem!

Lisa:My entire future is ruined. Ruined, I tell you. Brown University. It might as well be named Mediocre State.

Bart:I'm telling you, Mrs. Krabappel, I'm not feeling well. I think I need to go to the nurse's office.

Mrs. Krabappel:Bart, you look fine to me. Sit down.

Bart:But Mrs. Krabappel, look at my arm!

Bart:I made it in shop class!

Lisa:Bart, I need your advice. How do you manage to get through school with so little effort?

Bart:Well, it's simple, man. You just don't care about grades, charm your teachers, and maybe copy homework from a smart kid.

Lisa:That's terrible advice.

Bart:Yeah, I know. That won't work for you anyway. You actually have standards.

Lisa:I can't go in the boys' bathroom!

Bart:Oh come on, it's not that bad. Besides, remember when Dad got stuck in there for three days?

Lisa:That doesn't make me feel better, Bart.

Nelson:You want the test answers? Sure, I got 'em. But first, you gotta sign this waiver stating that I'm not responsible if you get caught, if the answers are wrong, if you spontaneously combust, or if you suddenly develop an irrational fear of geometry. Also, by purchasing these answers, you agree that Nelson Muntz is not liable for any emotional distress caused by failing anyway. Read the fine print.

Willie:Ye see, Lisa, the moral high ground is always the right choice, no matter how difficult...

Lisa:Thank you, Willie. That means a lot.

Willie:Aye, well— Oh, sweet mother of— The toilet's overflowed again! Get me the dynamite!

Homer:Don't worry, Pinchy. I'm not going to eat you. You're going to be my pet!

Homer:Well, actually, I'm going to eat you. But first, you're going to be free-range!

Homer:Oh, Pinchy! You're my little friend! Yes you are! Yes you are!

Homer:I'm gonna take you home, give you a nice bath, and in a few years, we'll have beautiful children together.

Homer:Hey, this lobster is pretty cute. I'm gonna call him Bart.

Homer:Oh wait, I have a son named Bart. Eh, forget it.

Homer:Well, lobster, you're gonna have to die. But first, let me tell you something... I love you.

Ralph:I got a B!

Miss Hoover:No Ralph, that's an 8. You got an F.

Ralph:But the B is right there!

Miss Hoover:That's the number of drinks I had last night. I was grading papers.

Miss Hoover:Class, I've identified the alcohol by taste. It's a 1987 Château Lafite.

Ralph Wiggum:Wow, Miss Hoover, you're smart!

Miss Hoover:Well, I may have had a drinking problem in my past.

Homer:Look at how cute he is, Marge!

Marge:Well, I suppose he is rather adora—

Pinchy:*attacks*

Homer:Where's the lobster? I specifically said lobster!

Marge:Homer, we're having pot roast tonight.

Homer:Pot roast?! That's not what I ordered! This is worse than that time I had to eat that sandwich with mayo on it!

Marge:Homer, just try it.

Homer:Fine. I'll eat this... beautiful, wonderful, magnificent pot roast. Oh, pot roast, you complete me. You're the love of my life. Kids, say goodbye to your mother.

Marge:Lisa, honey, I found your test paper. I was looking through your room, and I found your diary too.

Lisa:Mom! You read my diary?

Marge:Well, yes, but I'm not worried. You're doing great in school.

Lisa:I can't believe people think I'm smart just because I got an A on that test. I didn't even study!

Bart:That's my girl. Welcome to the dark side, Lisa.

Lisa:The key distinction is between honest achievement and dishonest gain. One builds character while the other—

Bart:Yeah, yeah, yeah. So basically you're saying I should work hard and do the right thing?

Lisa:Exactly.

Bart:Nah.

Lisa:Honesty means telling the truth, even when it's difficult. Fraud is deliberately deceiving someone for personal gain. Do you understand the moral difference?

Bart:Yeah, yeah, I think so... So fraud is like when you tell the truth but people think you're lying?

Lisa:No, Bart, that's the opposite of what I just said.

Bart:Right, right. So honesty is when you lie... but nobody knows?

Nelson:Hey Simpson, I got the answers to tomorrow's math test. You want 'em?

Lisa:Nelson, I can't cheat. That's wrong.

Nelson:Look, I'm not asking you to cheat. I'm offering you a consumer choice. The numerator comes from Acme, the denominator from Globex.

Lisa:That's... that's not how fractions work.

Nelson:Hey, you want a discount if you buy both? Ha-ha!

Nelson:Ha-ha! You're turning down my cheating services? That's like rejecting 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' — everybody wants a little infidelity!

Skinner:Lisa, your performance was... uh... let me find the right word here...

Skinner:It was absolutely... *searches* ...magnificent! Yes, magnificent!

Lisa:I cheated on the test, Principal Skinner. I'm sorry.

Skinner:Well, Simpson, I'm afraid this is a serious matter. However, if we file the proper forms in triplicate, we can classify this as a 'learning experience anomaly' rather than academic dishonesty. The state will never know the difference.

Skinner:Money isn't tainted, Lisa. It's just a victim of circumstance, like all of us.

Superintendent Chalmers:I have arrived to address this moral crisis at once!

Principal Skinner:Superintendent, thank goodness you're here. We have a serious situation—

Superintendent Chalmers:I don't want to hear excuses, Seymour! I'm here about the missing scoreboard demonstration! Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to reschedule my entire afternoon?

Chalmers:The school's condition has deteriorated significantly. Crumbling walls, failing infrastructure, budget shortfalls...

Skinner:Superintendent, we're doing our best with limited resources.

Chalmers:Your best? Skinner, I have a confession to make. The state didn't build this school. We literally moved the worst school in Missouri here to save money.

Teacher:Class, today we're learning the periodic table of elements.

Student:But Mr. Teacher, this periodic table has Coca-Cola sponsorships all over it!

Teacher:Yes, well, the element of surprise is brought to you by McDonald's. Now, what is the atomic number of hydrogen?

Student:Um... Obey Your Thirst?

Teacher:Correct! And what about helium?

Student:I'm Lovin' It?

Teacher:Excellent work. You're getting straight A's and also a free small fries.

Ralph:I'm learnding!

Gil:Well, Principal Seymour, these computers are top of the line. State of the art. And the price? Well, let's just say it's so low, I'm practically giving them away. In fact, I am giving them away because I haven't made a sale in three months and my wife left me and I'm living in my car!

Gil:Well, that'll be $49.99 for the whole package.

Gil:But wait! How about I throw in our premium extended warranty for just $200 more?

Gil:No, no, no, Gil. What are you doing? You almost had 'em!

Gil:You're right. Sorry about that. The sale's yours.

Gil:No, wait—one more thing. What if we bundle in our deluxe installation service?

Gil:Oh, geez. Gil, you magnificent idiot.

Sea Captain:Welcome to me Lobster Training Academy! We'll teach your crustacean everything it needs to know.

Homer:Does it have a tutor? My lobster needs SAT prep and a legacy connection to an Ivy League school.

Sea Captain:It's a lobster, lad.

Homer:Then I want my money back. I didn't pay good money for a mediocre education.

Comptroller Atkins:Well, I'm sure we can work something out. After all, we're all human.

Comptroller Atkins:My wife doesn't understand me either.

State Comptroller:Your honesty is refreshing, young lady. In my experience, most people will lie for even the smallest personal gain.

Lisa Simpson:Well, I was raised to always tell the truth.

State Comptroller:That's admirable. You know, I'd be the same way, but I'm Canadian.

Skinner:You see, I knew Lisa would eventually discover the truth about our fake comptroller. So I devised an elaborate plan based on her predictable moral code.

Lisa:Principal Skinner, how could you?

Skinner:It was simple, really. I knew you'd feel obligated to expose the fraud for the greater good of the school. So I made sure that when you did, you'd inadvertently solve an even bigger problem I'd created.

Lisa:That's... actually kind of genius.

Skinner:I know. I've been reading books on child psychology.

Principal Skinner:Your honesty is a serious problem, Miss Simpson. In my experience, integrity is a threat to order and discipline.

Lisa:But Principal Skinner, isn't honesty something to be encouraged?

Principal Skinner:Not when it disrupts my carefully maintained system of authoritarian control. I'm going to have to ask you to be less truthful in the future.

Fake Comptroller:Thank you, thank you! You've been a wonderful audience!

Fake Comptroller:And remember, if you need to cash a check with no questions asked, just come see me at the abandoned warehouse by the docks!

Homer:I was just trying to clean Pinchy in some hot water, and I guess I wasn't paying attention...

Homer:So I kind of... cooked him.

Homer:I'll just give Pinchy a nice bath to get those muddy claw prints off.

Homer:Ooh, the water's nice and hot... perfect for cleaning a lobster.

Homer:Wait... why isn't Pinchy moving?

Homer:Oh no! I cooked him!

Homer:Oh, Pinchy... *sobs* I can't believe you're gone...

Homer:*takes a bite* Mmm... delicious. Well, Pinchy would've wanted it this way.

Homer:Oh, Pinchy, I wish you could taste yourself!