Richard Splett

Hey, Richard, no offense... None taken. ...you're a catastrophe. Okay.

Do you have a preference on water? Because I'm all about Fiji.

Kelly and I go way back. She's like another me.

Richard: 'Dynamic Duo' came in. That's Batman, Boy Wonder... young... Lady Wonder.

Richard: Yeah, I'll hit the phones until I have a sore throat and a hot ear.

Illinois Institute of Technology.

Your job is very interesting. Challenging. Very exciting job. My job, yes, it is. The job I have is a very good job.

Am I being 'Punk'd'? Is this hazing? Happened to my brother once. He did not handle it well.

He was up to his thighs in it.

That isn't, Jonah. That's sexual harassment.

Eggnog latte if it's in season. Is it? No, it isn't. Okay, I'll have a skinny cap.

'VP Doyle's a lame duck. And you know what you do with lame animals?' 'You care for them.' 'You shoot them dead.'

'Well, you do have that one purple shirt that looks a bit blousy, but...'

'A number of tall women were molested and Mr. Ryan was one of them.'

Yeah, help you forget about being molested.

It's like words are your second language, sir.

Don't know why I said T. My middle name is John.

Your face looks kind of like a sad egg.

So if I can offer any web design or support... Sir, can I ask you how you're going to vote today? No. Is that no as in I can't ask you or no as in...

I took a precision driving class, Dan. I think I know what I'm doing.

Okay, new rule in the Cube. If your name begins with D, you need to shut the fuck up immediately. I'm fine because my name begins with an R.

Not if we shorten it to Dick. Well, I mean...

I brought him also, ma'am. Richard Splett. She already knows who you are. You can go. No, no, no. Not you. Not you.

Two. Constitutional law and veterinary medicine, which was my fallback. But you were getting my coffee. Which is much harder 'cause you have so many different moods.

I actually did my doctorate in recount procedures in the West. Excellent work, Richard. Richard works for me.

She's Uncle Dursley and she's got the great wizard Harry Potter living under the staircase. Do you see that? But what happens in the Harry Potter books? He rises up and he kills all the muggles. I don't think that's what happens.

Like an empty cop car they park on the side of the road to slow speeders. Those cars are empty?

You know Jonah. He works for me. In fact, you two used to date, but you never got over him.

Or you could email me at splett2@splettnet.net. Splett1 is my father. It'll be sad to see him go, but it'll be nice to get my hands on that handle, you know?

So it doesn't say 'Fuck Selina Meyer.' It says, you know, 'Fuck, Selina Meyer!' That's a testament to this voter's earthy but unambiguous enthusiasm for President Meyer.

Can Paul McCartney teach Kid Rock how to be a good songwriter? I mean, that's a bad example. Kid Rock rules, but...

Sorry. You should read C.S. Lewis's book on grief. It's not as fun as 'The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe' series, but it's still pretty good.

How. Me suck pee pee in teepee.

Oh, that was a fuck, comma, today, yes!

This is like that famous scene from the movie 'Heat.' You know, with De Niro and Brenneman. Just thinking about that scene gives me goose bumps

This is like that famous scene from the movie 'Heat.' You know, with De Niro and Brenneman. Just thinking about that scene gives me goose bumps.

Sometimes up to 16% end up missing or thrown out. - Is that what this is about? - The missing ballots in Washoe County.

Funny thing about elections, historically there've always been leftover ballots. Sometimes up to 16% end up missing or thrown out

Holy bacon double Asperger's.

It's like a wererabbit.

They said that we can't use the song 'Working Man' anymore because they find you odious.

I got it! I got it! The widow saw me filming her and she got mad. She called me some truly awful things. - Oh, thank you, Satan.

I went to turn it on, but it was already on, so I turned it off. Then I went to turn it off, but it already was off, so I turned it on.

Plus she taught me how to make sure the camera is on.

I just thank God I didn't hit those schoolchildren. Who gives a fuck about them? Go! Go!

Sir, by any objective standards, Colt, Brady, and Mason are unequivocally hot, not not.

Maybe my auntie was actually my real mother and my mother was actually my grandmother. Ah, wow, that's starting to make a whole lot of sense. Everybody knew about it but me, too.

it's cha-king. No, it's cha-king.

Are we running from something scary, ma'am? No. Richard, you slow down. It'll look like I'm not running. Gary, you go fast. Yep! Oh, no, that's too fast.

Because you served less than one year? No. Because nobody gives me any respect.

I'm gonna scratch it into the paper and then kind of go back over and trace over and see what I wrote before, like in a suspense movie.

I'm not really comfortable with that kind of language.

I got a Georgian SIM card. Got text forwarding. I'll here from you?

The same thing happened to me! Oh, my God! / Oh, my God, oh, my God. / How did it happen?

I will give you my sperm. / Oh, great! / Yeah. / I thought that would take a lot longer.

You know, the band's name translates to Panzer Division. - What?

No, ma'am, you have a meeting with Tanz at 2:00. - Oh, thank you very much, Richard

I want you to get in touch with Ed McPherson on Judiciary 'cause he's building an infinity pool. On it. Too late.

It's hot flashy. / It's totally normal.

Did I die? Is this heaven? Yeah, he keeps waking up and asking that

You had a heart attack, Gary. For the third freaking time.

Monday, it's the day after Daylight Saving Time. It's my favorite holiday 'cause it's like living in a tiny version of 'Back to the Future'

Well, my father and I both hate eating butterscotch, but love to say it. Butterscotch.

Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin like microwaves or laughter.

No. Worse comes to worst, I'll burn in hell like Grandma Splett.

Like Catherine's eyes.

Maybe I can stop masturbating now.

A peace lady? ... Yes, thank you very much, Richard! Richard is thinking.

You look like redheaded bacon.

NuvaRing is gonna dig this a lot. ... It's Nyaring.

So, today. That's a bit of a brain twister.

It'll be my first human birth, so.

I tried to explain to him that Birmingham ranks low on the jihadi to-do list.

Now that's a pun!

Which, again, is tomorrow night, not tonight, despite the title.

See, the box is empty to show that all you need to be happy is right here. - Well, that's stupid. - Yeah, it was a waste of $30.

Can I petition for a recall against Ezra? - Unequivocally, no. - That's a great idea. - That's awesome.

Does a rabbit need a yearly vaccination for myxomatosis? It does. Well, maybe. It depends on the rabbit. - But, yes.

'Boasters are roasters,' my Grandma Splett would always say. She had a form of rhyming dementia. It's called Lyndrome Syndrome.

Richard, is chocolate bad for dogs? - Oh, no, not bad. Deadly.

It's pretty good, right? / It's great, thank you. / She's a lesbian. / No, we get it. / We get the joke.

Looks like we're not the only campaign who farted and had to throw their pants away.

That could probably be the main cause of your scoliosis. I have scoliosis? Oh, yes. Clearly.

Because of my court-ordered chemical castration.

Asbestos was the name of their pit bull. It was a rescue that killed its first owner.

Happy Abortion Eve.

It's my mother's side of the family. Speltt.

Where is that Fatty McFatty hiding today? She aborted her unborn fetus.

When my uncle stole me, I don't remember where he took me, but I do have this recurring dream where I almost find out.

Mayor Splett, how does it feel to be the hero of 7-Eleven? Oh, I'm no hero. I'm just a mayor.

Except for the 7-Eleven truthers. They say that no Jewish people were working in the store that day, but there's no Jewish people in Lurlene, so...

there's no dipping your quill in the company ink. Copy that. I mean sex. Got it. By that, I mean Willa.

That's good enough for me. Can't argue with science.

Hilarious. A talking company. Where would the mouth even be?

This is where you stick an unfuckable intern.

That's for dogs. Uh, that's for dogs.

Someday you'll be an old man, and you'll-- Governor, now that you're a super-delegate, have you given any thought as to who you're gonna be endorsing at the convention? Isn't there any way I can endorse all of them?

Isn't there any way I can endorse all of them?

You just broke North Carolina's transgender bathroom law.

New York Times? Krugman is positively creaming his khakis.

The Ukraine. - A Wisconsin sister state.

When you listen to rumors, you rue more than... Nope. I don't know where I was going with that.

What's wrong with the suit? - Oh, it's not network.

We ruled out beets because he doesn't know what those are. Then had to rule it right back in for the same reason.

Typical.