The One Where Underdog Gets Away

Rachel:Can I get an advance on my salary?

Terry:No.

Rachel:Well, he's right. I am terrible at my job. I mean, I don't even know what a 'markup' is. I thought it was when you mark something up with a pen.

Rachel:I'm doing so much better as a waitress now. I'm really getting the hang of it.

Customer:Excuse me, miss? Can I get some coffee?

Rachel:Oh, sure! Be right back.

Customer:Miss? Miss! I've been waiting for twenty minutes!

Rachel:Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot about you.

Rachel:Hi! Can I interest you in our specials today?

Rachel:Also, I'm going to Vail next week and I'm a little short on cash, so if you could see your way to leaving a really generous tip, that would be amazing.

Customer:Sure.

Rachel:Really?!

Customer:No.

Joey:I'm not wearing makeup. I'm an actor/model.

Chandler:Oh, so you're an actor slash model?

Chandler:What about actor slash guy who wears makeup?

Joey:What disease am I modeling for?

Chandler:I don't know, they didn't say. But it's a big pharmaceutical company, so it's gotta be something serious.

Joey:Oh! Maybe it's something really bad! Like... like lupus or... or MS!

Monica:Joey, why would you want to model for a serious disease?

Joey:Because it's a big pharmaceutical company! It's gotta pay good money!

Joey:I really hope I get this Lyme disease modeling job.

Ross:I'm gonna be honest with you, Joey. I really hope you do get Lyme disease.

Ross:Monica, will you make mashed potatoes with lumps like Mom's?

Monica:Lumps? Ross, I don't make lumps. Everything I make is smooth and creamy and perfectly textured.

Ross:But Mom's had lumps. That's what made them special.

Monica:Well, Mom's were also a little dry and kind of sat there looking sad on the plate. I'm not doing that.

Phoebe:My grandmother's coming to the city, and my boyfriend's going to be there, and he's lunar.

Monica:So what are you doing for Vail?

Rachel:Oh, I'm totally going. Shoop, shoop, shoop.

Monica:With what money?

Rachel:Shoop, shoop, shoop.

Chandler:Rachel, your debt went up by three thousand dollars. What happened?

Rachel:I may have... accidentally broken your coffee table.

Chandler:My coffee table costs three thousand dollars?

Rachel:It was a really nice coffee table.

Monica:Why don't you invite Carol?

Ross:Well, uh, Carol will be bringing... her friend Susan.

Ross:I came to pick up my skull.

Ross:Well, not MY skull. It's a replica of a Homo habilis skull from the museum.

Ross:A skull is like a skeleton head. It's bone. Round. With holes where the eyes go.

Susan:Wow, Ross. Fascinating. I had no idea.

Ross:So you two are reading lesbian books?

Susan:Well, we have to. It's a requirement. We had to get certified.

Susan:I read to the baby. Studies show that babies can hear in the womb.

Ross:Yeah, well, I hate to break it to you, but I don't think the baby's going to remember Goodnight Moon. I mean, it's not like he's going to be born going, 'Hey, I know this one!'

Ross:Do you guys talk about me to the baby?

Susan:Oh, all the time. We call you 'The Geller.'

Carol:Yeah, we're like, 'The Geller's on his way over.'

Monica:Babies can hear in the womb. We should test it.

Monica:Put Ross's head in a turkey.

Joey:I'll butter your head!

Rachel:I can't afford Vail.

Monica:Rachel, don't you notice anything different about the mail today?

Rachel:Um, no? It's just mail.

Monica:Just mail? JUST mail? Look at it again!

Rachel:Monica, it's bills and catalogs. What am I supposed to be seeing?

Monica:The POSTCARD! The one from Bermuda!

Rachel:Oh my God, is this from Ben?

Monica:NO! It's from me! I sent it! Three weeks ago! Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to notice?

Monica:He made a 'traditional Thanksgiving feast' — which consisted of a frozen pizza and a bag of Doritos.

Monica:I mean, the turkey was a Hot Pocket.

Chandler:I found out my parents were getting divorced on Thanksgiving. I was eating pumpkin pie.

Chandler:It was a really good pie.

Rachel:Wait, that's a real yam? I thought they only came in a can with the marshmallows on top!

Monica:No, Rachel, yams are actual vegetables.

Rachel:Oh my God, what else have I been wrong about?

Monica:Ross, I appreciate your input, I really do. But this is MY kitchen, and I would LOVE it if you would just... go find something else to do.

Joey:Hey! I know you from the perfume counter at Bloomingdale's!

Kristin:Oh my God, yes! I remember you!

Joey:Watch this — *demonstrates exaggerated cologne spraying technique with elaborate arm movements* — you gotta spray it up in the air and walk through it. That's how the pros do it.

Joey:Wow, that's amazing. You know, you really make this look like an art form.

Joey:I mean, the way you hold the bottle, the distance, the mist pattern... it's like you're Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel, except you're painting my neck with Obsession.

Joey:What perfume are you wearing?

Kristin:I'm not wearing any perfume, just my natural scent.

Joey:Hey guys, you won't believe what happened at my modeling shoot!

Chandler:What? Did they finally decide you could act?

Joey:No, no, it was a VD poster. You know, for venereal disease awareness.

Monica:Oh my God, Joey!

Joey:I know! And my family saw it. My mom called me crying, thinking I actually had a venereal disease!

Phoebe:Well, at least you're raising awareness?

Joey:That's the thing! They didn't read the fine print. They just saw me on this poster looking all sick and miserable, and my whole family thinks I'm dying!

Joey:My family thinks I have VD!

Chandler:Could you BE any more like a bad TV movie?

Monica:I'm not just cooking anymore, I'm flambeeing, sautéing, and... julienning! I'm basically verbing all the nouns in my kitchen!

Monica:Yesterday I was so into it, I told Chandler I was going to 'dazzlingly dice' the vegetables. He just stared at me.

Monica:But that's what great cooking is all about — the alliteration of ambition!

Ross:It doesn't feel like Mom's cooking without her yelling.

Monica:ROSS!

Ross:Ah, now that's authentic.

Rachel:Oh my God, I'm so excited! My flight leaves in like three hours!

Chandler:That's great! Where are you going?

Rachel:Aspen! I'm going skiing!

Chandler:Skiing? Rachel, you've never skied in your life.

Rachel:I know, but how hard can it be? You just point yourself downhill and try not to die.

Monica:That's... actually not terrible advice.

Rachel:See? I'll be fine! *makes skiing sound* Whooooosh!

Monica:You know what? I'm done!

Chandler:Thank God—

Monica:I'm just getting warmed up!

Monica:*throws food* And THAT is for eating my cheesecake!

Ross:Monica, I have to say, your comedic timing with the food throws is really off. You're throwing too early in the setup.

Joey:I can't believe I have to spend Thanksgiving alone because of my disease.

Chandler:Joey, you made that up.

Joey:I know, but I'm committed to it now.

Monica:Okay, so let me get this straight. You want them mashed, you want them fried, you want them baked, and you want them... what was it?

Chandler:Julienned.

Monica:Julienned. Right. Does anyone want them boiled? No? Because I could boil them. I'm very good at boiling.

Ross:Monica, it's not that hard.

Monica:Not that hard? Ross, I have five potatoes and five of you. One potato per person. How am I supposed to prepare the same potato five different ways?

Phoebe:You could cut it into pieces!

Monica:Oh my God.

Ross:Hey, hey, hey! Mom's not a threat, she's a promise.

Phoebe:Well, my mother used to say that peas and onions make everything better. Of course, she also said that a lot of things that weren't true, like that she'd always be there for me. But the peas and onions thing, I'm pretty sure that was real.

Joey:Oh my God! Oh my God! Did you see it? The giant balloon! It got away!

Joey:They're looking for it everywhere! It's like... it's like a real-life version of that time I got stuck in the revolving door at Bloomingdale's!

Joey:But this is bigger! Much bigger! And it has a giant head!

Monica:It's just the balloon.

Joey:Could be the actual dog.

Joey:How often do you see a giant balloon dog?

Chandler:I don't know, Joey. How often do you see a giant balloon dog?

Ross:Hi baby, it's your dad. I'm gonna talk to you about the miracle of life. You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they decide to... they get into a more *horizontal* position.

Ross:Hey there, little guy. It's me, your dad. I just wanted to say... well, I wanted to be the first voice you heard. So, uh, hello. This is very special. Very intimate. Very... oh God, I'm talking to Rachel's stomach. I'm literally having a conversation with her uterus. Why is this happening? Why am I doing this? Okay, you know what? I'm just going to back away slowly and pretend this never happened.

Monica:Joey, where are the keys?

Joey:Oh... yeah, about that...

Monica:What do you mean 'about that'?

Joey:I don't actually have them.

Monica:WHAT?!

Joey:I thought you said you had them!

Joey:I have keys.

Monica:You have keys?

Joey:No, I have keys.

Ross:You know, when I was your age, I had to make a big decision about my future. I thought long and hard about what I really wanted to do with my life.

Ross:Turns out, I became a paleontologist because Chandler bet me fifty bucks I couldn't do it.

Ross:Hello, little fetus. It's me, your dad. I'm here to talk to you about... dinosaurs. Did you know that the T-Rex had tiny arms? They were very small. Not useful for hugging. But I bet you'll have big arms. Strong arms for hugging your old man someday.

Ross:Hey little guy, it's me, your dad. I'm gonna sing you a song.

Ross:Here we come, walking down the street. We get the funniest looks from everyone we meet.

Ross:Hey baby, it's me, your dad. I'm gonna teach you so many things. I'm gonna teach you how to ride a bike, I'm gonna teach you how to throw a ball... I'm gonna teach you about girls, and... other stuff.

Ross:And I promise you, no matter what, I will always be there for you. Even if your mom and I... even if things don't work out between us, I will always be your dad.

Ross:And I'm gonna buy you the best toys, and we're gonna go to the park, and I'm gonna push you really high on the swings, and you're gonna laugh and laugh...

Ross:And when you're older, if you want to talk about anything, anything at all, I'll be there to listen. Because you're my kid, and I love you so much.

Ross:Oh, and I'm not a lesbian!

Rachel:Oh great, I'm stuck on a roof. That's just perfect. And here I thought my Thanksgiving was going to be boring.

Rachel:I'm not flying tomorrow. I'm flying today. Today, Monica. In like, twenty minutes.

Monica:I'm already going as fast as I can! You can't go faster than fast. That's not how speed works!

Rachel:I can't believe I missed my flight! Do you know what this means? I'm never going to see those safety demonstrations again. Never! I've seen them dozens of times, and I always thought, 'When am I ever going to need to know where the emergency exit is?' Well, now I'll never know!

Phoebe:Okay, okay, okay! Nobody say the K-word!

Monica:The K-word?

Phoebe:Yes! We've said it like fifty times and every time we say it, something bad happens!

Chandler:Phoebe, that's not—

Phoebe:Don't say it! I'm telling you, it's cursed!

Joey:Keys! You know what I'm saying?

Monica:I'm doing everything! I'm cooking the turkey, I'm making the stuffing, I'm making the sweet potatoes, I'm making the cranberry sauce, I'm making the pies!

Monica:And nobody appreciates it! Nobody helps! You all just sit there and criticize everything I do!

Monica:This is my first Thanksgiving as a host and I just want everything to be perfect!

Monica:Is that really too much to ask?!

Joey:Is she okay?

Joey:Because like, this is the third time this week.

Monica:The dinner is burnt! THE DINNER IS BURNT! THEEEE DINNER IS BURNT!!!

Monica:Here are your potatoes, Ross.

Ross:Monica, these are... burnt.

Monica:Yes. Yes, they are.

Rachel:I can't believe I'm stuck with you people.

Monica:Well, where else are you gonna go? Your parents cut you off, your job pays nothing, and you live in my apartment.

Phoebe:You know, in a way, this is beautiful. Fighting over dinner, arguing about nothing—this is what families do. This is tradition.

Monica:He just sat in gravy.

Monica:Oh my God, oh my God! There's a woman in there with him!

Chandler:A woman? Let me see!

Joey:Move over, move over!

Rachel:What? What is it?

Phoebe:Is she... is she prettier than me?

Joey:Oh my God, he's doing it! He's actually dancing!

Monica:Go! Go! Go!

Chandler:Yes! Yes!

Rachel:That's amazing!

Phoebe:You got it!

Ross:Keep going!

Rachel:You know, it's actually really sweet. I mean, he finally has someone to share his life with. Someone who understands him.

Ross:I'll carve the turkey!

Chandler:Actually, we're eating grilled cheese sandwiches this year.

Ross:What? Where's the turkey?

Monica:We decided to keep it simple.

Ross:Simple? I've been practicing my carving all morning!

Ross:Do you want light or dark cheese?

Monica:What do you mean 'dark cheese'? There's no such thing as dark cheese.

Monica:Okay, on three. One, two, three!

Joey:I got the bigger piece! I'm gonna wish for a sandwich.

Monica:Joey, you can't wish for food, that's a waste.

Joey:Why not? I'm hungry now.

Monica:Because you should wish for something meaningful, something that will actually change your life.

Joey:A sandwich would change my life right now.

Ross:I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting.

Ross:Well, Monica's got her thing, Chandler's got his thing, Rachel's got her thing, and Joey's got his... venereal disease.

Ross:I just want to say, I am so grateful to be surrounded by all of you. We've been through so much together, and I wouldn't trade this for anything.

Ross:So basically, we're all here because our lives are a complete disaster.

Ross:I'm thankful for everyone's bad luck.

Chandler:Oh, well then, here's to next Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and New Year's, and basically any time we all get together!