The One Where Nana Dies Twice

Rachel:Oh wow, that sounds amazing! Where did you get it?

Chandler:Wait, wait. You think I'm attracted to... normal, well-adjusted women?

Chandler:I'm attracted to crazy! I need crazy! It's like my thing!

Chandler:If a woman doesn't have massive emotional baggage and at least three unresolved issues, I'm not interested.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me about this perfect person for me?

Chandler:Oh my God. It's a guy, isn't it?

Shelley:Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelley. I'm just gonna go flush myself down the toilet now...

Chandler:So you don't think it's ridiculous that she thought I was gay?

Monica:No, no, it's ridiculous.

Monica:...I mean, I didn't think you were gay.

Monica:I mean, at first I thought Chandler might be gay.

Monica:But then he started dating women and I was like, okay, clearly I was wrong.

Ross:Well, I may have told her that Chandler wasn't exactly... available.

Ross:But only because I wanted to eliminate the competition!

Chandler:Okay, okay, what is this quality that everyone keeps talking about? Just tell me!

Chandler:Is it my sense of humor? My charm? My devastating good looks?

Chandler:Because nobody will just come out and say it! You all just smile and change the subject!

Chandler:I'm going crazy here! What. Quality. Are we talking about?!

Chandler:Oh, thanks. Thanks for being so specific. That really helps.

Monica:Hello? Paolo? Paolo?! Oh my God, hi! Yes, she's right here!

Monica:It's Paolo! It's Paolo! It's Paolo!

Chandler:Well, calling from Rome just requires going to Rome.

Judy Geller:What's different about your hair, Monica?

Monica Geller:Nothing, Mom. Why?

Judy Geller:That's the problem.

Monica:She even stole them from her own family.

Doctor:Your grandmother didn't die. She is dead. There's a difference. 'Died' is past tense. She's still dead, so we use the present tense: 'is dead.'

Doctor:Well, I have some bad news. Your grandmother is dead.

Family Member:Oh no! When did this happen?

Doctor:Well, that's what we're trying to determine. I've got some forms here, and I need you to fill them out in triplicate.

Nurse:Well, this is only the second time I've seen someone die twice.

Chandler:Is it my hair? Do people think I'm gay because of my hair?

Ross:No, no, it's not your hair.

Chandler:Well then what is it?

Ross:It's the way you talk, the way you move, the clothes you wear, the fact that you're almost never with a woman, and when you are with a woman you act like you're not entirely sure why you're there.

Joey:Hey, that's cool.

Phoebe:Maybe she's not really gone. Maybe she's just in a really deep sleep.

Monica:Phoebe, we had the funeral. We buried her.

Phoebe:I can feel the presence of spirits around us.

Chandler:Really? Which spirits?

Phoebe:Well, my friend Sheila. She's been dead for three years.

Chandler:How do you know she's here?

Phoebe:I can smell her perfume... and golf pencils. She always smelled like golf pencils.

Phoebe:Oh my God, is this Debbie's pencil?

Phoebe:I can feel their presence all around us.

Ross:Phoebe, there's no scientific evidence that dead people can communicate with us from beyond the grave.

Phoebe:Not everything has to be explained by science, Ross.

Ross:Actually, it kind of does.

Ross:So we're just talking about death and the afterlife, and suddenly... Chandler, have you considered getting your hair cut?

Chandler:What?

Ross:I'm just saying, you know, in the grand scheme of mortality and existence, your bangs are really getting long.

Phoebe:This pencil just isn't giving me Debbie vibes.

Monica:Oh no! My retainer!

Monica:I just dropped my retainer into the casket with Nana.

Jack Geller:I want to be buried at sea. It'll be fun!

Monica:Oh yeah, a fun day out. Nothing says 'fun' like scattering your loved one's ashes into the ocean while pretending it's not the saddest thing that's ever happened.

Jack Geller:I've decided I want to be buried in a piano box. That way, when people hear about how I died, they'll think, 'Well, at least he went out musical.'

Shelley:Brian is too good for you.

Chandler:I can get a guy like Brian. I'm a catch!

Chandler:I mean, look at me. I'm funny, I'm smart, I'm... okay, I'm not physically attractive, but I have a great personality.

Ross:I can't decide what to wear. Grandma would have hated this outfit.

Ross:But she would have hated any outfit I picked.

Funeral Director:Those shoes are too casual for a funeral.

Monica:What? Since when do the dead care about dress codes? Are there really strict rules in the afterlife? What, do you get sent to a worse afterlife if you show up in sneakers?

Monica:I know! I know my ears aren't my best feature, okay? I've been thinking about it ever since she said it. I can't stop thinking about it!

Phoebe:I'm so sorry I'm late! I was at the store and I couldn't decide between these two pairs of bearings.

Phoebe:Wait... bearings? I meant earrings!

Chandler:Wait, so you're saying that all these years, people have been thinking I'm gay because of the way I dress?

Jack:Well, you do tend to wear things that are a bit... fashionable.

Chandler:Oh my God. That explains SO much. I thought it was just my personality!

Judy Geller:I'm so sorry about your loss. You look so thin and tired.

Monica Geller:Thanks, Mom.

Judy Geller:Have you been eating? And what is that dress? It makes you look even thinner.

Chandler:Joey, what are you doing? We're at a funeral.

Joey:I know, I know. But the game starts in twenty minutes and I want to catch the pre-game show.

Chandler:You're going to watch football at the reception?

Joey:Yeah, they have a TV in there, right?

Chandler:Great day, huh?

Chandler:I mean, weather-wise. Not the whole... dead guy thing.

Ross:This is my worst fear coming true!

Monica:Oh my God, Ross! What happened to your back?

Ross:I don't know, I just bent over to pick something up and—

Monica:Wait, wait, wait. Is that a... are you wearing a bra?

Ross:What? No! Monica, my back is killing me!

Monica:No, seriously, turn around. That strap is completely visible through your shirt.

Ross:Monica! I think I have a herniated disc!

Unknown woman:Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter.

Chandler:I have no idea who Dorothy is.

Ross:I love you... I love... I love... everything! Is that a sandwich? I love sandwiches!

Ross:Chandler, I want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter who you are or what you do, I will always accept you.

Chandler:That's really sweet, Ross. Thank you.

Ross:Even if you're a clone. Even if you're a clone made of evil.

Ross:I love all of you guys so much.

Ross:But Rachel... Rachel's my favorite.

Joey:What? These are my earbuds.

Joey:I like to listen to the game while I watch it.

Judy Geller:No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?'

Judy Geller:If you had married Barry, I'd say 'Why didn't you marry a doctor?' If you had married a doctor, I'd say 'Why didn't you marry someone Jewish?' If you had married a Jewish doctor, I'd say 'Why didn't you marry someone rich?' If you had married a rich Jewish doctor, I'd say 'Why is he so short?'

Monica:I grew up with a mother who criticized everything I did. So yeah, I think I know a little bit about it.

Ross:Okay, okay, I know this is embarrassing, but... I may have taken some baby pictures of myself dressed as different animals.

Ross:There's one of me as a duck, one as a lion... and please, I'm begging you all, can we just be mature about this?

Joey:Hey, check this out! I found this amazing naked photo!

Ross:Joey, that's me. That's a baby picture of me.

Joey:No way!

Ross:Yes way. My mom has like fifty of those.

I cannot accurately parse this joke. 'Lowell' is not a character from Friends, and the setup/punchline description doesn't match the show's format or character roster. Please verify the show name and character list.

Chandler:Can you tell I'm not gay?

Lowell:Gaydar is a real thing. It's not like I'm making it up.

Chandler:Do I have a quality that makes me seem gay?

Lowell:On behalf of the gay community, I'm here to tell you... no.

Chandler:Wait, Brian from Payroll is gay?

Lowell:Yeah, and so am I. We're both way too attractive for you anyway.

Chandler:No, no, no, I'm not out of her league. I'm not! I'm totally in her league.

Chandler:See? See? I'm in the league. I'm in it!