The One With The Ultimate Fighting Champ

Joey:You know what I don't get? There's a town called Sample. Sample! And they probably have a sign that's just like, 'Welcome to Sample.' I mean, what else would it be? 'Welcome to Example'? No! It's Sample!

Monica:Everyone just skooch over a little bit.

Chandler:I'm skooching! I'm skooching as much as I can skooch!

Monica:Well skooch more!

Chandler:There is no more skooch! I have skooched to my maximum skooch capacity!

Tim:It's like wearing someone else's bowling shoes. You know something's off, but you can't quite put your finger on why. They fit okay, but they don't feel right. And you keep wondering... who wore these before me?

The gross revelation that it's still oozing

Tim:I think my wife is cheating on me with her gynecologist.

Doug:That's terrible. I'm so sorry to hear that.

Tim:Yeah, I've been suspicious for weeks. She's always going to her appointments, and she comes back looking so... satisfied.

Doug:Well, have you confronted her about it?

Tim:I'm about to. I'm going to demand to know who this gynecologist is.

Doug:Tim... it's me. I'm her gynecologist.

Monica:I had this whole thing prepared, and I was going to come in here and tell you exactly how I felt, and I was so angry, and I had all these things written down...

Rachel:And?

Monica:And I completely forgot what I was going to say.

Phoebe:You know, if you're gonna get married, you should really think about changing your last name. I mean, 'Monica Geller' — it's not terrible, but 'Monica Bing'? That's a whole new thing.

Monica:I like my name.

Phoebe:Well, that's good, because you're keeping it.

Rachel:Wait, so in Ultimate Fighting, it's anything goes?

Monica:Yeah, pretty much. You can do almost anything.

Rachel:Almost? What can't you do?

Monica:Well, you can't bite, you can't pull hair, you can't strike the groin...

Rachel:So it's not really 'anything goes' then, is it?

Monica:Oh thank God, I was dreading having to explain that.

Joey:I washed my hands in duck water.

Other:Why would you do that?

Joey:Because I bathed a duck in the sink!

Doug:You know, it doesn't matter if you fail. What matters is that you tried.

Chandler:That's great, Doug. Although I have to say, that's the same thing my gym instructor told me, and I'm pretty sure he was just trying to make me feel better about passing out on the treadmill.

Chandler:I'm worried about making jokes at work. What if my boss doesn't think I'm funny?

Chandler:I told him one of my jokes today and he loved it. He's promoting me!

Chandler:I can't say anything to her about it. What if she takes it the wrong way?

Joey:Chandler, she's sexually harassing you.

Chandler:I know, but what if I say something and she gets mad and then she doesn't sexually harass me anymore? Then I'll have gotten mad for nothing!

Ross:It's like if someone came up to you and just started touching your butt. You wouldn't be okay with that, would you?

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! If you're gonna grab her boob, you gotta be gentle about it.

Ross:Joey!

Joey:What? I'm just saying, you can't just go in there like you're trying to find the last good grape in the bunch.

Monica:We are not talking about the stew.

Joey:Wait, why would we put something smelly on Chandler's butt?

Chandler:Oh God, imagine President Joey. *doing Joey voice* 'The State of the Union is... how you doin'?'

Chandler:Nuclear codes? He'd use them as a pickup line. 'Hey baby, want to see my missile?'

Phoebe:Bonnie is this woman I knew in the group home. She was really weird - she'd collect her own hair after she brushed it.

Rachel:Oh my God, that's disgusting!

Phoebe:Yeah, and she'd keep it in a box under her bed.

Rachel:Wait - Bonnie with the hair box? Oh my God, that's the girl who... that's insane!

Pete:Hoshi was a paid assassin.

Hoshi:I was a housepainter.

Hoshi:No sex before the fight. It weakens you.

Pete:What if we just do it like, halfway? You know, like just the top half?

Ross:It's just so depressing. I mean, you see these fallen child stars selling pretzels on the street corner, and you think, 'What happened to you?'

Ross:You look different. Did you do something different?

Bonnie:I'm wearing a bra.

Rachel:She has hair! Oh my God, she has hair! It's long, and it's dark, and it's... it's hair!

Chandler:So your boss just walks around slapping people's butts?

Joey:Yeah, but only the ones he likes. I got slapped three times yesterday.

Chandler:Three times? What did you do?

Joey:I have no idea. But I'm starting to think it's less about favoritism and more about the physics of it.

Chandler:The physics of it?

Joey:Yeah, like, if he slaps you hard enough, you ricochet into the next person, and then they get slapped too. It's like a domino effect of butt-slapping.

Doug:Alright team, I've organized a trust fall exercise. But here's the twist — we're going to bond over our shared hatred of Dartmouth!

Coworker:Um, why Dartmouth?

Doug:Because they're our rivals! Now, everyone repeat after me: 'We hate Dartmouth!'

Coworker:We hate Dartmouth!

Doug:Louder! DARTMOUTH IS THE WORST!

Coworker:DARTMOUTH IS THE WORST!

Doug:Yes! Yes! I can feel the team unity! We are ONE against—

Coworker:Wait, Doug. My sister goes to Dartmouth.

Doug:Oh. Well... I'm sure she's... doing her best.

Ross:Oh wow, look at this! The Ultimate Fighting combo meal comes with a free cup!

Ross:And it's only $2 more than buying everything separately. That's... that's incredible savings!

Ross:A free cup! Do you know what I can do with a free cup? I can drink out of it!

Monica:How are you holding up? That was quite a fight.

Pete:Yeah, well, the crowd loved it. They were chanting my name, throwing things, telling me to get off their guy...

Pete:You know, I tried to learn MOSS 2 once. Spent three months studying it.

Pete:Failed the certification exam by one point. One point!

Pete:But I didn't give up. I studied harder, retook it.

Pete:Failed again. This time by two points.

Pete:Turns out I'm just not a MOSS 2 guy. I'm at peace with that now.

Chandler:So Pete's fighting this guy next week who trains by having people hit him in the stomach repeatedly.

Joey:That's crazy! How is that training?

Chandler:Well, I guess the idea is to build up tolerance. But I think there's an easier way—just date Monica.

Doug:Oh, that's nothing. Last week I drove home from a bar, completely wasted, hit a mailbox, kept going.

Chandler:Doug, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but when you slap someone on the butt, it's considered inappropriate in the workplace.

Doug:Oh, you want me to swear more? Okay! *slaps butt* F*** yeah! *slaps butt* S*** yeah!

Chandler:Look, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but could we maybe keep the physical contact to a minimum? I have a very delicate... posterior.

Phoebe:Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant or inside his shower drain?

Phoebe:Well, she's touching his thigh. I mean, that's like, second base.

Rachel:He's dating Bonnie? Bonnie?! The bald woman?!

Monica:She's not completely bald, Rachel.

Rachel:Well, when he's done with her, I have a very specific demand: his next girlfriend has to be bald. I want him to know what it feels like!

Monica:Oh my God, we killed them! We killed all the ants!

Chandler:Monica, they're ants.

Monica:They were working together! They had a little society!

Pete:I'm gonna be the Ultimate Fighting Champion. I'm gonna be the best fighter in the world.

Chandler:That's great, Pete.

Pete:Yeah, I'm gonna fight anybody. I'll fight you.

Chandler:I don't think so.

Pete:I'll fight Superman.

Joey:Pete, Superman's not real.

Pete:So? I'd still kick his ass. I'd fight a kid.

Monica:Pete, this isn't working. I can't be with someone who gets beaten up for a living. I need stability, a future, someone who'll remember our anniversary!

Pete:Wait, you're breaking up with me because of the fighting?

Monica:Yes! And because you might get brain damage and forget who I am.

Pete:Monica, I've taken a lot of hits, but I promise I'll remember you.

Monica:You say that now, but what about in five years?

Pete:Look, if I forget you, you can just tell me again. It's not like I won't recognize you.

Doug:You forgot your briefcase on purpose!

Doug:You just wanted an excuse to get out of work!

Chandler:That is not true!

Doug:Oh yeah?

Doug:Well take that!

Joey:Pete won! Pete actually won the Ultimate Fighting Championship!

Monica:Wait, he won?

Joey:Yeah!

Monica:Pete won the Ultimate Fighting Championship?

Joey:Well... he fought in it.

Announcer:And Bruiser is going for his favorite area.

Phoebe:Aw, that's sweet! He has a favorite area!

Ross:Well, that's not good for his sperm count.