The One With Joeys Dirty Day

Chandler:What is a Googlie Worm?

Joey:I don't know, but it sounds amazing.

Monica:And what about this one? Glow Pop Jiggly Jam?

Ross:These are the worst product names I've ever heard.

Phoebe:I think they're beautiful.

Monica:It's disgusting old food that's been sitting around for a year

Chandler:I caught something!

Joey:What is it?

Chandler:I don't know, but it's putting up a hell of a fight.

Monica:Reel it in!

Chandler:I'm trying! Oh my God, I got it!

Ross:What'd you catch?

Chandler:An old boot.

Phoebe:That's amazing! You did it! You're a fisherman!

Chandler:Well, that went well.

Joey:My dad's gonna come in here, he's gonna take one look around and say, 'Joey, when are you gonna get a real job?'

Joey:And I'm gonna say, 'Dad, I'm a movie star!'

Chandler:She didn't cheat on all of us.

Joey:Yes, she did.

Monica:It's so sweet how the rooster stays by your side.

Chandler:Yeah, well, I want it dead.

Monica:Okay, those are sweatpants.

Chandler:So?

Monica:So, sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You're not even trying anymore. Next thing I know you'll be eating Ben & Jerry's straight out of the container.

Chandler:I'm not eating ice cream.

Joey:That's just the first stage. Wait until stage two.

Chandler:So you're going through a breakup? Here's what you do: First, you cry. Then you eat a lot. Then you get really drunk and call her at 3 AM.

Joey:Or you could just do what I do — replace her with someone else.

Chandler:Yeah, well some of us have standards, Joey.

Joey:Hey, I have standards!

Chandler:You go to a strip club, you see a beautiful woman dancing, she takes your money, and leaves you. It's like a relationship, but shorter and with better music.

Unknown:Then to phase three: seeing yourself with other women. There are naked ladies there too.

Customer:Do you have these gloves in a different size?

Store clerk:Well, they're both the same size.

Customer:I know, but do you have them in a *different* size?

Store clerk:Sir, they're both the same size.

Unknown:Hi, how are you?

Unknown:Get away from me, you idiot!

Unknown:Sorry, sorry. I'm fine, thanks for asking.

Mr. Waltham:She's from England.

Mr. Waltham:Well, actually, she's from Gloucestershire.

Ross:Opera? Oh, I would love to go to the opera! I mean, I've never actually been to one, but I've always wanted to experience the culture, the sophistication, the... the opulence of it all.

Ross:Wait, is it the one with the really fat lady? Because I read about that. The fat lady sings? That's the whole thing, right? When does she come on?

Joshua:So, um, there's something I wanted to ask you. Do you think you could ever be with someone who had really extreme sexual preferences?

Rachel:I... I guess so? I mean, what kind of extreme are we talking about?

Joshua:Just kidding, I was just messing with you!

Mr. Waltham:You know, the opera has some of the most talented singers in the world. Luciano Pavarotti, Placido Domingo, Jose Carreras...

Chandler:This chair is 'the one.' It's my soulmate.

Chandler:My shirt and I have been through so much together. We've really grown as a couple.

Chandler:And my socks? We're practically married at this point.

Chandler:Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought Sweatpants.

Joey:No no no, that's not a bad thing!

Joey:And when you're wearing them, you're like, 'You know what? I give up. I'm not trying anymore.'

Joey:And it's awesome. It's like a hug from an old friend.

Joey:I haven't showered in three weeks.

Joey:And yesterday I fell in a pile of worms.

Joey:Chandler! I'm back!

Chandler:Could I BE any less excited to see you?

Phoebe:Oh, I'd love to help, but I can't tonight. I'm having terrible nausea and I need to lie down.

Rachel:Phoebe, you're not pregnant, are you?

Phoebe:No, no. I'm just nauseous because of all the ice cream I ate.

Monica:Wait, you ate ice cream and now you feel sick?

Phoebe:Yeah, well, the pregnancy test was negative, so I figured I could eat whatever I wanted!

Phoebe:I'm so nauseous in the mornings. It's terrible.

Monica:Do you want me to help you?

Phoebe:Oh, that would be great!

Monica:Okay, well, I'm gonna need a mop, a bucket, and I'm gonna have to hold your hair back while you throw up in the toilet.

Monica:Well, Joey's in a phase, and Chandler's in a different phase.

Phoebe:What about Joey now?

Monica:Joey's just... a smell.

Ross:Oh sure, yeah, great idea. I'll just take my girlfriend to the opera while you go have fun at a club. That way everyone wins!

Rachel:Can they see me? Can they see me?

Emily:No, they can't see you.

Rachel:Are you sure? Even a little bit?

Emily:Well, I would have received a call, wouldn't I?

Emily:I had the worst trip. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

Emily:First, I missed my flight because the taxi driver took me to the wrong terminal.

Emily:Then when I finally got on a plane, they ran out of vegetarian meals and I had to eat chicken.

Emily:In Rome, I stepped in a puddle and ruined my favorite shoes.

Emily:A pigeon shat on my shoulder in the Sistine Chapel.

Emily:And on the way home, a woman sat next to me who clipped her toenails for the entire flight!

Chandler:Wow, that was harsh. But man, do you sound great when you say it.

Phoebe:Oh! Oh my God, feel that! The baby's kicking!

Monica:Oh my God!

Rachel:That's so amazing!

Phoebe:I know! Wait... oh.

Phoebe:That's just my underwear elastic.

Joey:I'm gonna run to the set, make up some time.

Chandler:Joey, running is only going to make you smell worse.

Bouncer:You're not on the list.

Rachel:What? There must be some mistake. I'm Rachel Green.

Bouncer:Sorry, no Rachel Green here.

Random Person:Hi, I'm Rachel Greep.

Bouncer:Oh, Rachel Greep! Right this way!

Rachel:This night just keeps getting worse!

Rachel:I can't believe this is happening to me!

Rachel:Oh my God, did you just push me?

Rachel:That's it! You want to go? Let's go!

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. So 'Pheebs' is a nickname, but 'sweetie' is a term of endearment? What about 'hey you'? Is that a term of endearment or just what you call someone when you forget their name?

Phoebe:It depends on the tone.

Chandler:Oh, the tone. Of course. Because that makes it so much clearer.

Chandler:A strip club at 9:30 in the morning? What kind of establishment opens that early?

Unknown:They have a breakfast buffet.

Chandler:Well, why didn't you say so? I'm there!

Ross:Yeah, so anyway, my weekend was pretty good, I went to the park and—oh my God, did you know that pigeons can actually see ultraviolet light? No, I'm serious! It completely changes how they navigate urban environments. And another thing, the way they bob their heads when they walk? That's not just for balance, it's actually how they stabilize their vision while moving. I read this whole article about it...

Rachel:I can't believe you're going to Vermont so quickly. That's so unlike you, Ross.

Monica:Are you kidding? You flew to Paris for a guy!

Monica:Remember when you said you'd never date a guy shorter than six feet?

Rachel:Monica, that was like ten years ago!

Monica:And then you dated Kevin, who was five-eleven.

Rachel:Oh my God, are you ever going to let that go?

Monica:I'm just saying, you have a pattern.

Rachel:You know what? This is why I can't stand you sometimes. You remember everything I've ever said like some kind of crazy person!

Chandler:Can't we go back? I liked it better when we were just not talking.

Monica:Chandler, you can't just skip ahead in a breakup. There are phases.

Chandler:Phases? What, like the moon?

Monica:Exactly. You have to go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's not optional.

Chandler:So what you're saying is... I can't just will myself into acceptance?

Monica:No. It's like gravity, Chandler. You can't argue with it.

Monica:Why can't we come to poker night?

Chandler:Because it's guys only. It's tradition.

Rachel:That's ridiculous. We want to play.

Ross:Look, it's just something the guys do. Every week.

Phoebe:Well, we can do it too. We have cards. We have chips.

Monica:Yeah, what's the big deal? We're just as good at poker as you are.

Joey:It's not about being good. It's about—

Rachel:About what? You don't think we're smart enough?

Monica:We're coming. End of story.

Monica:I mean, wouldn't it be great to be a guy for just one day?

Rachel:Yeah, no periods, no cramps...

Phoebe:No waiting in line for the bathroom!

Chandler:Yeah, but you'd have to sit down to pee.

Joey:And you'd have to worry about your fly being down all the time.

Ross:Plus, you'd have to pretend to enjoy watching sports.

Mundane observation about famous actor's snacking habits

Joey:It wasn't me! It was Charlton Heston!

Joey:He was here earlier, and he's a big guy, you know? Could've been him.

Joey:Why does it smell like wet dog in here?

Chandler:That's not wet dog, that's Heston.

Joey:Yeah, well Heston smells like wet dog. Actually, wet dog smells like Heston.

Chandler:Oh wow, ones? What am I supposed to do with these, tip her or adopt her?

Chandler:Mom? MOM? What are you doing here?

Phoebe:He's not MY baby, he's the Bing's baby. I'm just the incubator.

Rachel:Oh my God, you guys, look at this place! It's so... I don't even know what to say.

Rachel:Wait, do you think they have a good health insurance plan? Because honestly, I could really use dental.

Chandler:I call Janice. Every time. No matter what time it is, no matter where I am.

Phoebe:That's so sweet that you think of her when you're drunk.

Chandler:I'm trying to break up with her!

Phoebe:Well, you're doing it wrong.

Joey:It's not what it looks like! I'm not Joey Tribbiani, I'm... I'm Brad Pitt!

Joey:I play a cop who's just two weeks away from retirement.

Charlton Heston:Two weeks?

Joey:Yeah, and I've got a real problem with authority.

Joey:I stink.

Charlton Heston:You're just nervous. Every actor gets stage fright. I was terrified before my first big role.

Charlton Heston:But I went out there and I gave it everything I had. You just need to believe in yourself.

Joey:No, I literally stink. Like, hygiene-wise.

Charlton Heston:Listen to me. Acting is about truth, about touching the very soul of the human experience. You must dig deep, find your character's essence, and—

Charlton Heston:And another thing: whoever's been using my shower without asking, it stops NOW. That's MY soap. MY shampoo. I don't care how inspirational you find my monologues, you don't get bathroom privileges.

Unknown:So we inspired a stripper to become a teacher?

Unknown:Yeah, she said watching us made her realize she could do better things with her life.

Unknown:That's actually kind of sweet.

Unknown:I know, right? We're like life coaches, but in a strip club.

Rachel:It's not Josh. It's Joshua.

Unknown:What's the difference?

Rachel:Well, Joshua is a name. Josh is what you call someone when you don't care enough to use all the syllables.

Monica:Girls are really good at... ...organizing things and being supportive friends!

Monica:Well, he seemed really nice. He told me about his dreams of opening a bed and breakfast in Vermont.

Phoebe:So I was at the club, right? And this guy comes up to me and he's like, 'You wanna make some money?' And I'm like, 'Sure!' So he takes me to this back room...

Monica:Oh my God, Phoebe!

Phoebe:What? He said I had great rhythm and that I should practice my moves. So I did! For like three hours! My legs were so tired.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. You guys are describing strippers to me? This is a breakthrough moment in my recovery process. I'm not even tempted. I'm just thinking about how tired they must be.

Chandler:Could I BE any more pathetic? I'm picturing Monica in a negligée.

Monica:Wait, how would that even work?

Chandler:I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Ross:She's incredible, you guys. We spent the entire weekend together and it was the most amazing, magical, wonderful experience of my entire life. I've never felt this way about anyone. She's perfect in every way. I think I'm in love with her.

Chandler:Dude, you've known her for two days.

Ross:I know, but it feels like a lifetime. A beautiful, perfect lifetime.

Chandler:You are going to take off my clothes. You two, go get the oils. And you, just constantly scream... 'Chandler's the king! Chandler's the king!'

Chandler:Okay, so in my dream, I'm married to Claudia Schiffer, we're on our private yacht, and she's feeding me grapes while I'm getting a foot massage from a Swedish bikini team.

Joey:That's nice, man.

Chandler:Wait, it gets better. Then Cindy Crawford walks by and—

Monica:Chandler, you know you're dreaming, right?

Chandler:Yeah, I know. That's the best part.

Chandler:How am I supposed to play Joshua? I don't even know who Joshua is!