The One With All The Rugby

Chandler:I'm the only man here. Look around, Monica. It's all women.

Monica:What about him?

Chandler:That's the mailman.

Monica:So?

Chandler:So he's delivering mail, not getting a pedicure!

Monica:You're very masculine, Chandler. You have nothing to worry about.

Chandler:Really? You think so?

Monica:Absolutely. You're one of the most masculine men I know.

Chandler:Thanks. That means a lot coming from you.

Monica:Come on, let's go get our nails done.

Chandler:Oh my God, is that a fingernail? Where did that come from? Please tell me that's not from someone's finger. Oh wait, of course it is. That's what fingernails do - they come from fingers. I'm an idiot. But seriously, whose finger was it? And more importantly, what was that finger doing in my hair?

Monica:What does that switch do? I need to know what that switch does.

Joey:Mon, it's just a switch.

Monica:No, there has to be a reason it's there. What if it controls something important?

Joey:Or maybe it doesn't do anything. Maybe it's just a switch.

Monica:Joey, don't you want to know what happened?

Joey:Not really.

Monica:The switch has to be for something!

Joey:*shrugs with complete indifference*

Monica:Joey, do you even know what a toilet is?

Joey:Of course I know what a toilet is!

Monica:Then why don't you use it to flush?

Joey:I do flush!

Monica:Joey, I've checked. You don't.

Chandler:Could I BE any more startled?!

Janice:Well, the divorce settlement was very generous. I got the apartment, the car, half his pension, and I get to keep all my stuff. It's like I'm getting paid to leave!

Janice:Oh. My. God. It's like he's paying me to take out the garbage!

Janice:Oh. My. God.

Chandler:And she's back.

Chandler:Bye Janice.

Janice:Bye Chandler.

Joey:Bye Janice.

Janice:Bye Joey.

Phoebe:Bye Janice.

Janice:Bye Phoebe.

Monica:Bye Janice.

Janice:Bye Monica.

Rachel:Bye Janice.

Janice:Bye Rachel.

Ross:Bye Janice.

Janice:Bye Ross.

Monica:So you're saying you don't have feelings for Janice?

Chandler:That's right. I mean, sure, she's got a great body, nice eyes, but...

Monica:But what?

Chandler:But she's got that annoying laugh. And she's kind of clingy. And she talks too much. And she's too needy. And... well, there's the whole personality thing.

Monica:The personality thing?

Chandler:Yeah, she has one.

Emily:I'm freezing! I need to get warm.

Chandler:Well, you could always try turning yourself up to 350 degrees.

Emily:New York is perfectly safe, Ross. You're being paranoid.

Ross:I don't know, Em. I've been reading these crime statistics—

Emily:See? Nothing to worry about. People live here all the time without incident.

Devon:HELP! SOMEBODY CALL 911!

Liam:Watch out! He's got a knife!

Devon:Help! Help! Someone call the police!

Chandler:We got you, man! We got you!

Joey:Yeah, we're just messing with you!

Ross:Happy birthday, Devon!

Devon:You guys are jerks.

Emily:When was the last time I saw you two?

Liam:Well, I stayed at your place last night.

Emily:Ha... ha... ha...

Ross:You know, I've been reading about British customs. They have tea time, which is actually quite sophisticated.

Chandler:Ross, you had tea once and complained it was 'leaf water.'

Ross:That was before I understood the nuances! It's about the ritual, the culture—

Monica:You also called scones 'biscuit bread' and asked if they put jam on them ironically.

Ross:I was... developing my palate!

Emily:You play rugby?

Ross:Yes, I do, actually. I'm quite good.

Emily:*laughs dismissively*

Ross:What? I am! I played in high school!

Emily:Oh, Ross. You can barely walk and chew gum at the same time.

Ross:That's not true! I'm very athletic!

Emily:You Americans don't know anything about rugby. It's a sport for real men.

Ross:Oh, that's funny, because last I checked, Americans invented basketball, baseball, and football. We also went to the moon. THE MOON, Emily! You know what sport they play on the moon? None! Because there's no air! But if there were, it would be an American sport!

Phoebe:I love singing. I'm really good at it.

Chandler:Yeah, that's great. By the way, the Metropolitan Opera called. They want their soprano back.

Janice:Oh. My. God. You know, I was thinking about you the other day, and I realized something. Love is like a beautiful nail polish - you have to apply it carefully, let it dry completely, and then hope it doesn't chip!

Chandler:I think we should slow things down a little bit.

Janice:Oh, you want to slow it down? Okay, let's slow it down. But I'm still gonna see you, and I'm still gonna be your girl, and we're still gonna do it.

Janice:Oh! Oh! Is it Paris? Ooh, or maybe Venice? Oh my God, or the French Riviera?

Chandler:Nope. New Jersey.

Chandler:I don't know exactly when we're leaving.

Monica:What do you mean you don't know? We have to leave in twenty minutes!

Chandler:Twenty minutes? Oh my God, we're not gonna make it!

Monica:We'll be fine if we just get going now.

Chandler:No, no, we need to leave in five minutes. Actually, we should have left ten minutes ago.

Monica:I've developed this incredibly sophisticated system where I listen for the exact frequency of the switch clicking, then I cross-reference it with ambient noise levels, and—

Rachel:Or you could just look at it.

Monica:No, no, no, that doesn't work.

Monica:Wait, where's that sound coming from?

Rachel:I don't know, it's been driving me crazy!

Monica:It's... it's coming from Joey's room.

Joey:What? I'm not doing anything!

Monica:No, the sound is... you. You're the appliance.

Joey:What are you talking about?

Rachel:Yeah, you're like a broken refrigerator or something.

Joey:You don't even pay for sports channels!

Ross:Yemen? That's actually pretty good. I mean, no one's going to follow you to Yemen.

Chandler:Could I BE any more desperate? Please, you have to help me out of this!

Joey:No.

Monica:You couldn't even beat a dog in a race!

Ross:That dog was very intimidating, Monica! It had very intense eyes.

Joey:You see, in rugby, you've got your scrum, your lineout, your ruck...

Ross:Right, right. And then there's the... flibbertigibbet and the wazzlewop.

Joey:What are you talking about?

Ross:I don't know, you lost me at 'scrum.'

Ross:Emily's ex-boyfriend Joe was really into rugby.

Phoebe:Joe Rugby? That's such a cool name!

Joey:Hey, don't let Chandler fool you. Ross is tough. I've seen him get really angry.

Chandler:Really? When?

Joey:Well, there was that time he yelled at the copy place guy. It was scary.

Chandler:Oh wow, yelling. That is tough. You know who else yells? My mom. When she's drunk.

Ross:Yeah, I know all about rugby strategy. I've been studying the plays, the formations...

Ross:But when it comes to actual contact, I'll just kind of... stay in the back. Maybe near the sideline. Where it's safe.

Monica:Oh my God, did you see that? He just broke his leg!

Monica:I guess that's what happens when you don't listen to Ross's advice about proper stretching techniques before attempting to do a backflip in a poorly lit apartment while wearing socks on a hardwood floor.

Ross:They're not intimidating.

Joey:Yeah, okay, but check it out. You're a guy, right? You see another guy, you think, 'Oh, that guy's got bigger muscles than me, he could probably kick my ass.' But these guys, they see you, they think, 'Oh, that guy's a little guy, I could squash him like a bug.' So to them, you're not intimidating.

Ross:You don't know Red Ross? Red Ross is my alter ego.

Joey:I have no idea who that is.

Chandler:Yeah, man, Red Ross doesn't exist.

Monica:Ross, you just made that up right now.

Ross:And that's why they call me 'Red Ross'.

Joey:I have no idea what you're talking about.

Ross:Okay, here I go, I'm gonna—AHHHHHHHHH!

Ross:Joey! Joey! JOEY!

Monica:So did he ask you out?

Rachel:Well, he said he'd call me.

Chandler:Oh, that's great! I'm sure he will. Right after he finishes his current relationship and completes his law degree.

Monica:I got the permit! Do you know how hard it was to get this permit?

Chandler:Oh, I'm sure it was nothing. Just a quick trip to the DMV, fill out a form in triplicate, sacrifice your firstborn child...

Chandler:I'm not actually on this flight. I'm on a different flight. A better flight. A flight that exists only in my mind.

Airline Agent:Sir, your ticket is right here for this flight.

Chandler:Yes, well, that ticket is also a lie. I printed it myself using Photoshop and my inkjet printer.

Airline Agent:That doesn't make any sense.

Chandler:Exactly! Which is why I'm getting on that plane over there. The invisible one.

Chandler:I need a ticket to London, but I don't actually want to go. I just need proof that I bought one.

Airline Agent:Why would you buy a ticket if you're not going to use it?

Chandler:Well, that's... it's complicated.

Chandler:Will you take a library card?

Airline Agent:Sir, this is an airline ticket counter, not a library.

Liam:I told the team to go easy on Ross.

Emily:Well, with your accent, I'm not surprised they didn't understand a word you said.

Ross:Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little winded. No big deal.

Emily:Are you sure?

Ross:Totally fine. I could go another round right now if I wanted to.

Emily:Okay, well I'm going to grab some water.

Ross:Oh my God, I'm dying. I can't feel my legs.

Ross:I'm dying. I'm actually dying. My whole body is broken.

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross!

Ross:There's something I need to tell you all. Something I should have said a long time ago.

Monica:What? What is it?

Ross:I... I've always loved...

Chandler:Loved what? Spit it out, man!

Ross:Paleontology. I've always loved paleontology.

Ross:I'm not quitting! You think I'm just gonna walk away? I'm Tough Ross now.

Joey:Oh yeah? Well I'm Dead Ross.

Emily:I could help you with your rugby strategy.

Ross:You? What do you know about rugby?

Emily:Well, I grew up around it. My father played.

Ross:Oh. Well, I didn't realize... I mean, that's great! So you know about the, uh, the tackles and the... the physical contact?

Emily:Yes, Ross, I understand the basic rules.

Ross:Right, because you know, there's a lot of grabbing and... holding onto each other. I just thought, well, you'd probably be uncomfortable with all the... the guys touching you.

Emily:So their centre forward has a terrible left foot.

Ross:Target the left foot.

Emily:And their goalkeeper is afraid of heights.

Ross:We'll play high balls!

Emily:And apparently their striker has a fear of confrontation.

Ross:We'll stand really close to him and yell a lot!

Emily:His knees are weak, you should go for those.

Emily:I don't care about team loyalty.

Phoebe:Yeah, hurt him!

Rachel:Joey, what is this thing on your wall?

Joey:That's art, baby. I made it myself.

Rachel:You made it? From what, a shoe and a bottle cap?

Joey:Exactly! See, most people would just throw those things away. But I see potential. I see beauty.

Rachel:Oh my God! Joey, there's a hole in your apartment!

Joey:I know, I like to look at my art.

Monica:Oh my God, I found it! I found the switch!

Joey:What does it do?

Monica:I don't know, let me flip it.

Mrs. Catrokis:Hey! Hey! My TV just went out!

Monica:Oh no...

Emily:You need ice on that.

Phoebe:Ooh, ice! Yes please!

Ross:I made a grown man cry today.

Ross:The last time I did that, I was seven years old and I'd just backed the car into my dad's car.

Ross:It's worth it.

Emily:Oh!

Ross:No, no, no, no, no! It's not worth it! It's not worth it!

Janice:How long will you be in Yemen?

Chandler:Well, I don't know exactly. Could be three months, could be a year. I might have to stay longer if things don't go well.

Janice:A year?!

Chandler:Yeah, see, the thing is, I might have to help them with their... their coffee infrastructure. And then there's the whole camel situation. Plus, I may have promised to teach their children English, and I'm not a quick teacher. Also, I think I might stay forever.

Janice:I'm going to write to Chandler every day.

Janice:I'll address it to: Chandler Bing, The United States of America.

Chandler:Oh no.

Janice:Where are you going?

Chandler:Yemen.

Janice:Oh! I've always wanted to go to Yemen!

Chandler:Of course you have.

Janice:When do we leave?

Monica:Okay, I found it! This is the switch that controls... everything!

Monica:Here goes nothing.

Monica:Oh my God!