The One After Ross Says Rachel

Officiant:Do you, Ross, take Emily to be your wife?

Ross:I do. I take thee, Rachel—

Ross:I mean, Emily. Emily. I take thee, Emily.

Wedding Guest 1:Did he just...?

Wedding Guest 2:Yeah, he did.

Wedding Guest 3:Oh my God.

Wedding Guest 1:At his own wedding.

Wedding Guest 2:In front of everyone.

Ross:Look, it's not that bad. I mean, we can work through this. I'm very capable of handling difficult situations.

Rachel:Ross, you just said her name at the altar.

Ross:Okay, but I'm thinking positively about it.

Ross's father:Well, at least this disaster is better than your last marriage.

Ross:Dad!

Monica:Well, at least nobody died.

Chandler:Yeah, that would've been worse.

Monica:Much worse.

Chandler:I mean, what could be worse than that?

Monica:Well, if they died AND it was my fault.

Chandler:Okay, yeah, that's worse.

Monica:And if I did it on purpose.

Chandler:That is significantly worse.

Joey:How long is this gonna take? I'm starving.

Ross's father:Well, that's a great idea, Ross. Really brilliant.

Ross:Thanks, Dad! I'm so glad you think so.

Phoebe:Hi, I'm calling on behalf of Dr. Geller. He has a rare condition called... uh... Transatlantic Relationship Disorder.

Phoebe:The symptoms are: he keeps saying the wrong woman's name. It's a very serious condition. He might call Emily 'Rachel,' or Rachel 'Monica,' or Monica 'Erica'...

Phoebe:The names are all interchangeable in his brain. It's very sad, but very treatable with hugs.

Phoebe:Oh no, oh no! Did you just say my real name? That's how it spreads!

Phoebe:Once you say Phoebe Buffay out loud, the disease knows who you are!

Monica:We said it was just one time. We agreed on that.

Chandler:I know, I know.

Monica:So how did it happen seven times?

Chandler:I don't know! We kept running into each other!

Monica:Okay, we have to promise. No more doing it unless we're in London.

Chandler:Agreed. It stays in London.

Monica:So... you want to come to my room?

Chandler:Yeah, okay.

Rachel:Monica, I really need your advice about Ross. This is serious.

Monica:Okay, here's what you need to do: synergize your core competencies, think outside the box, and leverage your bandwidth for maximum ROI.

Rachel:That... doesn't help at all.

Monica:Well, you also need to circle back and touch base with your stakeholders about moving the needle on this initiative.

Mrs. Geller:Did we do something wrong?

Mr. Geller:Yes.

Ross's father:Ross's father complaining about being served steak with no place to sit

Joey:Pheebs, I have to tell you something. I ate a cheeseburger.

Phoebe:What?! You said you wouldn't eat meat while I was pregnant!

Joey:I know, I know, but I was in New Jersey.

Phoebe:So?

Joey:So, New Jersey doesn't count!

Rachel:It doesn't mean anything! It's just a name. I mean, people say names all the time.

Rachel:Like, if I were standing in the street and a big truck was coming at me, and someone yelled 'Rachel!' I wouldn't think it meant anything!

Band member:Look, I'm just gonna say it — every time you do that thing where you cry and yell, you spit a little bit. And I'm standing right here with my saxophone.

Chandler:Oh, I know what she's doing. She's hiding. On my wedding day, I did the same thing. I locked myself in the bathroom for twenty minutes.

Monica:What?! You never told me that!

Chandler:Well, I was having serious doubts. I mean, what if I wasn't ready? What if I was making a huge mistake?

Monica:So what changed your mind?

Chandler:I looked in the mirror and I thought, 'You know what? You're being an idiot. She's the best thing that ever happened to you.' So I came out and I married you.

Monica:Monica warning about screaming 'yippee' during sex

Rachel:It wasn't a mistake. You said it because you meant it. On some level, you have feelings for me.

Ross:Rachel, I was drunk.

Rachel:Exactly! Drunk people don't lie. That's a scientific fact. Your subconscious was finally being honest.

Ross:My subconscious was being drunk.

Rachel:You know what? I think you're just scared. Scared of what this means for us. But I'm not scared. I'm ready to explore this.

Monica:How long do you need to get ready?

Chandler:Five minutes.

Monica:Really? I need at least forty-five.

Chandler:Well, I'm just going to throw on some clothes.

Monica:Forty-five minutes and I still won't look as good as you do in five.

Chandler:That's because you care what people think.

Monica:I do not!

Chandler:You're spending forty-five minutes getting ready to go to the grocery store.

Monica:It's not the grocery store, it's the farmer's market, and there's a difference.

Monica:There's no time for romance.

Monica:I'm too busy.

Chandler:Really? Because you're currently making out with me.

Joey:Come on, man, I got a date. You gotta get out of here.

Chandler:I know, I know. I'm going.

Joey:No, you're not. You're just sitting there.

Chandler:Fine! Fine, I'm leaving. But just so we're clear... you're the one who's gonna be having sex tonight.

Joey:Yes!

Chandler:Not me.

Joey:We know, Chandler.

Monica:I can't leave! I rented this movie and I have to watch it or I'm wasting money!

Chandler:Monica, you've already watched it three times.

Monica:Exactly! So I need to watch it again to make sure I got my money's worth!

Chandler:Look, the room wanted it. I could tell by the way the walls were looking at me. And the bed, the bed was practically begging for it. The curtains were like, 'Come on, Chandler, we're just hanging here, do something!' Even the mini-bar was encouraging me!

Chandler:Well, if you think about it, statistically speaking, one out of every five people has a friend named Emily. So if you just hang around with groups of five people, eventually you'll find her.

Ross:That's... that's not how statistics work.

Monica:I have to go... um... check on something. Yeah, my apartment needs... dusting. Right now.

Ross:Wait, Monica—

Monica:Did you know a 747 is 230 feet long? Anyway, bye!

Monica:Ross, we're here for you.

Ross:Thanks, I appreciate that.

Chandler:Yeah man, we've got your back.

Chandler:Come here.

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?!

Chandler:I'm just trying to comfort you!

Ross:Well, there's a less... handsy way to do it!

Monica:We have to be really quiet. Ross is asleep right next door.

Chandler:Okay, so what are we thinking? A quick in and out situation?

Monica:Well, we'd have to wait until he's in deep sleep. That's usually around 11 PM.

Chandler:11 PM? That's still prime time for him to get up and use the bathroom.

Monica:True. Maybe we should aim for midnight?

Chandler:Midnight works, but we need an exit strategy. If we hear any movement, we have to stop immediately.

Monica:Agreed. And we absolutely cannot use the squeaky bed.

Chandler:We're doing it on the floor then.

Emily's stepmother:Emily's stepmother calling Ross 'absolutely delicious' while her husband is right there

Joey:Wait, so this guy is a giant, right? And he's got a whole movie? I'm six feet tall. That's like, basically a giant in New York. I could be the next big thing!

Chandler:Joe, he's actually a giant. You're just... tall.

Joey:No, no, no. This is my benchmark now. If Billy Crystal can carry a whole movie with a giant, I can carry a movie with... me. I'm basically a giant in real estate terms.

Joey:I'm never gonna work again! There's a guy out there who's taller than me, and he's an actor!

Chandler:Joey, there are a lot of guys taller than you.

Joey:Yeah, but they're not all gorgeous!

Monica:Okay, we need to talk about the rules of this apartment.

Joey:What rules? You're the one who ate my leftover sandwich!

Monica:That was one time! And you've been using my shampoo for months!

Phoebe:Well, I've been using both your toothbrushes.

Joey:What?!

Monica:Phoebe!

Phoebe:What? I needed to clean my guitar.

Joey:Your guitar?! I've been letting Rachel use my Netflix password without telling anyone!

Monica:Joey, everyone knows about that.

Phoebe:Yeah, and I've been charging my phone in here when you're all asleep.

Monica:We pay for that electricity!

Joey:Okay, fine. I also borrowed twenty bucks from Rachel's purse.

Phoebe:I wore Monica's Thanksgiving dress to a gig.

Monica:My Vera Wang?!

Joey:I also told Chandler about the surprise party.

Phoebe:I'm sorry, I just... I can't remember things anymore. It's the pregnancy.

Monica:That was really special tonight. I felt like we really connected on a deeper level.

Chandler:Yeah, and you looked really pretty.

Monica:Monica's 'I'm still on London time. Does that count?' to justify more sex

Rachel:Oh my God, I just realized something...

Rachel:I've been thinking about this all wrong.

Rachel:What I really need to do is... get bangs!

Rachel:Oh my God, oh my God. What if the plane crashes?

Monica:Rachel, planes are very safe.

Rachel:What if it doesn't crash? What if we just keep flying? What if the pilot forgets he's flying?

Chandler:What if the pilot IS the plane?

Rachel:Oh my God!

Ross:Rachel, I can't do this anymore. I'm leaving Emily.

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross, are you sure?

Ross:I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

Emily:Ross?

Rachel:Oh no.

Emily:What is going on here?