The One Where They All Turn Thirty

Chandler:Happy 30th birthday, Rachel!

Joey:Yeah, happy birthday. You don't look a day over 29.

Monica:Joey!

Joey:What? I'm saying she looks young!

Chandler:That's not what you meant and we all know it.

Rachel:Okay, so here are the ground rules for birthday compliments. No 'you look great for your age.' No 'you don't look a day over forty.' And absolutely no 'you're prettier when you smile.'

Rachel:I'm not getting older. I'm just becoming a classic.

Monica:Turning 30 is not a big deal. It's just another birthday.

Monica:I mean, what's the difference between 29 and 30? Nothing!

Monica:It's just a number.

Monica:OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. I'M GONNA DIE ALONE!

Phoebe:Oh wow, okay, so you got a job on a soap opera, you're making money, you're doing great!

Phoebe:But you're in a coma.

Chandler:Wait, so Dr. Drake Ramoray is in a coma?

Joey:Yeah, they wrote me into a coma.

Chandler:Oh no! When does he wake up?

Joey:I don't know. They haven't told me yet.

Chandler:Well, this is terrible. We should all go see it when it airs. I'll bring tissues.

Monica:Joey, this is a big deal for you!

Joey:I know, I'm devastated. Dr. Drake Ramoray means everything to me.

Rachel:Oh my God, we'll have to have a viewing party. This is so sad.

Phoebe:Oh, I've accomplished tons of stuff. I've been a street person, I've been a drug addict, I make my own perfume.

Phoebe:I don't compare myself to other people's accomplishments.

Phoebe:My major life achievement is bouncing on a children's toy.

Phoebe:I'm really proud of my Hippity Hop achievement. I can bounce so high!

Chandler:That's what she said.

Rachel:I don't want to do anything for my birthday. I just want to stay home and do nothing.

Ross:We could go to that new restaurant everyone's been talking about.

Rachel:That's stupid.

Ross:Or we could see a movie?

Rachel:That's stupid too.

Ross:It's not about showing off. It's a practical vehicle—good gas mileage, reliable—

Ross:Plus, the ladies love it.

unknown:Ross, a sports car? Wouldn't it be cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?

Ross:Well, actually, I know quite a bit about cars. I have a very keen eye for aesthetics and design.

Chandler:Okay, so what's under the hood?

Ross:Under the... hood? I don't... that's not really the important part, is it? I mean, look at the curves, the lines, the overall silhouette.

Monica:Ross, that's not how cars work.

Ross:Well, they should!

Ross:I give the smoothest ride in the city.

Ross:My car purrs like a kitten.

Tag:I know how you feel. I'm turning 25 next month.

Rachel:Tag, that's not the same thing at all.

Tag:Why not? It's a milestone birthday.

Rachel:Because turning 25 is nothing! Turning 30 is like... you're officially old.

Tag:But 25 is a quarter-century.

Rachel:Oh my God, you're an idiot.

Rachel:Oh please, turning 30 is not a big deal. I mean, look at me. I'm turning 30 and I'm fine!

Joey:What? It's not like I have an Adam's banana!

Joey:It's Joey's apple!

Chandler:It's not Joey's apple, Joey. It's just an apple.

Joey:No, it's Joey's apple!

Chandler:We've been over this a thousand times!

Chandler:This tuxedo is 30 years old.

Monica:Where did you get it?

Chandler:My father.

Joey:Well, it's a nice tuxedo.

Chandler:Yeah, well, he wore it when he and my mother... you know, in the back of a car at a drive-in movie.

Monica:Oh my God!

Chandler:Yeah, I'm a tuxedo baby.

Monica:I'm gonna throw up.

Monica:My parents have never seen me drunk.

Chandler:That's not necessarily true.

Chandler:Here, let me help you with your breath.

Monica:My breath? It's not YOUR breath, it's MY breath!

Rachel:Oh my God! Oh my God!

Rachel:*pauses, squints* Wait... what?

Rachel:SURPRISE?! For ME?!

Chandler:Why don't you just break into one of the other cars?

Ross:What? No! I can't do that!

Chandler:Come on, it's not that hard. I do it all the time.

Joey:Yeah, we know.

Phoebe:I'm actually 31.

Monica:Wait, you have a birth certificate?

Phoebe:Oh yeah, I sold that to a guy in the park for twenty bucks.

Phoebe:Wait, so your first name is your first name, and your middle name is your middle name?

Phoebe:Then what's the answer?

Chandler:We need to hide Monica's drunk state from her parents.

Joey:I got it! One of us becomes even MORE drunk. Then they'll be so focused on that person, they won't notice Monica!

Ross:That's the worst plan I've ever heard.

Chandler:I'll do it.

Joey:I'll help her change!

Rachel:You know what? The list is the list. You don't just get off the list. The list is law.

Rachel:Once you're on the list, you stay on the list.

Rachel:Wait, so because we're a couple now, we only get one gift? That's not fair!

Chandler:Well, yeah. You get one gift as a couple.

Rachel:But we used to get two gifts when we were single!

Monica:Okay, but those gifts were a candle and a picture frame.

Rachel:A candle! That's a gift!

Monica:Okay, okay, I can explain. It's a funny card. See, it says 'Happy Birthday Grandma' but Rachel's not a grandma, so it's ironic.

Rachel:Monica, I'm 26.

Monica:Right, which is why it's funny! Because you're so young to be a grandma. Well, not a real grandma, just... a grandma-aged person.

Chandler:You might want to stop talking.

Monica:No, no, I've got this. Rachel, the card is saying that you look like you could be someone's grandmother. In a hot way!

Rachel:I want to have three kids.

Joey:Three kids? That's great!

Rachel:Yeah, I want them to be close in age.

Joey:Close in age? So they'll be like... siblings?

Rachel:Yes, Joey. They'll be siblings.

Joey:And you want them to be... close?

Rachel:Okay, so if I want to have a baby by 35, and I need at least 9 months for pregnancy, plus 6 months to get my pre-pregnancy body back, and then I need to factor in time to break in a new Prada bag before the baby ruins it... I should probably get pregnant like... now.

Rachel:I want to be married for a year before we have kids.

Phoebe:A year? That's like, forever!

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is happening here?

Joey:I'm just trying to help!

Chandler:Well you're doing it wrong. You look like Bambi on ice!

Monica:I love you so much right now.

Chandler:I know. You're drunk.

Chandler:Hey, hey! So, uh, I was thinking about going streaking through Central Park tomorrow.

Monica:What?!

Chandler:Yeah, you know, just letting it all hang out. Being one with nature.

Ross:Dude, that's not happening.

Chandler:Why not? I think it could be liberating.

Monica:I'm a harmonika! Get it? Harmonica... Monica... Harmonika!

Phoebe:I'm terrified of getting old. What if I wake up one day and I'm like, totally ancient?

Monica:Oh please, I made a deal with God about that years ago.

Phoebe:What kind of deal?

Monica:I said, 'God, if you let me stay young and beautiful, I promise I'll be really nice to people.' So far so good.

Phoebe:Wait, that's your deal? What about the rest of us?

Monica:You should've thought of that before I made it.

Phoebe:I want to learn to play the guitar, and I want to fall in love, and I want to go to Paris.

Phoebe:And I want to change my name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.

Phoebe:And I want to stab a man in the eye with a fork.

Phoebe:I've never been kissed by a man with a unibrow.

Chandler:Well, I could pluck mine...

Phoebe:No, no, it has to be natural.

Joey:I got this.

Joey:Phoebe, I'm gonna help you check something off that list.

Phoebe:Really?

Joey:Yeah.

Phoebe:Oh my God, thank you!

Phoebe:Okay, so I need to check off 'learn Portuguese' from my list.

Monica:Phoebe, you don't have any Portuguese heritage.

Phoebe:I know, but I can still learn it! I'll just... date a Portuguese guy for like a week.

Ross:Okay, if we just tilt it back and use the dolly like a fulcrum...

Chandler:Ross, what are you doing?

Ross:The pivot point is here, so if we apply the force at a ninety-degree angle...

Monica:Ross, just push it!

Ross:No, no, wait! If we can just get it centered on the dolly, the weight distribution will...

Rachel:It's not working.

Phoebe:Yeah, we're just pushing a couch.

Ross:PIVOT! PIVOT! PIVOT!

Joey:We are pivoting!

Ross:Turn it!

Joey:Can I ride your scooter outside?

Rachel:Sure, go ahead!

Rachel:Wait, no! Are you crazy?

Rachel:Wait, how old are you?

Tag:I'm 23.

Rachel:23?! I thought you were 25!

Rachel:Tag, I can't keep seeing you. You want to get married and have kids, and I'm not there yet. I'm only 28, and you're 24. By the time I'm ready, you'll be like, 40.

Tag:Rachel, that's not how math works.

Rachel:No, it's not. But it's how my biological clock works. And frankly, you're just not worth the risk.

Ross:Oh my God, we did it! We actually did it!

Ross:Easy, easy... you're okay now. You're safe. Daddy's got you.

Ross:So... how do I look?

Car Salesman:Hey, nice car! You interested in selling it?

Ross:What? No! I just bought this!

Car Salesman:I'll give you a great price for it.

Ross:I'm not selling my car.

Car Salesman:Come on, make some quick cash.

Ross:No, I... I like this car. I just got it.

Chandler:Dude, he's right. You should sell it.

Ross:What? Chandler, no!

Chandler:I'm just saying, you could make money and go back to taking the subway like a normal person.