The One With Phoebes Rats

Chandler:I'll help you decorate!

Monica:Really? That would be great.

Chandler:I Will Survive! I Will Survive! Hey hey!

Monica:...What are you doing?

Chandler:I'm helping! In helium voice!

Rachel:I can't speak loudly in here.

Rachel:Gunther's been staring at me all morning.

Ross:Somebody's getting fussy.

Chandler:Hey, I'm not fussy. I'm just... I've been waiting for that cookie for twenty minutes.

Chandler:Oh, she's not that hot. I mean, if she were interested, I'd have no shot anyway. I'd probably say something stupid like, 'Did it hurt?' and she'd be like, 'Did what hurt?' and I'd say, 'When you fell from heaven?' and she'd just stare at me in horror.

Ross:She's not even that pretty.

Rachel:Really?

Ross:Yeah, I mean, she's okay, but nothing special.

Rachel:[leaves]

Ross:Oh my God, she is so hot! I'm pathetic!

Phoebe:No, no, no. The capital of Peru is Vtox.

Mike:Phoebe, Lima is the capital of Peru.

Phoebe:Well, maybe where you're from. In Peru, it's Vtox. It's like detox, but with a V.

Mike:Is Bob your pet rat?

Phoebe:No! Well, I mean, he is a rat, but he's not a pet. He's more like... a roommate who doesn't pay rent. It's like leaving cookies out for Santa, except the rat actually shows up.

Phoebe:Yeah, but Santa doesn't poop in your apartment.

Phoebe:What are leptospirosis and hantavirus?

Mike:They're diseases. And they don't sound very relaxing.

Mike:You have to get rid of that rat.

Phoebe:But Mike, you eat food that the rat has been near.

Gavin:So let me get this straight. You're apologizing... by insulting me?

Gavin:That's quite an apology technique you've got there.

Rachel:I'm so sorry, Gavin. I really want to talk to you about this.

Gavin:Yeah, sure, no problem.

Rachel:Oh, excuse me! We're trying to have a conversation here!

Gavin:I was looking at your skirt professionally.

Gavin:I was focused on your butt and didn't notice anything else.

Gavin:Are you jealous?

Rachel:Oh my God, yes! Please, please, please pay attention to me! Look at me!

Rachel:Well, it was different because... I don't know, it just was!

Rachel:And second of all, he's really, really hot.

Rachel:His last name is... I don't know. Wait, who needs a last name? Moses didn't have a last name. Just Moses. Madonna, just Madonna. Cher, just Cher.

Rachel:Why do you know so much about Tag?

Chandler:I wasn't staring at the nanny!

Ross:Yes, you were!

Chandler:Okay, fine. But in my defense, she does have a great personality.

Ross:I prefer a woman where I have to work to find the attractiveness. You know, like, she's got a great personality, and then one day you look at her and you go, 'Wow, I can see how others might find her attractive.'

Chandler:Oh yeah, that's a great idea. Let's just let Joey win so he feels better about himself.

Chandler:Dude, you gotta stop with the baby talk. Emma's gonna think her name is 'Emmie-Wemmie.'

Ross:What? It's cute!

Chandler:It's cute when she's two. When she's sixteen and filling out college applications, 'Emmie-Wemmie' is gonna be a problem.

Ross:You know, you're like a child. You want what you can't have.

Joey:I am a child!

Ross:You know, Joey, sometimes I look at you and I see Ben. You're both equally mature, you both think with your stomachs, and you both have this inability to think about consequences.

Joey:Hey, what are you saying?

Ross:I'm just saying you're like a child. And the really uncomfortable part? I'm attracted to you.

Ross:You need to focus your sexual energy on someone else.

Chandler:Well, if you insist.

Monica:You know what? I don't care if you like it or not. These appetizers are PERFECT, and if you can't appreciate that, then you can just leave!

Mike:No, I'm not killing Bob. I'm just testing his fitness level.

Phoebe:We could give it to a nice family. Like, maybe they'll take it to Disneyland and it'll meet Mickey Mouse and they'll become best friends and then maybe Disney will make a movie about it called 'From Rags to Riches: The Mighty Rat' and it'll win an Oscar and I'll cry.

Phoebe:Her name is still Bob.

Mike:She's a girl. You want to change it?

Phoebe:No! No, Bob is her name. She's always been Bob to me.

Mike:Maybe it was a different rat?

Chandler:I can't believe I'm watching Dallas at 2 in the afternoon. What have I become?

Chandler:Wait, who shot J.R.? Oh man, I've been unemployed so long I forgot how to keep up with current events. Well, current events from 1980.

Chandler:What's up? What's up? Could that BE any more outdated? Next you'll be asking me if I want to hang ten or catch some gnarly waves, dude.

Ross:I don't trust Joey with the nanny.

Joey:Why not? I'm a professional actor!

Ross:Joey, you showed up to audition for a doctor wearing a stethoscope you bought at a toy store.

Joey:That was method acting!

Ross:You also wore a fake mustache that was clearly drawn on with a marker.

Ross:Yeah, sure, any day now. I'm sure companies are just lining up to hire someone who makes jokes during interviews instead of, you know, answering questions.

Chandler:So what you're saying is, your entire life goal is to sleep with every woman in New York?

Joey:No, that's not—

Chandler:Because that's what I'm hearing. You want a good job? Sleep with the boss. You want to be a better actor? Sleep with your acting coach. You want world peace? Sleep with world peace.

Ross:You know, it's very rare to find an attractive nanny.

Chandler:Yeah, and I immediately pictured a tree.

Joey:I need to organize my thoughts.

Chandler:Thoughts? Plural?

Joey:Okay, my thought.

Joey:She's like... she's like a beautiful princess locked away in a tower. And I'm the knight who's gonna rescue her.

Chandler:The knight who's married.

Joey:Okay, so I'm a knight having an affair. It's still romantic!

Ross:She's the most beautiful woman in the world.

Chandler:Yeah, well, you might want to keep that opinion to yourself when Monica gets here.

Joey:I'm like a character in a Hemingway novel—strong, silent, mysterious.

Chandler:No, you're like a character in a menu—appetizer.

Rachel:Gavin's office.

Gavin:Hi Mom. No, that's just my secretary.

Rachel:Gavin, I've noticed you staring at women. That's inappropriate.

Gavin:I don't know what you're talking about.

Rachel:Yes you do. You're always looking at them like... like you're a donkey and they're carrots.

Rachel:Well, you know what? You're a jerk!

Gavin:Yeah, well I watched you practice that insult for three hours this morning.

Rachel:I'm going to take the high road and be the bigger person here.

Rachel:You know what? I'm not going to say anything mean. I'm just going to say that I hope you find someone who's... well, at your level.

Gavin:I'll come to your party, Rachel. But only because you asked so nicely. After all, you do work for me.

Rachel:Oh my God, I love your sweater! It's so cute!

Monica:Really?

Rachel:No, not at all. It's hideous.

Random Person:Wow, okay then.

Monica:So which do you think - tuna tartare or mushroom empanadas?

Chandler:Well, one's raw fish and the other's a fried pocket of sadness, so...

Monica:He pushed me because he liked me.

Chandler:No, he pushed you because you were in front of him.

Monica:Well, I mean, she's very pretty, and she has a great body, and she's always doing these little things that are very—

Monica:Oh my God, I'm a lesbian!

Rachel:Oh my God, shoes! Finally! I've been waiting all day for these!

Phoebe:Wait, wait, wait. Before you open that... I need to tell you something.

Rachel:What? What is it?

Phoebe:I may have borrowed your shoebox last week to help some babies.

Rachel:Babies? Phoebe, what are you talking about?

Phoebe:Okay, but they're really cute and they need a home, so...

Rachel:Oh my God!

Phoebe:Baby rats!

Monica:RATS?! At my party?!

Monica:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Rachel:I'm not like that as a parent!

Phoebe:Oh honey, you're not a parent. You're like seventeen parents. Seventeen bad ones.

Rachel:You left the party for rats?

Phoebe:They needed me! And you know what? You're lucky. You have a nanny to help you with Emma. Some of us have to choose between our social life and our responsibilities.

Rachel:A nanny that you recommended!

Joey:Acting is a discipline, you know? It requires hard work, dedication, studying the craft...

Molly:Wait, you studied acting?

Joey:Well, no. But I'm saying it requires it.

Joey:Well, yeah, but have you felt this couch? It's not very comfortable.

Joey:I'm serious, Ross. I can love two people at the same time.

Ross:Joey, that's not possible.

Joey:Yes it is! I love you, I love Chandler, I love Phoebe...

Joey:Wait, the nanny has a girlfriend? So she's a lesbian?

Joey:Oh man, that changes everything. Now in my fantasy, it's like... the nanny and her girlfriend are both there, and they're like, 'Joey, we need your help with something,' and I'm like, 'Anything for you ladies.'

Joey:This is even better than I thought.

Mike:They're just doing what comes naturally. When a mommy rat and a daddy rat love each other very much, they... express their feelings in a very special way.

Phoebe:Oh my God! Oh my God! They're doing it! They're doing it right now!

Phoebe:Wait... that's her mother!

Phoebe:Wait, so if two rats have babies, and then those babies have babies, and then those babies have babies...

Phoebe:How many rats do you end up with?

Phoebe:Because, I mean, I can barely do regular math. Exponential? That's like, a whole other thing.

Phoebe:Okay, I'll give the rats to the lab. But I want a memorial for Bob. Something about how he loved cheese.

Monica:A memorial? Phoebe, they're rats.

Phoebe:Not just any rats, Monica. Bob was special. He had refined taste.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I just realized I never told Mike about the triplets!

Phoebe:I mean, I gave birth to my brother's three children and my boyfriend doesn't even know about it.

Rachel:I'll help you clean up.

Monica:Oh, you don't have to do that.

Rachel:No, I want to. It's the least I can do.

Monica:Well, if you insist. Although, honestly, this is kind of my idea of a party.

Rachel:Oh my God, Gavin! You finally made it!

Gavin:Yeah, sorry I'm late. Traffic was crazy. So where is everyone?

Rachel:Well... they left.

Gavin:Left? When?

Rachel:Like three hours ago.

Gavin:Three hours? But the party just started!

Rachel:I know! And apparently that's all it took for everyone to decide to leave. So... happy early birthday to me, I guess?

Rachel:Why did you bring a present?

Gavin:Well, it's a party. People bring presents to parties. And cake. There's usually cake. And music. You know, basic party stuff.

Rachel:Do you have feelings for me?

Gavin:Yeah, I do. But they're negative feelings.

Phoebe:Mr. Whiskers? Mr. Whiskers, baby? Where are you?

Sound Effect:*squeaking sound*