Hunting Trip

Tom:Andy's been giving everyone piggyback rides around the office.

Andy:Giddy up! Giddy up!

Tom:He genuinely thinks it's improving morale.

Andy:Hiyah! Giddyup!

Ron:We're doing a trail survey.

Tom:A trail survey? Ron, the only trail I'm interested in is the one you're leaving behind.

Ron:What are you talking about?

Tom:I'm talking about the trail of lies, buddy. Your pants are on fire and I can see the smoke from here.

Tom:Ron's taking all the guys out for a night on the town.

Tom:Well, not all the guys. I mean, he's not taking me.

Tom:He's taking all the men.

Leslie:Ron, are you listening to turkey calls?

Ron:Yes. I find them soothing.

Tom:Wait, turkey calls? I thought that was the new Kendrick Lamar album.

Ron:My joy is like a deer in the woods. It's skittish and startled. And every time someone tries to approach it, it runs away. But then you just keep following it and following it, and eventually you corner it. And then you club it to death.

Ron:April, I need you to call the permit office and ask about the status of our application.

April:Okay. So you want me to pick up the phone. Then I dial some numbers. Then a person answers. Then I use my mouth to make words come out. Then they use their mouth to make words come out. Then I listen to those words. Then I hang up the phone. Got it. Incredibly complex.

April:Wow. A turkey named after me. That's the dream I've been working toward my entire life.

Ann:I don't hunt. I would never hunt. Why would you do this?

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Jerry:I'm the pants king now!

Tom:Jerry, pull your pants up!

Jerry:No! I am the pants king!

Leslie:Wait, so if I pants someone, I become the Pants Queen?

Tom:That's the rule.

Leslie:Okay, I'm doing this.

Leslie:I am now the Pants Queen of Pawnee!

Leslie:I've prepared extensively for this hunting trip. I've studied the terrain, practiced my marksmanship, and most importantly, I've engineered a state-of-the-art anti-pantsing device.

Leslie:It's a series of titanium clips connected to a motion-sensor alarm system that will alert me to any unauthorized trouser removal attempts.

Ron:Want some chewing tobacco?

Tom:Yeah, why not? I'm full of surprises.

Tom:I swallowed it. I thought that was the point.

Jerry:You swallowed it?

Tom:Yeah, isn't that what you're supposed to do?

Leslie:Chewing tobacco is really bad for you. It causes cancer, heart disease, and gum disease.

Ron:I know.

Tom:A hunter must become one with the forest. We are not separate from nature—we are nature. The deer, the trees, the wind itself—we are all connected in this sacred dance of life and death.

Tom:When you pull that trigger, you're not just taking a life. You're acknowledging the cycle, the eternal return, the—

Ron:Tom, just shoot the damn deer.

Tom:To the great outdoors, to friendship, to the bonds we forge in nature's crucible...

Jerry:Tom, we're going hunting, not joining the Peace Corps.

Leslie:We should do mixed doubles hunting.

Mark:You're too pretty to understand rejection. You wouldn't know what to do if someone said no to you.

April:Hey Andy, can you take over? I need to pee.

Andy:Yeah, sure.

Leslie:Ron, I totally understand. You need to get out there and experience some real man on man on man action.

Ron:That's... not what hunting is.

Tom:You snooze, you lose.

Ron:Tom, that's not how hunting safety works.

Tom:Well, that's what my dad always said.

Ron:Your dad was an idiot.

Leslie:Ron, I've been thinking about how we can bond more. I know what you need - a spa day! We'll get massages, facials, maybe some cucumber water.

Ron:Leslie, no.

Leslie:Or we could go shopping! I found this adorable boutique that just opened up downtown.

Ron:Absolutely not.

Leslie:Well what DO you want to do?

Ron:I want to be left alone with a woodworking project and a scotch.

Leslie:See? This is exactly why you need the spa day.

Andy:I'm on hold, I'm on hold, waiting for someone to pick up the phone. I'm on hold, I'm on hold, and I'm all alone. Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? I'm on hold!

Andy:Mark's probably gonna get eaten by a deer. I'm okay with that.

Leslie:I just want to say, I'm not just some girl who hunts. I'm a woman who hunts. There's a difference. And before you say anything, yes, I know I'm still a woman, but I'm also a hunter, and those two things don't have to be mutually exclusive, which is why I'm going to keep doing this forever, and if anyone has a problem with that, they can talk to my gun. Not literally. I mean, don't talk to my gun. That would be weird.

Ann:So you're telling me you don't like cake?

Tom:I like cake. I just think it's overrated. It's like... it's like a shoe that tastes good.

Ann:That doesn't make any sense.

Tom:Exactly. That's why cake is so confusing. Why would you want to eat a shoe?

Tom:Yo, bird. Yeah, you. You think you're tough? You think you can just fly around my territory? Listen here, feathered friend. I'm about to send you to the shadow realm. You got two seconds to take flight before I turn you into a Christmas dinner. One... two...

Tom:Boom. Headshot.

Jerry:My wife says I splash too much. She makes me sit down to pee at home.

Ron:I've been shot.

Leslie:Ron, you need to just breathe and try to relax. Deep breaths.

Ron:Relaxation is a government conspiracy to make us complacent. I'm going to respond to this injury the only way I know how — with pure, unbridled anger and spite.

Ron:Did you shoot me?

Leslie:What? No! Ron, I would never shoot you. I have never shot anyone. I don't even know how to shoot a gun. I've never even held a gun. The closest I've come to a gun is when I was eight years old and my friend Katie let me hold her dad's BB gun for like two seconds before he yelled at us.

Ron:When I look at my palm, I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is that normal?

Ron:I'm not wasting a perfectly good scotch.

Ann:Ron, you're overdosing!

Ron:I said what I said.

Tom:Ron, on a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

Ron:I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

Tom:Ron shot himself in the head.

Jerry:No, he wouldn't do that. Ron loves his face.

Tom:I'm going out into the wilderness to hunt the most dangerous predators known to man. I will face down bears, mountain lions, and wolves with nothing but my wits and my courage.

Mark:Those are pine trees.

Craig:There's a dangerous predator out there!

Tom:Oh, that's just Jerry. He sells cars at the dealership down the street.

Craig:A car salesman IS a dangerous predator.

Ron:I am a man of mystery and power.

Ron:My woodworking skills are unmatched in this county.

Ron:I have fathered a child... with Leslie Knope.

Ron:This revelation will haunt me forever.

Ron:I need to practice spitting. My mouth is very dry.

Ron:Why would I spit? I have nothing to spit about.

Ron:What am I even doing? I can't think straight. My lips feel like... like they're not my lips.

Leslie:I shot Ron.

Craig:You shot my Mercedes?!

Leslie:What? No, Ron Swanson.

Craig:Oh thank God. I thought you shot my Mercedes.

Leslie Knope:I did it. I shot Ron.

Park Ranger:Well, you know what they say — hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Am I right, fellas?

Park Ranger:A woman with a gun is like a monkey with a machine gun. Cute, but dangerous.

Leslie Knope:I'm actually standing right here.

Park Ranger:That's what I mean — unpredictable.

Leslie:I need to confess something. I have been spending too much time on my appearance. I got a manicure, I bought expensive hand cream, and I've been reading fashion magazines.

Leslie:And that's not all. I've been thinking about shoes. A lot. Different kinds of shoes. For different occasions.

Leslie:I even caught myself wondering if my handbag matched my outfit. My handbag! Who am I?

Leslie:This morning I spent twenty minutes deciding between two shades of lipstick. And I realized... I might be a woman.

Leslie:I can't cook, I can't clean, and I have no idea how a woman's body works. Also, I'm bad at driving, I cry at everything, and I'm not funny. I just realized I've become every negative stereotype about women, and I'm not even doing it on purpose!

April:I could give you a hickey. We're friends.

Andy:What?

April:It's not gay if it's between friends. It's just a hickey.

April:Look, I've dated a gay guy. His boyfriend's boyfriend tried to get with me. It's complicated, but the point is I know how to handle hickeys.

Ron:Oh, you want to hang out? Sure. Why don't you come over to my house, we'll sit in my living room, watch the Super Bowl, and you can shoot me again. We'll make it a tradition.

Ron:If I were ever going to be shot, I would want it to happen in a bathroom. That way, it would look like I slipped and fell.

Ron:The only thing that would make being shot worse is if it happened while I was naked and crying and dialing 911.

Ron:Leslie, I owe you an apology. You were right to protect Tom. He is a valuable member of this department, and I was wrong to underestimate him.

Tom:Wow, Ron, that means a lot coming from you.

Ron:Don't get excited. You're still an idiot. But you're our idiot, and that counts for something.

Leslie:You know what? I think we've both learned something today.

Jerry:We really have. I'm sorry, Leslie.

Leslie:I'm sorry too, Jerry. Friends?

Jerry:Friends.

Leslie:But I'm still gonna pants you.

Jerry:What? No!