Hunting Trip

His new thing... Piggyback rides. Anytime you want. Piggyback! Piggyback! Move! Piggyback. Bam!

Giddyup!

The only trails he's gonna be surveying are trails of lies and deception.

Not all the guys. He's never taken me. Fine, all the men.

Is this not rap?

And just like that, the one tiny aspect of government I enjoyed was clubbed to death before my eyes.

You want me to dial a number, and then read another number out loud? Can you handle this?

Cool.

Gross.

Holy cow. It is good to be back! Sneak attack! Damn it! I'm the pants king! Bow to me.

I'm the pants queen! What the hell! Bow to the pants queen.

When you're out with the boys, you gotta be ready for a good pantsing. That's why I have suspenders that connect my bra to my jeans.

I would not have pegged you as a user of mouth tobacco. I'm full of surprises, Ron.

I swallowed it. You're supposed to swallow it?

That's why they call it chew and not swallow. Am I right, Ron? Yes, you are right.

The only way to defeat the beast is to find the beast within.

Ron, your toast sucked. The traditional toast is 'to the hunt.' And it is said by me.

I always forget because you're so pretty you're not used to rejection.

I've been on hold for an hour. I really have to pee. Can you sit here and just listen?

I know this weekend you were looking forward to a lot of man on man on man action

What the***? What the hell? Give me some warning. I saw a quail. Sorry, man. You snooze, you loose.

Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love.

I am on hold with the State Parks Department I am on hold so suck on my butt

Maybe a deer will eat him. That'd be awesome, but I don't think that will happen, probably.

You surprised that my breasts didn't throw my aim off?

Your favorite cake can't be birthday cake. That's like saying, your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal. I love breakfast cereal.

Look, some kind of bird. Let's kill it. You talkin' to me, bitch?

See, at my house I've got a wife and three beautiful daughters. But this trip, it is the one time of year I get to pee standing up.

I've been shot! Somebody shot me in the head!

Ron, it's not that serious. I just need you to stay calm. I'm just gonna stay angry. I find that relaxes me.

There was a bird kind of near me, and I know you want to prove yourself. No, I swear I didn't. I swear to God, I've never shot anyone.

When I look at my palm, I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is that normal?

Seve... Eight. But I washed 'em down with plenty of fluids. You cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge right now, okay? No, I'm not wasting 20-year scotch.

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?

Maybe Ron shot himself. He has seemed really depressed lately. He was shot in the back of the head. Right, he loves the back of his head. He would never shoot himself there.

Man is the most dangerous game. To the predator. I did smell something out there, and it wasn't human. That was pine trees.

Don't shoot! It's Craig from Reinhold Mercedes! Craig, I got you, dawg! Don't worry, I'm comin'!

That man wasn't my brother. He was my husband! I'm pregnant... With Josh Groban's baby!

What do you mean the squirrel... took the nuts out of the... Out of that kid's backpack... And ate 'em? That is a fact. A fact about me.

I am. I shot Ron Swanson. You shot my Mercedes? What? No. No!

I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision.

I let my emotions get the best of me. I just... I cared too much, I guess. I was thinking with my lady parts. I was walking, and I felt something icky. I thought there was gonna be chocolate. I don't even remember. I'm wearing a new bra, and it closes in the front. So it popped open and it threw me off. All I want to do is have babies.

This would not happen if I had a penis! What? Bitches be crazy. I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid.

You know, if I gave you a hickey, it would totally make Ann jealous. I don't know, I think that would... That's pretty gross. What's weird about one friend sucking on another friend's neck?

I gave my gay boyfriend's boyfriend a hickey, and it totally made my gay boyfriend jealous.

You know, Leslie, the Super Bowl's in a couple months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head.

Or perhaps next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head.

Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's office getting my prostate examined, you could come by and shoot me in the head.

You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I lost my temper. It was because I was shot in the head by a moron.

Pants king. Pants queen.