Toms Divorce

Come on. I don't want to go to the fourth floor. That is the creepiest place on earth.

They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, but they used the wrong kind of oil and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced.

They'll only talk to you or me, and I can't go. Because I don't want to.

Hey, boo, you're pretty. Thank you, sir. Are you on probation? I got clean urine. You need female, I got female.

Amazing. Took a risk, bought some shoes online. Paid off handsomely, as you can see.

Honestly, it's fine. Lasted longer than Avril Lavigne and the guy from Sum 41. Am I right?

I don't know what those are.

You should have auto-saved that. That kind of feels like your fault.

I did a little research, and divorce is the number two most stressful event in a person's life. Of course marriage is number seven. So watch out, everyone. It's all bad.

Tom always seems like Mr. Slickster cool guy, but he's hiding his emotions underneath a very thick layer of axe body spray.

Don't be all like, 'I don't want to. I am a guy, and I like fire and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no, says I.'

That was a really good Ron. Thank you.

The shoeshine stand still doesn't have that syphilis medication you were asking about.

What a surprise running into you all day every day every single place that we are.

we don't have those extra-small condoms you ordered. I called the factory. It's gonna take a special order. Not just because of the size, but because of the weird shape as well.

Every day I subtly chip away at their relationship, weakening it little by little.

Leslie thinks you're a wounded animal, so her female instincts are kicking in. Here's what you do. Act sad. Let her pull the thorn out of your paw and wrap a bandage around it.

Thanks, Rondoleezza Rice.

There's a really fun documentary about tandem bicycles at the art house. Supposed to be pretty unapologetic.

Strip club? Did somebody say strip club? No. Somebody say strip club? You did. I definitely heard someone say strip club. You did.

There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is called Jurassic Fork. I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 years.

How do you want that cooked? Medium roar. Medium rare? No, medium roar.

For legal reasons, we can't make puns about the temperature of the meats.

I'm not a big fan of group dinners where everybody splits the bill no matter what they get. I ordered a tyranno-ceasar salad, and that's all I'm paying for.

No, I figured because pool is all about angles, and he's a failed architect, that he might want to play pool. Really? That worked?

I really wish I could have your body. What? Like, tied up, naked, in your basement?

Well, that was weird, Jerry.

Tom is the only cool person in the office.

I love you, Tom. You're my little prince. Just want to put you in a little cape and a little hat and just fly you around.

Can I get two creme brulees and another glass of 'bronto' grigio?

I thought I had Tom all figured out, but it's almost like he's faking being sad. Why would he do that?

Step two has been completed. Easily. Very easily. Mark is pretty good at pool.

I like pretending to be sad. I now see why girls do it.

Looking at her, I... I feel like... She might be the perfect spooning size for me.

Mark is way better than me. I'm gonna... I'm gonna say that there is at least... a chance... that I didn't think this through completely.

A t-shirt I tackled Eddie Vedder in. It's literally priceless.

So if I win, I also get Ann. Okay, fine. If you win, then you get Ann.

A cheese fountain? A ruby? A goose heart?

You're a club promoter? Aspiring.

Like blood from a pterodactyl after it's attacked by a T-Rex.

I can't go back there. But if you see Jasmine, tell her she can keep Anthony, but I want my microwave back.

I've gone on record that if I had to have a stripper's name, it would be Equality.

I kind of feel like Jane Goodall studying the chimps. 'Cause there are some feminist scholars who say that stripping is a feminist act.

There is a girl here that also works at Quiznos. She's really nice to me here but really mean to me at Quiznos.

I'm gonna put these in places you've never heard of.

Smells like a wet mop in here. And I get the feeling that these women is running a low-grade fever.

Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt of the earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field, your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopes.

You're doing a bang-up job of looking sad about Wendy. Does she make scrambled eggs?

Take it down a notch. You already won your Oscar, DiCaprio.

I'm awesome at pool, and I hustled your ass.

I know that legally Ann is now mine, but, it weirdly doesn't feel that way.

This is Seabiscuit. Sierra. Sorry, it's loud in here.

And then afterwards, reconsider your profession, but for now, grind away.

Never mind. Thank you, Seabiscuit. That'll be all.

I've been to the Glitter Factory a million times. That girl up there, she's my emergency contact.

It's exactly how I felt when that planet earth series ended.

I wish I wasn't alive to hear myself say this, but I am ashamed to be your deputy.

From the knees. He weighs eight pounds.

You insensitive little hussy.

You should get married and start a club for people who betray Tom Haverford.

You know those hangover pills you can order on TV? I threw up a bunch of them this morning and feel much better.

My God, because you're Libyan. No, damn it. Wendy's from Canada.

You remembered how much I like to say 'psych'.

Goodbye, A-cakes.

You like your wife? That's a bummer. Anyone knows that you like your wife? Your wife knows that you like your wife?

My crotch looks like a disco ball.