Christmas Scandal

Prepare to laugh your Asnov!

Some of the jokes are sort of inside.

I don't want to go into the details, but let me just say that it involves multiple women, a love child, nurses, rabbis, priests...

I am being supported, of course, by the Glitter Factory and 1-800-Mattress.

Classic!

But at least the raccoon infestation is under control

before you get in your costume, to go to the bathroom, so we can avoid what happened last year. It was just farts.

Listening to that tree lighting is gonna be dope.

And often. Thank you, I'll be here all week!

Brokeback Mountain DVD. No. Fellows love that. No. Does he already have, like, chaps? Like assless chaps?

It's all I'm gonna think about, but you're in good hands. I'm gonna come up with something really, really good.

Nobody. Nobody told me nothing!

I got the babysitter pregnant, then when she was in the delivery room, I had sex with not one, but four nurses in a supply closet, as well as a woman whose husband was getting a liver transplant.

Was it the liver lady?

everything I just told you was just a funny prank.

Leslie Norp

bent an elbow at this local watering hole

Do you want me to seduce Perd Hapley? How would that help? I don't know. I just want to see if I can do it.

I don't think it's something worth losing your virginity over.

'The Parks lady boned Dexhart,' and, 'Of course she did, she's totally good to go.' And one guy was like, 'I wouldn't hit that.' And the other guy was like, 'Me neither.' And then this third guy was like, 'I would.'

Except I always assumed that I would be the politician and the man would be accused of sleeping with me. And that man would be the vice president, and I would be the president.

Some people are saying this isn't the first time that you've had sex with a married councilman. Who's saying that? Some people.

This department is not gonna deputy-direct itself.

Damn, 10 items

Use your nightstick.

Kill me.

So, yeah, I guess I'm in love with the Army. Oh, Leslie? Well, yeah. Yeah, that makes a lot more sense. Yeah, I'm definitely in love with Leslie.

They can buy their own beer.

That's what's called being an amazing boyfriend.

Yeah, bitch, give me more of them blood diamonds! Make them extra bloody.

It's like she's sending him a message that she's ready for childbearing.

he just was going, literally, to watch the Olympics.

You're like a glass of whole milk. What are you, Lutheran? I love Lutherans.

I'm expected at two different maternity wards.

People already think we did it. You've got nothing to lose. I'm very good.

First idea, spray tan gift certificates. Ugh. No. Trip to Germany?

Indianapolis Colts' Reggie Wayne jersey, number 87, double XL, home blue, signed by Reggie Wayne right after he catches a touchdown to win the Super Bowl.

any time you see two women standing very close to each other... you immediately assume... lesbian.

Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7.

They'll hunt the kids for sport.

supervise the maintenance crews, and teach crafts at the senior center. Simultaneously.

Oh, no. She's not my... And in five, Joan. She's a... We're... Four. Three. You've got it wrong.

you were flashing some serious 'do me' eyes. That's just my opinion.

My name is Ron. You don't need to know my last name.

I found a sandwich in one of your parks, and I want to know why it didn't have mayonnaise.

I'm not worried about swine flu. I already have the swine flu. I'm worried about the turtle flu.

Honey, let's just keep our private life in the bedroom where it belongs.

She has a mole on her right buttock. What? That is a total lie. You've never seen my butt.

Fine. Here, Joan. Why don't you look for yourself?

This exclusive story, there is no mole on Miss Knope!

I really didn't think that Miss Knope would pull down her pants on TV, but since she did, I will admit that the rumors of our affair are indeed false.

Like I'm on a Stairmaster, except more, like, in a sexual... Context.

There's a $75 change fee, but I could pay you that, or I could reimburse you. There's a lot of ways we could handle that.

That took guts, mooning Joan Callamezzo!

You think Winston Churchill ever had to pull his pants down and show his butt? No. But would he have? Yes. Now, could he have? Well, maybe not towards the end of his life, but he would have. Because he loved his job.

Reggie Wayne! Dude! You remembered me complaining about my computer bag!

You don't have to come to this game with me. You don't have to.