The Pawnee Eagleton Tip Off Classic

That's the sexiest thing you've ever said to me.

Look. Am I proud of it? Yes. Because Eagleton sucks. But is it the classiest move? Yes, because Eagleton sucks. Would I do it again? Yes, because Eagleton sucks.

She thinks she's so great because she won the Miss Indiana Beauty Pageant. Last year. While she was in office. And pregnant.

Oh, no, these are pesticide-free. I ate one of these for breakfast this morning, and I found a worm in it. So, I bet somebody feels pretty stupid right now.

These are made of Swarovski crystal, and they're worth $700,000.

But when you tell 'em it's time to change their oil, they ask, 'Extra virgin or white truffle?'

Unless, of course, you're an Eagletonian, and then you'll be too busy polishing your monocle at the caviar store.

Knope out.

Ebony was due to a clerical error, but it ended up being an interesting year of reading.

I need my mitts on those mitts.

According to her Twitter feed, she got coffee five minutes ago. Wait, now she's Ustreaming her walk back. She should be here in three, two, one.

Hey, Dr. Buttons-- I mean, my old calculator. It doesn't have a name.

Butch Count-sidy and the Sum-dance Kid, together again.

Auditing bros! Yeah, and auditing sistah. Let's do this.

If you make your omelet out of Faberge eggs, you just might... Be an Eagletonian.

I would get one in Pawnee, but fun fact-- our only baby store is attached to a chemical refinery.

Damn it. You look beautiful.

We don't really like to talk about money. We find a little gauche.

This is a budget meeting.

Are you tipping me? Is that 100...Euros?

Grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid-- / No grid, no grid, no grid, no grid.

Yeah, an empty Sprite can, an old man's fingernail in my pocket, and a picture of Patrick Ewing on a roller coaster. I'm all set.

I'm April Ludgate Kevorkian.

What if I'm a murderer?

Their debt-to-equity ratio is ridonkulous.

What a hilarious word. It reminds me of a ridiculous donkey.

Now that is the sexiest thing you've ever said to me.

Do you like apples? / How about them apples?

Passing the buck-- the last refuge of the cowardly and black-hearted.

These are the first bibs I've ever seen without Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s face on them.

We came from our bankruptcy brunch. And Michael Buble played, but he ran a little long.

Was a bankruptcy brunch the best idea? / Sure, let's not have brunch... like animals.

You filled the public pools with bottled water? / Total body hydration.

We purchased HBO for the whole town. / It's not TV.

51 eggs in 20 minutes. Couldn't cook 'em fast enough. The last ten were still in the shell.

That's too much information.

Hello again. As you remember, I'm April, and this is Ann, my 65-year-old grandmother. / Mee-maw, God, no one uses the word hip anymore.

Sometimes I wish you went down on the Titanic with all your sorority sisters.

'You blew it. Super hard. Complete buffoonery. It's hilarious.' And 'You deserve it.'

Whatever, blondie. Your butler made your bed, now you gotta lie in it.

You don't kick a dressage horse after a failed pas de deux.

Oh, I've been taking pictures of you all day for my new Facebook album: 'Ronswan: Gettin' off the grid.'

Oh, my God. They have Michael Buble on retainer.

You just vined your first selfie, Ron. And I'm vining you vine your selfie.

The world is a nightmare.

Youngsters? Am I 65 years old?

Why do people keep assuming I'm ready to catch things?

'Eagleton: No money, mo' problems.' Fantastic, right?

I have a PhD from the Sorbonne. For what? Wearing Chanel suits? There was a fashion component, yes.

What, Ann? I just stole your phone and texted every guy in it that the baby was theirs. It's not that big of a deal.

And I've met Guy Fieri, Ann. So gross!

There's no way he is in high school. And I'm better at French horn too, Eric.

The address is wherever it is parked.

I love you, but your solution to every problem is to live inside a mountain.

I hate their stupid beautiful faces and their stupid shiny hair.

No one bailed me out when I got arrested for arson.

What's next-- merging a man with his dog?

They're a little-- oh, what's the word? Have-no-money.

They're a town of angels-- greasy, denim-clad angels, but angels nonetheless.

It looks like the original phone from the movie Wall Street. / I think it's just the original phone, period. / Ew, gross, it has 'buttons.'

Yeah, I can't be seen with you.

A cell phone belt clip? No, Ron. Oh, my God!

No. Dude, I'm, like, three months pregnant. I-I know. I'm just so excited. The thing I'm having is a gut feeling.

All of Pawnee's apples have been recalled-- g. Coli. / You mean e. Coli? / I wish. Way easy to treat.