Doppelgängers

women and minorities can vote, we have indoor toilets, and we no longer burn widows for learning arithmetic

It is horse-dancing, madam.

All you horse dancing people, sit in your saddles if you will.

Not surprised, I'm one of a kind, just like the custom Nikes I designed that say 'Tommy's Tootsies' across the toes.

- Hey, everybody. - No! No, why? This can't be happening. Why, Leslie?

Welcome back, Jerry Gergic.

It's Jerry. No, it's Gary. Your name is Larry, Larry Gengurch. His name is Larry Gengurch.

Come on, April, it's already hard enough for my family when you call me 'Gary.'

Ron is basically a better version of George Washington.

Like a majestic alley-oop. You're all amazing! You're all fired. Teamwork.

I said, 'Gayle, put that bikini away, because Pawnee needs me.'

Oh ho! Somebody forgot a banana in here--ooh!

Oh, that is the perfect name for you. I love it. Never change it! Wasn't gonna.

I want to be a Spanish man named Terrence, but that didn't happen.

I carried the Eagleton department on my shoulders for years, and I loved every second of it. You don't even know!

No, it's Tynnyffer with two y's. I used to be Jennifer, but then I decided to rebrand myself.

Oh, wait, hang on. It's Xanax o'clock.

My name's April, and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks.

She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world with her.

Is that your name, or are you telling me you're finished talking? Both. Dunne and done.

I guess that explains the shoulder pads.

How did he notice these?

Pawnee has the very first documented case of mega-diabetes. And the only know occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease.

With your tiny little doll feet.

Oh, my God, look at that. It's waffles! - Delicious waffles.

Joe Biden on a horse shirtless. That's amazing!

who wants to stay in the greatest town in the world with her best friend and be happy forever when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe and move to a garbage city full of jerks

We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah blah blah! Like, talking, like, so much forever.

This is, like, the best day ever. I know, I'm eating it all up.

instead of wiling away like a dying turd flower

Ew, no. I've had so much rejuvenation that I don't think a baby could get out of there if it tried.

Oh, I have a medical condition all right. It's called caring too much! And it's incurable! Also I have eczema.

I'm a yoga nut. And I'm a nut nut. They make delicious milks, man.

You only eat vegetables that have been thrown out in people's dumpsters.

My trusty sandals. I believe a man's feet should remain uncaged. Same goes for all chickens.

I don't want to put this on your plate. You have a lot to deal with.

I've got the condo in Seattle, the fiance in Denver. - Huh? - It won't last.

He had, and I quote, 'no comment.'

I'm just trying to stop time with legally-binding friendship contracts.

I made unity cookies with the Pawnee town's original colors of blue and yellow. However, I did not have yellow frosting, so I had to use mustard.

Mmm! Sugar mustard.

You're not 'Ann' pretty, but you have potential.

I'm halfway through designing a bamboo gazebo as a tribute to the founders of motown.

Best friends, attack Ron!

You are so amazing right now. You're like skinny Mother Theresa.

It's Dwayne Wade's house. I got his address off the Internet. I really hope he's there when she walks in and he throws a basketball at her head.

Those who cross the czar feel the wrath of the czar!

geography will never change your feelings

I once thought I had a friend. Then it turned out he was the single worst person I have ever met.

Giving in to hate is like drinking saltwater. The thirst only grows worse.

After I defeated him in an epic struggle, E.R.I.C. is gone.

my DVR is 13 months pregnant with episodes of Scandal

we were always just beat at the end of the day. I actually think it's something else.

A cherry tomato. Nope. A gumball.