The One In Barbados (2)

Ross:I got passes to the paleontology conference for everyone!

Chandler:Is there any way you could get me passes to NOT go?

Phoebe:Well, maybe he's just really into learning. Some people find that more fulfilling than lying on a beach.

Phoebe:Or maybe he has a condition where he can't be in the sun for more than twenty minutes without his skin turning into a reptile.

Phoebe:I had a friend like that once. Poor guy.

Chandler:Joey, you realize the blanket's not gonna cover both of you, right? I mean, unless you're planning to sit on her lap the whole flight.

Joey:Look at all these paleontologists. They're gonna look pale and unhealthy in swimwear.

Joey:This happens all the time.

Ross:No, it doesn't. I'm a paleontologist. Nobody recognizes me.

Ross:I dig that you appreciate paleontology.

Joey:It's called 'The Days of Our Lives'

Ross:Joey, that's not the name of your show. That's a real soap opera that's been on for decades.

Joey:So?

Ross:So you can't name your show that! It's already taken!

Joey:How do you arrange your furniture?

Chandler:So... the plane stays up because...?

David:It's a complex interplay of aerodynamic principles, thrust vectors, and Bernoulli's equation creating differential pressure across the wing surfaces.

Chandler:Right, right. So... big metal bird go up?

Phoebe:Yeah, Mike and I used to do that all the time.

David:Who's Mike?

Phoebe:My ex-boyfriend.

David:Oh, I don't think we've met.

Phoebe:I'm talking about a different Mike. Mike... Tyson. I was just remembering when he bit that guy's ear off.

Monica:Phoebe, that was like five years ago.

Phoebe:Exactly! Ancient history!

Monica:What? I do not call you Richard all the time!

Chandler:Monica, you just called me Richard twice this morning.

Monica:Well, that's because you were being Richard-like.

Chandler:I was making breakfast!

Phoebe:Oh, you mean Chandler? I thought you said Richard!

Monica:Yeah, well, join the club. I spent eight years married to one and dating the other. At least you only have to remember one name.

Phoebe:Oh, so you're over Richard!

Monica:Yes, completely.

Phoebe:That's great! So, uh, when are you gonna tell Richard?

Monica:Phoebe, I just said I'm over him.

Phoebe:I know, I know. So when are you gonna tell him that you're over him?

Chandler:If you need advice on how to pick up women, ask Joey. If you need advice on how to keep a woman, ask Monica. If you need advice on how to understand a woman, ask Phoebe.

Chandler:But if you need advice on how to eat an entire pizza in one sitting while watching TV in your underwear, Joey's your guy.

David:Why did Phoebe and Mike break up?

Chandler:Oh, Mike wanted kids, but Phoebe didn't. Also, he was a sentient eggplant from the future who was stealing her memories to power his time machine.

Chandler:I know, I know. I'm like a human defense mechanism. You say something serious, I say something inappropriate. It's my superpower. Well, that and the ability to make Monica question her life choices.

David:And then I'd propose to her, and we'd get married, and I'd make sure Mike wasn't invited to the wedding.

Chandler:Look, I appreciate you coming to me, but I really can't help you with this. I'm not exactly an expert on proposals.

Chandler:I mean, the last time I tried to plan something romantic, Monica ended up planning the whole thing anyway.

Charlie:Well, that's your fault for not being specific.

Joey:Wait, Britney Spears is at a paleontology conference?

Charlie:Yeah, she's really into fossils now.

Ross:What should I say to him?

Joey:Just ask him why he's not a pop star.

Charlie:You got yourself a very weird deal.

Joey:I'm going to the beach!

Joey:Rain? I don't care about rain.

Joey:I'm going to sit in my car and look at women in bikinis through the windshield.

Monica:Oh my God, what is it? What happened?

Chandler:What do you mean? Nothing happened.

Monica:Chandler, you're doing the thing.

Chandler:What thing?

Monica:The thing where you stand like that and your eyes get all wide and you do that weird smile thing with your mouth.

Chandler:I don't do a thing.

Monica:You're doing it right now! You look like you have to pee!

Chandler:I did both.

Joey:Everything's backwards in Barbados! The sun rises in the west, people walk on their hands, babies are born as adults and grow younger until they disappear!

Joey:And have you seen Monica's hair? It's huge! It's like she stuck her finger in an electrical socket.

Monica:That's the humidity!

Joey:Yeah, well maybe you should try not living in a swamp.

Monica:My hair gets bigger in humidity.

Monica:Look at my honeymoon photos — I look like Cher!

Rachel:No.

Phoebe:No.

Phoebe:I was thinking about Chandler.

Joey:Chandler?!

Phoebe:Yeah, he's really growing on me.

David:Yeah, so I got her this ring. It's a half-carat diamond, VS2 clarity, but honestly the color grading is pretty rough—I'd say around an L or M on the diamond color scale. The setting's white gold-plated, so it'll probably start flaking off in like six months. And the stone itself has this visible inclusion right here if you look at it under normal light. I got it on clearance at Zales.

Monica:Phoebe, can we talk privately for a second?

Phoebe:Oh, sure! Hey, nice hair. Very Diana Ross.

Phoebe:I basically forced him to marry me against his will. So romantic!

Phoebe:Oh my God, Mike, I'm so happy we're getting married!

David:Phoebe, my name is David.

Phoebe:I know, Mike. Now come on, Mike, we have so much to plan!

Monica:Phoebe, his name is David, not Mike.

Phoebe:Oh, Monica, don't worry. With that hair, you look like Pat from Saturday Night Live anyway!

Joey:Where are they? Where are the chocolates? They're supposed to be on the pillow!

Chandler:Joe, you ate them yesterday.

Joey:Well, maybe the maid put new ones on there.

Monica:We don't have a maid, Joey.

Joey:Then what am I paying you for?

Joey:Pictures of naked chicks.

Joey:So I get this email, right? And the subject line says 'You have won a free trip to Hawaii!'

Joey:So I click on it.

Chandler:Joey, that's spam.

Joey:I know that NOW, Chandler!

Charlie:You know what? I'm not interested in those photos. Anna Kournikova is an incredible athlete. Let's talk about her tennis achievements instead.

Joey:I tried to look up some of her stuff on the internet.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You look like Monica when she's mad!

Joey:Hey, you wanna hear my audition speech? I've been working on it.

Ross:Sure, go ahead.

Joey:Greetings. I am Zarnon from the planet Zybar. I have come to your world to study your Earth customs and to prepare for our invasion.

Ross:Joey, that's a sci-fi monologue.

Joey:Yeah, so?

Ross:So you're supposed to do a dramatic piece, not something about aliens invading Earth.

Ross:So when we study fossils, we're looking at preserved remains that can tell us about extinct species and their evolution over millions of years.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me that dinosaurs are like... gone forever?

Ross:Yes, Joey. They went extinct about 66 million years ago.

Joey:That's so sad, man. It's like when they destroyed Alderaan in Star Wars.

Monica:Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Hold on, my hair is in the way of the phone.

Monica:Hi Mike, it's Monica. I'm calling about Phoebe. She's in kind of a crisis situation... But first, quick question - what do you use in your hair? It's looking really full today.

Monica:I hope you're happy.

Chandler:I am, thanks for asking!

Monica:You're meddling again!

Chandler:I'm not meddling, you're meddling!

Monica:I am not meddling!

Chandler:Well someone's meddling, and it's not me!

Chandler:Could we BE any more complicated? We're like a soap opera! No wait, we're like a romantic comedy that nobody asked for. Actually, you know what? We're like people who can't just enjoy a vacation without turning it into relationship drama.

Joey:How you doin'?

Woman:Hi.

Joey:This is it. This is my moment. This is as good as it gets for me.

Joey:This is my only sexual contact.

Woman:Well, let me make it more thorough.

Ross:Thanks everyone for recreating my speech.

Charlie:Yeah, well you barely contributed anything.

Charlie:You didn't help much.

Ross:Well, I once identified a previously unknown species of trilobite!

Rachel:We could just fill the bottle back up with water.

Ross:Water? Rachel, that's—that's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? Oh wait, because it's insane!

Charlie:Hey! High-five!

Ross:I mean, what kind of note would that even be? 'Dear friend, if you're reading this, you've made a terrible mistake. Please stop immediately.'

Ross:I never suggested a threesome after the divorce.

Charlie:No, you didn't.

Joey:No! No way! I am not going home with some old lady!

Rachel:I'm not blushing!

Rachel:It's just a sunburn.

Rachel:From the rainy weather.

Chandler:You know, it's very hard to take you seriously when you look like that.

Monica:David... why... do... you... talk... like... this?

David:I... like... to... think... between... words.

Monica:Well... I... like... to... think... you... could... maybe... talk... a... little... faster... because... I'm... going... to... be... very... old... by... the... time... you... finish... that... sentence!

Phoebe:Oh my God, Mike!

Mike:Actually, it's David.

Mike:Will you marry me?

Monica:It's not that big!

David:Well, that's fair, you've had a long trip.

David:Well, that's going to make my proposal a little awkward.

David:I'm going to fight you, Mike... unless it rains.

David:I have an engagement ring.

Mike:That's nice, but that diamond is tiny. It's not impressive at all.

David:Yes! She said no!

David:So that's what happened to me in Minsk.

David:And that's why I'm never going back to Minsk.

Monica:You're welcome! I'm so glad we got you two back together.

Phoebe:Monica, you didn't do anything.

Monica:I know, but I'm taking credit anyway.

Chandler:Yeah, I'm excited too, but let's be careful. The last time I looked directly at something this bright, I went blind for three days. Monica, your hair was really shiny that day.

Monica:Oh my God, look at her! She has sun damage!

Monica:I would kill for skin like that.

Ross:We've discovered three new dinosaur species this year alone.

Joey:Oh yeah? Well I just discovered one too. The Brrrr-achiosaurus.

Joey:Hehehehe, 'Homo erectus.'

Ross:Oh come on!

Fan:Oh my God, I'm such a huge fan!

Fan:This is the best day of my life!

Ross:Okay, that's... that's great, thank you.

Ross:You can let go of my hand now.

Ross:Seriously, you've been shaking it for like two minutes.

Charlie:I'm like your groupie!

Ross:Well, groupies usually sleep with the band.

Charlie:I know.

Ross:Wow, that came out wrong.

Monica:I mean, paleontologists are so boring and out of shape. They spend all day looking at old bones instead of taking care of themselves.

Ross:Monica...

Monica:Not you! You know, the other paleontologists. The unattractive ones.

Chandler:Monica's competitiveness is cute.

Chandler:Okay, I was lying. It's actually terrifying.

Chandler:What happened in our last ping pong game?

Monica:Well, I may have gotten a little competitive.

Monica:I hit you with the paddle.

Monica:Then I threw the ball at your head.

Monica:And then I chased you around the table screaming.

Joey:I want to go snorkeling with a sea turtle.

Joey:But I'm afraid... what if the turtle's like, 'Hey, where have you been?' You know? Like we have some kind of history.

Monica:Oh yeah, that sounds great. We'll all just hit the ball back and forth and pretend like nobody's winning. And then at the end, we'll all get a participation trophy and cry about our feelings.

Phoebe:Monica's so competitive, she once threw her back out playing Scrabble.

Chandler:Wait, you're competitive at ping pong too?

Mike:Oh yeah, I take it very seriously.

Chandler:Oh my God. We're going to have the most aggressive, angry ping pong match ever played.

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Can we please keep the insults gender-neutral? I don't appreciate being lumped in with these girls.

Monica:Beautiful weather everywhere else?! What about here?! We live here!

Joey:Smart people are dull.

Ross:Hey, I'm smart.

Rachel:I'm just curious, you know? Like Schrödinger's cat, except the cat is me and the box is my feelings.

Rachel:Oh my God, I love Curious George! He's so cute with his little yellow hat.

Monica:What? I'm not disheveled!

Chandler:No, no, you look great. It's just... I usually feel like the attractive one in this relationship.

Mike:Your hair looks like a dog.

Monica:Oh, so you're making fun of how I look? That's rich coming from someone who's been single for three years!

Mike:How did it feel losing to a girl?

Monica:How did it feel waking up looking like that?

Chandler:I could be living in a box under a bridge right now, and I'd be happier than I am at this ping pong table.

Chandler:Actually, that doesn't sound so bad. No pressure, no expectations, just me and my box.

Mike:Chump? That's the best you got? I've been called worse by my mother, and she actually loves me. You're gonna have to do better than that if you want to hurt my feelings. I'm made of stronger stuff than that, Monica. Bring it on!

Mike:Okay, that was terrible. I sounded like I was auditioning for a bad action movie.

Charlie:Well, get out!

Charlie:Did you hear that laughing during your speech?

Ross:Yeah, that was Joey.

Charlie:Your friend Joey?

Ross:Unfortunately.

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Charlie:We're throwing you in the pool!

Ross:No, no, no! My glasses! My wallet!

Ross:Run!

Chandler:Look, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure your arm isn't supposed to bend that way.

Chandler:And yesterday, I'm almost certain you had two eyes.

Chandler:Plus, you've started making that noise. What is that noise?

Chandler:I have to accept you in sickness and in health.

Monica:Well, competitiveness is a sickness, so you're going to have to accept that.

Monica:Wait, you're good at ping pong? That's MY thing!

Chandler:Since when is ping pong your thing?

Monica:Since forever! I'm competitive at everything in this apartment!

Monica:Chandler, I want you to know that I will always be here for you, no matter what. You can count on me to support you through anything.

Monica:But let's be honest, you're a disaster and you need all the help you can get.

Monica:Wow, they're really going at it! This is like watching Chandler and me on our wedding night!

Monica:How is Chandler suddenly so good at ping pong?

Monica:Oh my God, we could enter doubles tournaments!

Chandler:Yeah, that's why I've been hiding the fact that I'm actually really good at tennis.

Ross:Yes, well, we prefer the term 'paleontologically challenged.'