Ann And Chris

What do you mean, you can't? Look... I am throwing a farewell party for my best friend, Ann Perkins. And if she casually mentioned 3 years ago that she thought indoor fireworks would be cool then guess what, you're gonna give me indoor fireworks.

That promise launched a friendship so grand it takes 103 scrapbooks to capture it.

Damn, that's really good. Right? There's gonna be a lot of these at the party. You should come by. I kno-- I get it. I know what you're doing. And I still--is there a little crunch in there? Hazelnut. Ooh. Ooh, right? See you tonight.

April: Ann's leaving town and saying painful good-byes to loved ones. Greatest day of my life!

This one has plates' name on it.

Fun pun alert.

I would have preferred a regular hamburger for eating, but this is very nice.

2008 Indiana state audit spreadsheets? Man, that year was insane! That was the year you went from being an auditor to a legend.

A picture of me officiating Leslie and Ben's wedding. And look, you can just about see my head.

I did have to go to a very seedy location to find it, but now I know where to go to place a bet on horse fighting.

Tell Ann about the groundbreaking, frame Ann for murder, release a deadly virus into the water supply.

Why is there a New Year's Eve countdown clock and the Easter bunny? I don't know when we're gonna be able to visit each other, so just to be safe this party is a celebration of every event that's gonna happen this year.

Ain't no party like a Leslie Knope party 'cause a Leslie Knope party is actually 30 parties.

This is just a bunch of bras and knives. And loose onions.

We have been on the prowl for some amazing pots. Well, that card's for three pans.

Carob cookies and berries are literally my favorite dessert alternative.

I also shook his hand. Twice. Anything more than that would be excessive.

I say we start with the three 'C's,' cashmere, concert tickets, caboodles of cash. I feel like those are perfect gifts for you. Those are perfect gifts for anyone.

There's also a sign that says 'Especially Leslie Knope.' Well, Leslie Knope is a very common name. There's a professor in Copenhagen named Leslie Knope. They probably mean him.

Holy mother of Malia! And Sasha. I love them both equally.

Leslie can't watch anything with Julie Andrews in it before bedtime because it gets her too hyper.

If Chris gets cranky around noon, just stuff some chia seeds into a fig--works every time.

I told him that One Headlight By the Wallflowers isn't 'dancing' music and he said 'Not with that attitude.'

Dude, Ann, you know what I just remembered? We used to date. Yeah, we lived together for two years. I know, it's crazy, right? Anyways, you're the best. Have fun in Mexico.

I'm deleting you from my phone. You're finally free of my animal magnetism. Maybe one day years from now when we're both old and Chris is dead, you'll run into me somewhere. I'll be opening my latest mega club. I'll see you there on the street by yourself and I'll tell the bouncer/my bodyguard, 'Hey, that woman's way too old to get into this club, but why don't you let her in the back?'

Good-bye, Ann. I have enjoyed parts of our time together.

This is my contribution. It says 'Ron.'

Dark forces, arise! Okay, I didn't plan what we were all gonna say. That's my bad.

Nothing gross. Okay, yeah, there is something I want. Super fizzy fruity pop.

Kathryn Pinewood is the person on earth who hates me the most. Well, luckily, you're with the person on earth who loves you the most. Too cheesy? No, it's perfect.

April-- Yeah, you saw a lot of potential in me, I'm like a daughter to you, and it was a treat to watch me blossom. Blah blah blah, bye. That is remarkably close to what I was going to say. Also, I'm proud of you.

Donna, are you grabbing my butt? Can you blame me? No!

I don't have time for disgraced former politicians and unmarried preggos.

What the hell? Yeah, Pinewood, that's right. I'm pregnant and I have you in a headlock. And if you try to fight back, I will sue you.

When is this town gonna realize that I'm more than a former high school basketball star? I don't think this new sports drink is even about basketball. It's called 'Sweetums dunktastic three-point B-ball blast' the slogan is 'It's all about basketball.'

There is such a thing as journalistic integrity, and it is something that I have as a journalist with integrity. Well, the story of that appeal is it was heartfelt. And in response to that appeal, I respond: Okay.

For old time's sake? Does that mea--no! Ann, you tricky minx. Yep. I went on a date with Perd. What? It was during that 'explore my freedom as a single woman' phase.

And at the end he said, 'I am going to kiss you now by putting my mouth on your mouth.' And then I ran away.

We tell him we had the perfect gift, but we were robbed at gunpoint. 'Chris, he had a gun. He took all the gifts.' Now Chris feels bad, he's buying us gifts. Next thing you know, Tommy's got a new watch.

Ask not what your country can do for you. From Family Guy, right?

And just the fact that you feel bad about your bag of nothing proves that.

You two are a couple of real pains in the ass. You know that? Harold, your tiny brain could not understand this, but that is the best compliment you could ever give the two women standing in front of you.

Harold, your tiny brain could not understand this, but that is the best compliment you could ever give the two women standing in front of you.

It's for the raccoons. You have to hiss really loud and stomp your feet so they'll leave you alone. And if one comes close, make yourself really large like a puffer fish.

Well, Michigan has wolverines. Maybe they'll eat your toes.

I made Andy promise that someday we'll move to Transylvania, but that probably won't happen till we're, like, 100.

You have to hiss really loud and stomp your feet so they'll leave you alone. And if one comes close, make yourself really large like a puffer fish.

My going-away present to you will be that I do not make you audibly say that you love me. Thank you.

I call it my 'beat the sun' run. It's a race between me and the sun.

It's quarter-sawn zebra wood adjoined by floating tenons to the black walnut corner posts. Finished with a wiping varnish that's a secret Swanson family recipe.

That's Garry Jerry Larry Gergich Gengurch. I burned in all my names. I really--I didn't know what to do.

That's Garry Jerry Larry Gergich Gengurch. I burned in all my names. I really--I didn't know what to do.

This tear, caused by the overwhelming thoughtfulness of my friends will be my baby's first memory. Salt water will warp the wood. So keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.

But most importantly, you taught me that I can't pull off a tulip skirt. It's just not your shape.

All right, I got my park. That's all I wanted from you. Friendship over. Don't even joke about that, Ann.

There's a lot of Sarah McLanahan, so, Chris, I apologize. Things are gonna get emotional.

Shotgun! I called shotgun! You're all nailed. I call sitting on your lap. You can't--I--double shotgun! We call double shotgun! How come people don't do that more often? It's illegal.

There has never been a sadness that can't be cured by breakfast food.