Ann And Chris

Leslie:Remember three years ago when little Tommy mentioned he liked dinosaurs? Well, I've arranged for a paleontologist to give a lecture, hired an actual animatronic T-Rex, and I'm having the caterer prepare all food in the shape of Mesozoic era creatures.

Ben:Leslie... he was just making conversation.

Leslie:A comment is a promise, Ben. A promise I intend to keep.

Leslie:I have 103 scrapbooks documenting our friendship.

Leslie:Come on, Harold, just one little office party. It'll be fun!

Harold:No, Leslie. I appreciate it, but I need to maintain professional boundaries.

Leslie:Even if there's an ice cream sandwich?

Harold:I... well... what kind of ice cream sandwich?

Leslie:Homemade. Vanilla bean ice cream between two fresh chocolate chip cookies.

Harold:Are the cookies organic?

April:I'm genuinely excited Ann is leaving. I mean, I'm gonna miss her and all, but mostly I'm excited.

Tom:Wait, what's in your box, Jerry?

Jerry:It just says 'plates' on it.

Ben:Plates? That's it?

Jerry:Yeah, just... plates.

Leslie:I just made a pun and I'm very proud of it.

Ron:A bronzed hamburger? I appreciate the gesture, but I would prefer an edible one.

Leslie:Oh my God! Oh my God! These are the Pawnee Parks Department audit spreadsheets from 1987 to 1993! Do you know how hard these are to find? These are like the holy grail of municipal documentation!

Leslie:Look at the formula work in column G. That's... that's beautiful. This is what I'm talking about. This is legendary bureaucratic work right here.

Leslie:I learned about it from this guy I met at an illegal horse fighting gambling ring.

Leslie:Tom, I need you to not mention to Ann that we're throwing her a surprise party.

Tom:Got it. Don't mention the surprise party to Ann.

Leslie:Right. What else should you not mention?

Tom:Don't tell her about the ice sculpture shaped like a gazebo, the mariachi band, or that we've hired a skywriter to write 'Ann Perkins' in the sky.

Leslie:I didn't say any of those things.

Tom:I'm just trying to cover all my bases. Also, definitely don't mention the live tiger we rented.

Ann:Leslie, why do you have Christmas lights, a menorah, and a giant inflatable turkey all up at the same time?

Leslie:Ann, I've solved it. I'm combining every holiday into one mega-celebration. Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, Easter, Kwanzaa, Arbor Day, all in one party. Why limit yourself to twelve days of Christmas when you can have three hundred and sixty-five days of everything?

Ann:That's insane.

Leslie:It's efficient. We'll have a menorah Christmas tree with a turkey on top and we'll exchange gifts wrapped in wrapping paper that I designed myself with little menorahs and turkeys and candy canes and... is it working?

Tom:Leslie's got 99 problems but a plan ain't one. She's got 150 problems and 47 contingency plans.

Leslie:I packed a bag for you! You're going to need: a scuba suit, a harmonica, seventeen pairs of mittens, a wedding dress, a fire extinguisher, and a live chicken.

Ann:Leslie, why would I need any of these things?

Leslie:Because you never know what life is going to throw at you, and I want you to be prepared for literally everything.

Chris:A gift card to Pots and Pans? That's amazing! I love cooking! Well, I mean, I love the idea of cooking. I've never actually done it. But this is great! I can finally buy that one pot I've always wanted. Or maybe a pan. Probably just one or the other though, given the card's limit.

Chris:You know what? I'm actually excited about this. I've been doing some research on nutritional yeast-based desserts, and I think we could really make something special here. Sure, it might not sound appetizing to most people, but I genuinely believe that once everyone tries a low-sodium, sugar-free, gluten-free mousse made with activated charcoal and stevia, they're going to understand what real dessert is all about.

Ben:I got him a gift card to Chipotle. For twenty dollars.

Tom:What about a gift certificate to a nice restaurant? Or maybe some cologne? Oh, or a leather jacket!

Andy:Dude, you're just describing yourself.

Tom:What? No, I'm not.

Andy:Tom, you literally just listed cologne, a leather jacket, and expensive dinners. Those are your three main personality traits.

Tom:...I need to reevaluate some things.

Donna:I'm going to dominate the Pawnee dating scene.

Tom:Well, I mean, I've got a pretty good track record with the ladies—

Donna:Tom, no.

Leslie:I'm not banned from the Ice Rink. I just choose not to go there anymore.

Ben:There's a sign that says 'Leslie Knope is banned.'

Leslie:That could apply to anyone named Leslie Knope.

Ben:It has your picture on it.

Leslie:It could be anyone with my face.

Leslie:What the—Malia and Sasha! I mean, I love them both equally.

Ann:Okay Chris, for your mood, you need to take a B12 supplement, do 20 minutes of cardio, eat a salad with at least seven different vegetables, get exactly eight hours of sleep, meditate for ten minutes, drink half your body weight in water, take a probiotic, do some light stretching, and wear sunscreen even though it's cloudy.

Ann:Chris went to get some coffee. He said something about wanting to listen to his 'jams' on the way.

Chris:Hey everyone! I know some of you think my music taste is a little... unconventional. But you know what? I see that as a positive! It means I'm not afraid to be myself and explore new sonic landscapes. Plus, the energy from these tracks really helps me maintain my optimal heart rate during my morning jog. It's a win-win!

Andy:Wait, we dated? For like what, a few months?

Ann:Two years, Andy. Two years.

Andy:Right, right. That's what I said. Anyway, I hope you're happy in... Arizona.

Ann:Michigan. I'm moving to Michigan.

April:I have a confession to make. I'm actually really upset about the groundbreaking complications.

April:My real fear is that Ann might not leave.

Tom:Ann, you're my best friend. I want you to know that no matter what happens, I will always be there for you.

Tom:I can see our future together. We're older now, gray hair, sitting on a porch. Chris is dead.

Tom:We're poor. I'm asking you for money. You say no. I cry a little.

Tom:But we're together, and that's what matters.

Ron:I'm not one for goodbyes, but I want you to know that working with you has been... adequate. You've done some things that I didn't actively oppose, and that's saying something. I respect your work ethic, even if most of your ideas are mediocre. You're a fine employee, and I mean that in the most lukewarm way possible.

Ron:I've contributed my gift: I wrote my name on this rock. It's a paperweight.

Tom:Sweetums!

Group:...

Tom:What? It just came out.

Leslie:I can grant your wishes, within reason. I'm not a genie. I'm a mid-level bureaucrat with a can-do attitude and a laminating machine.

Harold:You want me to unblock your project? Fine. But I want free soda back in the break room.

Leslie:That's it? That's your demand?

Harold:You took away my free soda, Leslie. You took away my joy.

Leslie:I'm terrified. What if Kathryn hates me? What if she thinks I'm a terrible person?

Ann:Leslie, you're one of the best people I know. Anyone who knows you knows that.

Kathryn:Oh, you want my help? That's adorable. Leslie, your enthusiasm is like a golden retriever that learned to use a megaphone. And Ann, honey, your face has all the character of a mayonnaise sandwich.

Kathryn:You're nothing but a walking participation trophy.

Ann:Oh yeah? Well I'm pregnant, and I will hurt you.

Detlef:I'm so tired of being typecast as a basketball player. People see me and that's all they think about.

Leslie:Detlef, you're literally drinking a cocktail called 'The Slam Dunk' that comes in a glass shaped like a basketball hoop.

Perd:I'm a journalist. I have to maintain my integrity. I cannot be swayed by personal appeals or—

Ann:Perd, could you please not run that story?

Perd:Consider it killed.

Ann:So I went on a date with Perd.

Perd:Ann, I am here to inform you that I have developed romantic feelings for you, which I will now announce on live television.

Tom:Okay, here's what we do. We tell them that the gifts were delayed in shipping, but they're coming. They're coming soon. Real soon.

Tom:And then, when they ask about it in a few weeks, we say there was a problem at the warehouse. A small fire. Nothing major, but it set us back.

Tom:Then we tell them the replacement gifts are stuck in customs in Singapore. Which, by the way, is real. That's a real place.

Tom:And then, after like two months, we just show up with some really nice gifts that we definitely spent money on, and they'll be so grateful, they won't even care.

Tom:Plus, we can write off the gifts as a charitable donation, which means my taxes go down. It's foolproof.

Andy:Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.

Andy:That's from Family Guy.

Chris:Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.

Andy:That's from Family Guy.

Chris:You know, I've been thinking about our friendship, and I realized something. We've been through so much together. And even when things get tough, we always have each other. That's what really matters.

Chris:So I got you this gift to show you how much you mean to me.

Chris:It's... well, it's empty. But that's kind of the point. It's empty because our friendship is so full.

Harold:You two are a couple of pains in the ass.

Leslie:Well, Harold, I prefer to think of it as we're a couple of asses that cause pain. Which is actually a compliment, because it means we're effective. And effectiveness is something to be proud of.

April:If you want to deal with raccoons, you have to think like a raccoon. They're trash pandas - they're smart, they're vicious, and they'll steal your wallet. So you need to set traps, but not regular traps. You need to use psychology. Leave out shiny objects mixed with spoiled food, play recordings of other raccoons fighting, and whatever you do, never make eye contact because that's a sign of dominance and they will attack.

April:If a raccoon ever approaches you, you need to puff up your body to make yourself look bigger, like a puffer fish. Then you hiss really loud and back away slowly. They hate that.

April:At least you'll get to experience nature. The wolverines there are very aggressive.

April:I love you.

Ann:I'm not going to make you say it again, am I?

Ron:I made a box. It has four sides, a bottom, and a top. The wood is from a hickory tree that fell in my backyard. I let it season for three years before milling it myself with a hand plane. The joinery is mortise and tenon, which I cut with a chisel and mallet. Each joint is reinforced with hide glue, which I rendered from horse hooves. The finish is linseed oil, applied by hand in seven coats. The box measures 14 and 7/16 inches by 9 and 3/8 inches by 6 and 1/2 inches, with a tolerance of 1/32 of an inch. It holds things.

Jerry:Those are my initials. Garry, Jerry, Larry, Garry, Gergich.

Jerry:My parents couldn't decide on a name, so they just kept changing it. I've been burned so many times, I figured I'd just use all of them.

Ron:Those better not be tears on that wood. Moisture is the enemy of fine craftsmanship.

Leslie:You taught me that it's okay to wear unflattering clothing if it makes you happy.

Ann:I did not teach you that.

Leslie:You're living it every day.

Leslie:Ann, you taught me so much. You taught me about friendship, about loyalty, about being a good person. You taught me that it's okay to be yourself, even when the world tells you to be someone else. You taught me about compassion and kindness and standing up for what's right. And most importantly, Ann, you taught me that a woman should never, ever wear a tulip skirt.

Ann:Well, I guess now that the park is finished, you don't need me anymore. Our friendship was just transactional.

Ann:Well, I guess our friendship is just a series of transactions at this point.

Leslie:What? No! Ann, you're my best friend.

Ann:Really? Because I'm pretty sure you only hang out with me when you need something.

Leslie:That is not true! I... okay, fine. But I'm working on it.

Tom:Shotgun!

Jerry:Actually, I called it first.

April:Nobody called anything. We're taking two cars.

Ben:Wait, why are we taking two cars?

Donna:Because apparently there's a rule now that you have to call shotgun before you even know where you're going.

Ron:This is ridiculous. In my day, the strongest person just sat wherever they wanted.

Leslie:Actually, according to the official shotgun rules I've established, you need to call it within five minutes of entering the parking lot, and only if you're wearing closed-toe shoes.

Tom:That's insane.

Leslie:It's in the handbook I printed for everyone.

Ann:You made a handbook about car seating?

Leslie:A 40-page handbook. And as of today, shotgun is actually illegal.

Everyone:What?

Andy:Shotgun!

April:Shotgun!

Ben:Shotgun!

Leslie:Shotgun!

Tom:Shotgun!

Donna:Shotgun!

Jerry:Shotgun!

Ron:I'm driving.