Jan Levinson

I'm not even on that plan. Well I recommend it, it's very good.

Yeah, when have you ever done that? I'm doing it, right now. To you.

No, I have a life. Interesting, what's that like? You should try it sometime. But then who would watch my TV?

Dwight, listen to me very carefully, you are not a manager of anything. Understand ?

You're dropping an A-bomb on me here! - Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you.

Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so... That's what she said!

I am really thrilled.

Well, you're wearing it at the office. And... it, I'm sorry, no offense, but it's really sexy. Please don't smell me Michael.

I even come in on holidays. You do? How do you get in? I have a copy of your key.

For instance, the time brought in deer jerky for the whole office. That was deer? Gross. - Oh, god, Did not - You liked it.

It's your personality. I mean you're obnoxious, and rude. And-and-and stupid. And you do have coffee breath by the way. And-and, I don't agree about the B.O. But you are very, very, inconsiderate.

You know, I've seen some of your spreadsheets. And I almost always...

There are always a million reasons not to do something.

Don't get hysterical. I'm not. Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.

Now who's getting hysterical?

And, well, it is Michael. So... yeah, I'm very nervous.

Really? 'Cause I thought we had the same birthday.

I drove two and half hours to get here. Left work early, drove down here. And I am completely underdressed.

You know, it-it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so... obtuse... a-about sexual orientation! I watch 'The L Word,' Okay? I watch 'Queer as [beep].' That's not what it's called.

Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? No. Maybe. Is that what this is about? No. I don't. No. It's not possible. Anything's possible.

The 800-pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her. So nothing can happen between us at the convention.

Step away from me, Michael. Thank you for being so brave with all of this.

How would a movie increase productivity, Michael? / People work faster after. / Magically? / No. They have to, to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.

Do I need to hire a babysitter for you, Michael? / Kitchen. Some little 14-year old girl whose job it is, is to limit...

Many of your blouses are Claibornes. / How do you know that? / It's part of my job. / No, it's not. It's officially not.

Michael thinking Jan is calling because she misses him when she's delivering death news

Michael's robot statue proposal with arms that move and eyes that light up

Tell me what you did yesterday. Uh, nothing. Nothing? Yeah, nothing.

On whom's authority? The board's.

Am I a small number person or a severance package person? But you're a severance package person.

I, um... will not be taking the job. W... Excu... why not? As of today, I have accepted a senior management position at Staples. Today.

This whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you. Damn it, Josh.

Your branch is not closing. Stamford is closing. Um, for the time being, it seems that all of your jobs are safe.

Oh, you are such a racist. Wait, why am I a racist? Because you think he's black. He is black, right?

I was in Scottsdale, visiting my sister. Very sunny.

I am attracted to you. I don't... I don't know why, I... But I am

Jan claiming she was in Scottsdale visiting her sister, not Jamaica

Jan's speech about self-destructive tendencies and lowering expectations

Jan's 'Wait 15 minutes then meet me at your condo' instruction

Jan's disgusted 'Oh, God' reaction to Michael's movie quote

Okay, let's just go to a motel... And, like, rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica

I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside, I, uh- date Michael Scott publicly. And collapse into myself like a dying star.

No means please don't. Slam me up against the wall, right here.

I'll give you $200. And if I get up before you, I'll leave it on the dresser.

I didn't get both of your messages.

Not leaving. / David, I did not tell her.

So, elephant in the room, I have your old job. Well, not exactly... my job. A different title. Oh, well, excuse me. Same office. Same responsibilities. Different salary.

No-- No. No. If I go by myself, everybody'll think I'm a big loser. - Well... I've your permission to invite Carol? - What? Jesus, Michael! I'm sorry. It's just the first... girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody I haven't slept with.

Jan: 'A futon's not a sofa. It folds up. You've only seen it flat.'

Jan: 'Don't sell your implants, please. I'm keeping them. I know you like them... Kind of painful and my nipples aren't as sensitive now. Looks cute though.'

No. If I go by myself, everybody will think I'm a big loser. Well... Do I have your permission to invite Carole? What? Jeez, Michael! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just the first girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody that I haven't slept with.

No, I want it up. My hair.

I'm gonna puke. I'm gonna throw up. Fine, just a second. Hold on.

People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like... ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.

You e-mailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.

Chinese was my cheap suggestion.

You e-mailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.

Michael, I am very sorry. Oh, hey, no biggie. Just... No, no, no. This was rough. We never meant for you to get caught in the middle of this.

How about Chinese? We should really try to save some money. How about something cheap? That was my cheap suggestion. Chinese was my cheap suggestion.

This will be great to cook with... really.

And these walls, they used to be, like white, like an asylum. So I wanted it to be softer so I had it painted in eggshell white. Guess what. White and eggshell white are exactly the same color.

Yeah, he tried to set up my Tivo for me, but then I didn't have audio for a week.

You know, Pam, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight. / When in Rome.

You know what? Hunter was a terrible assistant. That's why Ryan fired him. / He's probably just as reliable as Pam, because it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me.

You don't need two of you to do that. / That's true...

Rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger. / No rhyming!

It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it, babe or should I tell it? / I don't like that story, babe. / Come on! It's a cute stor... Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.

You are so right. You are so right! Because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges. And I moved in and I cleaned it, so I guess that makes me the devil.

You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath. / But I don't need to tell you, Pam.

And I bought this condo to fill with children. / I am so sorry that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed-up world. / If you want to have kids, then fine, you win. Let's have a fuckin' kid!

I hate my life.

At least he's an artist. / B.F.D., I'm a screenwriter. And I'm a candle maker, but you don't hear me bragging about it! / No, all you do is you get me to try to work on my rich friends.

Man, I would love to burn your candles! / You burn it, you buy it! / Oh, good, I'll be your first customer! / You're hardly my first. / That's what she said!

You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil? / Cool. / Thank god they found her too. / Oh, they found her?

I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.

How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Doris Day covers on my own label? If I knew, I'd tell you.

(SINGING) Fry it up in a pan, Never, never, never let you forget you're a man. Love that commercial. I don't understand the reference.

Well, if there was anything exciting about it, it was because we both knew it was wrong. Because we worked together. No. Okay, imagine there's a princess who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn't like this at all... Am I the princess? No, I'm the princess. And the queen.

(SINGING) How was school? It was cool. What did you learn? What did I learn? You might have learned shapes, or blocks, or clocks, or colors, or you might have learned that we're all sisters and brothers... I have herpes.

Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby?

Why are you singling my line out, like, a million years later?

Well, it's not really much of a comparison, is it? I mean, 'Cece' is two letters, and 'Astrid' is... I mean, there's even some adults who-- who-- who can't spell it.

Try to spell it, Pam. Um... A... X? I don't-- you got me.

Do you have a valid passport?