Dr. Hibbert

We've got a nasty bump on our head. Quit it! And a tiny broken toe. Quit it!

Not that I'm angry, but how did you get my home number?

Well, Mrs. Simpson... I'd like to rely on your diagnosis, but it'd be derelict of me to do so.

Before you know it, you'll be back among your polygons... and your Euclidian algorithms.

Homer... these ice cubes are made from highly toxic chemicals. A real fly is more sanitary. The look on your face. It's priceless!

Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Thanks for inviting me. I had a great time. I apologize for my husband. If you want him to live, roll him onto his stomach.

Remember, I said 'if.'

No. By tomorrow... you'll barely be able to breathe. Oh... man.

Good Lord! Gigantism!

Good Lord! Gigantism!

I love animals. I spend my life saving them, and they can't thank me. The parrots can, but--

We saved your gamecock... but he'll never fight again. That's what you think. He'll fight and he'll win.

It's times like this... I'm glad I flunked out of dental school.

There's only one known cure-- a 'wowwipop.' [Chuckling] Don't patronize me, Doctor.

She has the reflexes of a young Mary Lou Retton.

Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid you've just had a mild heart attack. But I'm out of the woods now, right? I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten.

Look! Hey, come on. Quit it. Coochy coochy coo! Stop. Please stop. Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now. Please have mercy. Got your nose. Not funny.

How 'bout this little bee? [Buzzing] No! Oh! Remember your hippopotamus oath.

Well, we can't fix his heart... but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is. What an age we live in!

Now, Homer, this is a new body fat analysis test. I start you jiggling and measure how long it takes to stop. Whoo-hoo! Look at that blubber fly! Yes. Nurse, cancel my 1:00.

Say it in English, Doc. You're going to need open-heart surgery. Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo. We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker. Could you dumb it down a shade?

This procedure will cost you upwards of... $30,000. [Homer gasps, cries out, thud] I'm afraid it's now 40,000.

This man's appendix is about to burst. Luckily, I have my trusty pocketknife.

Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food... or [Chuckles] some sort of voodoo curse.

Hey, we've just been working the eyes.

Well, you are a very lucky man, Apu. You see, the bullet ricocheted off another bullet that was lodged in your chest from a previous robbery.

Well, only one in two million people has... what we call the 'evil gene.' Hitler had it. Walt Disney had it. And Freddy Quimby has it.

I'm sorry, that leg's gonna have to come off.

Did I say leg? I meant that wet bathing suit.

Well, you know, a healthy baby can bring upwards of $60,000. What?! Of course, that was just a test. Had you reacted differently, why, you'd be in jail right now. Simply a test.

This boy's appendix is inflamed and about to burst... which will make it easier to find once I get in there.

A jagged, metal cereal O.

Dr. Hibbert, can I have my appendix out? / Why not. Follow me, kids. / Nurse, prep these children.

He used to laugh at the most inappropriate times. / I've got an older brother that I'll never see. / He's a jazz musician or some such. Oh, well. Bye-bye.

Hi, everybody! - Ho... mer Simp... son.

I've got the prescription for you, Doctor. Another hot beef injection.

My God! That's monstrous. I've never heard of anything so negligen- I'll have no part of it. Can you recommend a doctor who will?

telling you... would violate the patient-doctor privilege... just as if I were to tell you that Jasper here has five seconds to live. - What'd he say? - He said I'm next.

I believe they prefer to be called 'conjoined twins.' / And hillbillies prefer to be called 'sons of the soil,' but it ain't gonna happen.

Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town.

We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week. It saved our marriage.

Hugo's scar is on the wrong side. He couldn't have been the evil, left twin. That means the evil twin is and always has been... Bart.

Oh, don't look so shocked. W-Well, chalk this one up to carelessness on my part.

Why, I could wallop you all day with this surgical 2-by-4 without ever knocking you down. But I have other appointments.

It's good for keeping down the urges.

His ears if we're lucky!

Is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based? - Uh, the second one. 'Zilliphone.'

This thing has me buffaloed. [Laughs]

I only wish my Volvo mechanic were as reliable. [Laughing] Good night, Lisa.

Yes, that is a concern, but it's so hard to find a sitter... and I've got judo tonight.

Yes, that is a concern, but it's so hard to find a sitter... and I've got judo tonight.

How wedded are you to the Bart you know?

Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer... but I'm more concerned about your gravy level.

[Laughing] Well, you're a little confused. Oh, confused, would we?

from the looks of it, I'd say this fellow died from causes unknown

Speaking from a strictly medical point of view, that ain't right

Getting your taxes out of the way? No. Just mailing out death certificates... for holiday-related fatalities.

This man's kidneys have exploded. There's nothing left. Oh, no! Yeah, that's what happens when you get older. It's one of those natural things. Beautiful in its way.

Excuse me, Doctor. I think I know a little something about medicine. Homer, with all due respect, this X-ray reveals a textbook kidney blowout.

So you're saying I don't need a new muffler? I don't feel so good. Maybe I oughta eat something. Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over. [Laughing]

How long do I have to live, Doc? [Laughs] I'm amazed you're alive now. Oh, I blame myself for this. We all blame you.

Well, you could give him a kidney. A kidney? Okay, fine. I said fine. What is it about the word 'sure' you don't understand?

Hmm, I'll take the left one. It's good and springy. Though the right one's not without its charms.

We gotta get rid of that window.

Larry Hagman took it. He's got five of them now. And three hearts. We didn't want to give them to him, but he overpowered us.

While we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in... we helped ourselves to a kidney and gave it to your father.

Yes. You've shortened your life significantly... so someone else can have a slight extension of theirs.

Oh, uh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. Hibbert. [Deep Voice] Not at all, officer. [Laughing]

Ow! - [All] Yea! As a doctor, I'd say he's had enough. But as a football fan- [Cheer Building Up] [Screams]

You know, before I learned to chuckle mindlessly, I was headed for an early grave myself.

You know, I wouldn't have thought so before I bought 12% percent of this restaurant... but now I feel a balanced diet can include the occasional eating contest.

We have the latest Heimlich machine. [Gagging]

This man is dead. Looks to me like beef poisoning. - Probably from some other restaurant.

They've gotten rid of the English literature section and replaced it with a make-your-own-sundae bar

Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?

Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny. - Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio

So now, we just have the red and yellow lights

Why not both? Then everybody's happy. - Oh, yeah. Everyone's real happy then!