Ted Mullens

Ted's dark humor: 'Well, if it is a heart attack we're way too far away from the nearest hospital for you to make it through the night.' followed immediately by 'Kidding.'

Dr.: 'if it is a heart attack we're way too far away from the nearest hospital for you to make it through the night. Kidding.'

Ted's medical question: 'Now, have you been around any feces in the past two days?' David's horrified 'I don't n...'

Ted's understated response: 'Wow. Eek. That'll do it.'

Run through you like Niagara Falls.

Um, I usually prescribe them to my patients when they're feeling a little... backed up.

There's broken glass? / No, there is not broken glass in it

I do not like what this cleanse is doing to your brain. / You're being very rude!

Hey... I come in peace. What's this? I don't know, it's a pre shave follicle mask or something, I took it from the pile of product that nobody bought.

You have to understand that you're the first nice guy that I've dated. / They don't like me? / No, they do! They do, they've just always seen nice as a sign of weakness

Say something super mean. / What, I can't just turn it on in an instant, like you can.

Well, and you, what about you? Are you just going to sit around all day, while I work and buy you dinners? You've gotta go out there and get a job... / Too far. / It's too far, okay.

I was eating Indian last night, so...

your worms are almost all gone, aren't they?

think of them as... our kids.

Oh, yeah, dogs sometimes do that.

And if it's any consolation, the dogs told me to tell you that they're super embarrassed about their behaviour, too.

And I only take in the slutty ones, so...

Pineapples, pig on the spit, the whole nine yards. Oh, you, uh, roast pigs? We do! Sure do. We have a big one hanging in the garage.

So this whole room... Just gets delivered, as is. This is the 'bachelor's den' here, and then that's the 'executive dining lounge'

Oh, I should take the rolls out of the microwave. Hot rolls!

Thank you, Stevie. I ordered it online from a restaurant supply place. No sales tax.

Chicago's Best Deep Dish Pizza Tour

I'm sure you're from a really solid home and... / David. / Understand. / I'm gonna slap you in the face.

What's an all-inclusive vacation?

If I was staying, then yes! A thousand times yes! And if things were different and I wasn't leaving, um, then definitely yes. / So, is that a no? / Yes.

You just ordered the parfait.

Oh, no, that guy was like, a known alcoholic, and they pulled him out a week ago.

I don't like you anymore. I mean, like that.

Are you wearing makeup? / So what if I am?

You know, it's interesting, the longer we have this conversation, the more over it I get.

Well, I was about to give Hazel a blood test. / Well, I think it's probably better if you put Hazel down. / What?! No, she'll be fine!

You're the perfect boyfriend, Ted. / Thank you... / But... / I knew there was a 'but.'

Yeah, no, I pieced that part together.

Well, I did book us a two week couples vacation that's non-refundable. / Ooh, yeah, that makes... That makes it harder.

And it's rare to find someone that beautiful, and smart, and deeply selfish, yet charming!

'Cause they actually gave me the 'Broken Hearts Special.' Three extra nights at no extra charge, as long as I could prove that I didn't actually make it down the aisle.

Yeah! Yeah, no, I got almost full price back for the engagement ring, and I've always wanted one of these, and it cost less than the ring, so...

Except they don't wear helmets on that show, Which I get, but, it's a little dangerous.

That would be uncomfortable accepting free money. No, no, you'd be working. Doing her job, and I would pay you for it. Oh!

Those bare legs are dangerous. Ted! No, I'm serious. The animals carry bugs or ticks that can burrow into your bare skin.

Yeah, well, Doris has been worried about her cat for two years. She comes in every week.

Ew! I'm just trying to figure out what happened, all right?

Cool? Alexis... I couldn't stop crying. I was scaring all the animals at work.

When I had to go on our honeymoon without you, the zip line instructor at the Los Passions Couples Resort told me that I just gotta get through it.

I try to have lunch with my mom at least once a week. And sometimes lunch will turn into dinner, because we get carried away chatting

You owe someone money. / Alexis, I pay off my credit card bills two weeks in advance, what do you think?

I know that they are for the animals, but I find that when I get tired, just one or two kind of help me focus.

I was making a house call to Lisa's farm, and got head-butted by her goat.

Heather Warner doesn't actually have a cat.

She like, thinks she has a cat? That's so sad. But I guess she is like 50, so that makes sense. / Yep, she's 42. And she's not crazy. It's... code.

A booty call?! / Well, I'm not crazy about the term, but...

Why should the person who is performing surgery on your pet have to have a six pack?! / You have a six pack.

That's not the point! And... it's not a full six yet, That's why I'm shredding right now.

If he wants to sell sex, then he should just get a job down at the Dude Cave! He'd make more money than being a vet!

Um, what's the Dude Cave? / It's the all male strip club outside of town. My cousin Dwayne works there; he drives a Corvette.

Oh no, why didn't you tell me the camera could see me when I get back from my runs?! / I just noticed!

Well... who's to say that people weren't watching for the bunnies? / I am, that's what I'm saying.

Well, what can I say, sometimes I like to live dangerously. While still respecting my personal boundaries.

Pub nights, frisbee in the quad... Late night hacky sack. Mhmm. We got some serious sack circles going. Oh, so many sex circles. Sack. Hacky sack.

Didn't you say on your resume that you did four years at UCLA? Yes... technically, if you consider Bel Air an extension of the campus, which everybody does.

No, no, me and some friends, we just got in a car, and took off. Yeah, we were following the American Idol tour. We missed a couple shows, but it's always the exact same set, so... no regrets.

But, I volunteer to work here. / Because it's your job.

Dot, you won't need the Swiffer. / I guess I'll be dancing with Ted.

Although I did think that there would be more of them. / Yeah, well there used to be, but... you know.

Does Dot have arthritis? Because it looks like she's giving me the finger. / Well, she has arthritis, but not in that hand.

Well, she has arthritis, but not in that hand.

I don't know about little, because I'm benching 225 right now

Also, I'm kind of a samurai when it comes to a metal comb, so...

Um, you know that it's me, right? - Yeah, caught on pretty quick.

I could be shearing you with trimmers right now.

I'm not sure what's more disgusting, what I'm doing right now, or the concept for that restaurant.

Just-just the mama, we got her.

She said that her cat is better. She doesn't have a cat.

I got a 60 and a 65! Alexis, those are the class averages. You got a 63 and a 68!

I, in the mean time, will go to get back to... work-o.

Like when your parents kiss their friends... on the mouth. Yes. Like kissing your parents.

Back to work-o.

Actually I was talking about you passing your exams.

You picked up a stick. No, it's a pencil shaped like a twig.

I hate it when they don't put price tags on things.

I think maybe we should just avoid kisses for a while. Even adult ones.

formal training is usually encouraged. - Well, I don't have formal training.

No. God no.

Those were genuine laughs? - Sometimes, yeah.

Well, I can't say the reception will be as fun, but that's really generous of you, Alexis. Like, surprisingly generous.

Let's try to find another word for 'quit.' You know, it kinda implies poor management.

Oh really? She said, extra special. I think we should stay.

I have a date tonight.

we may uh, you know, need the apartment at some point. Apartment at some point. My God, like for sex.

Um, I liked the guy with the glasses. Me too. Um, or the guy with cystic acne. Either or.

Just joking, you've got Ted's voicemail. Don't you hate it when people do that? Me too, and yet I just did it.

Yes, definitely not a War Vet. Damn these fallen arches.

I know that David is looking for exclusivity on your products. / Ooh, she is good.

I'm also glad I did. It's good to see you. It's also good to see you.

it's kinda hard to guarantee fun.

That's actually a he, and I think he might already be spoken for?

Yeah, I was just giving them a little pup talk.

Oh, I just assumed that's how you always work.

Um, but maybe I could take a puppy home for the night. You know I can't let you do that. Yeah, no. That's no problem.

It's always gifts for the dogs, and never for me. Definitely one of my pet peeves

I broke up with Heather

You know how many off-road dirt bike tours I had to take, just to get her outta my head? Shockingly, never been on a dirt bike. Um... But I'm sure like a lot-a lot... A lot of tours, David

That's a dog treat? Looks like a real treat. What am I gonna do now?

I'm gonna take that as a compliment, even though everything inside me's telling me that it's not.

Well, I, I did get up at the Krak-ow dawn

What if I missed chest and back day?

your cool, scary, judgy friends

that's just 72 more cookies to make, then.

You didn't tell him? - Oh, my god. - Okay, I hate this!

everyone low-key hates me. - Uh, hate is a strong word.

Like... that empty book that you gave me.

Now, this appears to be a photo of Twyla? / Yes... I put that there. Because Twyla is an important friend. / And Twyla's mom? / Is her important friend.

I was actually only one stamp away from a free sub, so.

Old Shan out there. / Okay, first of all Alexis, she's not old, we went to vet school together.

Yeah, it's funny because I actually am a doctor. / So am I... / No, you're not. Just-just Ted.

Okay, let's remember this is still a place of work.

Okay, let's remember this is still a place of work.

Yeah, I don't think that's relevant. / Ahem. 'Dear Melanie.' / Melanie? Is this the girl from the falafel place?

fal-awful saying this over text

I really... fal-awful saying this over text

'Cool!' Exclamation mark. / And it looks like you ended up walking her dog for her? / Well, she seemed really upset.

Snip, snip, Mr. Mullens!

So I polished them off, and... it tasted like burnt plastic, and I regretted it instantly.

Babe, did you rig this? / Maybe I did, and maybe I did!

Man, come here, big guy!

That was fun. / Yes / That was really fun. Did you have fun? / Yes, Ted. / Did everyone had fun? / Yes, Ted.

You kissed my brother tonight, I'm not kissing you after you kissed my brother. / Pffft! Who kissed your brother?

But first just give your brother a kiss. / Ew, Ted, Ew!

maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying?

she's just going after whatever she wants, no holds barred! - Oh, well hopefully, some holds barred.

maybe I should start calling you 'Uncle Johnny,' then, huh?

But I didn't pay for that. / I know, I got it at the flea market.

seems that the strap has fallen off of your shoulder. I'd offer to put it back for you, but as a delivery guy, I don't know if it's my place.

my... grandmother passed this morning. / Ew! Oh my God, Ted! / Sorry, I wasn't prepared for an improv.

You pulled some new tricks out. / New to you.

the door was unlocked the entire time! / They would've gotten quite the show!

A few years ago. And it just been real tough to get over.

We just need to figure out where. / And what page is that? / Well, we both agree that we wanna get away, and we both agree that we're gonna land on somewhere so good

[Awkward silence as Ted realizes Alexis hasn't understood his Galapagos hint at all]

You mean, other than wanting to study some of the rarest and most diverse forms of plant and animal life on the planet?

You know, Emmett, the tortoise is 180-years-old, So I'm sure he'll still be around in another few years

once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity

Yes, Ted Mullens, I will go to the Cayman Islands with you. / Uh, you mean the Galapagos?

Yes! Let's celebrate! / Uh, no, no, no, I meant like, vaccinations

Those are actually an insane safety hazard. If they catch fire, you're basically trapped in a burning cage, so. But, totally.

what you're describing is missing someone, and it is a totally normal feeling.

we discovered a new breed of fly that mates with itself. Yummm! Mm.

Ted! Stop making me jealous of turtles. Tortoises, but I do have tur-tell you

Oh my God, David! Knock much?! / Hi, David! / Hi. Is he dressed?

You and Alexis were about to engage in cyber-sex. / Hi, Ted. / Hi, Mr. Rose.

And you're wearing the little tie with your short-sleeved shirt. My little Galapo-guy. / Yeah, it's actually really hot here, so the bottom half is just my bathing suit and flip-flops.

Ted! More about your bottom half, please! / Twyla's not standing right behind you, is she? / Hi, Ted.

In fact, they actually named the new fly 'Alexis.' / The fly that mates with itself?

It was a real 'Fyre Fest.' (Chuckles)

Well, I put some screens on the windows. I wouldn't really call it a renovation

the screens that I installed are actually attracting more bugs somehow

the ants are back and, uh, I think what we're about to do probably wouldn't end very well if a fire ant was involved

Hi, uh sorry there were limited options at the airport gift shop. 'Have a great flight', so sweet.

Yeah, yeah, no need to milk it.

I'd rather not walk in on her and her zumba instructor, don't wanna have to zoom back here.

I think that you are the most beautiful girl this town's ever seen.

Actually, those flies are an invaluable piece of the puzzle in the study of evolution, but... yes we do have our fingers crossed that there are still a few more out there.