Kent Davison

That and the big quake hasn't yet hit San Francisco.

Am I supposed to ask a question now? Oh, sure. If you want. Fire away. And what would that question be? Well, that question might be what do you think is the best reposition to take? And what would the answer to that question be? And the answer to that question would be standing right in front of you.

Why would anyone want to eat you?

Yeah, it's the only thing I'd save if this building were on fire.

By definition, you should be at half the height of the president.

Hey, I heard you were doing Pilates. I didn't know you had a core. ( laughs ) I do and it's like steel.

Yeah? What are we doing? - Nothing. Until the numbers support intervention, doing nothing is the most positive thing we can do.

SM-17d. There's a lower case D. - Ah, apologies, sir. - Details are important. A misplaced decimal point can kill a diabetic.

Where do you live? - Nearby. Local ... to here.

Mike, the VP is voicing solidarity with the Jewish people in front of rotating pork.

Ben, it seems like you're ill-suited for your job and you should resign.

Any less and they will be flaccid and damp like a lady's hair in the rain.

even though my salivary glands are crying out to me like newly hatched birds.

Listen, we all know the White House would work so much better if there wasn't a President, but there is.

Would it be okay if I showed you some ideas I have regarding strategy? No time, Mr. Egan. They're mostly Flash based, but I put them on YouTube. I just said I had no time.

We're all being hit by deadlines, right, Mike? Yes, sir. They can swing around and smack you like a boom.

That's real man's sailing. Leaning out in the tack, your big man balls dipping in the salty sea.

I have no children and I wish for none, but she's my family.

This is the photograph? No, just wondering if you think this sweater goes with the dress.

That's how he looks. That's his face. Why didn't you just take the good one of me, Photoshop it in? I can't airbrush history, ma'am. I'm not Joseph Stalin.

This is imbecilic. You're right. It's asinine. No, keep smiling, Mr. Ryan. I'm smiling falsely. So should you.

Ma'am, your song last night made my lips curl. - Uh... ( laughs ) - Upwards.

Was that up in the hills or down in the valley?

Or he tried to fuck the bear. Like Grizzly Adams. / Enjoying yourselves? / We were. / Are you laughing at the violent death of a young man? / Yeah, pretty much.

Forgot my noise-cancelling headphones. Guess what I just heard. I'm not here. Ergo, my ears aren't here either.

Sue, apologies. We will continue our pleasant chat at a later date. Abortion calls.

I wonder who should be my campaign strategist in the next election. 'I don't know.'

Space is bold, but safe at the same time. There are no votes in space. There's nothing there.

Children are of no value. Forget child care.

If you don't like the reality, go live in Oregon and make quilts with my mother. She could use the help.

Dan-zibar, what's happening?

He just swallowed his phone in fear.

We could 'build' a consensus.

Our withdrawal from Afghanistan has been more 'momentarily' than this.

It was a masseuse. - That makes total sense now. - Who did you think it was?

Not to split hairs or anything, but it was a man. So, technically, it's a masseur, not a masseuse.

You are going to change America in a way that usually only war and fluoride can.

I have a sister who was... well, she didn't have the... it kind of all went wrong within the tubing...

Can you not hear me singing in the wires?

I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.

Yeah, is there a smoking condom?

It could have been anyone. Could have been Ben. Yeah, I poked everything that moved back then.

We could lose to the whale from 'Free Willy.'

Holy crapcakes! They're loving her. I know. It seems every time she says 'repel,' she attracts more voters.

Kind of, in a way, and also not. And in a third way both.

Ma'am, we're America. We're always at war.

Kent: You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the fucking Lincoln Memorial.

Mike: She looks like she's in 'Flashdance.' / Kent: 'Thai lady-boy made head of sweatshop.'

This is about the brand image of Catherine Meyer, TM.

Catherine, America doesn't like you.

I wouldn't say hate. You just... polarize opinion with the bulk of it gravitating to this pole here.

You have sharp shoulders. This is like high school all over again. Yeah, sure, kind of, but much bigger.

Customary shortcuts to public affirmation are military service or childbirth. Okay, God, no, and, oh, my God, no, in that order.

Okay, well, then we go back to the idea of turning that frown into the inverse of a frown. Upside down?

I cannot endorse that message, but I do acknowledge it.

A speech is a speech. Phonemes connecting to produce meanings.

Ironically, the straight guy is very stiff around the gay guy.

Bill, of my various walking paces, I selected moderate to fast.

Your champagne's been laced with polonium. I mean, not really. It's just to lighten up the moment a little bit.

O'Brien just pulled a teddy bear out of the ruins of a house.

I like my bourbon like I like my women... 18 years old and wet.

You know, those kids have been dead for a while.

When was yours sent? When was yours sent? I asked you first.

No, mine was the master list. Your list was a sub-list. It was a sur-list, which means over-list.

Oh, that's... bravo, Bill. Subtly done.

Like a swan or Professor Hawking.

You haven't seen it, so forget it.

He's the bagman, yeah, but he's also the bad man.

That was the bad news, which in the end I didn't bear.

For the stress pimple? Ben gets those on his butt. She should see a doctor.

Actually, Wendy was keeping it a secret from me until today because I'm so bad with keeping secrets.

'Nev-add-a.'

It's called POTUS. Pimple of the United States. There are 220,000 followers as of five minutes ago. How many Twitter followers do I have? Approaching that.

I don't mean this to sound insensitive, but don't you think that mudslides are the funniest kind of natural disasters? I've always been partial to sinkholes. You know, ah! Those are hilarious. Nature's trapdoor.

Little known fact about the Nazis... their polling numbers within Germany, through the roof. Unbelievable numbers. Though also tragic.

The Jewish demo couldn't have been that good.

I don't care for movies.

Phones are hacked all the time to steal pictures of celebrities' penises and whatnot.

if you will, a 'death bump.'

Well, that is some wild and heavy stuff. / Indeed. / Yeah. I got some real soul-searching to do.

We lost the popular vote. / Oh, God.

CNN and Fox both say he's critical, but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits.

Go to the ATM Monday and dust will come out.

Hanukah polls higher in Mecca.

That's Korean for 'I hate you.'

The country, not the musical.

We all called her a cunt.

Stalemate his endgame. Shades of Karpov versus Kasparov.

Out of how many? - 44. You were right ahead of James Buchanan, who many feel caused the Civil War.

Alternate timelines are a crutch for lazy sci-fi premises, e.g., 'Star Trek' with the exception of 'Deep Space Nine.'

Mike, she has the head circumference of a six-year-old. - I'm six.

Selina, good news. We found the missing Nevada ballots. You won.

That's a false equivalence, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Wives in this town make the social calendar. Mrs. Furlong likes inviting couples, not unregistered sex offenders.

Congressman, being a bachelor in this town means you're gayer than a TV evangelist.

statistically speaking, married politicians have more sex with more single women than single politicians.

We had to extend to the greater Baltimore, Arlington, Alexandria area to find them. Well, we got a 'maybe' in Delaware. She's waiting to see your hair grow back.

Mike, that is the kind of voting irregularity that we are here to prevent.

Murman's leading by more votes than there are people in the country. - Yeah, maybe he's bussing them in from Chicago.

It's now worth approximately $389,000. Way to go, ma'am.

when people think about what's wrong in Washington, they think of him and you

I set my watch back for Daylight Savings Time. You set your watch the wrong way. No, it's spring. I 'springed' backwards.

Plus-sized homunculus. A human-shaped creature of medieval legend that Paracelsus claimed was created from putrefied sperm.

So you don't scrape your head, you giant barbecue fork.

Well, ironically, I have bigger tits.

No, it sounds like a gay a cappella group.

Hamilton wasn't a president. ... Then why the fuck did they write a musical about him?!

All right, I need you and your buddies from the Island of Misfit Toys... Isle.

Could you tell the Colossus of Chodes that this is the exact same goddamn office, only three floors down with a shittier view?

Second goddamn floor, I can't even commit suicide.

Charlie, also played by Fred Gwynne. Season one, episode nine.

No, I'm bringing my jai alai instructor. - Female. - Ish.

The shutdown really hurt you in Massachusetts' anus. AKA New Hampshire.

It was you. How do you know, Kent? Were you at that summer camp?

Strategic Hypermetric Electoral Interactive Logistical Algorithm.

I like her more than I like the deaf girl. - Whatever happened to her? - The police have no leads.

Actually, it's a synecdoche. - Technically, it's more of a goat rape than a clusterfuck.

Felix Wade's sexuality is the worst best-kept secret since Clyde Tolson's hysterical pregnancy. The man lives in a vast invisible closet.

That makes me moister than an oyster. / Plus or minus four points. / OK, still pretty moist.

In current gay parlance, Dan presents somewhere between a 'wolf' and an 'otter,' some would call a 'frost otter.'

The current version only asks for donations and, for some reason, deletes your address book. Technically, it's more of a virus.

Her records were sealed. She was 16. She accidentally hit him with her Volkswagen Cabriolet. She is an actual murderer?! Yes! Who drives an import!

Actually, he was decapitated.

Something that makes a NASCAR race look like a Jay-Z concert, you know? / Actually, ma'am, Jay-Z concerts are almost all white people. / Okay, well, right? I know.

Face to face, I can convince anyone of anything. - That's not true. - Incorrect. You're both wrong. - Both: You're right.

Are people actually laughing at that impression? - No. - Yes.

There's two things Americans don't like to see get hurt: animals, and white girls on spring break.

I haven't been funny since 1987.

I just wanna be president. Do you want six almonds? No!

Might want to double-check that penis. That's Kent's job.

Pretend to talk to me about numbers. - I was pretending. My favorite number is Euler's number.

Jonah was right. He was spectacularly right! And you know what that makes me, sister? - Spitty?

That's not fucking funny, Kent. - I haven't been funny since 1987.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He's having a heart attack! - Eighth time's the charm.

I honestly think I might be in hell. - No such place, ma'am. The concept of hell is a cultural memory of pre-Mosaic child sacrifice among proto-Judean peoples.

Oh, well, if I had a dollar for every 'Mother, I will never forgive you...' Bazillionaire. Correct.