Jonah Ryan

Obviously they won't ask you guys because you have no... um, you just have other areas of expertise. Yeah, clean jobs, Yemen, mission to Mars.

That address makes me hard.

Did the VEEP kill the last remaining snow leopard? Did she firebomb a hospice?

Did the VEEP kill the last remaining snow leopard? Did she firebomb a hospice?

That didn't get me.

Are you here to steal the incorrectly-signed card?

I want Amy to go on a date with me tonight. Don't worry about it, okay? We're not gonna have sex, all right? Because she hates me.

And if all the other eights that I do want to have sex with see that I am eight-capable, then I'm going to be having sex with an eight very soon. It is intern season, Gary.

And if all the other eights that I do want to have sex with see that I am eight-capable, then I'm going to be having sex with an eight very soon. It is intern season, Gary.

Do I look like a pimp to you? You look exactly like a pimp.

Do I look like a pimp to you? You look exactly like a pimp.

You look exactly like a pimp.

Shrimp Linguini and a porno. Oh, hey. I'm just kidding. It's chicken Linguini.

Oh, my God. Can I blow you? Uh, yes, you can. I will meet you out in the hallway in a few seconds. Sure, I'll get a stepladder.

It's been an honor to serve such an accomplished understudy, ma'am.

whassup, as they say in the late '90s?

although i'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world.

i guess all those tears must be dehydrating.

cock-blocking widow.

ma'am, you need to kill the dog. not literally, but-- i mean, yeah, if it comes to it, then literally.

oh, this rapist face gets eights. consensually, i might throw in.

you got a convenient opening i can slide into? open up a slot for jonah? there's not enough alcohol in the world, jonah.

Does he want to operate me by remote control? No. That's not technologically possible.

Well, with respect, ma'am, do you think anybody's gonna remember your primary campaign?

You know, I meant that more as a slight against the power of recollection of the electorate and not as an attack on the potency of your campaign.

God, I love saying that.

Oh, well, the White House is very much under the moon about that

You can't just make up acronyms, Jonah. Somebody has to, Mike.

What do you call that? Bi-casual? Thanks, Mike, but it's Sunday. I work hard, I work fast, and I get hot legs. I say let the whale hang loose.

I work hard, I work fast, and I get hot legs. I say let the whale hang loose.

What happened to your hot pants? Oh, the hot pants picked up some negative traction. I realize now they're unbecoming of my office.

I'm fructose intolerant. - Fructose? - Fruit sugars. - It's very rare.

When they bring out the bread, you check it out. It is a fuckload of bread. Believe me, you could feed a family, like a fat family off the fuckload of bread alone.

Oh, no. No way, dude. Fructose.

I got a cock like a cappuccino frother. One of the big ones. The industrial ones, not the little ones.

Intel, that's a brand of microprocessor. - Strong joke.

He's got a big veiny boner for it.

You cut me, I bleed metal.

This is fucking like being operated on by a chimp with a hard-on and a hacksaw.

Maybe I'll sneak into your apartment with a bag of oranges and fructose you to death.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but you have drawn the fat straw.

One day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna find your lungs have turned to pastry.

Hey, I'm on the phone with AT&T. Can you stop shouting 'menstrual'?

This is going in with the dirty dishes, man. For fuck's sake. If this is broken, I'm adding it to your fucking rent

White House is in the house. * Everybody say way-o! *

I have a much longer reach

Hey, gimme a 'J'!

And they are whispering 'Dick Cake'

Imagine something small has crawled up a dead cow's ass. And then that small thing actually dies itself. If that dead thing then farted out a sack of eggs, but each individual egg is a smaller, rotting dead thing, that's how toxic she is.

I engineered Selina crying on camera. I'm the puppet master. I'm Pinocchio. Pinocchio wasn't the puppet master, Mike. He was the puppet.

Oh, that's 'cause your laptop is still running on Windows 2000 and shit.

Tonight there's gonna be a plane crash shunting a train wreck onto a crowded highway.

Not money problems, money challenges.

Is that a racist joke? Yeah.

Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to fuck the pig before they roasted it? I wouldn't presume they took turns.

What the hell do you do on Air Force One, rub your dick on the seats? I haven't actually been on Air Force One.

I am having the best day. This is such a great time. We're on Air Force Two. U.S. Hey is getting started. Guys, we saved the Florida vote. You guys want to play iPad Scrabble?

No, that's cherry red. - Cerise. - I'm sorry, sir. I must have a very specific form of color blindness.

Think of me as a cheerleader, Mike. - Oh, God. I'm imagining you in a bathtub full of rose petals.

This is so awesome. I'll bet you camera three gets a kill.

Good morning, gentlemen. What a delightful day. I was gonna walk to work, but then... - You got West Exec? - It's just a parking spot, Dan. To be jealous of that, you'd have to be a shallow kind of... I don't know, dick, I guess.

Would it be okay if I showed you some ideas I have regarding strategy? No time, Mr. Egan. They're mostly Flash based, but I put them on YouTube. I just said I had no time.

You've already bugged the shit out of everyone else in the building? I'm sorry, what? Say that again. Jonah, out. Or else I'll see if my pepper spray works.

No, it's just a meme, ma'am. Not a meme ma'am. And usually they flame out after about 48 hours, but sometimes they blow up and become a super meme like Downfall or Gangnam.

Yeah, he's just feeling bad. He's... you know, he's sugary. - Yeah. - Or he's not sugary enough.

Yeah, he's got fat wrists. You know?

You've been following me like Nancy Drew and his butt-sniffing dog

But at least when I'm crying about it, I am crying about it in my car in West Wing Exec parking.

I just liked the song so much. And I thought you wanted it out there, so I just put it out there.

I just liked the song so much. And I thought you wanted it out there, so I just put it out there.

Get off the plane. What? - Get off of the plane. - Ma'am, we're taxiing. I don't give a shit. Get the fuck off my plane.

But I didn't even own a car. I just had to sign a two-year lease for the Nissan Cube.

I leased a Nissan Cube from you the other day. What are my options if I don't need it anymore? Can I just give that back? No? ( Sighs ) Paper.

J-Rock to come down there and spit some wicked wisdom in your ear

Don't worry, buddy. I can cover for you. Remember, I lie for a living. Yeah, but you don't do it well and nobody believes you.

Holy shit, grandpa, you probably still get your porn from magazines.

Oh, God, you weren't molested by your math teacher, were you?

Yeah, antibiotics. Just keeping fresh. I'm not mentally ill if that's what you're implying.

Pickle me eels and tickle me belly 'cause I am off to merry London Town for a right fuckabout, eh?

It is a city where women are literally drunk all day. And I am going to mind their gaps, my friend.

Well, cum-for-brains, the government is shut down, so all the passport offices are closed.

Where's Sue? Where's Sue? Who's the new Sue? Me.

I don't actually have to touch the trash, do I? Yes, you've got to embrace it.

Why don't you offer to blow him over by the recycled glass? It would throw up some interesting light effects. That would be romantic, wouldn't it?

They get so hot for it, I call it the Wet Wing. / Okay, that's disrespectful. / It's a building, Gary. It doesn't have feelings. / It has a spirit. / No, it doesn't.

Oh, please. Please. You think this is bad? Wait till you get to London. Everything smells like urine. Even the food.

Oh, you helped with the... with the garbage? Yeah, I helped with the garbage.

Knock, knock, J Rock is in the-- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I give great talking head.

You know that they call me Jonad?

That is tantamount to calling the President Jonad.

I got lost in the double negative, sir. What?

You called me Andrew.

Gotta say, I think I handled that pretty well.

Why are you just listing hats?

What's up, you fuckin' Lorax?

Oh, these lips are on lockdown. Right. You don't know. No, I just have a 'don't ask don't tell' policy about the things that I know. Or that I don't know.

You like to have sex and you like to travel? Yes, ma'am. Then you can fuck off.

Like the mighty oak that stands for-- ma'am.

We're like Area 51 except more restricted.

Information-wise, I am becalmed.

Selina is about to get a Potal bullet through the head and you are all about to be unemployed and homeless.

If it ain't on WestWingMan, it ain't no thing, man.

Now if you will excuse me, I am at a wedding, and women at a wedding are like ripe fruit ready to drop. And I am a sex wasp.

Are you kidding? My pheromones make bitches moan. I'm gonna leave a trail right back to my apartment.

You guys are just like two little pretty Easter eggs. I'd love to crack you open.

It's a hashtag hurricane, bitch tits.

You don't think you should go fist a chimp?

What's Google's number? I don't know. Ask Jeeves.

Leave. But I work here. Not anymore.

The West Wing is part of my DNA and vice verse.

You think you've seen the end of Jonah Ryan? You haven't even seen the start of Jonah Ryan!

I'm leaving here with my head held high and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin.

Jonah Ryan, 2026! That's a mid-terms year, Jonah. Well, then, I'll change it!

A PAC-quisition, huh?

DC insider turns DC outlaw, energizing democracy, taking from the powerful and giving to the pitiful.

Old media like 'The Washington Toast' better go run and hide in the bathroom and join 'The Poo York Times.'

And now that the president's given his 'State of the Uterus' address...

Boom, boom, shake-shake the womb!

They should be called 'Puff Ho' 'cause Arianna Huffington is a straight-up ho and all they do is puff pieces.

Joke's on you, Dan, because I fucking love burritos.

These issues are like a prism. They have many sides.

My website is Ryantology.net and I'm a storyteller

I'm like John Steinbeck in that regard... or Denzel Washington

Tell me your story. Question mark.

I was kinda Amy's boss at the time. It got complicated. But she's basically a good kid.

Just sittin' on the co'ner

Quit your yakking, 'cause guess who's packin'!

I'm appealing to your better nature. / Mike, I don't have one of those.

Spin the ol' dial on Radio McClintock, see what it lands on.

That was fantastic, Mike. That was fantastic. Get up. / That was really nice. / Thank you. I owe you one. / What do you owe me for? / Because you're not gonna run it. / Mike, I'm absolutely running the story.

You forgot to say it was off the record. That's like Journalism 101.

So, the Veep's gone to Silicon Valley of the Dolls. And instead of California dreaming, she's got 'em California screaming.

'But I've been drinking that frack water, and look what it's gone done to my titty milk!' 'My baby, oh, my baby!'

Sue. Sue-ster. Sue of steel. Sue-Sue-Sue-dio.

Three pretty ladies, like Saturday night at Chez Jonah.

Hey, do you think I should go with this? I'm probably going to, but if you think I shouldn't go with it, just call me back. Okay? Call me back if I shouldn't go with it.

Oh, my God. You see these brains? See why I'm pattin' 'em? Because they are made of solid platinum.

Fuck you, Kent Davison. Fuck you, Mrs. Gravestock from the third grade. Fuck you, stepdad one and stepdad three.

I think I just had a money-gasm.

You take that chicken soup and you shove it up your soul.

I got some meat you can put in your mouth. You fuckin' asshole! Hey, you want a complimentary soda?

You fucked me, Dan. You fucked me with your face.

The spicy burrito juice.

People like me, people hire me, people date me, and people fuck me because I'm triple-A fuckin' awesome and no other reason.

Selina's gonna lose and President Maddox is gonna have you both executed!

I want a lanyard with a retractable one. Do you have any idea who I am?!

Jonah, come here. You know, sometimes I feel like there's a nine-year-old boy inside of you just operating the levers.

It's like a chicken came in your mouth.

Boom, Isabella Herrera. Boom, Liz Graham. Ace up the sleeve... booya... Ally Craig.

They all call me a dick behind my back. But, like, right behind my back so I can hear them.

God, I wish I had a dirty bomb.

You don't have to fuck him, Mom. You just have to call him.

A bit of a bitch. Be a little feisty.

How do you not just punch yourself in the face?

How do you not just punch yourself in the face?

Someone has just flown two planes into my career.

Buy yourself a gun, Mom, because America's gonna have to shoot its way out of this.

Jonah: So I'm gonna go to Africa and help install sewage systems in poor communities or whatever. Or go to Wall Street, I don't know. One of the two.

Jonah: I've never told a lie in my life. / Dan: That was a lie. Try to keep up, Egan.

Jonah: I can't denounce it. That's like Peter denouncing Christ or worse.

Jonah: 'Three-pack-of-Kleenex' Rachel?

Jonah: I couldn't be any closer to the Oval Office if I had... by some triumph of common sense... a desk actually in it.

Jonah: There's one of me fuckin' a chicken while dressed as bin Laden. / Dan: The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden? / Jonah: No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan!

Jonah: I'm like a boom op on a porn shoot right now.

Jonah: Well, then you better 'possible-ize' it, Dan.

Jonah: And henceforth they will no longer be known as 'Jonahs.' They'll be known as... Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the fuck that person's name turns out to be.

Jonah: And that I will serve you faithfully as long as you happen to be president.

Ladies be crying, pimps be dying. It's Jonah Ryan.

It doesn't reek of moisturizer and vaginal spray anymore. And that was just Dan.

Like a strap-on in a porn dungeon... rock hard and covered in pussy juice.

You know who won the war? I believe that we... we did? No, not the grunts in the front. It was the fellas behind the scenes.

Like the Catholic Church. Yeah, or an Arkansas wedding.

Oh, no, we're good. We're friends forever. All right, okay, cool. Thanks, Teddy. You're a good man, Jonah. We need guys like you, because this game takes guts. Yeah. Yeah. Right? And it takes balls.

It's great. Why are you even asking? I mean, it's so good. It's fucking... it's great. Me, Doyle. I mean, come on, Teddy. Of course, Teddy. So good over there, guys. So good.

Vampires! God, stop! If I was a ninja, you'd be dead right now. That's a life lesson courtesy of Jobi-Wan Kenobi.

I could go get you some Pringles or...

You simultaneously made my day and ruined his.

Hey, what's shakin', bacon? That's my way of saying hello, breaking the ice.

Did you know that a lot of these have expired?

I'm flying solo. I'm fucking Amelia Earhart and I'm still doing a better job than you.

You got all your Danettes and your Dangelinas.

What Scorsese film? I don't know. He's got to have a new one dropping, right? He's really prolific.

Does that mean, like, he's the epitome of an assistant or he's just an assistant's assistant?

You are in the J-Corps now and we own these hallways.

The president and I, we're like this. You know, not to scale, obviously.

Hey, Egan, is somebody gonna get fired over this AIDSnami?

I'm just waiting for the press to throw me in a pond to see if I'll float.

I could wear a child's hat.

And you know what amazing men get? - What? - Two-day weekend. - This weekend? - Yeah. - I'm going to the cottage with Wendy!

In my family, basketball is a religion. Also Catholicism. That's actually the main one.

It's for my friend's son. - Who should he make it out to? - Sue Wilson. He's named after me.

L is for ladies who play tennis, G is for guys who do other guys, B is for bisexual... I couldn't think of one to go for that... and T... - Is for tucking it in or tacking it on.

Thanks for killing my joke and then mutilating it.

Well, as my grandfather never said, let's go be inclusive.

Not fully into the blender. Maybe just a little bit. Just the toe, 'cause...

Oh, my God. I can ride her hard, hang her up wet.

Uh, Teddy's been touching me. Or tea.

he cupped my testicles. On another occasion, he patted or tapped on my testicles. And then on another occasion, he held my testicles for a significantly long time.

Hey, Catherine, about earlier. - The molesting. - What?

I'm the wheel-greaser. I'm the puppet master. A man of many nicknames. Poonslayer.

Wait, actually, it's long for Amy.

'A joke's not a joke unless everyone can laugh at it.' Response: 'This is what I have to look forward to... A bunch of fucking half-wit jokers trying to grab my balls.'

'I'm like Picasso and I'm stuck painting fences.'

'VP Doyle's a lame duck. And you know what you do with lame animals?' 'You care for them.' 'You shoot them dead.'

'Am I the only man that he...' 'As far as we know.'

'Jesus fucking Christ. You all look like me. This is a nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare.'

Jesus fucking Christ. You all look like me. This is a nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare.

That would have been a mistake. Huge mistake. It was lacrosse players.

That's exactly how it was, dumbass.

Sir, awesome and amazing had a baby and it grew up to be you.

awesome and amazing had a baby and it grew up to be you.

Come on. All I did... I just went... How can anybody not love him? He's like your dad except he's nice.

We've glanced at the numbers, sir, and at first glance they are very compelling.

I am surprised the two of you even found your way out of your own mothers' vaginas. Oh, my God, dude, I got out of there like I had a fucking map.

If you want to catch a fugitive, you got to think like a fugitive. Where's he going? Uh, to the airport. Why would he be going to the airport? To catch a plane, Dan.

That's the kind of shit that comes back to bite you when you run for office. Yeah, that's what's gonna hold you back.

I'm sorry that I misconducted myself and I will not do that in to the future.

Dan Egan is a solid five and a half, weak six.

I mean, you could have Googled that.

we set fire to the wicker Dan.

You make it sound like there's a correlation between what should happen and what actually happens.

My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that. That's a good nickname.

I was touched. Who touched you? I would rather not say at this time. Or any.

he touched me in a private place.

It was... it was around the other side.

Similarly with Ms. Brookheimer's dress. She can't have believed that this would work. She never looks this humble.

Like an Xbox.

My... spheres were always clothed.

But Jonah Ryan is strong. And if Jonah Ryan can help one man who is dealing with workplace sexual harassment, then this entire ordeal will have been worth it.

Hey, wait, it's the testicle man. Guilty as charged. Check 'em, don't neglect 'em.

What was that? I got, like, four seconds. Well, most people get just two.

Just remember, check 'em, don't neglect 'em. Nice. You guys remember the A-Team, right? A-Team? 'I'm the A-Team.'

they were supposed to be on the run, but, you know, they were in a really distinctive van. Yeah, what was up... What was up with that?

We need to give them a hit of political meth.

This is highly enriched weapons-grade bullshit.

She's Uncle Dursley and she's got the great wizard Harry Potter living under the staircase. Do you see that? But what happens in the Harry Potter books? He rises up and he kills all the muggles. I don't think that's what happens.

Cliff, my plate is just full of shit right now and I'd like for you to clean that.

You guys have Michael Jordan sitting on the bench here, but you're starting Hakeem Olajutwat.

I'm gonna be pulling down Clint Eastwood cowboy movie style pussy in these things. Except I'm not the man with no name. I'm the man with mo' game.

Alav hashalom. Hebrew.

Ned Mitchell died in 2006. And the 'Las Vegas Gazette' stopped publishing in 2007.

which is not a newspaper, it's a legal brothel. But she did seem excited to help the campaign in whichever way she could.

which is not a newspaper, it's a legal brothel. But she did seem excited to help the campaign in whichever way she could

Alzheimer's or no, I image-searched Susan Bailey and she is legit fuckable.

I'm sure that showing your anus gets you into all your regular social clubs, but this is the White House mess

You want me to run for the seat.

Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, I set foot on this path that you have laid before me with a strong arm and a willing heart to totally rock this shit. Amen.

Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick.

I'm a MRSA infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan.

it's not my fault if Cousin Lezra ends up eating my nut dust and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel.

Do you morons really not understand that this is a two-way mirror?

I work in the fucking West Wing, you Pepperidge Farm ad motherfuckers.

Some straight up JFK level shit.

Copyright shit went out with the Zune.

Copyright shit went out with the Zune.

Holy shit, are you here to beg me for a job?

She's a retired second grade teacher, for Christ's sake. / Yeah, who sucks and gives too much homework.

I guess when he had cancer, the doctors removed his ability to stop doing his kid's babysitter.

I don't recall that macaroni portrait, Mrs. Sherman.

Did you hear that dig about the macaroni portrait? Can you fucking believe that?

You know, Selina Meyer is a second-rate mediocrity whose only achievement is single-handedly tanking the economy. But somehow we're the losers doing anal with each other?

You know, Selina Meyer is a second-rate mediocrity whose only achievement is single-handedly tanking the economy.

Guess he couldn't get a babysitter. Or could he?

Check out the tits in the third row. I could dribble those things like basketballs.

I am on a career rocket ship to Mars right now, Dan, except I'm gonna leave Matt Damon there because the guy made potatoes in his own shit like a fucking animal.

Well, as the late, great Lionel Richie once said, 'Oh, what a feeling, I am dancing on the debt ceiling.'

I don't know. Maybe I was supposed to learn it in the second grade, but my teacher was a fucking bitch.

So why does your shirt say Jon H Ryan? - Fuck.

People like you, you look like us, but there's a little piece missing. You're like a different species and one that I hope gets struck from the Earth because you're a bully and Jonah Ryan stands up to bullies.

Hi, ma'am, I just arrived here in Winter Blunderland.

No, I don't interact well with hag-ass old bitches.

I'm sorry, Mom.

Does she choke for Coke?

Pow, pow. Who should I vote for? You can't teach that.

I can elect a Muslim AIDS virus. A terrorist fucking AIDS virus in the tiniest suicide vest ever made, I could make it governor of New Hampshire.

Like Jessica Thompson. Hey, Jessica. Jessica, I see you there. Yeah, it's been a long time since high school. I like what you did with your hair. Do you like what I did with my life?

I went home with a congressional fan girl last night. I don't have my car. I think I'm in Maryland.

Shh! She's got a fucking parrot, and if the parrot wakes up, the parrot's gonna make noise and wake up her mom.

I don't know how to drop a fucking pin.

She's on the math team.

She already told me she was a senior at Georgetown. Turns out she meant Georgetown Day School.

How am I doing? Eating so much pussy I'm shitting clit, son.

You big lesbo.

The gentleman from New Hampshire puts forth onto the floor a do-over, thank you.

No, New Hampshire is just a fancy word for 'it's cold outside, so I don't shave my pubes.'

Hot interns means girls. How the fuck do you not know that?

I want you guys to get used to two things... killing it daily on the Hill and nights rated PG-squirteen.

but you have a lump on your left testicle. I just want to biopsy it and we can take it from there. - Take what from where?

I'm married. I have the ring hiding under the gloves. No, I saw it. No. Oh

Dessert is an apple. I mean, it's no wonder kids are shooting up schools with lunches like these.

The only green bean I ate was a green jelly bean and I grew up to be so tall, my stupid mom had to get a different car.

I will fight against green beans the same way that I fought against my deadly disease called cancer.

I even got four and a half pity handies out of it, so I kept shaving.

Just because I look like a penis.

I am a balling bachelor sexual congressman, and I will be passing bills by day and smashing gash by night.

Hey, do you know how they remove a cancerous testicle? No. A lot of people think that they just slice one off, right? What they really do is they make an incision just a little bit further up, and they go in and they grab the testicle, and they pull it out of the scrotum and out through the body.

I will give you my sperm. / Oh, great! / Yeah. / I thought that would take a lot longer.

Well, well, well. If it isn't the prodigal traitor come back home to suck on my giant congressional ball

No. He's a prison magnet

The big hand points to the noon and the little hand points to the... Well, fuck, it's the... God, it's 10:00 AM.

Getting paid, getting laid, son. Zero dollars and one cent.

Did you have a stroke, you weird asshole man?

I set my watch back for Daylight Savings Time. You set your watch the wrong way. No, it's spring. I 'springed' backwards.

I've had my own bedtime since I was 17. I didn't need a babysitter then and I don't need one now, and it's high time that the government stop trying to babysit all of us.

Daylight Saving... not plural... Time has never saved us from anything, certainly not the higher energy costs it promised to lower.

Failure to thrive at birth... fuck that. Puberty at 19. When it hit, it hit like a fucking thunderbolt. Third grade reading level in the tenth grade.

No, I'm gonna look like that old popcorn homo.

One time, my mom brought in my breakfast an hour late like an idiot, so I just threw it on the floor and I said, 'Mom, if I wanted to eat this, I would've eaten it an hour ago.'

I ended up having to poop in a Sunoco bathroom.

Hamilton wasn't a president. ... Then why the fuck did they write a musical about him?!

No, he was our first Puerto Rican president.

I am the white Hamilton of the Jeffersons.

Hanukkah. - Canaan, Rabbi. Shut up, Nikhil.

This stupid hat is too small for my head. - Yarmulke. - Fine, this stupid hat is too small for my yarmulke.

Oh, good, 'cause all this learning is giving me a yarmulke ache.

Oh, Jesus Christ! I'm sorry, I can say that now and still get into heaven, right? Actually, Jonah, Jews don't believe in heaven.

Shut the fuck up, Nikhil! Wait, Shawnee, how am I gonna see my dog again? Is there, like, a Jew place for dogs?

God, how can anybody jerk off to her with him sitting right there? - I'm sure you'll find a way, Congressman.

Maybe I'm gonna go hire some women, and I'm gonna make them date me.

Everyone was unless you're a mole person who was cast out of his underground society for keistering sewer rats. - I wasn't invited. - I know.

Well, it's your casa white-o, as you would say.

You haven't heard the last of Jonah Ryan.

Cutting aid to Israel! - Whoa, no! We're not gonna do that. Are you crazy? - Cutting aid to veterans. - Great! - They volunteered, right?

Well, well, well, sorry, boys, no votes today on legalizing tiny Fleshlights for micro wangs. Except for you, Gellardi. I'd wager it takes a whole roll of duct tape to strap down your hog of a cock.

And when something's broken, you shut it down, and then you turn it back on again like with a router.

Hey, Dan, look at my sandwich. Remind you of Jane?

You said on-air that Bruce Hornsby was a member of the Grateful Dead. / He was a touring member from '90 to '92. He never officially joined.

Jesus Christ, it's not like I'm gonna rape the president. / Oh! / I'm sorry, did you just say you aren't going to rape the president?

Yeah, but I only have two months left of those Jiffy Jew classes. And after that, it's snip, snip, snip.

It's only got four wheels and there's no fucking hot tub in the back.

We're gonna fuck bitches till they in stitches. Actually, I'm just kidding. I got engaged.

9-11, bitches! We're gonna fly two planes into the club!

when I was in high school, I used to pretend to be sick to stay home and jerk off to Jane McCabe.

He's pissing himself!

I know how to spell my last name, Kent.

Are you fucking kidding? I'm not in here. I ruined her administration, like, four times. You'd think that'd count for something.

Whoa, I'm only up five on Skeevy Deevy?

I went to summer camp with that dude and he was too afraid to get changed in front of the other boys.

It was you. How do you know, Kent? Were you at that summer camp?

What's up, white boys? Yo, you guys ready to drop that rock?

Oh, God, who the fuck invited Dikembe Mutomtard?

That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée.

Is that before or after I scheduled the surgery to cut my dick off so you could marry me?

See, the box is empty to show that all you need to be happy is right here. - Well, that's stupid. - Yeah, it was a waste of $30.

In two years, I'm gonna run against my motard cousin, Ezra

Can I petition for a recall against Ezra? - Unequivocally, no. - That's a great idea. - That's awesome.

I'll let you be Aquaman. No tidal wave.

It's like that fagela cowboy movie. 'I can't quit you.' - Yes, thank you, sir. Butch and Sundance.

And Puerto Rico... if they can vote for president...

Judiciary, legislative, and there's a third.

Why was six afraid of seven? Why? Because of my seven-eight-nine tax plan.

You know what I always thought the funniest number was? Eleven.

Yeah, Beth's my stepsister. - Did you guys not know that?

It's not like Beth and I did anything, unless you count her walking in while I was whackin' off all the time.

This doin' anything for you? Huh, right there? You like that? Not even a little tickle?

It's not like I murdered her.

I married my half-sister. - No, stepsister!

She doesn't give birth to a pile of legs or whatever.

Those hands are for making me Hot Pockets and nothing else.

Wow. It always has to be about her. / Never fails. / Every time.

It's pretty good, right? / It's great, thank you. / She's a lesbian. / No, we get it. / We get the joke.

Well, that could be anybody. / Sounds like you.

Oh, Schnozz? She was stuck up, I was just callin' her on it.

Oh, Monster Tits and Monster Tits, Jr.? But all I did there was express some genuine concern that they had bras big enough to handle all that meat. / At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast. / Yeah. It was exactly what Jesus would have done.

Yeah. It was exactly what Jesus would have done. I mean, he's a man too, Teddy.

You are a stone-cold, neck-down hottie. I want the whole world to know we dated.

I split the bill on all my dates. Why would I pay for a girl to get fatter?

God, Jamaican jerk Jesus, just sign this! / No, Teddy! Jonah Ryan will not be silenced.

A lot of you knew me when I was really little and I was just running around in diapers. And now here we are, and a lot of you are wearin' diapers.

Thousands of unattractive women.

Then why am I not in prison for punching the president?

I'm Jonah Ryan, and I wanna suck this message's hot clam.

He did a really funny Chinese voice. Yeah, I expressed how horny I was.

Well, I don't see vagina color.

It is literally the definition of retarded.

Why, is he retarded? No, but you might be.

No. My pediatrician ran the tests. Besides, if I was, you'd know. I'd have retard face or whatever.

Um... mentally retarded? No, that-- that's wrong. I see where your head is at, though, and you are technically correct.

That's so gay. Oh, guys, come on. I didn't mean like gay gay or like 'This guy and his husband are gay.' I meant gay like, uh, mentally retarded.

Are you deaf? Did you not hear what he was saying? What is wrong with you? Are you fuckin' retarded?!

What the fuck? I gotta debate Dumbledong?

I'm sorry, you can't say that. I mean, only he can say that.

Say what, 'Niger'? It doesn't matter how you pronounce it, we now know that it is wrong.

I think that the United States should send troops into countries like N-word, and I think it would be best if those troops were black.

I just found out from my stupid stepfather-- Father-in-law! From my stupid stepfather-in-law, that math was created by Muslims.

OK, I'm gonna go hang myself from a sturdy pipe, and I'm not even gonna bother jacking off.

Don't math me, Lloyd.

Math is a plot invented by the Chinese to make smart Americans feel dumb.

You were invented by Islamic scholars in the 7th century.

Oh! Saint Theresa's gray-haired gunt, they're fucking again?!

When are you and I gonna have that pussy-eating contest?

I mean, did you at least watch Martin? 'Damn, Gina!' We should go.

because my mind's on my money... and my money's on my mind. Laid back.

It's like the fat girl of Cabinet posts.

You know who else thinks that I don't have the intelligence or the 'tentrament' to be president?

Algebra? More like Al Jazeera.

Oh, yeah! This is like looking in a mirror! / Yeah, a hot mirror.

No, I told Beth that we could go to Arkansas so she could give me a hand job in a hot spring. It's my birthday.

Thirty-eight dollars? That's like a shitty gift that you get from your asshole grandmother.

- Whatever. I'd still do her. - I'm down to clown.

Youngblood? Oh, that's my favorite Rob Lowe movie.

When are you from? When! Are! You! From?!

Oh, yeah. No, that makes sense, I was born in Toronto.

♪ Puss-ay-ay-yay ♪ ♪ In that puss-ay-ay-yay ♪

Name: Jonah Joy Ryan. Weight: six pounds. Length: twenty-six inches. Yeah, that's right, twenty-six inches.

Lloyd is my real dad? Of course he is. I tried to tell you a hundred times, Jonie.

We didn't tell anyone because Lloyd and I are second cousins. God, Mom, that is vomitrocious.

Hey, Siri, you fuck my dad? Siri: I don't know how to respond to that. Typical woman.

You infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccinations! Well, serves 'em right.

Were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons? Amy, that only works with fleshy melons. And sometimes pumpkins.

I hate you so much I could walk into a supermarket and shoot everybody.

I hate you so much I could walk into a supermarket and shoot everybody.

OK, you can be my dad. I can be what? You can be my dad if you want. I love you too, Daddy. No homo.

Fuck me with a side of ranch.

Two generations of scabs, yo!

Hey, Mom, will you make us some pancakes? Go to the store to make pancakes! Both: Pancakes! Pancakes!

And I guess I don't even know if I liked him that much, because he probably woulda sucked like all of my other step-dads. And I don't care that he's dead, because I am very strong.

And when I say Lord, I mean Jesus Christ Almighty, not the Jewish one.

He had this carne asada that I think was a family recipe. That guy stays.

ABC News is doing a piece on presidential also-rans who can almost suck their own dicks.

This is a horrific country that is falling apart because it is full of people who are different than me.

I thought you told my mom to sell me to a child molester and use the money to get her tubes tied.

You pile of failure shaped like a rapist! - I am not shaped like a rapist!

You know, feminism.

Started from the bottom, now we here.

He's a super Veep. Super Veep, he's super Veepy. Yow!

God damn it! I'm just gonna pop my head in.