Mike McLintock

The inter-nerds are on it.

Yeah, is that a poppy seed there in your teeth?

He has so many tubes in him, he looks like a set of bagpipes.

Uh, don't tell me what to do, Doogie Fucking Howser.

You looked tired a lot and the hat.

Oh, Dan is a shit. You want to expand on that? Sure. He's a massive and total shit.

When you first meet him, you think surely to God this man can't be as big a shit as he seems, but he is. 'Cause like if there were a book with covers made of shit, you'd think, 'That's intriguing. I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit to give it covers made of pure shit.' And then you open it and... shit.

I'll redact your fucking face.

What if Tom Hanks dies? I'm not wishing that. I'm saying anything could happen... Tom Hanks could die, there could be a forest fire in L.A.

She's not funny. Of course I know that.

If I were writing a memoir, which I'm not, but if I were, whew, this would be a big moment.

For me, that was 12 years of marriage.

Yeah, you could be legally electrocuted for doing that, just so you know.

His Facebook status is 'may God have mercy on my boxers.'

We now go over live to the Vice President for her pissed-off reaction.

You have on a very sweaty shirt. By golly, I do.

So you, my friend, have your cock out at a funeral.

My balls are comprehensively busted here. I'm down to my reserve pair.

From now on, you bleached, plucked asshole, I am your fucking Siamese stalker.

simon? what an unbelievable name. i guess he just looked like a simon.

ha! leave my fake dog alone.

this is not the hoover dam. yeah, it is the hoover dam... filled with shit.

he was rapey reeves. when was that guy ever respectful?

oh, holy shit. these mushrooms are amazing. what is it, mike? must be ricotta or something in there.

it's just a hypothetical like yours.

last two on the deck of the titanic, huh? yeah, i think i might jump.

Do I look like a kindergarten teacher to you, Mike? Actually, yes.

That's sweat. That's lip sweat. / That's shimmer.

Hello, penis enlargement clinic.

No, they don't.

You can't just make up acronyms, Jonah. Somebody has to, Mike.

What do you call that? Bi-casual? Thanks, Mike, but it's Sunday. I work hard, I work fast, and I get hot legs. I say let the whale hang loose.

Converse generally? What about? The weather? / Not about the weather. / It is unseasonably warm, though, okay?

You want to break out the white, pointy hoods, too, ma'am?

Once you go down that dark country road, the lights go out and the scarecrows come to life.

You know, democracy is fantastic, but it is also fucking dull.

Undressing me with your eyes. - I'm adding more clothes, Mike.

Firefighters have a passion for their work. Arsonists just have a burning desire.

Fire safety guy asked me the other day, 'do I smoke in bed? And I said, 'I've never had any complaints.'

Too shock? Too shock?

Maybe he's just flakey like Gary's feet.

My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it...

How's the weather up there in your asshole?

The best thing for her legacy is if she's assassinated before she starts showing.

I'd like to free that boy from the prison of obesity.

I believe he was reassigned because of his cologne. It was Paco Rabanne.

That's like carbon offsetting.

Did you put it in your mouth?

I said she's repugnant. I said Selina's repugnant.

I have a black belt in Mike Kwan Do

Hands off the suit

Well, this is good for us. Nicely done, Dandroid

Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say. That's deep space cold, Dan. Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen

Why would you be writing that down?

So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed the nipples out of this fucking thing

Your back facials. Oh. Back facials? What? Yeah, I get back acne. Backne

You've got to put black marker over all the words

Yes, sir. Went to Iraq with the veep. Presented a Thanksgiving turkey. I was there. No fire as I recall. No, but the line was there

Does he ever say anything funny?

Security guys are supposed to be like wallpaper. They're not supposed to be grinning like some ape

This is what happens when you tell the truth. Nothing good comes of it

This is gonna cause a total potal meltdown

Do you mean un-redacting? Taking the black off

Oh, we got fired

Knockity knock knock knock. Peep you later

You know, my papaw used to say, 'it's always darkest before the storm.' It's always darkest before the dawn. And then he would kiss me.

I engineered Selina crying on camera. I'm the puppet master. I'm Pinocchio. Pinocchio wasn't the puppet master, Mike. He was the puppet.

This is all I've ever wanted. This is all I've never wanted.

Like she's ever gonna need that. I mean, she's not ugly, but she's got a lot of security.

I have a cracked keel, I have to dry-dock it. There's a bilge, which I don't even know where the fuck...

Oh, yeah, it's in the office next to your Klonopin and feminine itch powder.

You can't reason with him. It'd be like explaining Supertramp to a Komodo dragon.

Much like when Bigfoot got your mom pregnant, resulting in you.

Not a problem. Uh, an issue. Not even an issue. A hitch. You had a drinking hitch?

I get that all the time. - No, you don't.

This must be the first pet project of yours that didn't involve resorting to chloroform.

Oh. And your boxers occasionally, I hope. I have a fresh pair every day now.

If Owen Wilson's not in it, I probably don't know it. That doesn't sound like one of Owen's.

Well, we've had happier conversations. Like when I told her her grandpa had died. Oh, she didn't like him, huh? No, that's not what I meant.

Most Jews in this country are fine with pork, Mr. Davison. Pork schmork, they often say.

Ma'am, you need to make like a snake and get on that airplane.

Robust is a good word. And you don't hear it often, like bumptious.

Robust makes me think of wine. It's actually how I like my reds.

It's time to robust a nut all over this place.

Stick a thermometer up Washington's ass. See how much heat I just created. - Parting the cheeks.

What's the opposite of constipated, Mike? - Relieved. - No. Relieved is not the opposite of constipated, Mike.

Sue made it. - Sure. It's there, too.

Or Moby or Bigfoot.

robust is like a rock and aggressive is like paper. Oh, shoot, paper covers rock.

I'm imagining you in a bathtub full of rose petals.

Think of me as a cheerleader, Mike. - Oh, God. I'm imagining you in a bathtub full of rose petals.

I guarantee you they're better than my shitty legs. I hate my legs. In fact, if I had the choice...

What rhymes with majority? Nothing. Come on, you still working on that funny song about the new Speaker? - Give it a break. - Oh, priority. And authority. Sorority. Oh, my God, there's a million words that rhyme with it.

Look where Jonah's coming from. Oh, that grin, the keys. Oh, God. He's been given West Exec parking. Yeah, the holy grail of parking.

We're all being hit by deadlines, right, Mike? Yes, sir. They can swing around and smack you like a boom.

Nothing fancy, but she gets the job done. You know, like a cast-iron skillet or Kevin Bacon.

You don't talk powerboating to us sailors, Dan. What's the fucking difference?

That would have made people piss in their pants.

Comedy songs are the mark of a douchebag. You're wrong. You know why? Three words... Weird Al Yankovic. Shit Al Yankoshit.

He's half robot, half robot. - He's a robot.

In college there was only one girl that was interested in me. And it turns out she was actually a lesbian.

This is like a wildlife documentary. Jonah in his natural habitat. He might defecate in a bush.

Uh, no, you don't want me, sir. You do want Dan. - He's great. - I've got a big bounce coming on. I can feel it. I'm like you.

Ma'am. Ma'am, please don't let him take me. I don't want to go to numbers camp. / I can't help you. Just let go. / Please. Please. Let go of me, all right?

I don't make impressions, ma'am. I've literally lived with people who insist I was never there.

I become Mike, you become an ugly me.

I do have a summary of the summary that's great.

Imminent...al.

You have to pretend that you're charming. It doesn't matter if the jokes are weak, keep it loose. Deliberately bad jokes. It's kind of genius.

Deliberately bad jokes. It's kind of genius.

Don't worry, buddy. I can cover for you. Remember, I lie for a living. Yeah, but you don't do it well and nobody believes you.

I think I caught it on a plane once.

Christ, I hate knowledge.

She wasn't mocking Europeans. I would say the song was jesty.

Okay, slow down, Leon. Is your blood sugar off? Have a pastry or some herring, okay?

This isn't 'Meyer the Liar' again. Well, it is now.

I wonder how much vodka we'd need to have to have a little Mrs. Robinson moment. That is extremely disrespectful. What are you talking about? That's like the highest compliment you can give somebody.

Monsters. It's like first Princess Diana, now this.

You know, as people say, if it rhymes, it chimes. Who says that? No one says that. I'm pretty sure I heard someone say that.

He's like Spock. He doesn't show his emotions. Ever? Ever? No, not even then.

Dan only laughed when security guy fell off Segway, followed by 'Is laughter an emotion?'

Or he tried to fuck the bear. Like Grizzly Adams. / Enjoying yourselves? / We were. / Are you laughing at the violent death of a young man? / Yeah, pretty much.

There's not a happy bear in show business. Or he tried to fuck the bear.

When I said fault, I meant that it wasn't your husband's fault because bears are naturally hungry. Does that make sense? Hello? Hello?

Oh, Andrew's been veep-fucking? You knew about this?

Amy, when my memaw used to find herself getting snappy, she would sing her favorite song. ♪ Oh, I wish I were in the land of cotton ♪

Oh, pathetic.

She's stuck on a call with the Australian ambassador.

Unless you want to go down there and sing them a chorus of Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee, you can't go downstairs.

I think I got that off a Catholic schoolgirl once.

I was born to liaise, sir.

I changed the 'hallelujah' to 'jalapeño.'

Did we warn her one of the Get Moving ambassadors was a one-legged veteran?

Oh, God, this zipper is like a cheese grater on my dick.

That's like trying to have sex with somebody who's passed out.

I thought you were adopted.

The father figure my own dad was too weird and distant to be.

I was this close to living on my boat.

Was your mom plagiarizing the Bible when she said, 'Oh, God, oh, God'?

Man, you guys should all marry Wendy. I feel amazing.

Isn't she funny? We crack up all the time. Even when we're having sex.

He does bring baby wipes everywhere. You never know if we're gonna need 'em when we...

I am but a satellite caught in the gravity of your planet, Wendy.

I got about a half inch for you. You exaggerate.

We put a penny in a jar every time we have sex. We've already got like 15 in there.

We put a penny in a jar every time we have sex. We've already got like 15 in there. - 17? - 17.

Leon, today is a very high-pressure day, and as you know me, I don't even like high-pressure showers.

Jonad! Jonad!

Yeah, not some pissant who narrowcasts libelous poison from his mother's phone.

I'm going to have your credentials checked, Jonad.

This is like Black Friday at Wal-Mart.

Her? Just beat cancer. / Yeah, but not a bad one. An easy one, like finger or skin. Not one of the hard ones.

'Ooh, I just made an omelet, I'm a hero!'

Amy was born to be with kids. / Well, peeing is fun!

This is unbelievable. / I know, and I apologize if we have wasted your time. / No, you ain't wasted nobody's time. We gonna use that time to kick your ass.

I'm angry too, I wanna kick my own ass. I'll do it for you. I've punched myself in the face before. I ran into a wall once.

Ow! I'm trying to help you, you stupid cow!

Where I grew up, my dad called my mom a cow all the time. It's not bad, it's homey and friendly. 'I love you, baby, you're a cow.'

I'm appealing to your better nature. / Mike, I don't have one of those.

That was fantastic, Mike. That was fantastic. Get up. / That was really nice. / Thank you. I owe you one. / What do you owe me for? / Because you're not gonna run it. / Mike, I'm absolutely running the story.

Jonah, you are the dick that keeps on giving!

I'm the cow! / You are. / I'm the cow! / Moo!

I'm calling this 'Pacific Trim.' - You know what 'trim' is? - Yeah? - It's twat.

Mike, I am balls deep in this omelet.

Not the whole bag. A specimen cup full of little Mikes.

All my 'troops' are in a cold bag now, okay? I just gotta get them to the doctor so he can begin the assault on 'Egg Mountain.'

So everybody knows that I was in there masturbating into a cup now?

Thanks for sending me the speech, Mike. It's perfect... - Great. - ...ly shit.

Your first drafts are always terrible. - That's my fourth. - Oh, God.

How about I have the veep put her arms like in 'Platoon' and scream, 'Why?' Too wordy?

Marimba... that alarm that's on your phone when you wake up. It's like, 'Wake up, America!'

How the fuck do you screw up a handshake, Mike? It's four fingers and a thumb.

It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy.

People don't elect elves, okay? They put them to work in grottos or they get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them.

'Strap-on Selina,' 'Selina Navratilova,' 'fingering the dyke.'

A blind woman? Oh, Wendy. I'll text her.

Hey, 'Dan Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.' How's it going, buddy? You gonna self-harm? Can I live stream it?

He should have been there when the tank was on fire. God, how does this kid feed himself?

She's got a problem with an anal gland. I'm talking about the dog.

I can't tell you about FLOTUS. FLOTUS is a no-go-tus.

But that's what marriage is-- a conflict of interests. No. Marriage is being able to tell each other everything

What the hell is a legitimate hole? Well, don't get me started.

She is downplaying them, ma'am.

She thinks it looks folksy, but she really looks like Dustin Hoffman on a crate.

I gotta go make noises out of my face hole or whatever it is I do.

Oh, God, yes, you can... be.

Let's find us a house, Wendy, where we can keep ducks. For us and the ducks.

I was gonna raise ducks.

Mike: (yells) President of the United States!

Mike: I'm not talking about this first female president thing. I'm talking about the first redhead press secretary.

Mike: Uh, 'Mike McLintock, why are you so darn handsome?' / (press corps laughing) / Uh, why are you laughing at that one?

Mike: My bit about gun control killed. My bit about voter ID laws identified itself as hilarious.

Mike: This is like Kathy Bates in 'Misery.'

Mike: Sounds like the theme from 'Psycho.'

Mike: Leslie Nielsen. Leslie Frazier, the coach for the Vikings... / Selina: Huh? / Mike: Doesn't matter. You're... good speech.

Mike: I mean, we all make mistakes... just ask your mom and dad. (laughs)

Mike: Otherwise I'd have to have you killed. (laughs)

Mike: She looks like she's in 'Flashdance.' / Kent: 'Thai lady-boy made head of sweatshop.'

Mike: Our Lord Jesus started with 12. He didn't win New Hampshire, either.

If I make it to 50, I can quit fruit for good.

How many is that? This would be my second.

You big lady racist.

That's files Mike11A1 and Mike11A11. That's for my reference.

That was the actual President of the United States. It never stops being cool.

Don't blame me for this, Amy. Don't shoot the messenger. I just gave you the message. You're being shot by the messenger.

I got recognized on the street today. Guy had already met me and then forgot that he met me and then recognized me from TV and then remembered me again.

I don't like to swear, guys, but I think the S is about to hit the F.

The shit is gonna hit the fuck? No, F is for fan, Mike, not fuck. Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck.

Ha ha ha! I've done it! I rule so hard.

My entire career just flashed before my eyes. It was incredibly impressive.

Well, she just announced a dead guy's plan. He's not fucking dead.

I call it Tangerine Dream.

This was just a preemptive cleaning, much like a juice cleanse.

Cleansed is not the right word. Wiped. No, not wiped. Cleaned.

I particularly love this color here. I think this is so pretty, don't you? I believe the title is 'Massacre.'

And... the girl, that is, has HIV.

You're right, I didn't.

You leave a gap. We're not piss buddies.

Imagine being detained for two weeks just 'cause you're a journalist and a shithead.

It's a good job we had nothing to do with his being detained. - Yeah, wouldn't that be terrible? - Mm-hmm.

It's the one and only time anyone's ever gonna say that.

She's fucking nuts.

They got the shakes so bad, I think I see the plane rattling.

These guys could be drinking jet fuel.

Maybe that's 'cause they invented numbers, huh?

See that? Catlike reflexes.

He is the asshole of an asshole's asshole.

A face I never thought I'd want to kiss. - I still don't.

Yeah, I'll have something to say about it on TripAdvisor. - Worst minibar ever.

Both countries had to deny the visit, but now we confirm. Wait, both countries? Uh, his English isn't very good.

That is bad. - Yeah. - That is bad. - It is bad. And Leon wanting to say it's bad is really bad. It's worse.

Pardonne. Pardonne. - That's French!

I've never had strong feelings for a plane, but right now I would cheat on Wendy with that thing.

Jesus Christ, the Chinese can 3-D print a hundred houses in that time.

We've got about 10 seconds to drink everything and then eat the bottles.

I'm not gonna make it to the cottage, Wendy. I'm in Iran.

He's half dead. - Half dead? - Yeah, he's been half-acuted.

Like being decapitated but surviving. Happens to chickens a lot.

Like Evel Knieval. - Yeah. - No, better. Lovely Knovley.

This is the best announcement since all those pandas got pregnant.

'No, what I said was Amy Brookheimer had issues, not problems. No, she got mad. She's not mentally mad.'

No, she got mad. She's not mentally mad.

Fun fact... The Wright brothers used their bicycle repair shop to make the first airplane. - I knew that.

'We have the full power of the National Weather Service, Mike.' 'Sure, but this is a really good app.'

'Fun fact... scopolamine was first used as a truth serum by the Czechoslovakian state police. How is that fun?'

'Well... it's either surprisingly little or surprisingly a lot.'

It was actually free. I updated my software and it just appeared on my screen. And I was like, 'What is this thing?' And I just picked it up.

Just like that Jesus guy.

It's like if dogs could talk.

words don't kill people, unlike guns, which can and did. Which is bad. It's so bad.

I don't have a magic car or whatever he had.

The Meyer campaign used the health records of dead children to target and appeal to voters who were recently bereaved parents.

The Meyer campaign used the health records of dead children to target and appeal to voters who were recently bereaved parents.

What I don't know, I can't lie about. Including this, whatever this is.

I didn't hear any of this because the acoustics are so bad.

I didn't hear any of this 'cause I have a really bad case of tinnitus, especially when discussing morally dubious things. So it's kind of like sinnitus.

Wish I could hear what you were saying over that incessant drilling sound.

See you later, ghosts of staffers past.

She sounds like an underwater Bob Dylan.

How do you leave a memo in your sleep?

Uh, I was getting some medicine. What kind of medicine? Um, it's knee medicine.

Crouch Cream. But that's not right. It's a white tube with a red label. I'm sure an intern could research this. It has a silhouette of a horse on it. I don't know why the horse is on there. I guess horses probably have good knees.

Knee-Z. Knee-Z Cream. I don't think that's it. It's searchable. I'm very positive.

you want to give me your number? Or I'll just send it to myself.

I guess that's why they say don't work with animals or technology. I mean, that's why 'Jaws' was such a nightmare shoot. I mean, mechanical shark, forget it.

Oh, Knee Free. That's the cream. Knee Free, if you...

Probably about them... you know, mating.

I mean, why are you throwing pebbles at a tank?

You know, that lady, she could govern herself through leprosy.

Oh, man, election nights are my cocaine. It used to be election nights and cocaine were my cocaine, but...

The agency says she's either 16 months or three years old.

It's called POTUS. Pimple of the United States. There are 220,000 followers as of five minutes ago. How many Twitter followers do I have? Approaching that.

18,000 steps. I am Chinese baby ready.

We're gonna name her Ellen after Wendy's mom. Actually, her stepmom. She has a difficult relation...

misunderstood your level of interest, sorry.

You are looking at a guy on the master cleanse. I feel amazing.

Not exactly take.

I'm feeling light-headed. That bottle's my only source of blood sugar.

Uh, he's a Charlie Baird.

Oh, loving it. Want another one? - Yeah, I do. - I'm really sorry. - I'm really, really, really sorry. - Now sing it.

Sorry, Kent, Salt and Moon, new restaurant.

Well, Sue uses my name for POTUS reservations, so when I call, I get an amazing table.

Please, Marjorie, please. I have to talk to the president. - Please take a step back.

Hi, ma'am. If you hear this, do not tweet. - Mike, what are you doing?

I just direct messaged Charlie. - No, it was public. Everybody saw it on Twitter.

I pushed that feather button. - I know, you tweet... that's a tweet.

Actually, ma'am, I have a better idea. - No, you don't, Mike. History has proven that.

You know, Wendy and I have been meeting with surrogates. She is so excited about my sperm being in another woman. It's weird.

It was just a cold sore, honey. I don't want to pay 40 grand for a herpes baby.

Yes... yes. I mean, a lot of people think that I'm Jewish, but that... no.

Our Lady... / ...of the Holy Womb... / ...of the Holy Womb. / ...Womb of Jesus.

I can turn around, ma'am.

I hate to admit it, but sometimes I'm scared of Wendy. She still has a great rack, though.

No problem. Fastest gun in DC.

Oh, hey, is it possible to get salmonella if you were to make love in a turkey's bed? I should add the turkeys were no longer there.

is it possible to get salmonella if you were to make love in a turkey's bed?

That's the literal definition of bailing something out. / There will be no bailouts.

That we know of.

You wouldn't know the smart move if it bent you over and fucked you with a Coke bottle.

I was talking to her about how Wendy paid off my student loans and how I love her for it.

That sort of coarse language is far beneath the dignity of this room.

Drop the puck? - Common hockey term.

Oh, I just heard the buzzer. That is the end of the third period. See you at the next face-off.

Maybe you ride the pine on this one for a period or two.

You noticed the hockey references? Shit, I thought they were seamless.

After the national elections, the president may have found herself with a bad lie in the rough, but after stabilizing the economy, the House vote is starting to look like a gimme putt.

You can't go in with a plan. The knife tells you.

You need to be quick and you need to sort of, uh, I don't even know what the word is.

I stake my reputation on this. Selina Meyer will never be vice president ever, ever again.

Yeah, she seems really, really large for a baby. - I was a tall kid when I was three.

Two eggs, hard scrambled. Red pepper strips? No, no, no, no, no. Not what you ate, Mike.

I thought I'd never work again. [...] Me, too!

That's my daughter, ma'am.

Maybe a female candidate. Well, we're not redoing a kitchen, here, you know?

Oh, shit! Oh, my God. No, no, we're not hiding anymore. Oh, she's too much! How the fuck long was that kid here for?

I went to find a hotel room, right? Nobody speaks English here, everything was really confusing to me, and I was chased by children. And I think I may have voted.

I accidentally voted and now my thumb is green. - The same thing happened to me! Oh, my God! - Oh, my God, oh, my God.

The same thing happened to me! Oh, my God! / Oh, my God, oh, my God. / How did it happen?

I can't afford to lose this job, Gary, but I can't afford to keep it either. I mean, it so expensive to commute from DC. And I haven't been paid yet.

Hey, Gary, can I sleep on your couch? - No. - Hard no? - It's a hard no.

If it was any more Kennedy-esque, it would drive you into the ocean

there is absolutely no validity to the rumor that the president is being considered for the seat

I just habitually deny everything these days. It gets me in trouble with Wendy, too

The other day, I flushed a comb down the toilet

as a female, do you feel that... - Pass!

What time? / Memoir time. / Oh, God.

CNN just came out with their speculative list of nominees for the open Supreme Court seat... and they have you as a long shot's long shot

Both of them went to town on me. It was brutal. I cried so hard, I threw up, but it was the best thing I've ever done.

Huh, that's actually right when I started working with you.

In 10 years, we'll be taking vacations together.

Pay me! Pay me, bitch!

Why do shoes cost so much money?! I wish I had peed first. Why do I always wait so long to pee? I'm a grown man! I shouldn't eat when I'm full!

I shouldn't eat when I'm full!

Oh, she was born with no legs. ... How can I even do a walk and talk?

Oh, never mind. She was executed.

Full quota of limbs. She's got a whole face.

When I talk, I can hear my skin crunch. Makes me wanna eat cereal.

And Mike. - See, Mike? That is good writing.

There was an advance? - Quiet, quiet.

Some things are so dull, you have to block them out. No kidding. I mean, I'm sure that I played with Catherine when she was a child... but for the life of me, I can't remember one second.

You... you said it was at the Congressional Ball. - Oh, did I say that? - I think so.

Oh, my God, why did I have to fuck the last remaining gentleman in Washington? - God! - Who said that? Was that Dolley Madison? - It was James Madison.

where he couldn't even unzip the back of your dress. - Wait a minute, what? How do you know that? - It was in Mike's notes.

Mike, do you have any awareness of what's been happening with newspapers in the last 10 years? / Not at all. I mean, truth is I don't even get 'em anymore. I just read the news on my phone. It's so much better and it's free.

I think we both found that solution very 'rosinable'

I do not want you to do that. / I will. / Don't. / I'm gonna. / No.

I got this really cheap flight. Had, like, four layovers. / I really got here three hours early because we had to make an emergency landing in Birmingham because some guy took a poo on the beverage cart.

And, no, it wasn't me. I'm actually really blocked up from all the travel.

It's not urine, okay? It's probably just water from the urinal.

Wait, this is Leon West's diary. / What? / Oh, my God, it is. / So, where's yours? / And the little boy with the broken roller skates? He grew up to be Egyptian President Anwar Sadat.

I should've gotten a diary with a little lock on it, but I didn't wanna lock myself out.

We were telling so many lies, I had to write them down to keep them straight. Any decent lawyer would've told me to do that.

The editors think he's lost all sense of objectivity, and he's eating Luna bars for women.

But he's Italian, so he knows how to keep bodies buried.

Who cc'd Mike? - I get it, I'm Ringo. - We need champagne! - No, Amy's Ringo. You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.

I don't really get it, actually.

I'm not her brother, and I never was. Except for that one year.

Hey, is Kim here? / No, she got fired for sleeping with you. / Buzzfeed runs a notoriously tight ship.

What do you know about new media, Mike29748@aol.com? / Oh, no. I got hacked. It's Mike53729. / Still @aol though, right? / Until I die.

How the fuck did that happen? It's like 'Flowers for Algernon.' I understand that reference now. It's a book.

Mike McLintock has had enough!

Remembering things and reporting them back to people is not my strong suit, but I could write it down. / Please don't write it down.

Is that a new hairstyle?

Are they biased against you? Well, you said it, not me, but I also say it.

I was in a relationship with a blonde, uncaring bug-eyed rage-aholic. I used to work with someone just like that.

I think it's pronounced 'half-white.' Well, 'tomato, mulatto.'

Yes. Yeah, I believe it is. Apparently, Al Bashir had some sort of a private zoo, and that's actually how we were able to locate him. And boom! Wow! There goes the elephant.

This whole Meyer Fund story is a distraction, sir, the way a magician does tricks to distract you from how depressing his life is.

I've just been told that four-time Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks has died at the age of 88.