Selina Meyer

Yeah, is that a poppy seed there in your teeth?

well, then the VEEP has landed.

It's like a wheelchair for the eye.

I'm not a sniper.

There aren't enough people to fill a fucking canoe in here.

Is that a map joke?

I am in a room with three people and a fuckload of quiche.

Do these not bend the fuck back? What am I supposed to do with this? I'm supposed to eat around corners?

How do you suggest that I mingle with this few people? Did Simon mingle with Garfunkel?

Well, you know what I say, it's a dirty job and I love to do it.

Power. I'm kidding!

Oh, I can handle geometry, Barbara, all right?

He was full of bourbon. And he grabbed my left tit.

Yeah, it was like a funeral for a homeless guy.

'Selina, hi. I'm melting. I'm melting.'

You know my motto, 'I don't want to know.' Anyways, what motto? I don't have a motto.

Oh, my God, what was I just gonna say? Oh. I don't know. It just went out of my head.

Close the door. On your way out, close it. Quickly. Quick, quick. Quick, quick. God Almighty.

And in each of those did he say, 'Someone get this freak the fuck away from me'?

This has been pencil-fucked completely? Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.

What's left here? I've got 'hello' and I have... Prepositions.

Who knew he wore kitten heels?

He's more of a stilettos kind of guy.

He died. He's... he's dead now.

Politics is about people. It's about people.

Making physics fun.

Your dick is hanging out of your pants.

When a sexual harasser dies, we sign his wife's card. Okay? That's how Washington works.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm fluent in bastard. Okay? It's one of my languages.

I'm the user, and he's the usee.

This is how they solved the Cuban missile crisis. This is my Cuba.

This is my Cuba.

Amy, I need a shit.

I feel like a gecko.

That is so great for me. And the country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant.

Well, that's sort of a stupid thing to say, isn't it? 'Cause you can't drink a solid, can you?

See that? Gary was a major at U.V.A. in science.

So occasionally that's of use.

Can move more air by farting.

Those don't open. Those are anti-suicide windows. They only put those in after you started working here, right, Gary?

I'm not gonna say I'm not enjoying the President being in South Africa.

God, wearing some kind of shawl at a lion sanctuary.

Where we gonna find them? Photo op with the normals and the normalistas.

We can totally normalize with those guys.

I want the people who are on time to think that they're late.

Don't shoot. Don't shoot. Please don't shoot. Shoot him. You can shoot him.

He can be a real hogfucker.

I just won't be photographed eating a hot dog or any other phallic food.

I don't think we're drenched at this end of the table.

He can be a gold-plated fucking shit gibbon.

I mean, that would be like persuading a guy to fist himself.

I got niced.

And it's your job to know that if I say I have it covered, I don't have it covered and you cover me.

I need you to have... make me unsaid it.

Perhaps if you had done your job better, then, oh, I could choose vanilla or chocolate or fucking blueberry with fucking sprinkles on it. But that's not an option for me, okay?

You tell that shit- for-brains President...

faultless G.P.S. in guiding our nation.

Holy mother of God and sweet Jesus Christ.

Yeah, moving... I'm moving them down.

I can't uncross my legs.

"who's the real first lady?" sexist bullshit. can't get drawn into it. comparing our clothing budgets and our stylists-- like that's all we care about?

stupid fucking midget. clearly he hasn't heard you sing.

no, you shouldn't say that.

i don't need a ball of yappy hair shitting its body weight every 30 minutes.

four legs good; three legs bad.

simon? what an unbelievable name. i guess he just looked like a simon.

to drink or applied directly to the coat?

four legs good; three legs bad.

she'd be a rough fighter, though. she's got big shoulders. those aren't pads.

blink if you understand me, mike.

be careful your ears don't pop on the way down.

i was gonna say eva peron. yeah, i prefer that comparison. less of a mustache.

i'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this. and there it is.

god, today feels like the perfect storm, doesn't it? yeah, hurricane selina.

and just so you know, this is also what would happen if we were in a lifeboat.

selina is on next year's list of hurricanes. oh, shit! what if it hits and we get headlines saying 'selina causing large-scale devastation'?

people won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am. really, amy? 'cause i've met some people, okay? real people, and i've got to tell you, a lot of them are fucking idiots.

did you know old grandpa fumblepants couldn't even swim? he would just hang out in the shallow end and stare. you know what his favorite stroke was? was it dick stroke? it was dick stroke.

f.y.i., ma'am, the president is not calling. f.y.i., gary, no shit.

you are like a... earlobe-- you're just there, just wobbling.

your husband was a massive player. politically speaking, of course.

is there even a name for that? how about catch-44?

this in no way will be demeaning. just pretend you're picking him up, you know, and he's blind.

tell her that i'm cancelling the lunch that was supposed to prove there's nothing more important than catherine because something more important than catherine has come up.

a rubik's cube is not impossible to solve. i saw a chinese kid do it in like 10 seconds. 10 seconds, mike.

what is that skirt? is it a rug?

you got to be fucking kidding me. i hate these animals. this thing is... unbelievably cute.

20 years ago, you had no power, but you had balls. now look at you. yeah, now look at me. i have a dick and balls, okay?

you could have said, 'don't blow it.' no, i'm not gonna say that.

he's like a human teleprompter for small talk. he calls this gary-oke.

dilka. what? dilka? dilka? i think her dad's iranian. iranian?

you are getting this little rat-faced, repulsive, yappy, crepit-looking terrier.

let's go mingle the shit out of 'em.

let's go mingle the shit out of 'em.

that must have hurt... unless you had a c-section.

su casa es mi casa. mi casa. mi casa es su casa.

tell your brother i love his music. no, he's not.

oh, christ has risen.

Because it's better than watching Gary drip that fucking noodle juice down his chin.

God, I'm gonna snort a line of tzatziki and go.

Beer makes me so gassy... about how it always bloats you, beer.

Did he do this thing where you don't know if you're supposed to hug him or crucify him? Which, by the way, makes me wanna crucify him.

Plus, he doesn't wanna look like he made a massive error picking you... Well, that was lovely.

Does he want to operate me by remote control? No. That's not technologically possible.

Oh, because you have the social skills of someone who was raised by wolves.

Why are you so tired? You don't do anything.

Oh, God, I'm gonna eat him up.

A team can't play itself, can it? You can in video games.

That's sweat. That's lip sweat. / That's shimmer.

Well, I'll say this... in order to reform, you have to perform.

Well, he, uh... Ray Rice, he play nice.

Uh, you know, I would, but I've got a game of solitaire going on, so I think I'll give that a skip.

Well, I'd be surprised because technically he's not an American. I mean, because he wasn't, um, born here, you know, not because he's half Chine...

Converse generally? What about? The weather? / Not about the weather. / It is unseasonably warm, though, okay?

Well, it's unseasonably warm.

if, for some reason, we find out that there was negligence that caused this accident, those who are responsible are gonna have the White House to answer to.

Gary, that was my fucking flesh that you just... trapped in there.

I'm the vice president of the United States, you stupid little fuckers! These people should be begging me! That door should be half its height so that people can only approach me in my office on their goddamn, motherfucking knees.

I am gonna throw up a leg. And then I'm gonna take that leg and I'm gonna beat Scott to death with it.

You know what... I'm coming over there, like, right away. Uh, you know, when you come over, can you try and sneak in incognito? I got Korean neighbors and I don't think they'd like the idea of me dating you.

Is that some kind of a joke or something? It's not funny at all. Fuck off, Ted.

What happened to your hot pants? Oh, the hot pants picked up some negative traction. I realize now they're unbecoming of my office.

You have one community college meeting this afternoon. - Is that it?

How about if you scroll up? - That's the past, ma'am.

Is that even a joke?

Having a massive stroke is an excuse for coming in late to this office. Having sex is absolutely not, Dan.

I didn't even think you'd be here. - Why? - Well, there's the briefing on the fiscal responsibility bill at the White House.

You got rollerblades?

Bob Lewis has got emphysema. Sounds like a broken-down leaf blower.

My nicknames? Gary, what are my nicknames?

Pissface? Huh? - No, not that one.

He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.

Viagra Prohibitor? Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra? - No.

They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me?

NASA's gonna have to build him an escape pod.

I don't have any children. I have a niece but I fucking hate her.

That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo. It doesn't do the job and it makes a fucking mess!

That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo. No, no, no. Let me be more clear. It doesn't do the job and it makes a fucking mess!

Remind me never to get trapped inside a burning building with you, Mike.

That was a play on 'it's hammer time.' - I know. What bill is it?

This is some weird ass 'through the looking glass' shit right now.

You want to know the secret to keeping weight off? Shut your fucking pie hole. How about that? It's not rocket science.

You don't masturbate in the subway, do you, Amy? No, you don't. Do you shit in the street, Amy? No, of course you don't. Because you've gotten ahold of yourself.

If you ever want me to confess, don't rip out my fingernails, just make me eat like a vegan for a fuckin' week.

Yeah, I know, feel my soul slide out of my ass.

This smells like the inside of a taxi cab.

Those yellow things look... so...

I'll have some of what you're having.

Nobody needs to know which of my eyebrow hairs needs to be plucked.

It's his feely, little, touchy, hot hands.

Someone needs to tell him that he's working with the White House and not 'Penthouse.'

You stole a car?

I could probably have unprotected sex with 30 men, one right after the other, and it would be totally fine.

I mean, no, it wouldn't be totally fine. I mean, that would be a horrible thing.

Scented, unscented? Scented. Bam!

Unless we go on some sort of special vacation to Mexico and... kill the doctor in the desert.

Amy's practically having a baby about it.

I spent a night in jail when I was 19 once. That was more fun than this.

I'm gonna kill you and eat you, because I will not eat another fuckin' falafel.

Hey, Jimmy fuckin' Olsen, get lost before I shove that thing up your ass and give you another kind of red eye to worry about.

You don't have any idea what you're talking about. Fuckin' idiot.

You proposed by giving me some sort of a ring in a heart-shaped, fuckin' oyster thing or something.

I don't know how fucking big my finger is, Ted!

Read my lips... Don't read my lips.

Read my lips... Don't read my lips.

Or a suicide. I haven't decided which.

That's very funny, Bill. You're fired. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding

'Secret' as in shut the fuck up. And 'service' as in you work for me

I want a name and a severed head that answers to that name, or would if it could still talk

All right, pack up your limbs and get the fuck out, Jonah

And technically this is a fully functioning office, too

You are the closest to normal we've got going in this office right now

I don't read half the stuff I'm supposed to

Just because this isn't your baby, you don't... God, I am so sorry

I mean, it was like a heavy period. Don't worry about it

Your back facials. Oh. Back facials? What? Yeah, I get back acne. Backne

I do know that I can't know what you know or you don't know. You know?

I know, who'd have thought transparent government would take up so much of your field of vision?

Mike, can't you make me not have been pregnant?

Hey, suck-up isn't gonna fix a fuck-up, Dan

I'll give you a fucking deal on all three of them, too, if you want

So why don't you just take your beak and shove it up some corpse's ass, okay, you vulture motherfucker?

You can't tell him to fuck his mother. Her mother, actually

I'm gonna be the dumper. He's gonna be the dumpee

I don't want to end up with a horse's head in my bed. Though there's room for one now

High-pathetic.

From the place that we like eight blocks away

'Not great, admittedly'? Yeah, that should be the title of my fucking memoir.

66%. What? Approve. Oh! Sorry, disapprove.

Amy, you're gonna have to start getting everyone to like me.

Do you sometimes think about, I don't know, I give you this and you give me that and black is up, but brown is down now? Do you know what I mean?

I mean, in life or even just with love, you know, I mean, at the end of the day, you know, aren't we just all finally just, you know, people?

Don't you say it gives you no pleasure. When anybody ever says that, all they mean is that it does give them so much pleasure. I know what that means.

Don't you patronize me with your no jaw. You congressman no jaw.

if I'm tired, imagine how tired the rubber makers are here in Ohio. Making rubber day in and day out. I feel that Ohio is the rubber ball state, if you think about it. Always bouncing back.

Are they gonna live long enough to make it to election day, right behind me? Probably not. Hello, children who do not vote.

I don't know what to say, so I'm just whispering instead.

Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm an emotional time bomb. So here's an idea... let's put me onstage.

We used to have a saying in our family. We used to say we're awfully embarrassed by our buckteeth. But we were mighty proud of our buckeyes.

Don't forget your booster seat. Oh, shove it up your ass.

I've seen it, I've read it, I've eaten it, I've showered in it. I'm back, my babies.

See, now... now I want to cry. But I can't cry. You know, I mean, this job has fucked me up so bad. Now I don't fucking know if I can cry anymore.

There is no 'I' in freedom. Freedom is not 'medom.' It's 'wedom.'

I visited a dance studio in Hartford, Connecticut. When I was there, I met a brave firefighter in a wheelchair. Back then, we didn't know what HIV positive was. Which meant he had to lose his kidney. He shook my hand and he said, 'You don't remember me, but I am your grandpa.'

Yeah, you lost, Dale. Oh, my God. And, actually, I was told that you'd been told.

No, not for you, Marjorie. In fact, that's probably why you lost the New Jersey fifth.

I want a Cartier fucking dildo.

Oh, Amy, that's a great sign, because that's a very complex sentence. Unless he's slurring his words.

So when it hits 2:00 A.M., my eyes will say Holocaust, my mouth will say Carnival.

Am I supposed to ask a question now? Oh, sure. If you want. Fire away. And what would that question be? Well, that question might be what do you think is the best reposition to take? And what would the answer to that question be? And the answer to that question would be standing right in front of you.

Honey, if you're not at the table, you're probably on the menu.

And, Kent, I will not be eaten.

Well, salt and pepper 'em.

like some sort of thick rubber condom

Now why don't you just go and fuck yourself in your own asshole?

Fuck that lipstick!

I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.

There's a horse coming out of my head.

Well, we are the United States of America because we are united and we are states and we are of America.

Yeah, you were the best thing ... I was the best thing that ever happened to you and you just threw it away.

And what about poor Memaw, who's guaranteed to be dead by March? ( quietly ) With any luck.

Yeah, I hope we have a number for a contract killer, too. ( laughs ) I'll do it.

But I need to talk to that autistic lumberjack son of a bitch.

Hey, I heard you were doing Pilates. I didn't know you had a core. ( laughs ) I do and it's like steel.

Yeah? What are we doing? - Nothing. Until the numbers support intervention, doing nothing is the most positive thing we can do.

You know, it's just so great talking to you, Kent. I love being close to the inaction.

You know what? Why don't you put on your running shoes and get to the fucking point, Jonah?

Sounds classy. Will Kate Middleton be there?

Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to fuck the pig before they roasted it? I wouldn't presume they took turns.

Let me tell you something. I'm going to that 4:30 meeting even if I have to get Sue to fly around the world the wrong way like Superman and reverse time.

I'll bring you back a sandwich and a six-toed husband.

Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva.

Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie. - That's a good one, Mike.

Did you know that I'm paying 65 grand a year to that school? They had better be putting gold on that popcorn instead of butter, right?

What the hell do you do on Air Force One, rub your dick on the seats? I haven't actually been on Air Force One.

Oh. And your boxers occasionally, I hope. I have a fresh pair every day now.

I don't want to get stuck talking pig shit with people who use hay as furniture.

No, that's like I squished a bug and then I said, 'Oh, it's so cool I squished a bug.'

What if people think I have crabs in my eyebrows? How can you have crabs in your eyebrow?

Okay, Gary, when a man and a woman love each other very much and it's the man's birthday...

This needs to be the Gettysburg Address of tightrope-walking, say-nothing bullshit.

Well, howdy, y'all. Oh, my goodness. Look at this. Walking the walk, talking the pork.

Yeah? Well, go shit yourself, Long Tall Sally, because I will deal with my daughter in my own way on my own terms.

No, that came out wrong. Listen, how are you doing? Stop it. Stop it. You're freaking me out.

My boyfriend in college was a quarter Cherokee. Mom, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna say sorry.

Well, we've had happier conversations. Like when I told her her grandpa had died. Oh, she didn't like him, huh? No, that's not what I meant.

Get some towels. I may need to daughter board her.

I've been scratching my eyebrow for three and a half fucking hours.

I've been scratching my eyebrow for three and a half fucking hours. I thought we weren't doing the eyebrow thing. You said about the crabs.

Oh, dang, Amy. You put out quick. Right. It turns out I can't mate with anyone outside of my species.

Sweet Jesus Christ. I want to see the film and I will see the film. Gary, we need to get it. It's 'Five Easy Pieces.' It's '5 Broken Cameras.'

Let's run a security check on him and his entire family. And investigate their finances.

Gary... I do not like to say this, but you have truly disappointed me today.

I'd be terrible in a hostage situation, even as a hostage taker.

he knows I've got a bigger role in the White House now, which means I've got a bigger dick, which means he can suck it.

They don't salute indoors, Gary. - They don't salute indoors, Gary.

And did you know in the CD player I've got Ride of the Valkyries? (CHUCKLES) Apocalypse Now.

I was married to a Devil Dog, but he wasn't a Marine. He was more of a devil.

Small arms means guns, ma'am. - Oh, really, Gary? Not T-rex hands?

In anger, too, I might add. Ooh, uh-oh!

All right. There speaketh a pricketh.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!

Fastest gun in the West Wing.

Is it four or is it five? Or is it six? Or is it seven? You don't know, do you?

I pulled that straight out of my ass.

He's Iwo Jima. I'm planting a flag right on his head.

Stick a thermometer up Washington's ass. See how much heat I just created. - Parting the cheeks.

What's the opposite of constipated, Mike? - Relieved. - No. Relieved is not the opposite of constipated, Mike.

Sue made it. - Sure. It's there, too.

What? You're not fucking Sue.

Start popping your popcorn. - Must Sue TV.

It's Gary-oke time. - Gary-oke is done, my friend. It's time for Danny-oke now.

Does aggressive trump robust? - Well, it's robustier.

Oh, I thought you were gonna say diet, Ben.

And I don't have to answer to you, Ben. Or to Lara Croft here for that matter.

Calculated? That sounds so... - Calculated? - Pussy-ass, that's what I was gonna say.

This is the Vice President. - Yes, it is. - No, no, this is the Vice President.

Amy, this is like explaining gravity to a chicken.

You have made a fuck-up the size of France and you are fucking grinning about it.

This is all Cliff's fault, that grinning fucking Ewok.

Well, I feel like that porn star who had to do 200 men in one day. At least she got to lie down, right?

so help me Brian. - Yes. - I am Brian. - I think you mean, 'So help you God.'

Oh, I wish that was my cousin's name.

What in the living Lord of Christ are you doing here?

Well, that's how the cookie crumbles.

What's time o'clock? - Time o'clock.

The men get the situation room, I get the shituation room?

George, comments like that are incredibly inappropriate when people's lives are at stake.

Yeah! Eggs-shak-a-laka! In your fucking face, eggs.

Yeah! Semper fucking fee. - Fi. - Fi. Fi, right.

Oh, so they were able to just salvage his foot?

Look at the size of his coffee mug. Jeez, you could hide a baby in that thing.

You look concerned, but steely. - Yeah. - Like a lady soldier.

Who the hell is religious as a teenager? I was. I mean, smoke some weed, for Christ's sake, right?

Oh, there are not gonna be any veterans at this teen prayer breakfast thing tomorrow, are there? / No, ma'am. No missing legs.

Oh, God, look at the president. - Jeez, he looks so... - He looks jowly. Ah, look at those cheeks. It's like two little clutch bags attached to his face.

Oh, my God, with the bags. It's always bags with you. Got to get out of the bag zone. Come on, Gary.

It looks like I'm tweeting when a guy loses his leg. Yeah, it does, ma'am.

This is Kent's doing. He's trying to screw me. I'm gonna go stab him. I'm stabbing him.

This is the photograph? No, just wondering if you think this sweater goes with the dress.

That's how he looks. That's his face. Why didn't you just take the good one of me, Photoshop it in? I can't airbrush history, ma'am. I'm not Joseph Stalin.

No, that's true. You don't have a tenth of his charm.

Oh, so now I have to have Dan and Mike, Rodgers and Hammershit, come up with a new song in an afternoon?

What are you laughing about, Jolly Green Jizzface?

I'm a meme ma'am? What are you talking about? Speak English, boy.

Take all these meaningless syllables with you and just get out.

Okay, yeah, that's a cherry on top of this whole turd cake.

Because he'd be happy if I shot him in the face. He would be. I've actually thought about it.

That's like half of what he should have, right?

Just bought Sue for a dollar. Who's next?

I've never eaten with Gary before. I've eaten next to him, but...

♪ Can Dana come along? ♪ - Oh, really? - No. That was a bad idea.

Amy, you should stop eating so much. What the fuck are you talking about? You're stress eating.

I wouldn't want you to become a fat, neurotic freak. Speaking as a friend.

That isn't impressive at all. - He's just spitting, right?

You just need to keep in mind that I'm not Selina Dion.

I had to pretend not to like it to Kent while pretending to like it like he was pretending to like it, but he didn't actually like it and I actually really liked it.

Ma'am, your song last night made my lips curl. - Uh... ( laughs ) - Upwards.

Ma'am. Ma'am, please don't let him take me. I don't want to go to numbers camp. / I can't help you. Just let go. / Please. Please. Let go of me, all right?

Isn't that great? Would you ever describe a cheese as dusky? Not in a million years, no. I wouldn't do that.

And they would have made her an offer that she couldn't refuse. Actually, the mafia involvement in the dairy industry is minimal.

Think about it. In 'The Godfather,' no cheese. - Yeah, you're right. - You know I'm right. - Boom! - That's her catchphrase.

A Lev... a new Leviathan! Isn't that great? Does it have the same layout, honey? Because it took you so long to learn the other one.

I won't touch anything. Oops, I just started a war with Iran. - Joke. - That's not even remotely funny.

Well, our European visit just got turned into a one-way trip to hell and back. - That's actually a return. - You know what? Could you just shut it just for like two seconds?

I think it's pronounced Georges Denis. I'm not a hick. Screw you, Depardieu.

Get off the plane. What? - Get off of the plane. - Ma'am, we're taxiing. I don't give a shit. Get the fuck off my plane.

He should really be on suicide watch. Yeah, make sure he goes through with it.

Europhobic? Seriously? What is that supposed to mean? I'm scared of subtitles?

Sure we didn't overshoot and land in Russia in the 1950s?

It's a small bag. Your hands are large. My dad always said I had lady's hands.

Don't give me that Quaker in a titty bar look.

Because no one will feed me?

Finland, you are hefty. That is the wrong word.

That hasn't happened in Washington since 1835.

So that song, unlike your career as communications director, will not die.

Oh, the tennis player? No. No. I'm joking. I'm joking now.

I mean, I'm a fucking laughingstock. If you burst into tears, stay away from this dress.

Okay, you need to calm the fuck down, Judge Judy.

Cool it, kassi.

He just squeezed my tit like a balloon.

In America we actually call fish chicken of the sea.

In America we actually call fish chicken of the sea.

And you raped my tit. So I'm coming for you 'cause I'm an Angry Bird right now... and you're a pig.

Well, who knew that being sexually assaulted wouldn't be the worst thing to happen in my day, huh?

I mean, would it be so hard for people not to be assholes? I wouldn't know.

Europe used to be my favorite continent. Now it's not even in my top five.

How's Catherine? She's 21. That's great. Yeah, we're having her party tonight.

And stay out of Middle East politics. So two out of three ain't bad.

I'm amazed you can laugh about that. Yes, that's what I do. I'm laughing about it.

I think it's over. Sneezes always come in threes. Have you ever noticed that? Really? Is that so? Oh, well, that was a fourth. So maybe I need to tell you about how counting works, right?

Gary, deflower the room. There's a sentence I bet you thought you'd never hear.

Ugh, just because my last name rhymes with liar. How lucky am I that I'm not Selina Mapist or Selina Medophile?

It's good that you'll have sex soon.

I mean, he just fluffs ya, and then he fucks ya. Yeah. Well, speaking of... Oh, yeah, that's a perfect example.

I'm gonna be the sexiest woman to ever exude fiscal prudence. And you know what? That's a very fucking tough look to pull off.

We-- we-- we-- we-- we met in... in Bumfuck, Idaho, I think it was. DC. Yes, yes. That's what I like to call DC as a joke.

I mean, don't you think that you and your friends would call this whole thing an epic succeed?

Mom, you've invited the House Majority Leader to my birthday party? Yeah, sweetheart, it's the 100 billion cutoff. You've heard about that? Of course I've heard about that.

Don't you think that you and your friends would call this whole thing an epic succeed?

Thank you, Rahim. You drink alcohol? Yes, ma'am. Oh, you Iranians are full of surprises.

Some gibberish. I can't understand him.

You plus 10'd yourself here? Number crunchers to help you finish the deal. Yeah. And one of them is a designated driver because I am going to get fucked up.

What are you doing? Are you gonna propose? What would your answer be? My answer would be Jesus fucking Christ.

Gary, you just called me sweetie. Oh, my God! I'm sorry. That's what I call Dana. Did you ever call Dana ma'am? I did once and it was awful.

If I were drunk right now, would you kiss me? Yeah. No, Gary, I'm kidding. Right. Yeah.

Something sex my dick trick? Did you say dick? Sex your dick trick. I don't understand what you just said.

I cannot stand teenage girls. Were you ever one? Never. Me neither.

And I think sometimes we need to just take time. Not long at all. I mean, maybe 10 minutes or-- okay, or maybe 15 is also good. I'm gonna suggest that we have a little constructive talking time.

So do you have any sort of chillaxing kind of music?

Yeah, tell me about it. And I'm swimming in it and I'm breathing it in through my snorkel.

Smile, you stupid asshole. Make it bigger. There you go.

You're a stupid fucking prick. Right? You say it. I'm not gonna say that.

Fuck POTUS. Right? And fuck Kent. They're just a bunch of fuckers.

Keith stays, right? What? Keith. He's skinny like a skeleton.

Gary, the Secret Service is calling you Girly Shirley Temple.

Somebody bring me the chinless head of Roger Furlong.

Get rid of it. Refuse it. / Okay, look, if the VP did have a window, it'd be a high one and she'd push you out of it.

See, this is the problem with high-definition. You don't want to see a dick in hi-def.

What? I'm not overpaid. I'm independently wealthy. All right? Sorry.

Awkward silence and door closing after Gary's question

You dump him overboard like the toxic waste he is. / Come on, Amy. It is just so good. / Okay, then you see... see where it goes. / No, I have to end it. / Yeah. But I can't.

Yeah, and I'm just talking about the 1970s. / I'm not. I was thinking of the 18th century.

Fine and successful are synonyms. / You're grasping at straws. / I'm not grasping for straws.

If you die within the next six years, I will be attending your funeral and giving a eulogy when POTUS sends me there in his stead. And it is gonna be full of subtext. Chock-full of subtext.

This ass is closed for business. This ass is in clench-down. I don't want to be a decoy. Let the president take it in the ass. He might like it.

The Chinese invented pizza. / No, they didn't. / Yeah, they did.

That's as much a fact as Will's impotence. / I don't think that's appropriate. / He doesn't mind. Do you, Will? / Whatever works, sir.

I would have guessed Old Maid. / Want to play Go Fish? / Sure.

Yeah, you can start calling me the Hurty Dirty Man. / Yeah, I'm not gonna call you that. / All right. / I'm not.

I know, it's hard to believe that they have female FBI agents. / Oh! / I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. / I love that kind of misogyny. / I love misogyny like that. / Yeah, it's the best kind.

You know, I didn't realize how good I was at this job until someone else did it so badly. / Different isn't bad. / No, bad is bad.

Gary, they don't even walk on the moon anymore. They're basically a bunch of nerds who work in a hangar.

'Gary, they don't even walk on the moon anymore. They're basically a bunch of nerds who work in a hangar.'

Go, period, fuck, period, yourself, exclamation point.

Oh, you helped with the... with the garbage? Yeah, I helped with the garbage.

So Sue's the new Gary and you are still the Amy. / Yeah. / Yeah.

That's precisely what I want to do, Dan. / Good. / Oh, okay, then, yes. Exactly.

She's kind of a lightweight now... She's a dud.

You're a fraud and a liar, ma'am. Wow. What? What are you doing? I'm hitting you.

Looks like I'm masturbating if I got my hands in my pockets.

'Cause I feel like I fell into a well or something and it's hurting my neck.

Well, I took my ex down to the river and I tried to smash his head in with a rock and then drown--

That's right. I think you've grown since then. Either that or you've gotten shorter.

So you found the joint okay.

We're talking about the building, right? Because I'm original.

Many of the objay-ects-- objects

To see spies. If only, right?

This is a bell.

This is some old shit by somebody, I don't know who it is.

I hate this house, to tell you the truth. It's like living in a doll's jail.

But that looks like I have a stomachache.

Sadly, I don't have a lot of time to read fiction.

No, I am hoping to get the box set for Christmas, though.

We're not telepathically linked. He can't read my mind.

When I invited you here to the residence to fuck me, I didn't mean this.

How easy is it for the Vice President of the United States of America to get some casual sex, hmm? I'm convenient.

That's right, I am the Vice President of the United States and I choose now not to fuck you anymore.

Once a week we get together for a gab and a gobble.

Janet, it's like when you loosen a pickle jar and somebody comes by and they just open it. This is the shutdown lid loosener. The pickle jar loosener.

I don't need a peeler. Thank you. Yeah, you need a peeler. Actually, I don't.

Well, you probably have so much staff in and out of here-- No, no, no. I know this kitchen like the back of my hand. Oh, that's not it. Okay, I don't know where-- This is maddening.

I'm not here. Okay, you're not here. I'm so sorry. I'm talking to myself. Where are you, peeler?

You never told me that you were a vegetarian. I told you three months ago. No, you didn't, Catherine.

You swallowed chicken your entire life. You're gonna do it again today. I swallowed your bullshit my entire life.

Although not a great parent, admittedly. Well, actually, he did okay with his own kids. It's when other kids got involved that it got real dicey. But, no, then he did dangle that one from a great height.

White water rafting. - Italy. - Disneyland. - Which is it? - No, honey, we didn't ever go to Disneyland. - Oh, no, you didn't take me. Rosa took me with her family. - Who's Rosa? - She was a... - She was... - housekeeper.

Who's Rosa? She was a... She was... housekeeper. Housekeeper, that's right. You spent a lot of time with your housekeeper?

How about this? How about I lift up my dress, give everyone a big fat shot of my cooch?

Like a medley from 'Okla'-fucking-'homa'?

Because in politics, a backbone and a heart are only as good as your ears. And my ears are my livelihood.

I spewed out so much bullshit, I'm gonna need a mint. A fucking mint.

I mean, I lied and everything, but it sounded true, at least.

I can run that thing in a suit of armor.

I'll go kiss some hateful billionaire ass on my own.

Give them all donor boners.

I was only, like, suicidal for a week. Huh?

This is a political prick tease today.

My campaign launchpad is going to be made of solid fucking gold.

I feel like one of those old used footballs that they fixed up for the kids at an orphanage.

God, I hope Iran drops a nuke on DC.

He's like an undead cockroach with his... it's true. He's got that blank look. I bet he doesn't even have a come face.

Can you imagine fucking that guy?

I'll give you all of it.

I can even say your name the other way... Haney.

There's something so sexy about being in a hotel in the middle of the day, right?

And, um, the only thing that's really hurt is my pride.

I love cartoons.

Seriously, I am totally overqualified for this job.

Like Sophie's Choice choices, except more important because it's gonna be about me.

Oh, come on. Don't be so hard on yourself, Gary.

I smell like a hobo's craphole.

Hey, Mike, I have some sort of hazy memory of me promising to buy your boat.

What? I thought your parents were dead.

I can't be running off to shindigs put on by the parents of people on my staff.

I've just always assumed that they were dead.

Oh, God. I hate impeachments. They're so '90s.

Oh, these lips are on lockdown. Right. You don't know. No, I just have a 'don't ask don't tell' policy about the things that I know. Or that I don't know.

You need to fuck off and go back to Westworld.

Three fucks, you're out.

Ma'am, you have my deepest, deepest sympathies. Okay, well, I'm not dead.

Wish I could break his spine. But I can't, 'cause it's made of Jell-O.

Are you finishing my sentence or are you telling me that again? Both.

Well, it's not the job that's depressing. Life is depressing.

(suppressed squeal) Yes! Fuck! Gosh!

Yeah, I'm burning calories with the old anxiety diet. Oh. You know, the anxiet.

Mike sees knowledge as the enemy.

It's like saying flammable or inflammable. It's the same thing. I smell a fucking rat.

You like to have sex and you like to travel? Yes, ma'am. Then you can fuck off.

Can you give me some time with my core team? Um, Br-- Br- Ed. Bre-- Ed. Of course.

Did you say a number? Currently four.

Wait a minute. You're choosing dead milk over me?

Like I'm Marilyn Monroe, just JFK the fuck out of me.

Well, from up here, they look like ants. That's a joke. Because they are ants.

I've got to get out of here before I set fire to one of these nerds.

You've got to mello yellow. Don't tell me not to panic.

Everybody can just shut the shit up.

Has he been miniaturized?

Is it Bring a Disparate Person to Work Day?

I think that the president should only have her staff here. Or his staff. You know, their staff.

Oh, no, you don't. You want to be president.

Oh, no, you don't. You want to be president.

Too late to change it? It is. Yeah.

I call it Some New Beginnings because it's plural.

If it melted, would it become Texas?

You know, butter doesn't need to be refrigerated. It can be unrefrigerated or refrigerated. That's not true. I think it's like a fruit that way. No.

Then you got married. And I love that story.

I feel like I'm Joe Public here. I know nothing. And I don't like that feeling.

Look at us. You pretending to be me signing a book I didn't even write. That's politics in a nutsack.

Like, Footsteps to the Future was one. Red, White and You was actually another one. Yes Hands of Our Children.

Eighteen months is an entire pregnancy with another entire pregnancy tacked onto the end of it.

That bag of wrist slits got the nomination?

You think I got here just 'cause I got $50 million in the bank and this amazing ass?

In fact, I was gonna say 'short,' but I know how sensitive Rick was about his height.

And when he got that first bite, whoa, did he reel it in.

Well, I blew the fuckin' roof off of this church, didn't I? They loved that beer labels anecdote.

Well, all my orgasms have come at once.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I hate politics.

I was gonna say 'baldly,' but I know how sensitive Mike is about his hair.

'Some New Beginnings: Their Next American Journey'!

You said he was really good on the book tour. No, I was trying to keep you from worrying about me.

No matter how dumb they are.

Let's go. The coasts won't guard themselves.

You're listing trimesters. Stop it!

This is the unflushable turd that is left in the can for the next person... e.g., me.

I can't get POTUS to wave his transvaginal wand and make it all go away.

I can't identify myself as a woman. People can't know that. Men hate that.

And women who hate women hate that... which I believe is most women, don't you agree with that?

Get the government out of my fuckin' snatch, you know?

I'm not putting my eggs in that basket.

I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the fuck out of you.

Shall I print that up on a T-shirt that I could give to you?

Okay, so now the phones have taken a vow of silence.

Aren't we all hiding from somebody?

You are always gonna be my bodyman. Yeah. Especially when I'm president.

My second marriage took place in the rain. You can see my nipples in all the photos.

Gettysburg, Mount Sinai... the speech I made in Philadelphia three weeks ago.

Alicia Keys?

I'm in the middle of a lot of shit right now, so I'm hanging up.

Children are vital, Kenny Rogers. We're not all planning to die alone like you.

Doyle? You're kidding me. I'd rather get advice from a fucking Ouija board.

She better have been in an accident.

It's beautifully put together... like me.

I thought you just said it was locked. / Yeah, it is. It's structurally very sound. We just need to nail the wording, okay?

So what? I had a horse as a kid. Who didn't? / Mmm... / I mean, have a pet is what I meant.

Like I always say, nothing less funny than a comedian.

If somebody takes a shit in your car, what are you gonna do? You gonna drop your trout and take a crap through the sunroof?

Some sort of optimistic warmonger with a soft spot for educated gays.

You look like a pretty toy soldier.

I loved you on 'Saturday Night Live.' You were hysterical. / That wasn't me, though. But wasn't it funny? So funny!

You can repeat 100% any time you like, ma'am. / I will, ma'am... 100%!

You want me to be some sort of a party puppet? You can stick your hand up my ass and work my mouth?

They're gonna what? / Is this your doing? Did you give them this idea, Dan? / I don't do offended, but I am... affronted that you'd even think that.

I'll tell you what happens. They get bullied when they're little at school, and then they perpetuate the cycle by bullying me.

This makes me look like I'm some sort of a crazy person that was deliberately trying to make us look like twins.

So I'm supposed to let a bunch of dead-eyed white guys... shit all over absolutely everything that I stand for.

I've decided that I'm... going to let them dictate to me. Because that is my decision. Do you understand that? I am letting them do that!

And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter.

Very inspirational speech, ma'am. Come on, you wrote it, you can't review it.

20,000 and Selina sits on your lap. - What did you just say? - No, not really.

Gary, what are you doing? You look like a newborn giraffe.

I call that an 'ussy.'

- She's nine months. - Okay, she's rounding up.

We need to make that woman go away. - And I don't mean kill her. - Kill her.

Oh, my God, I've got the baby!

I'm calling this 'Pacific Trim.' - You know what 'trim' is? - Yeah? - It's twat.

I lose women and what am I left with? I'm left with gay Latinos and Jews at college, I guess.

I have to succeed where the Republican Guard failed.

No, you shouldn't make your first million until you're in your 30s. That's what Andrew and I did. It kept us completely grounded.

Poor kids, they don't realize they're all gonna be executed by the time they turn 30.

I am the oldest person at Clovis by five years. I feel ancient. - You must be 12 years old, then.

Absolutely, although it is pronounced 'Cray-eeg.' - 'Creg.' - 'Cray-eeg.' - 'Cray-eeg.' Very close. - 'Cray-eeg.' - That's it. Well done, Amy.

No, ma'am, that's Ron Jeremy. - I know, he's a great actor. He was Scar in 'The Lion King.' - That was Jeremy Irons. Ron Jeremy is a porn legend.

What are you doing? - It's like a rollaway. But there's no wheels.

If it's a phone and watch, just call it a 'Fotch.' Or a 'Wone.'

I feel like we're sawing a tree or something. Now we're milking a cow.

We have a saying here at Clovis... 'Dare to fail.' - Then that's a job well done.

We have a saying here at Clovis... 'Dare to fail.' - Then that's a job well done.

Now I'm getting fucked harder that way.

Yeah, I can't take it from them, too. You know? A girl gets tired.

We see ourselves as very much post-tax. You don't follow politics, I thought. Or you do now follow politics?

'Cause when you do that to the vice president, this is what happens!

like you're C-3PO with a big, brass, shiny erection

They have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud?

some people call me 'Madam Vice President.' But you can call me whatever you want, Craig. - 'Cray-eeg.'

the words 'Danny Chung' and 'torture'... they don't belong in the same sentence. They don't. 'Danny Chung'? 'Torture'? Come on.

In the ladies' restroom, they have some sort of an Internet toilet. I couldn't figure out how to flush it. It's got all these buttons that freak me out

My nostrils feel like Vietnam.

Is this the beginning of the Rapture or what?

He's Amy without a conscience and he's Dan without the five percent that needs to be loved.

He'd make a good croupier... Never thought of that. He's very good at reading people, you know? Right, hitting on drunk divorcees, yeah. That's his level.

Oh, but you know, he's my asshole. You need a better asshole.

I should be the 'three-mile candidate.' 'Three Mile' has negative connotations. There was a nuclear disaster there. Yeah. Well, there might be one here too.

Peeing in a bush, being talked to on a porch. It's kind of like being a dog.

What in the living fuck?

Oh, well... please, by all means, 'Leonardo.'

Do you think that I'm ruthless enough? I think you have just the right amount of grit in your oyster.

Can I be a complete fucking bitch? Please don't talk about yourself that way.

I'd rather be shot in the fucking face than serve as vice president again. Seriously, in the fucking face!

Desperate Dan, flailing Amy, crippled Gary, jizzy Mike.

I'm gonna shoot Mike and Gary in the head, I'll poison Amy, I'll behead Dan.

That desperate dick covered in medals that he got on eBay, by the way?

You know what? You stop interrupting me, you stupid fucking interrupty guy.

I torch cars, you know... give me the nuclear codes.

So you're the guy who keeps burning my tongue.

Catherine, I can't send Mike and Ben to Coachella. But you, you know, you're hip. You're 'deck,' you know? Deck's a thing, right?

Okay, remember her husband fondled your left breast? What do you think, I'm gonna forget that? I've got a thumbprint there.

I am giving a talk on economics. 'The Finnish Wilf.' - Er, what...? - It's 'wolf.' Oh, hello. - 'The Finnish Wolf.' - Yes. - And there is my book. - Oh. - And what is that called? - 'The Finnish Wilf.' - It's 'wolf.' - Yeah, I got it.

To give guns to babies? Well, only in Arizona.

- Minna, I've made a joke. - And me also, I made a joke... for giving the guns to the babies. Because I know you don't give the guns to the babies.

He's not just a personal trainer, he's like a personal Jesus.

I haven't bent this far since I was five centimeters dilated.

Well, so can I. I can just take off my shoes.

I spend more time with you than any of my other friends. That technically makes you my best friend.

- We're fucking. - Uh-huh...

'Cause he'll be, 'Oh, a crisis. I need a third iPad.'

Or how about a drone strike?

Stay small, Selina! - Oh, my God! - Go, go, go! - Ow, ow, ow! My hair! My hair! My hair!

Now I feel like you're attacking me. It's kind of irritating. Okay, just back off.

I need 'Ray-creation.' Just had it.

In your country, people fuck snow.

I want for your comfort to make you aware that today I purchased ear pligs. - Ear plugs. - Oh, ear plugs. Okay.

Look at this well-defended picnic table. Covered in all these... things that defend.

Although this would not have been a good present for her, 'cause she was a toddler with a temper. She was so mad. - I wasn't. - Just say you were mad. Doesn't matter.

This one is upside down, so if you were doing a back bend or something...

The men and women who are behind the umbrella skeleton.

Once I got used to all the regular people and how fat they were, I really enjoyed it.

You know, it's okay, it doesn't matter... oh-hh... oh, my God! That's very good.

But don't ever go schizo-titzo on me again.

I got a whole new rush of blood to my new head.

I just can't seem to get him out of my hair. Did you notice?

She forgot the third R. The third R is-- actually, in fact, let me go back to 'reaffirm,' which was number two.

Listen to this idiot. They're not even sound bites. They're just sounds.

And please downplay them so I don't cry.

I'm normal. I can be so folksy. Doing the folksy thing with... folks.

It's January, Mike.

Yeah, and I can't throw a ball, Mike. I'll look like Gary here.

What, are you David Coppercock?

Wow, it's a box inside of a box. Jesus! Oh, it's a crate.

I love it. Are you okay?

Okay, for two grand, you don't get a call from me. Okay? Just send him a button or something.

You know, they accuse you of not thinking outside the box, but I do think outside the box. You know what else I do? I stand on top of a box.

I don't blame her. Imagine being married to that guy. I wouldn't put up with that shit for a second.

Do you want to... No, I like standing up here and looking down at everybody.

I want to hear what you see. And I wanna see what you feel.

because if I don't communicate, guys, I communi-can't.

Seriously, you do me better than I do me. You do yourself a lot.

Oh, God. That Dickensian shitstack?

If I could lift the fucking crate, I'd beat him to death with it.

Otherwise she's gonna hang herself from the nearest light fixture.

So, change it to Hitler?

He has his head so up his ass, he can wave out his mouth.

No, the light bulb's fine, see?

You know what VP stands for? It stands for 'Victory Permafucked.'

Every motherfucking one of you. Loser! Loser!

sometimes through no fault of your own, it's just one... disaster after another disaster.

Why is there a bicycle book?

gosh, good luck with all of your terrible troubles and, um, welcome to America.

I'm gonna be the fucking president.

Selina: Hey, you know what, go? We have to be careful, though, not to look too happy, you know? 'Cause of FLOTUS.

Amy: I'm not sure that Beyoncé fully understands that. / Selina: (gasps) She's calling me a 'Single Lady.'

Selina: Holy shit. It's like Lolla-fucking-palooza.

Selina: Thank you so much, 'Senator Suck-up.'

Staff: Ma'am? You're now only a point away from Chung. Presidential bounce. / Selina: Yeah, bounce that, ya dumb dick.

Dan: From Ashton Kutcher's assistant, 'Ashton says congrats.' / Selina: Assistant?

Selina: God, can't we just take 'em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?

Selina: I wanna get rid of Leslie Carr. She has no fucking energy, ironically.

Selina: Oh, my God. We left him in New Hampshire.

Selina: God, there's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy.

Selina: No, you weren't. None of that is true. What are you talking about?

Selina: So, guess what? I am 10 centimeters dilated. I'm fully effaced. I mean, this presidency is crowning. I need you.

Selina: Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ, if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back Prohibition.

Selina: Oh, you... a million things. Are you kidding me? You know, just being there, and... and being you... (stammering) there... and all...

Selina: Yeah, except there's no bridesmaids to fuck.

The squeaking shoes during the speech

Selina: Any fuckup from now on is not just a fuckup. It's my legacy.

Mike: Leslie Nielsen. Leslie Frazier, the coach for the Vikings... / Selina: Huh? / Mike: Doesn't matter. You're... good speech.

Selina: Yeah, everybody wants to fuck 'em, too. God, I would love to fuck a firefighter. Hey, I'm the president. I can fuck anybody I want now, right?

Selina: I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.

We're making history. We're the first woman president, right? Well, I am. You're not, Michael.

I'm getting jiggy with it. I'm gonna get that Philip Roth book back to you. I haven't forgotten about it.

During which I can sleep and you can squeeze nutrient paste into my mouth.

Everything's my fault now.

Smells like Puerto Rico in here.

For now, just put a marker that just says 'future whatever.'

Suckas.

I wouldn't want him to have the shitty experience that I had as veep.

Well, he's not dead, ma'am. No. It's fun for me to say, though.

Yeah, we just got to do a cock-thumb. What? What did you say? A cock-thumb?

Okay, well, let's cock-thumb. I really don't care for that term.

The Prime Minister of India has sent you this. Why? I can't really work it out, but I'll put in a time for you to thank him. No, I don't want that. No duck? No. Sue: It's a dead duck.

I feel like I've got a hamster wheel in my head. You know that feeling?

Maybe we can put Afghanistan on eBay. Get about 10 bucks for that.

I'm used to dealing with angry, aggressive, dysfunctional men, i.e., men.

It's funny... I don't really think of you as a man.

I understand you're on the warpath. I get that. I think it's your favorite path.

Yeah, but here I am. I'm thinking it. The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable.

Yeah, that's horse hockey. Forgive me, ma'am. No, no. No forgiveness needed. I mean, at least you didn't say that's fucking bullshit.

Five-zero followed by a bunch of zeroes? Nine.

Get it in here in five-dollar bills. I'm gonna climb it and see if I get frostbite.

Well, you know what? You're in phenomenal shape. For a man of your age, it's just extraordinary.

It's '50 Shades of Great.'

Oh, see, you're being sarcastic, Jim. Absolutely thrilled, really. Oh, no, see, that's sarcasm. That is sarcasm. It is, I see it.

What's with that Deputy Dawg face you got going?

Just end high school in ninth grade or something.

I'm looking at you, but I'm shaking somebody else's hand. It's the strangest feeling.

There are literally no words.

Instead now, that money is going to fund obsolete, metal, giant dildos.

What hikers?!

Memo to self... it is winnable. Delete the private polling. Also, hair. Ask Marianne about electrolysis.

No offense, honey, but, I mean, look at yourself.

I feel like I'm on trial in the future.

Amy, it's filtering out like every other word. Usually I just do that myself.

Have you seen that thing? It's like he ate a volcano.

We polled her popularity. How dare you? How could you have the audacity to... Oh. Oh, these are not good.

I outlived some dead idiot president. Wow.

Happy birthday, Ben. Wow, that was quick. Yeah. We have a cake? No.

So why don't you tell Sacheen Littlefeather to get off the rag and get over it, all right?

Boy, at peace with Israel, at war with Native Americans. Do you know what I am? I'm like the opposite of Mel Gibson.

Because the first butt-ugly one was removed by some jerkoff with a hair ball for a brain.

Better not leak any photos. I see your media likes to make a big fuss about how much you spend. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Huh? What? What fuss? What spending?

To paraphrase a predecessor of mine, we have nothing to trust but trust itself.

Who do you think you are, Gary Antoinette? Did somebody make you first lady? 'Cause I don't remember marrying you, Gary. I don't remember fucking you in Niagara Falls.

And you have suckered onto me like some sort of a car window Garfield.

You're a middle-aged man who sanitizes my tweezers.

When's Catherine's birthday? June eighth. Ninth. Which senator's daughter is in rehab?

You mean on Labor Day? I didn't say that. Yeah, you did. You just did. You j... you just said Labor Day.

It's light sponge. You just told me that.

South Korea has called. They'd like to know if you'd like a baby elephant. I have no response to that. Other than I already have one.

I'm kidding. She used to be chubby when she was little, but she's slimmed down as she's gotten older. Thank goodness.

How did he write the note?

Well, they do need to stay thin.

Is it a good apple? - It's a baking apple. - Fuck 'em.

Oh, my God, I look like Grandpa.

Yeah, I know. This is so disrespectful.

I mean, you know, I'm the rock star. She's not the rock star.

It's like getting a valentine from your own mom, you know?

Do I think it's the thing I should do? Is that your question, Mike?

Whatever happened to Ebola? I loved Ebola.

Well, I apologize for my success, Catherine.

Well, then, why don't you tell me and I'll decide whether or not I know it?

Don't give me that bunker shit. Hitler went into a bunker. When he came out, he wasn't chancellor anymore, was he? Plus he was dead.

I'll tell you something, if he were alive right now, he'd be very anxious to distance himself from me at this moment.

You did two tours of Afghanistan? Yes, ma'am. I saw my best buddy die over there. Blown to pieces by an IED.

I'm so tired, I could sleep a horse. Or whatever that word thing is.

Let's cure diabetes or learn Italian.

I gotta run around like a Labrador or a guy on fire or something like that.

I could, like, bang a nail into that wall with my gaze.

I could not be more likable if I had given both of my kidneys to some sick kid.

I put the champagne in the water bottles. - You don't have to explain. I can tell what you did.

The last surviving Golden Girl.

Well, I'm sure food is the last thing on your mind. I know it's the last thing on my mind. - I wonder if you're hungry, though. - Yes, I am.

And I wish I could have visited every country in the whole world. You know? Even New Zealand.

So, just to clarify, you were delayed by a day. - Yeah. - My release was delayed by a day. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Christ, it's that data fuck.

Give him a handjob if you have to, just get it done, okay?

Are you seriously detaining me again? Am I being rendered? No, you're being friendered.

So just please accept our compulsory hospitality.

It's 'Black Hawk Down' with Laurel and Hardy.

Guess what. I just got engaged. Are you fucking kidding me? Catherine's there, too?

Okay, we got nothing out of that but a funny story.

Why in the name of pixelated fuck would you do that? My God!

use the word, I don't know, cupcake instead of data and use happy instead of bereaved or something.

I'm supposed to have my finger on the button. But for all I know, it's been rewired and I'm just operating some sort of light in a closet somewhere.

I'm gonna treat him like my own brother, ahem, who I had murdered back in '86.

No, you're not. - Yes, we are. - But we are. I'm 48. Put your hand down.

I'm not snacking. I'm on my diet. It's a celery stick. All right, it's a cookie.

It sounds like you've been kidnapped by the Taliban.

He's half dead. - Half dead? - Yeah, he's been half-acuted.

She's fucking ethnic! This is Latinageddon.

I wish I was that guy on death row. Apparently he's vomiting black bile.

He gets sexy Mexi. What am I stuck with? Doyle? Steve Martin's boring older brother.

God, you'd think they could do that right. Death row... the clue is in the name.

Isn't that spooky? Not even remotely.

And you never know. Someday somebody might just... (imitates gunshot)

The shitty, two-faced, fat fucking turd said no.

He died. - Oh, finally, right? It's one less thing to worry about.

I guess we could all eat pussy all day long, too, right?

Have you been sent from the future to destroy me? 'Cause it's working.

I think that each candidate has merits and demerits. And I don't know my left butt cheek from my right butt cheek, but I believe in listening to both butt cheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth.

Well, that was clearly about me. She's just one of those women who resents powerful women.

He has one skeleton. You're looking at her.

Madam President, I... I had a feeling that this was in the wind. Sure, okay. Yeah. I'm afraid, with deep regret... Oh, my God. That I'm going to have to accept.

Well, you know, it's funny because we actually bumped teeth there.

Selina's sexual tension delusion: 'Did you get a load of that lone squirrel comment?' 'And that means?' 'Exactly.'

'We almost... Kissed?' 'Fucked.'

'We have the full power of the National Weather Service, Mike.' 'Sure, but this is a really good app.'

'I was veep, they polled other candidates, fucked me in my slack old ass. Sound like a best seller?'

'I don't want to break a tit. They weren't cheap.'

'I should be riding in a basket in the front like E.T.'

'The only thing I can see is my eyeball. That's a great image. Vital, dynamic.'

'Not co... I don't get corns.'

the cold got to us and then you decided... you wanted to walk home. Yeah, I love to walk at night.

'You're a guy, okay? You can't have any idea what I'm talking about. That's right, I am a guy. And Tom's a guy. You want me to talk to him like guy on guy?'

'I'm going commando at tomorrow's pancake brunch.' 'What? No underwear?' 'What? No. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that'll win me the election. A nice shot of my beav.'

'Fun fact... scopolamine was first used as a truth serum by the Czechoslovakian state police. How is that fun?'

'It fell at the first fence and it got shot. And now some French fucker's got it in a baguette.'

Come on, let's go. You don't have to say hi to them. We've already said hi to these folks. Come on.

You don't have the cheekbones for depression.

Take this fork, stab me right here in the carotid.

That's basically a quiz on the entire world.

Plus we had tits and ass. So we had the whole thing going for us, really.

Well, that's fucking not good.

And it's about as doomed as my donut habit.

put it up on craigslist or something?

Well, that's the dream, certainly, but I'm not sure we'll achieve it in this generation.

He comes here to kill me and he doesn't even know my name?

I'll take all of it.

So I'm in the firing line for the second time today.

It's like they took the word brain tumor and changed it to Selina Cyst.

Plus I had my whole face done.

I have been sober for 27 hours, so let me take that off your hand while I jump off the wagon.

Fuck my face.

Fuck my face.

It's really difficult talking to you now that you're sober.

No, Gary, it's the same one. He's doing a victory lap.

The only person who's interested in killing you, Deborah, is here in this room.

The only person who's interested in killing you, Deborah, is here in this room.

God, Gary, I wish to Jesus that you had gotten this flu instead of me. Oh, my God, me, too. Me, too.

There's also a cool tile game on here if you want to play a game. A what? A tile? Which, of course, you don't want to play.

I think I just sneezed up part of my pancreas.

Yeah, ahem, or maybe I can get a new doctor. In which case I'll just say keep taking the fluids, ma'am.

I feel like I'm captain of the Titanic and I carved out the iceberg myself.

I can sleep when I'm dead in about an hour.

Oh, no, I was just sending a memo. I didn't want to keep interrupting all the time. That is very considerate. Thank you.

Send memo. Jesus. I'm not getting any memos. Oh, now I am.

And you've got to be aggressive, though, you know? Man up here a little bit. Be aggressive? I'm starting to get really angry, Senator.

My future depends on that dumb fucking elf?

She's probably gonna die just to spite me. That evil bitch.

We should have hired Navy SEALs instead of those two actual seals.

How do you lose a whole person? A cuff link I get, but not a person.

You guys are. You're parasites. You're like an infestation of mediocrity.

You're Fozzie Bear who's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin.

Call NASA. They've got to have a satellite that can pinpoint a moron.

I feel like I'm about to kick it old school and die in office.

Guess I should kill it. Is the right answer.

Dallas. I love Dallas, Texas. No, it needs to be a foreign city.

He even walks dumb. Every time I see him, I hear circus music.

Come on, Owen. It's your time to shine, you dim fucking bulb.

Apart from, like, having a raccoon take a shit in my head.

Look, I wouldn't ask you to do anything I wouldn't do myself. And while that isn't true, find some comfort in it.

Fuck you, America.

That's why I included the second glossory.

I would never, ever let that happen. And if it had happened, which it absolutely did not, I would make sure that something was done about it.

Don't touch me.

Yes, and I have just then.

Um, Gary has a very limited set of skills. Mainly I would say they are picking objects up and then putting objects back down.

I'm sorry about that. I just had to get a snack. My blood sugar was dropping, so...

I have to go. I've got to call the president of Africa. So... I mean South Africa specifically, you know, so...

Um, I had grown quite fond of dear Jason.

This may be a good day for truth, but a sad day for love.

I don't have time for friends.

Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states.

Fuck! / What? / Cramp.

I could pardon you? That wouldn't look good. You'd be the first person to say that. I'm not entirely sure I would in this circumstance.

Hey, Bill, I got a lot on the line with my presidency right now, so I don't really have time to be thinking about your whatever the fuck it is. Probable imprisonment. Exactly.

About something specific, or...? Should the president and I have swapped roles? For? For the election. This election. There's an election going on.

Rescinded is my new favorite word!

I don't want to be impotent. In your administration. Oh, right!

You want to run my economy? Bank of Tom James.

Want your face on money or something? Want that TV? Take it.

I could crack a walnut in my ass.

I know that my job can be hard on you and that was a bit of a bummer, huh? Yeah, just a little bit.

Yeah, and he was, like, 60. He was 35.

men are horrible. Okay? I mean, I have to just tell it to you like it is, honey. But all men are awful. Really. And the key is to just find a man who's the least horrible.

Horrible.

God, it always seems longer with Catherine.

This fucking job sucks anyway.

I'm taking the White House. Please leave the hot tub on.

You do your best. You try to serve the people and then they just fuck you over. And you know why? Because they're ignorant and they're dumb as shit. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy.

So you mean that I might lose this election to my fucking vice president?

A tie is unprecedented. So is becoming the first lady president. So is that jackoff becoming president through the back door.

The rule book's been torn up now and America is wiping its nasty ass with it.

That fucking guy with his fucking charm and his fucking son and his fucking wheelchair with his spine all fucked up.

Amy Brookheimer who so successfully ran my campaign until she became unwell.

Ma'am, I seriously overstepped the mark going out onstage. That was a fuck-up. Yeah, I'll say. You might want to watch that if you become president.

Ma'am, I seriously overstepped the mark going out onstage. That was a fuck-up. / Yeah, I'll say.

Can we have the room? Fantastic speech, ma'am. The three Ss... strength, stability and bullshit.

I forgot to thank the voters for making our country look like a high school Spanish club.

Didn't those founding fuckers ever hear of an odd number?

Two great Greek contributions to society... democracy and getting fucked up the ass. I've tried both and they're way overrated, like jazz.

My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister. Well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest.

There is no world in which I am going to be vice president to that smug, Dick Van Dyke-looking motherfucker Tom James.

Oh, believe me, I know what she majored in. 65 grand a year to watch movies.

Okay, we don't have time to hear the story of your syndrome. What about your minor, dance? Why don't you make up a little kind of a dance about the election? You know, you can't decide should you dance or should you not dance?

You're gonna shatter the bulletproof glass in here.

Life gives you Yemen, you got to make Yemenade.

The only thing Catherine ever finished was an entire ice cream cake.

Actually, four Christian missionaries burned to death. Oh, even better.

This thing on the side of my face feels like a dog nipple.

You're a nincompoop. We are in the middle of a tied election. There is no time for some Chinese baby.

Cancel it and see if you can get your money back. Fortune cookie say you fuck up big-time, round eye.

Too bad you're not counting your missteps. You'd be done by breakfast, right?

How many abortions does a pro-lifer have to pressure his mistress into before the people turn on him? Three.

I don't think that we're symposium on race desperate yet.

Oh, they all look alike to me. What? Not Chinese people, but pictures of children.

Any chance they fixed the Wi-Fi? I'll check.

I am not quite seeing it, um, only because I'm... well, you are...

Nev-add-a. Oh, my God. I get to be president. I don't have to move.

I actually did my doctorate in recount procedures in the West. Excellent work, Richard. Richard works for me.

He says, 'The market crash caused a blotch on the face of America.' Is that about my pimple?

You baked a fucking soufflé on my face.

Did he just say zit? How come no one ever tries to assassinate a vice president?

No, he's... God, he's deviating from the book of the things that he should do. You mean off the rails. Oh. Fine, he's off the rails.

You can't fire me, I quib. You know it's supposed to say quit. Well, I just fired you anyway. You can't quib, you rebard.

It's called POTUS. Pimple of the United States. There are 220,000 followers as of five minutes ago. How many Twitter followers do I have? Approaching that.

I'm not picking up any respect. But you're getting the declining?

All you're doing right now is making me hungry. So why don't you do something about that?

I LBJ'd you, okay? I'm the LBJ queen and you are Sargent 'Suck It' Shriver.

Kind of like the national debt.

Kind of like the national debt.

And this thing up my ass has got to get removed, too.

Then I declare a state of go fuck yourself.

I don't mean this to sound insensitive, but don't you think that mudslides are the funniest kind of natural disasters? I've always been partial to sinkholes. You know, ah! Those are hilarious. Nature's trapdoor.

What the fuck is going on here? Why are they all white? Looks like the NHL All-Star Weekend.

We need to round up some blacks and fast. We need to round up... Don't say it over the radio, asshole.

Faces from the savannahs of Africa to the cities and towns of England. Faces from... from Holland and even perhaps Norway.

In your fucking face, Sue.

I'm having reservations about the reservations.

I'm meeting troops and shaking God only knows what.

maybe we can get some six-year-old Asian kid to fix it.

Seriously, I'm more Hispanic than she is. You know? Where's she from, Santo Connecticut?

Harpo, Chico, and Shito.

Maybe they can find out what some of these people are doing.

This Olympic-size swimming pool of shit that I'm doing the backstroke in right now?

Can't milk it! I don't even know what that means.

A bit of an asshat? Actually, I was gonna say a champion for the middle class, but I kind of like your thing better to tell you the truth.

Two grand? Where'd you find that? In your sofa seat cushion?

Not in jail for what she did to you.

It's bronze. Oh. Oh, bronze medal.

Fuck am I supposed to do with this?

I just sometimes need a little banking task force.

I don't want that kind of banking task force. I want the banking task force that I want.

Oh, my God, this is my house. This is my house.

Can you go tell him to fuck a bag of glass or something?

Why did Tom James just wrap up his balls in butcher paper and put them in my purse?

Come on, that's like saying that the cat doesn't like you or that table doesn't like you.

In another person it would be bragging, but with you it's something different.

You know, I hardly ever did that with President Hughes. And even when we did, I was just kind of going through the motions.

No, oh, wait a minute. You mean Nevada. Nevada. What did I say? You said Nebraska.

He fucked me and then he fucked me? What, is he trying to fuck me?

Were you fantasizing I had some sort of a goatee and was on the wait list for a liver?

Over? I didn't even know it was a thing. Absolutely not a thing. And if it was a thing, it's over.

Even Wall Street's got a boner for you guys. - Really? The market's up? - No, it's flat. But not down is straight up for us at this point.

I got a great idea. Why don't we give the Chinese their own log-ins and passwords? Okay? Save everybody a lot of time.

- Got a few fowl questions. - What?

Charlie says O'Brien won't go down on his wife without biscuits and gravy.

- Amy, set it up. - The injunction or the dick slapping?

I just... I feel trapped like a Saudi housekeeper.

Oh, come on, please, Bob, I would never stay at Caesar's.

Catherine, do not use any of the vulgar parts. - Yeah, but that's like all of it, Mom.

Because they're a sneaky bunch of fucks.

Hi, ma'am. If you hear this, do not tweet. - Mike, what are you doing?

I just direct messaged Charlie. - No, it was public. Everybody saw it on Twitter.

I pushed that feather button. - I know, you tweet... that's a tweet.

Gary, I did it the way you showed me to do it. - But that's not the way I showed you to do... - That's exactly the way that you showed me to do it.

You better not.

Well, what the FOL are we supposed to do about this?

My God, I hated those things.

You're the one who suggested we all live in the Matrix. - Ma'am, nobody chose to live in the Matrix.

Whose side were you on?

Have them what? Have them help us park in front of a fire hydrant?

Yes! This is better than phone sex. - Well, I just came.

She's a fucking cunt. - You didn't hear it from me.

Can I not have just one minute to enjoy this? / I'll ask the Chinese

Why is my hair all spinning around and these things, like you, are doing nothin'?

Is it too late to turn them into oil derricks?

Again?

It's just your toothy smile.

Oh, call Kent.

Amy, I thought you were talking about the recount. Don't ever, ever scare me like that again.

You brought a date. / I don't know her.

I just want to say my wife is obsessed with your spiced eggnog. We drink it year-round. / It makes a really yummy ice cream. / Shut up.

I mean, the campaign's over. I don't have to pretend to like country music anymore.

Mee-Maw's favorite song is whatever is playing in the background at Neiman Marcus.

Honey, if I wanted to talk to an unconscious person, I'd book myself on Charlie Rose.

She always wore dishwashing gloves when she gave me my bath. Which is why I don't do dishes. I just now realized that.

So she's not gonna bounce back?

Oh, 'Stephen Hawking' here is indisposed, so I'll just...

I just needed to get a break from the Hindu Grim Reaper out there.

How is half a percentage point in the polls supposed to sweeten that shit biscuit?

Well, that is some wild and heavy stuff. / Indeed. / Yeah. I got some real soul-searching to do.

What do you pray for? / You, you know...

'O Lord God, it's me, Selina.' O Lord God. It's me, Selina...

Lord, let her daughter, Thy humble servant, be the first woman elected President of the United States.

No, I mean actually lift me up 'cause my heel is stuck in this thing.

Sounds like you shoplifted a bunch of vibrators.

Oh, my prayer worked, right?!

You pulled the plug without me? / It wasn't a plug. It was a ventilator tube that they just...

Thomas fucking Kinkade couldn't paint Mee-Maw in a positive light.

what it was like to be the only daughter of a pathological narcissist. I mean, all this woman did was criticize me or ignore me.

Really? Protesters? This country's just lost its sense of decency. - Well, they're animals. - No, no. Heavens, no. - They're well-wishers.

Oh, my goodness. I feel like a bride. A sad bride because, of course, this is a day of grief.

Oh, my goodness. I feel like a bride. A sad bride because, of course, this is a day of grief.

Billy Joel is gonna sing.

You're gonna cancel this recount like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah.

Maybe I'll get assassinated.

So who's fisting the American economy while he's here?

How soon after meeting you did he ask you to invest in his latest venture? - 17 seconds. - Really? - I timed it.

When do you have the time, then, Mom? When? Because you don't like Tim McGraw, then nobody is supposed to like Tim McGraw. Catherine, you are forbidden from saying the words 'Tim McGraw' ever again.

They're into ass play? No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.

They're wet-fingered. / They're into ass play?

We lost the popular vote. / Oh, God.

My mother had a good piano.

I have lost... so much.

Catherine, play the Tim McGraw thing.

your mother decided to leave the bulk of her estate to Catherine. / The bulk?

and also for tax evasion.

Maybe I can pardon a car with a defective airbag...and we can wrap up Michigan.

Can somebody reach around the back of Kent's head and power him down?

Any chance we can switch those? I'll turn the graphs upside down.

Whip it good. What is that? Devo.

My eyelids are seriously starting to look like Keith Richards' ball sack.

God, all that exercising and Glorious Leader still can't seem to take off a pound, right? That haircut's not doing him any favors.

A De-bagging? Is that what you just said? I thought you said tea-bagging.

No! He's the old face of this administration. This is the new face.

It really hurts to roll my eyes.

Bordello Bill is giving me advice.

Why couldn't he have waited until after the weekend?

If I had known that, I would have killed him myself.

Why are there two place settings? You know Charlie's not coming, right?

And he also said he'd kick you off the ticket.

See, there's that Doyle dazzle and I'm a big fan of it.

I love it. Domestic abuse jokes. They just tickle me.

Somewhere in the world there's a woman exactly my age getting her pussy eaten and I'm stuck here watching this.

What is that?

That's the literal definition of bailing something out. / There will be no bailouts.

Thanks, Kent's autism.

How is Catherine there and also here?

Why does it keep doing the turning?

You're just sitting here farting into my couch.

That's my final solution.

How do you look so good with all this stress? You're glowing. You actually look younger. What did you do?

Do you want to just have sex? / Yeah. / It's got to be quick, though. I got wheels up at 9:30.

Dan, I cannot fucking believe how terrible you are at your job. What, are you running on a platform of higher taxes and episiotomies?

What, are you running on a platform of higher taxes and episiotomies?

I'm gonna come up there myself and I'm gonna shoot you in your fucking mouth.

Well, you can thank 'When Gary Met Sally' for that one.

Well, you can thank 'When Gary Met Sally' for that one.

'Cause this definitely would have killed her.

So who called me a cunt? Was it everybody? Pretty much, yeah.

How did you know I have a minivan? - Just a good guess.

Ugh, yeah.

I mean, my license expired a few years ago, but I get the general idea.

My Donald. He has chemo today. (GASPS) Fantastic.

Well, I suppose putting a few pictures up of Muhammad never hurt anyone.

She's a lesbian, Mike. She's not a werewolf. Although either one would explain why she never shaves her legs.

When does the White House's most useless press secretary list come out? I can't wait to see who's number one this year. - I voted for Mike.

Well, it makes sense. He's got beautiful eyes.

Oh, you made it so far and then you just... (SIGHS)

Does she know I'm not the president of Cuba?

Are you wearing cologne? A little. (SNIFFS) Smells like birdseed.

Do you want to play it more like a mystery?

Okay, can you just speak English, Catherine? 'Cause I don't know what you're trying to say.

We'll keep it under the gaydar.

Who doesn't love a cappella, right? It's like a magic trick 'cause there are no instruments, of course.

You mean 11:00? Over there? Seriously, can you really not tell time?

That's not his wife. - Okay. - This is one of my staffers, Nadia. - She's a prostitute.

Listen, I wish I was hip enough to hang here with you all, but I've got to go deal with... - You're a busy girl. - Tell Liz I love her.

Well, at least we know you don't need big balls. - Got large stones for sure.

she's got your balls in her hand and she's working your shaft just the way you like it. And moments before you're about to come all over her stupid Slavic face, she says, 'Nyet, after much prayerful consideration, I have to abstain from the upcoming blowjob.' Are you Nadia in this situation?

You're trying to get up the courage to ask me to dance. (LAUGHS) Guilty.

(WHISPERS) the Cocksucking Backstabber.

Oh, right, right. Um... (WHISPERS) the Cocksucking Backstabber.

How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake?

What? Charlie Baird? What does Charlie Baird have to do with any of this? - I don't know. He's got nothing to do with it.

How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake?

No straight man remembers a woman's shoes.

All right, I wanted to fuck your brains out! - There you go. And now you're trying to fuck me tonight. - No, I am fucking you tonight.

It's where Woodrow Wilson had some of his most significant strokes.

You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head fucking hen.

And then I'm gonna have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer.

Or do I need to shove a box of White House M&Ms up your stretched-out, six-baby vag?

Which one of you Johnny Appledick shit for brains came up with that bit?

He looked like Ike Turner handing Tina a snack.

Do you realize that you just handed O'Brien New Hampshire chained to a radiator with its twat shaved?

Oh, I'm excited to get to know fun Marjorie, too. When is she arriving?

I'm just kidding. I'm just teasing.

So you're gonna have to keep Charles Ponzi and pussyride away from me.

It sounds delicious and it's adorable. So I'm gonna call it delorable.

See? We can all do it.

Oh, so that's two things she's turned you into.

But it tastes like a ham? - Yeah, it's close. - Not at all.

How about you touch neither of us?

Okay, well, that's terrifying, but I actually do think we need to get some wood from outside.

What do you got going there, Depravey Crockett?

How is it that that Asperger salad inserted herself into this situation?

No, I'll tell you what he likes. Nordic beav.

You're menopausal as well. - No, I'm not. - Well... - What? No, you are.

Stuck in security. I don't know how that happened. - I got the tracking number.

I noticed two golf carts filled with Asian people. - Yeah, we should go. - That's the kitchen crew and the chef.

Thank you. I didn't get any of that except strawberries.

It looks just like my daughter Catherine.

Your daughter is a beautiful woman and this is a piglet. - It's upset.

Believe me, if you say SeaWorld to Catherine you will understand what I'm talking about.

which is local to us and it's also close to Asia, which makes it local to you as we are all local friends.

No, not for him, for me.

Or rolls, I should say.

Except without any food.

My family is here as a cover story.

It's the NRA. It's a Christmas miracle.

Then why is my wonton soup so cold every time they deliver it?

Sort of an intermezzo emergency.

Oh, no.

I mean, Daddy loves you, sweetie, but he's a crook.

You have a very narrow vagina? - Well, tight. In the States we say tight.

I love 'Mary Poppins.'

Worry about your own unemployment in Finland. - We don't have unemployment in Finland.

Freedom log.

Oh, H.R. Fucknstuf, Jonah won the election?

You're taking my daddy's house and turning it into some Club Med for goats?

Alabama first in the alphabet, last in every other fucking thing.

Yeah, well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest.

I'm gonna have to have approval over all of this footage, Catherine, okay?

Daddy did a lot of business with Bebe Rebozo.

When you have those kinds of negative feelings, you just pick them up and you stuff them in your box and you close it down tight and you take that box and you shove it way back here in your... in the corner of your head and swallow that key.

Wait, is that when you had your nervous breakdown? No, no, I did not... no, I went to a spa, sweetie.

You listen to me, all right? You are already dead. What you do now you do for your family.

Is my entire presidency about to have its neck snapped by Congressman Lennie here?

It's like the best episode of 'Falcon Crest' ever.

All right, I wanted to fuck you! That's right! And now you're trying to fuck me again tonight. No, I am fucking you tonight! No, I'm gonna fuck you! No, no, no, no, no...

Marjorie is insufferable, okay? There are other... there are other fish in the sapphic sea, babe.

My God, in 12 years, I'm gonna be a shriveled-up can of ass.

Seriously, I can't... I mean, my political window just slams shut the second I can't wear sleeveless dresses.

my political window just slams shut the second I can't wear sleeveless dresses.

Please, God, deliver Jonah to Congress and then give him any kind of cancer. I don't care.

Oh, you're clutching your bag like I'm gonna steal it.

That's literally the least you can do.

I wouldn't be your veep if there were a grassy knoll full of Jodie Foster fans in the front row at your inauguration.

General George Washington could climb out of his grave right now and I would rather eat out his zombified wooden asshole twice a day than be his vice fucking... fucking anything!

Out of how many? - 44. You were right ahead of James Buchanan, who many feel caused the Civil War.

Kent, can you give a girl some warning next time before you jam it in the back door?

Oh, God. I can't take that much acoustic guitar.

Wherever they have prostitutes. These guys could help you.

It's really more of a copresident position. Wouldn't you agree with that, Ben? - Sure.

You have decided to throw away every last shred of dignity you have and accept my offer of the vice presidency. - I... I guess so, yeah.

It's like a shitty Groundhog Day.

But feel free to follow along on the television or perhaps on one of the many bugs that you've planted throughout the White House

Now you know what it feels like.

Yeah, she seems really, really large for a baby. - I was a tall kid when I was three.

So what's the reason now, then?

I don't even remember how to drive.

I don't even remember how to drive. I need a wallet. And stamps. I've got to get stamps

And then it turned out to be the 12 loneliest months of my life.

Oh, my God, I hope I didn't fuck Richard.

Girls will cost you later. Mm, girls are the worst

And where exactly in Ohio are you from, Laura?

Your head is so far up Montez's ass. Next time it's Alejandro's birthday, he's gonna come all over your face.

Or winning presidential elections. - Well, that's not true. - Yeah, it is.