Darryl Philbin

Darryl Filben, then Bridges, then Rige, then Roger, then Miter' Rogers.

Where did you get 'em, like, Queers 'R' Us? Boys 'R' Us.

I banged this girl right here. Yes, this is the one. You banged her? Right here. You are a naughty girl.

I wasn't. So you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable.

Actually, Bob Vance bought out the warehouse. So he's keeping on the whole crew. So we're good.

Darryl's reaction to receiving the photo and Michael's mortification

Darryl asking 'How do I get you out of this picture?'

Darryl already forwarding the photo despite Michael's correction email

kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled... 'Hey, Darryl, how's it hangin'?'

It's a big, red trash compactor. / It's not a trash compactor! It's a bailer.

Sedimentary. / Sedentary. / Yes, 'which can contribute to heart disease.' / Heart disease kills more people than bailers. / That's called having a fat butt, Michael.

You live a sweet little NERF-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it.

You told me that I lead a... a cushy, wimpy, NERF life. / Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for.

I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you. / Do you really mean that? / I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.

You Braveheart, man. / I Braveheart. I am.

Her? Yes, 'Her' is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not.

It's a big red trash compactor. / It's not a trash compactor! / It's very dangerous, okay. / Don't disrespect a baler, Mike.

That's called having a fat butt, Michael. / No. No, it's sedentary. / Yeah, that's fat butt disease. / That's what you suffer from? / You have fat butt disease, Michael?

You live a sweet little nerfy life sitting on your biscuit never having to risk it.

You told me that I lead a... A cushy, wimpy Nerf life. / Yeah. / But I never said you had nothing to live for.

Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well you got to be you.

I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave. / I'm braver than you? / Way braver. / You Braveheart, man. / I Braveheart. I am.

Darryl to Kelly: 'It's either your daughter or me.' Kelly: 'My daughter.'

Oh, no, no. He works here, dumb-ass.

What's rap?

Yes! Way to go! See that? Yeah. The floppy-haired girl you date won a point.

She thought I was mcnabb. I can see that.

Those Duke boys are at it again. Hey, do not touch my radio

Sometimes when I'm down like this, it helps to sing the blues

What's his name? I'm thinking Roy. Roy left years ago.

Literally,every song is better a ppella. Name a song. Cherry pie. Warrant. Better a cappella. Really? Yeah.

Man, I was mad as hell at the time. But I said, 'Darryl, just wait. He's a fool. There's going to be an opportunity. Just be patient.'

The only thing I could make out clearly was, 'Andy, problem, eliminate.'

I do not want to prank anymore.

Why would you think a lady is me?

I'm telling them you sexually harassed my sister.

Are you scared? Never. About what? A little. What are you talking about? Heard about the punch. What punch? Pam. She's gonna punch the crap out of your face after work.

And Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now. I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand what's going to happen.

Matt's a pretty good-lookin' dude, don't you think? I'll just leave it here with ya.

Mike, get off of the lift. Please! Come on, now. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

I like you. But you need to access your un-crazy side.

Now mike, I have to ask you to leave so that I can learn about this tiny television.

I'll call this a deck if it'll make you happy, but this is just a porch without a roof.

Let me tell you something, Oscar, all right? Matt's an okay dude, but he's a dummy. You guys got nothing in common.

Yeah, ha, ha, tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that. I brought those in. It's my birthday.

That's some stone-cold narcissism right there.

Those don't really count. We're thinking more ethnic and racial minorities. Come here. Come here. Ten seconds ago, this guy was driving a forklift. Okay? Now, all of a sudden, he's cinderella of the office.

White people, right? I don't know if she was white. Well, you can kind of tell from the voice. Yeah.

I could be the indian julia roberts. That's not-- she's--okay.

Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment That he forgot to process. We got yelled at pretty bad. Almost lost my job, And I was mad as hell at the time. But I said, 'darryl, just wait. he's a fool, there's gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient.'

I don't wanna prank anymore. Things get real. It's not funny. I'm just gonna be good, stay in my room, Go to church, Try to do one nice thing per day. I do not wanna prank anymore.

He don't give an F about nothing.

Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home.

I was talking to this girl at a bar. Oh, no, no, no. I think she could sense my sadness. And I found out too late that she was a copyeditor at the Trib.

I weirdly know exactly what you're saying to me. So, I'll see you in Meredith's van in five minutes. Okay, you didn't need to actually say that.

All you need is one scapegoat. Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl. That's just what we need, another black man in prison, you know?

Tiny. Darryl Hanah.

Hey, I think this guy playing sweeney Todd is my plumber.

Apparently, the director discovered him doing karaoke. It's his first play. He didn't even audition.

How's the toilet? Silent.

This plumber has pipes.

What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski. (ALL LAUGHING)

Are you crying? No, I'm just sweating. I don't know what's got you upset, but my advice is stop crying. I'm not crying. I'm sweating.

I have no idea what his problem is. It's just my standard advice. It's good advice, right?

Darryl hiding ream of paper in shirt thinking he might get hit

Michael trying to get shy Darryl to come out and embrace being a superstar

Darryl listing what everyone else did for him vs Michael

Michael's hat solution for decision making

Andy's Cornell a cappella story interrupting Darryl's problems

You gotta stop texting me so much. But I wanted you to know that Michael and I are wearing the same tie today. It's insane.

B.T.B. Bring that Booty.

You're one bad text away from gettin' blocked. Yes, but one good text away from a high five.

Come to parking lot. Crazy pigeon action.

That's a text. Yeah, right? That's a new standard.

iCarly... You know who's funny on that show? The friend with the video camera. He's got a nice way of talking.

I thought I was enough family for my daughter.

Thank you for your interest in my truck.

Well, it turns out she's burning up because the star is right behind her ear! And the game's over seconds later.

'Hey, what book is that?' 'Cool, let's hang out tonight.' 'Sex already? Whoa.'

2011 is coming up all Darryl.

What'd you get? A book about oceans. Oh, really? What else? Let me see. That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.

The day shift at a strip club? You can't un-see that.

I don't know. Single moms at a skating party? Sweet 16, 10-year reunion parties. Chicks fall down, need help getting back up. Roller derby practice.

What a rush! That's all I had to do all year. Congratulations. All right. Well, all right, see you tomorrow.

Why did we pretend like we work here? Is that what we were doing?

A book about oceans. Oh, really? What else? Let me see. That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.

The day shift at a strip club? You can't un-see that.

Chicks fall down, need help getting back up. Roller derby practice. (GROWLING JOYFULLY)

His name is Andy. And he roller skates like a Greek God. And you know what? I kind of like hanging out with him.

I did it! You did? A perfect cartwheel. (LAUGHING) Okay, good! What a rush! That's all I had to do all year.

'I'm supposed to be wearing red gloves, but my color cartridge portal got jammed again.' Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Gloves. Keep it real.

I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once have I used the real captions to Family Circus.

That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason, me.

It is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean John in Bhutan.

Congratulations, Darryl. Let's get wasted.

Have fun today, big guy. Oh, yeah. Party time. Whoop-whoop.

Birthday punches! One, two, three...

Darryl is a jerk. No, he's not. No, I'm just testing if he can hear. I can hear you.

Yeah, you really did, 'cause I know every inch of that warehouse. Yep. Super lucky.

Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days. Yeah. You know what? I think I saw one sick day... I think maybe I saw five. Three.

Here's a chapter called 'Gum.' With one sentence. 'Everybody likes the guy who offers them a stick of gum.'

Darryl said I could use the baler because I'm leaving. No.

Under special skills, Mr. Don Finer put juggling. What's wrong with juggling, Darryl? I'm a big juggler. I actually perform a motivational juggling routine.

Mad respect from a brother! The man is paying me to take Chinese. I will say what I need to say. And soon, I will say it in Chinese.

I don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a gunshot victim, and it got to me.

Darryl's sexual innuendo about barely being able to walk

When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool. They won playing my birthday.

I'm not checking e-mail till lunch. Four hour work week.

They guys did invite me out to celebrate, but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.

Now it smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement. And taco air is heavy. It settles at the lowest point.

Glenn is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club. But on a boat. And Hide is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals.

Don't just take the first job that comes your way. 'Cause next thing you know, it's 10 years later, and you're still there. You could write your obituary tomorrow. It's not going to change.

Then I think you should fire me. I'm not going to fire you. Yeah, just put me out of my misery.

Would you just fire me, man? Because you didn't win the lottery?

Make me manager or fire me. The job was mine, Andy. Everyone said it was mine.

Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but you should probably know I technically don't have a hearing problem. It's just when there's a lot of noises... Nate. Please.

He didn't die, his brain died.

My future's not going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's going to be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny.

What happens when we're done chewing? Do we spit it out on the floor or keep it in our mouths the rest of the time?

This is not a picnic, Phyllis. It's a garden party. There's a grill in the warehouse I could bring. Ugh, please don't. Not a barbecue. It's better than a barbecue. It's dignified, quieter, there are rules. How is that better than a barbecue?

Party's tight, E. The fog is cool. / Thanks. It's on medium.

It's not a race. Thirrr-- Third.

I'm just saying with the NBA lock-out, I think roller derby's in a really good place right now.

Maybe justine. - Bah! Nope. Not justine. Never justine. - Is that off again? - Oh, yeah.

It's not a race. Thirrr-- Third.

It's for protecting my ass when you suckers lift more than you can handle.

In the African-American community-- No.

Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast, and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry.

This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw V

Obviously, you know how a gym works. So you know I'm not gonna pay money for this

Darryl's popsicle explanation: 'Yeah, like, upstairs people 'Cause you got a stick up your butt'

this is a gay bar. / Wait, what? / Everyone in here is gay? / Yes! It's a gay bar!

Darryl's beanie dilemma: 'I can't tell if it's a "We're just friends" beanie or a "I'm hot, you're hot, let's get it popping" beanie'

'Super comfortable Like sweatpants for my head' followed by 'It's really itchy uh, but to be fair, my head is constantly itching so I can't really peg it on the hat'

Deep voice phone call revelation: 'Sorry, I asked for the main shipment number... my girlfriend some flowers. Your girlfriend? Is your girlfriend Val?'

'Why do you need a pen? Back off I got my reasons'

'So I guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address. Real deep-voiced woman'

'She said her name was Brandon, I think Your mom's name is Brandon? Yeah, Darryl. My mom's name is Brandon'

Darryl's confessional: 'out where I stand This is a love beanie'

Yes, the conference room is set up. I've got pens, I've got paper, I've got a whiteboard. - We are good to go! - Say what? We are good to go! - Say what? - We're good to go! - Stop it. Stop it. - Stop. - Say-- - Andy.

Hey, just so you know, me and you-- I don't think that's ridiculous. Dot, dot, dot... Dot, dot.

Would if I could and I can, so I will. Put me down for one box. Don't care what it is, dealer's choice. I'll put you down for shortbreads. Damn it!

Or... Chess club?

All I need is Kevin. Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined, and then some. When I first started selling cookies, he was a relatively thin man. Not a thin man, mind you. Relatively thin.

You think people are gonna buy cookies from my... Chubby daughter? Baby, if you're watching this, you're not chubby. You're beautiful.

50? Hungrier. You're not talking... Triple digits. Oh, yeah, I'm talking triple digits.

♪ hello, my baby, hello, my honey ♪ ♪ hello, my ragtime gal ♪

Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day. I don't know, man, they might think we're drag queens. Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that are also guys' names.

This may be wrong, but there's a limit to what I would do for my child. Yeah, I have my dignity too. I refuse to be another man's horsey.

Andy was Jelly Roll. Mike was Dennis The Menace. Ryan was douche bag. Hey, that's not a code name. That's just an insult.

I got a little bit of an anger problem. Got me in some trouble a couple years ago. When I see him start to get mad, I just... Put my hand on his arm like this.

Maybe we'll get sent to anger management together. That would actually be cool. I'd love for you to meet some of the guys.

This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do.

Andy made me his consigliere, which means assistant regional manager. I guess he thought I'd be into The Godfather because I'm black. Wrong! I'm into The Godfather 'cause I'm a cinephile.

I like Scarface 'cause I'm black.

127 Hours. It's about this guy who... No, no, no, no, no spoilers. Please.

This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved myself 90 seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it.

Whoa. That person has really gotten him... or herself... into quite a predicament.

Smear some peanut butter on my forehead. You know, to protect his brain from the nanobots that the government put in the air conditioning.

I can't really picture it. Can you get it on there? Yeah. And maybe get the cheeks.

Are... are you me? Yeah. I thought I'd, you know, be you.

I worked at a Jiffy Lube. See? I bet you wouldn't sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world, would you, Darryl? I would if I owned it and I went broke.

Andy, it's Darryl. Take your drawers off your head.

All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket-dialing a customer while having sex. Actually that was the sound of me eating spaghetti, but I'm going to let them think the other thing.

We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!

I'm just hoping German terrorists don't take over this Christmas party. Make me go all John McClane on their asses.

They're gonna bring you in for an interview. That's great. Right? Thanks, man. I shall come by at your convenience. Thank you, sir.

Here's how you do it. You say, 'What are you gonna do, break up with me?' Like, as a joke. And then you gain a lot of weight.

Oh, my God! Why didn't I think of this? Andy's not here.

Jim, you've got a real Facebook energy going on here, man. You Zuckerberg'ed this place out.

If this company is going down, I want to go down on it. With it, I want to go down with it.

I think it would be like... You know what? I think it'd be like a Kevin Durant jump shot, perfecto.

It's like, if I put a glass of milk on the edge of a table, and Cece knocks it over, I don't blame Cece. So, I'm like a three-year-old girl in this scenario?

Yes! I love Philly! 215 or die! Come on, man!

Killed their fish, and they still hired me! That's how you do that, baby!

L... It. LoYa V Loyaw 'Loyalty' is exactly right!

It can't be more fun than selling paper and paper products. It can. Are you pretending to be crazy?

Fun.

It's 30 degrees out, you're drinking a milkshake? Nope. Fire in the hole! Yeah!

You just threw a milkshake into a restaurant where they make minimum wage. It's a YouTube thing! Let's go, let's go! Come on. They're coming!

They make you come back and clean it up.

How much did you pay for that? Nothing. Won him at the carnival. Spent a ton on tickets, though.

But Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks, I went along with it.

It's just, he uses old T-shirts as washrags. He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently they need to 'soak.'

Already on it. I ordered them by their Google Trend rankings, so we know who to hit first. Who is this guy? (LAUGHS) We are killing it.

Oh, man, that's a bummer. I'm sorry about that. No big deal, no big deal. No, if it's a big deal, it's a big deal. No,no,no. No big deal.

I don't know. Are you going to wash it, or you gonna let it soak?

I think you might be going a little crazy with this labeling thing, man. I mean, you put your name on a five-pound bag of flour. Are you honestly saying that if I needed flour, I couldn't use that? What do you need flour for, Jim? That's not the point. What, you making bread? No, I'm not making bread. What bread you making? Pumpernickel?

What happened to my Tavis Smileys? Oh, crap, were those yours?

And why would I be asking that? So we know which truck to... Hey, while I got you on the phone, your husband is like a sloppy homeless hobo. Can you fix that?

No. Yes. Yes. Why wouldn't I?

I wanna pretend to be gay. I got no problem with that.

Stop talking about it. I said I'm fine with it.

Oh, it works. Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More in love than your small mind can comprehend.

And we have two disposable incomes and no kids, and we're taking our business elsewhere.

You're meant for a job with lots and lots of slack.

I pulled the old Irish exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all.

Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin? That's what he says. If you say so.

You broke our hearts! Get upstairs. I don't think I should. Get upstairs, mister! Right now!

These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck.

I'm not going to spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you 'cause you're feeling sentimental. You have to! Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'll do one thing with y'all.

Must've been another devilishly handsome debonair individual.