Erin Hannon

Michael's claim about stand-up comedy: 'I did stand-up comedy once. Yeah, I killed. That sounds like it was hilarious. It was hilarious.'

Erin's confusion about 'the Journal': 'Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule'

Characters revealed: Andy as Nathaniel Nutmeg and Erin as Naughty Nellie Nutmeg, the incestuous siblings

Andy's date proposal: 'I would be remiss if I did not ask the pretty young lady out on a date for this weekend.' 'Sounds like a plan, sugar.' 'All right! A plan it is.'

Character flirtation: 'How about a threesome?' 'Yeah. My boudoir's always open.' 'Nice.'

Weekend at Bernie's reference: 'I was just thinking about Weekend at Bernie's. So funny. The guy's dead the whole time.' 'I haven't seen it.'

Date reality check: 'Did you mean a real date?' 'No. Did you?' 'Totally not.'

Erin's confession: 'I thought it was for real. So I was excited, but it was part of the game.'

If we're changing names,can I be erin? It's my middle name.

Erin, how many times do I have to tell you? It is not necessary for you to ask how we are doing every time you interact with us.

You're right. I'm sorry. Now, how can I help you?

Sure, I'll give him the message when he gets up... Gets back.

Your schedule just says nine till noon is creative space. - Do you know how creative space works?

You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says, 'free play.' - Push 'free play' till tomorrow morning.

Your schedule just says nine till noon is creative space. You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says, 'free play.'

Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two? Sure. Is it okay if I put out some candy that Pam brought back from Puerto Rico? Sure. Thanks for asking.

I don't know. I think Michael has a date. No. Yeah, I think you have a date. I don't, I don't. Come on.

Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule.

Well, you know old Nellie is always up for a romp in the hay.

Of course, Nathaniel.

Savannah? That's a far way from Scranton.

I thought it was for real... So I was excited, but it was just-- it was part of the game.

I destroyed 15 young lives today. No. Yes.

90% of Scott's Tots are on track to graduate, and that's 35% higher than the rest of the school

My cat killed a turtledove. The french hens have started pulling out my hair To make a nest.

[laughs] yeah! [both chuckling] Totally. I admit it. It's me. Seriously? [chuckling] are you serious? Yeah. Totally serious. I'm your secret santa. Busted!

Twelve drummers drumming. Merry Christmas, Aaron.

No, don't! Thank you. Oh! Got it. Okay.

That's as hard as I can hint.

You named them? / Uh, Charles Schulz did.

I guess Andy likes me. I never thought of him in that way. But I guess in most romantic comedies, the guy you're supposed to be with is the one that you never thought of in that way. You might have even thought he was annoying or possibly homosexual.

Do you want me to spin you in your chair and make you dizzy? / Why would I want to do that? / It's a thinking technique. All the top executives do it. It keeps the brain moving, and a spinning brain is a working brain.

Obsessed with me much? / Well, everyone got one. / What did yours say? / Friends are worth sharing a doghouse with.

That girl can sing and dance and gets all of her clothes at the mall, and I feel like such a fool for thinking that Andy was only going after one girl 'cause Andy Bernard is a playboy, and why shouldn't he be? He's got it all.

You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong.

In your nose. / Yes.

Except once when I was in the hospital from age three to six.

I'm in my jammy jams. / That's okay, I'm in my worky works.

Plus, you don't have to sit next to this big dork and her smelly feet. / Hey, my feet aren't smelly. / They smell like roses. Smell them.

I got a picture of you asking me to lunch.

Well, happy boss's day. There wouldn't be a secretary if there was no boss.

This is a novelization of the movie Precious, Based on the Book Push by Sapphire.

I would have chosen the 1490s. 'Cause America was discovered.

And then my last job was at a Taco Bell Express, but then it became a full Taco Bell and, I don't know, I couldn't keep up.

At my foster home I never had a desk, so it's like... I don't mean that I didn't like my foster home. I did like it. I just didn't have a desk there.

Yeah, like a favorite month. Like, I liked April when I was seven.

Erin is just weird. How many pillows do you sleep on at night?

What? Sorry. About Angela. Did you say he dated Angela?

Yeah, I asked for pickles on my burger, and there are only, like, five or six. Can I get some more pickles?

In the foster home, my hair was my room.

I know about Angela. I know that you were engaged to her and that you were sleeping with her. Michael told me.

Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together?

Like that girl Precious in Precious, Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.

Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis. Oh, I like his butt. You said butt. You tricked me.

Buenos dias, erin. Buenos dias, miguel. Hello, dunder-mifflin. No, no, no, no. Solamente, en español, por favor.

I just sent myself a woof. Ryan, you have a woof on line one. Thank you, Erin. Woof!

Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise.

Thank God he's my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didn't have to.

Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful And you don't ever get to see your pictures

I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The 13-year-olds in this town Have a complete monopoly. It's almost like a babysitters' club.

I just didn't think you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and then get some ice cream And then go home.

That's broth, Gabe.

I'll see you soup. [giggles]

Erin answering phone 'How can I haunt you today?'

Erin bobbing for apples and eating them

Take Gabe, take Michael, you make 'Gaymike.'

Was it worth it, Jim? 'Cause we missed it.

I hate your roof. I'll raise the roof.

Also, Erin is jumping way too early. She's on the ground by 'three.' I didn't want to miss it.

How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover. And was a complicated part of my past, and maybe, just maybe a part of my future? She's one sassy black lady.

Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us!

Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely.

His name is New Year's Resolution Board. (STAGGERING) Shut up. Hello.

What? Shut that off. I'm not listening to the music.

I went to Portugal. I went to Portugal. Oh, wow. You went together? No. No.

I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present?

Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely.

'Is JLP a word? I Jlp you!'

Gabe's horror movie choices vs Erin liking the 'perfect family' parts

Erin stuck on cow words - moo, milk, mood, moon - 'cow jumped over the moon'

'That brilliant little bitch' - Erin about Kelly

Erin's aggressive Scrabble coaching - 'Put the Q there!' 'Sorry I yelled'

Gabe's horror movie 'Suspiria' vs Erin's 'Wall-E where all boundaries of color are pushed'

'I played ape' - Erin's winning word

'There's a Shrek 2?' - Erin's amazement

Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she's so special. And she's so not. Her personality is like a three, her sense of humor is a two, her ears are like a seven and a four.

Add it all up, and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.

Oh, really? You don't think he walked by that bakery just for the smell of it? She's right. He went that way.

Hey. Hey, you were in there forever. There's too many brands. Where's Holly? She wandered off like an idiot.

It's Michael!

You knew. What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... What are you implying? Uncanny.

Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael, we're coming for you!

I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine. A torpedo's coming right at me. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination.

I accidentally did his sudoku.

We were the only two white people there. Oh, cute.

Not if we're talking like this. I think it's okay. He doesn't seem to hear us.

Darryl is a jerk. No, he's not. No, I'm just testing if he can hear. I can hear you.

You wanted to have sex in my office. No. Definitely not. That's disgusting.

What? No. No. We took a walk. We took a walk.

Did you guys know that our own Michael Scott has made a movie, and that he maybe will let us watch it, but only if everybody's dying to see it?

Sorry we're late. Gabe fell in the shower. Such a klutz. Yeah, and it took the fire department forever to get there.

Best day ever. Best day ever. So much is happening.

Question... should I get stripes shaved into the side of my head? No. No. Please.

Oh, I hope you don't get sick, Mr. computer. Why are you doing this to me, Andy?

Try it without using your name. Dunder Mifflin. This is. Oh, yeah, I like it.

Maybe volunteer at the women's shelter, go to bed. Or, I don't know, maybe I'm going to the Dundies!

I eat lunch in the car now. It's my alone time.

I really don't like spending time with him.

I can't just dump him, Pam. I'm not like you. I can't be mean.

This is the first award I've ever won in my entire life. People were right about the Dundies, they are magical.

Gabe... We should break up. I'm not attracted to you. I just... I cringe when you talk. I have to be honest. Right, Pam?

Maybe neither. I'm not attracted to Kevin.

Who should I say is calling? Erin.

In fairness, Darryl did tell me that joke, so... Oh! Darryl's funny.

Do we not have voicemail? Dwight doesn't trust robots to give us our messages.

but it was a challenge being touched by him.

Erin, when you recount your day, never say you woke up, it's a waste of your time. That's how every day has begun for everyone since the dawn of man. - Very smart. Very smart. Suddenly... I was awake.

Pizza party! ♪ Pizza party ♪ ♪ pizza party... ♪

Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here? - Yeah, well that's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.

Chins up, okay? - Bad joke.

The cold coffee incident - Erin serving old coffee as 'cold beverage'

Tuna! Right? And this must be your lovely wife, Pam. No. Hell no. She wishes. No, no, no, no, no. No.

Is anyone filming this? Seriously? Erin! Yeah, it's either taping or calling.

That Andy. So hot and cold. One day, he's like, 'fax these documents, please.' Then the next, he's like, 'Pam, you fax them. Who cares what Erin's feeling?'

Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of one to three? / Um...Two? / That's, like, the second to last thing I wanted to hear.

How did you know I was bringing my son? / Oh, I didn't. It was for us. / That stuff's for babies. / Well, perhaps this party will awaken the baby in all of us.

But that's it? / There's nothing about me, or...I?

Remember that Halloween party you took me to once? The one where I started crying as soon as I walked in, and I didn't stop crying? / Yes. Lars and Takako's.

I will make this sexier than you could ever imagine. / No, just scary. / If we wanted ideas for scary stuff.

I'm only scared of real things, like serial killers and kidnappers. Not things that don't exist, like ghosts or mummies. / Mummies are real. There are mummies at museums.

Why on earth would a museum put a mummy in it?

Party's tight, E. The fog is cool. / Thanks. It's on medium.

Did you think I was gonna fire you? / No, I wasn't. / I'm sorry, this must be really uncomfortable for you. / I'm never uncomfortable.

31. / Wow. / I'm so happy for you guys. Um, let me know when you get to 40.

I was watching a movie and Meryl Streep had two secretaries... I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco

I know exactly which stapler to give her

'I love Jessica, and I haven't even met her yet. It's like, we don't even need to meet, you know? I already love you. Stay home'

Erin's scoliosis explanation and spontaneous demonstration

Erin's death wish for Jessica: 'I wish she was in a graveyard under the ground with worms coming out of her mouth'

'So which one are you, a murderer or a liar?'

It was a raccoon eating a hamburger like a person!

What? / I did my part, babe. I'm just the bell girl.

Well, please tell Susan we all say hi

You going tonight, kiddo? Because I can give you a lift. Oh, I don't know Meredith, it seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever

How do you know where I live? Andy followed you home after the Christmas party. Why? He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you

Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend, a restraining order

But if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive and I believe him.

Now take a chip and crush it into my face and rub the grease around. Do it. Yeah, rub it in. Yeah. That's so good

Andy's not even looking. Eating is a dead end. Damn it.

How did you know it was mine? The Bernard family seal, duh. Duh

Andy's confused. That's not what I was hoping for. But it's not so bad either

'We're pin twins' exchange between Andy and Erin about matching pins

Erin's confessional about Andy still being with Jessica and carpooling

'I wouldn't mind carpooling every day with Andy, but I wouldn't want to spend that much time with Jessica'

'He responded, "L.O.L."' followed by Erin's inappropriate laughter

'It seems to me that the Apple store is kind of like a party so I think our question is how do we make this a better party? No. We sell business tools and the stores need to reflect that. They need to be all business Let all the other stores look like a toy store. Right. Think different From Apple.'

'And I will keep it with me and I will sleep with it because it smells like you No, no, no, no, no. Just put it on my chair'

Ryan switched his name tag to his pants so now it's like if you wear yours on your shirt you're a total dip But if you switch you're a copycat But I think I figured out a solution

I'll have a glass of your oakiest chardonnay, please. And I will have a waffle with your mapliest syrup.

I'm young, and I can. And if I can't, I'm still pretty young. I guess I'll always be young.

Yeah, they keep them on 'cause it's less expensive than turning them on and off. I like how guys just know stuff all the time.

We could get a dog. We could go to R-rated movies. And who knows, I mean, you're a guy, I'm a girl-- Yeah? - We could be roommates. - Really? - Maybe in six months-- Six months?

Hey, my name's Tabitha. I'm camped out in front of the Sabre store so I can be first in line for the new pyramid. Psst. It's me, Erin.

Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas? Forget him! Yeah! Forget him! And you should forget your husband. Well...

Really good cheese samples. I had, like, a hundred.

Oh, what kind of tea is this? Oh, I boiled some Gatorade.

Erin123. That's a terrible password. And you don't "make a video chat"-- You "video chat."

Oh! Now mine's broken. Hang on. Oh, there we go. Aghh!

Yes! This is too tan. This right here. No! This is a tan spot. I don't buy it. That is a freckle. That is not a tan.

Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That's right, I'm a maid for an old lady. Her grandson's staying with us too, because he ran out of money. Listen to me, bragging away.

I've been reusing the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It's going to keep getting better.

I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.

This is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, I mean that must be nice to have parents.

And I'll remember you as a gentleman. Okay. That was one minute and ten seconds. Consider it nailed.

Probably from seeing that turkey. When we drove by the farm. Ohh. Always does it.

Hey. So last night was so not a big deal. Oh, yeah, I was just tired. We both were. Yeah. Plus, I was definitely not my normal sexy self.

Oh, those are from our weekend at the Timeshare. Yeah, the fractional ownership property.

Washington Monument. Okay. Eiffel Tower. Okay, okay.

Our sex life is none of your businesses! And Andy is the manager, not Nellie! Stop protecting me. I'm a man-- I can protect myself.

You're being a Thomas Oregon.

Well, it could be a nice letter. I write nice letters to companies all the time. That's really nice.

I got a buddy that's a big time local news producer, and I can't tell you his name, but it'd blow your mind. Is it Duncan?

Clark's not my friend. He is the douche that sits next to me at the office. My friends are Scott, Glenn and Rob, but you don't know them.

I mean, what if the ad had been for a CEO or for a brain surgeon?

I will do whatever it takes to get the job. Whatever it takes.

Afghan president Hamid Karzai declared a new policy of dollar days throughout the country, promising low, low prices on all 2012 Kia Sentras and Sonatas.

A little bit here, a little bit there. I bet you didn't think I knew current events.

Pause after news. For Channel 11 News, I'm Erin Hannon. No, pause longer.

Well, he tried to, but the fire door was blocked. He sure did.

So this is a single. Hey, even this doesn't work out for me, I'm just glad I had the guts to do it, and maybe it'll work out for Andy.

French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat.

what's your stance on politics? Or, what is the best war to do? And I will just be like, 'duh...'

I'm eating Jims. Must eat more Jims.

This isn't how I would cheer up just anyone, but it's a girlfriend's job to know her man, and I know Andy. He is seriously juvenile. He's like 40, though, right? Oh, no. He couldn't be more than, like, thirties, tops.

So this is how your family came to America. Move. Sorry? I'm trying to rig a boat here. I don't know how to do that when you're standing in the way. I'm not a ghost, so I can't walk through people.

Andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man. Fine, but I could have. As long as we're on this boat, as far as I'm concerned, you're the captain. I am the captain. Yeah. Right? Yeah! I'm the captain.

Would I have gone with him if he'd asked me? On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean? Yes. I think that would have been really fun and romantic.

Does he have a flipper? Oh. Nope. It's not that. He, uh... He flipped a table one time when he was drunk. He sounds like an idiot. Yeah, he is.

I just saw your face. Oh. I'm sorry. It's for the thing. I know. That's great. It just-- it makes it look like there's an eyebrow in the middle of your face.

you look like a cyclops whose eye fell out... which is great.

I asked Andy and he told me to chillax. And then went away on a big, long boat ride.

Don't give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house.

And I think... I think you mean John McCain.

None of this makes any sense to me!

Are you gonna kiss me? Yes.

Eiffel tower.

I haven't been trained for this.

I don't really have time to think about Pete right now. I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens.

I don't want to be a busybody, but I don't want to be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones, busybody, lazybones. Ah! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now. It's insane!

When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but it's the truth, I swear.

You left me in charge of the pens, Pam. That's what happened. The pens happened!

Well, we created a fake profile for a really cool guy named Derek McBlack. Wow.

It's just Pete in sunglasses. Oh.

Well, all right. Pete and I work well together. Not that there's anything special about Pete. It could be any guy. Or girl. Not that I'm into girls. Not that I'm into Pete. Ah! What was the question?

Alan Olifson from North Dakota. He also likes Hammermill and Georgia Pacific. Wow, that guy's really into paper. Yeah.

Awkward handshake/fist bump choreography failure between Pete and Erin

So is it all right for her to flirt with Creed, for example? Let's try it out. No, let's not say Creed. Let's say Mr. X.

ERIN: Yeah, Darryl's here. So's Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday.

Neither guy is here! And it's Friday! Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies!

So now he has to sneak out of here like the sneakiest little sneaky-sneak you ever saw.

Darryl, meet Bear-yl.

Bam, Andy! How do ya like me now?

I am really, really bad at breakups. Technically, I'm still dating my first-grade boyfriend.

I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary. And I forgot to get him something.

Erin: 'I mean, I saw Pete's butt. It's sick.'

'3:00 p.m. girl.' What? Why would they... Wait a second. Wait a second.

I once ripped Greedy Susan's pigtail right off her head just for a handful of Crispix.

Yeah! Oh, eat it, piggy! Eat it! Oink, oink, oink.

I was gonna buy you a sweater. So this is stupid.

Is Andy in? Sorry, I thought you said, 'Is Indian?' And I was like, 'Is Indian what?' Is Indian food good? Is Indian jewelry pretty? Is Indian hair an expensive kind of wig? Yes to all three, by the way.

Andy, honestly, I think you might become homeless or maybe even starve.

What?

More just like, 'Mom, I hate you,' and then she would say, 'Go to your room, young lady,' and I'd stamp my foot and run upstairs. And I have a room, which is really cool.

Mom?