Toby Flenderson

Hey we are not all gonna seat in circle in it so are we? / Get out! / I'm sorry. / No this not a joke, ok?

Technically, I am in human resources. And Dwight was asking about human anatomy. I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved.

Aren't the suggestions meant for you?

He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. / Pam?

I always set it at 69.

I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one.

Do you think that it is too late for me to have kids? Well, you need a wife first or at least a girlfriend. What about Jan? Not Jan.

I didn't even invite you to my birthday party. I work here. 'I work here.'

Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael. / Yes, it is. / No, it's not. It's a type of pipe.

That box is the special file in New York.

Actually, I have a separate folder for complaints against Michael. This is January through March of this year.

Should I keep going?

Toby's bird story and Michael's aggressive interrogation about checking its vital signs

They're teasing you. To be funny.

Clean it in your car.

Toby explaining HR disclosure requirements while Michael accuses him of being a 'skeevy little perv'

Toby... Yeah! I just want Phyllis to have a great day. Phyllis and you will be great together. We are great together. We are a great team. The Celtics were a great team. Yes. Yes, they were. Robert Parish...

I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon. Well, nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know. Dude, keep it together.

Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like a half an hour every hour. / Take them at the same time.

Like sometimes, computers can explode. / Can they not? / No, no.

What about a long-sleeved tee? / Well, that'll work. / Long johns? A shawl?

Sedimentary. / Sedentary. / Yes, 'which can contribute to heart disease.' / Heart disease kills more people than bailers. / That's called having a fat butt, Michael.

That's like a half an hour, every hour? / Take them at the same time.

Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not? / No. No.

sedimentary lifestyle / Sedentary.

Oh, you know what? Uh, you're not going. It's beach day. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Toby.

Hey... want my sunscreen? Oh, great. I forgot mine, and I'm wearing a two-piece. Thanks, Toby.

I don't think you understand how jeopardy works. Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is 'We're fine'?

For the record, I've never been involved with anyone at work in any capacity.

Let's just wait and see what happens, you know. What? Well, let's just wait.

You hadn't noticed she's a woman? I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?

Toby: 'Ryan used me as an object.' Michael: 'So whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.'

Made so many s'mores, that I finally had to say, 'No more s'mores, no more s'mores.'

My birthday was two months ago. There was no party. Well, it... there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot.

If I had somebody to set you up with, Michael, then I'd take her for myself.

I... am moving to Costa Rica. Thought about it... for a long time now. And I'm finally gonna do it.

So... I'm just gonna hop the fence and jog home then.

Mike gave me a list of his top ten springsteen songs. Three of them were huey lewis and the news. One was tracy chapman, fast car. And my personal favorite, Short people.

I'm not going to punch you, Michael. / Are you really not going to punch him? / No, why would I punch you? / Son of a bitch.

You wanna hear a lie? / What? / I think you're great. You're my best friend.

Toby's arrival interruption: 'Sorry, I'm late, boss. What's going on?' 'Sir, there has been a murder, and you are a suspect.'

If you ever put sun block on a window, you might be Michael Scott.

oh,my god. i think the eagles could clench the n. f. c. east. and she said that we're done.

The sales department smashed my sandwich. Yes. All of them. Together. It's a conspiracy.

That's what she said. Yeah.

Hey, Jim... Not now, Toby. My God! Jesus. Get the hell out of here, idiot!

or you can sit on the shredder.

That's why they pay me the big bucks.

You know, I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me, we'd become friends.

What's the matter? Can't fight your own battles? Maybe you should just take the rest of the day off, you know?

Yeah, yeah, okay, you're a jackass.

Oh...The antichrist. You cannot push religion. Oh, but I can push drugs in here. Is that what you're saying? Well, you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison.

Um... Nothing comes to mind.

Happy is a funny word. In what way? You know... You know, what does it mean to be happy? Keep philosophers busy for a while.

You don't know? I don't know. You're the head of human resources. I don't know.

I don't want to lie. And I don't want to tell the truth.

That's what she said. - Yeah. - Yeah.

Then we'll all go out and get pizza, maybe catch a movie, late-night drink. Some more pizza, call it a night. Does it have to be pizza? Can we go for a falafel?

Those don't really count. We're thinking more ethnic and racial minorities. Come here. Come here. Ten seconds ago, this guy was driving a forklift. Okay? Now, all of a sudden, he's cinderella of the office.

This is hide tohsi hasagawa. He would like to apply for The sabre minority executive training program 'print in all colors' initiative. Dwight, what are you doing? Helping heal america In a dramatic fashion In the 11th hour.

You know what? I think you're attractive and I want to sleep with you. What about Kelly? You read my mind.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to working with you, Michael.

the walk from the yogurt shop To my car, after I drop My daughter off on Sunday afternoons

Jeff was my mother's boyfriend, Who she married... So her husband and your stepdad... Yeah, I guess I never thought of it that way

at risk for homicidal behavior

Let's just say I'll be up to my neck in jury duty.

I know people are only this excited to talk to me because of the trial. But they talk to me for a while, and maybe people realize I have something to say. And then one day, we're just talking.

There's no connection between the origin story and the quest. We need to know who Jimmy Halpert was before he was bitten by the bear. Otherwise it's the bear's quest.

So we laugh and laugh and laugh, and then we spend the rest of the day walking around slo-mo drinking latte.

A.J. won't commit to Holly. And she's gonna tell him that if he doesn't propose to her by the end of the year, it's over. And I don't know about you, but I don't know a lot of happy marriages that start off with an ultimatum. Do you?

I am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case that I was recently a juror on, the Scranton Strangler. A man's being put to death, I was part of the verdict, and I'm not so sure he's guilty anymore.

Was thinking I might glue a stapler on top or put a hole here and stick pens in it.

Well, no, he hates jams.

Don't thank me. Hey, don't thank me, guy.

The thing that I like about elmo is the tickling. - I should not be here. I'm in the-- I was in the wrong-- I'm...I'm sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I-I was never here.

I've never been lucky. And I'm not talking about the lottery. I'm talking about stuff like developing a soy allergy at 35. Who gets a soy allergy at 35? And why is soy in everything?

I would spend a lot of time launching my true crime podcast, 'The Flenderson Files.' Duh-buh-bum.

♪ dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones ♪ ♪ now we're the skeleton crew ♪

And how are you, Toby? / So great.

Wanna see the dance? ♪ dem bones, dem bones, dem-- ♪ / You're fired. / What? / You heard me. Pack your things. / I'm the CEO's son. Pack your things. You're done.

Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow because she's gonna be screaming it tonight. She's gonna be screaming her own last name?

Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse. Oh. I'm not technically seeing her, but I've seen her-- with the eyes-- and there was attraction in at least one direction.

Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow because she's gonna be screaming it tonight. She's gonna be screaming her own last name?

'I feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla'

Toby's Chad Flenderman description: 'Just an easy-going black guy who knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford. So just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One. And he's also the world's leading Egyptologist'

'Toby, nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective' 'No, no, no, no, no women chase him. He misses his wife'

With ammunition like this, we are in for quite a night you and me. And Gabey makes three

I guess I'm through the gateway now though, right?

To both these bears

Robert, I want you to know I'm here to rock with you as late as you want. And that goes double for me. I'll stay even later than you'd like

Toby, I am Bacchus god of wine. And I am Bacchus' friend

we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from Ernesto's

You mean food truck Ernesto's was a food truck

'It really has been a long, lonely winter Wow. Seasonal affective disorder, a.k.a. SAD. That sounds like a very real thing, Toby It is real. Thank you for saying that'

Toby is teaching us self-defense. Me? Toby, will you teach us self-defense? Yeah. Um... I can't believe you remembered I do self-defense.

Um, I'll go put on my cup. Great.

Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay? This is about escaping with your life. So... Strike, scream, and run.

That may have been my fault. What the hell, Toby?

So just remember, I-a-a-t-g. 'It's all about the groin.'

Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?

What can the attacker then do to better protect himself? It's interesting that you're drawn to the point of view of the attacker.

The latest Chad Flenderman novel... Based from the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu.

Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink! Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you're alive.

There's no shame in getting beaten up by a girl. My ex-wife used to demolish me. No, there is shame in it, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere.

Good point? What is a tub of electricity? - I don't-- I don't--

You think you're so pretty! Well, you're not gonna be so pretty come prom time! Okay, this is what's called pre-violent posturing.

Take that! Not so pre-violent anymore! Okay, I'm at what's called 'the decision point.'

50? Hungrier. You're not talking... Triple digits. Oh, yeah, I'm talking triple digits.

Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day. I don't know, man, they might think we're drag queens. Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that are also guys' names.

This may be wrong, but there's a limit to what I would do for my child. Yeah, I have my dignity too. I refuse to be another man's horsey.

Welcome. I'm Tony. What? I said, I'm Tony. Okay, I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But I'm Toby.

Toby: 'I wish! No, I made some short lists, I had a couple of sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone.'

I'm Sexy Toby. Gross. I love it.

Are... are you me? Yeah. I thought I'd, you know, be you.

George Howard Skub, AKA the alleged Scranton strangler, because he's in prison for something he may not have done.

I would start at the beginning, but I think I need to go farther back.

Nellie's Scranton Strangler advice: 'Do something about it. Get it out of your system, whatever it takes.'

Toby's Bogart impression: '[As Bogart] I think this is the start of my first friendship.'

Toby's strangling aftermath and Nellie's commentary about 'the proud neck of justice'

Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. Doesn't become a violation till she physically acts on it.

Let's do it. Let's get personal.

Toby will stop it. Any time anyone's ever been fired, Toby's blocked it, so... / Yeah. Yeah, I don't think... / Toby, wait, wait. Hold that thought. Here's your cake.

At least I got chocolate.

Kelly was hoping that you would keep the baby so they can start a new life together.