Meredith Palmer

Could you mean vagina ? Because if you do I want that covered.

I thought your vagina was removed during you hysterectomy. A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

I have sport's bra. No, no! Ridiculous.

Last Halloween, I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical.

The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky. And I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky.

Ohhhhhhkay. (Meredith's drunken response)

Hi, I'm Meredith, and I'm an al... Good at supplier relations.

In five years, I'd like to be five years sober.

4 1/2.

So listen, I know you're seeing someone, but I'm still willing if you are. What... willing? You remember. Like six years ago we said that on our last day of work that we would... sleep together. Oh... God, uh, um, I did not say that. Was that not you? No, not... not me.

Day just gets worse and worse.

Hey, did we ever have a conversation about doing something on the last day of work? Does that ring a bell? Do you remember hearing a rumor about me and anybody, last day of work? Something sexual? No.

Can you be at my place in 20 minutes? Yes, I can.

Meredith's bat attack and Dwight's 'rescue' - physical comedy chaos

I'm kind of in-between boyfriends right now. So I don't need anything sexy. But I do need some new hand towels. I figure I can cut up this robe.

You know, I changed a tire today. All by myself. This bathrobe's already coming in handy.

Hey... want my sunscreen? Oh, great. I forgot mine, and I'm wearing a two-piece. Thanks, Toby.

Oh, really? What kind? Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? OxyContin? Palladone? What? I have no idea.

Your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago? Yes. Dwight, here, trapped it in a bag against my head.

Can you write where I can read it? - Yep. I'll read this when I get home.

Can you write where I can read it?

I'll read this when I get home.

Hello. Hey, do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man.

I'll do it. I don't care. / I'll smoke with you. / I got a bag of cigars in my purse.

Well, for the past six years I have been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates.

Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey?

Am I in trouble here or something? / Nothing unethical happened and that you just like to sleep around?

There's not a lot of fruit in those looms. For the love of God, we're trying to help you, you stupid bag.

Well, it's funny, maybe it's a girl thing, but after we did it, when he would give me those coupons, I just felt good about myself.

Don't sign anything. / Get in there right now or I'm going to lose it!

My kid needs shoes. You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes? Her kid needs shoes, Jim.

Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me?

I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket. You are now sexy in your culture.

Michael, you ran over me with your car.

Seven grand. I've got to see that little bitch.

All right, Meredith. Take off your dress. Okey-dokey. No, dear God, no. It's in the trashcan. In the kitchen. It's coming off either way

They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!

My kid needs shoes. You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes? Yeah.

I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet. He calls it an upper-decker.

I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet. He calls it an upper-decker.

By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman.

You said, come in! No, I didn't! Just, please, get out. Oh, my God! What's wrong with my outfit? You might consider pulling it down a touch. Bunch of prudes.

Meredith, your boob is out. Fine.

Damn it, Meredith, where are your panties? It's casual day.

Number one, inverted penis. Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.

I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy. A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

They're in the trash. the trash. It's code. All right, meredith. Take off your dress. Okey-dokey. No. Dear god, no. It's in the trash can.

It's coming off either way.

I just like the way it feels. Just relax, okay? This is like the Cadillac of pumps.

We're both girls. Who cares?

I ask everyone in the room, 'Are you in a relationship?'

Better than most horses.

Turn off the Chumbawamba and scram, twerp.

A cold sore is herpes. What?

I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That's what it is.

I've never seen herpes on you. 'Cause it's on my genitals, genius.

Manuel, cleano el window.

You smell like a Scorpio.

I guess I'll watch Suzanne's purse and your baby.

Uh, meemaw, where's Cece? I don't know. I lost the purse too.

Look at that. There's a pebble in there. You could have killed me! Don't be such a baby. Yeah, who's a little girl now?

Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.

I could be pregnant. Okay, no. Oh, my resolution was to get more attention. Nope, she's lying.

I could be pregnant.

Oh, my resolution was to get more attention. Nope, she's lying.

That's how he gets you to take off your panties. - Why are you nodding? - United front.

I have a box of bras under the table if you're interested. Let me see.

I'm so busted. Walk of shame.

No, no, no, you've got to stay. I have Vienna sausages and I have napkins. Let me fix you breakfast.

I'll tell you one thing, I'm not going to be a good mom tonight.

What do we want? Erotic. See? This is what happens. You can't let a street dog into the house.

I know these Ethiopians that run a cake shop. Good God. They make these cakes that are wild.

As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it feels good to be represented on one.

I thought you were at your sister's funeral. What I said was, 'my sister's funeral is this weekend.' Didn't say I'd be there.

Warms my heart, thinking about them two kids... Doin' it.

Meredith's elaborate shot peer pressure speech to Erin

Meredith's treasures vs junk argument: 'It's my valuables' 'It's junk' 'No, they're my treasures' 'You're a hoarder'

Marie Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film.

You going tonight, kiddo? Because I can give you a lift. Oh, I don't know Meredith, it seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever

How do you know where I live? Andy followed you home after the Christmas party. Why? He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you

'MEREDITH: Wait Cathy gets to go? Why does she even still work here? Pam is back. It just feels like a slap in the face'

Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?

Hey, New Jim. Come sit on my face.

Meredith: 'I already ditched my uterus, and I ain't losing any more good parts!'

Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.

Morning, Meredith. What? Oh, sorry. Pam.

No wonder Jim left you.

Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.

Holy wow, that's a big one.

Nobody's taking Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.

You know, I think these critters migrated from down south.

Sha-boom! How do you like me now?

I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.

I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.

Yeah, yeah, princess fancy-pants letting Jane 12-pack over here take the fall!

Sure, I gave everybody pink-eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars. And, yeah, I BMed in the Shredder on New Year's, but I didn't bring the lice in.

I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over.

Like my mom used to say, 'Talk classy. Act nasty.'

What? Is it on backwards?

That. I'll watch it. Let's get this over with. All right, you don't have to... Let's get this over with, Pam.

When are you gonna boom me?

They smell so bad. If I ever get that bad, you'd tell me, right? I tell you all the time.

Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no narc. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no narc.

Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover? Hi.

Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit.

I hope you got sound on everything. I'd love a DVD of that.

Nine-hundred-eighty-five trillion seventeen. Not even close, Meredith. Come on!

We're very close. We even have our own special language. / People love it. / They do.

Give them a good show, my little entrepreneur.

Stripper's only as good as his song.

Be gentle, Jakey, gentle! / If anything, this is rougher!

For the first seven years I was getting my PhD in school psychology and they didn't show it. Yes, I was getting hammered, but, hey, it was college.

I just feel lucky that I got a chance to share my crummy story with anyone out there who thinks they're the only one to take a dump in a paper shredder. You're not alone, sister.