Kelly Kapoor

Spicy curry, what's that mean? - Not everything means something, this is a joke. - Yeah, but why did you give it to me? - This is a bowler! - I know! They didn't have any businessmen so...

I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall. - No you don't.

Soccer ball and cleats. Why is that? Bend It Like Beckham.

Well, I don't really have two heads, so. Wait, what are you again? Oh, right. Three-hole punch!

Don't you mean constructive criticism? - What did I say? - You said constructive compliments. That doesn't make any sense.

My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up. 'Cause aren't all hangers, like, that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that.

So now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and I walk around the piles to get an outfit...

Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones...

Oh, my God, he is so cute. Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me?

Please, Jim. Please, please, please.

Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together. But don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything.

Below par means worse. Wait, that should mean better. That doesn't make sense.

Like if Michael said he got to second base with you?

Ryan, what took, you so long? I mean, I just said it to him. Can you believe that?

Soda. Cool.

I know that it's Valentine's Day or whatever, but there's totally no pressure at all of any kind, whatsoever.

Is it okay if I invite Ryan?

Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you, and comments like that... I know what I said.

I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.

Wear your wedding dress. That would be a great icebreaker. And your veil. Yeah. Do it.

I don't like ketchup. You love ketchup. He loves ketchup.

Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!

Kelly singing with Jim trying to stop her

What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it, 'It's...' 'It's so super, fun. And it's gonna be great.'

Um, Diwali is awesome. And there's food, and there's gonna be dancing. And, oh, I got the raddest outfit. It has sparkles...

Um, why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday? Oh, um, I don't know. It's really old, I think.

How many gods do you have? Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that.

And that blue, busty gal-- what's her story? She looks like Pam from the neck down. Pam wishes.

I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat? It's all vegetarian. I'll just have some bread.

So...you're Kelly's sisters, huh? What? Rupa, Neepa, Tiffani. Stop acting like such little losers, and just be cool.

Stop it, stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker makes no money. Wali is a whole doctor, so handsome, makes good money. You think I wanna date a doctor?

If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo and Juliet. The Claire Danes one.

Kelly, best wishes. Love, Pam. P.S. What a long, strange trip it's been.

We don't have to break up now, Ryan! Mm, mm, mm! It is the best day of my whole life.

Kelly's celebrity baby information dump

Where did you learn all of this? Internet. So not prison. And prison. It's 50/50. Both.

Dunder Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly. / Oh my god, Jim, how are you?

He was hung up on Pam for such a long time... I didn't think he'd ever get over her.

Oompa loompa, doompadee dossum, Dwight is now gone, which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy. No, he was not, he was a total douche. Doompadee doom.

God, I need a boyfriend. You know, Ryan, I'm... I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever.

Kelly's extreme reaction to Ryan's punishment: repeated 'Oh, my God' and 'I won't, I won't, I won't'

Excuse me, Sea Monster, you weigh, like, 1,000 pounds. / Yeah, I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?

You're such a ditz.

Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds. / Yeah? Yeah. / I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?

Hey, check it out, there's a castle over there. / Oh, my God, there is a castle. / No. There's nothing to see over there, people. There's nothing to see.

Who's Bob Hope? God! He's a, he's a comedian. Oh, like Amanda Bynes. Who's Amanda Bynes? She's from What a Girl Wants. Oh, I love that movie.

Are you kidding me? Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile.

I am dating a lot of guys. Good. A lot. Black guys, mostly. What?

Six months ago, Karen Filippelli sent me an email asking me out. I said no because I was committed to our relationship. Well, I hope you're still committed, because I'm pregnant. And guess what buddy? I am keeping it.

We have a date!

You know what? You're right. I'm feeling kind of nauseous, anyway. So... we can just skip it.

I don't understand what the big deal is. You lied about being pregnant. Right, so? You really don't understand why that makes me angry? No.

That's from Ryan? Does it mention if he's seeing anybody? No. I'll find out tonight. Yes, please let us know.

But when you put paper in the shopping cart, it says, 'Thanks for shopping with Dunder Mifflin.' Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!

Darryl to Kelly: 'It's either your daughter or me.' Kelly: 'My daughter.'

Kelly talking head: 'Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking. What kind of game is that?'

That's from Ryan? Does it mention if he's seeing anybody?

But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says, 'Thanks for shopping with Dunder Mifflin.' Damn it, Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did!

I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, 'Your mom is so fat, she could eat internet.' But smack talk is happening, like, right now. Like, 'You're ugly, and I know it for a fact, 'cause I got the evidence right there.'

Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball. Jim couldn't hit a ping-pong ball of the size of the moon. Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at ping-pong?

Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your boyfriend, 'Cause, 'cause, 'cause he sucks at ping-pong.

Number one: how dare you?

And I'm not applauding... sarcastically.

But now, at a time TDB, all of these problems will be in the past.

I don't talk trash. I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, 'Your mama's so fat', 'she could eat the Internet.' But smack talk is happening, like, right now. Like, 'You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.'

Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball.

Jim couldn't hit a Ping-Pong ball if it was the size of the moon.

Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at Ping-Pong?

No, no, no, he works here, dumb ass!

Yes! Way to go! See that? Yeah. The floppy-haired girl you date won a point.

Hey, hey, you, you I don't like your boyfriend 'Cause, 'cause, 'cause, 'cause 'Cause he sucks at Ping-Pong

All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of diet coke. / Really? / Yeah. / 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday.

You're shaking. Are you all right? / Just leave me alone! I am on the third day of my cleanse diet.

I just bought some bikinis online, size two. So... Gonna look amazing

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.

I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs.

I love rivalries. Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C... if I'm really thinking about it, and answering your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend and her skin is terrible.

How is that going to repair Ryan's car?

You always say that, and I almost never know. What are you up to, girl? Did Phyllis put you up to this? Stanley? Are they paying you?

You just can't come into my nook and call me stupid. And maybe if you were a little bit more nice and polite, then people wouldn't give you such bad customer reviews.

That's what she said. That's what she said! That's what she said! Good one.

I was raped. You cannot say 'I was raped' and expect all your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that.

I did it because you guys didn't come to my party, and you said you would try to, and then you didn't even show up, and so you're bad friends.

I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years.

I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities.

First I was afraid, I was petrified (to Staying Alive tune)

A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse. A wood chipper, Kevin, a candle and Lord Voldemort.

If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle.

Hi, Kelly. Screw you. / Excuse me. That is no way to address a superior. / Oh, yeah? Screw you, too.

I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.

Screw you guys. You're dead to me. / If you say screw you one more time... / Yeah, screw you, beet farmer, I didn't forget your birthday.

I guess my only wish would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again. / Oh, God. Okay. / In a way, it's good that it happened to me because at least I can bear it.

Hi, Kelly. Screw you. Excuse me. Screw you, too. You forgot her birthday.

My boyfriend dumped me, so I stole his boat. He told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's.

I just thought it'd be really romantic, like Thelma & Louise, but with, like, a boat.

I hate it. How do you hate it? It's a cake.

It's birthday. Frosting. Those aren't themes.

Why is there a Chiclet on my cake? That's the best part. That represents a pillow. Or a television.

I'm too excited to sleep.

Oh, my God, he's like a black George Clooney.

Kelly talking about half black, half Indian kids to no one

I think he left. What? Move!

Well,you know what my middle name is? Rajani ghanda- and I hate it! Ihateit!

You know what I want to do today? I want to marry you. I had just woken up. I didn't look cute.

That's how I knew he meant it.

If they get married before i do, i'm gonna kill myself.

So jealous of your boobs.

That came out wrong.

I love rivalries. Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C., it's so much fun. But I guess if I'm really thinking about it, and answering your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend and her skin is terrible.

How is that going to repair Ryan's car?

We feel like we're in a limo and you're our driver.

Everybody see Kristy's stupid blonde extensions? It's like they were made from a plastic broom.

Do you think that I should get a fedora? I don't think so, no. Why? I think I'd look really hot in one.

What the hell is a mallard? That! Oh, Professor Damon D. Duck. Jim gave him to me.

If you take it back, I'll scream.

You're so cool. This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas.

Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?

Well, I hope you're still committed, because I'm pregnant.

Obsessed with me much? / Well, everyone got one. / What did yours say? / Friends are worth sharing a doghouse with.

Believe me, if I got that card, we'd be in the bathroom doing it right now.

Do you realize how hard that makes me like you, Andy?

White people, right? I don't know if she was white. Well, you can kind of tell from the voice. Yeah.

I could be the indian julia roberts. That's not-- she's--okay.

Indian guys always wear their cell phones Outside their pants. It's so dorky. Oh, no, no. That's not dorky. Look, it's easily accessible. Boom, like this. 911, hello. Scranton strangler's in the house. Inside the house.

This girls was really rude to me at the mall. So I created a fake I.M. Account From a hot guy at her high school, And now I'm trying to make her anorexic. Tell her everyone in home room thinks she's fat. Oh, that is so good.

Do you think you're treated differently Because of your race? Would you ask that same question if I was white? We're so in. 'we'? When I become executive, I'm gonna make ryan manager.

I never noticed that before. Sometimes my bangs cover it. Yeah. I don't want to be offensive but, uh, May I ask you what that means? I do find that offensive, actually.

Does she keep her phone locked around you, michael? Does she watch how much she drinks around you, michael? Does she leave the room when she takes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex? Does she-- - yeah, she does all that.

You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyoncé. I am Beyoncé always.

It is so boring where we work. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue. Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue.

You guys, I'm, like, really smart now. You don't even know. You could ask me, 'Kelly, what's the biggest company in the world?' And I'd be, like, 'Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,' giving you the exact right answer.

You need to go back there, and you need to Pretty woman their asses

What did I say? I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out

big mistake. Huge.

I said to Ryan, 'I try to call you, and you don't have your phone. I try to IM you, and you're not online. I wish there was a way that I could do everything all at once, and I could just be like this little dog going, Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!' And that's how it happened, and that's what I told my lawyer.

I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white. Come on. I said 'I wonder.' I didn't say 'I think.'

Please stop.

Kelly crashing Ryan's introduction as 'the business bitch'

Kelly's multiple 'bitch' brands - business, diet, shopping, etiquette

Professor on speakerphone: 'Why?' when Kelly explains he's on speaker

Ryan and I have a huge announcement... Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced.

We were making love constantly... Ryan was crying a lot.

Um, like, a week ago. We got really wasted, and it just felt right.

And you didn't invite any of us? We are getting divorced, Andy!

This actually isn't amicable at all, and we actually do need people to take sides. Who's on my side? And who is on my side?

Kelly? What? If I just went away right now, would that be the best gift that I could give you? Yes, please.

Please go away and stop using that weird, slow voice.

I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.

Yeah, but you lie all the time. You lie for no reason. Ryan, you just like to lie. I'd die for you, too.

A law office? No, Anthropologie. 'We don't have this and that size.' Pretty lame.

No, he's just a big fraud, Deangelo. He's like Rango. He doesn't work here, basically, just like the way Rango didn't save those animals. It was just a big misunderstanding.

What are you, some kind of Jamaican zombie woman? / Whoopi Goldberg. / Has no one here heard of Kerrigan? From Starcraft? Queen of blades?

Just fine, Kelly? Everything all right? / So there is something you want that you do not have. / I try not to think about it. Because it's too terrifying to imagine.

Never marrying. / Yes. Dying alone, that is very scary.

I am Kerrigan from Starcraft, I've been censored. / If you're gonna be a Zerg, at least be a lurker, not some girl. / Kerrigan is ruler of the Zerg Swarm! / Yeah, she also has boobs. / Yeah, but no nipples.

I'm about to play Starcraft with him. / Are you serious? / Yeah, I'm serious. It's funny.

Is she Asian? / I don't know. She's from somewhere, I bet. / Maybe from the forest. / Forest? / Did Andy say his girlfriend's from the forest?

"He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappoint him." Kelly.

He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappoint him.

P.S. We should kill him.

Kelly offering to be mean to Jessica: 'It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her'

'Jessica, did you just fart?' 'And that is how it's done'

If it'd been Ron Artest, it would have come up in Dancing With The Stars, when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family.

Lamar winning sixth man was a big storyline on Chloe And Lamar.

Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E!, TLC, and Oxygen.

I'm taking an Italian class. So far, I have learned tortellini, spaghettini, linguine. Well, it's not so much a class as a restaurant. But I do Monday Wednesday, Friday from 7:00 to 9:00

You sound really pretty today

Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found. Yeah. Thanks, I'm really glad that I found it

Ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly? I don't think you're being silly. Oh, God. You know what? I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund. Oh. Then another woman will get it, we can't allow that. We have to destroy it

You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. We're in the pool. Shove it, Angela.

Like a hospital needs more napkins for surgery--

Something interesting is happening here for once in my life. I am staying here.

Okay, 'cause three dots means 'to be continued,' four dots is a typo, but five dots means, 'whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind.' Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

It's a 12-year-old female bully. - I was a 12-year-old bully. - Great! I think Kelly should attack Toby.

You think you're so pretty! Well, you're not gonna be so pretty come prom time! Okay, this is what's called pre-violent posturing.

Take that! Not so pre-violent anymore! Okay, I'm at what's called 'the decision point.'

He's so sweet. He pointed to my latte and he said, 'Kelly, that will be the color of our children.'

Remember how it felt when he cheated on you though? Which time?

Ryan can never know.

Enjoy the snow, losers!

How long have you been stalking me? / No, no, no. My flight just got in from New York. / Are you still with Pyotr? / No, and I thought I unfriended you.

All I can say is, if I had Jim, he'd have a free pass to do anything. I mean if I lucked into that, he could do anything. Anything.

Can you imagine if I'd worn my Jimmy Choos? / I just saved you 600 bucks, mister.

Ravi's a pediatrician, and some of his patients are total uggos. / Uh, they're called premature, sweetie.