Mr. Burns

However, for you semiskilled workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses. Oh, and one more thing. Merry Christmas!

All right. Who's responsible for this? I might have known it was you, Simpson.

you mean, you're willing to give up a good job and a raise just for your principles? / Mmm. When you put it that way, it does sound a little farfetched, but that's the lug you're lookin' at!

Mmm. You're not as stupid as you look or sound or our best testing indicates.

Fire that man, Smithers. I don't want him or his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic. / He'll be gone by the tug-of-war, sir.

And this must be, uh, Brat. / Bart. / Don't correct the man, Brat.

Oh, for the love of Peter. That's all anybody brought. Some damn fool went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop.

Close one this year.

Thank you all for coming. But now it's time to say good-bye. Please get off my property until next year. I suggest you don't dawdle. The hounds will be released in ten minutes.

Get that man's name. I predict big things for him down at the power plant.

I have never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor. / Fabulous observation, sir. Just fabulous.

I love you, Smithers

I love you, Smithers. The feeling is more than mutual, sir

You seem to have a way with women, a certain-- how shall I put it-- animal magnetisme.

You seem to have a way with women, a certain-- how shall I put it-- animal magnetisme.

I hereby declare this day to be Snow Day... the funnest day in the history of Springfield!

Looks like Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful.

Simpson? An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image.

...my glory was a bright shock of strawberry blond curls.

Hold me, Smithers

Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower. / I'm as shocked as you

Yeah, well, that's always been like that

Just resting my eyes! / Well done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee

Some careless person has left thousands of dollars just lying here on my table

Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!

Approximately $56 million. / 56 million?! / Don't hit me, sir

Oh, that I had the strength to

You and I are a dying breed

To create a new and better world. / If it's on the way, could you drop me at my house?

Why are my teeth showing like that? / Because you're smiling! / Excellent!

This is the kind of trickery I'm paying you for

I hate that fish!

When this announcement's done, every Johnny Lunch-pail in this state will be eating out of my hand

They'd probably blame his ridiculous nose on the nuclear bogeyman

Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the polls show you're up six points. / Giving me a total of? / Six

The voters see you as godlike. / Hot dog!

Every Joe Meatball and Sally Housecoat in this godforsaken state will see me chow down with Eddie Punchclock

And look, I've brought noodle kugel.

I love dogs. Babies too.

Only a child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen.

You can't do this to me! I'm Charles Montgomery Burns!

She's right. Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful

This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes cost me the election, but if I had them killed, I'd be the one to go to jail. That's democracy

Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years that your dreams will go unfulfilled

Well, if it isn't the Simps.

Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa and Expecting.

The baby's name isn't important. Let's go.

Spit on this for me, Smithers. One hawker coming up, sir.

What a lame-o! I could hear the air being torn, sir. Oh, shut up!

Not a chance. Only idiots drink beer.

If someone of your stature can enjoy a beer, maybe I'm wrong on the subject.

What do you say we freshen up our little drinkie-poos?

Well, Simpsie, up for another wave? All right, Burnsie.

But Simpson's shameless display of exhibitionism tainted the evening. He's banned for life from all company outings.

Sure. What would you like? Four, five years?

Smithers, every year you outstrip yourself in succulence.

No, I couldn't eat another bite. Dispose of all this.

Just give him a nickel and let's get going!

Simpson, at last we meet.

So extortion is the name of your game?

Tangle with me, and I'll crush you like a paper cup.

Let him twist in the wind. Slowly, slowly. When the papers have found their new flavor of the month, he'll find out this cat has claws!

I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!

You wouldn't dare! Well, no, I guess I wouldn't.

I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys.

You cold-blooded monster!

Take me, I'm old!

Just get that ape to my house and we'll buy him off with a banana!

I don't like everything about them. Just their heads.

Smithers, release the hounds.

That's it, baby. Work those ankles!

The screen door resting off its hinges. Mangy dog staggering about looking vainly for a place to die.

The big fight is one of those rare occasions that I savor the sights, the sounds and the smells of other men.

Smithers, the Cheetos.

Simpson! I order you to buy those shoes! You're the boss!

Ownership is divided-- What are you doing? I dread the day when $100,000 isn't worth groveling for.

What matchbook art school did you flunk out of, housepainter?

This is as half-baked as your idea about me having children.

Excellent! Once again, the wheel has turned...and Dame Fortune has hugged Montgomery Burns to her sweet bosom.

Ring Go? -He was the drummer for the Beatles. Beatles, eh? Oh, yes. I remember their off-key caterwauling on the old Sullivan show.

Can you make me beautiful? -That won't be a problem. -I'm no matinee idol. Maybe not, but I have the gift of seeing inner beauty.

Something's on my leg! Get it off! -Mr. Burns, she's just a baby!

Did he have spots all over his body? -I heard that!

Should I leave too, sir? Of course not, Smithers. You're like a doctor.

You're the fattest thing I've ever seen...and I've been on safari.

And incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia. I thought I did.

I tried every tincture, poultice, tonic and medicine there is. And all I really needed was the blood of a young boy.

Why is that man in pink?! That's Homer Simpson-- a boob from Sector 7-G.

Judging by his outlandish attire... he's some sort of freethinking anarchist.

Yes, these color monitors... have already paid for themselves.

Simpson, eh? How very strange. His job description clearly specifies an illiterate.

Nobody will take away your precious apples

My kingdom for a left-handed can opener!

The worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend?

Time to pay... for your two days of debauchery... you hung-over drones

Well, don't you know how to paint the town red

Give the great unwashed... a pair of oversized breasts and a happy ending... and they'll oink for more

What a movie! And that blonde-- does she have assets! Heh-heh-heh!

We prefer to call it an 'unrequested fission surplus'

There may never be another time to say... I love you, sir. Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments socially awkward.

It seems a single wayward crow... flew into our warning system

A congratulatory phone call from Earvin 'Magic' Johnson?

Help them find their eanae-eharatou-nah-duleve. Their eanae-haratou-doola what? We want you to give them a pep talk... that turns them from donut-eating goof-offs... into Homer Simpsons.

Little do they realize... their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.

Very well. Eeny, meeny, miny-- Blugh! Him!

The greatest breakthrough in labor relations... since the cat-o'-nine-tails!

No, I didn't. Who is it, Frankenstein? The Boogerman?

The man in the bag. I think he's alive. Oh. Bad corpse. Stop scaring Smithers. Satisfied?

Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!

Look at me-- I'm Davy Crockett!

It's moving! It's alive! Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad. Well, who's mad now?

Hi, there. I'm your daddy.

And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony... of collagenous cogs and camshafts, take... that.!

Every bone... shattered... organs... leaking vital fluids... a slight headache, loss of appetite.

Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. My body was crushed, so I had head grafted onto your... shall we say, ample frame.

Oh, that's right. It's all a dream... or is it?

Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws? / Usury? / Silly me. I made up a word that doesn't exist.

You're not planning to eat it? / It's for my little girl because she doesn't love me.

Shut up, Simpson. / Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral.

I didn't do anything funny, sir. / Shut up.

The shampoo specifically said, 'No more tears.' A lovely promise...but one beyond the powers of a mere shampoo.

I dreamed of grand slam home runs...and wiping out nations with the stroke of a pen.

Controlled nuclear fission is a demanding mistress.

You'll see the Statue of Liberty wearing lederhosen...before you'll see Germans running my plant!

So I can look Uncle Fritz square in the monocle...and say, 'Nein.!'

I grudgingly accept.

Hans and Fritz-- Why, that's just John and Frank.

He was good to his mother. Yes, but I couldn't understand a word that man said. 'Mr. Burns...hound dog.' Stop it. You're killing me, sir.

Ah, the mirthless laugh of the damned.

Watch me blend in. Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer...for me and my buddy here.

Does your money ever hug you...when you come home at night? Why, no. And does it ever say 'I love you'? No, it doesn't.

Desperate, eh? Advantage: Burns.

Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared. Ooh, the Germans! Stop it. Stop that. The Germans are coming after me. Stop the pretending you are scared game. They're so big. Stop it, Mr. Burns. Protect me from the Germans! Stop it! Get out! This is my office now!

Smithers, I keep my friends close...and my enemies even closer.

Smithers, you keg-meister, you

The hunter has become the hunted

Feisty, yet spineless

This man failed the aptitude test and got trapped in a closet on his way out

Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name.

The Gladiators from my power plant will crush your team like nine flabby grapes.

Why don't we make it interesting? What, a million dollars isn't interesting?

Honus Wagner, Cap Anson... Mordecai Brown-- Uh, sir... I'm afraid all those players have retired... and, uh, passed on. In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 130 years.

Damnation!

the American League, the National League... the Negro leagues.

One more outburst, and I'll send you back to the big leagues.

unless, of course, my nine all-stars... fall victim to nine separate misfortunes... and are unable to play tomorrow. But that will never happen.

That damn hypnotist! My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken.

I'm going to report this... to the American Hypnotical Association.

Mattingly! I told you to trim those sideburns. Go home! You're off the team! For good!

Dogs are idiots. If I came into your house... and started sniffing at your crotch... and slobbering all over your face... what would you say? If you did it, sir? Exactly. You'd be fit to be tied.

I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage... like some starving raccoon.

He's been here since the late '60s. I'll never forget the day he bagged his first hippie. That young man didn't think it was too groovy.

Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.

I think women and seamen don't mix. We know what you think.

We wouldn't think Of going without the bait. Uh, that is, the bait-thing beauty. The bathing beauty. I covered that up pretty well.

Well, the ape's going to stand around for three hours or so. Then we'll close with the ethnic comedy Of Dugan and Dershowitz.

Come on. What's he gonna do? Run amok in downtown Springfield?

I'm dreading the reviews. I can tell you that.

Mr. Jack Marley. - Boring!

Oh, 'Me, me, me. I need all the attention just because it's my party,' eh?

Let me be the first to say-- [Speaking Foreign Language] What? Welcome aboard. I guess my Swahili's not as good as yours.

Enchantress! That woman-- She's so captivating. Smithers, my heart's pounding like a jackhammer.

Closer. Closer. Closer, damnit! Ow! Too close.

You mean like Child Labor Day?

You know that dream where you're in bed, and they fly in through the window? [Moaning]

Oh, that's right. He's dead. And rather pungent.

You... have a husband? Yes. I can picture him now-- rugged good looks, sweater knotted about his shoulders... curly locks shining in the sun like spun gold!

You don't have to sue me to get my pants off. [Purrs]

That's right. Keep eating. Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poisoned doughnut. [Chuckling] There is a poisoned one-- isn't there, Smithers? Uh, no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder. Damn their oily hides!

Damn their oily hides!

Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello. [Sighs] And good-bye! You're fired! [Gasps] But wait. Perhaps I'm being Too hasty. You are highly skilled... [Sighs] at goofing off!

Now, don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig... a grave for! [Gasps] Your indolence is inefficacious! Oh? That means you're terrible!

Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow. Mmm. Ham. No, wait. He's alive. Oh, good. Cancel the ham. D'oh!

Well, sir, where shall we dump this batch? The playground? No. All those bald children are arousing suspicion. To the park!

I think it's full, sir. That's ridiculous! The last tree held nine drums.

Mr. Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life... this court fines you three million dollars. Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket.

Oh, and, uh, I'll take that statue of Justice too. Sold!

Hello. My name is Mr. Snrub... and I come from, uh, someplace far away.

Yes, that will do. Anyway... I-I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant. I like the way Snrub thinks.

Gee, it's not as nice as the other rooms. Yes, I really should stop ending the tour with it.

Who the devil are you? Don't panic. Just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh!

Look, Smithers! Garbo is coming! Uh, yes, sir.

Everyone is saying 'Gabbo this' and 'Gabbo that,' but no one is saying 'worship this' and 'Jericho that.'

We make cookies here. Mr. Burns's Old-Fashioned Good-Time Extra-Chewy--

The watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life?

No, I'm afraid he couldn't 'bee' here.

Oh, yes, he's in Geneva... chairing a conference on nuclear fission.

For the love of God, sir! There are two seats! I like to put my feet up.

Burns offering washer/dryer or mystery box, Homer chooses 'The box. The box!'

Well, I have the feeling you'll be... dropping the charges. The painters moved your desk, sir.

Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares? Yes, he would.

You must find the jade monkey... before the next full moon. Actually, sir, we found the jade monkey.

[Burns intimidating admissions board while growling menacingly]

I'm giving you the beating of your life! Look, if-- Stop that. If you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so?

Hmm. Who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.

What? Oh. Precious blood.

Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead. Sir, you have to let go of the button. Oh, son of a bit--

Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer. I heard that! It was the boy!

You're fired! D'oh!

Smithers, where does that tube go? I'm not sure, sir. It was here when we moved in.

Excellent, Zutroy. Work hard and each day you'll get a shiny penny.

That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie. [Foreign Language] Mr. Burns.

We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core. That plane crashed on my property!

Get back to work, Stewart! [Quacking]

Better keep the egghead. He just might come in handy.

By building a casino I could tighten my stranglehold on this dismal town!

Oh-- What was I laughing at now? Oh, yes. That crippled Irishman.

Fresh from the streets of Sussex they are! - Get out.

I'll need three ships and 50 stout men. We'll sail round the horn and return with spices and silk the likes of which ye have never seen. - We're building a casino! - Arr.

Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago. - I've discovered the perfect business. People swarm in, empty their pockets and scuttle off!

[Germs] Freemasons run the country! - Ew!

Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes! - That's quite a nice model, sir. - Model?

Hmm. Very well. Begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

Fine. We'll transfer him to the nuclear plant, sir. - Oh, my beloved plant. How I miss her. Bah! To hell with this! Get my razor! Draw a bath! And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet!

And, uh, the jars of urine? - Oh, we'll hang on to those.

Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in! - But, sir-- - I said hop in.

You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy. Thanks, Mom. And now you can go back to just being you instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase. D'oh! Ay, caramba! Hidilly-ho! Ha-ha! Excellent.

Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters... before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey... for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. [Whispering] Hmm? What? Oh. And by that I mean, of course, it's time for the Worker of the Week Award.

So, a round of applause for... this inanimate carbon rod.

Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in the hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you.

This reminds me of that fat man I used to ride to work.

I-- Who told you? / Oh, yes, yes, well. I'd say you were an angel, but angels don't dance like that.

130-- But only one since I've become a billionaire.

Whoop-dee-do, sir. / Yes, whoop-dee-do. Whoop-dee-do to the world! Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Florist. Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Physical Trainer. Whoop-dee-do, Mr. President.

Everyone who's found true love may leave early today. / All right!

Why it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife, Wilma. Oh, and this must be little Pebbles. / Yabba dabba do!

Run along, peewee. Baby gets nothing. / Very well, you leave me no choice. This gun is filled with ketchup. This one with mustard. Now give me $350 bucks or you're gonna be a mess for your date.

You don't have the guts.

We've heard enough about Bliz-blaz and Him-ham already. Get to the bloody point!

The ring, you little imbecile, before I really lose my temper.

Smithers' romantic fantasy about Mr. Burns

Fly, my pretties. Fly!

No need for the blown gasket, Charlie.

Look at them cavort and caper.

I owe you a Coke.

Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

So come crawling back, eh? Seems like the classy thing to do would be not to call attention to it.

As punishment for your desertion... it's company policy to give you the plague. Sir, that's the 'plaque.' Yes, the special de-motivational plaque...

I ought to club them and eat their bones.

A slick Hollywood picture to gloss over my evil rise to power like Bugsy or Working Girl.

Get his nonunion Mexican equivalent.

Listen, Señor Spielbergo...

Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners. We both made shells for the Nazis. But mine worked, damn it.

Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

Smithers, are they booing me? No. They're saying, 'Boo-urns, Boo-urns.'

Like the Miss Teen America pageant.

I've got to win this one. I bribed everyone in Hollywood.

I can't feel anything below my cummerbund.

And I know the little fellas would love romping around my many acres...chasing my many cars...drinking from my many toilets.

You know who it reminds me of?

Some men hunt for sport, Others hunt for food, The only thing I'm hunting for, Is an outfit that looks good

Some men hunt for sport, Others hunt for food, The only thing I'm hunting for Is an outfit that looks good

See my vest, See my vest, Made from real gorilla chest

These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino

Like my loafers? Former gophers. It was that or skin my chauffeurs

Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.

This can't be happening. They're all standing.

But they're so wretchedly adorable. Twenty-five little Rory Calhouns.

Look at you, standing there on your hind legs...like a couple of Rory Calhouns.

I swear, I'll never wear any clothing made from an animal...that can do an amusing trick.

My name is the return address, you senseless dunderpate.

An oil well doesn't belong in the hands of Betsy Bleeding-heart and Maynard G. Muskie-vote.

Ahoy there, dean. I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh? Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern.

I own the electric company, waterworks, plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue.

Say, that sounds like a 'larf.' Let's try it right now.

Only the sour quince log, sir. Dispose of it.

Almost sexual, isn't it, Smithers?

I call this enemy... the sun.

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: Block it out.

There has been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying.

Smithers, who is that ignoramus? Smithers, who is that lollygagger? Who is that blubber-pot? Who is that bafflewit? Lummox. Puddinghead. Mooncalf. Limpnoodle. Goldbricker. Drizzlepuss...

Those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I could sell him a little oil.

Once, when I was sailing around the Arctic... - Shut up, you.

Hello, lamppost. What you knowing? I've come to watch your power flowing.

Sir, you weren't shot. It was all a dream. That's right. The year is 1965. And you and I are undercover detectives on the hot-rod circuit. Now let's burn rubber, baby!

This isn't a rival company you're battling with. It's a school. People won't stand for it. - Pish-posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby. Say, that sounds like a 'larf.'

Hey, I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name. Who the devil are you?

Hi, everybody! - Ho... mer Simp... son.

Your kind has neither the cranial capacity... nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm.

M-Maggie Simpson!

But with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.

But the old axiom was misleading. Taking the candy proved exceedingly difficult.

Those paramedics have sticky fingers.

You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly. - That's a good one. Hey- Hey-

Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir? - No. I'd still prefer not.

What's the name of this gastropod?

Homer, your bravery and quick thinking... have turned a potential Chernobyl... into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo.

One. One. One! Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction.

I'll cross him off the list.

Ptooh their flower power- it's no match for my glower power.

My germs! My precious germs! They never harmed a soul. They never even had a chance.

Listen to me breathe.

She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal.

Of course you'd say that. You have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter.

If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch... and slobbering all over your face, what would you say? - Mmm. If you did it, sir?

You know that dream where you're in bed, and they fly in through the window?

Smithers... release the robotic Richard Simmons.

The one who shot me was- Waylon Smithers! - No-o! Wait a minute. Yes.

So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth.

drunk as a lemur

I'm giving you a five percent pay cut. - Ohh!

Whoo! They begged me to join their team- begged me.

You there. Fill it up with petroleum distillate. And revulcanize my tires, posthaste.

Excellent. As soon as the check clears, I'll let you go.

Smithers, this beer isn't working. I don't feel any younger or funkier.

Smithers, fetch the bi-oculars.

Damnation! Tell them to go slower.

This novelty foam hand is ludicrously oversized. Go swap it for a smaller one.

Smithers! Help!

You should've seen the murderous glint in his eyes, Smithers. And his breath reeked of beer and pretzled bread.

How am I supposed to do the 'Junior Jumble'?

I'm not a baby who needs a nursemaid to burp me.

You see?

Good Lord, Smithers! You look atrocious. I thought I told you to take a vacation.

A single pillow of shredded wheat... some steamed toast and a dodo egg.

Doughnuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food.

This Simpson fellow seems to be getting dumber by the minute. I've never seen anything quite like it.

Sixty watts? What do you think this is, a tanning salon?

You're a travesty of a f- joke of an assistant!

Cease your ingress.

which lever is the velocitator... and which the deceleratrix

Beep-beep! Out of my way! I'm a motorist.

Ahoy! Ahoy! No, you have the wrong number. This is 5246. I suspect you need more practice working your telephone machine.

You're fired. Ta.

Stop fighting like a girl, Simpson!

Ring! Ring! Ring! / D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! / It's for you. / D'oh!

Oh, 'tuddle' Sunday trousers.

Stick your left hoof on that flange now!

Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!

Mr. Burns on Ticketmaster: 'Nobody's going to pay a hundred-percent service charge.' 'Well, it's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir'

It was 1941, the- No, '39, my 25th Yale reunion.

Of course by then, Mimsie had her share of wrinkles... and a gray hair or two, but my adoring eyes saw past those minor imperfections... to her 21-year-old daughter, Lily.

Are you mad? I'm not made of airports! Get out!

I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children.

Hmm. One dollar for eternal happiness. Mmm, I'd be happier with the dollar.

Something gay, no doubt? - What? What? You know, lighthearted, fancy-free. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Smithers is on the town.

[High-pitched] I bring you peace.

I bring you love. - Is that the love between a man and a woman or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar?

A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love. I bring you fear, famine, pestilence and- Time for a booster.

No. The promise of a new day is more than enough exhilaration for me.

All right. Popcorn's ready.

I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film.

Yes. Well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill lately.

Bony old behind! Bony old behind! Why, thank you, Simpson. I have been watching my figure.

Why should the race always be to the swift? Or the Jumble to the quick-witted?

Well, I say cheating is a gift man gives himself.

I propose we travel by... horseless sleigh.

You know, Simpson, you're not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met. No, sir, I am not.

Oh, yes, sitting. The great leveler. From the mightiest pharaoh to the lowliest peasant... who doesn't enjoy a good sit?

Sir, I am in your debt.

Sir, I am in your debt. / Use it wisely, my friend.

I'm not quite the tunnel-digger I made myself out to be.

Burns and Associate. No, no! What am I thinking? Burns and Teammate.

Those last three avalanches were your fault, Simpson. So what? Sew buttons!

[Gasps] A Bazooka Joe comic. [Groans] I heard that one 75 years ago.

We could build real men out of snow.

Look at them, smug and secure in their finery... mocking us.

They're just snowmen, Mr. Burns. Ah, snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch- to watch for a moment of weakness.

Stand back! I have powers! Uh, political powers!

You're fired, Lenny.

You're fired, Lenny. / Aw, nuts!

Excellent. In that case, no one will be fired after all.

Well, Simpson, I must say... once you've been through something like that with a person... you never want to see that person again. You said it, ya weirdo!

Balderdash. This is the silliest load of- Oh! Look at it fly! [Giggling] Look at me, Smithers. I feel practically super-duper, fragically-

What's this strange sensation in my chest? I think your heart's beating again.

Why, that canine has the proud bearing and glossy fur coat of a Yale man

Smithers, I believe this dog was in Skull and Bones

Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

When opportunity knocks... don't wanna be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some church. Or synagogue.

I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.

So Mother Nature needs a favor. She should've thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts, floods and monkeys.

How dare you question Mr. Burns? - I'll handle it, Smithers. Shut up, little girl.

According to your recent biography, you only have 100 million dollars today. - My dear. I...

Here's where I stopped checking it last time, September, 1929.

Well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born. - Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

Trans-Atlantic Zeppelin, Amalgamated Spats, Congreve's Inflammable Powders, U.S. Hay, and the rest into that up-and-coming Baltimore Opera Hat Company.

I see it all now. You're just a bunch of yes men. I was making wrong moves and you were too gutless to tell me, right? - Oh, yes, sir. - Dead on, sir.

Why would I want a picture of a pitiful, pencil-necked geek? - Yeah, why, indeed?

Hey. Aren't you that guy everybody hates? - Oh, my, no. I'm Monty Burns.

I am riding on a bus.

Thanks. I ventured in to search for milk when the door snapped shut behind me.

Ketchup. Catsup. Ketchup. Catsup. I'm in way over my head.

I'd never help you. You're the worst man in the world. Yes. That's the kind of moxie I'm looking for. You're hired.

You mean Maggie? - The baby who shot me, no, I was referring to your other daughter.

A nickel will buy you a pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel with change left to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds.

Shine on, you crazy diamond. - Sounds like somebody's living in the past. Contemporize, man.

I've turned these cans into 'can do.'

Come on. Let's pick up the pace, you neglected old nincompoops.

People, if we meet this week's quota... I'll take you to the most duck-filled pond you ever sat by.

It sweeps the sea clean.

It's a high-protein feed for farm animals, insulation for low-income housing, a powerful explosive, and a topnotch engine coolant.

A self-made man, like me.

He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car... then pushed a criminal in front of it.

What? Oh, yes, that fellow. Just put him somewhere out of the way.

It's supposed to be a power plant, not Aunt Beulah's bordello.

Oh, fiddle-faddle. Everyone knows our mutants have flippers.

Smithers, use the amnesia ray. You mean, the revolver, sir? Precisely.

He's as rich and wicked as I, but he seems to enjoy tax-exempt status. Actually, sir, with our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay three dollars a year. [Gasps] You're right. We're getting screwed.

We'll use this special 'K.' I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir. And people worship it? In a way.

Ahoy-hoy, lowly mortals.

Well, it wasn't wiped out in my house!

Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket. - You don't have to tell me, sir.

Then the old prison has been getting free electricity for 30 years. I'll put a stop to that.

It's my first day. / Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. / That's Homer Simpson. And he's been working here for 10 years.

It's my first day. / Well, why didn't you sa- Oh, whoo! You're fired!

Oh, stop fishing for compliments, Smithers. Go home to your can of mushroom soup.

A pack of vicious dogs should be ripping you to pieces.

Well, Mr. Burns, you always come off as kind of a gruff, crotchety loner. But we both know that deep down inside- Ha-ha!

Oh, I get it. I'm onto you. You're from Collier's magazine, aren't you? Are you going to put me in 'Star Snoop'?

Well, of course, I didn't want a racehorse in my living room. But you don't say no to Spring Byington, do you?

Oh, you'll find this amusing- the suit Charlie Chaplin was buried in.

tossing that tea without a care... for what the caffeine would do to the Fenway flounder.

It commemorates my liberation of a trillion dollars that would have been foolishly squandered.

Every year you make hardworking joes like my reporter friend here pay income taxes. And for what? Aid to ungrateful foreigners... do-nothing nuclear missiles... tomb polish for some unknown soldier.

We'll purchase a small island somewhere and start our own country... free from the relentless tyranny of Uncle Sam.

What about my wife and kids? That can be shipped.

Sorry about the landing, boys. This fog is so thick, I can't see my own cataracts.

Oppression and harassment are a small price to pay to live in the land of the free.

Well, if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government... and hand it over to Communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too.

And if it's a crime to bribe a jury... then so help me... I'll soon be guilty of that! God bless America!

Smithers- [Sniffles] You think maybe my power plant killed those ducks? - There's no maybe about it, sir.

[Sniffles] Excellent.

How's my kite doing, Smithers? Oh, it's, uh, soaring majestically, sir.

You're it. We'll see about that. After him, Smithers. Aaah! You're not it!

Well, then get back to wherever it is you work, whoever you are.

One bouillon cube. One Concord grape. One Philly cheesesteak. And a jar of garlic pickles. No one will want to kiss me after these, eh, Smithers?

No. Those people are all gristle. I want this jar open.

Worthless old geezers. Phew. Next!

A talkie, sir? Yes. Brilliant. That's just the kind of far-out gimmick we need.

You dunderheaded stooges are the worst bunch of-

I'm just thinking of my employees - All the cardsharps, bottom dealers and shills.

Well, who could forget the name of a magnetic individual like you? Keep up the good work, Max. Mr. Power. Yes, of course. Mr. Power.

Smithers, I think I'm in love! - Hah! - With this sculpture.

Smithers, years ago I blew the chance to buy Picasso's Guernica for a song. Luckily that song was 'White Christmas' and by hanging on to it, I made billions.

Step lively, Smithers. That orphanage won't demolish itself.

Books and cocoa in the same store? What's next, a talking banana? Uh, I don't see one, sir. No, of course not. The very notion of a talking banana is absurd. Still-

This goes right in the old poor box. Not so fast, old chum.

Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man?

Bah! [Echoing] Bah! Bah! Bah!

I thought I had everything- money, good looks, strong, sharp teeth.

Free silver dollars, compliments of C. Montgomery Burns! [People screaming and getting hurt by coins]

I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake.

All right. Uh, how many times a day do you go to the can? Oh, about 40, I suppose. When are we going on the air? We're on the air now, Skeletor.

Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay old time. Ho-ho! I ate my share of wieners that day.

Most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me.

A sober Irishman? Even rarer.

Peter Graves couldn't find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer.

Yes, that's it. Let it all out. Clutch me to your common bosom.

I'm a selfish old crank, and that fits me like a Speedo.

So what do we do with our friend here? Uh, throw him in the Dumpster? No, no, no. I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home.