George Costanza

Senator, I'd like to know what you knew and when you knew it.

Where's the orange indicator? It's missing. I have to do it in my head. Decaf left, regular right.

It's very challenging work.

'Had to'? 'Had to come in'?

You're a backup. You're a second line, a 'just in case'... a B plan, a contingency.

I rest my case.

This is the dullest moment I've ever experienced.

Look, he's got everything. He's got detergents, sprays... fabric softener. This is not his first load.

It's signals, Jerry. It's signals.

It's Saturday night. What is that? It's ridiculous.

Now slide!

Why don't you bring in an extra guy too.

This is New York City. There must be 11 million decent hotel rooms. What do you need, a flag?

He's getting a drink of water.

Because filth is good. What do you think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lying around the bathroom?

Always, always do the opposite.

If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.

What if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders touch... the hips are eight feet apart? Brutal.

Hand sandwich? Right. It's open to interpretation. So much depends on the layering... the quality of the wetness in the eyes--

That wasn't in the manual.

Are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator? It's missing. I have to do it in my head.

It's very challenging work.

You're a backup. You're a second line, a 'just in case'... a B plan, a contingency.

You're beautiful.

I can't believe you're bringing in an extra bed... for a woman that wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too.

What do you need, a flag? This is the signal, Jerry. This is the signal.

Because filth is good. What do you think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia... lying around the bathroom? You think they have a woman coming over, 'I gotta tidy up'?

What if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders touch... the hips are eight feet apart? Brutal.

Hand sandwich? Right. It's open to interpretation. So much depends on the layering... the quality of the wetness in the eyes...

That was an interesting greeting. Notice that, George? Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual.

The hot water takes a while to come on. So the best thing to do... is to turn it on, do all your shopping... then come back and take a shower.

Deduct a minimum of two days off all expiration dates. No meat, no leftovers, no butter. And I cannot overstate this: No soft cheeses of any kind.

regarding sexual activity. Strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favour... do it in the tub.

Because then I could move in here.

The steam's been on for 10 years. No human can turn this off.

Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from Iceland to Finland.

I'm living with Ethel Merman without the talent.

You don't tip a gardener. - You can tip a gardener. - You don't need a gardener.

I like that.

I could go as high as... I don't know. Maybe... twenty dollars?

So you do want it. - I want it if you don't want it. - You just said you wanted it. - No, I'm saying if a situation arose... in which you didn't want it, I might take it.

No, it hit the table. - So what? - Interference. You can't count that. Come on, are you crazy? The coin cannot touch anything. It affects it.

Why did I put out two? Why did I put out two?!

Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff.

See, he swallowed. See, the guy, he swallowed.

How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping. - I won't mope. - You're already moping.

We can only thank God for that.

Ah, mint.

Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.

Approach this as if he was a woman. Break up? Absolutely.

The four worst words in the English language. That or 'Whose bra is this?' Hmm, that is worse.

So I have a decision-- do I walk or eat? You ate.

Someone says 'Get out of my life,' and that doesn't affect your appetite? Ever had their egg salad?

She ended it. At least she could've sent me off with a sandwich.

I know a guy who vacationed on his change. Yeah? Where'd he go-- to an arcade?

I gave your ticket to Horneck. You what?

You want me to roll 6,000 of these? What? Should I quit my job?

Get some cheese for me. I'm nearly there. I'd like a reward for this, please.

Trapezoids? I know. I'm really running out of excuses with this guy.

Superman probably has a very good sense of humour... I never heard him say anything funny.

But he ain't funny.

Televising opera? Some sort of electronic thingy.

You mind if they use your bed? Because they're good people, Jerry. You know, they're anarchists. They're... They're huge.

I don't know what he's got, but for a sick guy, he's very strong.

I don't know, $8000. It's a Hyundai. Get out of here.

You don't recover that quickly from a nose job.

The Tramco Corporation... They're about to introduce some sort... of a robot butcher.

I'd be looking at her face, I'd go, 'Come on. Love her. Love her.'

She'd tell me she loved me. All right, so at first, I'd just look at her. I'd go, 'Oh, really?' Or, 'Boy, that's... That's something.'

I'm on the couch, she's on the chair. I get up to go to the bathroom, I come back... she's on the couch. What am I supposed to do? Not do anything? I couldn't. I would've insulted her.

I think you're afraid to sit next to a man. You're a little homophobic, aren't you? Is it that obvious?

Would you do that? If I was a different person.

I told her, in the kitchen. Which was risky, because it's near all the knives.

There's this voice inside me going, 'You're doing it.' Then she started to cry, and I weakened a little bit. I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry, the voice said: 'Keep going. Keep going. You're almost out.'

It's like I was making a prison break. I'm heading for the wall. And I trip and twist my ankle and they throw that light on you. You know? Somehow I get through the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. She's firing at me from the guard towers.

I like that Marlene. What's her number? Yeah, no, I... I don't think so.

You know, sometimes she'll go, 'Hello, Jerry?' And I'll go, 'Oh, hi, Marlene.' And then it's, 'Jerry... I don't know sometimes.' 'Know sometimes.'

Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion. Right off!

Yeah. 'Doctor.'

I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything. Touch this, feel that. 75 bucks. What's 75 bucks? What, am I seeing Sinatra in there? Am I being entertained? I don't understand this.

Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible? You're a fine person. You're a humanitarian. She's very sexy. That voice. She's driving me crazy. I know. I know.

And it's always about Jeffrey, right? Yeah. He talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department.

So how are your levels coming along? Well, I decided I'm not gonna do it. Really? What a shock.

So... ...when do I get my dinner? There's no dinner. The bet's off. I'm not gonna do it. Yes, I know you're not gonna do it. That's why I bet.

We didn't bet on if you wanted to do it... ...we bet on if it would be done. And it could be done. Well, of course it could be done. Anything could be done, but it only is done if it's done.

You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstance... ...in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen?

You know, I can't believe you're even considering not playing. We need you. You're hitting everything. He has to go. He may have killed her.

I just don't see what purpose it's gonna serve, you going. I mean, you think dead people care who's at their funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's in the back going, 'I can't believe Jerry didn't show up.'

Do you know how easy it is for dead people to travel? It's not like getting on a bus. One second: It's all mental.

It's raining. It's raining? It's raining. The game will be postponed. We'll play tomorrow.

Who gets picked off in softball? It's unheard-of. Never happened to me before. I remember saying to myself, 'Why is Jerry so far off the base?'

I'll have to live with this shame for the rest of my life. Look. Then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly? I thought there were two outs.

It was the single worst moment of my life. What about Sharon Besser? Oh, well, of course, 1973.

Wait, you think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me? I never saw anyone play like that. But I went to the funeral. Yeah, but that doesn't make up for killing her.

Maybe Manya missed the funeral... ...because she was off visiting another galaxy that day. Don't you think she would've heard I was there? Not necessarily.

That's definitely you. - Really? - That's more you... than you've ever been.

I paid what it costs. - How much? - What's the difference? - You're not gonna tell me? - I'd rather not say out loud. It's embarrassing.

Whoa, Nelson.

It just comes out. I have no control over it. I'm singing it on elevators, buses. Singing in front of clients. It's taking over my life.

You know, Schumann went mad from that. - Artie Schumann from Camp Hatchapee? - No, you idiot. - What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you calling me an idiot for?

He had to be institutionalised. - Really? - Well, what if it doesn't stop? - Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot.

He'll look at us... like he's backstage at a puppet show.

There's never been an appointment in my life... where I wanted the other guy to show up.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes she's on time... and sometimes she's late. I guess... today she's late.

Which one's supposed to be the funny guy? - Oh, he's the comedian. - I'm just a regular person.

Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads together like Moe.

Well, Guatemala... - Sure. Guatemala.

Snow, that can't be good for suede, can it? - I wouldn't think so. - What should I do?

When women smile, I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic.

Remember Quayle when Bentsen gave him the Kennedy line? That's what I looked like.

For me to ask a woman out, I gotta get into a mental state like karate guys before they break bricks.

And to cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple. I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, makes you sound casual. Yeah, like a farm boy.

Enthusiastic hi, that's beautiful. I don't get the enthusiastic hi, I'm out of there.

It's like robbing a bank. Don't loiter in front of the teller with a bag of money. You make your hit and get out.

No, thanks. I can't drink coffee at night. It keeps me up.

Awkward silence and abrupt scene end after George's coffee rejection

'Take it easy.' 'Take it easy!'

Coffee's not coffee. Coffee is sex. Maybe coffee was coffee. Coffee's coffee in the morning, not at 12:00 at night.

Yeah, people who work at NORAD who are on 24-hour missile watch.

Women don't want to see need. They want a take-charge guy, a colonel, a Kaiser, a czar.

I can't call a woman with other people in the room.

Hi, it's Carol. I'll get back to you. Hi! It's George. George Costanza. Remember me? The guy who didn't come up for coffee.

The ball's in your court. Take it easy.

I'm dead. I'm a dead man. That's it, I'm dead. I'm a dead man. Dead man.

The little light's blinking right now. 'Come and listen to the idiot. Hey, everybody, the idiot's on!'

Where the hell do you get the nerve? You invite me up for coffee, and then you don't call me back for four days? I don't like coffee. I don't have to come up! I'd like to get one more shot at the coffee so I can spit it in your face!

She called my office. She said she's been in the Hamptons since Sunday. Her machine broke, and she's been using her old machine. And she doesn't have the beeper for it.

You are such a wuss. A wuss? Did you call me a wuss?

The signal is... I'll call out 'Tippy-toe!' Tippy-toe? I don't think so. You don't like tippy-toe? No tippy-toe.

I'll sing. What song? 'How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?' What is that? It's a lovely song.

'Lemon Tree.' Peter, Paul and Mary? No. Trini Lopez.

To hell with this! I'm scared. Walk away. Cancel everything.

I know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets.

It went away. That's weird. No, no, that can happen. I've read about that in medical journals.

Tippy-toe! Tippy-toe! Lemon tree!

Oh, God... I keep forgetting to enter that.

You think you're an idiot, but with all due respect, I'm a much bigger idiot than you are. Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.

Ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building? Ever go to a singles' weekend in the Poconos?

You'll have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be a permanent road trip. Forget about the home-bed advantage.

But I need the home-bed advantage. Of course. We all do.

My censor quit two years ago. Checked into a clinic, emotionally exhausted.

For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.

I'd like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date first.

Yeah, the guy with the flat head. He's a cube.

You're a good-looking guy. What do you want to walk around like that for? No, I'll put a half a can of mousse in my head like you.

And how does the baldness fit into that plan?

Are you kidding? I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.

People don't turn down money. It's what separates us from the animals.

Yeah. Because I'm a pod.

I'm not. It's just a sociological experiment.

You have no idea what an idiot is.

I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden.

So, please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, lord of the idiots.

Just put some soap on your finger. It'll slide right off. Well, then try axle grease.

Don't get up. - I'd like to help, but my neck...

Students can't clean. It's anathema. They don't like it. How long you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

Why don't you just settle it like mature adults? - Potato man. - No, no. No potato man. Inka-dink.

And you are... - Wait a minute. No. ...it - What? What are you doing? No, no. Oh, okay. All right. He's out, I get it. - No, no, no. I'm it. I win. - No. He's it. He wins. It is good.

He cleaned in the little one-inch area...between the refrigerator and the counter. How'd he get in there? He must be like Rubber Man. There's no Rubber Man. Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man, Plastic Man...

You wuss. - Did you call me a wuss? - What did you say? I said, 'luss.' I'm at a 'luss.'

That's it! I can't take it. I can't take it anymore! You stole the statue! You're a thief! You're a liar! - George. - Who is this? I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is, guilty!

I checked you out. They have no record...of a Ray Thomas at that school, you liar! That is because I am registered under my full legal name...Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name. You mean 'alias.'

That's it. This is it. I'm done! Through! It's over! I'm gone! Finished! Over! I will never work for you again! Look at you. You think you're an important man? You are a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing at you! You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing!

You know, like the general manager of a baseball team.

You know how I always make... interesting comments during the game?

Well, that's really not fair.

Those unions.

Someone said once I'd be a good talk show host. - Really? - Yeah, a couple of people.

What quit? Who quit?

Are you kidding? I didn't quit. Why, you took that seriously?

'Laughingstock,' all that stuff... 'No brains, no ability'? - Teasing.

I'm gonna slip him a Mickey.

It's like a movie. I'm gonna slip him a Mickey.

The best revenge is living well. - There's no chance of that.

I'm gonna count to three. If you don't give up the chair... the wig is coming off. - I don't wear a wig. - One...

I think I'm having a heart attack.

Why can't I have a heart attack?! I'm allowed.

Manhattan Memorial. Less of a line.

I never been in the hospital a day in my life... except when I had my tonsils out.

You know, they never gave me any ice cream. I always felt that if they...

Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves are too short.

Jerry... kill me. Kill me now. I'm begging you.

Hey, is anybody listening?!

Oh, God. Mommy.

I'm 33, I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty... I'm already facing the problems of old age.

I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You can do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm.

I never had a really good pickle.

I'm an eggplant! I'm a vegetable!

What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on the land, or was he just restricted to water?

Oxygen. I need some oxygen.

You ask me here to have lunch... tell me you slept with Elaine... and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now, you listen to me. I want details, and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well, you get in the mood!

If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep. I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would break through the door. They'd find me in my pyjamas with drool coming down my face.

Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done. Thousands of years, people have tried to have their cake and eat it too.

You know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. One of these losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking... he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.

No. No. You see? You got greedy.

It could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning... and all they have is a little Army cot this wide. You're not going anywhere.

What, like at a bus stop? - Like a park bench? - Who puts a bench in the house?

The frame says, 'I care for you, but if you want to get serious... perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this.' Nice-looking fellow.

Those birthdays. I told you, they're relationship killers. If a relationship's having any problems whatsoever, a birthday brings it out.

Have to wear that really heavy denim. The cafeteria, with the guy who slops the mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people.

Don't get up. I'd like to help, but my neck....

Students can't clean. It's anathema. They don't like it. How long you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

Why don't you just settle it like mature adults? -Potato man. -No, no. No potato man. Inka-dink.

Wait a minute. No. -...it -What? What are you doing? No, no. Oh, okay. All right. He's out, I get it. -No, no, no. I'm it. I win. -No. He's it. He wins. It is good.

Hey, I look like Joe Friday in Dragnet.

The inka-dink. You were it. -It's bad? -It's very bad.

He must be like Rubber Man. There's no Rubber Man. Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man, Plastic Man....

'I find you so charming.' You wuss. -Did you call me a wuss? -What did you say? I said, 'luss.' I'm at a 'luss.'

That's it! I can't take it anymore! You stole the statue! You're a thief! You're a liar! -George. -Who is this? I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is, guilty!

I called the registrar's office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school, you liar! That is because I am registered under my full legal name Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name. You mean 'alias.'

Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window.

I wanna see garbage men. It's much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men.

They should combine the two jobs. Make it one job. Cop/garbage man. I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom.

You sweep, sweep, sweep. Catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping.

You should run for mayor. - Nobody listens.

I'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all.

It's not fair that people are seated first come, first served. It should be based on who's hungriest.

I don't wanna go over there and do it and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole like I didn't put mustard on it or something.

For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in their soup and blow.

You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way!

Does she care? No. Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No! A resounding no.

Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. And it's, like, right there, you know? It's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove, you understand? There's no buffer zone.

I begin to perceive this impending intestinal requirement whose needs are going to surpass, by great lengths, anything in the sexual realm.

I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need.

Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left.

So I'm dressing, and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events.

The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am, in reality, Batman. And I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat Signal.

I told her to call me here and to tell anyone that answers to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses.

Oh, my God, Lorraine. That's Lorraine from my uncle's office. I am in big, big trouble.

The chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida. It's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears.

Who's Cartwright? I'm Cartwright. You're not Cartwright. Of course I'm not Cartwright!

Anytime you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap, ten to one-- plugs.

We, uh, shared an interpersonal experience.

the Benes tattoo does not wash off so easily

He'll probably kill his family over this.

A lot of ex-cons become busboys. They seem to gravitate toward it.

It was a fat camp! Those kids depended on me.

try not to say too much.

Well, I'm not an idiot. Certainly not. Then we're cool. Y-- Yeah. Yeah, w-w-we're cool.

The lamp. There's wire sticking out.

So the last person in should close the door. Let me talk to him. Call-- Call him from your house.

It was that fall down the stairs, that's what did it. That's not how it happened. It's when he fell on him with his knee.

I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.

And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy. I could be one of these people.

I'm talking about the ones that forge them.

I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it, so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it.

But Raymond is a man.

I can't get a massage from a man.

What? You're a woman. They're supposed to be touching you.

If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you.

What if it felt good?

I don't want it to feel good.

Then why get the massage? Exactly.

I said, what do you do? I don't know. You don't know what you do? No.

But you wrote that it was tender. I wrote. I wrote.

Korea. You hurt it in Korea? What? The hamstring. Korea. How? Hamstring. How did you hurt the hamstring? Hotel.

A man gave me... Yes. A man gave you... A man gave me... a massage.

He was... touching and rubbing. That's a massage.

He got about... two inches from... there.

I think it moved.

Maybe it just wanted to change positions. You know... shift to the other side. No, no. It wasn't a shift. I've shifted. This was a move.

That's the sign, the test. If a-- If a man makes it move.

Do you think it's contact? It has to be touched? That's what a gym teacher once told me.

I don't like to sit next to men on airplanes because our knees might touch.

I don't even like to use urinals. Always been a stall man.

He's a good fighter... and a nice guy, but I don't like him. How come you don't like him? Why should I?

For some reason, I went like this: (effeminate gesture implied) And they called me a Mary.

I've never been happy. I mean, I'm happy sometimes, but not now. In college, maybe.

Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies.

They talk back. They go, 'Hey, George, how's it going?' I said, 'Get the hell out of here.'

You see? Now, that is a handsome man. Oh, please.

What if it rains? They're art. You hang them on the wall.

'Who so belongs only to his age... reverences only its popinjays and mumbo jumbos.' Thomas Carlyle, 1864. Tommy C.

I don't even pay taxes. Yeah. That's easy when you have no income.

I want the truth! The truth? You want the truth?!

You call everyone by their full name. You called my doorman Sammy, 'Samuel.' But you didn't even say Samuel. You went 'Samuel.'

My whole life has been a complete waste of time. And there's so much more to go.

I broke up with her.

You're extremely... careful with money. I'm what? I'm cheap? You think I'm cheap?!

When I was working, I spent, baby! Yeah, I know. Champagne, limos, cigars.

A pocketbook or a handbag? Is that relevant? She took them.

A mental institution.

I've driven women to lesbianism before... but never to a mental institution.

Came over to my house for dinner, there was no soda... and he went berserk. He was screaming, 'Where's the Pepsi? Where's the Pepsi?'

I should be in a place like this. I envy this woman. Get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit, they pity you. Pity's very underrated. I like it. It's good.

Plus, they give you those word-association tests. I love those. They're great. There's no wrong answer. Potato. Tuberculosis. Blanket. Leroy. Grass. Tuberculosis.

Who are you? This is my friend... Jerry. Why are you talking like that?

I'm incapable of guile. He's never guiled.

There are no copies. Who makes copies?

I'm going to a poetry reading... with Patrice. First-time poets. It's in a burnt-out building down by the docks. It's supposed to be good.

You're going that way anyway! Come on.

Oh, memory burn, huh?

I kind of like those sticks. I'd like to get them in my house.

Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obscenities and doing callisthenics? / I think that's Mr. Heyman.

He's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle. But I think it's him.

Oh, tattletale. / I didn't tattle. / Well, what did this guy do? / I never figured you for a squealer. / He sang like a canary.

I don't understand lunch. I don't know anything about it.

Instead of saying Costanza, he'd say, 'Can't stand you. Can't stand you.'

He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus. That was double overtime.

He turns and smiles. The little baked-bean teeth.

Here I was on the steps of the 42nd Street library, a grown man, getting a wedgie.

At least it wasn't atomic. / It was.

The Dewey Decimal System. What a scam that was. Boy, this Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal.

He's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle. But I think it's him.

Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum, does it?

Instead of saying Costanza, he'd say, 'Can't stand you. Can't stand you.'

Can't stand you. Can't stand you.

At least it wasn't atomic. It was.

Why do I always have the feeling everybody's doing something better than me on Saturdays?

They're out on some big picnic, they're cooking burgers, making out on blankets.

They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air conditioner.

Fish. What do they do? - What do you do?

Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that gonna do for me? How does that help me, to see her?

Yeah, women love to get approached in parking garages. I'll go up and say, 'Hi, how you doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?'

You get within 15 feet, she'd have her finger on the Mace button.

There's elevators all over! Everything looks the same! We're like rats in some experiment.

It's black, right? - Well, it's dark brown.

In a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that?

Why don't you just go behind one of these cars. - Why? There's nobody around.

You hold it in like that, you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers.

Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a $600-million-a-year industry?

That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant.

If I am not in front of my building at 6:15, when my parents get there, they're gonna put me on an aggravation instalment plan that will compound, with interest, for decades.

I once left my jacket on a bus when I was 14. I was flying to Chicago, last week, on a plane: 'Make sure you hang on to your jacket.'

What would it take for his parents to get a car phone? - Hypnosis by aliens.

I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.

His eyes look a little cloudy. - See? - Oh, those are your eyes.

I'm telling you, I've had this condition since I was 11 years old. I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life.

Die! Is it worth dying for? - That's up to you. - Oh, so you don't care if I die.

Because I could get 'uromysitisis' poisoning and die, that's why.

I've been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.

Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place.

Guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science-fiction story.

What's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually. - Does that bother you? - Yeah, it bothers me. - Doesn't it bother you? - Not at all.

Now, that bothers me even more than dying bothers me. Because people like you live to be 120 because you're not bothered by it.

Meanwhile, I'm here with you in a parking garage in Jersey.

First of all, you don't even know, technically, that I went. I mean, I could have been pouring a bottle of water out there.

And, you know, when you think about it, it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity.

That's not a reason, 'You can't.' You just don't want to. - That's right. - But why? Why don't you want to? - I don't know.

Today my parents are celebrating their 50th... Well, I'm jumping ahead here. Their 47th wedding anniversary.

My father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past 14 years.

What did he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Or does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?

My father was staying with one of China's great military leaders, General Chang, who, by the way, came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken.

Apparently, General Chang is a flamboyant man. Complete failure as a general, but a hell of a cook.

He doesn't have enough with the Mercedes, he has to have two spaces. I tell you, you know what I'd like to do? I'd like to spit on it.

This is some machine. Leave it to the Germans.

I was arrested for urinating. - Me too. - You what? - I have uromysitisis.

Sure, I'll drive you around. - You will? - Sure. - Thank you. Thank you.

Well, I wouldn't wanna get lost in here. It smells like a toilet. - You're telling me. - Filthy pigs.

Get out! - But I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard. I didn't know you were with that group.

Boy, I had a hell of a time finding that air conditioner. You know I looked everywhere? I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was? - Purple 23. - Right. Purple 23.

Women don't want nice.

What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?

His family's probably back in Pakistan waiting for him to send back money. This is horrible.

I've never been a guinea pig. Been a sheep, been a toady...

I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years.

What did I get, or what do I say I got?

Well, this I take to the grave.

It's like a spider in the toilet, struggling for survival. And even though you know he's not gonna make it... you root for him for a second. Then you flush.

Casus belli... It's Latin. I read it in some book. I just wanted to say it out loud.

Why is what I do so important? Why must I always be the focal point of attention? Let me just be. Let me live.

Get out of here. / You get out of here. / You get out of here.

Yeah, that's what it is, isn't it? A caper.

This is the best tool we have today of measuring a person's intelligence.

I had a sandwich in my pocket.

Why would I go out the door? The window's right here.

Eighty-five! 85 IQ.

It was the same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

One fifty-one.

The big toe is, like, the captain of the toes. But sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's, like, a power struggle. And the second toe assumes control of the foot.

China? Yeah, I'll pay for it. What for? What for? I'll tell you what for. For hair.

Is that the guy who likes fat women? Yeah. Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?

Oh, my God. Let me hear. Wait, wait, wait. Who is this woman? I don't know. I have no idea.

This is like a Penthouse letter

Tell her. I want to hear her reaction. This woman left this sexy message... Not that, you idiot! What? The Chinese! The Chinese bald cure!

Oh, my God. You?

I told you he went to the track that one time and he was yelling at this jockey. And the jockey got off the horse and started chasing him.

Maybe she realized she couldn't have you and jumped off the George Washington Bridge.

Know what that makes you? A baldist.

That thing you said about the sex not being simulated...That was really funny.

That's the worst cockney accent I ever heard in my life.

I would say every two and a half to eight weeks.

The big toe, the captain.

I found a hair! Yes!

On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?

You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England.

Can you believe I did that? What did she say? What crop circles?

Oh, man, spinach. I've been walking around like this all afternoon.

You bump into anybody you knew? I had a job interview.

How did it go? Take a guess.

You don't need a job. You got Audrey. Yeah. Right.

You won't think I'm a bad person? Too late for that.

Her nose is a little big. Yeah, she's got a big nose. I mean, big would even be okay. It's beyond big. It's a schnoz.

I'm aware that my own physical dimensions...are a little short of perfection. A little.

But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't wanna think about it, I don't ask to think about it, but I think about it. I go to bed, I tell myself, 'Don't think about the nose.' I think about it.

I look at her, I see the nose.

The ironic thing is, if she had a smaller nose...I never could've dated her. She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose.

I'm not getting past that nose.

All right, shut up. Here they come. How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing.

What are you thinking about? Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking?

So, what did you think? About the pizza? No. About the nose job.

You know, not that I care one way or the other...but these doctors today do amazing things. If you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.

Peter Jennings had one. Really? Probably. They all do.

Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...

It's really nothing. It's like going to the dentist. I hate the dentist. It's a cleaning.

Unfortunately...we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone it...but it's a fact of life.

Now you talked her into a nose job? Me? I didn't say anything. You encouraged her to get one. I didn't encourage. No encourage.

'Peter Jennings had one'? It's possible.

Unless you'd really like one, then...

I'm going straight to hell. No two ways about it. It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into bad dudes.

It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.

How did you get fleas? My cousin's imbecile dog was outside and they got in his carpet.

Let's just examine the situation for a second. Who, in this situation, would be more likely to make a mistake? Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there... or you?

You may think you've won, but you haven't won. Know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting what's happening here. You have my $10. I will get it back. All right. Don't worry. And it's not over. I'm going now. Goodbye. I will be back.

How about this: Chicken wing.

She told me she wants me to make love to her. What? She said that? Yeah. Get out of here. I swear.

I long for you.

Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office? I never had a job.

Every day is a date. That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?

Every time I go to the bathroom, I pass her desk. I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards I sit in my office and analyse how it went.

If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom the rest of the day.

You're stealing this, aren't you? I'm not stealing. They owe me $10. They stole from me. You're a lunatic. I have to. It's a matter of honour.

He only works three hours a day. He makes a fortune. He's been doing that for years, right, Jerry?

Could anybody do that?

I'm in a transition phase right now.

Owen March. I never heard of him. ... Well, he's not a baseball player. ... Yeah, that's true.

Why do people always say that? I hate everybody. Why would I like him?

These pretzels are making me thirsty... No... These pretzels are making me thirsty... No, no. See, that's no good.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

A cookie! ... Can you give him a cookie? ... How's he gonna chew it? ... Move his teeth. Worked for my uncle.

Who am I gonna tell, my mother? Like I have nothing better to talk about. / You don't.

He's been off the wagon two years. / 'Off the wagon'? / I think it's 'off the wagon.' / I think it's 'on the wagon.'

Today is your lucky day. / It would be my first one.

Cranberry juice? / And vodka.

Well, you know, book reports, that kind of stuff.

Who do you read? / I like Mike Lupica. / Mike Lupica? / He's a sportswriter for the Daily News. I find him very insightful.

Well... a lot of good ones. Lot of good ones. I don't even wanna mention anybody because I'm afraid I'm gonna leave somebody out.

I like Art Vandalay. / Art Vandalay? / He's an obscure writer. Beatnik, you know, from the village. / What's he written? / Venetian Blinds.

I got news for you. I'm funnier than you are.

One drink like that, and he could fall right off the wagon. / Told you.

Find me one person that doesn't like cashmere.

Money. / Jerry, how could you let him spend so much? / I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy.

I've always been attracted to cleaning women. / Cleaning women, chambermaids... / Yeah, chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too. / Why is that? / It's a woman in your room.

Convulsing? / I don't know. I'm trying to help you.

I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next thing I knew, she was mopping the floor with me.

Here I go out, in the spirit of the season and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas, and this is the thanks I get at Christmas.

I had a 103 temperature when I bought that sweater. I was so dizzy, I was seeing red dots everywhere. I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it.

It was just a little red dot. A little red dot.

Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me when I started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon... You know, because I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you, people do that all the time.

What about the whole Christmas-spirit thing? Any flexibility there?

Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose? / No. / George? / Over here.

It's Cape Fear. Hide. Hide under the desk. / Move over. / Get off of me. / I have no room. / My foot's sticking out. / Shut up. He's coming.

Don't whistle on the elevator - that's what Willy Loman told Biff in Death of a Salesman

How do they work the bride and groom on that? Do they flip a coin?

Who are you, Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second interview.

You looking for a job?

Which market? The... The big one. The big market with the big board. Bull market, bear market. You name the market, I'm there.

Big brokerage houses killed my father. Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt his feelings.

Hey, what's another million, give or take? I get off when and where I wanna get off.

You realize, of course, you're naked.

George's extended panic monologue about being trapped on the subway

George's internal monologue about 'make yourself comfortable'

My mother used to walk around our apartment in her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you. She was really disgusting, really bad body... if you can imagine an uglier, fatter version of Shirley Booth.

Hey, your mother's uglier than Hazel. Hazel really puts your mother to shame.

Eight dollars? What are you doing, robbing me? I wasted my whole morning on you for $8?

You can't just leave me here. Will I see you again?

Hare Krishna! Hare Krishna! How'd you like a Hare Krishna fist down your throat, you little punk?

She's a pianist, a classical pianist! She plays the piano!

She's a brilliant woman! I sat in her living room, she played the Waldstein Sonata. The Waldstein!

We did a crossword puzzle together in bed. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life! Do you hear me? In my life!

I was telling you about Noel. Oh, Noel, yeah. The one that plays the bongos.

So sidesplittingly funny.

I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. Why should she have the upper hand? For once, I'd like the upper hand. I have no hand, no hand at all.

She has the hand. I have no hand. Hand me that, would you? Yeah.

She'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way.

What the hell's a Polar Bear? These people go swimming in the winter. They're terrific.

Hey, what goes on there, exactly? You don't know? No, I know. I know. You think they have fleas there, don't you? No. Yes, you do, Biff.

You've never been, and you think they have fleas there. All right, I think they have fleas there. So what?

They have a piano backstage they warm up on. No. We would have heard it. You think they just crack their knuckles and come out?

Don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet. I really resent that. That's directed at me, isn't it?

I'm sorry, George. I'm sorry. What did you put the PEZ dispenser on her leg for? I don't know. It was an impulse. What kind of a sick impulse is that?

I'll tell her I was the one who laughed. No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a jerk.

What are you, a baby? All right, tell him. When I was outside, I ran into John Mollica. Really? John Mollica?

Could we cut to the chase? Cut to the chase? What are you, Joe Hollywood?

A lot of people say it. I would lose that. What's that? Lose that? That's not a Hollywood expression. Yes, it is.

You play a hell of a piano. Yeah, I was really moved. Really moved.

I said, I don't feel like it. All right... I'll... I'll call you. I'll call you, and we'll talk on the phone. Have a telephone communiqué.

So, fine. Everything's fine. Everything good? Good. I feel good. Fine. That's fine. That's good. Okay. Okey-doke.

You know, I think Kramer might have been indirectly responsible for getting Richie involved in drugs. What? How?

The guy was, like, 67 years old. It was freezing out. He caught a cold, developed pneumonia, a month later he was dead. Shut up.

All the comedians were happy because he's one of these club owners nobody liked. But Richie was never the same. What about Kramer? He's the same.

Stop smelling your arm!

It's over. It's definitely over. She broke up with you? No, but she's going to. I can sense it.

I'm very good at going in reverse in my car. Why isn't Postum a more popular drink?

You know what that means. What's wrong with lunch? Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don't go back to lunch. It's like being demoted.

I'll never do a crossword puzzle with her again, I know it. I like the jumble. You ever do the jumble?

I have no power, you understand? I need hand! I have no hand! Why don't you break up with her. What? Break up with her. You reverse everything that way. A preemptive breakup.

This is an incredible idea. Yeah. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but I go out with some dignity, or I completely turn the tables!

So I'm afraid I am gonna have to break up with you. You're breaking up with me? Yes. I am breaking up with you.

Shocked? Never expected this, did you? I thought everything was fine. Well, live and learn.

I didn't mean to hurt you, kid. Now, stop it, please. What do you want? I know I can make you happy.

When you're playing the piano, do you think about me? I don't know. This is what I'm talking about. Okay, I'll think about you. All the time? All the time? You know... Okay, all the time. I can't hear you. All the time!

See? It's not so hard.

Jerry, let me tell you something. A man without hand is not a man. I've got so much hand, I'm coming out of my gloves.

Even if I were dragged through manure, I still wouldn't put that stuff on. This man is a genius! A genius!

You put a PEZ dispenser on her leg during my recital? I didn't know she would laugh. And, you... You lied to me, George. You lied to me!

I am breaking up with you. You can't break up with me. I've got hand! And you're gonna need it.

So as the father's trying to load it, he loses control of the car, crashes into a high school cafeteria. Get out. Nobody's hurt, but PEZ was all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed, virtually beyond recognition.

So as he's telling the story, he starts crying. What did you do? What do you think? I gave him my PEZ dispenser.

He's eating them like there's no tomorrow. What's a three-letter word for candy?

No.

He was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport, Maine... in this really ominous nightclub. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off.

Your father's bald. Baldness is inherited from the mother's side, Jerry. But your mother's bald too.

I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits. Really? Oh, yeah. Gandhi loved Triscuits.

There's no tall buildings where these people live? They can't wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?

Fruit makes me incontinent.

Why try anymore? There's no sense to it. I'll never meet anybody. I should accept it.

Are my nostrils getting bigger?

Why can't I just walk up to a woman and say, 'Hi, I'm George'? 'How are you?' Is that so terrible? H-- H-- Hi. Hi. Hi.

You see, I wouldn't really mind so much, but I feel badly for my mother. If my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad. But I'm telling you, if I'm not married by the time I'm 40, I'll have to kill her.

Because it's the only fair thing to do. I just couldn't put her through that.

Who says I'm not bitter? Aren't you too young to be bitter? No, you can be young and bitter. Just maybe not as bitter as I'll be 10 years from now. But I'm bitter.

Anyway, don't tell anyone. Don't worry. Your bitterness is safe with me.

Why? No. I'm not going to do that. It's one step away from personal ads. Then prostitutes. No! No! I am not going down that road.

What does she look like? She's good-looking. How good-looking? Very good-looking. Really good-looking? Really very good-looking. Would you take her out? Yes, I would. You hesitated.

What hesitate? I didn't hesitate. Something's up. You hesitated.

What about the body? Good body. Nice body. How nice? Nice. Pretty nice. Really good? Really very nice and good.

Funny. Bright. I don't want anyone smarter than me. How could she be smarter than you?

We had an incredible phone conversation. We talked for, like, 20 minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call.

I thought she had a great voice timbre. Is it 'timbre' or 'tambre'? I think it's tambre. Why'd I think timbre?

She could do voice-overs. You didn't tell me about her voice? It's mellifluous.

I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date, they should just have two phones on the table at the restaurant.

See? I don't get that. We had a relaxed, stimulating, great conversation. She doesn't mention it? Why not mention it?

I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia. We swore we wouldn't tell you and Elaine. You can tell. I'll vault it. It's in the vault? I'm locking the vault.

We had sex. Oh, my God, you had sex? How did that happen? I don't know. I closed my eyes and made a move.

At your apartment? Yeah. She didn't stay over? No. She left.

I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. We have sex, she leaves 10 minutes later, then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? She used me. I feel cheap and violated.

Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen floor like some kind of roach trap. 'Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.' 'Sir.' Whatever.

I was smart. I was funny. I made great small talk with the waitress so she could see I could relate to the commoners. I'm a man of the people.

Don't call. No, I'm calling her. No, Jerry, I don't want you to. Get away from me. Give me the phone. You wanna fight me? Jerry, I'm gonna kill you.

What? Yeah. Defective? Yeah. How could you give me a defective condom? I didn't even know they were defective. Didn't think you'd use them.

Oh, my God! I can't believe it. I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it! I'm a father!

This is good. Oh, this is good. Is that salt on this? Is there salt on this?

See, you two were hogging the ball. Me? It wasn't me. I never even saw the ball.

All you do is dribble. I have to dribble. If I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a chucker.

Believe me, I didn't see anything. Oh, you didn't sneak a peek? -No. Did you? -Yeah, I snuck a peek.

Why? -Why not?

Yeah, I...snuck a peek. But it was so fast, I didn't see anything. It was just a blur.

You know who that is? That's Keith Hernandez. Keith Hernandez, the baseball player?

He's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff. Wow, I'd love to be a Civil War buff.

What do you have to do to become a buff? So Biff wants to be a buff?

Hey, should we say something to him? Oh, I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker room.

He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld. So?

What, you're comparing yourself...to Keith Hernandez? The guy's a baseball player, Jerry, baseball!

What, you're making some wisecracks in a nightclub?

The guy was in game six, two runs down, two outs, facing elimination!

You know what I've discovered, Mrs. Sokol? It's not so much the looking...as the listening.

I listen for work. As I'm looking...and listening-- I'm also looking. You cannot discount looking. It's a combination. It's looking. And listening. Listening. And looking. But you must look.

Specific. Let's see....I've walked in and out of so many buildings. They all blend in together.

One name. Absolutely. Let's see, there's....Vandalay Industries.

Latex. Latex manufacturing, Mrs. Sokol.

The selling of latex and latex-related products.

They just wouldn't give me a chance. Damn it!

You like gum? Because I have a friend in the gum business. I got a gum guy!

I make one phone call, have boxes of gum delivered right to your door.

Vandalay is...129 West 81st Street. It's a very small industry, Vandalay.

That's...KL5...8383. Are you planning on calling them soon? Because they have very strange hours.

Maybe if you wait a few months, it won't be a baby anymore. Then you won't have to see it. Because he'll be all grown-up.

You know what? Bad mistake. My mistake. Go back. Your lane was better. Forget this lane. This lane stinks. Go back to your lane.

That's it! Get out! What do you mean, get out? Get out of the cab! What? I'm not getting out of this cab. No! No! You cannot throw me out!

I was at the unemployment office. I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandalay Industries...and I gave them your phone number.

I'm Vandalay Industries? Right. What is that? You're in latex. Latex? Right. What do I do with latex? I don't know! You manufacture it!

Right here in this little apartment? And what do I say about you? You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.

I don't think so. Why would I do that? Because I asked you to.

What kind of a shake does he have? Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard. Didn't have to prove anything, but firm enough to know he was there.

If you don't see the baby now, you're never gonna see her.

I hope you don't mind my saying, she is breathtaking. You think so? Would you take this picture away from me? Just take it away. Get it out of here.

You trying to make a joke, Mrs. Sokol? It's not funny. I can tell you that. I'm serious. She doesn't.

Billions and billions.

But it's Saturday. All the offices are closed. I got me an appointment with a hardware store.

I'm not saying I want to do it for the rest of my life...but hardware fascinates me. Wouldn't you love to make a key?

Will I call you when I get home? What do you think? You kill me. You really kill me.

"One mile from the exit, it starts shaking, violently shaking... like it's having a nervous breakdown"

"So you have no car." "No." "So, what good are you?"

Irish name negotiation - George wants to be Dylan Murphy instead of just himself

George calls his mother from limo - entire conversation about not being able to explain

Testing if driver can hear by suggesting picking up his sister for fun

"My dear fellow, where are you dropping us?" in affected accent

George attempts to quote George Bernard Shaw and completely mangles it

"What other members of our party? I didn't even know we were in a party."

"It was a bad jig. We never should've started it." "It was a good jig." "It was a bad jig. A terrible, terrible jig."

"First, you don't look like any O'Brien." "You should've been O'Brien."

"Who are you, Mannix?" in response to jump and roll suggestion

Elaine's salary interrogation and Jerry's response about knowing how much George makes

"Nice-looking Luger."

"Kind of a cute Nazi, though."

George's hotel bed story - hurt hamstring trying to kick out tight sheets

"It's for a mental patient." about tight hotel sheets

"Okay?" after George establishes hierarchy with Tim

"No one's ever been shot in the city."

"He's extremely Murphy. To a fault."

"I don't wanna make a Nazi unhappy."

"I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien!"

It's safer. Plus, it's more annoying to the other person.

How could you not give a thank-you wave? Hey, buddy, where's my thank-you wave?

What are you, yellow?

I'm speechless, speechless. I have no speech.

Love when they touch your arm. I can't get enough of that.

That's why I've never been in a long-term relationship. I never had a good meeting story.

Tell her about the shoving.

Bread.

I wasn't gonna say anything, but I saw he wasn't gonna open his mouth.

But from what I understand, not a very good driver. Hits everything on the road, but always leaves a note.

Quinn said he never felt so good as when he left a note after smacking into a car.

I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.

Kirk Douglas. Now, there's another very bad driver. But he's such an unbelievable guy when he hits someone, he doesn't leave a note. He sits in his car and waits for the other person.

What if she's having an off night?

It's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis and William Holden.

On the other hand, it probably wouldn't cost me any money.

It's like hitting a car and driving away without leaving a note.

Angela. Lousy thug.

I actually owe it to society to do something about this!

saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick and Harry, at great personal risk.

Oh, my God. I must be crazy. What have I done?

You're so good-looking.

You lie! How hard is it to lie!

until you got her juiced up with your story about the affair with the matador!

Do you ever yearn? - Yearn? Do I yearn? - I yearn. - You yearn? Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit and yearn.

I crave all the time. Constant craving. But I haven't yearned.

The entire interrogation sequence where Kramer systematically destroys George's life

Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning? - I like to get the Daily News.

'These pretzels are making me thirsty'? That was one line. You got fired.

I want mine back. - What for? - Because I'll give them to Jerry. - Jerry? Why? - Because he gave me his. - So what? - So if he has my keys, I should have his.

I gotta get some new friends.

Newman's entire scene as Kramer's apartment occupier

Ask her about Kramer. - She's drunk out of her mind.

The entire key logic argument between Jerry and George

Wanna fight? - I'll fight you! - Let's go. - Nothing in the face! - Okay.

Maybe because it's a crock of sh... - What's that? - Nothing.

Unless I pull down on this statuette and a hidden wall opens up... we have checked every square inch of this apartment.

Jerry and George discovering Elaine's Murphy Brown script

Elaine's fury at Jerry and George for reading her script

The final key exchange chaos with everyone returning keys

All bald people look good in hats. You should have lived in the '20s and '30s. Men wore hats all the time then. What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.

What if I meet a woman? I'd always worry about that first moment where I take it off... and see that look of disappointment on her face.

You had to move the mirror. I wanted to check out my sunglasses. Went to look in the mirror, it was gone. You threw off my equilibrium.

Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on.

Nobody in my family can pay for parking. It's a sickness. My father never paid for parking. My mother. My brother. Nobody.

It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay when, if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?

Dreams can come true. What did I tell you? You didn't even have to take it out to dinner.

I wish you could make a living parallel parking.

It's all geometry, knowing all the angles... when to make that first turn and when to... swing it back in. That's the key.

There's nothing I can impart to you. That's the sad thing. It's so inborn. I can't pass it on.

But I'm backing in, you can't put it in headfirst! / I can if I have room!

Make sure he reserves the good chair for me.

Crazy kids, huh? / What?

It's my cuticle.

Front-first. That's how you park when you're pulling a bank job.

You are a genius. It's as simple as that. / What can I say? You know, it's a gift.

I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror! I got discombobulated! / Like you've ever been 'bobulated.'

No, I never said I was a good driver, I said, I was a good parker. / Parker. I never said driver. I said, parker. Great parker.

I'm making a stand here. I'm saying no to headfirst parking! We put up with too much crap in this city! We're not putting up with headfirst parking!

It reduces us to jungle law.

There! There it is! Run!

You'll have to go to work! / I don't have a job! / Neither do I!

I'm from Wichita.

Should I give you my keys? Is that the transaction, trading keys?

Do you ever yearn? / I yearn. / You yearn? / Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit and yearn.

I craved. I crave all the time. Constant craving. But I haven't yearned.

What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.

Do you have a job? No. You got money? No. Do you have a woman? No. Do you have any prospects? No. You got anything on the horizon? No. Do you have any action at all? No.

I like to get the Daily News.

Don't play coy with me, I'm not in the mood. Coy? I'm not being coy. Are you being coy? Yeah, coy. You're being coy.

You're right. How did I miss that? Maybe because it's a crock of sh--

What do they look like? Like keys. They look like keys, George. They look exactly like keys. 'What do they look like?'

Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette and a hidden wall opens up... we have checked every square inch of this apartment.

'Murphy Brown'? By Elaine Benes'? Elaine's writing a Murphy Brown?

'Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun.'

'She show her breasts in that?' casual inquiry about Candice Bergen

'My previous record was when Jodi Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody we slept together. I kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds.'

George's rapid-fire list of travel demands and concerns

'Could we do the Universal tour? They have that Backdraft exhibit. Now, that looks very cool to me.'

'I happen to dress based on mood.'

George's elaborate explanation of his clothing variations

'This is morning mist.'

'I've always been nervous about going through these things. I'm afraid I'm gonna step into another dimension.'

'A lot of men wear anklets.' / 'Really?'

George using moisturizer revelation and security reaction

'I must have iron-rich blood.'

George's elaborate bed-making instructions to Lupe

'I like to have my toes pointed up in the air. I just like to scrunch up the blankets.'

The tuck/no-tuck confusion escalation

'Hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault.'

'You shouldn't have tucked.' / 'I like it tucked.' / 'Nobody tucks anymore.'

George meeting and immediately fanboying over Corbin Bernsen

George's cat-killing story to Corbin Bernsen

'I go out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in 15 seconds.'

'You show me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I spring for a new cat.'

George's suggestion about changing L.A. Law setting from bar to community center

We hope he's not the guy. - Couldn't be the guy.

God, I'm starved. I'm weak with hunger. How can you think of food at a time like this? A time like what? I'm hungry. My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted.

The three-hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich. They wouldn't serve me one because they were only serving breakfast. You should've had some eggs. For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch?

Why didn't you say something? I gotta tell you about egg salad?

We need change. All I got is 20s. I have a 10. So break it. I hate asking for change. They make a face. It's like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.

So buy something. What? I don't know. Some mints or Tic Tacs. Breath problem? No. I just want some change. Tell me. Your breath is fine. It's delightful. It's delicious.

Why don't you just call 911? But is this an emergency? Of course it is. How is this an emergency? Your friend has been accused of being a serial killer. I think that qualifies.

What is my name? Who am I? I'm George Costanza. What's the matter? Are you crazy? What are you using my name for?

Your name is a good name. Costanza. Sounds like it stands for something. They'll believe us. Really? Sure. You think so? Oh, yeah.

He's gonna send a black and white to pick us up. Black and white? Cop car. Why didn't you just say that? I thought it sounded cool. Yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy.

Hi. How are you? Guys, listen, do either one of you have a mint, or a piece of gum, or something?

You guys ever shot anybody? No. No. Can I flip on the siren? Why are you bothering them? I'm just asking. All they have to do is say no.

You know what I've never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid, it was always: [mimicking old siren] You know, and now it's: [mimicking new siren]

Why'd they do that? Did they do some research? Did they find out 'woo-woo' is more effective than 'waa'?

Clean as a whistle. You could eat off that shotgun. What is that, a 12-gauge? Yeah. Twelve-gauge. Seems to be the most popular gauge.

Makes the 11-gauge look like a cap pistol.

There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there. What kind? Milano. Cops eating Milanos? What kind of crazy town is this?

What do you tip a chambermaid? I don't know. Five bucks a night. No. A dollar. Two, tops.

Hey, you guys aren't cuffed. What are you, narcs? Narcs. Imagine. Us, narcs.

A dollar a night? Yeah. That's a good tip. That stinks. I read it in Ann Landers. Ann Landers sucks!

Think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home? No, I don't. You'd think when they hand out the checks, they'd throw in a few soaps.

I'll tell you, if I owned a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me on the walls and in their home. Like Lenin.

Oh, my God, I forgot. That's why communism didn't work.

What did they do for toilet paper in the Civil War?

They should have a toilet-paper museum. Would you like that?

The development of the perforation. The first six-pack.

George. All right. All right.

You coach a gymnastics team in high school, and you're married.

Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics? - You're the teacher. It's only natural. - But gymnastics is not for everybody.

Who wouldn't tune in to see a woman with a mustache?

A guy who's just a head.

Look, the show isn't about the circus. It's about watching freaks.

People, they wanna watch freaks. This is a 'can't miss.'

Salsa is now the number-one condiment in America. Do you know why? Because people like to say 'salsa.'

Do you have any salsa? We need more salsa. Where is the salsa? No salsa?

This should be the show. This is the show. - What? - This. Just talking.

It's about nothing. - No story? - No, forget the story. - You gotta have a story. - Who says you gotta have a story?

People are always saying to me, 'You know, you're quite a character.'

We? Since when are you a writer? - What writer? We're talking about a sitcom.

They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties. They're married. They have secretaries!

That's pretty good.

Who are they? - They're nobody. - What about me? - What about you? - Why them? Why not me? - Why not you? - I'm just as good as them. - Better. - You really think so? - No.

La Cocina. Actually, it was off-off Broadway.

No, no, he mimed it. That's what was so funny about it.

I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: Nothing.

Well, why am I watching it? - Because it's on TV. - Not yet.

I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity.

How about this? I manage a circus.

I thought the woman was kind of cute.

We had good eye contact through the whole meeting.

September third. - The third? - The third?

Vomiting is not a deal-breaker. If Hitler had vomited on Chamberlain, he still would have given him Czechoslovakia.

You could hold his head in the toilet, he'd still give you half of Europe.

They wanna buy it! They wanna buy it! What did I tell you?

Ted Danson makes $800,000 an episode. - Would you stop with the Ted Danson?

Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it.

I said... I said, 'Get out of here. No story? Is that what I said?'

Ted Danson makes $800,000 an episode. - Would you stop with the Ted Danson? - Well, he does. - You're nuts.

A dry-cleaning bill for vomiting on her vest

Jerry's the one that left the milk in the refrigerator. Yeah, your milk. He drank it. I didn't know!

A show about nothing

NBC wants to buy it! Oh, what'd I tell you? We're gonna be rich! What are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?

You know how much Ted Danson makes? How are you comparing us to Ted Danson? I didn't say we're Ted Danson. You did, you said we're Ted Danson.

You know, I think he wears a piece. Yeah? Don't worry, he can afford it.

What is it you object to? The comfort? The speed? The convenience?

Why didn't you shave this morning? Because I shaved yesterday in the afternoon. Why? Because of the day before. It's a long story. I can't get back on schedule.

This show will be like a heart attack. Just a huge, massive coronary.

George's backtracking on 'no story' concept with nervous laughter

Business. We're in business. Let's have business. This is business.

George's elaborate lie about lost files from moving company with vow of revenge

I can't believe she took the money. Why? I offered to pay. She should've said no. She did. You insisted.

Thirteen thousand? Apiece? No, for both. That's insulting! Ted Danson makes $800,000 an episode!

Who's he? He's somebody. What about me? You're nobody. Why him? Why not me? He's good. You're not. I'm better than him. You're worse. Much, much worse.

Is Ted Danson's deal standard? / Ted Danson? / You know, the guy from Cheers. / Yeah, I know who he is. / You're not Ted Danson. / I didn't say I was Ted Danson.

Oh, yeah. I'm a writer. I forgot.

You are so, so naive. You know about a few things. You know about comedy... a little bit about relationships, some baseball... but you're so far out of your element here, you're embarrassing yourself.

We got a show about nothing. With no story.

Are you repeating everything? / Are you repeating everything? / Well, George is an idiot. / Well, George...

Federal Express? Of course. That's the oldest trick in the book. It might not be a burglar. It could be a murderer.

So you wanna just abolish all home-package delivery? / Yes, it's dangerous.

It's a tell. You got a tell. / What tell? What's a tell? / When you ask about their relationship and they touch their face... you know it's not going too well.

The higher up on the face you go, the worse the relationship is getting. You know, it's like: Pretty good. Not bad. I gotta get out.

You almost did the nose.

Svenjolly? I did not say, Svenjolly. / George? / Svenjolly.

She's very attractive. - She's okay. - Just okay? - She's nice. - She's better than nice. - She's all right. - She's beautiful. - She's not beautiful.

You could call me 'baldy,' dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me.

You're a comedian. Couldn't you come up with something?

There is a George Bonanza to see you. - Costanza. Costanza. - George Costanza.

Look at this building. What is this? I don't know. It's a building. - The doors are on a diagonal. - So what? It's architecturally incorrect.

Look, stairs in an apartment. All my life I dreamed about... ...having steps in an apartment. Even one step. Sunken living room. Although one step is not all that sunken.

He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go to Marlon Brando's house if I wanted. Of course, I wouldn't. The guy is... Obviously, the guy has his problems.

What time is it? 8:30. I'll tell you what's on. You got... ...Major Dad, Blossom... Very funny program. - Blossom's on Monday. - Are you sure? Look who I'm talking to. The president of NBC.

All right, look. We're people, you and me. Businessmen, colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll do it for the $13,000.

Ten thousand dollars. I'm going below what you wanted to pay.

All right. Good, $8000. Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on the shoes? I love suede. It's so thick and rich. Do you ever rub it against the grain?

All right, 200. That's as high as I can go. I think you're being unreasonable.

What'd you say, it's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?

Well, first of all, Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of all time.

It makes juice, it extracts the pulp and... And then the vitamins. For long life and vitality.

He vomited all over her.

Gee, that's... That's too bad. Yeah. Too bad.

No, no, no. No, no, that's pie country. Yeah. They do a lot of baking up there.

They sell them by the road. Blueberry, blackberry. Blackberry, boysenberry. Boysenberry, huckleberry. Raspberry, strawberry. Strawberry, cranberry. Peach.

A bubble? A bubble? Yes, a bubble.

You can just follow us. Oh, great. Okay, we're going away. I think I'm excited. I'm excited.

I once made it to Kennedy airport from West 81st St. in 15 minutes.

My grandmother died two months early from how I reacted in the hospital. She was getting better. Then I paid her a visit. She saw my face, boom. That was the end of her.

Never seen a kid in a bubble before? Of course I have. Come on. My cousin's in a bubble.

My friend Jeffrey's sister also, bubble, you know... I got a lot of bubble experience. Come on.

That's a joke. The Moors. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. It's the 'Moops.' The correct answer is the Moops.

It doesn't matter. It's Moors. There's no Moops. It's Moops. Moors.

Bubble boy tried to kill me. What? Susan, tell them. It's a long story.

He's a lying snot. He's a cheater, aren't you, little twerp? Moors! Moops!

BICs? What, did you get BICs? What, you got a problem with the pen, now? I like a Rolling Writer. They're smooth.

I'm in my apartment. You come in. - It's beautiful. And what do I say?

What are you, crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin. - What's one thing got to do with another?

I think we got a bite on it.

Oh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot... You're toiling in virtual anonymity.

I'm sucking them down. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah.

I did not know that. Weird. Wild.

Kind of like Superman's Fortress of Solitude. - What? - Superman. He built a Fortress of Solitude up at the North Pole... to, you know, sort of get away from it all.

Well, I'll take a hotel any day.

George? - Burned. - Burned? - There was a fire, and it- Burned. - The cabin burned? - Yeah, burned. Burned?

But, you know, Mr. Ross, if you look at the whole situation... what with it being your cigars and everything... it's really rather ironic. One might even say, in a sense, comical. Really. Think about it.

Yet women have no problem getting the hand off. How do they do that? - I don't know. They're working on a whole other level.

No, I don't know. How do I know the usual? - Typical things. - What's typical? Give me typical.

That's very dirty. That's absolutely filthy.

I'm gonna need some water here.

'The panties your mother laid out for you'? What does that mean? - I don't know. It just popped out.

It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.

Yeah. He went into the bedroom and started sobbing.

What do you got? - I got, you enter, you go, 'Hi.' And I go, 'Hello.'

How about this: I say, 'How's it going?' - 'How's it going?' Beautiful.

Well, we really should be heading out. Jerry hates to miss the coming attractions. - Yeah, and because of the time. - Yeah. Time is what he's indicating there.

My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee. Never went, 'Ha.'

- A smirk? - Maybe.

Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

Maybe you should take a civil-service test. - I'm not taking a civil-service test.

You want me to be a mailman?

I do know that I have some kind of a talent, something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet.

It's just that I'm here with my parents... and my mother wants me to take a civil-service test... and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.

The knuckles are all out of proportion. You got hair there. Where do you get off comparing your hands to mine?

This is a one-in-a-million hand. That's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.

You could've damaged my hands! - What? It's just a toy.

You can look at them, but do not touch them.

It's all I could find.

Don't hand them to me with the point facing out! - I'm sorry. - You're sorry?

Stress is very damaging to the epidermis. I have an important photo session in the morning. My hands have got to be in tiptop shape.

You don't have to worry about me. I won a contest.

- You ready? - Yeah. - Hot, hot.

I think you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now... About six years ago

Women like skiers. So what? You can't meet anybody. You're with Susan.

Closet business? What's the closet business? What is it your business?

What do I need more closet space for?

George. Jerry, Marla. Stacy. Stacy. George, Stacy. Jerry. Stacy. George. George. Jerry, Marla. Stacy.

I was watching it on CNN and they covered it so well, I thought, why knock my brains out?

Some people write symphonies. This is my gift.

Is there any Tampax in your house? Yeah. You got a girlfriend.

Once you can get girlfriends, you just want more girlfriends.

He works at NBC. I work at NBC... They fall madly in love and she dumps me for David Letterman.

So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler.

All you saved was the pea pods?

One bad impression, you're out of the business!

She was laughing and then they shot her! They shoot you for laughing!

Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star.

Those collars are funny. You see somebody in one of those, you start laughing immediately.

Next time I should probably break the Prozacs in half.

Finally, my stupidity pays off!

Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.

My mother caught me.

First she screams, 'George, what are you doing? My God!'

I didn't know whether to keep her from falling or zip up.

What did you do? - I zipped up. - So she fell? - Yeah.

Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was.

She's in traction.

All she said on the way over in the car was, 'Why, George, why?' I said, 'Because it's there.'

I am never doing that again. - What? You mean in your mother's house or altogether? - Altogether.

You don't think I can? - No chance. - You think you could? - I could hold out longer than you.

You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist... - Yeah...? - Whatever.

Any progress there? What's the latest? - I got my troops amassed along the border. I'm waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

Let me ask you, in these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room? - I would imagine it's all naked. - Are the chambermaids naked too? - They're naked. The gardener's naked. Bellhops. It's one big nude-o-rama.

So, George... what are you doing now? I hear you got some kind of television writing thing. - Yeah. Television. - Let me help you off with that. Here, just slip it over your head.

The nurse was giving her a sponge bath? - Every night at 6:30. The nurse was gorgeous. Then I got a look at the patient. I was going nuts.

But are you still master of your domain? - I am king of the county. - You? - Lord of the manor.

You got it, Ma. - A little later. - Could you go now, Georgie? I'm very hungry. I'm weak. - Wait a while. What's the difference?

But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over! - Ten minutes. Here. Have some Tic Tacs.

Hang on, Ma. Hang on.

You caved? - It's over? - You're out? - Oh, my God. The queen is dead.

He left with Marla, the virgin? - Yeah. - They drove away? - Yeah, drove away. - You know, I said hello to him. He's- - Oh, my God in heaven.

Is that...? Kramer? - He's waving.

I confused it with another awning.

I cannot express to you the feeling I get from a perfect pickup.

This is a suicide mission! I had it perfectly timed out.

Duty-free is the biggest sucker deal in retail. You know how much duty is? Duty's nothing. It's like sales tax.

Look at you. You run like a girl. Come on. Run like a man. Lift your knees.

Do I still get credit for the pickup? I was here.

Kramer, you cannot abandon people in an airport pickup. It's a binding social contract. We must go forward. Not back.

Use this one. I get frequent flyer miles with every purchase. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Get two tickets. You're returning it anyway, what's the difference? I'll get double the bonus miles.

Supersavers? Are they refundable? You bought nonrefundable tickets. You idiot.

I loved her, Jerry. I loved her. / No, you didn't.

I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear 'cause I'm too lazy to do a laundry.

Yeah. What do you do when you run out of laundry? / I do a wash.

I would give anything to be going up those stairs again.

I'm not going to see that nut doctor she went to Europe with.

My darling Susan. / My darling! / What are you doing? / Date with Fred. / The religious guy? / He's not that religious. / Let us pray.

Say, she was clever. You know? She put her picture on her card. I should do that. I never do anything like that. / You want a picture on a Christmas card? I can do that.

She kept such a nice, clean apartment. She was so sanitary. / No. I was just thinking out loud. I don't want my picture on a card. / No, no, I'll take your picture. I'll take care of everything.

I don't know about that outfit, though. / Why, what's wrong with it? / Well, we'll have to improvise.

What's with this thing? / So, uh, she broke up with you... / Yeah, and... / Why won't this go down?

George. George, look at me. / Okay. Forget about the zipper. / [SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER]

If you were going out with somebody, and she did that, what would you do? Would you continue going out with her? / No, that's disgusting.

Hey, how come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.

I promise difference. I'm committed to difference.

I take these glasses off, you can't tell the difference between me and a rock! I put these glasses on a rock, you know what jumps into most people's minds? 'Costanza!'

Two weeks ago, I tried a soft-boiled egg. Never liked it before. Now, I'm dunking a piece of toast in there and I'm loving it!

You think Louis Pasteur and his wife had anything in common? He was in the fields all day with the cows, you know, and the milk, examining the milk, delving into milk, consumed with milk, pasteurization, homogenization.

And she was in the kitchen killing cockroaches with a boot on each hand.

Because there was a lot of cake lying around the house, just sitting there with all the excess milk from all the experiments.

And then it hits me like a bolt of lightning: The pick.

She comes out of the bathroom, I'm in up to my wrist.

When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed... and that tear started to roll down his cheek, I lost it.

I want to see this movie on a big screen. That's a twin theater. I want to see this movie on a big screen.

No, it's not a theater. It's a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films.

Well, how's that easier? I mean, then you would owe me $12.50 instead of me owing you $7.50. Either way. Yeah, it's the same thing.

Tell you what. Give me the 20, I'll buy you a popcorn and soda and I'll throw in a bonbons. George, you're sapping my strength.

Give me a break! Elaine? Jerry. Elaine. Shut up. Jerry? George? Elaine? George.

Hey, by the way, you owe me $7.50. But I didn't even use the ticket. I still paid for it.

You took my seat? You owe me $7.50. Yeah. Right. What is this stain? It's yellow mustard. Can you break a 20?

When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed...and that tear started to roll down his cheek, I lost it.

When I asked you before if you had a ticket, you said no. - I didn't. My friend was getting it. - That's good. It's good to be accurate.

Or I could take the 20, and I could pay you later. - Yeah, you could. - Might be easier. - Well, how's that easier? I mean, then you would owe me $12.50...instead of me owing you $7.50.

You see a guy who's about 5 foot 11...he's got a big head and flared nostrils...tell him his friend's gonna be right back, okay?

Give me a break! - Elaine? - Jerry. - Elaine. - Shut up. - Jerry? - George? - Elaine? - George.

But I didn't even use the ticket. - I still paid for it.

You took my seat? - You owe me $7.50. - Yeah. Right.

I don't wanna live! I don't wanna live! Because of me? You must be joking. Who wouldn't wanna live because of me?

You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me.

I'm no good. You're good. You're good. I'm bad. I'm bad. You're killing me!

Over you? Well...

Oh, what are you gonna get Jerry for his birthday? I got him a great gift. Really? What? I got two tickets to see Guys and Dolls. Oh, that is a good gift. Maybe he'll take me. No, I'm gonna go with him.

Never even seen you? Gotta kind of envy that.

You know, you've been developing quite the acid tongue lately. Really?

Who do you think is the most unattractive world leader? Living or all-time? All-time. If it's all-time, there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev.

I don't know. Did you ever get a good look at De Gaulle? Lyndon Johnson was uglier than De Gaulle. I got news for you. Golda Meir could make them all run up a tree.

Golda Meir. Good one, babe.

You know just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean, you should come out of the closet and be openly gay already.

You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love. What's the matter with you? Come on. Go along. I'm not going along.

People think I'm gay. Yeah, people ask me that about you too. Yeah, because I'm single, I'm thin, and I'm neat. And you get along well with women. I guess that leaves me in the clear.

Jerry, did you wash this pear? Yeah, I washed it. It looks like it hasn't been washed. So wash it. You hear the way he talks to me?

Actually, it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. And I kept slipping and burning my thighs. And then finally I slipped, and I fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since.

Do you guys live together? Live together? No, I got my own place.

Oh, and do your parents know? Know what? My parents? They don't know what's going on.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. No, of course not. It's fine, if that's who you are. Absolutely. I mean, I have many gay friends. My father's gay.

Happy birthday. 'Faruba!' Today's not my birthday. Well, I beg to differ. Well, I think I know when my birthday is. Yeah, well, you'd think so, but you'd be wrong.

Guys and Dolls? Isn't that a lavish Broadway musical? It's Guys and Dolls, not Guys and Guys.

Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his longtime companion seem to be inseparable. Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor pad, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of fruit like an old married couple.

I'm out, baby! I'm out!

I'm gay. I'm a gay man. I'm very, very gay. Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.

Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing? What? You're with a woman! I know. What are you doing here? I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do? I trusted you!

You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me.

Over you? - Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable?

Gotta kind of envy that. - You know, you've been developing quite the acid tongue lately.

Yeah, because I'm single, I'm thin, and I'm neat. - And you get along well with women. - I guess that leaves me in the clear.

How you gonna get out of that one? - I don't know. I guess I have to wait for her to die.

Jerry, did you wash this pear? - Yeah, I washed it. - It looks like it hasn't been washed. - So wash it.

You hear the way he talks to me?

Actually, we met in a gym locker room. - Yeah. - Actually, it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me.

And I kept slipping and burning my thighs. And then finally I slipped, and I fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since.

Do your parents know? - Know what? - My parents? They don't know what's going on.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. - Not at all.

Guys and Dolls? Isn't that a lavish Broadway musical?

Oh, my God. Ma?

I'm out, baby! I'm out!

I'm gay. I'm a gay man. I'm very, very gay. Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.

I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do? I trusted you!

My name's Buck Naked. I'm a porno actor.

When I like them, they don't like me. When they like me, I don't like them.

Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English. Yeah, how about a mute?

This is what my life has come to: Trying to meet a mute.

There's a void, Jerry. There's a void. A deep, yawning chasm.

What gives you pleasure? Listening to you. I listen to this for 15 minutes, I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.

You think we'll make it to that age? We? No.

Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody? Sometimes.

You're really... kind of pushing the envelope there.

Imagine how much I'll be thinking about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinking about it till it drives me insane.

It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for God's sake.

But, Mr. Cantwell, you owe me for the soup.

I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter. My grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up.

Looked like a football.

Well, are you gonna see her again? We were getting along real good and then she made some tea. Put some milk in it without asking me. Now, that's a turnoff.

I'll shout.

In the whole world right now there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think on this planet that you're one of those three?

All right, maybe four.

I put them on a dental chair.

You're a funny guy. Never heard that before.

Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise, what's the point of being the boyfriend. This is where you have to be when you're the boyfriend.

Comfort schmomfort.

Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't dip that way.

A picture of me next to the coffin.

You make money without doing anything. I have some friends that try and base their whole life on that principle. Really? Who? Nobody you know.

If I watch it at my apartment, I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house, I'm doing something.

Oh, the triangle guy.

You're crying from Home Alone? The old man got to me.

It's Clara Nightingale Syndrome. He falls ill, she falls in love. You mean Florence Nightingale. What did I say, 'Clara'? You must have meant Clara Barton.

Clara Barton? What did she do? I'm not sure, but I think she was nice.

Susan B. Anthony I think I'd have a problem with. Yeah, I think you would.

Now, let's try 'breast.' Celeste. Kest. No. Rest. Sest. Hest? That's not a name.

Aretha. No. Bovary.

Well, what did they do? They sealed him up with the mint inside. They left the Junior Mint in him? Yes.

Well, I... I guess it can't hurt him. People eat pounds of those things. Yes, they eat them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity.

Why'd you force that mint on me? I didn't want the mint! What? I didn't believe you. How could you not? Well, who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint. It's delicious. That's true. It's very refreshing.

You know, if the guy dies... the art could really be worth something.

Hi. Hi, I'm George. Nice to meet you, George. Yeah. I gave it a shot.

He's gonna be okay. Where's the luck? There's no luck. Nineteen hundred dollars down the drain.

Hey, what do you know? Look at that. A lesbian sighting. My lucky day.

They're so fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that.

Oh, boy. [George's reaction to seeing Susan with a woman]

Come on, that's great. Are you kidding? I think that's fantastic. I've always encouraged experimentation. I'm the first guy in the pool.

Since you and I broke up. - So after me, you... went that way?

It's not even frontal nudity. It's 'sidal' nudity.

You didn't rewind it. There's a $2 charge for not rewinding. - But there's no signs here. - This is an outrage.

I'm not giving you the satisfaction. I'm gonna watch it again.

You stink. - What do you mean, I stink? - You stink.

So let me ask you, do you think I could've done this? - No, no. It's the valet guy. - No, no. I mean, driven Susan to lesbianism.

Oh, this isn't even BO. This is beyond BO. It's BBO.

There should be a BO squad that patrols the city... to sniff them out, strip them down and wash them with a soapy brush.

The funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now. Like, if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out... I never would've broken up with her.

Someone stole Rochelle, Rochelle? - Well, you left the window open. - We had to air out the car.

The O went from the valet's B to the car to me.

It clings to everything. Jerry thinks it's an entity.

But I showered, and I shampooed. So... - That's a relief. - Yeah. - What? - It's still there.

I need, like, 35. Thanks. - So was it me? - Oh, don't be ridiculous. Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?

Let me ask you something: If you and Mona were ever to dance... how do you decide who leads? I mean, do you take turns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work?

You're an idiot. - Why? That's a legitimate sociological question.

Oh, and George, by the way... you stink. You need a bath. - It's not me! It's the car!

Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings them back.

You happen to be a very eligible lesbian.

So, what do you want to do? - Sauce me.

Don't like the Drake? - Hate the Drake. - I love the Drake. - How could you not like the Drake? - Who's the Drake?

Elaine, look. I drew this triangle freehand. It's a doodle. It's perfect.

I'm lukewarm about the Drakette.

Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks.

You got a veggieburger, so I got one. It's like eating a loaf of crumbs.

It's not like we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying.

Must have been a rich, spoiled handicapped person... who didn't want to do any work. Just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy.

They had swastikas all over it. They were hurling racial epithets at us.

Jerry's car gets hit and the other driver doesn't have any insurance... so the judge sentences him to be Jerry's butler.

Wheelchairs. Engagement presents. It never ends!

This is like you're almost glad to be handicapped.

Hell of a picture on this thing. - Crystal clear.

Oh, yeah.

Once there's no theirs, there's no hers. It should be ours.

She gave it to charity. - Charity? That's appalling. How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate.

I agreed to become his butler.

God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'll never let me be happy. / I thought you didn't believe in God. / I do for the bad things.

What kind of a therapist are you? I'm paying you, I'm scared that something terrible's gonna happen to me, right away, you start looking for tumors?

I bet you're rooting for a tumor.

If I don't go to the doctor, nothing will happen. If I go, he might find something.

Anyone call for Vandelay Industries? / No, why? / Listen to me. I told the unemployment office I was close to a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So when you answer the phone now, you've got to say, 'Vandelay Industries.' / Right! / I'm Vandelay Industries? / You're in latex.

A man gave me a...massage. / So? / Uh, well, he, uh... He had his hands, you know, and, uh, he was, uh... / He was what? / Well, he was, you know... touching and rubbing. / That's a massage. / I think it moved.

What happened to the raisins? Yeah, there was a box of raisins there. Did he just steal the raisins? Do you think he stole them?

Let me ask you this. When she comes over, you cleaning up a lot? Yeah. Straightening up or cleaning? Cleaning. You do the tub? Yeah. On your knees, Ajax, hands, scrubbing, the whole deal? Yeah. Okay. I think you're in love.

I don't know. Last time I got the tap.

It's like, 'All right, that's enough. You're through.' The tap is tough. It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball.

Have you ever, you know, faked it? Yeah, sometimes. Really, like when? If we went to a Broadway show, if we had really good seats.

I tried everything. I was talking to him. 'Please wake up. Do something.' They're mysterious little fellows, aren't they?

I'm back, baby! I'm back!

You don't think I bought all that. Bought what? No, you're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations.

Come on. With the, 'Oh, George. Oh, George!' Come on.

My father wears his sneakers in the pool. Sneakers.

My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water.

Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee. Never went, 'Ha.'

- A smirk? - Maybe.

No, no, no. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

Yeah, I'll move in with him. He doesn't let you use the toilet.

Maybe you should take a civil-service test. - I'm not taking a civil-service test.

You want me to be a mailman?

I do know that I have some kind of a talent, something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet.

It's just that I'm here with my parents and my mother wants me to take a civil-service test and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.

Your hands. - What about them? They're quite exquisite.

What, are you kidding? The knuckles are all out of proportion. You got hair there. Where do you get off comparing your hands to mine?

This is a one-in-a-million hand. That's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.

You could've damaged my hands! - What? It's just a toy.

You can look at them, but do not touch them.

It's all I could find.

Don't hand them to me with the point facing out!

All right, please. Please, I cannot have this constant bickering. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis.

I have an important photo session in the morning. My hands have got to be in tiptop shape.

You don't have to worry about me. I won a contest.

They said I had the most beautiful hands they ever saw except for this McKigney guy. This girl gave me her number. I got it all. I'm busting. Jerry, I'm busting.

Hot, hot. - I'm sorry. - McKigney had a few good years.

My father wears his sneakers in the pool. Sneakers.

My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee. Never went, 'Ha.'

A smirk? Maybe.

Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

He doesn't let you use the toilet.

You ever seen a silver dollar? / Yes, I've seen a silver dollar.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry. Look what you've done. You've spilled my bag.

Your hands. / What about them? / They're quite exquisite.

What, are you kidding? The knuckles are all out of proportion. You got hair there. Where do you get off comparing your hands to mine?

This is a one-in-a-million hand. That's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.

Are you crazy?! Are you crazy?! You could've damaged my hands! / What? It's just a toy.

You can look at them, but do not touch them.

Oven mitts? / It's all I could find.

No, you never said milky white. / I said milky white!

Don't hand them to me with the point facing out! / I'm sorry. / You're sorry?

I cannot have this constant bickering. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis.

Ray McKigney. / Ray. / He was it. / The most exquisite hands you've ever seen. Oh, he had it all.

I won a contest.

Nice shirt. / What is this? Is this what you wore on the show? / Have you completely lost your mind? / Who's dressing you? You look like a complete idiot.

Hot, hot. / I'm sorry. / McKigney had a few good years.

Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material, come on.

Barry's sniffing behavior and everyone's reaction to it

Don't forget to wash your hands before supper.

This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup just so I could have as much as I want.

They're made from Lycra spandex. - Get out of here. Lycra spandex?

I know the D is the biggest. I base my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.

Cups in front, loops in back.

He went to South America.

So because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent?

You gonna put on phony beards and dress up like Arab sheiks and sit around in some hotel room?

I feel Tuesday and Wednesday.

No, no, I don't like it. - What do you mean, you don't like it? - How could you not like it? - I like the thick tape.

And from the first time I laid eyes on a brassiere, I was enthralled.

I picked it up. I studied it. I thought: 'I like this.' I didn't know in what way or on what level, but I knew I wanted to be around brassieres.

Well, they're more than just underwear to me, Mr. Farkus.

Two cups in the front, two loops in the back, how do they do it?

If you don't mind, sir, I'll be here at 8.

Suck, suck, suck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Look at that, Jerry, look at that. -Yeah, I looked. I saw it.

-So how long do they do this? -Year or two. No break? -After that comes the weaning. -After sucking comes weaning? -First sucking, then weaning. -You gotta wean. -Gotta wean. -Must wean.

You open the door to the car... you walk right into the hospital. You can't beat that spot.