Ryan Howard

You, uh, you should have put him in 'custardy.'

I bring my own water to work.

But I'm getting paid to skip lunch right? Yes. Yes, this is business. The business of team building and moral boosting.

I stretched before I came.

What am I going to do with the award? Nothing, I don't know what I'm gonna do. That's the least of my concerns right now.

50 signs your priest might be Michael Jackson

What has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom? This guy!

Ryan's deadpan reaction to Michael's crude joke

So... oh breakfast I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. Yummy yummy ! thank you Ryan.

Healtheir, gotta watch those carbs.

Why is that secret? / Hello. Oh, God. Busy work. Ah, get away, get away. Cretin.

That's the problem with being a boss, is that when you are tough, they resent you, and when you are cool, they walk all over you. / Catch-22. / Catch-22, yes.

This is Michael Jackson, calling from Wonderland. / You mean Neverland? / This is Tito.

My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. / You know what the F stands for? / Fudge?

Well, if you do anything crazy, give me a shout. / Yeah. Alright, I will, see you Monday.

What line of work are you in, Bob?

I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that? / No, this is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're going to learn plenty. This is going to turn your life around, Ryan. / I'm already in business school.

I'd like to be engaged. / How did you manage to pull that off?

Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save? / Let's see... the customer. Cause the customer is king. / Not what I was looking for, but a good thought. / He's just sucking up.

Ryan's terrible pickup line 'you're sweeter than candy'

Ryan's aspirin-in-pudding trick compared to dog medicine

If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too.

I don't know. It depends if you like a little junk in...

I hooked up with her on February 13th.

Soda. Cool.

Office football chaos with everyone demanding the ball from each other

Actually, I don't see ever getting married.

Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you, and comments like that... I know what I said.

Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun. And I'm learning that fun for Kelly is getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me.

Ryan, you are so dorky. Give me your number so I can text you. Can I have your email address?

Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you. Who is this guy again? Don't worry about Phil. He drives a Corvette. He's doing just fine.

These things sell themselves. Who uses calling cards anymore?

It sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme. Yes, thank you. You will get rich quick. We all will.

You're totally harshing the office mellow.

One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.

Which means, at my ten-year high school reunion, it will not say, 'Ryan Howard is a temp.' 'Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm.'

That'll show'em.

Michael offering to get Ryan a pencil from the warehouse when pencils are clearly available in the office

Extremely excited? Just very. That's cool.

I don't think you know what you're saying.

Ryan's sarcastic recounting of Dwight's mentorship

Look, man. I was in a frat in college. So I know what you're doing. I get it.

Depression? Wrong. He hated himself.

Loneliness. Maybe women.

You're a freak. I'm not doing this anymore and this is over.

Ryan the Temp vandalism sequence

I think about that all the time.

Nice dress, Ryan. It's not a dress. It's a kurta. Okay.

Oops, sorry. I started biking to work. Josh does it. And he lives a lot farther away than I do.

Nice basket. Thank you.

So...you're Kelly's sisters, huh? What? Rupa, Neepa, Tiffani. Stop acting like such little losers, and just be cool.

They said something about Zach Braff.

Well, I was a temp, but I got promoted. So, the compensation is a lot more competitive. So you're saving money now to start a family and home? Oh, or travel. And, and buy an Xbox.

Hey, can I have a ride, man? I, uh, I have my bike. No way, dude. I am not driving home. I brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it, though. It's a roomy twin.

I think it's for the best.

I just don't want it to be weird. You know? I mean, I took his old job and his old desk. Yeah, yeah, that might be weird.

What is that, like, five pounds? It's two and half. I'm not going for bulk. I'm going for tone.

Yo, Michael. Sweet ride, Mike.

Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts, granddad fought in WWII. Use your head, man. I keep mine in here.

Everyone spotting Jan and Michael's panicked 'German woman named Urgle Grue' excuse

I was his second choice, after 'pass'.

Um... Hi. Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us?

Do you want to pull a prank on Andy? Not right now. But ask me again ten years ago.

I liked you better as the temp. Me too.

'Is she hot?' Text back, 'Kind of.'

God, I need a boyfriend. You know, Ryan, I'm... I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever.

Ryan's increasingly elaborate titles: 'visiting professor' to 'Special lecturer emeritus' to finally 'quest speaker'

Ryan's confession about bringing boss for automatic grade bump

Ryan's harsh critique of Dunder-Mifflin while Michael can't hear but watches excitedly

Ryan introducing Michael as 'Michael Scoot' instead of 'Scott'

Kelly's extreme reaction to Ryan's punishment: repeated 'Oh, my God' and 'I won't, I won't, I won't'

Ryan describing Netflix queue management in elaborate detail while others time him

Hey, check it out, there's a castle over there. / Oh, my God, there is a castle. / No. There's nothing to see over there, people. There's nothing to see.

Phyllis, you say? Hmm. What is so funny? Um... I mean, did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind? I'm guessing not.

Come on, mush! Mush! Come on, you bastard! What the... Damn it, temp!

Last year Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top.

Well, if you're going to reduce my identity to my religion, then I'm Sikh. But I also like hip-hop and NPR, and I'm restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time.

I'd like your respect. I'm your boss now. You're gonna have to treat me the same way you treated Jan. So... That's a little kinky. I don't swing that way.

But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a sales person. You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week.

You need to prepare yourself.

I am dating a lot of guys. Good. A lot. Black guys, mostly. What?

Six months ago, Karen Filippelli sent me an email asking me out. I said no because I was committed to our relationship. Well, I hope you're still committed, because I'm pregnant. And guess what buddy? I am keeping it.

So, elephant in the room, I have your old job. Well, not exactly... my job. A different title. Oh, well, excuse me. Same office. Same responsibilities. Different salary.

Creed? Yes, sir? Everything okay? Everything's cool, dude. I'm 30. Well, in november, I'll be 30.

Did you know... that the age discrimination and employment act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees 40 years of age or older? I did.

I don't understand what the big deal is. You lied about being pregnant. Right, so? You really don't understand why that makes me angry? No.

Hey, brah. Been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull. Am I right? Later, skater.

Next night, I'm out at a bar, 2:00 AM. I figure I'll get a sandwich. 'Cause you can get a sandwich any time of the night. I run into Vince Vaughn. No way. Literally. Dude, you are so money. But you dot even know it. But you do.

Do you wanna go out to dinner tonight? Oh, is it... Wear something nice. No. What? I just... wanted to have dinner. I'm sorry. I'm dating Jim.

Buying paper just became fun.

I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer. So take that, asshole. Always a jokester.

Ryan: 'It's whomever, not whoever.' Michael: 'No, whomever is never actually right.' Kevin: 'Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.'

Look, at the end of the day, Apple's apple is flying at 30,000 feet. This is a paper company, and I don't want us to get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest. Convergence, viral marketing, we're going guerilla, we're taking it the streets, while keeping an eye on the street, Wall Street. I don't want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words, it is what it is.

If the website had been working.

Watch your back, Jim. I'm just kidding.

Yes, the social networking feature of the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators.

Thanks a lot, guys! Good job! Later.

Why don't you take your clothes off? No!

Does this work for you? Yep.

People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at, like ice-skating. He is a very good ice-skater.

When I was a kid, my parents got divorced. They both wanted custody and they both asked me to testify against the other one in court. So, I don't know. I didn't want them to get divorced in the first place, you know? I love them both so much. I just wanted...

If I had somebody to set you up with, Michael, then I'd take her for myself.

Are you still on good terms with any of her friends? Not anymore. It's a bitter situation.

All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of diet coke. / Really? / Yeah. / 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday.

I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me, and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months, I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico. / That wasn't a tapeworm.

I'm keeping a list of everyone who wrongs me, so when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list.

I've even started, um, volunteering. Giving back to the community. / That's great. / You're talking about your court-ordered community service? / I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean. / But he did, right?

I wanted to say I'm sorry for treating you bad the past couple of years. I-- I was in my mid-twenties, and... I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never really processed 9/11.

Shaved off my goatee. I am goatee-less. We are the goat-less brothers. / Yeah, yep!

I went zip-lining my third day in Costa Rica. I... Guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And... I've been in the hospital five weeks now. Still haven't seen the beach.

Even though it was an amazing ride and I'll give an example. Anyone see Survivor, Season Six? In New York City, I hooked up with a girl who looked exactly like that.

Her America's Got Talent finale party over the summer. That's crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there. You were there. I remember you being there. I wasn't, but thank you.

I realized that, for whatever reason, I just couldn't do better than Kelly.

Get off your high horse, richy. / Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich. / Nah. They're rich.

Are you inching away from me? / No. / Reach your arms out. / I'm always this close.

I'm not going to punch you, Michael. / Are you really not going to punch him? / No, why would I punch you? / Son of a bitch.

I guess that's why we have a temp, huh? / Oh, no, trust me. I would just make it worse. / How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse? / I would find a way.

Let's have sex one more time, and if you have any extra cash, that would be amazing. / Okay.

Hi, Kelly. Screw you. Excuse me. Screw you, too. You forgot her birthday.

Juvie.

I'm a textbook over-thinker.

Like that? No. Stop it.

Nacho chips. I was thinking about how the skin is the largest organ of the body.

Nice. Boobs.

Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're, like, how much time is left on this flight? You know. Now what?

She'd probably be a six in new york, but she's,like,a ven here in scranton.

That is so insulting. How is it insulting to say that you're good at something? Because the thing that you're saying i'm good at is pushing a big green button a bunch of times.

I could run gm,but I couldn't fix a car. It's not saying that one is better than the other.

That's me and my friend jasmine,from thailand. I don't want to look at your friend jasmine's boobs all day.

You could be hot too if you made any effort aall. Like how? Dying my hair blonde? This is from the sun.

One,two,three,what are we gonna do? Cner idea. No,you're supposed to say rock the house! How would we know that?

Pam,that's my corner. I thought that was your corner. No,this is where I work. I can't relax in the same corner where I work. So my corner's the one with the copier?

It's for your trouble. I don't need $6 to help a friend. No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have it.

But don't forget, you owe me $10. That was four years ago. Why don't you let it go?

I'm not gonna do that. That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan? I can get there.

U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly. Your mama say you ugly, hey! Go Michael Scott Paper Company!

I'm here. I'm part of this now.

Come on. No, I promise I won't do it again. Come on.

Ever since I've gotten clean, there's something about fresh morning air... that just really makes me sick.

You know what we need? We need some couches. We should really consider getting a delivery guy. You know what you would love? It's if we built a loft.

Why would I love that? - Can we afford a delivery guy? - Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top. - I know what a loft is. - Most dorm rooms don't even have that. - Most do in the magazines.

Why don't you explain what that is... So they can under... - Explain what that is. - Explain what you think that is. - Just explain.

Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again. - It's a program. There's no such... - Just crunch 'em, please. Crunch. Did it help?

Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died? - Steve Martin's not dead. - I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. And I was wrong. It's this.

I never went to Thailand. Really? I went to Fort Lauderdale. Was it nice? Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great pad thai place, though. I love pad thai. You never had pad thai.

Seriously? - Are you being serious? - He's bluffing. What you don't understand is that this company's worthl... We don't have...

How could you do this to me? You just cost me $60,000.

Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish? I would rather have $60,000, honestly.

I don't do lunch. I'm doing five small meals a day now. Now that I'm back to doing the job of a temp again, I find that food is one thing I can control.

You know what I want to do today? I want to marry you. I had just woken up. I didn't look cute.

You want her to set you up so you can spike it. I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis. She's the best setter on the team.

I am better than this.

I once had a glass of cognac that cost $77, so...

John Gotti, you idiot. It's a completely different name. - So he won't get caught. - It's pretty close. What mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti? It weakens it.

John Gotti, you idiot. It's a completely different name. What mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti? It weakens it.

Do you think that I should get a fedora? I don't think so, no. Why? I think I'd look really hot in one.

You're so cool. This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas.

Oh! Where did you get that hat? I'd rather not say.

I've always found beauty in uncommon places. Homeless people, graffiti.

That, that's bigger than my bed.

Doesn't seem like there's much of a point if the company's going under. But if the company doesn't go under, then we'll finally have all our contacts in one program. Company's probably going under, though.

Who... How did you... Who told you this? We can't say. Ryan. Sorry. I'm plastered.

I'm such a perfectionist that I'd kind of rather not do it at all than do a crappy version.

Visual gag: Jim putting Ryan in the annex closet as his 'new office'

Is there Internet?

That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life. / Well, suggest something else then, don't just-- / He's supposed to cut his leg off? / Don't just criticize my idea! / Think! / You think of something then!

I just gotta stick with one of them, you know? I'm looking forward to this plot making me a better person.

Like Frodo. / Why don't you just let me handle the Tolkien references, okay, dumb jock? / Well, I think he can be corrupted, like Gollum. / Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum.

I can't help but think that something we did made this possible. / Jim dug his own grave, but maybe we provided the shovel.

Why not? / No, because martini bars are pretentious! No, thank you. / I'm sorry that I don't want farm boy swill like you do, you know? / It is not farm boy swill. I will show you. It is beet vodka, and it is delicious.

This girls was really rude to me at the mall. So I created a fake I.M. Account From a hot guy at her high school, And now I'm trying to make her anorexic. Tell her everyone in home room thinks she's fat. Oh, that is so good.

Do you think you're treated differently Because of your race? Would you ask that same question if I was white? We're so in. 'we'? When I become executive, I'm gonna make ryan manager.

Some diner? It was the starlight diner. It's, it's in a life magazine spread About americana.

Michael, nice tie or something.

You know what? I think you're attractive and I want to sleep with you. What about Kelly? You read my mind.

I spend the whole day talking. I mean, I video chat, I skype, I text, I tweet, I phone, I woof. Woof is a site that I'm launching to be the last word in social networking. For just $12.99 a month, Woof links up all your communication portals, so you are always within reach. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it.

I just sent myself a woof. Ryan, you have a woof on line one. Thank you, Erin. Woof!

All you need is one scapegoat. Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl. That's just what we need, another black man in prison, you know?

For all their generosity of spirit, They password-protect their wireless? Try Jesus. Opus Dei.

Teach for America girls are way hotter, But they're nuts.

I think it's really cool, Michael. I wish I had a job that I could just leave.

Looks like your little documentary finally found its star.

We already have a buyer. / Really? Who? / Washington University.

No, no. Oscar, it's not--it's not a digital rape whistle.

WUPHF condoms! 50,000 condoms out of the sky. / Look at that! He threw 'em on the ground!

My aunt and uncle have a house in the Poconos. I can borrow it... Just go up there, shut myself away-- No TV, no WUPHF-- Just, like, play a video game.

You and me on a private plane flown by our private pilot... / Yeah, well, we never even have dinner now, so...

Consider it a WUPHF in person.

Oh, my God, I've been playing zombie soccer for two hours?

'Learn to cook for one.' Yeah, I love cooking. But I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare.

Well, maybe you'll meet someone. No, some people just don't meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.

How's your fart project coming? That's real, real classy, Kevin.

'Hey, what book is that?' 'Cool, let's hang out tonight.' 'Sex already? Whoa.'

Oh, my resolution was to get more attention. Nope, she's lying.

Ryan's timeshare scam story leading to lonely Boise weekend

Ryan's commitment paralysis - won't commit to doing or not doing

'And if I flake, I flake'

Kelly crashing Ryan's introduction as 'the business bitch'

That's not a relevant detail.

No, with the messed up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.

No. No, Oscar. Not until everyone can.

This actually isn't amicable at all, and we actually do need people to take sides. Who's on my side? And who is on my side?

You wanted to have sex in my office. No. Definitely not. That's disgusting.

Text me when you're finished. I'll be out here.

Thanks, Mom.

Right. This isn't the U.S. government. What are you referencing? Everything. Everything.

Are you proposing? Maybe. Would you light it? Do the honors, please? Yeah, no problem.

My mom makes the best pesto in the world. And I always tell her, 'mom, you should sell this. You'd make a fortune.' And she always says, 'no, it's just for family.' Well, finally, I was like, 'f*** it, I'll sell it.'

Pesto party? Really? Anyway, she makes, like, 100 bottles' worth. It's so good. And phyllis just had that 'mom' look I wanted.

You got this kosher certified? No, I meant like, 'it's cool.'

Ryan, you have such an interesting mind. So creative. All these new business ideas and artistic projects. Thank you. What you got there? Oh, it's just stanley's old photo album. I was thinking about throwing it in the garbage. I mean, why would I want some random black man's old photo album sitting on my bookshelf? I'm not james franco.

Get this. Kevin thought I was gonna sell my bowflex for $200, and I told him, 'dude, this was a prop in my movie.'

I love when people say 'like crack' who've obviously never done crack.

The breadsticks are like scrapbooking.

No, I'm a middle-class fraud.

Why don't you ask my therapist? My mom certainly pays her enough.

How do I feel about not winning Hottest in the Office this year? Um, I'm very relieved. How do you judge something like... What is his criteria, even? It's so subjective.

So, to make things simpler for Deangelo, I just, without lying, strongly implied that I'm Kelly's supervisor.

Yeah, but you lie all the time. You lie for no reason. Ryan, you just like to lie. I'd die for you, too.

I did not see Rango.

I'd like to make a toast to the troops. Here here. Yes. All the troops. Both sides.

What are you, some kind of Jamaican zombie woman? / Whoopi Goldberg. / Has no one here heard of Kerrigan? From Starcraft? Queen of blades?

Every time you buy a Big Mac, yet set one ingredient aside. Then, at the end of the week, you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more, because you made it with your own hands.

It's actually Ryan... Oh, Ryan. Yeah... Bitch

I was watching a movie and Meryl Streep had two secretaries... I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco

I can't not... touch it. / I can't not have my phone. I'm sorry. I want to be with my phone.

Funny how you can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely

How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain. Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. Couple of dopes on the slopes.

'You have two young dynamic people in this office who know trends who know youth. That's myself and Kelly Kapoor you need one of us there Or both? Not both. Just one. Me'

'It seems to me that the Apple store is kind of like a party so I think our question is how do we make this a better party? No. We sell business tools and the stores need to reflect that. They need to be all business Let all the other stores look like a toy store. Right. Think different From Apple.'

It's so peaceful, I've already written 12 plays today

It's so quiet, one might say you could hear a pin... would be cooler

Got it Can we see that? Did you really find it? Yes. Right here. Got it. Dink. Ow

What's under the cloth? We'll get to that Cookies. I bet you anything it's cookies It's cookies Let me finish my speech first Oh, we get the gist It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just don't be coy. Make with the cookies

Is it oatmeal with no raisins? I'm sorry to have wasted your time That's okay Thank you very much

Genghis Khan could take 'em both down 'cause he's not afraid to kill children. What? It's true. He-- He would-- He would eviscerate babies and hang them from poles outside of the villages.

If I wanted Jamaican food, I'd just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there.

Um, okay, I'm in love with Kelly.

When people see this presentation, they're gonna [Bleep] in their pants. - Okay. - Come on, man. Seriously disgusting.

Yeah, no [Bleep], Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me something encouraging about this presentation before I go out there in front of a million people and do it?

You just need to realize so much rides on this. - You have no idea.

Oh, Ryan, you're so smart. You're smarter than Mark Zuckerberg and those Google guys all combined. - Hee hee hee. - You're so ignorant, you barely know what you're talking about.

You can do it, Ryan. And you know that I'm capable of this. - You're the only one who can do it, s-sweetie.

Oh, 'fix' means you hate it! I knew it! - I need something to drink!

No, not a water. A sports drink. I hate everything in that fridge. Not red-- Get me something yellow or green from a nearby store. Not red!

Hey, Uncle Lucas, it's your nephew, Ryan. Honestly, I could use a prescription for ritalin right now. Well, I know you did one for Aunt Carol. Oh, so it's different because it's your wife?

Don't talk to me right now. I'm sorry, I know you're my boss, but seriously, you need to get the hell out of my face.

'I'm sorry. I lied. I'm not in the bathroom. I can't do it. I need to see my mom. I'm going home.'

And then just lay him in his crib, and then bicycle his legs. And then after Jim quiets down, you do the same thing with your baby.

Because Kelly is Indian, and... Oh, that's it. Race had nothing to do with it. I just knew they'd be good together. Why!

Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do not shake the baby. Don't shake the baby. Um, a lot times, parents get frustrated 'cause the baby's crying and they shake the baby. And you gotta-- You can't do that.

Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants. And her new boyfriend seems awesome... If you're into Indian people. I'm not.

Maybe we weren't right together, but... it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?

I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. Again, that could change.

I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan. And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician. Why you would even ask or were going to ask, because I-- I feel like that question was coming.

Our love scares them. It screws up their cookie-cutter world.

Even if the odds are 50/50 that we'll break up within the week, I wanna roll those dice. I love you, Kelly.

Kapoor and Kadesperate. He watches... Second line. He is a drifter out to see... It went the Indian Ocean in calms, one speck of white remains and waters called and Kelly grinned.

Smokey's dead. Smokey the Bear? Smokey Robinson, Pam. He died like an hour ago.

Did you like that Tracks of My Tears is maybe the last true love song ever written?

I'm sorry that I'm not a fan of Jason Mraz or the Beatles.

How can they make the Smoke Man play with someone like that?

Don't call me a clown, Pam. You're better than that.

They call it the Silicon Prairie.

This is not garbage. It's my clothes.

Listen to this. They give a poor person like a goat or something. It's a great prank.

Where's the quiznos? You're the quiznos.

How long have you been stalking me? / No, no, no. My flight just got in from New York. / Are you still with Pyotr? / No, and I thought I unfriended you.

Can you imagine if I'd worn my Jimmy Choos? / I just saved you 600 bucks, mister.

Never came back. Oldest story in the book.

No, Kelly, he is not named after a hip-hop artist from 2011. It's Drake, like a mix of Drew and Blake.

I let him suck on a strawberry. He's allergic, but he'll get over it fast.

It sounds kind of lame. No offense.