Creed Bratton

Let's fight it. Let's call Jan, and fight this thing together like the old days. What old days?

Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour.

Fire Devon, he's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon.

You will be my savior. You're the guy who gave me my life back.

Devon's terrible. No one's gonna miss him.

I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't.

Creed's iron lung story and age confusion

Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis. / No. That was mandatory. / Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.

Hey, guys. Somebody making soup?

My biggest fear is turning into him. Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that. I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse.

Office football chaos with everyone demanding the ball from each other

I'd like to say hi to my friends in China.

You ever seen a foot with four toes? Eww! What are you doing? Stop it, stop it!

Fantastic Sams, Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow-dry.

I sprout mung beans on damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things.

I am not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors. In the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.

I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train?

Andrea's the office bitch. You'll get used to her. Mmm. Creed.

Ed was decapitated.

That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart.

Creed's graphic description of blood reaching reception and getting on Pam

Don't go. They eat monkey brains. Hey, hey, hey, stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up. Because I am sure that they are very tasty. And nutritional.

Hooters. No.

Made like 1,200 bucks.

I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.

Office having bat problem with no openable windows, followed by 'Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!'

Creed's triumphant 'I am a hero' after presumably killing the bat

That's feces.

I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the sheriff's station.

I found a potato.

Long johns? / A shawl?

Creed is eating an apple. / I found a potato.

Well, you know, the first performance was a little off, but I really think they hit their stride in the second show. I might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee.

The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss? If that's flashing, then lock me up.

You wanna go in the women's bathroom? Not really. I've seen a bathroom before. Yeah, but... it's every guy's fantasy.

Oh... my... God.

I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly.

Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving? / Cruise control.

Pam is taller. / You sure? / Yes. / She has bigger breasts too. / I think Karen has a prettier face.

In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front.

Au naturale, baby. That's how I like'em. Swing low, sweet chariots.

Oh, really? What kind? Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? OxyContin? Palladone? What? I have no idea.

I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.

Creed? Yes, sir? Everything okay? Everything's cool, dude. I'm 30. Well, in november, I'll be 30.

I've seen this kid, he sneaks onto my farm and steals my hemp. Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.

Here you are, my dear. One thing made of ice. How did you... Where-- Where did you... It's just ice. It'll melt all over the floor. - Will you help me put it over there? - Yes, I will. Excuse me. I stole it.

Creed: 'I've already got my name picked out: 'Lord Rupert Everton.' I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That's the life.'

Wow! That was easy. Yeah, people like me, I guess.

I want pie. I want peach pie. You want a birthday pie? I want a nice cobbler.

You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.

Piss or get off the pot!

When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go.

I really want it.

When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go.

Jimbo. / Ah, they moved the shower. / Did you see Holly's butt? / Nope, I didn't.

And that her butt refuses to quit!

That's insane. I thought you had to pee. / I'll just go later.

I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me, and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months, I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico. / That wasn't a tapeworm.

Check it out, hired guy. Nice.

$100 now, for sure... Instead of $5,000 a year from now? How sure is this? The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game.

Don't tell Jim.

The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.

It just says creed. Yeah, that's all-Inclusive.

Damn it, Creed. I've been up since 4:00

We should hang out by the Quarry and throw things down there. / Definitely, we should.

the prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. he deserves the win.

That one makes me think of death. It's kind of nice.

How much? $7,000. For a cat? I can get you a kid for that.

he made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knockin' 'em off one at a time.

i think today he's hot air ballooning,and later he's got a couples' massage.

is this the party? nah.

Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off?

I thought rajani ghanda was a boy's name.

A woman was murdered on this very floor in 18. haddie mcgonagle she was a prostitute.

No,this whole place used to be a brothel. There was a tavern on the ground floor.

She was bludgeoned to death by the business end of a riding crop.

Just kidding.

Been there, done that.

Darnell's a chump. I would've done it for anything. I've done a lot more for a lot less.

This is like a haunted coffeehouse? No, Dwight is confusing you. It's more of a disco. A haunted disco!

Cafe disco. More like crapped disco.

Boss, this used to hang from my windshield, but it belongs in here. Hey, thank you, Creed. You really get this place. No problem. I'll just have no idea who's driving behind me now.

If i can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am i working toward?

I'll just have whatever's fanciest, unless there's ribs, I'll get the other information the day of. I'll text you.

I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash. Like money? Like, you want my money? Mmm-hmm.

In the memo line, I'm going to write, 'To love's eternal glory.'

Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me?

Question for you, would you guys rather have $100 now or $5,000 a year from now? $100 now, for sure. Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee, I put in $100 of my own money, as the gift.

How sure is this? The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game.

All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars. And I am not stopping for anybody.

And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.

Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards? - I usually can think quick on my feet. But they were so fast on the phone.

Let's start by conserving our time and stop having these stupid meetings. No more meetings! No more meetings!

Oh, now do the Swedish Chef.

He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.

Hate to break it to you, Oscar, but some of us like boobs. Calves. Calves all the way.

What if you've been really, really bad? More 'evil' than strictly 'wrong.'

How do you know it's a gun? What else does it look like? Not a gun. Well, unless the missing pieces is a gun, You don't have a gun. Not a gun.

I call the school. I tell them I'm the pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda-bing, badda-boom.

I can use this for so many nuts--macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds. Clams. Snails.

Meredith, your boob is out. Fine.

This is Creed. And he is in charge of something. Right? That is correct.

I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

Hey, where's Dwight? You didn't hear? Decapitated. Whole big thing. We had a funeral for a bird.

I'm pretty sure none of that's real. You're not real, man.

This cord has Creed written all over it.

if your baby's born tomorrow, he's gonna have the same birthday as Buttmud Brooks, my old roommate.

Tonight is ghost whisperer... So Friday.

If you want people To put the best face on something, Why would you get two people Who probably have never cut the face Off of anything in their lives?

So there I am, minding my own business, And darnell offers me three bucks. All I gotta do is walk by andy And go like this. Darnell's a chump. I would have done it for anything. I've done a lot more for a lot less.

You line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time.

That is a dangerous game, friend-o.

That was awesome. Texas justice.

That was more horrifying than nunsense. All that singing got in the way Of some perfectly good murders.

To my chickens, I'm the Scranton strangler

Oh, no, it's just that, if a vampire had to cough, He would do it like this. Right, And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is In Transylvania? 'cause of the euro.

Top o' the Sunday morning to you. And a top o' the day to you too, sir. I hope you brought your pipes. We're about to smoke the opium of the masses.

If you go to Cabo San Lucas, All the prostitutes are from Cabo Corrientes.

They say that 15 Chinese soldiers fought off the entire army of Genghis Khan just using this stuff.

Better than English. (IN MOCK MANDARIN)

Yes, I have a dream. And it's not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press and launch that lighthouse into space.

It's too big a pill to swallow.

What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy and then we all kill him but first we take out, like, a $100,000 life insurance policy?

Is the nail place Koreans or whites? Koreans. Good. And the dry cleaners? White? Good.

I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual, like. Not make a big deal out of it. But I know everybody saw it, just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.

I don't think I'm there yet, boss. Well, I am.

One, two, three. I did it. I did a cartwheel. Fuck you! Fuck you! Oh, God! Okay, that's it. God!

What a rush! That's all I had to do all year. Congratulations. All right. Well, all right, see you tomorrow.

I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual, like. Not make a big deal out of it. But I know everybody saw it, just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.

My tombstone's already made, thank you.

I did it. I did a cartwheel. (BLEEP) you! (BLEEP) you!

I did it! You did? A perfect cartwheel. (LAUGHING) Okay, good! What a rush! That's all I had to do all year.

Creed's Loch Ness Monster business plan speech

'So I have one question, why are you here?'

Sweet. Free ring.

'Is that a palm tree, or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's pee on it.'

It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe.

I've got some cheese you might like too... In between my toes.

When I was a kid, I was on dallas. Really? We missed our connecting flight, then we spent a week on hawaii.

All right, I'll take 'em. They're probably worthless. Probably. Leave the telescope.

I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life.

Could you turn the volume down on the beeping? Shut up, Oscar.

We're looking at, at least one suicide and one weird sex thing.

I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup, I have a Swiss passport.

Great billboard! Funny, edgy, right up to the line without crossing it. Loved it. Which one did you see? Washington street. The one with like 20 dongs on it.

You don't live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes, Bobby.

Creed's horror story about Lydia and the baby with mummies and snake

'I'm fine, bitch. I'm fine.'

I never heard that song before. And once I heard it, I did not care for it. But that song means it's time to go home. Now it's my favorite song.

Robert, you got your sheep and you got your black sheep, and I'm not even a sheep. I'm on the freaking moon.

I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black president. I didn't realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay president or a supermodel president

Creed, I was never here, all right? Okay. What about your friend?

♪ I'ma love you downstairs tonight ♪

It's the perfect blend of love and horror

My Warcraft clan was still on speaking terms. My kid didn't have a face tattoo.

I've never met Ravi personally, but I'm gonna go ahead and say just having knowing you short while, Brian, that I prefer Ravi. And again, I've never even met the guy.

No one's raping this guy.

Oh, my God. It's called a garbage can. Helpless.

They're like the new Jim and Dwight.

In the parking lot today, there was a circus. A copier did tricks on the high wire. A lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator. A strongman crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.

The Taliban is the worst. Great heroin, though.

Cool, free upper. Ha, ha! The jig is up, psychopath!

I have very fertile hair glands.

Excuse me. I have to run to my car to take a dump.

I wish my car had a bathroom.

Oh, God. Stuck with the weirdo.

I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time.

I saw the leaves twitch.

Well, Andy's cute, but he's too vanilla. Whereas Pete, he's just one sick dude. I mean, you know this guy likes to get weird.

With slamming bods like that? They ain't playing checkers.

Did I just hear you laughing with glee? No. I was just clearing my throat.

It's 6-7-8-2, not 8-3! Uh, 6-7-8-3 is also a good time. Less mileage.

I went Christmas caroling... in March, and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So not my best night. But not my worst night.

'Cool guy'? 'Dumpster man.' Cool. Superhero.

I know a guy who can turn that into $800. Hint, it's me.

Creed Bratton is the new manager!

Nice jugs! That's obviously nonsense.

Over the course of this documentary, I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble. My wife did it.

Smart baby. That's the most flavorful bond.

Stanley is sleeping. You don't want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you? I heard that.

You want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps. He does have a gift.

Do you find that your life feels pointless now that nobody's actually filming you anymore? / Yes.