Oscar Martinez

Oh hey! This is Oscar. / Martinez. / See, I didn't even know, first thing basis.

But what some of you might not know, is that I am also part native American Indian. / What part, native American? / 2/15th / That fraction doesn't make any sense.

Let me ask you is there a term besides Mexican, that you prefer? Something less offensive? / Mexican isn't offensive!

I think that goes without saying.

Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out. Really ? Or when we are bored. Oh my god ! Wait this goes back 2 years ! We are bored a lot.

You play that. You should ask Toby to teach you Dunder Ball.

What is going on ? Nothing. Guys, time is still going, or... That's my stopwatch.

I'm gonna need you to find 50 grand in the numbers. But we don't keep two cents... Just, you know, find it.

Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring. Was I, Creed?

Wasn't there a $20 limit on the gifts? / This is 400 bucks. / You don't know that. / Yeah, you left the price on.

That was meant for Kelly. / Yeah, I figured.

The Stevie Wonder bathroom hypothetical and response 'We love Stevie Wonder'

Who's it from? - My mom.

Office football chaos with everyone demanding the ball from each other

You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope.

No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.

It's like child abuse! I say, if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby!

I forget, are you guys dating? No.

This is so much more offensive to me than hard-core porn.

That sounds like a great, wonderful idea. Let's do that.

Yeah, I'm gay.

Yes, I am super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company. In Scranton. Much like, uh, Sir Ian McKellen.

Sure, sometimes I watch 'Will & Grace.' And I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes, when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented.

You're ignorant. And insulting. And small.

Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.

I have this little old vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager.

The Jamaicans don't have a word for 'impossible'. Yep, it's English. It's 'impossible'.

How was your gay-cation? That's very funny. Yeah, I thought of that like two seconds after you left.

Because I'm gay. No- no- Certain events have transpired, and I've thought about certain things.

Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey, into the office, like Pepe? Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.

51. / Oh, don't be that person. / Come on, that is lame. / It's a strategy. / It's called being smart.

Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride in the second show. / Um... / Might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee.

sedimentary lifestyle / Sedentary.

Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume? I don't wear a Speedo, Michael. Well, you can't swim in leather pants.

Can I have a turkey burger? No, I have the only one. I claimed it. Turkey is a healthy meat.

If either of these guys are put in charge of the office, I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I'm kind of looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see.

Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from? Pizza by Alfredo. All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza? A medium amount of good pizza.

Oscar: 'You can't just say the word 'bankruptcy' and expect anything to happen.' Michael: 'I didn't say it; I declared it.'

Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.

Did you even read it? - Course I read it. - How does it end? Who was the main character? - Angela. - Nope. - Ashes.

Why are you assuming they only speak spanish? I just... If they speak spanish.

Yes, she is. And clinically insane.

Shotgun weddings. / That's not what that is. / Fright. Being scared to death.

You are a thief of joy.

Wait a second, how does this steak factor in again? I think she got it as a tip, but I don't know why she didn't just take cash.

I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash. Like money? Like, you want my money?

In the memo line, I'm going to write, 'To love's eternal glory.'

Great, they stole my laptop. Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector. How does that even compare? Oscar, i'm now going to be prone to surges.

I'm going to buy a sweater. Michael, that's for your food. Well, I'll just... I'll use different money for that.

It's just a van. It's not just a van. Look, I know my way around a van. That is just a van.

You look, how you say, radiant tonight. And it is, how you say, a beautiful night. Michael, why? She's foreign. I...

What is wrong with you? Why won't you do Andy? What? That's Oscar, and he wants to know why you won't do me, and I think it's a valid question.

You up for a chest bump? No. Bro hug?

MICHAEL'S A GENIUS.

that was good. it just at the end, you weren't saying something that could also apply to the form. how about 'i'm sorry i did such a whorish job filling out this form.'

trade seats with me. no. i've got a better angle on pam. i can see everything. please stop.

Oscar's scientific explanation using 'koinophilia' to prove Hilary Swank is not hot

Stay alive, I'm getting help! Pull me up! You're too heavy. I only weigh 82 pounds.

He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.

okay. sorry. let's- who else? oscar? i don't think so.

a week later,a friend of mine calls me up and he says,i just saw him in a gay bar in kansas city.

The good news is... they can't fire all of us, right? They can. No, they can't. Yes, they can.

Michael oversharing Oscar's entire romantic history

I made it sterile. Just saying sterile doesn't make it so.

Can you go five years without a salary, Michael? Okay. Five years? You already have the job. You don't have to convince me.

I emptied it in the dumpster. It had Toby's baba ghanoush. If we don't patronize the only Syrian restaurant in town, there'll be nothing left but pan pizzas and, you know, make-your-own-salads

That seems quick, even for lesbians.

Erin, how many times do I have to tell you? It is not necessary for you to ask how we are doing every time you interact with us.

Why don't you get over lunch, Oscar? Everybody else is past it.

Like children singing Christmas carols.

What exactly is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can't possibly fall to me.

You think i'm the voice of the taco bell dog?

It is a colonoscopy.

In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation... or emotions?

Oscar's stunned silence and obvious discomfort

But I do not understand. If we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises?

She thought I was your boyfriend. You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you?

Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight. No, they're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of howling during sex.

Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others. Toby has mentally checked out since June. The coalition for reason is extremely weak.

Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us. - You're right. Sorry.

Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horse's chopped-off head in your bed. - That's not gonna happen. - That's an exaggeration.

Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards? - I usually can think quick on my feet. But they were so fast on the phone.

You would love jail. - Why would I love jail? - Because... You would love it.

Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.

The coalition for reason is extremely weak.

You would love jail. Why would I love jail? Because... You would love it.

Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.

My mother's in a wheelchair. Well, he could still... I'm sorry about that.

This plantation, we're runnin' low on, uh, greenbacks, and we're havin' problems payin' the people who give us the seeds and the dirt.

Okay, Oscar. I don't need the whole enchilada, just bullet points. Those are the bullet points. Well, could you condense it, please? That's as simple as I can make it.

Dummies, Morons and Idiots, because that's what you'd have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.

Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second, I chickened out, took it anyway. Got a 1220. Always regretted it.

I feel lachrymose.

But really...I just get the recipe from the box. That's funny. Is it funny? I thought it was more... Interesting than funny.

Nice to meet you, oscar. Nice to meet you, mark. It's matt. Right, matt. I know what I'm doing, pam.

They're two-ounce paper cups dipped in plastic. He goes through 20 a day.

That's because you kept opening the freezer door to check if they were frozen. / Yeah, but then I left it closed, and now they're all gone.

It's not to celebrate st. Patrick's day. It's so I can protest st. Patrick's day.

No. I always come in at 7:00. / No you don't.

Yeah, we talked this morning, and we talked at Christmas, so a little momentum there.

I said it on the second date. - Mm. - That seems...Quick. Even for lesbians.

You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late.

Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.

I'm awful, aren't I? Yeah, that's pretty... I'm an awful guy. Ooh!

If we don't listen to the overture, We won't recognize the musical themes When they come back later.

Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production Of sweeney Todd, The real terror comes from the vocal performances.

Michael, you're at least 46. Why 'at least'? If you're guessing 46, just say 46.

Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention. World Cup. That's what I was thinking. You kept announcing scores.

Why would you choose a pencil, Andy? Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.

How do I look? Amazing. How do I look? Normal. Ugly.

That's pandering. And it makes me think you think I'm stupid... It's kind of weird that a grown man is singing from the point of view of a little girl.

I don't think they usually skate to such bad songs.

Kevin saying he looks like Michael Moore as his costume statement

Oscar explaining coupon book math while everyone ignores him

Oscar as rational consumer costume

Oscar winning costume contest despite rational consumer concept

They only want it for the initials. The domain name. / Oh, God. / W.U.P.H.F.

I wasn't here. What? I wasn't here. It's a pretty common saying.

I wouldn't subject Robert to that. He's a very busy senator. State senator.

We went to a picnic thrown by the comptroller's wife. Oh. That would be impressive if anyone knew what a comptroller was.

Do you have any idea how many photographers there are at a ribbon-cutting ceremony? I do. Two.

Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.

Oh, you mean the state senator. I'm sorry, I was confused 'cause you accidentally wrote 'The senator.'

I'm sorry, I was confused 'cause you accidentally wrote 'The senator.'

'It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you'

Erin stuck on cow words - moo, milk, mood, moon - 'cow jumped over the moon'

Oscar's Slumdog Millionaire theory about Erin's Scrabble success

'I will have apoplexy if you lose. Apoplexy is what I will have.'

You know what, Ryan? I talked to the other gay guys, and we're okay with it. We all agreed it's fine for you to get married.

Oscar clearing throat loudly repeatedly, Michael asking if he's sick

Oscar, this must be tough for you, watching this go down. You could not stand in the way of true love, my friend.

Suck it, Oscar. This must kill you. I just told them to do it.

Listen, you're the one who decided to leave. Come on, he's our new boss. You know we have to do this. Okay. Well, who needs them? Looks like it's just you and me, Dwight. Correction. Just you.

It looks like it was made by a two-year-old monkey on a farm.

It's not supposed to shred magazines, Kevin. I know. Did you break the shredder, Kevin? No.

No, that's not true. Actually, we heard a loud noise, later a hole was seen. No one saw the bullet leave the gun.

Don't be such a right-sider.

Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here? - Yeah, well that's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.

Oscar's pretentious interpretation: 'It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.'

Oscar asking 'Is that a vibrator?' about the prizes

Oscar breaking car window and subsequent chaos with dog

Who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy? Bulk or definition? Definition. Bruce Kenward. He hangs out at Planet Fitness.

But Dean got fixated on his calves, and, uh... And his triceps went to hell.

I know citizen Kane. Rosebud didn't explain why he was how he was. It just represented what was important to him as a child that he missed. That school of thought-- Let's just agree to disagree. No. You're wrong. Are you sure? Yeah.

Cheeseburger or hamburger? Um, cheeseburger? Nard-dog.

Hey, guys, I'm an Oscar... Liar... Weiner.

"there's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper." Oscar.

Oh! There's one mistake. Now we only have four strikes left until a homerun.

There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper.

When the stake are this high, there's only one computer that I trust, and it's powered by thai food and spanish reds.

Guess I'm a sucker for historical fiction.

Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal.

Andy, this in inappropriate. People died here, man.

Who walks around with their passport? Well, I do. Always ready for adventure. Have you had any? No

You really have to say 'oh yeah,' every time you eat a candy bar? / I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good. / Oh, yeah.

I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing, but it's a little more complicated than that.

Triviocalypse!

Hey, Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me? That was you, Kevin. It was me

Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?

Right month wrong year

Got that, bimbo? Got it, bimbo

This baby is clearly not premature They're lying about the date it was conceived And her husband's gay I don't even know which thread to follow

'What were the criteria for going? It might be innate goodness versus innate badness But there's an easy way to find out'

Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course. That is where we disagree.

Exactly. That's just like crate training.

There's nothing harder than taking care of a boat. Am I right? Angela and Pam: Unbelievable! Un-be-lie-va-ble.

That's not Dwight. No.

Metaphorically sixty-nined. Ew! Perverts. No offense, Oscar.

We're throwing a party for someone because they're being horrible? We're taking work time to move someone's personal belongings?

This confirms three things. I'm right about the Senator, I still got it, and poor Angela.

He wanted to rock more than just my vote.

A gay man wouldn't leave the store wearing those shoes.

I'd have to be a monster to root for that. A lonely, aging monster.

Why does this always happen to me?

Please. After the turtle?

If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person. Those guys always turn back, Angela.

C'est la vie. Please don't teach the cat French.

Why not her credibility or her reliability?

Oscar: 'A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? Do I look like Bob Saget?'

Oscar: 'That was just normal video with you making vulgar noises.' Andy: 'Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar.'

Kevin trying to provoke Oscar into a pie fight: 'You don't have the guts, you stupid, dumb do-do face'

I'm Sexy Toby. Gross. I love it.

Actually, I'm the electoral college. Ouch! Right on target.

he just wanted a little Mexican brought in. I can't! It's too much! Please stop.

I literally have nightmares in which what just happened happens.

And then I make Angela's husband spoon me back to bed.

Blake's also a guy's name, so he may be spending his afternoons with a guy named Blake. So nothing to worry about.

dog style.

So I just have to wait and see when she comes in, if she's cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it's business as usual.

Of course, ask me a... Questions.

Yes, a little bit. Yes! I think that thermostat is acting up again. It's the stupid thermostat! That thing's a catastrophe.

This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual.

Thanks, Oscar, you're such an angel. I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so, yeah, we're good. Yeah, we dodged a bullet.

I didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions I agreed with, until she tried to have my kneecap shattered for sleeping with her husband

His partner, Zwarte Piet, or Black Peter, a slave boy, often portrayed in colorful pantaloons and blackface. uh. No, Dwight. No.

Actually, it's pronounced espresso. Wait, that's what you said. I apologize. I just assumed you would mispronounce it, so...

Potato? Oh, no. Kevin, it's not a joke.

I mean, who are they going to go with, some nobody like me, or a big name like Tracy Fleeb?

I'm sure Pam is already kicking herself for choosing a phone call over her child.

You never stop surprising me.

Your friends are like Spiderman, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating.

But as a politician in this town, you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs.

I was politely saying nothing can be done. I thought I was clear.

Opening with puff pastries? That's a bold play. They're saying, 'it's only going to get better from here.' Good luck.

How can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen be so terrifying?

His gardener, Rohelio, or he could have invited... Rohelio, but he chose me. Rohelio's Malaysian. That son of a bitch is Malaysian.

He put you right in front of me? Yes, he did. He put you right in front of me? Yes! Now, let's just wheel Margaret right in front here. Ow!

♪ Who's that girl? ♪ It's Andy.

Well, there you go. That's muy caliente.

Yes, Erin. They film us at night when we're sleeping 'cause that makes great TV.

Did you know that is the only kind of counseling I have never had?

Kelly called it. 2013.

Oh, and, Oscar, I already figured out if I have to get emotional in the film, I'm just gonna think about you getting dumped by the Senator.

Are you guys high? Because, if so, to speak my truth, I would appreciate the sacrifice of including me in some hits off your kind buds.

Our question is... it seems dumb.

You're too character-y to be a lead, and you're not fat enough to be a great character actor.

But he also can't make it as an employee in an office, so, you know, why not go nuts with it?

Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller. It's a great play about crushed dreams. No, this one was written by SpongeBob SquarePants.

You are not going to live in a tent. Come stay with me. You don't want me at your place. I do. Yes.

Angela, you just were... I love him. I know. I understand more than most, but we both have to move on. You can't... No, not the Senator. I love Dwight.

Ironic that now it's Angela who's living in the closet. Hey-o!

Saddle shoes with denim? I will, literally, call Child Protective Services.

He used to call it a 'keleven.' He told Dwight, 'A mistake plus keleven gets you home by 7:00.' He was home by 4:45 that day.

They wanted me to go to the bachelorette party with the girls. Really? Such a cliché. I'm a man.

Waazzuup!

I had to pledge $50 to my local PBS station just to get this.

I think I'm gay. / Why do you say that? / It's just that I'm so emotional. / You're not gay. You're not gay.