Phyllis Lapin

This says bushiest beaver. - What? I told them busiest... idiots!

Like a grandmother. I'm the same age as you, Michael. We're the same high school class.

Come here. Give me a kiss. Michael, come on, you don't have to worry. I'm not gonna... I'm not worried. Report you to HR. You know what? The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner.

It's Phyllis ! Phyllis by a nose gold-medal in flunenton, flunkerton ! Thank you ! Delegate from Iceland.

Are you calling me a ho ? Oh my god, Phyllis coming alive, I like it.

Not in a thousand years, Catherine, we work together. And get off my desk.

They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that.

Well, you do mean you and Jim, right? Oh, God. I am so sorry. I mean, I thought... You guys hang out all the time. And you're talking all the time.

Do you think I should have gotten the big ones? / We'll see.

Which, to me, seems... excessive.

Michael's disability lecture dismissing Phyllis's scoliosis as 'woman's trouble'

What's that? What are you doing? Nothing. I think he's dancing. No, just... That was definitely not dancing.

What's our punishment? You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly.

Happy Valentine's Day, Darling, love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration

Man, that thing's bigger than I am. - No, it's not. - Oh, zip it.

Office football chaos with everyone demanding the ball from each other

What is that? It's like Club Med, but everything is naked.

I'm the one who complained about you. I didn't know that Toby was going to write it down.

I won the 2002 $2,500 No-Limit Deuce-to-Seven-Draw Tournament at the World Series of Poker in Vegas. So, yeah... I'm pretty good at poker.

Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...

Of course, we all thought you were gay in high school. Yeah, right. Ha, ha! And I take that as a compliment.

Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out.

What's on your suit? Caramel dip.

Phyllis's pine perfume from 'metropolitan Orlando' and Bob Vance introduction

I thought you said green was whorish. No, orange is whorish.

What's your funding? $200. What's ours again? Um, $201.

We're the same age.

Then, how is this amazing race? / It's... just... It's Amazing Race, Phyllis, okay?

It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.

I swear, Phyllis, you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin. Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside.

If you need to vomit, that is okay. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight? No. Because I know you're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure.

Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay if you did, it's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding, and you're nervous... That wasn't me. Okay.

Are you set on that hairstyle? I thought it was... Michael, no... Here, let me. I don't need your help. Thank you, no. Just cover up that bald patch. Michael, please. I just need some time alone.

And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, for the first time as a couple, Mr. And Mrs. Bob Vance!

Your dress is very white. It's so white, my eyes are burning. Thanks, Angela.

Also, I'm gonna need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers. I don't have that, Dwight. Damn it, Phyllis!

Why don't you find your seat and enjoy the buffet. I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back. It's fish. I will take care of that.

Phyllis? Phyllis, wait, please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember. You found Uncle Al! Yeah, yeah. He's kind of a weirdo. Thank you, Michael.

Be careful with the... No! Oh, wow! Phyllis. Phyllis, come on. You look like a clown. Here. Oh, get me. Get me!

Is it nice outside? / It's gorgeous. Let's go! / Do I need my jacket? / No, really, it's very nice. / Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T? / Everyone's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

I don't want to hit the big rock. Don't worry, you're not... I know I'm near the big rock. I just know it. Nowhere near the big rock.

Come on, andale, arriba, arriba. You have to stop this right now, or I'm not gonna do this anymore.

How do you touch just one of these buttons at a time? I don't know. Did you even try?

So I googled 'how to deal with difficult people,' and I got all of this.

Phyllis, these are spoons. Spoons have round tops and are used to scoop things. What we need are forks which have prongs or tiny spears on top. And we need knives which have blades. Do you understand me now? Yes. Goody.

Michael: 'Monkey problems? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?' Phyllis: 'I know you heard me correctly.'

Lunch party? It's supposed to say 'Launch Party.' Angela is worse than usual lately

What are you microwaving?! - Popcorn. - Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis? - Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.

Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn't care. Probably went to his head.

Hey, Michael. I mean Jim. Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.

Sue Grafton is at the Steamtown Mall. She's doing a book signing right now.

So I kept on asking, and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends.

No, all right? No, she can't fit in a rowboat.

Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend, anyway. He can just deal with it.

It bothers me that you're not answering the question. No, all right? No, she can't fit in a rowboat. Damn it! I knew it! I knew it, Phyllis!

There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.

Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend, anyway. He can just deal with it.

Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! / You left me in a bad part of town. / Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about?

I got a gift for Pam and Roy. Do I have to get another one?

I'll do it. I don't care. / I'll smoke with you. / I got a bag of cigars in my purse.

I hate registries... My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be surprised when you see it.

That's really fattening. No, it's lettuce.

It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much.

Someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick. Oh, dear.

I have my hug. Yeah, well, phyllis, Nobody...really wants a hug, so.

She's your wife, you idiot. $100. 200. What are you doing? I need a hug, unless you're gonna give me one. Not here.

If someone who barely outsells Phyllis can get in, then I should be fine. I'm sitting right here, Dwight

Michael skipping ahead: 'I'm gonna skip forward to a really big clue. Here we go. Well, by now, you figured out that old Beatrix Bourbon was the killer.' Phyllis: 'What? Michael, I was doing so well.'

Phyllis's practical ending: 'Hey, I want to go home. Get the keys out of my purse, start the car.'

Office debate about whether Hilary Swank is hot begins

I forgot my purse! Leave it, woman! Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however...

Can she pick a half hour of each? No. No.

those mines aren't gonna sweep themselves.

Is this wine? Busted. Yes. I already have wine.

Oh, *** god! Oh, no, no, no. Oh, wow! What did you do?

I find the rattle soothing. Puts me to sleep.

I think Bob's gonna cheat on me with his new secretary. What's so funny? When I say it out loud, it's so silly.

My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be surprised when you see it. You're not registered for a birdhouse, are you? No, we're not. Good. Good.

Oh, gee. I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all voted for you to get pregnant.

Get the keys out of my purse, start the car.

I'm a co-manager. That doesn't make you a boss. It's not like you can fire people or anything.

Who... How did you... Who told you this? We can't say. Ryan. Sorry. I'm plastered.

Jim said that?

I slipped a note to jim 11 weeks ago, And he said I could do it. [giggles] [tearfully] oh...It's been a long journey... But...[sniffles] I'm santa claus!

Don't make me get bob involved. What would bob do? Never mind. I shouldn't have said that.

Let the party begin! I don't ask for much from christmas. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, Don't look at me!

All right, sweetie, I'll just tell her it's michael.

Eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily. That's what she said.

No, this is geological. / I sent an email out to everyone in this area that this might be a side effect to my new allergy medication I'm on. / Are you kidding me? / No.

I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club.

I have an ice cream cake in the car.

I have an ice cream cake in the car. Oh, my God! Go! Go! Go! Are you insane?

Yeah. I basically wish you were dead.

I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me, and Bob beats them up.

I'm reconsidering sending them back anyway.

Yeah. I got stung up my dress. Poor hornet.

I could try to seduce him. Oh, my God!

The first time we saw each other naked, we didn't even make love. We just stared at each other until we fell asleep. It was magical.

Bob's finances are... Complicated. He only invests with cash and only in nightclubs.

And you know her husband's in a wheelchair, right?

Click the 'X.' I'm clicking! In the box. I am clicking. Woman, you've had a computer for years! Phyllis! Too late!

That's how he gets you to take off your panties. - Why are you nodding? - United front.

When I was a kid, I was on dallas. Really? We missed our connecting flight, then we spent a week on hawaii.

Ryan, you have such an interesting mind. So creative. All these new business ideas and artistic projects. Thank you. What you got there? Oh, it's just stanley's old photo album. I was thinking about throwing it in the garbage. I mean, why would I want some random black man's old photo album sitting on my bookshelf? I'm not james franco.

And that is dallas. Nice. Not bad, right? I can't really tell. I know, right? What the Oh, my god. That It is, right? I mean, it's impossible.

No, not officially. I saw you coming out of the bathroom earlier. Well, I guess I'm gonna go back to my cave.

And that is what they call a meet cute.

I have diabetes, too. You don't see me making a big deal about it.

I thought he knew about the baby I gave away.

You have to hand wash without water, wring dry gently, and use a hair dryer on cool.

Phyllis, where's Phyllis? Here. Do you believe in me, Phyllis? Yes. 'Cause I believe in you. Feel that connection?

Phyllis's baby coming out of butt tattoo design suggestion

Oh, sorry. I thought it was a guess-your-baby's-birth-weight pool.

This is not a picnic, Phyllis. It's a garden party. There's a grill in the warehouse I could bring. Ugh, please don't. Not a barbecue. It's better than a barbecue. It's dignified, quieter, there are rules. How is that better than a barbecue?

Bob and I are doing the Scranton Haunted walking tour. I always wondered what kind of people went on that thing.

Is she Asian? / I don't know. She's from somewhere, I bet. / Maybe from the forest. / Forest? / Did Andy say his girlfriend's from the forest?

Well, I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today.

You know, all I had for breakfast was oatmeal, yoghurt, um, coffee, orange juice, and toast. Two poached eggs, and then that half a sandwich on the bus.

It's the second-easiest job in the world... Being a mom

Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful?

What's the haul? Thirty-two meatballs. Good day. That idiot's been feeding us for a week. We'll never have to buy meatballs again

What about the lady you hit with a pine cone? There. That chubby one. I just had a baby. - Yesterday?

So how's the drive in? Oh, nobody knows how to drive in the rain. You don't say? Yeah, you know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour? Oh, the plants are gonna love this.

This rain... Does it make you wanna be doing something? What do you mean? You know, like aren't some things just so nice and cozy in the rain?

And that's noon. Exactly. I mean, normally the rain would make me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book. But everybody's being so nice to me today.

Andy's medical circulation excuse met with 'Boy, I will hammerspank your rear'

You just walked into her office... and begin. - Hello. - Hello. May I please speak to your boss? - No, she is the boss. - I am? Yes.

Because sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them. Tell me about it. Whose hands are these? They're not my hands.

I did enjoy grinding your beans, son. Yeah, we really did peel your grapes. Shucking your peas!

Maybe it's going to be great. And, if it's great... I think we all know what that would mean to us.

Please just take my name off of everything. Just take her name off of everything.

It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars. I'd rather have the bowl. You can't have the bowl!

Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away.

'Athlead.' Please. They're too lazy to call it Athletes Lead?

Jim should just call it Stumpany for stupid company.

People, it's 2013. Erin is a strong, independent woman. Who says she has to end up with any man?

Or the mini-mall.

But I mean, if you don't have one of those, you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness.

They use a watch repair kit.

Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then I ordered ten American Girl outfits on line. It was thousands of dollars.

Oscar is with the senator too? / Yes! And I knew it the whole time.

Andy sings beautifully, and he's really good at dancing. He's a good speaker. But there's just something there you don't want to look at.

Here you are, sir! Here's your coffee. Ow! My skin! Ow! Ow! It burns! Ow! Uncanny.