Stanley Hudson

Meredith, good news! You're not actually a year older, Because you work here, where time stand still.

Stanley, of course. - I'm sorry? - What do you play, center? - Why of course? What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know, I don't remember saying that. - I heard it. - People hear a lot of things, man.

Like how even an extra day is going to prevent us from being downsized?

I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out. - Oh, no you didn't. - I think I did.

I did, and why didn't you Stanley? - I did, my wife's name is Terry. - Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terry. - It's this person whose hand I'm holding Michael.

Well, last year I got great work, so I don't know... I don't know what to think about this award

That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girl's school. I'm taking it down right now.

Stanley, I just played Dunder Ball with Toby, What about you ? You got any games ? Yeah, I got a game, it's called work hard so my kids can go to college.

Stanley, could you come with me, please. No.

You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone.

And I could work here for years. And years.

Two thumbs down.

I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact.

Sorry I didn't write back sooner. I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late.

I got Angela. She's into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that.

Stanley...bo banley. / Banana fana fo fanley. / Me mi mo manley. / Stanley.

Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow? / Maybe, I don't know. / Not maybe, yes or no. / Well, no, but... okay, don't spoil it for everybody.

Michael's comment about Stanley having 'his fair share of obstacles'

Stanley's 'Mail Boxes, Etc.' response to what Michael's bandage looks like

Stanley doing crossword puzzle during disability presentation

Hey, Stanley. Is that jacket made of updog? / I'm on the phone.

See the game last night? / Which game? / Any of 'em.

So, uh, what's the 4-1-1? Any updates on the 'P' situation? / P-A-M... P-A?

Peach iced tea. / You're gonna hate it.

I did not do that. It wasn't me. It wasn't me. It was not me.

What's that? What are you doing? Nothing. I think he's dancing. No, just... That was definitely not dancing.

I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about. That's not what a hate crime is. Well, I hated it a lot, okay.

What is that? It's like Club Med, but everything is naked.

Maybe a month.

That little girl is a child! I don't wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it. Whatcha looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus can come through that door, and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.

Baloney, tomato and ketchup. The best. These are all the same. Yes.

Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door.

Michael spitting on Stanley while explaining decapitation

Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's.

I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small. Drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive. And then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day... Well, I like pretzel day.

364 days... Until the next pretzel day.

And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. Really? You should. It's fun.

It's a blessing in disguise. Actually, not even in disguise.

In my fantasy, I always thought I would slap someone, make a big speech and storm out forever. But this is good too.

I couldn't be happier. I'm gonna take the severance and retire. My wife and I are gonna travel. I really couldn't be happier.

Kind of sounds like prison's better than Dunder-Mifflin. I would so rather be in prison.

I miss the days when there was only one party I didn't want to go to.

You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers, mon.

Stanley's bonus complaint met with Michael calling him less fun than 'Jamaican brothers'

Stanley's curt 'Nope' when asked if he wants to talk about it

Pass. / You can't pass, You gotta pick somebody. / I'll take the kid.

And you just said, 'Hi. Hi. Hi.' You sounded like my niece. And she's six months old!

Is it nice outside? / It's gorgeous. Let's go! / Do I need my jacket? / No, really, it's very nice. / Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T? / Everyone's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.

Oh, sweet mother of God.

One day, 14 strangers who work together... but only one survivor. What?! Just words... inspiring words.

I don't care what you call my team. Then I will name your team the red team. No, the blue team.

The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world. Can we just take those first two things?

No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again. / What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks? / The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

It's only Meredith. Yeah. It's only Meredith. Thank God.

We're screwed. Who is? Us, you and me. The old timers. I am not old. You are old. You are, like, a 100. You're over 40. That's the cut off.

I'm telling you, this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this, or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we're goners.

How do you touch just one of these buttons at a time? I don't know. Did you even try?

What about cash? Cash can buy whatever you want, including a gift basket, so... it's kind of the best gift ever. What about a gift basket full of cash? Yes! Cash basket!

Stanley, you're dancing. No, I'm not.

Stanley: 'When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats, drinking some red wine, watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole god-forsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott.'

Stanley: 'Yeah, women be shoppin'.'

Stanley, you're dancing. No, I'm not.

I don't understand why sleeping is better than you not being... Just go out and come back in.

How can I get you to stay? - Money. Yeah. We all want money. But there is none in the budget, so... Tell me why you're really leaving. - Money.

Let me ask you this. If I were... - Money.

How on earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? Sometimes I say crazy things.

I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.

Why don't you mind your business?

Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems urban to you?

There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.

I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is I have lost a little of my speed. A little of my fire.

Here's what I used to look like. Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.

I was at the hospital. I lost four pounds. I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds.

Stanley, now all I like is baklava.

I'll do it. I don't care. / I'll smoke with you. / I got a bag of cigars in my purse.

A siesta. Time thief. Time thief. Fire him!

I don't care what she's doing, I hope she just keeps doing it. Amen. Just keep the ribs coming.

Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door? You don't need to answer that. If you don't smell this, you're fired.

I say no. No, I mean, what do you say to my plan?

Stanley wearing a costume so he can sleep at his desk

Stanley's work philosophy: 'I only slack off when things are good'

Food negotiation: 'There will be food. You leave, you do not get food.' 'What kind of food?' 'Sandwich platters.' 'I'm in.'

Stanley's character discomfort: 'I'm not comfortable with this.' about playing Voodoo Mama Juju

Stanley's voodoo backstory: 'It's not my fault. I was exposed to Harry Potter.'

Stanley's exhaustion: 'Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time.'

you know what? i'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying to my face. and not telling me what's been going on this entire time. you are welcome.

Office debate about whether Hilary Swank is hot begins

Kevin: 'A painting can be beautiful, but I don't want to bang a painting.' Stanley: 'TMI.'

Stanley: 'I have less' (than 20-30 years) due to family history

Stanley's final verdict: 'She is... hot' with dramatic pause

Boy, have you lost your mind? Because I'll help you find it! Did I stutter?

I feel like I'm working in my own casket.

Four Splenda? Are you crazy? / No, I actually only put in two, but that's not how the song goes. / Are you out of your damn mind?

We are friends. Stanley, we're friends. / And you let me down. / You really like her, huh? / Yeah, I really like her with all my heart.

She's right. I had my second kid just for the vacation.

The good news is... they can't fire all of us, right? They can. No, they can't. Yes, they can.

What about your party?

Listen, Stanley, you don't need to answer me now. No. Just... I want you to think about it. No. Okay, you're not letting me finish. No. And you just lost out on a million dollars. No, I didn't. You know what? I had a great time at prom. And no one said yes to that, either.

Andy, he's gone. I know. You don't have to kiss his ass anymore.

Phones? Also, there's been way too much wasting time. So, Stanley? Yes? Yeah, I want you on top of that. Okay, I want you to be my productivity czar.

It's gonna cost you some clerical work. What are these for? It doesn't matter. Fill them out. All of them. And when you're done, you can watch me shred them

I want to watch The Kardashians, okay? I don't want to watch Bored To Death. It's mindless! Kardashians is a good show. It is... Thank you, Stanley!

Way to go, guys. This... This was an integrity move. Yeah. When we walked in here, we were all prepared to tell you to go to hell. Do you have any pastries without fruit? Yes, we do. Eclairs

Well, you better be happy, taking 2% of our... 2% milk! What I forgot for the coffee. Yeah, treats, Stanley. They've accepted our simple offer of treats only, nothing more

Is the good news that you found our leads? No. Better. We have an awesome beanbag chair that's perfect for the break room. I'm never gonna sit on that disgusting seat. Yeah, damn right you're not, 'cause it's for me and Michael only!

Maybe the michael scott paper company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.

Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call, none of us would've lost clients.

My doctor told me to cut out hotdogs. We all got problems.

Had to be part of the group.

We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill.

Co-manager of what? - Of your butt! And your butt, and your butt... All of Scranton branch butts.

A queen-sized bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael. I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying, be careful.

That's funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it.

I have a way to make Scranton a better place. You could leave it.

You're just a bunch of voyeurs. Are you eating popcorn? Has almost no calories.

It's not my fault. I was exposed to Harry Potter.

Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time.

Son of a bitch! Pam Halpert.

This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace.

Why don't we talk more about it instead of doing it?

Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin. Look it up in the bible, people. A lotta fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to h-e-l-l, double hockey sticks. Goin' to hell, stanley.

For the record, not onboard with fake Stanley.

My hair! Get off! Get off me! I got it! I got it! Get it off! You're welcome.

Stanley? How about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we gonna just take it away? That is my daughter, she goes to Catholic girls' school.

Talk about vacation days!

Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room? / I am treating you the same as a man for whom I would also not stand, unless it was the president or Judge Judy.

I mean, where is that? Near Mars? / No, we know. Texas.

I want to watch the kardashians, okay? I don't want to watch- it's mindless! The kardashians is a good show. - Thank you, stanley! - No, you don't even know! How would he even know the kardashians?

We get it-- you eat like royalty. No, no. This is a representation of how we feel. And how we feel is really sorry.

Okay, you get out of here, big dog.

My doctor told me to cut out hot dogs. We all got problems.

On her diet.

And? You did it. What? Based on what? Just all the evidence. And it really seems like it was you.

Finally, a kid who's not talking about Betty White.

What do you mean 'again'? You're always asking for our attention. Well, maybe like a year ago. Mmm. Seems recent.

Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention. World Cup. That's what I was thinking. You kept announcing scores.

Come on, give it a rest, pencil (BLEEP). I'm doing this for you, Meredith!

Why don't you go outside and take a shot of insulin and have a nap, okay? Why do you always assume I have diabetes?

Stanley immediately leaving at 5:00 despite meeting

This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day. I canceled my plans to come To this thing, and they repay me with this?

Excuse me, everyone. Sex! Now that I have your attention... You don't have our attention. / Money! I'm listening.

You never told us to close them.

I am jumping. You are? Let me see you jump. Yes, I'm jumping. Oh, my God. This is a store-bought camera. This isn't one of those special military-grade cameras that would be able to capture that.

Pam got those sugar-free cookies I like. I'm doing fine.

I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for... That is the life.

Since last year I ate none. Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that's fine. Is it? Yes, because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week.

The glitter is blinding.

'We're no more a team than people staying in same hotel'

Click the 'X.' I'm clicking! In the box. I am clicking. Woman, you've had a computer for years! Phyllis! Too late!

I gave up a lot of weekends, because I thought it would be good for my daughter to see a black man as President, even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.

So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now.

Have you lost your mind? Get off my property before I call the police.

Where's the rest of it? It's got no balls.

It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt.

I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I'm telling someone how to do something. I go on with a long description and then I say, 'and shove it up your butt!' It's stupid, but it's my thing now.

Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add 'em all up, and shove it up your butt!

Stanley's motivation transformation from naptime to active work

Connecticut casual. Any chance Connecticut casual is Pennsylvania business? I.E., this is what I'm wearing to your party.

♪ Closing time ♪ ♪ every new beginning ♪ I never heard that song before. And once I heard it, I did not care for it. But that songs means it's time to go home. Now it's my favorite song.

Well, I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today.

I know how to save the company, everyone. Just write a petition. Get everyone's signature, including our clients. March down to Florida... And shove it up your butt.

March down to Florida... And shove it up your butt.

What's the halal option?" "Dates, tabbouleh, and a bagel with cream cheese." "Out."

Stanley's list of weird Christmas themes: 'A Honolulu Christmas, a Pulp Fiction Christmas, a Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas, Mo Rocca Christmas'

'Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas'

'I want Christmas. Just give me plain baby-Jesus-lying-in-a-manger Christmas'

Jim, come on. So juvenile

What's the haul? Thirty-two meatballs. Good day. That idiot's been feeding us for a week. We'll never have to buy meatballs again

I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them

My wife got to the TV first. I had to sit through damn Rizzoli & damn Isles

'You're trying to tell me Kevin Malone deserves more than Stanley Hudson? Hey Okay, it's obvious that Andy picked the people that are least important to the office'

'Florida Stanley smiles Florida Stanley is happy to go to work Florida Stanley is who you want on your Florida team'

Who says none of us are diarrheal?

You're a nice guy, Jim but you have no idea how to vacation

Life is short. Drive fast leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos

It's just rum I'm not bored. I'm a pirate Is that another motto? It's whatever you want

Careful, Jim. It gets easier and easier. - No, no, no, Stanley. - Mm-hmm. - Stanley. - Uh-huh. Stanley. All right, hey. You know what? Just bring back those bottles!

Kinda sounds like he deserved it, opening another man's treasure and all.

Would if I could and I can, so I will. Put me down for one box. Don't care what it is, dealer's choice. I'll put you down for shortbreads. Damn it!

Stanley arriving and everyone reacting to confirm he does have a mustache

I'm still not sure why this woman is even here. Why is she here?

Stanley's enthusiastic 'A week off, that'd be great' in response to shutting down the office

When is my birthday? Unfair. When's my birthday? I don't know, because we're not friends.

I'll have the surf and turf, with a side order of lobster. Not enough lobster. Side order.

Because sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them. Tell me about it. Whose hands are these? They're not my hands.

I did enjoy grinding your beans, son. Yeah, we really did peel your grapes. Shucking your peas!

So he's kind of like Santa, except dirty and worse. No, much better... no one fears Santa the way they fear Belsnickel.

There's a pencil poking in my rolls.

Everyone, now that we have all this energy, why don't we move the copier into the annex like we've always wanted to?

It's beautiful! Hardwood! I always knew it was down here. I just never dreamed that I would actually see it.

Wait, this says 'Dunder Mifflin Loyalty Pledge.' This? Oh, what? Double mocha latte, please? You got it. Just sign your name below. Whatever you want.

Let's all ask ourselves, have we been faithful in our relationships? Mmm. That's none of your damn business.

We can't blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos.

Phyll, I'll pretend to be your husband. I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.

Just ignore her. Sooner or later, she'll finish.

What the hell? No, this is not happening. / Didn't you get the memo? It's Stairmageddon.

I put 17 damn years into this company, and now they're making me climb stair mountain!

Who do I look like, Jackie Joyner-Kersee?

You are not my damn boss and you never will be!

Pete, iced tea. Three sugars, five creams. Your morning 3x5.

For a threat to be credible, you ha-- Holy shit. No, you didn't.

We are going to go discuss paper contracts for city of Lackawanna public schools, okay? / Pigeons.

Stanley, what is going on here? / He's fine. / He gets carsick really easily. / Driving.

Ooh-hoo, look at that baby... / That's Benji in the middle. / That's Benji. Oh, he's precious. / That's a healthy-looking baby. Very special little boy. Look at him. I've never seen such a beautiful child.

You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didn't even know it. / I'll go tell Andy the good news. / Oh. / Silly me. Gotta take the stairs. / Oh, no, I'm not doing that again. You got me down, you gotta get me back up.

You know who's really funny? This bird in the park that can't fly right. I'd pay to see him. But I don't have to, 'cause the park is free.

I've been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn't for the cameras I would've done some truly vulgar crap.

Stanley is sleeping. You don't want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you? I heard that.

I've been looking forward to this day since I was 18 years old.

Speech! No.

The man who delivered my divorce papers came by fan boat, which was kind of fun.

It's like seeing a documentary about how your food is made. It's kind of disgusting. You learn a lot, but I didn't want to know any of it.

It's me.