Andy Bernard

Hey, Big Tuna. You're single, right?

She's completely crazy.

Steer clear, Big Tuna. Head for open waters.

I went to Cornell. You ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the a capella group, 'Here comes Treble.'

He's always looking at the camera like this. What is that?

It's the new guy. / Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know what we're talking about. / See what I mean?

Andy, it's not... / I'm gonna kill you for real. / This game, the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you.

Psychopath.

The absurd chip search checking copier and fax machine

Did you check your butt?

Andy's Weekend at Bernie's story passed off as personal experience

Hey, big tuna, you ready? Yep. One, two, three. Shot! Ohh! Holy mother of God. Ooh, that burns. Golly!

Tuna! Are you kidding me?!

It makes perfect sense that it would happen today because I just received this in the mail. 1,000 business cards with this address and phone number.

Cornell has an extensive alumni network so... We look out for each other. Probably go back and teach or something. Where'd you go to college? Hm, Cornell.

Andy asking about Michael's 'favorite men's magazines'

Andy's sudden threat: 'Cross me and I will destroy you'

Andy's advice to fire Anthony Gardner based on Japanese camp guard philosophy

Andy's follow-up confessional about being good at choosing who dies

Andy's philosophy: 'Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.'

Andy and Michael's 'nifty gifties' exchange

Andy vs Dwight title battle: 'Assistant Regional Manager' vs 'Regional Director in Charge of Sales'

Andy's manipulation strategy talking head

Andy's screensaver compliment to Angela

Angela's breast on Andy's computer screen

Angela's Hooters restaurant defense

Andy vs Dwight car argument ending in coughing insults

Andy's 'Cor-Not University' insult

Andy's final confessional claiming victory in the argument

I am so horny.

Tell me about that Indian chick Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.

Jesus. Apollo Creed.

Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There's no getting around it.

Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?

But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice? Yep, that's perfect.

Dementors like in Harry Potter? No, not Harry Potter. There were no movies in prison.

Hey, Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it, Michael?

Michael Scott. PhD. Doctor of sales.

I caught an 80-pound shark off Montauk. It's in Hamtons. My dad's got a 42-foot Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest.

We don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.

No, I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree. / Stop it, stop it.

Oh man, talk about your classic lame-dash-o.

I really Schruted it. / What? / Schruted it. This is the thing that people say in your office all the time. Like when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, You Schruted it.

I don't know where the word comes from, though. I think it comes from Dwight Schrute. I don't know. Who knows how words are formed?

Why would Dwight go New York without telling anyone? / You think he went to see Jan?

And where it asks you to state your business, he wrote, 'Beeswax Not Yours, Inc.'

All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. Took me forever.

I called it myself. Just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring.

I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you. I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you are younger and have less experience.

Andy and the Tuna.

TGI Wednesday. Am I right? Yeap. Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my Lost on.

I'll take that as a 'Maybe'

Where're you going? Bathroom. Oh, I'm about to go to kitchen. I'll walk with you.

Things are going pretty good. Getting a lot of face time with the boss.

Feel ya, dawg. Yeah, do you? Absolutely. What did I say?

I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.

I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Got my rod here.

Large Tuna, have you seen my cell phone device?

[Phone ringing in ceiling - Andy looking around confused]

You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling. You know what? Maybe you're in the ceiling!

Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.

Drew. I'm Drew now. / Oh... Drew. / Sorry. / Apology not accepted.

And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.

You can call me Drew. / No, I'm not gonna call you that. / Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what I do.

Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug. / Okay, tell him that that's not true. / Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.

Ryan describing Netflix queue management in elaborate detail while others time him

I'm temporarily lifting the shun. / Thank you. / It means nothing.

You mean a moon bounce? / What do you think? You've got an hour. / I'm gonna need petty cash. / Shunning resumed.

Do you... do you want a drawbridge? / Un-shun. / Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.

Is it nice outside? / It's gorgeous. Let's go! / Do I need my jacket? / No, really, it's very nice. / Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T? / Everyone's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

Drew. I'm Drew now. / Oh, Drew. Sorry. / Apology not accepted. / Because it wasn't even necessary in the first place.

new techniques for dealing with the grumpies

No, I'm not gonna call you that. / Cool. / I can't control what you do. I can only control what I do.

Andy, Dwight says welcome back and that he could use a hug. / Tell him that that's not true. / Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.

I need you to acquire an inflatable house and/or castle. / You mean a Moonbounce. / What do you think? You've got an hour.

Do you want a drawbridge? / Un-shun. / Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.

When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.

That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you.

And the winner is Andy Bernard, with 14 hot dogs. Team U.S.A.! One came up. 13 hot dogs, everybody.

Did you say 'sandwich?' No. I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying... Sabotage... ...the ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.

Go tell somebody. What, Andy? Andy, what should I tell them? Go tell them I'm floating away, obviously! I don't understand what you want from me.

Angela, it's pretty simple. Look at what I'm doing, and go tell somebody it! Sorry. Aah... Bye, Andy. Angela!

My name is Andrew Bernard. I was with a group called Dunder-Mifflin. Hello?

Wilmaaaaaaaaaa!

What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut.

Huge! Yeah, bigger actually. That's crazy! Oh, my God. Can you believe that? Unbelievable. She could put the cup right there.

Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. / How do you make a table? / You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.

I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has. My brain. which I use to my advantage, when advantageous.

Abandon all hope, you who enter here! / Totally!

I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts, it is a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe. So they become more sensitive, so they chafe more.

Tuna!

Fire guy! Don't start any fires, Ryan. Fire guy! You weren't here for that. Here for what? When he started the fire.

Next night, I'm out at a bar, 2:00 AM. I figure I'll get a sandwich. 'Cause you can get a sandwich any time of the night. I run into Vince Vaughn. No way. Literally. Dude, you are so money. But you dot even know it. But you do.

He has a killer job. He's rich. He smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like. He wears really cool rich guy cloth. And he can get any girl that he wants.

If you change your mind I'll be first in line Honey, I'm still free Take a chance on me

Andy: 'I've moonwalked past accounting, like, ten times.'

Andy: 'I come from a line of W.A.S.P.S so long it leads back to Moses.'

Andy: 'I left a little present for Angela... I told her in the note that the cat came to find her. That they were destined to be together. I got game.'

Take a chance on me. That's all I ask of you, Angela.

Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forster novel. Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious, Pam.

The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. Party Planning Committee is my backup, and Kevin's band is my safety.

What are you microwaving?! - Popcorn. - Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis? - Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.

Angela's ashes. Top of the mornin' to it. Frankie's prose is finer than a pot of gold, say I.

Did you even read it? - Course I read it. - How does it end? Who was the main character? - Angela. - Nope. - Ashes.

You're shaking things up a bit, huh? It's a pretty good idea, don't you think? Do you think it's a good idea? No... I think it's a great idea.

Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgey the Whale.

Break me off a piece of that... [struggling with Kit-Kat jingle]

Applesauce... Chrysler car... Football cream

Who let the Nard dog out?

You just got Nard-dogged!

We've been necking. But only necking. Right? Not actually kissing our mouths. Just neck on neck.

Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight... That's not different enough. Dwike?

Break me off a piece of that lumber tar... Snickers bar... Grey Poupon

Oh, D. Oh, D.

D for Andy.

Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast. It's the cat food. Nailed it.

We need to assemble the F'ive F'amilies. No, not the F'ive F'amilies. We have to!

They call him 'Cool Guy' Paul.

Grade A badass.

Bill Cress is super old and really mean.

Andrew Bernard is the name of me, and this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.

It's just nice to win one.

I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-Pack, the guy who wakes up every morning in his $400-a-month apartment, wonders how he's gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders, 'How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?'

Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately, if you know what I'm saying. I'm right here.

Andrew Bernard is the name of me, and this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.

And some people sweat too much for comfort, and... My God.

It's just nice to win one.

Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders, 'How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?'

I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.

Ex-squeeze me. / No, I will ex-squeeze you.

Ang... Ela. Ela ela ela under my angerela ela ela ela eh eh eh--

Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.

No, no. This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.

All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.

A little close to my engagement there, Tuna. What's your game here? To get married. She's not a virgin, you know.

I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? Boom!

It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.

I mean, I like all the crazy monsters and stuff, you know, like Klingons and Wookiees and all that, but...

Who are you supposed to be? Dave. Cool.

Take that sweatshirt off

Those colors are sacred. Not that I care, but if you're not a Cornell man, you probably shouldn't wear them

Stop saying 'we.' You did not go to Cornell, okay?

My blood runs Big Red

It's pronounced 'Colonel.' It's the highest rank in the military. It's pronounced 'Cornell.' It's the highest rank in the Ivy League

That's Big Red Bear. That's a bobble Big Red Bear. God!

I called admissions and it looks like I will be conducting your university interview

That's a conflict of interest. Yeah. Big one

When the hour glass strikes 3:00, then in the room whence employees confer

If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance

Dale Raymond Corson. I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Cornell's seventh president was, in fact, James A. Perkins

Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid

Yo, Tommy Tuna. Did you get your scores yet? No. I got mine, they were really good.

I miss him.

That's my mug. Sorry, I was just... It was right here. Right. Well, it's mine, so if you could pour it out and get another one.

That is my mug, so give it back. How can you even be sure? That's my face on it.

Make the face. I don't see it. Dude, that is my face.

You wanna wear that puppy right up on the breastbone like a bra. No, I don't wanna wear a bra.

I'm just bidding a bon voyage à la mon petite fiancée. Translation, goodbye my petite fiancée.

Meaning I will try to get other dudes laid. Yeah, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

Andy brought one, too. Harry and the Hendersons.

Come on, it's Dandy Dale and Foppy McGee over there.

Mademoiselle, beer me deux Long Island Iced Teas, s'il vous plaît.

Do you like apples? What? Do you like apples? Sorry, what? How do you like these apples?

I see through a hard exterior to a little jelly in the middle.

She has the softest skin I've ever seen, and I can't wait to have sex with her. You haven't had sex? No.

What is wrong with you? Why won't you do Andy? What? That's Oscar, and he wants to know why you won't do me, and I think it's a valid question.

I want to take you to sex school. What? Who is that, monkey? Is somebody there?

I thought I dreamed that. Oh, God. Oh, God! All right. Okay. This is so bad.

What's first base with Angela? I get to kiss her forehead.

My name is Andy Bernard. Andrew Bernard, that's my name.

156 PACES FROM THE LIGHT RED MAILBOX, MAKE A LEFT.

WALK UNTIL YOU HEAR THE BEE HIVE.

NANA MIMI CANNOT SQUAT OVER SOME TRENCH.

I HAVE LOOKED AT 12 VENUES. I HAVE LOST EIGHT DEPOSITS. AND I HAVE SEEN ANGELA NAKED ZERO TIMES.

HEY, TUNA, CHECK IT OUT. TUNA SANDWICH. JUST LIKE YOU.

Andy's talking head: 'it's time for the Nard-Dog to take matters into his own paws'

Characters revealed: Andy as Nathaniel Nutmeg and Erin as Naughty Nellie Nutmeg, the incestuous siblings

Andy's date proposal: 'I would be remiss if I did not ask the pretty young lady out on a date for this weekend.' 'Sounds like a plan, sugar.' 'All right! A plan it is.'

Character flirtation: 'How about a threesome?' 'Yeah. My boudoir's always open.' 'Nice.'

Andy's worry: 'I'm a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin. Which would be a whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nellie says yes to everyone, and she might be a murderer.'

Date reality check: 'Did you mean a real date?' 'No. Did you?' 'Totally not.'

no one has rsvp'd to our wedding yet, and the deadline was yesterday.

that cannot be true! you're going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? uh, no. no, no, no. what i'm saying is i want to cut it myself.

and just bear in mind that when i say-- say these things... that are bad things that you hear... in your ears, this is something that i... if i were you, that i wouldn't want to hear. you're not making any sense.

well... no, i'm not. so i-- i'm not very articulate today, so i'll just leave it for another time. another day. which'll be fine. i'm off. have a good meeting. thank you. kick wallace's ass. okay, i will.

dwight and angela are having an affair, so. i can't hear you through the glass. dwight and angela are having an affair. they've been sleeping together for some time.

are you sleeping with dwight? a little bit.

so, like, missionary? i said nothing fancy.

you know what? i'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying to my face. and not telling me what's been going on this entire time. you are welcome.

it's over. oh, good. she broke up with you. no. it's-- it's over between you two.

she doesn't love you. she's marrying me. well, i don't know about that because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me.

angela bernard. will never be her name. it will be her name, and you will have to call her that.

i will fight you. nope. okay, fine! good! a duel. the winner gets angela. fine! fine!

my bare hands. that is stupid. i will use a sword, and i will cut off your bare hands. then i'll get something too.

dear dwight, by now you have received my note. how are you? i am well. you are no doubt wondering why i have left this note.

it's come to my attention that in any physical match with you, i would surely be bested. true. the soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly.

protect her from what? bears, you idiot? when's the last time you saw a damn bear in scranton? last year, idiot!

you're like a sasquatch. you live in the woods. sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! so fine, call me a sasquatch.

i don't get it. how could she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice? what? what? she's sleeping with you? i'm her fiance. she said she was only sleeping with me.

yes, hi. my last name is bernard, and i would like to cancel a wedding cake that i had ordered. b-e-r-n-a-r-d. yeah. the one shaped like a sailboat.

A throne for your highness. (Andy in British accent)

Jim and Pam are like movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.

Lily was supposed to be Nicole Kidman. And it was going to be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole Kidman dropped out, so they went with Cloris Leachman, with a small rewrite.

Stanley tried to die just to get away

These muffins taste bad. Or an art critic. That painting is bad.

She's out of your league, Andy. / For your information, I've been with lots of beautiful women. / Sexually? / This conversation is over.

What we have here is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness and depression.

Andy trying to look at CDs in someone's car and setting off the alarm

How does your boyfriend deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you, or... / Actually, I don't have a boyfriend. / Really? Is that... Wow, that's so weird.

What's a Nard-Dog? / This is the Nard-Dog. / Whoa! What the hell?

I thought we had this energy and I'm a mess and I just had my heart broken and you came in today and you're so pretty. You're, like, incredibly pretty.

I'm going to call you about that order. And maybe about that mall walk.

We lost the account.

I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.

That's low, Tuna.

Put your heart out there like that, it's liable to just turn into this blackened carbon brick. It has barbecue sauce of shame and rage.

Nacho chips. I was thinking about how the skin is the largest organ of the body.

We're really tight. We're like the Kardashians.

Andy, he's gone. I know. You don't have to kiss his ass anymore.

But will be... Damn it! No, no, no. Meeting's not over.

These aren't leads. What are they? Oh, right. Those are clues, and within each clue is a lesson

I'm trying to make your kids respect you, because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don't respect the father who doesn't respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic? I don't even think you understand it. I do understand it.

I mean, a lot of their work can be done from India

Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods. If they don't have an iPod by now, they really don't want one

Erin just texted me back. 'People love shells from faraway beaches.'

Oh,no! Clearly a hunter... Who knows how to throw an outfit together.

His rundown better be really good. I don't know. But it sounds like the rundown is really important.

He did a doughnut in the parking lot in front of a cop. And then he yells,'hey,cop,you like doughnuts?' then we drive off. No,he just stayed there.

It's really technically proficient,but you know, there's really no heart or soul in it.

Literally,every song is better a ppella. Name a song. Cherry pie. Warrant. Better a cappella. Really? Yeah.

I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

I mean, I'm so happy. I'm so happy! Like, total freedom, you know?

Let me be your traveling pants.

What'd you do that for? You know what I was doing. Okay. Totally.

When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back. Well, so what? Your body's a 10.

Jim Halpert is very upset and disturbed. I don't know if it was something you did, something you said, a look you gave him. Maybe it was nothing at all, but here's the deal, okay? It stops now!

Man, he got me so good.

♪ Andy don't mess with me ♪

I do. - Okay, how about a woman? Pam?

Widdle Andy is afwaid. Andy's afwaid? Yes. Are you all afwaid?

Who's Philip? No, no, no. Who tipped you over? Was it Philip?

There's girls in there. Where? The other room. Down the hall. There's girls in there? What'd I just say? You get me my sandwich? Forget the sandwich. Girls. Girls!

Are you sure that's not the gay ear? Are you 12 years old?

Ow, son of a bitch! Andy, that was just the ice.

You want her to set you up so you can spike it. I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis. She's the best setter on the team.

Don't set it to yourself.

I'm so mad that Pam got hurt!

Parkour! - Michael-- - Parkour! Parkour! - Extreme! Parkour! - Parkour!

Truck to refrigerators to dumpster, 360 spin onto the pallets, backflip gainer Into the trash can.

Stanley was with his wife. I waved at him but he didn't wave back.

This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before, actually. Just a weird coincidence.

But if he was persistent, i might give in a little bit To just really see what it felt like.

I'm in this weird, flirty, nebulous thing with this cousin of mine. And it's a total mind f'er.

Hey, Andy, let's go visit grandma and then get drunk together.

Don't, don't, don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke. No, I didn't steal your joke. Yes, I said that yesterday.

No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw-down. If I was a girl, I would seriously reconsider coming to this party. But don't tell them that I said that because I want them there.

Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbins? Because I feel like a banana split.

I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket. I tore my scrotum.

Well, every little bump in the road is major pain on my scrotum.

I spent the night with the bride, the night before the wedding. Oh, yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom.

Buy my insurance, or I burn your warehouse down. - He did talk about a fire in the warehouse. And he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.

John Gotti, you idiot. It's a completely different name. - So he won't get caught. - It's pretty close. What mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti? It weakens it.

Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horse's chopped-off head in your bed. - That's not gonna happen. - That's an exaggeration.

Criminals are like raccoons. You give them a taste of cat food, pretty soon, they'll back for the whole cat.

I had this car, 'cause... This Italian car. And I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil. But I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day, it exploded. And it killed everyone.

Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car? - It was before my technical training.

You were man enough to back down, michael. I'm proud of you. - I had to make a snap decision. - It wasn't a snap. You were sitting there for an hour.

I have a buddy who's a fed, and we did a background check on the guy. - I have friends still on the force. Checked with them. - Ran his fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take.

Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horse's chopped-off head in your bed.

Are you saying that we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?

Ran his fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force, really. Class act. Boy scout.

We just told you he wasn't mafia so you wouldn't be scared. You successfully backed down the mob. You made the mafia apologize to you. You made the mafia be polite.

This aria is a joke. Really? What are you thinking? I was going to go with this one. Let me tell you something, if you respect him at all, you will get him something better.

I've always found beauty in uncommon places. Homeless people. Graffiti photography lets me capture all that.

So a little elbow grease, and she's polished right up, back to her former glory. Feel it against your cheek.

You give me a gift--Thank you note. You invite me somewhere--RSVP. You do me a favor--Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.

Here's a healthy fitness tip. If you clench your buttocks together while walking, you can really take the pressure off your knees. Is that right? Observe. Right? That really works.

Do not walk around with your jacket cattywampus.

Home run, Michael. You set the bar so high. That was a bunt.

Feel it against your cheek. I will.

Do not test my politeness.

You know, here's a healthy fitness tip, if you clench your buttocks together while walking, you can really take the pressure off your knees.

Do not walk around with your jacket catawampus.

It is time for the nard-dog to take matters into his own paws.

Nellie's brother.

I'm a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin.

Andy have a boo-boo tummy

Crazy diarrhea happening right now. 'Cause things can get real adult real fast.

Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well, if I do, Andy's sowwy.

a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying

Tank you, Mr. Elvis. You're welcome, baby.

Dr. Tuna M.D., I have some terrible news.

the entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays

Don't worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month.

Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron

Is it my fault that the first eight days There's basically 30 birds?

I suppose a gentleman might throw in the towel At this point. Guess what. Not gonna happen.

Twelve drummers drumming. Merry Christmas, Aaron.

Dunder Mifflin and Sah-bray... Sabre. It's Sabre. Dunder Mifflin and Sabre

Jeez, you gave me a paper cut on my throat! Yeah, I have this thing about men cutting or threatening to cut my throat. Don't try to cut my throat.

You named them? / Uh, Charles Schulz did.

It's got pheromones in it.

until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds... My brother was born and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Junior name

Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so...

Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible.

You think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted.

I need you to send it immediately or you're fired.

Yes, I'm gonna ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible.

Why was I hiding behind the plant? Well, in college I took a botany class, and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh... Kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botany class.

And then I would jump out at them and confront them and be like, 'You think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted.'

The fax says, 'Erin, will you have dinner with me? From, Andy.' And the number is our office fax number.

It's actually my sister's old field hockey skirt.

Because according to how I met your mother, that's the date that your kids are gonna wait patiently to hear about, and you'd better have a good story for them.

In your nose. / Yes.

She's still gonna like me in a week. Right?

I'm in my jammy jams. / That's okay, I'm in my worky works.

Well, any brother of erin's is a friend of mine. / Cold hands.

Nice skirt. / It's a kilt.

That's johnny depp. I read in people magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in scranton.

Where do I find the black pearl? Captain jack sparrow. John dillinger. No. I'm captain jack sparrow. Captain crunch.

Remember how you felt when you thought you'd seen roger clemens? At the yankees game. - Yeah. Well, it wasn't him.

It also explains why the name on his mailbox was m. Shulman.

You couldn't handle my undivided attention.

Including the car phone!

Stop sexting pam.

You writing your memoirs over there? You writing your name over there?

There's other pencils in this office. Gimme--I--

Hand 'em over, numb nuts. But seriously, I mean, it's your job to give us those leads.

I want to watch the kardashians, okay? I don't want to watch- it's mindless! The kardashians is a good show. - Thank you, stanley! - No, you don't even know! How would he even know the kardashians?

Go to the man who never breeds. kevin.

You are never going to find them. - Really? - I'm going to enjoy this. Gimme the leads! Where are the leads? Gimme the leads! I'm still enjoying it!

They're in the trash. the trash. It's code. All right, meredith. Take off your dress. Okey-dokey. No. Dear god, no. It's in the trash can.

A lot of their work can be done from india.

You've changed, man. Oh, why, 'cause I have a shot at a 100k commission? When do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent. Hey, there is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes.

I should have been out at bars finding my soul mate, finding my wife, making babies. Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars! That's my wife you're talking about, man! Your made-up wife who doesn't exist?

Erin just texted me back. 'people love shells from faraway beaches.'

2% milk! What I forgot for the coffee. Yeah, treats, stanley. They've accepted our simple offer of treats only, nothing more.

We have an awesome beanbag chair that's perfect for the break room. Eech! I'm never gonna sit on that disgusting seat. Yeah, damn right, you're not, 'cause it's for me and michael only!

Talk to me that way again and I'll cut your face off. / Whoa!

That's actually pretty funny, but in general, you know... Quiet.

Stop telling me how to spend my tickets. / They'd be like, 'What's up with those two?' 'Hey, guys, get a bedroom already.' 'Did we miss the wedding?'

This is exactly what I don't want. The drama. I don't want the drama! / You love drama. / I know, I do, right? I'm a total drama queen.

Go, go. Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people.

We didn't say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers. / I was flirting with a man.

Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard and I've been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you.

It's Secretary's Day. And it is Erin's and my three-week anniversary, so perfect storm for a romantic gesture.

I sent an email blast, a text blast, a good old-fashioned talk blast.

I sent a snail-mail blast a week ago, and a stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin.

She's kind of a rube. That's my girlfriend you're talking about.

that 115-pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon

I mean, yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill.

Maybe she's just pushing her breasts together To make them look bigger. Like that?

I don't have a plan exactly. More of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. It's like jazz.

How about, andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?

Curve the bullet like in my favorite James McAvoy film Wanted.

How about make-believe land has anything you want?

It happened to Tom Hanks in Big.

My name's Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold.

And now coaching third base with two arms, two legs and a heart capable of feeling pain...

No, no, but we're gay for baseball.

Thanks a lot, Big Brother. You're with Big Brother?

Look, I didn't want houses and schools to burn down and children to die. Does that make me a hero? No, it does not. Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either. It does!

So right now I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe.

The new guy sucks. Calls me 'The Nard man.' I'm the 'Nard dog,' okay? Nard man is my father.

Clutch cream run, bro.

I can't do this. I don't have this sales gene or whatever it is

I guess that's fair

big mistake. Huge.

a wee bit of viral marketing, gov'nor!

I auditioned for this! When did the cast list go up? Like a month ago. Really? They didn't call me!

Who am I playing?

Andy? [silence]

Two comps for m'lady and her Gabe.

Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.

What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully ill informed, all right?

They had to bring in a ringer. This guy's, like, world class.

This guy's a world-class actor. He doesn't daylight as your plumber.

Just checking my emails. See if I got any last-minute 'break a legs' Or 'I still love you' type texts.

There's a little bird uttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping.

Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket This whole time. He's gone to sleep now. I closed his beak.

I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, sweeney Todd! See? It all connects.

Not that I know you're a murderer. My character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, Because of all the razors That you have laying around.

The number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance.

What do you mean 'again'? You're always asking for our attention. Well, maybe like a year ago. Mmm. Seems recent.

Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention. World Cup. That's what I was thinking. You kept announcing scores.

Now I'm gonna show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia. (ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST) Oh, my God! Yeah, sure, it's got some herpes on it. But you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's.

Just admit that your baby was a mistake. Whoa! Hey, our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise.

Why would you choose a pencil, Andy? Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.

Come on, give it a rest, pencil (BLEEP). I'm doing this for you, Meredith!

My good sir, nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.

Are you crying? No, I'm just sweating. I don't know what's got you upset, but my advice is stop crying. I'm not crying. I'm sweating.

How do I look? Amazing. How do I look? Normal. Ugly.

It's weird if I come in slightly after.

No. No? Nothing? No, Mr. Jock Hipster.

Big, red mazel tov to the Libster.

It appears Dan's Sherpa survived to tell the tale... Oh, my God! What? Is Dan okay? No, he died.

Broccoli Rob extended quote about milk awareness song

I was the artsy musical one. In Here Comes Treble, I had four solos, Broccoli Rob had three. Right?

Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you, but I can tell by the reflection in your glasses that you're entering points into weightwatchers.com. If you don't enter them immediately, you forget.

How much? 60 bucks a session. That's crazy money. I'll take 40.

Please, Mr. President... (falsetto song about little girl asking president to bring troops home)

He's like a better-looking Andy. Thanks, Kevin.

Couldn't get Out of bed today, Wish the alarm clock Would go away

Bullfrog in love song with ribbit sound effects

Andy and Kevin telling Danny that Jim and Pam begged them not to go

Andy's Cornell a cappella story interrupting Darryl's problems

Top o' the Sunday morning to you. And a top o' the day to you too, sir. I hope you brought your pipes. We're about to smoke the opium of the masses.

Does the nard dog want nard pups? Yeah. I want a big old litter of nard pups, All jumping around and sucking on the teat. Put 'em in a box, give 'em to my neighbors.

Oh, no, after you. No, I insist. After me. I'm gonna use that one.

You're four seasons in a day.

You could buy the Bernard Estate and just burn it to the ground while your entire family watched. / That is horrible. I love my family.

That's a safety school, Michael. / And they laughed you off of campus, right? So who's laughing now?

Du blueberry, por favor.

$8? (reaction to muffin price)

You gotta stop texting me so much. But I wanted you to know that Michael and I are wearing the same tie today. It's insane.

You're one bad text away from gettin' blocked. Yes, but one good text away from a high five.

That's a text. Yeah, right? That's a new standard.

Very well, then I challenge you to a snowball fight on the first real snow of winter. You got it. That sounds awesome. Can we all do it? No, Andy, it's a snowball fight. It's not fun. Go get your own thing. Beat it.

I would, but I don't want to get dirty. There might be girls at the party. Why do you always think that girls are gonna be at the party? No one invited girls. It's just us.

Which is ironic, considering how many trees it saves on a daily basis.

You know Darryl? Yeah. He works here. We all know him.

I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.

Oh, I work at a paper company. Those things terrify me. They could put us out of business, you know? Heard those machines hold, like, 10 books at once. Actually, it's 10,000. Holy shit. What?

So light. Like a croissant.

Why did we pretend like we work here? Is that what we were doing? I don't know...

Why did we pretend like we work here? Is that what we were doing?

A book about oceans. Oh, really? What else? Let me see. That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.

'Master of Ceremonies' Bernard correction

'If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche'

Andy admitting he's terrible at sales and this is the only job he's good at

Abandoned mineshafts business idea - 'big future in that, lots of mines in Scranton'

'They're baby whales, which is even cuter'

'My name's Andy Bernard, but you can call me The Nard Dog'

Real business owner seeking 'manageable growth' advice

Andy's aggressive closing followed by immediate politeness

'I guess when you looked in me, you forgot about my balls. They're on the outside.'

Wait, I... Can you back up? What's the story?

And you didn't invite any of us? We are getting divorced, Andy!

'I'm supposed to be wearing red gloves, but my color cartridge portal got jammed again.' Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Gloves. Keep it real.

You crushed our spirits, Gabe. Congrats. You're a big man, huh? Takes a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people.

'Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island.'

I accidentally did his sudoku.

Okay, my name is Jim Halpert, and I will fax it in to you.

Under you. I'll fax it under you. Oh, excuse me. I just pissed my pants. Not really. I didn't really.

I will not be your valentine. Oh, nuts.

We were the only two white people there. Oh, cute.

Not if we're talking like this. I think it's okay. He doesn't seem to hear us.

Darryl is a jerk. No, he's not. No, I'm just testing if he can hear. I can hear you.

Like benign tumor. Maybe it's just more like 'Be mine.'

You wanted to have sex in my office. No. Definitely not. That's disgusting.

What? No. No. We took a walk. We took a walk.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, isn't the President evil? Oh, yeah. Yes, he is.

No, no, he's doing it to catch the President. No, no, Dwight, he's just being stupid.

And I don't want to say the other one was old, but its I.P. Number was one.

This computer's a hunk of junk. Hey, sailor, come watch your regatta over here.

This is a sick computer. Gwen Stefani has this computer.

Yeah, but if you donated my computer to Africa, it would become famous as the slowest computer in Africa.

What, are you gonna play mah-jongg faster?

Erin just wanted me to have it, so we switched. What? Erin, is that true?

Andy, why should she have your crappy computer? Oh, that's interesting. So you also think my computer's crappy.

Please make sure nobody is humping me.

Well, if it breaks all the way, I can get you a new one. Pretty sneaky, sis.

Allow all cookies? Why, 'soitenly.' Pop-ups? Yes, please. Bit torrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah, why not?

Oh, I hope you don't get sick, Mr. computer. Why are you doing this to me, Andy?

I always carry around a couple of these. Just in case, 'cause, you know, sometimes you need to ID yourself.

Office funny guy. Always glad to have an office funny guy around. I wasn't even trying to make a joke.

'It's one of my favorite regions.' Did I just sound totally lame? Oh. I sounded good.

What do African Americans call the... What? I don't know. Help me.

I saw this thing in the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans don't. Right. I'm thinking, how crazy is it that we got a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock.

You know I'm the worst salesman here, right? But you're the best salesman on the inside.

Michael, I just lost Porter Hardware! I just... I lost them. Okay, you know what? Just do your best, buddy.

Is there an animal shelter on the way? Yeah. Awesome! Ani-ani-shelto.

Staged dog rescue scene for client presentation

I could tell you that he has a steel plate in his head, or that he's crazy, but the truth is, I think he's just a terrible salesman.

Oh, there is an inner circle. Oh, yeah. There is no inner circle.

I also say that because I am also in the inner circle.

I wrote my own companion piece to The Vagina Monologues, called The Penis Apologies. So I know a thing or two.

What's up, man cave?

In fairness, Darryl did tell me that joke, so... Oh! Darryl's funny.

Andy, do you like being alone with me right now? No, this is horrifying.

? Why did my temporary boss go on a shooting spree? ?

You were in hysterics and my maternal instincts kicked in.

That is between me and my diary.

True, I might have been the second choice, but I was the first choice's first choice.

This has got to stop. - I can't get down. Ke-- Kevin!

First item on the agenda-- Can I get everyone an extra long Columbus day weekend? Item number two-- Connect with the guy. Robert California-- What does he think of me? Don't know. Super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.

Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no?

Attack! Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. Will you stop? Dwight! Dwight! Go for it!

When I was a salesman, I could just be like, 'not my job, not my prob. I'm going to the warehouse to Polish my knob.' Metaphorically, of course.

Stanley-- You may think he's a lazy grump, but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office? And you may think he's hard to love, but did you know that he's in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships?

Meredith Palmer, supplier relations-- The word 'no,' not even in her vocabulary.

And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of native Americans. - I don't care.

Andy interrupting for tie advice during important meeting

Andy's nickname system: 'C-span' for Oscar

Explaining the nickname: 'Cocker spaniel. Spaniel 'cause of your Spanish bloodline, cocker 'cause...'

Andy's Neil Patrick Harris reference confusion

Kevin quoting Andy calling his ex-wife a [bleep] and saying he [bleep] hated her guts

Andy's song about shower sex with his ex-wife

Andy's ice cream guessing game with Robert

The cold coffee incident - Erin serving old coffee as 'cold beverage'

Andy claiming he's 'been craving a freezing cup of old coffee' to cover for Erin

The doubling sales demand and Andy's overconfidence

Andy's leg falling asleep during his own meeting

Andy singing 'Rub a dub dub with the apricot scrub' while working

Andy's incentive prize reveal under the blanket

Andy's escalating tattoo promises: dress (500 points), naked run (1,000 points), ass tattoo (5,000 points)

Doughnut on dingdong description for the 1,000 point reward

'The stern of the old SS Bernard' - Andy referring to his butt

Andy calling his business school professor about 'classic ass-tattoo incentive situations'

Andy's realization: 'But my ass is only so big. I mean, I can't do this every day.'

Andy's declaration: 'Let's ink my stink!'

Andy's philosophy: 'My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.'

Andy's reaction to cotton swab: 'That was just a cotton swab.' 'Invest in softer cotton, sir.'

Final tattoo reveal: 'It's a nard dog.'

The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. $950,000. And then they quit.

This is it. This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work.

To down here, like Mr. T. And this would get seriously annoying.

Jim, how about you? Yeah. I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should... Okay, no, no. That... You are so not... Oh, God.

That is not Darryl. I don't know where Darryl is. I suspect, probably, our Darryl is inside of Fat Darryl.

What? No Newhart fans? Okay.

Maybe grab a coffee, or if there's any donuts out, you can split one. You know, they're for everybody, so people get fussy. You know what? Just have a donut.

Is this a joke? No. Not joking. This is real. Painfully real, what is happening right now.

Then I think you should fire me. I'm not going to fire you. Yeah, just put me out of my misery.

Who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy? Bulk or definition? Definition. Bruce Kenward. He hangs out at Planet Fitness.

Would you just fire me, man? Because you didn't win the lottery?

Great billboard! Funny, edgy, right up to the line without crossing it. Loved it. Which one did you see? Washington street. The one with like 20 dongs on it.

This is not a picnic, Phyllis. It's a garden party. There's a grill in the warehouse I could bring. Ugh, please don't. Not a barbecue. It's better than a barbecue. It's dignified, quieter, there are rules. How is that better than a barbecue?

Connecticut casual. Any chance Connecticut casual is Pennsylvania business? I.E., this is what I'm wearing to your party.

One, a pot of marmalade. Oh, that sounds great. Well that-- that is what you want then, the marmalade? Sure. You don't want to hear the other one? You love marmalade? I'll hear the other one. It's a basil plant!

Mabel, mabel, if you're able, keep your elbows off the table.

Did I throw this party to impress my parents? That's crazy. Now, if they wanted a garden party, they could throw one themselves. Which, as a matter of fact, they did last week. They threw one for my baby brother. And it was totally amazing, but I couldn't care less.

What are you going to see? Moneyball. Walter Jr.'s choice.

Oh, I thought you were going to bring the marmalade. No, I'm certain you said, 'basil.'

Toasts are great. I mean, you toast somebody, they toast you back. It just goes round and round. That's my favorite part about toasts. The reciprocity.

♪ Saying I love you, is not the words-- ♪ It's too high. Yeah? Right? It's high, but it's not that high. Right, it feels strange. Just take it down. ♪ Saying I love-- ♪ ♪ saying I love you-- ♪ You know, just give it-- Just give it to me. Yeah.

Is anyone filming this? Seriously? Erin! Yeah, it's either taping or calling.

What are you doing there, buddy? What's going on? Cheers, cheers, cheers. Get your own guitar.

Hello, Cece Halpert? This is Andrew Bernard. I'd very much like to speak with you about your paper supply needs. That wasn't even my worst sales call.

Cheeseburger or hamburger? Um, cheeseburger? Nard-dog.

I've three simple rules. Don't be offensive, don't be cliche, and don't take the first two rules too seriously.

Oh! Wow. Spoiler alert! It's been out for ages, man. Costume vetoed.

Every Halloween, I tell him the same thing. You can't bring weapons into the office. And every year, he says the same thing. 'Soon as I get my weapons back, I'm gonna kill you.' But there I am at Thanksgiving, alive, you know? I'm the lucky turkey.

Everybody looking good? This is-- this is the best we can do? I'm not judging, I... I think you guys look great. I just...Wanna make sure. This is the best we can do?

I just got a text from Broccoli Rob--'boo!' It scared me. And then I got this text from Robert California-- 'looking forward to Halloween party. Expectations are high.' Scared the [Bleep] out of me.

What are you doing? Oh, I just wanted to see how you do it. If you're doing something I don't.

Uh-oh, looks like we're under a Jack attack. Yes, Andrew. And you, on this day of fantasy, are...A laborer.

November's sure creeping up, ain't it? / Can't stop that month.

And maybe we could mix a little more 13 into the PG.

But that's it? / There's nothing about me, or...I?

Did you think I was gonna fire you? / No, I wasn't. / I'm sorry, this must be really uncomfortable for you. / I'm never uncomfortable.

31. / Wow. / I'm so happy for you guys. Um, let me know when you get to 40.

Hey, everybody! It's closing time! You all gotta go home but you can stay here.

Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day, it's weird.

You know what? Fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys, but if you don't wanna sing, no traditions!

Did you need something from us? Yes. Your attention. Uh, because... No. That is all.

Do not go there! You're the deuce I never wanna drop.

something bad happens, like we block mindsweeper.

Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day, it's weird.

You know what? Fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys, but if you don't wanna sing, no traditions!

Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two? Do not go there! You're the deuce I never wanna drop.

Business is war!

So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten, with a little help from my friend-- America's bloodiest battle.

What's the halal option?" "Dates, tabbouleh, and a bagel with cream cheese." "Out."

You know, it's the same as the Kosher option. There's a lesson in there.

You're not my slaves. Thanks to Gettysburg.

And-- Oh. You missed your head. There you go.

a little foreplay before we do it.

Fun fact-- In France, they call Limitless "The Man With Many Capabilities."

Unless you're going on the very specially-created and meticulously-researched Andy Bernard Tour.

They stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called lunch.

Hunger for hamburger. Hunger for chicken chimichangas. Right, Darryl?

I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin. Cost me $200. Only $200?

Our office has a disease, and it goes by many names-- Sarcasm, snark, wisecracks. You take things that people care about, and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes.

Andrew Baines Bernard... I love filling these out 'cause it's like Oh, I'm taking a test but I know the answers

That's why my foundation, the Dream For A Wish Foundation, is gonna put them out of business

We're 100% staffed up... Andy, let's see if there's a good fit first then we'll talk

What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis's classic room-clearing farts right now

Say 'hello, grandma.'... Hi, gam-gam

We promised we'd never say good-bye

Okey-dokey, artichokey

My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he? Yes. The dude is an enigma

Robert storms in and he says 'In four seconds my wife's gonna be in here, I told her she could work here, Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.' You lying son of a bitch

He just rolled out and crawled out

Andy claiming to be 'the first office Santa ever to make holiday wishes come true'

'I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. Might not have been the best idea'

Andy giving Jim property on the moon 'Directly adjacent to the Sea of Tranquility. Beachfront.'

'She's not your grandmother is she?' 'Gam-Gam's name is Ruth, Jim'

'Only thing that's not serious by the way, our repartee'

Andy saying 'Moe-nay' instead of 'Money'

'My ex is meeting my sex. Which is always scary. You know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis. That's just part of it'

Andy's philosophical question about friends who aren't sleeping together staying friends

Meredith's treasures vs junk argument: 'It's my valuables' 'It's junk' 'No, they're my treasures' 'You're a hoarder'

'Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now'

'Oh, man I was supposed to tell Dwight something. Come on, Jim'

There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper!

Let's get high on our own supply!

And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us.

I need to sell the $2,200 of paper that's in my garage.

So make that error! / I can make that error.

this is a gay bar. / Wait, what? / Everyone in here is gay? / Yes! It's a gay bar!

Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here.

Let's reverse engineer this. You're a black singer, where do you go? Somewhere where you're a novelty. Alaska?

How am I supposed to know what was on his mind? Oh, what do blind people think about? Okay, dogs, canes, signs, manholes, stairs, piano, darkness.

Ladameon Washington.

So, the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands, and brains, of Kevin, Meredith, Erin, and Kelly. Do I like these odds? My answer is no.

Dial it back, this isn't tail feathers, okay?

A fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So, if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one.

First prize is $4,500 dollars! / Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home.

Pump the brakes, Bernard

I haven't proposed to anyone in years

Mom took the main diamond out. She thought that had more of a 'my little brother' kind of vibe to it

How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain. Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. Couple of dopes on the slopes.

It's monogamy for my hog and me

You're an idiot

How did you know it was mine? The Bernard family seal, duh. Duh

Stress is like the uptight mayor of a town who's saying 'Hey, we're uptight You can't dance.' And then, you have to be like 'Oh, yeah, Mayor Stress? Well, watch this.' And then, we dance.

Sex also works

Hey! Tuna He's back

Tuna wrap Okay... Hand roll

Makes me question the whole judicial system

(MOCKING) He apologized And I just really want him to like me. Mmm!

No one's ever lied to me before

They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps

My nickname was actually King Butt because I had a king-sized butt

Usually I'm a burrito guy but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink

Wait, wait, you live by the courthouse You drove from near the courthouse out to Jim's house and then back to the courthouse? Thirty minutes out 30 minutes back easy hour

And I would watch that cute, little tooshy scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning and that was that

I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim, I can't keep spinning gold out of your (BLEEP)

Why am I shorter than the table that I'm standing next to?

Andy greeting Pam with exaggerated punching gestures: 'Look what I can do now that she's no longer pregnant. Bam! Bam! Bam! Pam'

Dwight's over-the-top reaction to promotion news: 'You can't tantalize me' / 'Oh, maybe I can'

'Did you know frogs can hear with their lungs? And that flamingos can have orgasms that last 30 minutes' - Andy's random facts

'Love to learn. Yeah, it's weird that I said that last one' - Andy's self-awareness

'We're pin twins' exchange between Andy and Erin about matching pins

'When I saw it at CVS it made me gag, too' - Andy's response about the gag gift

'Moshi moshi' - Andy's phone greeting

'Stop calling us "guys" when I'm nervous, guys Guys, guys, guys. Guys. ALL: Stop it ALL: Stop! Stop it!'

The escalating time negotiation: 'Five to six hours... Three to four hours... two to three hours... over the next hour... Thirty minutes I'm out'

'I don't think it's a good idea for you to clear your head any more than it has been already a workplace where the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality'

'Well No. No! Absolutely not You are not going! Over my dead body, no.'

'Jim is essential Hold on. I just want to get it on camera. Andy, Jim is just too Essential This is stupid! Cut'

When I first met Pam she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful but I hate her

Well, you used to be Well, I'm not the receptionist I know but I can't cover reception I have a ton of work to do

I'm acting like I like Reception, and I'm a really good actor so people are actually buying that p actually like Reception. But I mean, seriously, Reception sucks

Mail call His name is Oscar, and he's got some mail And he better open it or go to jail, 'cause it's your taxes His name is Kevin, and no mail for him But he got a coupon for some frozen yogurt

It is the end of the day. It is the end of the week. We managed to fill 40 hours somehow.

I can't be hypnotized, Dwight. I tried it, I ended up smoking more.

- Theater. - Waste of time. - Dragging. - That's just a verb. Dragging sticks.

English peoples' main use today is judging American talent. [British accent] You're crap. You're wonderful. They're-- they're mean, but they're incisive.

I'm not allowed to say it's mandatory, so let's just call it 'compulsory.'

Yes, the conference room is set up. I've got pens, I've got paper, I've got a whiteboard. - We are good to go! - Say what? We are good to go! - Say what? - We're good to go! - Stop it. Stop it. - Stop. - Say-- - Andy.

Ball droppings can be beautiful. For example, when it turns an awkward soprano into a rich, full tenor.

I'll have a glass of your oakiest chardonnay, please. And I will have a waffle with your mapliest syrup.

Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying here in Florida if she didn't want me to make some sort of last-ditch, nothing-to-lose, Kelly ka-who run at her?

I went south of the border for this. And then I went south of that border. And we have ourselves... [Jamaican accent] A Jamaican feast, man.

Don't play dumb with me. I know what's up. Honey, I am not sleeping with-- Hey! Hey... Let's get back to the food. Brandon tell us about these delicious-looking goops.

Yeah, they keep them on 'cause it's less expensive than turning them on and off. I like how guys just know stuff all the time.

[Whispers] Get down. It's the fuzz. Shh! Do you want us to get scolded? Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth, please.

We could get a dog. We could go to R-rated movies. And who knows, I mean, you're a guy, I'm a girl-- Yeah? - We could be roommates. - Really? - Maybe in six months-- Six months?

I got Romy And Michele's High School Reunion.

Don't care. Tell me later.

How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here? We should call the police right now! No! No, no, no, no, no, we don't need to call the police.

Because I have neighborhood pride. 1-8-5-0-5. - 1-8-5-0-5. - Guys, guys. That's so vague. You gotta do the zip plus 4. 1-8-5-0-5... Dash 7-4-2-7!

Toby is teaching us self-defense. Me? Toby, will you teach us self-defense? Yeah. Um... I can't believe you remembered I do self-defense.

Um, I'll go put on my cup. Great.

What if you're being attacked by a... Smallish man who happens to not have a groin?

What if you're being attacked by a 4'11" man who's penisless?

Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby, and then like a fifth-grade girl, and then, you know, if we have time, on up to a scary man.

What can the attacker then do to better protect himself? It's interesting that you're drawn to the point of view of the attacker.

I believe my daughter had an altercation with somebody here, some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice? I think you guys might have the wrong office. That's him... The guy I hit.

Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your 'thin' girlfriend. How 'bout we wait till next year after you have your kid?

There's no shame in getting beaten up by a girl. My ex-wife used to demolish me. No, there is shame in it, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere.

little things can be dangerous. Whether it's a Gremlin or Chucky The Doll-- The key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace or a tub of electricity.

Good point? What is a tub of electricity? - I don't-- I don't--

It's a 12-year-old female bully. - I was a 12-year-old bully. - Great! I think Kelly should attack Toby.

God! My good eye! Oh, boy!

You know why I got hit by girls? Because I stood up for others... Pam and Toby. I stepped in, and I didn't care that I was standing up to girls.

You may wanna ask yourselves, 'where were you when the girls came?'

Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of pain killers, drank half a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good!

Oh! Now mine's broken. Hang on. Oh, there we go. Aghh!

Yes! This is too tan. This right here. No! This is a tan spot. I don't buy it. That is a freckle. That is not a tan.

I want you looking totally puertoriquena when I see you.

♪ oh, baby, telephone ♪ ♪ and tell me I'm your own ♪

You're about to close four tabs, are you sure you want to continue? Yes. I am sure. Ahh! Slow computer!

Florida flu.

My heart is my map. Turns out Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map, right?

Thanks a lot, B.P.

I just have to cross a few 'T's and dot a few 'I's.

Proctology.

I got the serious poops.

If I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other's mouth. It's just stupid.

I just... there's always one around. I always find one. Have you heard of buying a toothbrush? Of course. I own my toothbrush.

And I'll remember you as a gentleman. Okay. That was one minute and ten seconds. Consider it nailed.

She needed a ride because she totaled her car.

Do you want a gummy penis? No, I'll just have some gummy bears. These are delicious. But... they're penises.

Maybe we don't pop that one. No, pop Matthew. Pop it!

Super-honesty time. I'm gay. I am gay, and I prefer men.

I had to imagine that I was in a steam room with John Stamos.

Probably from seeing that turkey. When we drove by the farm. Ohh. Always does it.

Super-duper honesty time. I'm not gay.

I am the famous Andy Bernard you've been hearing all about.

No. Obviously, we'll figure out the, uh, logistics of moving all of this stuff out of here. But... You know, the sooner the better. Get back to normalcy. Hmm, no.

I'm going to dock your pay $100. Okay. Five... four... You can't dock my pay. Angela! Dock Andy's pay $100! On it! Great!

$10,000. 5...4... You're just saying numbers. It's meaningless. It's literally like... 3... 2... One.

Hey. So last night was so not a big deal. Oh, yeah, I was just tired. We both were. Yeah. Plus, I was definitely not my normal sexy self.

Yeah. I know it's not... a big deal.

Oh, those are from our weekend at the Timeshare. Yeah, the fractional ownership property.

When you lost the manager job... Yes? Did it affect you outside of the office? How? I don't know what the technical term is. Hmm. Penial... softiosis.

Washington Monument. Okay. Eiffel Tower. Okay, okay.

I'm gonna prove it right here and now. What are you doing? What is this? Stop that! Dwight! Dwight, stop that. Stop it.

Dad, don't think of it as a demotion. Just think of it as a promotion to a lower level.

Our sex life is none of your businesses! And Andy is the manager, not Nellie! Stop protecting me. I'm a man-- I can protect myself.

Dad, go to hell! I'm taller than you!

And why don't you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens... and your dumb caramels? And your stupid face! And your stupid office! Ah! Ow.

Oh, boo! Boo! Pam. Boo to you! Boo! You are toxic. You are toxic!

Andrew, if you say no one more time, you're fired. So... is there anything else you wanna say? No.

I can't describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time, I actually feel in control. I feel... alive.

Did anyone order a blast from the past with a side order of sexy?

Because I want to shake your body.

Where do I look? It's been so long since I did one of these things.

The hero lives in this dystopian future and he flies around in a spaceship that's shaped like a treble clef.

Although he's humanized at the end because he weeps uncontrollably and pees in his pants.

We're flying so high we're cracking the sky Going to fly out of this dome My girlfriend and I

And a high five. Let's do that again.

I will take all of those dogs.

Hello, everyone. I'm Andy Bernard and I am going to take that bitch home.

That is a female dog reference. This bitch understands loyalty. Sassy human reference.

Stupid dog.

Three days on a mountain. It'll change you. The things we think we need. Clocks! Yeah, right.

They called me 'iceman.' You will be called Plop. What? Why? 'Cause you're always taking dumps.

You will be called Fart. Because you fart all the time. I love it!

Whoa! Mind blown! It's like father and son.

I ate a worm.

Now I know why Michael hated you so much.

But if you Toby out, then you'll feel like a real Nellie.

Hey, all right. Whoa, you suck.

Who ordered the hot apple fail?

Well, it's official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool.

I give to a foundation that teaches homeless children nautical flag signaling... Changes Lives.

I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling.

Something low-cut, because the camera makes everything seem higher-cut. Really? Yeah, industry secret.

Thank God someone here knows what they're talkin' about.

Cronkite was hot. If I could go back in time, I'd take that moustache ride.

Now, I'd say Clark could be your co-host. He's already doing camera. Somebody who's already got rapport with Erin, maybe. I don't know.

Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here.

Darryl said, 'cool, man.' He called me a cool man.

Right on, brother. Word dat.

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes by Paul Simon, featuring, Ladysmith African-American Mombazo.

We merely transported them. Which, at worst, makes us amoral middlemen.

What if I said that my dad beat me, and I just left out the croquet of it all?

Andy presents 'Summer Softball Epic Fails' - a compilation video of their team's mistakes

Andy suddenly shifts to a 'solemn moment to remember Jerry in the warehouse, who passed away this year'

Oscar: 'That was just normal video with you making vulgar noises.' Andy: 'Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar.'

Andy's hourglass monologue with baroque dependent clauses while refusing to pause the timer

Andy: 'A baby what? A human?'

Andy's paranoid response: 'Fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so.'

Andy's talking head: 'If she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah, I'll sign that.'

Andy's medical circulation excuse met with 'Boy, I will hammerspank your rear'

Andy's response to pie demands: 'All right! The fat people have spoken!'

Andy on Toby's letter: 'It's inaccurate, dishonest, and in a word, dong water.'

Andy's reference letter changes: 'She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents'

Andy's shabooya: 'My name is Andy / I don't do drugs / Now check the style / Of Flatt and Scruggs!'

I could have sworn I saw some Treble somewhere.

You went to Cornell? Yeah. Okay, ha, ha, ha, ha.

They might actually call me up to solo on George Michael's Faith. That was one of my signature songs.

When I got the nickname Boner Champ, that is when I became me.

Did you say you've got AIDS? No, I don't have AIDS. That's not what I said.

You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ? I thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.

Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ.

I had sex with a snowman. I just went at that thing. Cold would've stopped most people, but I stayed locked in.

And I told Phyllis not to put it out, but she insisted, so anyway...

No, do not sing that. Do not... man.

If I am not Boner Champ... I don't know who I am.

Her name is 'mom.'

My parents are broke.

Totally, except it is a no-go. This boat was the heart and soul of our family, so... What else we got? Non-boat ideas.

I worked at a Jiffy Lube. See? I bet you wouldn't sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world, would you, Darryl? I would if I owned it and I went broke.

What are you going to do? Cry about it? Excuse me.

Help! My teeth are all messed up in my mouth.

All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But Dad wouldn't let me. He said, 'You can't be a skipper until you're a man.' You know, I'd reach for the wheel and he'd just smack my hand away.

Don't do that. Oh, it's okay. My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight. You know what? Get some dinner, on me... No. Nope. Can't do that.

Damn it! Screw you, Dad!

Andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man. Fine, but I could have. As long as we're on this boat, as far as I'm concerned, you're the captain. I am the captain. Yeah. Right? Yeah! I'm the captain.

I think it was yesterday. I thought you were in rehab. Yeah, I just, uh... I figured I'd get that first relapse out of the way.

but I've decided to sail it to Bermuda. Bahamas, Andy. Same thing.

That Swayze sure can dance dirty.

They're like two flaming meatballs in my skull.

No, Woman. No Cry.

also helps me combat the glare bear. That's what I call the sun now.

Ow! Oh! Oh, no. Ah. That's not good.

Andy falling overboard during dramatic speech

saw Life of Pi, got super depressed and introspective. Gonna hang out here a while. Maybe a couple of weeks.

Well, we created a fake profile for a really cool guy named Derek McBlack. Wow.

It's just Pete in sunglasses. Oh.

It's called bembe. ♪ Yoruba yoruba aruba yoruba yoruba yoruba aruba raruba ♪

It's in every bembe cafe.

Just say the word 'coolio.'

that was not... how I had hoped that would go.

♪ Who's that girl? ♪ It's Andy.

I am speaking metaphorically, of course. You know I have lots of irons in the 'fire.' Well, that's one of 'em, you know. Making sure that the warehouse logistics is a well-oiled, properly-stoked fire.

I mean, my parents lasted 30, 40 years. They were never happy at the same time.

I know you may not be feeling love for me right now, but if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference. So I'll feel good.

Andy's elaborate defense of his lies about being in the office while sailing, claiming Oscar says hi 'all the time' in multiple languages

Andy lamenting missing his beard like 'a security blanket' after his breakup

Andy's butchered Bon Jovi reference: 'That's a poem by J.B. Jovi'

Andy's confessional: 'Vanilla Ice. He was a band.'

Andy breaks down crying mid-greeting to camera

Andy's talking head becomes increasingly emotional with multiple takes

Andy and Jim's passive-aggressive sweater exchange

Andy coining nicknames: 'Nard Dog, Plop, and Clarker Posey, A.K.A. Clarkwork Orange'

Andy gathering the men: 'Darryl, Clark, Kevin, Toby, plop, take a knee.'

Andy's chlamydia lie: 'I just got off the phone with my doctor, and turns out I contracted ch-lamydia from Erin. And it's incurable.'

Andy's improvised firing song: '♪ So you had a bad day / ♪ You're a big idiot, get out of my office ♪'

Andy reading relationship contract: 'Every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch.'

Andy's Juliet comparison: 'I feel like the guy Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss.'

Kevin's booger observation and Andy's response: 'My whole life is a booger bubble.'

Andy's crude translation: 'the ol' one-two punch to my scrotum pole, translation--penis, translation--my manhood'

Packer can go to hell.

Yeah, I didn't see you last night at all. Nope, I did not see you either.

What's going on? Did Gangnam Style put out a new song?

I must have really connected with this guy. I mean, that's a guy's name, right? Chobblegobbler?

Dear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not!

Hey, TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there, check this out.

Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in.

I just got the text and started screaming, 'Red alert.'

Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that's-- / It's okay. The hell does he know?

I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb

Hello, William Morris Agency. I need to speak with your best agent who represents your biggest stars.

This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, there's more. 251. 252. I can't even keep up!

I mean, I'm happy Angela's the first one getting famous, but... it's a little weird, no? I mean, she can't sing or act, so it's actually kind of insane, if you think about it.

Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakin' movie star!

Actor? / Oh, no. / Well, I have an act. Dog, cat, mouse.

Does anything go on top of the mouse? / Yeah. / Little hat. Yeah. / Aw, that's cute. / What's the mouse's name? / Eh, you know, it really doesn't make sense to name the mice. They're kind of like cannon fodder, you know?

You're not one of those PETA guys, are you?

My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's going out on.

Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility.

Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you, but with Carla you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. / Uh, it doesn't include headshots. / It doesn't include headshots. / No. / Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did.

Last week I got an agent, and uh, this week I got a movie.

It's going to be seen by tons of workers in the industrial chemical community, one of whom could have a cousin whose brother is Brad Pitt, and then boom!

Next thing you know, I'm in Moneyballs 2.

I'm so freaked out by things going into eyes. It just... Wow.

And remember, do not attempt to extinguish a chemical fire with water. It will only exacerbate the flame. The dangerous flame.

Let's do it six more times.

Oh, and, Oscar, I already figured out if I have to get emotional in the film, I'm just gonna think about you getting dumped by the Senator.

It's a little raw. Not cool, Oscar.

That's the clicky-clacker. He clicks that, and then the guy says, 'Action.'

I just made a character choice to be a scientist who really likes what he does and enjoys his job.

It's Tom Brokaw, the newscaster. Come on.

I'm not comfortable doing my own stunts.

I'll get nude if you want me to. I'll go full Lena Dunham, but I...

Carla!

Andy Bernard can't squirt water in his eye and act like it doesn't freak him out. But you know who can? Older Male Lab Assistant Number One.

Which tie makes me look like a guy who likes sofas?

Thin-sliced Tuna. Carpaccio. Go on.

Half the time, I don't know if I'm wearing my stage makeup or my work makeup.

David Walrus in his native habitat.

At my last headshot sitting, I was so distracted wondering what I was missing at work that I came across totally manic. And I was going for zany.

I see no reason to limit myself to just acting. I am pursuing fame of any kind.

I wasn't fired. What are you talking about? I'm fired up. Yes.

The male is a funny species. We don't just tell each other how we feel. That's chick stuff. So instead of saying, 'Hey, Andy, I love you, man. I don't want you to leave,' you say something like, 'Hey, Andy, you're making the worst mistake of your life. You're not talented.'

I was an obese child. I never talk about that here, but Nard-Dog's outta here, so lettin' it all hang out.

Alexander the Great, if he were Cockney.

We lay together. That's something you can't take back.

Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller. It's a great play about crushed dreams. No, this one was written by SpongeBob SquarePants.

When Cortés landed in Mexico, only way he got his men to defeat the Aztecs was by burning all of his own boats so they could never return home. Huge dick move, but very effective.

So I need you to go into my file and put down that I was fired for theft and/or groping wieners.

Okay, all right. Groped you good. Off to Hollywood!

What if I took a dump on your new car?

What we had was great, and, honestly, I think about it a lot, too. Ugh. But I just... It's in the past. No, that's not... ...rehash... No, none... No, stop. It's just... Exactly. Okay.

On this show all three judges are mean!

Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here and sang I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miz? With that baritone? That would be historic.

A cappella is all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch-bitch.

Pour some Sugar Ray on me! On a roll much? I don't know where that came from. That was amazing, man.

Great, more screen time for the war vet. All you got to do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes ga-ga for you.

Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit, or is it a show about singing?

You even look shorter. Oh, I took out my lifts.

Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs. That is very important. Dwight, I'm telling you all the things Ma said after the horse kicked her in the head.

I'm Casey Dean. Be seeing the last of me. Or I meant you won't be seeing the last of me.

Busted. Got it. Yes, all right, tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing. I respect that.

Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges! I went to the bathroom on my boss's car, and I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.

You can't just sit here and cry. I can so just sit here and cry!

This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places. One more for the doc!

Party time, whorehouse. / No. No whorehouse. This is Dwight's night. Okay?

when I started sobbing uncontrollably, apparently, that struck a chord with quite a lot of people. Not a very compassionate chord.

You can't just sit here and cry. / I can so just sit here and cry!

I actually got a call from the Double Rainbow guy and the fat Star Wars kid. Turns out they have a support group. Not really my scene.

A bear hug from my favorite mama grizzly.

I got hated on pretty hard when that auto-tune went viral.

It's like a long book that you never want to end, and you're fine with that because you just never, ever want to leave it. / Like Harry Potter? / Yeah. Like Harry Potter.

Oh, I can so just sit here and cry!

I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.