Michael Scott

So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, Grasshopper?

Just wanted to talk to you manager a manager.

Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. My mistake. That was a woman I was talking to. So. She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker. So...

So this is my kingdom, far as the eye can see.

Pam has been with us, um... for... forever. Right, Pam? Well, I don't know.

If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. Reow, reow.

It's called the wastepaper basket!

Look at that! Oh, look at that face.

People say I am the best boss. They go, 'God, we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious. And you get the best out of us.' Um... I think that pretty much sums it up.

Wassuuuup? I still love that after seven years. Whasuuuup?

I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because, uh... Well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not.

Mmm... me no get an agenda.

Yeah! Uh, that was a joke. That was a joke that, uh, was actually my brother's. And it was... it was supposed to be with bills, and it doesn't work great with faxes.

Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch.

Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing? Ha ha ha ha!

Hey, you big queen! Oh, that's not... appropriate.

Does the carpet match the drapes? Oh, my God. Ohh! That's... horrifying. And horrible. Horrible person.

As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Watch this, this is Moe. Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck! Meeeeh! Ha ha! Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five! Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam.

I'm Hitler! Adolf Hitler...

Sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta! Six Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? $6 million?

People I respect, heroes of mine, would be... Bob Hope. Um... Abraham Lincoln. Definitely. Bono. Uh, and probably God... would be the fourth one.

It's really incalcalacable.

You know, you can go mess with Josh's people. But I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messin' with my chillun'.

You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world, and, which I hate, and it it is a waste of that kind of food.

Pudding. Putting. I'm trying to think what other dessert to do.

Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding?

I am going to have to let you go first. What? Why? Well, theft. And stealing.

You steal 1,000 Post-It notes at 50 cents apiece, and, you know, you've made a profit... margin.

You've been 'Xed,' punk! Surprise! It's a joke! We were joking around! See?

It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. Came to me and said, 'Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?' Wow. Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

I never actually talked to corporate about it, they kind of beat me with the punch, those bastards! But I was going to

That's the thing, it's a very sturdy paper, and on the back it says: 100% post customer contempt.

Oh hey! This is Oscar. / Martinez. / See, I didn't even know, first thing basis.

You know what? This is a color free zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.

What if we go around and everybody, everybody, say a race that you are attracted to sexually, I will go last. Go.

Can we steer away from gay people? I'm sorry it's an orientation, it's not a race. Plus a lot of other racists are also intolerant at gays so, paradox.

First test, I will not call you that! / Well it's my name it's not a test, ok?

Is it because I'm white, and Chris is black?

Every time, every time black people want to have a good time, some biiiip ass biiiip, I take care of my kids!

What do you want? Cookie?

You know I could sign something that says that I taught something or that I helped you teach something so...

That's probably throwing you off. / It's not throwing me, I need your signature.

Signed, daffy duck.

He's gonna lose it when he reads that.

Look, the, the guy Mister brown, he got us half way there, he got us talking. Well no, I got us talking.

Where was the heart, I didn't see any heart, where was my Oprah moment?

I'm gonna have you all in tears.

Hey we are not all gonna seat in circle in it so are we? / Get out! / I'm sorry. / No this not a joke, ok?

This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.

Abraham Lincoln once said that if you're a racist I will attack you with the north.

It was kind of hard to hear. / Uh yes that probably has something to do with the camera work.

Yes, enjoy, absolutely. 'Namaste'.

But what some of you might not know, is that I am also part native American Indian. / What part, native American? / 2/15th / That fraction doesn't make any sense.

Let me ask you is there a term besides Mexican, that you prefer? Something less offensive? / Mexican isn't offensive!

Jim? / Hello?

get it done! Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine

Olympics of sufferings right here Slavery versus Holocaust, come on!

You'll notice, I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive, uh, no pun intended. But I just thought, 'too soon' for Arabs. Maybe next year. You know, the ball's in their court.

Welcome to my convenient store. Would you like some gookie cookie? I have some very delicious gookie cookie, only 99 cents plus taxes try my gookie cookie

that was great, she gets it now she knows what it's like to be a minority.

I just hated it when that guy was in here, Mr. brown? If that was his real name!?

I've brought some burritos, some color greens, some pad thai, love pad thai

doesn't really make sense, cause you don't call it colored people that's offensive

Buena vista Oscar thank you

Pam ! Pamela, Pamelamela Ding Dong ! Making copies.

I give them food. Not directly, but through the money...

Does that make me their doctor?

Yes... In a way... Yeah, like a specialist.

I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the 'gold plan'.

I'm not even on that plan. Well I recommend it, it's very good.

It's not gonna be a popular decision around the old orifice.

Yeah, when have you ever done that? I'm doing it, right now. To you.

No, I have a life. Interesting, what's that like? You should try it sometime. But then who would watch my TV?

how many people can I fire? None, you're picking a healthcare plan.

Yes, I have an office. Bigger than his! No, you cannot use it.

Still no one calling.

Cuts ? what ? Dwight did you make cuts? Yeah you said go in the... No no no no no.

They're out there thinking 'Wow ! My boss really cares about me. He has a surprise, he's cool. What a great guy, I love him. I love him.'

Couldn't find the knock.

This is my world, this is improv, this it 'whose line is it anyway'. Damn it ! damn it ! Jim !

Hey, temp, why don't you take two. Because you don't get healthcare, and faster metabolism.

Hi, I'm Mork from Ork. Well I'm Bork for Smork. anounanouzoubliblublu

Drum roll.

Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.

I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words 'you're fired'

Actually we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.

Spok, is there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check captain. No captain no signs of life down there. Just a wet blanket, named Pam.

Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

These are my party planning biatches

They seem awfully chummy. Don't you think?

I love their sandwich too. Their bread is very good.

all convalescences into... Moral.

That's when they remove the uterus. Ho, God! Dwight no!

You know what if I were allergic to dairy I think I'd kill myself.

Money isn't everything Jim. Not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy.

Son of a bitch! That is impressive, good for him.

Meredith. Let's hope that the only downsizing that happens to you... Is that someone downsizes your age.

Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back

She went into an antique store and they kept her.

Well, I don't know that was anonymous. Guess what? That was Michael Scott. But it was anonymous, how do you know? Because I met him.

I'm sinking a few, you know swish swish swish, nothing but net! And their jaws just drop to the floor.

African Americans!

Here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower.

Assistant to the regional manager. - Same thing. - No it's not. It's lower so. - It's close.

This is our warehouse, or as I like to call it, the whorehouse.

But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.

And here we have 'Miter' Roger's neighborhood'.

You're still getting it regular man? I mean I can tell her it's part of the job.

Well, I'm glad that sometime is a busy time because whenever I'm down here, it doesn't seem too busy to me.

You can dish it out but you can't take it.

Like that dwarf, from 'Lord of the Rings'. - Gimli. - Nerd. - That is why you're not on the team.

Oh ul, I'll ul. Dragon Slayer. Ten point power sword. That's him.

Stanley, of course. - I'm sorry? - What do you play, center? - Why of course? What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know, I don't remember saying that. - I heard it. - People hear a lot of things, man.

But I'm getting paid to skip lunch right? Yes. Yes, this is business. The business of team building and moral boosting.

I will use your talents come baseball season my friend, or if we box.

I have sport's bra. No, no! Ridiculous.

Threat neutralized.

You know, some pink tails, little halter top you can tie that up, and you know something a little... just useful for a change, just this once.

Yeah I bet you would, just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, you know, not in a homosexual way at all, I mean, you know, like the bad at sports way.

Right in your face. Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's.

I like the way you think. You know what I'll take that one step further: Loser works on Saturday.

Classic beginners mistaken, eating before game.

Of course if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke!

So Dwight you have the east German girl.

Ok we'll be skins! - No. Come on Dwight. - What? Shirts on or off? - On! Put it on! - You're sure? - Yes.

Oh come on, what is wrong with me today? Usually hit those.

When I'm playing hoops, all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone, in the zone. Three! What's with me today? Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know. I might just be a basketball machine.

What's Dundler Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing, paper works, who cares? Possible downsizing? That's probably going to happen actually.

Is that like the robot?

Football, is like rock'n'roll, it's just... And basketball is like Jazz, you know you kind of... downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like you...

What's going on? You guys are playing like a bunch of girls.

Ouch! How much does it hurt?

Game over! That is it. I'm sorry you know. I hate to do it this way, but you know that's just, we're having a friendly game, it's a shame! This is a damn shame! We're like a family here, and that's just, that won't fly.

Great. Now you see who was work on Saturday, your face.

You guys believed me? Come on... dogs you know, you should know me better than that.

We're coming in Saturday.

Screw corporate! Nobody's coming in tomorrow, you have the day off.

The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did, because we were ahead.

like Meredith or Kevin. I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin Donuts?

Neighbor's hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.

It's fat Halpert

And mine are at home, in a display case above my bed.

TMI, TMI my friend. TMI? Too Much Information. It's just easier to say TMI. I used to say 'Don't Go There' but that's lame.

I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out. - Oh, no you didn't. - I think I did.

To Oscar Martinez, It's the 'Show Me The Money' award!

Will her highness Jan Levinson Gould be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here, Dunder Mifflin Scranton?

Well, you could take the bus, you could work on the way here, sleep on the way home.

You're dropping an A-bomb on me here! - Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you.

No reasons? It was the 05-05-05 party! - It happens once every billion years!

Ok, no that was a fun raiser, I think I made that very clear on the flyers. Fun, F-U-N.

It's a little character I like to do. It is loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters.

We got... the PLO, the IRA and the hot-dogs stand behind the warehouse. Name 3 businesses that have better healthcare plans than Dunder Mifflin.

Here's the problem: There is no open bar because of Jan, and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a 2-drink minimum.

The Dundee award, for longest engagement, goes to Pam Beesly... When will that girl gonna be married? That's what I have to say

We'll see you next year! - Yeah! Oh nuts! Oh gosh!

That's why it's funny, every year that Roy and Pam don't get married it gets funnier!

Don't don't talk don't touch stop it oddment!

how there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad.

Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music and I'm not afraid to use it, Devin.

please, please, do not drink and drive, because you may hit a bump, and spill the drink.

I did, and why didn't you Stanley? - I did, my wife's name is Terry. - Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terry. - It's this person whose hand I'm holding Michael.

I was out on a very very hot date last night with a girl from HR Dwight. - Really? We don't have any girls from HR. - I know that, for the sake of the story.

When she had me fill out six hours worth of paper work. - Like an AIDS test? - No... god.

This says bushiest beaver. - What? I told them busiest... idiots!

Herro everybodeeee.

Ryan the temp!

The Tight Ass award goes to Angela, not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has a great caboose!

Spicy curry, what's that mean? - Not everything means something, this is a joke. - Yeah, but why did you give it to me? - This is a bowler! - I know! They didn't have any businessmen so...

I got Dwight, sucking the funny out of room

this is the 'don't go in there after me' award, it's for the time that I went to the bathroom after him and it was really, really smelly

It is the whitest sneakers award, because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!

So I killed, almost!

Yes that too but I mean with the audio, great work!

50 signs your priest might be Michael Jackson

I am king of forwards

We're like Friends. I am Chandler. And Joey. And, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.

So the monkey does the sex thing right... here! That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Because it's nature, educational.

What has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom? This guy!

Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best friends forever.

Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another. And we brought 'em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them.

It was awesome.

We're talking 'blonde incompetent,' right? Like, uh, ten words a minute. Talking.

They are women, right? Oh, wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it! I said it.

That Todd Packer can do anything. Except pass that breathalyzer.

You a big William Hung fan? Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?

As a child did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?

I'm going to forward it like it's hot. Yes! Old school.

Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.

But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands. And I just can't wait to see how you handle it.

A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night. And he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, 'Hey, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?'

This is what's at stake.

Let's just act every day like Pam's mom is coming in.

She wasn't that hot. Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!

Oh, my God. Put on a shirt! I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European.

Pam, you will be girl A. And girl B will be... Okay, we'll use the doll.

That's what she said... That's what she said... No, but... okay.

I banged this girl right here. Yes, this is the one. You banged her? Right here. You are a naughty girl.

The girl in the video we're watching that corporate gave us. Darryl banged her! And... He's about 90% sure.

You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.

And you can consider this my retirement from comedy.

Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so... That's what she said!

You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first.

So I'm not in trouble? I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting corporate that I forget that I am corporate.

Mo' money, mo' problems.

She goes, 'Oh, my God. That's incredible. Where are we going?' He goes, 'I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five.' Boom!

Like a grandmother. I'm the same age as you, Michael. We're the same high school class.

Well, I have a late birthday and usually September is a cut off point...

Come here. Give me a kiss. Michael, come on, you don't have to worry. I'm not gonna... I'm not worried. Report you to HR. You know what? The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner.

And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.

I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl, so I'm wise, and I have worms.

So... oh breakfast I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. Yummy yummy ! thank you Ryan.

The sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. But thank you, and why don't you just take a couple hours, office is yours, home alone, risky business. Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you wanna do ? I'm just gonna take a nap in my car until work starts.

Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote, unless you own a property and they threw you in the stacks, and then humiliate you.

Ah, most honorable Pamera not offensive because that's the way they talk in movies.

No ? Ok well could you get on that ? cause I don't just read Cracked.

Dwight it's 50° outside don't, please - But then no one could see us. I... just... would you... put it up ? Ok, fine. Just leave it down. whiner !

Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang on and swing from this tree, pushing back... Wait, no it's this one, right here.

So that's what this sound is all day !

Hey how are you ? Nice to meet you Bill. Bill, mister Bill, oh noooooo, mister Bill, oooooooh. S&L ? When they pull him apart.

This is smaller than your old place. Yes, well I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So it's still an upgrade.

I am going to put a surround sound system, I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall... owww terrible idea

Oh man, these babies are thin !

10 year fixed, over 30, 30 year total - Ow 30 years ! - Ok, ok. Wow you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies.

Hey look cool ! carpenter ends.

Where are all the hot people ? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles, Who told you that ? And as far as I can I tell, I'm the best looking person here.

There's a basic principle, in real estate, that you should never be the best looking person in the development. It's sort of a common sense, because if you are, then you'll get no place to go but down.

I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed, I'm a home-owner, right ? Good to be a home-owner, diversifying, this is good.

And that is why I am going to let you move in to my third bedroom, and pay me rent.

Why did I do it ? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts, I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back with 500 $ plus utilities.

What the hell is a terrarium ? It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards. Oh, so an aquarium.

Yeah, well you know what nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst ! People loved beets ! Nobody likes beets. Everyone loves beets. Nobody likes beets Dwight.

You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now, not a beet.

What is going on ? Nothing. Guys, time is still going, or... That's my stopwatch.

I don't really know what to say, I'm not one for making speeches, but... My heart is very full at this moment.

Why are you playing the national hymn ? Cause your condo is in America. Oh.

What the hell is that ? Those are the doves.

It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile.

If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so that you could still be friends with the person firing you?

Wish I could fire Sherri. Hey, I'm still here.

These are people's lives you're talking about.

Why did you put it off until Halloween? Because it's very scary stuff.

So it's a man? No. Or a woman. A human life.

And sometimes you just let it go to voice mail.

I'm gonna need you to find 50 grand in the numbers. But we don't keep two cents... Just, you know, find it.

Pretend that your jobs depend on it.

Soccer ball and cleats. Why is that? Bend It Like Beckham.

Jim, definitely. No, Jim brings in money.

Although it does make sense to fire the least popular, because it has the least effect on morale.

You're right. I didn't even think of him. No, Michael. Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.

Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice.

You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well, then you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible.

Out of loyalty to this company... Oh, you idiot.

If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody. But then you wouldn't have me here. Big deal.

I'm going to kill myself! And it's your fault!

Michael Scott here. I'm gonna kill you for firing me.

Let's fight it. Let's call Jan, and fight this thing together like the old days. What old days?

You gotta go with you gut, man. Well... No, I can't... No. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot.

In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's. From me.

You know what? You guys are getting all of these. Grab it, grab it.

'I don't want to work,' 'I just want to bang on this mug all day.'

Here's the bizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you.

Why is that secret? / Hello. Oh, God. Busy work. Ah, get away, get away. Cretin.

Shalax, Pam. Stop Pam-MSing.

What if there's a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No I can't. Because we don't have any emergency contact information.

Because Pam said it wasn't a priority. Think. Think with your head Pam.

That's the problem with being a boss, is that when you are tough, they resent you, and when you are cool, they walk all over you. / Catch-22. / Catch-22, yes.

This is Michael Jackson, calling from Wonderland. / You mean Neverland? / This is Tito.

This is Mike Tyson.

And this is more of a ying yang thing. The Michael is all cursive, Scott all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or duality of man.

Michael. Could you beat up Michael? / Yeah, I don't think that would happen. / Cause we're friends. / Because I would kick his ass.

So? I've beat up black belts. Yeah. / How'd you know they were black belts? / They told me, after.

I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I'm just lucky I got out.

When you're a jet, your're a jet all the way, right? / You're a jet?

Oh Michael! Sleeper hold. Bedtime for vato. / Stop it. / You are, the weakest link!

But sometimes your best friends, start coming in to work late and, start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments.

Oh, queer! Eye, Queer Eye. That's a good show. Important show.

Well, that would be kind of worthless, because I know a ton of 14 years old girls who could kick his ass. / You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?

When we rented Armageddon... he cried at the end of it. / No... / That was because it was New Year's Eve, and it started to snow at exactly midnight.

'Oh, Bruce Willis, they're going to leave him on the asteroid.'

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather, was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men, then spent the rest of the war in an allied prison camp.

My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough. / He's a purple belt. That's really high. / I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I can murder him.

Watch out Kelly, might sucker punch you. / I didn't sucker punch you Michael. / No, really? In case you didn't remember, I was defending my honor. Like samouraï.

Okay, fine, tit for tit.

If we were in a bar, right now, there would be two punches. Me punching you and you hitting the floor. / No, I'd block your first punch, rending ineffective.

You know what? I have an idea, why don't you just leave right now? Why don't you walk away from the room, okay?

I recognize that. That is Japanese for California roll. / No it's not. / I think it is, a guy told me about that.

Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline. / Wow, that is really interesting.

After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. First person to three wins, alright? / Yes, sensei! / Lot of rules. Lot of rules. On the street, we didn't have any rules. Maybe one, no kicks to the groin, home for dinner.

Okay, purple belt. / Okay, I got it. / No. / I got his pants. / That was my pants. / No points for pants.

Clean technique gentlemen. / Come on. Do that again. Do that again. I dare you.

One point. Two points. Three points. / I said break. / How many points now? / I win, I win. / No, you didn't. / Eight points, nine points.

You talkin' to me?

Raging Bull, Pacino.

Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein. / Next message. / Hey Ryan, this is your girlfriend. And I'm mad.

My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. / You know what the F stands for? / Fudge?

You know what, do yourself a favor. Just leave me as his contact. And I will call the hospital. Cut out the middleman.

Well, if you do anything crazy, give me a shout. / Yeah. Alright, I will, see you Monday.

Let's gang bang this thing and go home.

I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that? / Of course.

So, effective immediately, I am promoting you, from assistant to the regional manager to assistant regional manager.

So I guess this'll just by my office. / No. No. Title change only.

Three month probationary period. Let's just not tell anybody about this right now. / Just a formality? / Absolutely. But not really.

I have so much, to learn, from you. / Yes you do. / Thank you. Sensei.

I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which as we all know is completely ridiculous. But, there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better. Which is what I just did for Dwight.

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

And I think I proved that today at the dojo.

Looks like USA Today.

Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens.

It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.

Power trip.

burning the midnight tequila

Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here.

The same amount of work is done, whether I'm here or not.

Follow it blindly.

Boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you?

Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead.

And... No Gould?

Is Gould dead?

Do you want to talk about it?

Awesome Blossom? I think we should share an Awesome Blossom.

Extra awesome.

told it, not as good as you think. Pick another one.

That is hysterical.

I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe.

I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!

Did somebody say, 'baby back ribs'?

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back

Truth or dare. Tell us about your divorce.

You said, 'World, this is my blood, it's red, just like yours. So love me.'

Going to the go-go.

A gentleman does not kiss and tell. And neither do I.

No Gould.

She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman.

Jan, I defend your honor.

do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior?

To the camera? No.

if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake

This is just the first of many fights we're going to have.

Pam, you're trustworthy. And a woman. - Thank you. Oh no.

Well, no Gould. The Gould has been. Divorce

The vulnerable devorcee gives herself to the understanding with rugged good looks office manager.

We both didn't, I didn't want, we both didn't want it to continue.

When people say it, something's mutual, it never is. But this was mutual.

So she misses me. She missed you.

Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words. - Really? - Oh yes.

Stanley, that's freakin' brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets?

Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year.

That's my girlfriend.

Don't you mean constructive criticism? - What did I say? - You said constructive compliments. That doesn't make any sense.

Well, Kelly. That was neither constructive nor a compliment. So maybe you should stop criticizing my English.

I'm a little confused because first it's all like kissey, kissey. And then it's like all regret. Because, oh, I regret that. But wait, I'm still going to call you.

Not like wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. But I do say thank you, ma'am. But I'm not like, wham, bam. Not that there's anything wrong with wham, bam. If it's consensual.

Well, you're wearing it at the office. And... it, I'm sorry, no offense, but it's really sexy. Please don't smell me Michael.

What should we do to prepare for Y2K?

I thought you read these every week? Well, obviously, this one got stuck in the box. That happens occasionally.

We need a better outreach for employees fighting depression. Okay, alright, enough with the jokes. Nobody in here is suffering from depression.

Tom. Oh, that guy. That guy was weird.

You need to do something about your B.O. Now, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for.

Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring. Was I, Creed?

is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs, because talk about stank.

You need to do something about your coffee breath. - Shut up, shut up, shut up,

Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday? Yeah. What?

Don't sleep with your boss? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?

Okay. Great. Your performance has been adequate. You may leave. Good-bye.

For instance, the time brought in deer jerky for the whole office. That was deer? Gross. - Oh, god, Did not - You liked it.

So my looks have nothing to do with it.

Oh, my God. Oh!

Oh, we have a serious problem here. All right, everybody. Lock the doors. Turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here.

What's your password, Michael? Um, it's... Oh. 1, 2, 3, 4. Yes.

Look at at this. Grr!

Okay, if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job. Okay?

There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary. That would depress them. His bed.

Sorry I didn't write back sooner. I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late.

Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers.

I will destroy everything in my path. Actually, we just... Boop! Beep! Bop! Okay. Bonk! Boop boop. Oil can. Oil can. Tin Man.

The problem is that when people hear the term 'Big Brother' they immediately think it's scary or bad. But I don't. I think, 'Wow. I love my Big Brother.'

No.

But maybe I need to be even approachabler.

This is a meal in a cup right here. Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmm.

The professors would go to the parties? Yeah. They were the most fun. We always invited them.

Oh, it's the best. It is the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.

Liar! You are a liar. No, I'm not! Ohh.

I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight. Clarinet.

Think about this. What is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies or in real life? Somebody has a gun. That's why I always start with a gun because you can't top it. You just can't.

I'm not even in the scene! Boom! Boom! Boom!

Wow. Who opened the morgue for this thing?

He is a good guy. Not a terrorist.

We're making love!

The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street and a race car pulls up. And the guy says, 'Hey, you're funny. You're the funniest guy I've ever seen. Or my name is not Dale Earnhardt.' And that was an improv.

Um, the real way was that I found a flyer.

That's what she said.

And B: I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year.

And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.

Ho ho ho! Pimp! I'm kidding!

Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me.

So I guess some good came out of firing Devin after all. Maybe I should call him, tell him that.

I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lampshades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party.

Like booze ever killed anybody.

Not great. Sorry, everybody. I think the tree looks nice.

Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, 'Hey, man, I love you... this many dollars worth.'

Wasn't there a $20 limit on the gifts? / This is 400 bucks. / You don't know that. / Yeah, you left the price on.

So Phyllis is basically saying, 'Hey, Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year. But I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth.' I gave Ryan an iPod.

We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap! / What is Yankee Swap? / I thought that was called Nasty Christmas. / Yeah, we call it White Elephant.

Everyone wants the iPod. It is a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.

See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom. Reverse psychology. Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it. But, basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.

Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets... Christmas.

Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

15 bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.

Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee!

Lampshade on the head! It's happening!

Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.

Stanley...bo banley. / Banana fana fo fanley. / Me mi mo manley. / Stanley.

Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow? / Maybe, I don't know. / Not maybe, yes or no. / Well, no, but... okay, don't spoil it for everybody.

In January? / It's cheaper.

I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that? / No, this is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're going to learn plenty. This is going to turn your life around, Ryan. / I'm already in business school.

Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit? / To throw you off the scent. / Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit. / Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it. / I took the tags off already. / Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just-we're not going to pay for a bathing suit.

I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... It wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But, it talked about the actual course.

Leader...ship. The word ship is hidden inside the word leadership. As its derivation.

Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace. / A furnace? / Yeesh, how old is this ship?

I mean who saw the movie 'Titanic'? / Not really sure what movie you're talking about. / You sure you got the title right? / 'Titanic'? / I think you're thinking of 'The Hunt for Red October'.

Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned. / No, thank you, spoiler alert.

They're happy down there in the furnace room. And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty. And they're singing their ethnic songs.

Actually, that might be warehouse. / What? / The, no, no. No I didn't... okay, well, the...

Pam, you are Mary Ann. We have... The Professor and Ginger. Welcome aboard. Angela, you are Mrs. Howell. Lovey.

I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan. / Cool. / Actually, I'm the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan. / Oh, I'd rather die.

In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebul-ose.

Hey look. I'm king of the world!

Not only am I your ship's captain, I am also your party captain! / And I'm your party captain too!

If the boat's a-rocking, don't come knocking. / Michael. / What?

You guys, it's like we're in high school and we're at the cool table.

Piss slop who cares-a?

A-W-E... S-O-M-E, awesome, awesome is what we are we're the football superstars. / We crushed you like 42 to 10.

Not like you 'New Yawkers.'

Not now, Mike, we're doing the limbo! / Ha, ha, that's right, partiers. It's time to limbo, limbo, limbo!

It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body. And communicate.

Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.

So, what's this presentation all about? / It is about...priorities. And making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save? / Women and children. / No, no. Salesmen and profit centers.

That's a stupid analogy. / O-kay, well obviously you don't know anything about leadership.

Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat during Desert Storm. / Wow, you should be the motivational speaker.

I'd like to be engaged. / How did you manage to pull that off?

Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save? / Let's see... the customer. Cause the customer is king. / Not what I was looking for, but a good thought. / He's just sucking up.

You know what, I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up.

Come on, I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices, right? Did I motivate you?

No, it was, it was Captain Jack. / Well.... / Captain Jack! / Could have been either one of us because, pretty much, we were saying the same thing.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, I got an idea, I got an idea. I can marry you right now as captain of the ship, huh? I can marry you as Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin!

No, no, no, no, I want my mom and dad to be there. / Then, I'll give you away! / No, thank you.

Seasick? / Captain Jack says you should look at the moon. / Captain Jack's a fart face.

I'm on medication. / Really? What? / Vomicillin.

The ship, is sinking. Okay? We're going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that.

Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake. And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboats.

I'm in the brig, see? Boat's not as corporate friendly as advertised.

If he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet.

What happened to you? / Captain Jack has a problem with authority.

Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged. / She was always engaged. / Roy said the first one didn't count.

You know, to tell you the truth, I... used to have a big thing for Pam. So... / Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? I would have never... put you two together. You really hid it well, God!

You know, I made out with Jan. / Yeah, I know.

Well, if you like her so much, uh, don't give up. She's engaged. / B.F.D. Engaged ain't married. Never, ever, ever give up.

Michael dramatically calling for help because he hurt his foot, treating it like a life-threatening emergency

Michael's elaborate George Foreman Grill breakfast-in-bed system explanation

The grill 'clamped down' on Michael's foot

Michael's pronunciation of 'protuberance' as 'protruberence'

Michael admits his weekend girlfriend was 'all made up'

Michael's dramatic entrance demanding not to be freaked out about while clearly seeking attention

Pam correcting 'cooked your foot' to 'burned my foot' with Michael's indignant response

Michael's job description for Pam: 'Your job is being my friend'

Michael wanting family member treatment for 'serious physical trauma' vs Pam offering aspirin for being 'fussy'

Michael's 'bloody stump of a foot' description

Dwight's elaborate meal preparation - three whole chickens for dark meat, no yams story

Michael asking Pam to rub butter (Country Crock) on his foot

Michael falling off toilet and getting stuck between toilet and wall

Michael requesting Ryan to 'clean me up a little bit' while stuck

Michael's disability lecture dismissing Phyllis's scoliosis as 'woman's trouble'

Creed's iron lung story and age confusion

Michael's comment about Stanley having 'his fair share of obstacles'

The Stevie Wonder bathroom hypothetical and response 'We love Stevie Wonder'

Michael's dramatic 'I burned my foot!' outburst

Tom Hanks disability analysis - Forrest Gump, Philadelphia, and Big confusion

Stanley doing crossword puzzle during disability presentation

Billy the wheelchair user's practical responses vs Michael's assumptions

Tooth brushing taking 'three times as long' mishearing

Born on the Fourth of July reference and Michael's disappointment in Billy

Describing Dwight as 'moon-faced kid who crashed into the pole'

Michael's 'blood coursing through my foot veins' recovery speech

Michael's judgment of Meredith's minivan affecting her dating prospects

Dwight drinking mysterious liquid from under van seat

Michael claiming Dwight can't be fired because 'I don't work in this van'

Michael's 'miraculous recovery' vs Dwight needing CAT scan comparison

Michael's 'That's what she said' theft from Dwight

Doctor telling Michael to 'stop that' during breathing exercise

But if you do your spring cleaning in January, guess what you don't have to do in the spring? Anything.

They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well, I say an empty desk means an... Empty mind. No, that's not... No. That's not what I was gonna say.

Could've used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.

Which is exactly how you'd want to sound if you wanted someone to think you were sick. / That's exactly what I was thinking.

Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.

And it is why I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.

See the game last night? / Which game? / Any of 'em.

So, uh, what's the 4-1-1? Any updates on the 'P' situation? / P-A-M... P-A?

It's grrrrape soda. / Tony the Tiger, you don't hear that much anymore.

Oh, man. You should order milk. Get it?

We're not worthy. We're not worthy.

I will have a chicken breast. Hold the chicken.

Her legs or boobs, or...? / Um, she's easy to talk to, I guess. / Really? She never gets any of my jokes.

What did you guys talk about? / Just, you know, politics. Literature. / I hate you.

I put a cigarette through a freaking quarter. And you know what, Toby? They almost bought from us.

He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. / Pam?

Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis. / No. That was mandatory. / Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.

Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise, or he told you about it on the booze cruise. / Um... okay. / Shut it, Michael. I'm done. That's it, I'm out.

Portrait of a Prostitute. Something... Secrets of a... More Secrets of a Call Girl.

I don't wanna be Shila. I like being Michael Scott.

Spamster!

Pam, plus Spam, plus... Hamster. Right.

Did you get lucky? Boink.

'I am Pam.' Spicoli guy.

Whoa! God! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Is that a bird? No, I don't think it's a bird.

Don't be a wuss. Just get... No, I'm not holding your coffee.

Which I guess I'll be taking. No, no, no. Seriously, I don't mind sharing. No, no, no. Seriously, I'll be in the back.

Don't ape me.

'Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us, so stop having fun. Start pretending to do work.'

if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away

Packer and I once spent a whole day with our pants off.

And when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy.

Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like, a minute. The guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired.

Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. It was hysterical.

Old-fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting.

Sales rules! Yes! Yeah! Yeah!

Should we help them pick up their stuff? No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that.

I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office.

I'm totally gonna win us that box set. Stop. Jethro Tull... Stop it. Stop it. Don't.

Right here I'm gonna put a crisp $100 bill. Seventy, eighty, one, two, three. $83.

What's that? What are you doing? Nothing. I think he's dancing. No, just... That was definitely not dancing.

This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.

I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about. That's not what a hate crime is. Well, I hated it a lot, okay.

What's our punishment? You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly.

My biggest fear is turning into him. Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that. I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse.

You can love a boss like you do a father. I'm not sure that ever happens. Well, okay. Different management styles.

I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them.

'No. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.'

Hello, yes, I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott. Who is this? How did you get this number? Your mom, you gay nerd.

Are you kidding me?

It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand.

What is more important than quality? Equality.

the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her

They ended up turning the break room into a lactation room, which is disgusting.

Oh, sorry. 'Women of the Workplace.'

Clothes, me... Ick.

Toby, come on over. You're a guy... too. Sort of.

Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?

Sort of a BrAngelina thing.

It's a Ram. It's a Ram thing.

Because I am collar-blind.

Michael doing exaggerated forklift moves and sound effects

Michael climbing on dangerous warehouse equipment

Uh-uh, don't... don't shush me. I... that was just... That bothers me too. I was breathing.

That's a good question, Hasselhoff.

Don't get hysterical. I'm not. Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.

Cold front comin' in to the warehouse! Uh-oh! Better put on your ski boots!

How can someone so beautiful be so sad?

Do black people like pizza?

Sometimes, Jan... can be such a bitch. Hey, watch it. Watch it. We have a relationship.

You need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting.

Snow angel! Snow angel!

And you want me to come with you. - No. Opposite of that.

Screwed. What is your problem?

Her words, not mine. She sent me an e-mail this morning.

Fuggit abat it!

Manhattan is the other name.

And I'm gonna go get me a New York slice.

Times Square. Named for all the good times you have when you're in it.

We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there. This is the heart of civilization right here.

There's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there.

Founded of course, by Theodore Rockefeller.

That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live... Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were... She looked like... she looked a lot like Tina Fey.

Come on! No, are you s... When? When I was talking to the fake Tina Fey?

Scranton is great, but New York is like Scranton on acid. No, on speed. Nah. On steroids.

It's like Michael Jordan in the NBA finals, or like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf. And this presentation is Desert Storm. And soon as it's over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore.

You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany. - Is that true? - Guilty, yeah.

She's the worst. - Well, she's our boss. - She ain't my boss, dude. I don't work for that bitch.

Maybe because she's my girlfriend. Was, or not my girlfriend. She's... we hooked up and...

What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know, David and Jan, it is much more.

Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. Was thinking about entering it in some festivals. Probably won't. You know, not what this is about.

What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants.

Great Scott!

Surely, you cannot be serious. I am serious, and don't call me Shirley. Airplane.

And Craig, you saw him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although, he is a tool.

Oi vey...schmear.

They are either gonna say... yes or no. Could go either way. We don't know what they are going to say.

I don't like to be cooped up in that office. In that box all day long. Heisman!

Office football chaos with everyone demanding the ball from each other

You are so lucky, Jim. You are so lucky you don't have this problem.

Question, do their pizzas play DVDs?

That's what she said. Ha! I don't get it.

Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive.

They stopped making plaques that year.

I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'.

That's because you're incapable of doing it. Because you don't know how. Because you have no skills.

The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman is boobs.

I have some very great news from corporate. We had a wonderful quarter, and as a result, all of you are getting bonuses for $1,000.

No no, it's not true. I was just talking.

Pam, I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me.

Which means absolutely nothing. ... Well, it's mostly made up.

Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that... nature.

I'm very sorry, I did not know that you were wearing a hearing aid. And I just thought you were speaking abnormally.

Michael Winslow. Anyone? A car starting.

The bartender asked for her ID, which I thought was odd. Because I pegged her as, like, 35.

She's probably in the room drinking from the minibar.

So I captivated the guy who captivated 1,000 guys. Can you believe that? 1,000 guys.

So I put out a bunch of extra candy on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel.

Hey, you having a wardrobe malfunction, or...

This is like HBO. No limits. Who knows what I'm gonna say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated. It is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in Raw. And they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in Daddy Daycare.

I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham city. That's Batman. That's Batman. Okay, I'm Aquaman.

I work with a bunch of nerds.

She is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the frat boys away from her. I'm in 8th grade.

It's not that children make me uncomfortable. It's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.

All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cook... camonga! Ow ow ow ow, you broke my hand.

These are cautionary tales for kids, Michael. The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you. What's a Nazi?

Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth. And out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freakin' cool.

There was a show called Fundle Bundle, and I was the star. Ryan, can you come here a second? I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dixon City. And if she's at the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked. I want you boost yourself up...

I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them. You give 'em pizza. You give 'em candy. You let 'em live their lives. They're adults, for God's sake.

Did you get married? No. Why not? It just never happened. So do you have any kids? Nope. Do you have a girlfriend? I do okay. So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be. I guess not.

Do you think that it is too late for me to have kids? Well, you need a wife first or at least a girlfriend. What about Jan? Not Jan.

I need a user name. And I have a great one. Littlekidlover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you. Who is this guy again? Don't worry about Phil. He drives a Corvette. He's doing just fine.

These things sell themselves. Who uses calling cards anymore?

It sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme. Yes, thank you. You will get rich quick. We all will.

When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?

Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more people who are investing, the more money we're all gonna make. It's not a pyramid scheme.

It is a... It's not even a scheme, per se. It's...

I have to go make a call.

I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect icebreaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.

You're late. Thank you, it's noon. But, I forgive you. Because doth, it is my birthday.

It is from Italy. Actually, Bulgaria. So...

Good luck. One-of-a-kind. EBay.

They've been working 24l7, all day, yesterday.

Let's get the party started. Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you.

When should we bring out the cake, 1:00 or 1:30? 1:00 is good. 1:30.

Where do we get those? Not my problem.

Really? 'Cause I thought we had the same birthday.

Am I on camera? Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart.

You can take a five if you want.

Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut.

When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids. And I got a really bad rash from the pony. And all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside. And my mother was rubbing cream on me for probably three hours and I never came outside. And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck and around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.

It's your favorite song. Yeah, when it's on the radio.

My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Apparently, my mother is the only one who cares enough to send me anything.

I probably care more than she does. You're making it worse.

I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this.

Baloney, tomato and ketchup. The best. These are all the same. Yes.

Get whatever you want. And choke on it.

When I was 16, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with. So she went out with him on my birthday. And she got him a cake at the restaurant, and it wasn't even his birthday. But I heard about it the next day in school. So, that was the worst birthday I think I ever had.

Someone ate three feet of that thing? Hell, yeah.

But don't expect any cookie. But what if I'm hungry? No cookie.

Kevin, respect the birthday, please? No. No, not yet.

I asked for trick candles. Pam was supposed to get them. Sorry. Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again.

That's terrible news for both of us.

It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover. Yeah, but it's not brain cancer, and it shouldn't stop us from having fun.

Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and Dacarbazine. And laughter also.

I didn't even invite you to my birthday party. I work here. 'I work here.'

And don't say the bathroom, because I kicked in all the stalls.

How dare you, sir. You are gross.

I thought about playing in the NHL, but you're on the road so much. You get no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.

Those things are like ticking time-bags.

Well, apparently, in the medicine community, 'negative' means 'good,' which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community that would be chaos.

'From Dwight. Number One.' Thank you, Dwight. That's great.

Dude, where's my office? I totally lost it! 'Cause I was half-baked!

Take Cheech and Chong. Everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny. But just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot.

One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives.

Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael. / Yes, it is. / No, it's not. It's a type of pipe.

Can I have a gun? / No. I don't have a gun. / I'll have to bring in my bow staff.

You wanna work at the urinalysis lab?

I forget, are you guys dating? No.

My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style.

Win-win is number four. And number five is win-win-win. The important difference here is with win-win-win, we all win. Me, too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work.

How about Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Okay. That is called a compromise. And it is style three, and it is not ideal.

That's what she said.

Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day, and wants a seat facing the receptionist. Nice.

You already did me. That's what she said.

What the hell! Here is a Kelly complaint. 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Join the club.

Someone complained that the men's room is whites only.

Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable. I accept your decision.

Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.

This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.

When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.

But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.

One, two, three, smile. Try to smile. We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts.

It was really hard getting a good picture of 15 people. He would not give me a discount, and eight tries added up.

But here's the thing about cage matches, sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something that Toby will never understand.

And I consider myself a great philanderer.

Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening.

Top 80%!

Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam!

not that I have you or have ever had you

Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day.

Well, they need our money. They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts.

Comedy's very much alive, as are homeless people.

Well, then, they need our money more than ever.

I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.

Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.

That's how we do it in the paper biz. It's European and...

Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So, don't be stupid. Just take it back.

You really screwed that up.

If luck weren't involved, I would always be winning.

What does that mean?

Blow for luck! Yeah! Shooter! Also, you. Not playing favorites.

No, that's a flush. Oh, man! Oh, I have a flush! Yes! Look, I won. Look, I have all the clovers.

Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did.

So, I've got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good.

No, that is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggy.' Why would anyone find that offensive?

It wasn't just an action movie, it was 'Die Hard.'

You don't... you don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.

I have been calling people faggy since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake.

You know? I'm just- I-I can't even imagine- the... thing.

Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime, and you could tell me... how you do that to another dude.

Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman. I don't know. I can imagine her with another woman. Can't you?

Let's call him and get the website. What's gaydar? Oh, oh, gaydar, yes! No, uh, I think they have it at Sharper Image.

It's sold out. Yeah, sorry about that. That's a bummer. Well, they're sold out. Damn. Try Brookstone.

It is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.

You know, it-it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so... obtuse... a-about sexual orientation! I watch 'The L Word,' Okay? I watch 'Queer as [beep].' That's not what it's called.

Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like... Gay Shame Festival.

Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? No. Maybe. Is that what this is about? No. I don't. No. It's not possible. Anything's possible.

Well, I'm not gay, Jan, and you should know that better than anybody.

The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.

Am I the first gay man you ever knew? Trick question. Because you can't always tell, so how would I know? Was that the right answer?

You know what? Gay porn, straight porn, it's all good. I don't particularly get into this, but, uh... You know what? I totally see the merit. And, actually... It is quite beautiful.

Did you know that 'gay' used to mean 'happy'? When I was growing up, it meant 'lame.' And now it means a man who makes love to other men.

We're all homos. Homo sapiens.

Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out to everybody here, however you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you.

I bet a lot of straight men wished that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid, unabashed, monkey sex.

I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them. No one else in this office is gay. What about Phyllis?

And frankly, kind of amazing. See? Everybody has a chance.

Of course, we all thought you were gay in high school. Yeah, right. Ha, ha! And I take that as a compliment.

I would be the most flamboyant gay you've ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I'd be waving that rainbow flag.

You know what? I'm gonna raise the stakes. I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember. For a long time to come.

I did it.

What is love, anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar and some guy.

That's what she said. Or he said.

I am going to be a father. What was Oprah about? Angelina Jolie was on.

Find out if there's a cheaper... Less expensive baby out there

I don't even know if I want a baby in eight months. Probably won't.

If in ten years I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby... No, Michael. 20 years. No, Michael. 30. Sure.

Three packs of condoms. Yeeeash.

It is a booze-fueled sex romp where anything goes. You are correct sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern Mid-market Office Supply Convention.

The poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo.

Um... Um. Okay, um. Um. - You got that? I got it. Write it down. Um. Um...

Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Aaagh! The product... the progidal... My son returns.

It's like with firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.

The 800-pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her. So nothing can happen between us at the convention.

Step away from me, Michael. Thank you for being so brave with all of this.

That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic.

Oh, no, sorry, it's an inside joke. There was this bartender in Stamford who... You know what? You just have to be there. Wish I was. I love inside jokes. Love to be a part of one someday.

SWAG! Stuff We All Get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG!

You don't have email on your phone. I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello? No one just called you.

Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry.

Opportunity, promotion. Blah blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors? Vis-à-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically.

What, we didn't bet anything, Michael. Well, let's... You know, we should go. Come on, come on. Come on! We'll do it later.

Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well... phooey on that.

Maybe next time you will estimate me.

First guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend. Um, I thought there was a party in here. This is the party.

People have been filtering in and out.

Hey, you know what? I will talk to her. No, that's okay. Yeah. That's all right. I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to... Roy.

Some people need dozens of friends to say, hey, look at me, I'm popular. But not me. I'm very picky. I need three. Maybe two? When you meet that someone special, you'll just know. Because a real relationship... can't be forced. It should just come about effortledlessly.

The only cure I know for the Monday blues is Varsity Blues.

Kevin? Would you like to do the scenes from last week? / Why him?

How would a movie increase productivity, Michael? / People work faster after. / Magically? / No. They have to, to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.

Do I need to hire a babysitter for you, Michael? / Kitchen. Some little 14-year old girl whose job it is, is to limit...

She's my ex-lover-ish.

Business is like a jungle. And I am like a tiger. And Dwight is like a monkey that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick.

Pun.

We don't have the technology.

She demoted me. / No. / Yeah. / You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job.

I can't imagine this place without you. / Can't you? That's so nice.

Because Dwight never lies. / How does that qualify him to run a branch? / Because that's all it takes.

But you said you liked it. You've always admired it. / But that was before. I'm thinking about getting something German, something with decent gas mileage. Plus, that convertible is a ridiculous choice for this climate.

Please? Please? / I don't know if I can trust you anymore. / You can't. You can't, but I promise I'll never betray you again.

And you can hug it out, bitch.

That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out. And in doing so, they just let it go. Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I have found. Doesn't translate.

But it turns out I was still a little angry and so I felt I needed to punish him just a little bit more. And I'm making him do my laundry for a year.

Michael offering to get Ryan a pencil from the warehouse when pencils are clearly available in the office

Someone immediately asking Michael to get a pen from the warehouse after seeing the pencil routine

Pam asking for coffee from the warehouse when there's coffee in the kitchen, but claiming warehouse coffee is better

I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.

Michael thinking Jan is calling because she misses him when she's delivering death news

Michael's awkward announcement of Ed's death with inappropriate emphasis on corporate protocol

Because he was my boss.

Michael inviting people to his office to 'cheer me up' after announcing a death

He was almost 70. Circle of life.

Not even have his own head to comfort him.

Michael's clumsy explanation of decapitation while miming the action

If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice.

We have a day honoring Martin Luther King. But he didn't even work here.

Michael's robot statue proposal with arms that move and eyes that light up

Better make it 2/3. Easier to stop if it turns on us.

His cappa is detated from his head.

Michael spitting on Stanley while explaining decapitation

Michael's talking head explaining the five stages of grief with his goal being depression

Michael's overwrought grief description with bucket of boiling tears and frozen sledgehammer

And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone.

Toby's bird story and Michael's aggressive interrogation about checking its vital signs

Michael finding the bird and declaring it's not dead while holding it to his head

You can't get diseases from a bird!

Michael announcing a funeral service for the bird in the parking lot

Michael comforting the bird like it's grieving for Ed

Angela's horror at Michael trying to fit the bird in a tiny box

Michael's bird eulogy suggesting it might be the same bird that pooped on Oscar

Michael's theory that the bird wanted to come inside to spread cheer with a song

It's not a songbird. Shh.

There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

Tell me what you did yesterday. Uh, nothing. Nothing? Yeah, nothing.

I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me.

And Carol came over. And we had sex.

Never, ever, ever sleep with your boss. I'm so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.

But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and The Chronicles of Narnia.

No, I'm not gonna settle down. No, no way. Uh-uh, boo! Get in the back, please. Boo! Back of the line!

What a pair of Marys.

Because I like them a certain way. And if it gets screwed up, then this whole thing's blown.

Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination.

I'll be back.

All toppings pretzel order

What's on your suit? Caramel dip.

Are we not? Are we not? Are we not? Are you with me? Are you with me?

Nice dress, Ryan. It's not a dress. It's a kurta. Okay.

Tonight, one of our most ethnic coworkers, Kelly

What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it, 'It's...' 'It's so super, fun. And it's gonna be great.'

A lot of gods with unpronounceable names. 20 minutes later, you find out that it's essentially a Hindu Halloween.

Don't go. They eat monkey brains. Hey, hey, hey, stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up. Because I am sure that they are very tasty. And nutritional.

And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. Really? You should. It's fun.

I love the people here. And if there was one thing I don't really care for, is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures.

Um, why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday? Oh, um, I don't know. It's really old, I think.

All right, all right. This isn't Lord of the Rings.

Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million. And that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world.

Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel-Prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu, from The Simpsons. Hilarious Indian.

M. Night Shyamalan. The Village, Unbreakable, Sixth Sense. I see dead people. Okay! Spoiler alert. He was dead the whole time.

And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you 'The Kama Sutra'.

I mean, look at that. Who has seen that before? I have, that's the union of the monkey. Oh, that's what they call it. This is the best meeting we have ever had.

I find this incredibly offensive. Well, I find it beautiful. Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine. But we shouldn't all be subjected to it.

My Indian cultural seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex, people. Everybody does it. I'm doing it with Carol. Probably tonight.

I said, are you ready to part-ay!

Isn't this fun, not wearing shoes? I wish some of us still had our shoes on. Stop it. It's a disease. I've...told you.

I thought you said this was a costume party. What does that look like to you? An Indian woman in a sari.

Hey, Kevin, it's a costume. You just cool it, okay?

You used your hands. Oh, yuck. What, a little too spicy? These s'mores are disgusting. They're not s'mores. They're samosas. Do you think they have any s'mores?

Wow, thirty years. And you two only met once before the wedding night. Yes. Wow. How long have you been married to the cheerleader?

Oh... She's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party. Um, no, we're not married. Yet!

So, tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die, she has to throw herself on fire? No? Okay. It's still very cool.

Okay, I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking, 'Who is this crazy gringo, and what is he talkin' about?' Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love.

Carol...Carol Stills.. I would like you... to do me the honor of making me your husband.

Oh, Michael What do you say? Can we talk about this in private? I didn't hear you. Can we talk about this in private? Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

I get it You're not ready. We'll wait. This is our ninth date, Michael. Well, yeah, but I-- I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all.

Hey, you know what? Why don't come with you? 'Cause I've got this book called The Kama Sutra. Okay, good night, Michael.

Pam... When Carol said no tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.

Well, you were never really engaged. I was in that marriage arena, though.

I kind of thought something would happen tonight too. We're so alike. So alike.

What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm rejecting your kiss. What?

Can I have a ride home? If you sit in the back.

Hey, can I have a ride, man? I, uh, I have my bike. No way, dude. I am not driving home. I brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it, though. It's a roomy twin.

This is just like that show Taxi Cab Confessions. If you say one more word, I'm stopping the car.

Why not to Indians everywhere? It's a tribute to one of the greats. Mr. Adam Sandler.

I love to start my day with a hearty bowl of Jan. Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby.

On whom's authority? The board's.

Am I a small number person or a severance package person? But you're a severance package person.

King of the stupid universe?

I know I hurt you. But please do not do this to me. Don't hurt me like I hurt you.

You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don't. There is no Stanley tree.

Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

Are you okay? Yeah. Great, amazing. Best physical condition of my life.

Oh, my God, you walk so slowly.

I wasn't. So you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable.

This is my house. The CFO's taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.

You send him cards? You've never met him. Well, when I do, we'll have something to talk about.

This is exactly what Michael Moore does. Famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera, and he's like, 'Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You're a bad person.' It's very dramatic. Although I can't say I was a big fan of Bowling For Columbine. Because I thought it was gonna be a bowling movie. Like Kingpin. And it wasn't. It was something else.

Listen, Scott. It's no longer financially viable. We're losing money, okay? It's not a charity. It's a business. And it's a dying business. Look, the whole business model of the small regional paper company simply doesn't make sense anymore. Stop... stop it. Just... Okay, he's not gonna say any of that.

Don't touch me this time.

Hey, did we ever have a conversation about doing something on the last day of work? Does that ring a bell? Do you remember hearing a rumor about me and anybody, last day of work? Something sexual? No.

What about when Jan said the branch was closing? God, Dwight.

I'm such a stupid idiot. I let everybody down. Everybody hates me. I lost everybody's jobs. Nobody likes me anymore!

Stamford is closed! Michael, we're not closed. Stamford is closed! Stamford is closed! We did it? We did it! We did it!

How did we do it? I don't know. I have no idea. I don't understand.

Well, for a minute there, I saw myself selling my house, moving to Costa Rica, learning how to surf. But Costa Rica will still be there... when I'm 65.

Michael's ethnic speculation: 'Probably Italian. Possibly Filipina.'

Michael's instruction to set up food 'as if you were trying to impress a much older man who's way out of your league'

Michael's 'World's Best Dad' mug justification

Gift bags are 'just for guests' - existing employees can 'buy one later'

Tony's gift bag contains 'mostly pencils'

Michael asking Karen 'are you a robot or a Martian?' and 'Was your dad a GI?'

Andy and Michael's 'nifty gifties' exchange

Michael's food restrictions: 'for you, consider it cow meat... poisoned beef'

Michael's 'bore-ientation' pun dismissing Toby's materials

Michael's orientation video - 'Lazy Scranton' rap

Michael's self-assessment: 'A-plus-plus' for his video

Michael's 'Night at the Roxbury' reference and head bobbing performance

Michael's 'nose candy' comment making Karen itchy

Tony's inability to get on the table leading to his resignation

Michael firing Tony for quitting: 'That's heresy, my friend!'

Michael's fake tire prank to unite the office

The fake hate note: 'You can never pull together as one and revenge us!'

Michael's lunch lady analogy for bringing people together

Hey, look at me! I'm a baby! I'm one of those babies from Look Who's Talking. What am I thinking? Look at all those staplers. What's a stapler? I don't even know. I'm a baby.

Hey, Mom! I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty, Mama. I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from. Breasts!

Awkward silence after Michael's breast comment

Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. I'm just kidding.

Oh, you are such a racist. Wait, why am I a racist? Because you think he's black. He is black, right?

like a white guy... who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake.

He was probably at a sporting event and saw some people pushing each other. And he intervened. Why would anyone go to jail for that?

And that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb person, okay?

As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust, and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam, tell me a white person you trust. My dad. Danny Glover.

Jesus. Apollo Creed.

Close your eyes. Picture a convict... That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.

I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because... it sounds an awful lot like I what I do here every day.

You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow. Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of 'em.

What is that, like, five pounds? It's two and half. I'm not going for bulk. I'm going for tone.

These people do realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.

I'm Prison Mike. You know why they call me Prison Mike?

Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?

You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap. Don't drop the soap.

Where did you learn all of this? Internet. So not prison. And prison. It's 50/50. Both.

I kidnapped the President's son and held him for ransom. That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike. An I never got caught neither.

Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelets. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.

The worst thing about prison was... was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place, and they were scary.

Dementors like in Harry Potter? No, not Harry Potter. There were no movies in prison.

They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom.

Time off for good behavior!

And that is not because he is black.

Oh, Pam. Take a chill pill.

I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candy Pams. And perhaps... some Pam chops.

Well, that is probably from the test drive.

Oh, you're such a blonde.

This is just the front of her. Show 'em... show 'em the other side.

It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. 'Ski-son's Greetings.'

Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you, in a sense. I was in your heart.

You need... to think this through in... Jamaica's largest freshwater pool.

Christmas is canceled.

Keep it up, Stanley, and you will lose New Year's.

Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley!

All of your guests would have probably canceled at the last minute anyway. Leaving your life a stupid, rotten mess.

It hurts my heart. It hurts my stomach. Hurts my arms.

Like maybe the real reason they left was because... there were things they wanted you to do in bed... that were... foreign and scary.

Take it from Toby.

Pam, would you like to go to Sandals, Jamaica with me?

That Carol is one smart cookie.

With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her.

Come on, we're going to Asian Hooters.

Bros before hoes! Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason.

Then suddenly, she's not your ho no mo'.

One part eggnog. Three parts sake! Some places won't make it for you, though, because eggnog is seasonal.

I bet you break up with a guy every hour.

About... your paychecks. Um... your paychecks will be arriving as scheduled on Friday. And they will be in the correct amount that they normally are in.

They have been checking us out all night. I am not kidding!

That's what she said? Hello!

I don't walk into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack.

You don't know? Dude, you should know. Yeah, well, it's been hard. They're wearing the exact same uniform. And I've been drinking. And you know how all... waitresses look alike.

I honestly don't see what the big deal is. Stevie Wonder is married. Are you going to tell me that Steve Wonder doesn't love his wife just because he's not sure what she looks like?

I marked her arm.

Or as my ex might say, 'Domo arigato, Mr. Scott-o.'

Hey, mon!

At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says, 'Hey, mon,' everybody says, 'Hey, mon,' back.

You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers, mon.

Feelin' hot, hot, hot!

Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?

The Jamaicans don't have a word for 'impossible'. Yep, it's English. It's 'impossible'.

All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need.

No, that's a German woman named Urgle Grue.

Sex. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.

I sent it to you at packer@dundermifflin.com... Packaging@dundermifflin.com... Uh-oh.

Well, this is probably the icebreaker you need.

I've ran out of gas. I hit a deer. I hit... I hit a deer with my car. No. I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.

Apparently, there is an e-mail circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rated picture of me and a woman. Jan. No, Kevin, a woman. Maybe Jan, maybe... Urgle Grue.

So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?

And I to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are, as well.

You complete me.

Michael's immediate 'Hey, mon!' greeting and vacation persona

Hannah quit and Michael might be deposed, but he only cares about Jamaica

Michael forcing Pam to ask about Jamaica so he can gush about Sandals

The 'Hey, mon!' call-and-response explanation from Sandals resort

Stanley's bonus complaint met with Michael calling him less fun than 'Jamaican brothers'

Michael singing 'Feelin' hot, hot, hot!' off-key

Michael's talking head about Jamaica being 'impoverished' but 'great'

Michael wanting daily 3pm piña coladas but being told it's inventory day

Michael specifically went on vacation to avoid inventory

Michael's theory about why businesses move to the Caymans

Michael: 'The Jamaicans don't have a word for impossible' / Pam: 'It's English. It's impossible.'

Michael's elaborate luau requirements list ending with fire dancers

Michael's 'No shirt, no shoes, no problem' sign and workplace attitude connection

Everyone spotting Jan and Michael's panicked 'German woman named Urgle Grue' excuse

Michael's talking head about seeing Jan 'in our room at night and in the morning'

Michael's repeated 'Sex. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.'

Michael accidentally sending intimate photo to Packaging instead of Packer

Darryl's reaction to receiving the photo and Michael's mortification

Darryl already forwarding the photo despite Michael's correction email

Dwight's spy mission briefing about 'Jamaica Jan Sun Princess' filename

Dwight refusing the mission unless he knows everything, then immediately accepting

Toby explaining HR disclosure requirements while Michael accuses him of being a 'skeevy little perv'

Michael's 'two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on Earth' description

Michael's elaborate panic excuses when Jan calls: hit a deer, ran out of gas, hit a cat

Michael's damage control speech mentioning 'maybe Jan, maybe Urgle Grue'

Michael continuing to sing 'Feelin' hot, hot, hot' despite the crisis

Michael's response: 'And I to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are, as well'

Michael's 'You complete me' Jerry Maguire reference

I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.

That's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him. / Yeah, you can.

Pam, you look very hot today.

Me so horny. Me love you long tim. / Who's Long Tim?

You ruined a funny joke. Get out of my offfive.

Boobs!

Pass. / You can't pass, You gotta pick somebody. / I'll take the kid.

You guys are the retired marines. And, you guys are the mother and daughter. And, you guys are the gay couple. And, we are the fire fighter heroes.

Then, how is this amazing race? / It's... just... It's Amazing Race, Phyllis, okay?

No, I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree. / Stop it, stop it.

I really Schruted it. / What? / Schruted it. This is the thing that people say in your office all the time. Like when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, You Schruted it.

Why would Dwight go New York without telling anyone? / You think he went to see Jan?

Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice... strike three.

That's what she said. / Don't you dare.

Dwight will be missed. Not by me ... so much, but he will be missed.

Was- the top salesman. I said, 'was'.

Addition by subtraction. What does that even mean? That is impossible. Yeah, you're right.

Addition by addition.

How was your gay-cation? That's very funny. Yeah, I thought of that like two seconds after you left.

Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight. Really? It was very nice of him.

Feel ya, dawg. Yeah, do you? Absolutely. What did I say?

He's always up in my bid-ness, which is Ebonics for 'being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.'

Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexicanness is what defines you, to me, and I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity.

So, Phyllis? I want you to go find firecrackers and a chihuahua.

Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey, into the office, like Pepe? Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.

Oh sure. We talk all the time. Really? No. Don't- Don't do that. That's not nice.

Dwight had a big personality and I have a big personality, and a lot of times, when two people like that get together, it can be explosive.

You should come back. Please. I don't want to do your laundry anymore.

I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

How do you know it's gonna be a boy? How... Would you stop interrupting, please?

And when I came to, I had an epiphery.

I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.

Then you take these and clip them wherever.

Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. What... We will demonstrate on Pam. No. And... No. Come on. You just twist your hand until something breaks.

What if he's a murderer? He's not gonna be a murderer. Maybe that's how you die?

Prima nocta, I believe, from the movie Braveheart and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night.

I'm sorry, I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.

It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys.

And what kind of stripper did you get? I did not order a stripper.

Okay, co-ed naked strippers in this office, for realsies.

Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office. Shut up, Angela!

Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles. No tats. No, tats. Of course, I want... Stop. That's disgusting.

Well, actually, I never was President. Yes, but Ben Franklin was.

'Is she hot?' Text back, 'Kind of.'

Who wants some man meat? I do! I want some man meat! Michael, Dwight would like your man meat. Well, then, my man meat he shall have.

Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleazebag.

It really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become President, but someone like Elizabeth can't.

She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride.

Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding, which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis, but it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the Bride.

I swear, Phyllis, you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin. Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside.

If you need to vomit, that is okay. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight? No. Because I know you're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure.

Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay if you did, it's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding, and you're nervous... That wasn't me. Okay.

I'm sure that Bob... Wow, that is... That is pungent. I lost my train of thought.

Are you set on that hairstyle? I thought it was... Michael, no... Here, let me. I don't need your help. Thank you, no. Just cover up that bald patch. Michael, please. I just need some time alone.

You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My mom was marrying Jeff, and they asked me to be ring bearer. And I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet.

I hate you! A long story short, Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that, after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said boo.

This strapping, young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Elbert, and he is quite the ladies' man. Aren't you, Elbert? Huh? Ring bearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better.

It's...

Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now, the wedding has no highlight.

I can't believe I pushed that guy's lazy ass around all day until he was ready to stand up and steal the show.

Well, I've got news for you, Elbert, if that's your real name, the show's not over.

And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, for the first time as a couple, Mr. And Mrs. Bob Vance!

That's what I'm talking about!

But just know, if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you. If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you. Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis.

Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too?

Why don't you find your seat and enjoy the buffet. I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back. It's fish. I will take care of that.

I do. I know a fair amount about fine food and drink. This is a white.

Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I'm supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It's a very serious situation.

Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler! Cheers. Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you.

Hi, I'm Michael Scott. And, for the next 40 minutes, I am going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance, one of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time.

Webster's dictionary defines wedding as 'the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.' Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals, gold medals.

The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.

Phyllis and Bob, their celebrity couple name would be Flob.

You look at her, and she's kind of matronly today, but back in high school, I swear her nickname was Easy Rider.

I didn't say anything when Phyllis's dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this, okay? Give me the microphone. No, I'm not going to. Michael, give me the microphone. It's okay. You're out of here.

I hate you!

Come on. I can't let you in, Michael. Dwight, just... No. It's Bob and Phyllis's orders. Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit, and have a piece of cake. I'm not even gonna dance, one song, maybe...

Toby... Yeah! I just want Phyllis to have a great day. Phyllis and you will be great together. We are great together. We are a great team. The Celtics were a great team. Yes. Yes, they were. Robert Parish...

I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon. Well, nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know. Dude, keep it together.

Phyllis? Phyllis, wait, please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember. You found Uncle Al! Yeah, yeah. He's kind of a weirdo. Thank you, Michael.

They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you're lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say, that's crazy. I say, 'Let them eat cake.' Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.

Be careful with the... No! Oh, wow! Phyllis. Phyllis, come on. You look like a clown. Here. Oh, get me. Get me!

Kevin arrives late claiming tire blowout and near-death experience, Michael immediately dismisses with 'Pop quiz'

Ryan's increasingly elaborate titles: 'visiting professor' to 'Special lecturer emeritus' to finally 'quest speaker'

Michael's comparison to 'cool teacher' Mr. Handell who 'hooked up with one of the students' and had 12 others come forward

Michael's hat-throwing graduation fantasy and prepared line 'May your hats fly as high as your dreams'

Michael on campus: 'Brings back so many memories... That I would've made.'

Michael's failed Frisbee attempt and students' dismissive 'Dude'

Ryan's harsh critique of Dunder-Mifflin while Michael can't hear but watches excitedly

Michael's textbook destruction speech: 'You cannot learn from books' while literally tearing out pages

Michael's business categories: 'Tourism, Food service, Railroads, Sales, Hospitals/manufacturing, And air travel'

Michael's candy bar business lesson: 'thingamajig,' 'whosi-whatsi,' 'whatchamacallit' leading to 'PayDay' and '100 Grand' and 'Satisfied?'

Michael's computer dismissal: 'great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper'

Michael's customer retention philosophy: 'We don't want them back. They're stupid.'

Michael's 'Polack-says-what' response to business school jargon

Michael's meltdown: claiming Dunder-Mifflin faces 'Al-Qaeda, Global warming, Sex predators, Mercury poisoning'

Michael's Ryan roast: 'Ryan has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita'

Michael's business philosophy: 'Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world.'

Michael's enthusiastic art praise: 'My God, these could be tracings!' and 'You nailed it!'

Michael wanting to buy Pam's building painting and his excitement recognizing office elements

Michael's pocket contents reveal: 'Chunky' candy bar

Michael's paper philosophy: 'It is a message. It is an inspiration. It is a source of beauty'

Michael's camera deflation: 'Unless you had a camera'

A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids.

And a little extra time after school.

Help. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...

Early worm gets the worm. Another worm? Like, are they friends?

CFO, not his initials, common mistake

That's what she said.

I don't think your's will fit me. I don't care.

That's what she said. Oh, my God. What am I saying? I love this woman!

Jan and I are lovers.

'Like butter.' Mike Myers, SNL

I could go for an appe-tease-er, yep.

Dwight, wow- that's not appropriate. I don't know. It's a common question.

They don't allow kids at Sandals. They are- are persona non grata.

Our first fight.

I want the house, Jan! I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights, and the tickling, and the giggling.

And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.

I thought your name was Pudge. / No, it's always been Madge.

Bail 'er? I hardly know her.

Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.

It's a big, red trash compactor. / It's not a trash compactor! It's a bailer.

Toby now has the floor. And he is going to try not to screw this up. Like everything else in his life.

Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like a half an hour every hour. / Take them at the same time.

Like sometimes, computers can explode. / Can they not? / No, no.

What about a long-sleeved tee? / Well, that'll work. / Long johns? A shawl?

Sedimentary. / Sedentary. / Yes, 'which can contribute to heart disease.' / Heart disease kills more people than bailers. / That's called having a fat butt, Michael.

I worked in a warehouse... Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter.

Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Wearhouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.