Pam Beesly

Pam has been with us, um... for... forever. Right, Pam? Well, I don't know.

What?

You put it in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet.

I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might... I just, I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist.

I am going to have to let you go first. What? Why? Well, theft. And stealing.

Listen, have a nice weekend. Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it.

OK, I like your food. / Uh, Outback Steakhouse, I'm Australian, mate! / No...

you would maybe not be a very good driver. / Aw man, am I a woman?

You wanna get high? / No. / I think you do, mon.

I'm not making any copies.

Why would you want to raise your cholesterol? So I can lower it.

So let's say that my teeth turn to liquid And then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that? I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous 'dentohydroplosion'

Actually we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.

I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, Pam.

He's in a box? Pam, he's in a BOX.

Maybe I should sleep with him. I'm kidding. Kidding. Totally kidding.

I'm just saying Roy is very competitive, and he wants to take the wave runners to the lake this Saturday, so...

I think I'll see you at the mall... yeah.

That was just something that was written on the ladies room wall.

The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there, but the kid's having a really good time, so, you're kind of there. That's kind of what it's like.

I think those might be empty. - No, no 'cause the ice melts, and then it's like second drink!

Ok, first off, my Keds, because I couldn't have done it without them, thank you.

Finally I want to thank God, because God gave me this Dundee, and I feel God in this Chili's tonight.

Oh my god! I just wanna say that this was the best Dundies ever!

I just wanted to say thanks. - That's not really a question.

Pam, you will be girl A. And girl B will be... Okay, we'll use the doll.

Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is, that it's up to me to revive him.

You see Dwight's coffee mug ? Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it.

Let's do this ! Here, try paper-clips.

I changed your Cracked magazine subscription.

Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton, in English 'box of papers snowshoe racing.'

The thing about Jim is, when he's excited about something like the office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job, but the problem with Jim is that he works here so that hardly ever happens.

I call it Pam-Pong, I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you. We're friends. Apparently.

Why did you put it off until Halloween? Because it's very scary stuff.

So it's a man? No. Or a woman. A human life.

I made brownies. And I made cookies. Same category.

I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.

It's in Maryland. Yeah. But, I mean, look at the salary.

Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out.

Michael tends to procrastinate... a bit whenever he has to do work.

But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday. And that's today. I call it the perfect storm.

Why is that secret? / Hello. Oh, God. Busy work. Ah, get away, get away. Cretin.

Your major and minor lines cross at a ridge. / That sucks. / You're making this up as you go along, aren't you?

Well, at least I don't have cavities. / Yes, you have very nice teeth. / Thanks.

I'll buy you a bag of chips. / Why are you twisting around? / French onion? / Obviously.

Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough. / He's a purple belt. That's really high. / I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I can murder him.

The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing. But Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour... so that we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight.

Who dry-cleans jeans?

He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens, but I can tell you he loves the way he looks in those jeans.

I know that's why he started Casual Fridays.

the game ended and they forgot about me

And it ended with him telling me he could bench press 190 pounds.

Pam, you're trustworthy. And a woman. - Thank you. Oh no.

Just off the top, I think she'll be here this afternoon.

So she misses me. She missed you.

Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words. - Really? - Oh yes.

Michael and Jan definitely made out. - Oh! Maybe more. Also it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So, keep that going. - Yay!

How do you come back from that? You don't I don't think, come all the way back, you know? Especially working together. No, I mean, doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that, as a human being? Oh, yeah. No. I don't think you can.

Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.

And then Dwight would be like... You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it. Because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts.

Oh, no! Oh, yeah. You were so dorky! Thank you.

Well, you do mean you and Jim, right? Oh, God. I am so sorry. I mean, I thought... You guys hang out all the time. And you're talking all the time.

Hey, come inside and talk to me. / I can't. Do you want us to run aground woman?

Snorkel shot! Who's next? Come on, Pammy, come on, come on! / I'm not doing that.

Hey, why don't we find like, a quieter place to hang out? / You know what, I've just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on, Darryl, Darryl!

No, no, no, no, I want my mom and dad to be there. / Then, I'll give you away! / No, thank you.

Michael dramatically calling for help because he hurt his foot, treating it like a life-threatening emergency

Pam correcting 'cooked your foot' to 'burned my foot' with Michael's indignant response

Michael's job description for Pam: 'Your job is being my friend'

Michael wanting family member treatment for 'serious physical trauma' vs Pam offering aspirin for being 'fussy'

Jim's Russian music download site prank on Pam

Pam's confused 'Why would they all be...' after Jim's prank

Jim calling Pam 'Pan' and her confused response

Michael asking Pam to rub butter (Country Crock) on his foot

Pam's talking head progression from denial to horror about being Dwight's friend

Jim and Pam's phone conversation about Dwight and Michael

Sniffling how? / Um, how many different ways are there to gonna sniffle? / Three.

I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here. / Oh.

So are you gonna be, like, totally awkward around me now? / Oh, yeah. Yeah. / Hope that's okay.

Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise, or he told you about it on the booze cruise. / Um... okay. / Shut it, Michael. I'm done. That's it, I'm out.

I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.

And this year I got to the third week in January.

Sudoku. Level, moderate. Time, 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert.

Hey, what's that word we made up for when you have a thing stuck in your shoe?

I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office.

Michael's not allowed in. She said that about five times.

I guess the person I have the most in common with is... Jim.

Well, I have a job right now. So I can't really take time off.

We watched a video about our changing bodies. Did you really? No. Oh. Almost.

Dreams are just that. They're dreams. They help get you through the day.

Like last year, Jim gave me this card with Dwight's head on it. It was horrifying and funny.

You mean, like a ham? - No. Not like a ham.

I don't want to offend... Angela. Or someone.

You're inviting Jim? Of course, he's one of my closest friends.

I'm leaving on June 8th. Oh. Yeah, and I'm really sorry about that.

It's Pam. Ms. Beasley if you're nasty. Janet Jackson.

Do you need any help? No, thanks. We'd have to explain everything. It's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.

Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play it? I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer.

If I knew I had a week to live, I would probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. It would be a pretty busy week.

I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here? Maybe, but we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion and...

You use fabric softener? Yeah. You don't? No, I do.

I asked for trick candles. Pam was supposed to get them. Sorry. Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again.

Jim Halpert, price check on fabric softener. The kind with the cute... Ma'am, please don't touch that. That is not a toy.

Pam's failed Phyllis impression attempt

There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward, but it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy.

How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it.

Dwight tried to kiss me. What? And I didn't tell anyone 'cause I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt.

It's still me.

'Yeah, right,' what? What was this?

What do you expect me to say to that?

No, I didn't know what to say. Yes, I know. I don't know, Mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am.

You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.

I think we're just drunk. No, I'm not drunk. Are you drunk? No.

Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet a few days before, and... I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship.

and I have lunch for the next five weeks.

I am going to be a father. What was Oprah about? Angelina Jolie was on.

If in ten years I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby... No, Michael. 20 years. No, Michael. 30. Sure.

He's a cartoonist for the local paper. Which is really neat, because I like to draw too.

Probably shouldn't broadcast that.

Um... Um. Okay, um. Um. - You got that? I got it. Write it down. Um. Um...

Um... I just completely forgot what I was going to say. That's so weird. Okay. Well, if you think of it, I'll be here.

I don't like ketchup. You love ketchup. He loves ketchup.

I think when I like someone again, I'll just kind of know.

with the exception of an episode of Entourage, which Michael made us watch six times.

It's just, I felt like it was time to maybe, just get new clothes.

It's too much. / What? I'm gonna return it. / No. You have to keep it today, just see how you feel.

Because Dwight never lies. / How does that qualify him to run a branch? / Because that's all it takes.

Pam asking for coffee from the warehouse when there's coffee in the kitchen, but claiming warehouse coffee is better

Jim rescuing Pam from grief counseling with fake car trouble

I was mainly focused on the cup holders.

Pam's Million Dollar Baby parody story about her boxer aunt

Pam's elaborate handmade bird coffin

Jan used to treat Michael like he was a 10-year-old. But lately it's like he's five.

Chair theft sequence with Jim and Pam

I'm acting my heart out here.

Most apartments these days have, like, three. Three kitchens? Yes. How are you gonna cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?

You look so handsome. You really do. I love the material. I know. How come you didn't get me one? I...

Well, go with Dwight. He's single too right? Yeah, totally single. 100% available.

I decided to come. I feel a little underdressed. But at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?

It's hot in there. How's the naan? Dry. You looked like you were having fun. I am. You should come dance with us. I have to watch our shoes, so they don't get stolen.

Pam... When Carol said no tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.

Well, you were never really engaged. I was in that marriage arena, though.

I kind of thought something would happen tonight too. We're so alike. So alike.

What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm rejecting your kiss. What?

Can I have a ride home? If you sit in the back.

This is just like that show Taxi Cab Confessions. If you say one more word, I'm stopping the car.

Are you okay? Yeah. Great, amazing. Best physical condition of my life.

Kelly, best wishes. Love, Pam. P.S. What a long, strange trip it's been.

Well, you know, I've got art school. Oh, that's... Yeah, of course, you should totally do that. That's a great idea. Yeah, um... I am already. I started a while ago.

Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something?

I just don't want it to be weird. You know? I mean, I took his old job and his old desk. Yeah, yeah, that might be weird.

Hey, I hear Jim's coming back. Really? Where did you hear that?

I'm, uh... I'm really glad you're still gonna be working here. Yeah, me, too. I mean, it'd... It's be a pain to have to find another job so...

I think you should take it. Okay, yeah. Maybe I will.

Yeah, I'm... I'm happy he said that. I mean, I don't think he's into me or anything. But... I'm kind of into him. So... there you go.

Jim's evolution from grape soda to bottled water

As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust, and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam, tell me a white person you trust. My dad. Danny Glover.

Pam's stunned reaction to Andy's pig Latin approach

For the past few months, I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA.

Sorry I didn't wrap it.

The Committee to Plan Parties invites you to a Margarita-Karaoke Christmas.

My sister and I used to be best friends, and we haven't talked in 16 years over some disagreement I don't even remember.

Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair.

Hannah quit and Michael might be deposed, but he only cares about Jamaica

Michael forcing Pam to ask about Jamaica so he can gush about Sandals

Michael wanting daily 3pm piña coladas but being told it's inventory day

Michael: 'The Jamaicans don't have a word for impossible' / Pam: 'It's English. It's impossible.'

Everyone spotting Jan and Michael's panicked 'German woman named Urgle Grue' excuse

Pam's advice to go easy on Karen and her help with 'friends do' speech

Pam's example of helping Phyllis by untangling tape from her hair

Michael's elaborate panic excuses when Jan calls: hit a deer, ran out of gas, hit a cat

Pam's confused 'Michael hit a deer?' after hanging up

Pam and Roy's honeymoon planning flashback with Hawaii vs Mexico debate

Me so horny. Me love you long tim. / Who's Long Tim?

Well, you should bring Long Tim in one day. / I'd love to meet Long Tim.

Leave the keys. / You still do that thing? / Leave the keys.

Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight. Really? It was very nice of him.

Would you like to pull a prank on Andy? I'm kind of in the middle of ... yes, please.

Oh my god. That's half-inch drywall. I think we broke his brain.

Do you still have feelings for her? [pause] Yes.

Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. What... We will demonstrate on Pam. No. And... No. Come on. You just twist your hand until something breaks.

I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.

Good advice, Beesly. Thanks. See you out there? Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk!

Oh, no! I was confused by your phrasing.

Phyllis ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like, 'Wait, I thought I called that off?'

So, what's in the box? A toaster. You? A toaster. Unbelievable.

That's my dress.

This must be so awful for you. What do you mean? Well, this is supposed to be your wedding. Oh! No, that's actually fine. There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just, like, freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.

I know I don't normally notice these kind of things, but this wedding's really nice. I mean, the flowers and stuff. Phyllis has got some great taste. You're kidding me, right?

I know you probably aren't gonna remember this, but, those color roses, I got you those color roses for our prom. Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.

I guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning. Yeah. Sorry about that. It's okay. Well, you think it sucks for you? I'm the one who actually wanted to get married.

When are we gonna get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves? I'm pacing myself. Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want. No. I'm such a dorky dancer. I know. And it's very cute.

Hey! They're playing our song, huh? Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played The Police. I know. I... I gave them 20 bucks.

Roy calling Pam 'spazzy boy' and 'little spazz' while she's driving

Pam's talking head about 'maturity and dignity' ending with 'Is that braggy?'

Roy's disappointment that no one from work came to Pam's art show

Roy's dismissive 'It's cool if I go, right?' at Pam's art show

Michael wanting to buy Pam's building painting and his excitement recognizing office elements

Michael's camera deflation: 'Unless you had a camera'

Good, not great.

And, don't call me Pamie.

I can read you like a book. Oh, yeah? You can't keep anything form me.

I kissed Jim. What? He told me how he felt, and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed.

Drew. I'm Drew now. / Oh... Drew. / Sorry. / Apology not accepted.

He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours. / Okay... okay. / No, constantly... like, for years.

Ryan describing Netflix queue management in elaborate detail while others time him

Hey, check it out. There's a castle over there. / Oh, my God. There is a castle. / No, there's nothing to see over there, people. There's nothing to see.

It's, uh... A Repliee Q1 Expo female robot. They're only available in Japan. / Dwight, you are such a liar.

Drew. I'm Drew now. / Oh, Drew. Sorry. / Apology not accepted. / Because it wasn't even necessary in the first place.

He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours. / Okay. Okay. / No, constantly. Like for years.

A Repliee-Q-One-Expo female robot. They're only available in Japan. / Dwight, you are such a liar.

I wish someone had flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year. Especially if it had been Jim.

He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things.

Cons. Wears too much makeup. Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested. What was the last one? She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles. No, the one before that. I'm unhappy when I'm with her.

Don't think, just answer. What do you want to do about Jan? I wanna break up with Jan. Wow. I wanna break up with Jan.

You want me to write down people's indefinable qualities?

I have the most boring job in the office, so why wouldn't I have the most boring job on beach day?

Like what? Like everything I said, and everything they did. Just don't... Well, no. Write it down before you forget it. That's... You've just been drawing pictures.

How am I supposed to get... Thanks a bunch.

At various times, you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units.

Well, check to see if there's a conversion chart in that notebook. I really doubt it, Michael. Please just check.

I'd like to try. Pointless. But I'm not kidding. Okay? This is about guts. It takes guts to be a regional manager.

I did the coal walk. Just, I did it. Michael, you couldn't even do that. Maybe I should be your boss.

Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked. It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist.

Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends. And things are just, like, weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford. And I really miss you.

I shouldn't have been with Roy. There were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding, but the truth is I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you.

And now you're with someone else. And that's fine. It's whatever... that's not what I'm... I'm not... Okay, my feet really hurt.

The thing that I'm just trying to say to you, Jim, and to everyone else in the circle, I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle.

For the record, I am not embarrassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it, and it only took me three years to summon the courage, so thank you.

I'm happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche. Maybe I'm being cliche. I don't care.

That's Popeye.

I learned from Jim. If Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret, you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'

So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar? / Just- zip your lid!

A man version. But uh- until then, I can hold my head up. I'm not gay.

Are you free for dinner tonight? / Yes. / All right. Then, it's a date.

Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be.

Right. ...we're dating. Wow! There it is. Yeah. We haven't told anybody, but it's going really great.

Bat birth control? Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right, Michael?

So I closed the door but the image of his... Baguette? ...dangling participle still burned in my eyes.

They say if you're nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on or a funny coat.

I know you, Michael. I saw you naked. You don't... You don't know me. You've just seen my penis.

Phone's ringing. No, no. Pam, let'em ring. Let the bells of Dunder-Mifflin chime out your love.

Well, I don't wanna speak for Jim, but it's, like, pretty official.

What is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles? What? I don't wanna grow weird sperm in case we ever wanna have kids.

All right, I just have to ask. Now that we're public... is the magic gone? It's funny you bring that up, because yes, it is. I knew it. I now find you repulsive.

Yeah, I'm gonna do some mock-ups and then turn those into thumbnails. Maybe do some, uh, splash frames. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm excited.

Do you wanna go out to dinner tonight? Oh, is it... Wear something nice. No. What? I just... wanted to have dinner. I'm sorry. I'm dating Jim.

I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing. Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that? I saw it!

Good-Bye. I love you. I love you-- Okay. I'm leaving inside Jim's car I don't know when I'll be back again Yes, I do Tomorrow I'll be back I'll be back tomorrow

Hey, do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man. I'll get back to you. Let me know.

Jim and Pam making beet puns: 'The Beets Motel. Borscht Hotel. The Embassy Beets. Radish Inn.'

Jim: 'Yes, we will be requiring a bedtime story.' Pam: 'No.' Jim: 'Not even Harry Potter?' Pam: 'No--Jim, come on.' Jim: 'But you promised.'

Jim and Pam's fake Schrute Farms review: 'Table-making never seemed so possible.' 'You will never want to leave your room.'

I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing. Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I saw it.

What? He's going through a breakup. Yeah. I'm aware of that, but he's also being super-annoying, and I'm not a perfect person.

Okay, why don't you just lay off, lady? 412.

It's Vivaldi. For Finer Things. - That's the problem. That's the problem. We need rock and roll, Pam. Rock and roll!

Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a post-it note telling him who's on the phone. I did it once, and he freaked out. He loved it so much. The thing is, he doesn't get that many calls. So he has me make them up every ten minutes.

My boyfriend is 12.

I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens... And frankly all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.

You're a sports writer in Philadelphia? Nice build, too... I did not know you played guitar.

I passed out on my keyboard trying to decide.

Oh, today we saw a junkyard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.

But instead you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair.

I definitely remember your dinner party.

Actually, I put the catalogue in your hand, 'cause you have to pick out a new chair.

You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment.

You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud.

Maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend, 'cause he's kind of a slob, too.

I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged. Have I not proposed to you yet? I don't... No. Oh. Well, that's coming.

My shoe is untied. What is your problem? Oh, my God! You thought I... No, no, no. How could I have thought that?

Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a Post-it note telling him who's on the phone. I did it once and he freaked out. He loved it so much.

The thing is he doesn't get that many calls. So he has me make them up every 10 minutes.

My boyfriend is 12.

So you have an office and a work space. / I do, you know. I just... I cannot create in the same space that I conduct business. I'm sure that you're the same with your odles.

What a cute bench. / Thanks. That's my bed.

You don't need two of you to do that. / That's true...

I have never, ever dated or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever. Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever.

I can't prove it, but I think she might be trying to poison me.

I know Jan didn't poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table, wouldn't it be me? Michael's former lover.

I was his babysitter. / And now you guys are dating? / It's purely carnal, that's all you need to know.

Pam, when I first opened this catalogue, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair. But instead you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair.

No, I mean it. She's really nice and sweet and you guys might actually get along. I don't think I'm ready. Is she hot?

You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud.

Have I not proposed to you yet? I don't... No. Oh. Well, that's coming.

My shoe is untied. What is your problem? Oh, my God! You thought I... No, no, no. How could I have thought that?

Pam, you weigh 226 pounds? / Almost, Kevin. / Not almost though, Holly. I mean, not-- not close to 200.

I will be a little fish in the big apple. What up, 212?

The last word is 'seagulls.' / I'm sure it was really lovely. / I took a lot from other poems.

Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery.

I'm gonna watch HGTV, and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.

Pam, will you marry me? / Oh, my god! / So? / Yes!

Not one of them called to congratulate me on our engagement... That, they might be off the hook for, because I didn't tell them.

I need to fit into my wedding dress. However, I'm also pregnant.

Why doesn't Crate and Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?

I hate registries... My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be surprised when you see it.

Hey, why haven't we ever... We have.

I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash. Like money? Like, you want my money?

Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. Oh, look! 'Mrs. Pam Halpert!' That's the first time I've seen it in writing.

$100 now, for sure... Instead of $5,000 a year from now? How sure is this? The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game.

Of course, Now michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week.

Hey, michael. * pamela-A-A *

J-Money. Or should it be t-Money, for tuna? Receptionist-Money. K-Money.

A cat? We were looking for kitten

That Pam Beesly, she's the coolest sister-in-law on the planet. She's the best, the absolute best

They came up with that idea really fast

I had this whole thing where I go back to class, wrongly accuse another girl. Look, I even used makeup to put a ring around my finger

but Pam's a gold digger. Hey, New York ain't free.

It's the world's tiniest Bluetooth. I found it in a Japanese gadget store in the Village.

We wanted to stay on the phone all day, but the company has a policy against eight-hour personal calls, so we're not telling anyone.

Pam, what do you want on your coffee? Sprinkle of cinnamon. Sprinkle of cinnamon.

What color mustard is his shirt, yellow or Dijon? It is spicy brown, actually.

Cute shoes online. How many shoes do you need? I don't know, two, maybe three, if one wears out.

How many shoes do you need? I'm not talking to you. Who are you talking to? Pam. She's not here, Jim. No, she's not.

Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath? No, actually.

There's free wine and cheese at the Chuck Close retrospective. Let's go. That's going to be great. Who's Chuck Close? I love Chuck Close and his photorealist paintings.

Why did you come to New York in the first place? Because they have a great design program, and I wanted to see if I was any good at it. And I wanted to work on my art, too.

I was. And then they switched to Acrobat just as I was learning Quark. I hate computers.

It's just designing logos and stuff, and I miss Scranton, but it is not because I missed you.

I'm not going inside. All right. First thing in the morning, then.

Get off your high horse, richy. / Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich. / Nah. They're rich.

Are you inching away from me? / No. / Reach your arms out. / I'm always this close.

I guess that's why we have a temp, huh? / Oh, no, trust me. I would just make it worse. / How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse? / I would find a way.

EXACTLY. THAT SHOULD TELL YOU HOW TERRIBLE THE CHAIRS ARE.

I LOVE YOU. BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU'RE ON VERY DANGEROUS GROUND.

SO I GUESS THAT'S HOW THEY'RE GONNA PLAY THIS. IT IS ON. SO ON.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT IN FIVE YEARS, I'VE HAD TWO ENGAGEMENT RINGS AND ONLY ONE CHAIR?

MICHAEL, THAT IS HILARIOUS. OH, IS SOMEBODY MAKING FUN OF ME? THE BEST! GREAT FRIENDS. THANK YOU, MICHAEL.

Jim and Pam's commentary on Dwight fighting himself: 'he's making you look like such a fool' 'He really is'

Accent criticism: 'You sound like Forrest Gump.' 'I do not.' 'Well, you do, actually. You got this kind of like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sort of spilling out of your mouth.'

'Snapped or stuck?' 'Both. They're both worse.'

trade seats with me. no. i've got a better angle on pam. i can see everything. please stop.

When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that.

He brought a sled. / No, that is a toboggan. You never know when you're going to find a snowy hill.

No, I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare. / But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do. / Then listen to your iPod, Pam. That's dangerous.

You nervous about seeing Karen again? Since she was the other woman? / Actually, you were the other woman, so...

I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me and she still hates me, so...

Don't be nervous. Just picture her naked. / Stop it. / That's what I do. Steal my trick. / Please cut it out.

Oh, just blow off the lecture at Rochester? / Yeah. Screw them, let's do this.

Because their office is only accessible by cross-country skis.

She has a boyfriend. I'm so sorry, Michael.

And then she'll move back to Scranton, and her boyfriend will die.

I went through Holly's things. What? I stole a sleeve of her sweater. I also stole something off of her computer. A document called 'Dear Michael.'

basically,95% of my job. but i'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone.

Michael suddenly appearing and contradicting Pam's claim he's not in

he's talking about michael,dwight,and andy.

jim uses a six-pound ball. yes,he bowled five frames with this pink,sparkly thing until a little girhad to ask for her ball back.

they've been in there for like ten minutes. bob ordered hot food. and i think they gave him too many fries.

He's not back from the civil rights rally. I'll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial.

An Obama fashion show. Whatever that is. Or 'Trapped in an oil painting.'

He's having a colonoscopy.

Took him 40 minutes to get ready.

He just skipped the Ace Ventura talking-butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.

Maybe I'll have one of my own someday. But I dream.

Right, 'cause that's what we're talking about.

Soon could mean anything. Soon could be three weeks. Is that what soon means to you? Sometimes. Then come back soon.

Do you know that the industry's in decline? Yeah. Oh, God, I practically invented decline.

Close your eyes. I'd prefer not to. Just close your eyes.

I am not going to do this. Obviously. And you are not going to, either. Agreed. Except...

Could I take a piece of paper and just tape it with transparent tape? Yeah. Good. Thank you very much.

It's not ready, Kevin! I am at a crucial point where I have sunk four hours into that copier. And I am not gonna let it beat me like that wireless router did.

I know all the buttons. Even the inside ones. I know all the error messages. I could do a bound book in plastic with offset colors, which feels...

I'm going with him. What? Pam. I'm going! Pam, you can't be serious. Michael, wait! I'm coming with you. You are? Yeah.

Great. Except I don't want to be a receptionist anymore. Right. Executive assistant. Salesman. All right. Okay. Deal. Deal.

I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you? Nothing but vomit and diapers over here. Oh, my God. I couldn't envy you more.

When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, a certain manager will go to his moppy place. He means his mopey place. It's under that street lamp that he thinks was in Casablanca

If we act nice now, then we're rewarding them for treating us poorly. Didn't we kind of start it? Mmm. I think you're remembering that wrong

Six yeses,one maybe,only 11 nos. Um,and 788 not yet replieds. But of that group,782 have viewed it.

I make that one copy and I become the girl who makes copies. And by the end of the day i'm receptionist again. And the worst part is,I like making copies. The paper comes out all warm and stuff. And it's cold in there,'cause it's technically a closet.

That is so insulting. How is it insulting to say that you're good at something? Because the thing that you're saying i'm good at is pushing a big green button a bunch of times.

That's me and my friend jasmine,from thailand. I don't want to look at your friend jasmine's boobs all day.

You could be hot too if you made any effort aall. Like how? Dying my hair blonde? This is from the sun.

Michael,we can hear you. I'm on the phone. Please. Mom,i'm gonna have to call you back. P is being a giant b.

One,two,three,what are we gonna do? Cner idea. No,you're supposed to say rock the house! How would we know that?

Pam,that's my corner. I thought that was your corner. No,this is where I work. I can't relax in the same corner where I work. So my corner's the one with the copier?

I'm just gonna sit here for a little bit longer,if that's okay. The air smells so good. I don't remember it smelling so good. The chairs are so comfortable.

God! Don't tell him we have free delivery. We already offered free delivery. They don't know that.

And I guarantee... That you will be satisfied. 'Cause your satisfaction is our guarantee. We guarantee it.

We're getting pretty good at it.

$9,000. I don't know, it seems like a lot for an a cappella group from a college we never went to.

I'm not gonna do that. That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan? I can get there.

U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly. Your mama say you ugly, hey! Go Michael Scott Paper Company!

You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael? - Milk and sugar. - Awesome. You're a life saver.

Wait, is this just milk and sugar? - That's what I said. Do you drink this every day? Every morning.

Why would I love that? - Can we afford a delivery guy? - Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top. - I know what a loft is. - Most dorm rooms don't even have that. - Most do in the magazines.

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. - My new 'Dwight' ring. - I like it. Good, right? Idiot, we're starting back up.

Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died? - Steve Martin's not dead. - I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. And I was wrong. It's this.

I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-Mart. None of 'em called me back. Not even for an interview.

I never went to Thailand. Really? I went to Fort Lauderdale. Was it nice? Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great pad thai place, though. I love pad thai. You never had pad thai.

Seriously? - Are you being serious? - He's bluffing. What you don't understand is that this company's worthl... We don't have...

I'm really worried I'm gonna say it.

When I asked him to stop, he said, 'I will when you lose the baby weight.'

Heart-shaped jewelry is not something that a woman buys for herself, a man definitely bought it for her recently, and it wasn't Michael.

Yes, yes, I desperately want to speak with you about my sex life with Jim.

I do. - Okay, how about a woman? Pam?

You don't grab these for balance.

I shouldn't have to ask you to do that. You should just do it.

Well, I could have died, so...

Maybe I played a little in junior high. And in high school. Maybe a little in college. And went to volleyball camp most summers.

Wait, there's not gonna be a shotgun? - Nope. - No shotgun? 'cause that changes everything.

We should have realized that you are an equal part of this.

If you're lying to me right now, your baby is gonna come out a liar. That's how it works. They inherit things through the breast milk.

Please don't talk about my breast milk.

Which is why we're having it in Niagara Falls.

You're going to text me the morning of my wedding to ask for directions?

Dwight, Jim wants you to keep it down.

I need to fit into my wedding dress. However, I'm also pregnant.

You know, it's a myth that women have to gain more than nine pounds in a pregnancy. Look at these actresses. Some of them lose weight.

Why doesn't Crate and Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?

My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be surprised when you see it. You're not registered for a birdhouse, are you? No, we're not. Good. Good.

Hey, why haven't we ever... We have.

I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash. Like money? Like, you want my money? Mmm-hmm.

Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. Oh, look! 'Mrs. Pam Halpert!' That's the first time I've seen it in writing.

Question for you, would you guys rather have $100 now or $5,000 a year from now? $100 now, for sure. Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee, I put in $100 of my own money, as the gift.

Well, what do you think? I spent all morning doing it. It is really special. Yeah, but aren't you supposed to do that to our... No. It's great.

She's the only 80-year-old with no smile wrinkles.

Mom, you're totally projecting and being a drag.

Listen, Our credit card has been canceled, and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here! - That sounds good. I'll let you go.

Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us.

Our credit card has been canceled, and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact hat you're calling us here!

I will make that my top priority.

We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny. We hung out with them a lot. Frank and Beans. Always makes her laugh.

Frank and Beans!

Part of the problem is she's the mother of a close friend of mine. Oh. More than a friend. A coworker. Oh, gossip. Who is it?

Who is it, Michael? Who? It's okay. No, no, no, no, no. No. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! No!

No, I am not being dramatic, you are being crazy!

For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover? Don't call my mother your lover.

Sleep with my mom, just sleep with everybody's mom. No, no, no, no, no... Whoa! That's my mom you're talking about.

I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out. You are never going to be my father. You get out.

I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am. Me, too.

What's the matter? Can't fight your own battles? Maybe you should just take the rest of the day off, you know?

Michael, you're just her rebound!

Frank and Beans.

Well, that is not going to happen. Then why did you even offer?

You know what? I'm going to start dating her even harder. What's that supposed to mean?

Oh! Where did you get that hat? I'd rather not say.

Michael's been trying to get Jim and me to hang out ever since he started dating my mom. I don't know, I really hoped this thing would just die out. But today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom, and we have to go. No way out.

Pam fakes a shipping emergency to avoid lunch, Jim helps cover, and they share a knowing look

Why did I get in the car? I could have struggled. I have a whistle in my purse. I didn't even blow it.

Oh, maybe Michael will start dating that too.

You're bribing me. No, no. No, I am not. Unless you want me to. You want me to? 'Cause I will. I will bribe you. No... your face is saying don't.

Oh, come on, what do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? You want me to get down on one knee and beg you? I want to hit you. What? I don't-- are you kidding? No. Are you kidding? Ye--no.

Okay, just... Don't ever date a member of my family again. Okay. No problem. For the record, your mom came on to me.

Oh, man, that's crazy. Right as we were on our way out, too. I know. Isn't that always how it goes? Rarely, if ever.

Why did I get in the car? I could've struggled. I have a whistle in my purse, I didn't even blow it.

I used to love coming here. The chicken parm is good. Big part of my childhood. Maybe Michael will start dating that, too.

And then you stopped at the bar on the way back? Got thirsty.

I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now? Well, hobbies. Stop.

I have the lowest sales record of anyone here. Don't, no. It's not about numbers Pam, it's about attitude. I have the worst attitude of any person here.

I want to hit you. What? I want to hit you. I'll do that.

In the parking lot, in front of everyone. I'm going to hit you as hard as I can. Okay. Okay. See you then. See you.

Feel better? No, you were right.

Both. They're both worse.

The thing I like most about Recyclops is that he's creating a different world for our child. A world where you truly can be anything you want. God bless you, Recyclops, and your cold robot heart.

And it looks like you're taking a dump.

Don't do the twirl. Lose the twirl. Twirl sucks. Michael, I hated the twirl. Hate the twirl.

Look, do you want to be able to tell your grandkids you stood up for yourself during America's biggest financial crisis? How is he going to have grandkids?

Like the time you said, 'Hey, look, we parked over here!' Well, that was apple-picking day. There was no need to yell that day. You know, I was just excited to find the car. Perfect end to a perfect day.

Oh, really? From what? Two to four? Yep.

Hey, rockefeller center. I've actually been to rock center, And this is nothing like that.

Why would you start so high? 27... 3, 2, 1... 26...

You didn't decorate it. Why would you wrap it in a sheet If you're not covering anything up? Is--is it fake?

Oscar's pate's great. I could eat it all day, every day. How come the good ones are never straight, right?

Yes. They're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together.

Nice to meet you, oscar. Nice to meet you, mark. It's matt. Right, matt. I know what I'm doing, pam.

It would be better if you were unconscious. Try my googy googy.

You can consider this my retirement from comedy. Does that include 'that's what she said'? Yes. Wow, that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so... That's what she said!

But I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified and smart. Everyone loves him. If he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. We just... We never got the timing right. But you know what, it's okay. I'm totally fine. Everything is going to be totally... Pam. Sorry. Are you free for dinner tonight? Yes. All right. Then it's a date.

Pam, will you marry me? Oh, my God!

Oh, you MapQuested it. It's four blocks away. Well, now we won't get lost. Or we could drive, and that takes one minute.

But if not, there's always the Army. The infantry. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

That's the weirdest possible solution to the problem.

Is this because Jim walked in on you going to the bathroom?

This coming from the guy who still uses a children's toilet.

Oh, Michael marked his heights. He's grown. / Mm.

Well, the grass is always greener. / Yeah, except there's no grass out there. It's just a farty dirt patch.

Um, please don't make it a habit. / I'm afraid I'm going to.

You cannot exploit your baby for sales.

I cannot wait for that joke to be over.

Oh, yeah. My water broke.

I'm not going today because I can't do it! I don't think I can do it!

Jim, I don't want the first thing the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack.

Do you want to try it, Jim?

Wrong baby. This is not our baby!

That's so weird. She was saying it just before you got here.

Oh! We're doing it. That's great. We're really parents now.

Wrong baby. What? Wrong baby. This is not our baby!

When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, a certain manager will go to his moppy place. He means his mopey place. It's under that street lamp that he thinks was in casablanca.

Wow! Maybe we should tell her he's not normally like this. / Maybe it should come from a man. / Maybe it should come from a note. / With flowers. Tomorrow.

He's more just... Like...

What was maternity leave like? Oh. How do I explain it? It rocked. It rocked my ass off.

You couldn't have watered it? I literally did not know that existed until this moment. Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die.

I'm going to have to suspend you without pay for two days. You can't just suspend someone from work. Yeah, you're right. You know what? You're suspended too, Jim.

Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.

Michael's having a hard time with the gender part of spanish. So I told him to mark everything With the international symbol for gender. And, um... I should have been more specific. Your office is full of genitalia.

Eso es lo que dice el. 'that's what he says'? Damn it.

'I just delivered a baby. They didn't offer me a guarantee.' Yeah, or maybe we don't even need that.

You look exactly alike. Oh, no, we're actually married. We're not brother and sister. I have a sense about these things. All right. You have some ancestors in common... Somewhere back. I knew it. You should see their baby.

What was that printer we were looking at? [awkward silence where nobody responds]

Don't act like you understood anything that guy said. Good luck, wingman.

'cause I stopped by your desk like 15 times a day. I was after your money. Well, the joke was on you.

What sort of movie would rudy have been If he had just stopped, given up, After two rejections? Would have been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier. But it would have ultimately been a disappointment.

Well, you know what? Joke's on you. 'cause I know morse code. Ha! Yeah. That's what we're doing. In our very limited free time And with our very limited budget, We went and got a nanny and then we went out And took a class on a very outmoded And very unnecessary form of communication just so We could talk about you in front of you.

It all started when dwight was tapping his foot Against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, 'I will when you lose the baby weight.'

Why didn't you just say that, pam? Michael, do not let your imagination Run out of control. Well, that's easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It's stupid.

You're right, I ruin everything. And I've known some wonderful women. Holly, carol, jan. Helene. - Helene? - My mother. - Oh. My mother, helene.

Claire's? Zales? Ricky's? Earrings earrings earrings? Fancy girl? Platinum cat? Where?

Yes. Yes, I desperately want to speak with you About my sex life with jim.

Despera-Dough, Witchy-Womanilla. Why do they do this?

I don't even know why you're screaming at me right now. I'm not screaming. I'm not screaming.

My mind is going a mile an hour. That fast?

I was just gonna put a couple keys on every day until Christmas. Then his pants would have fallen down, which was a little gift to me, but...

I don't know if you can tell, but he's mildly upset.

Well, you know, they don't call me 'The Bart Simpson of Scranton' for nothing. Do they call you that? They do call me that.

Also, there's pee on the floor. Oh. Of course there is.

We signed Ceecee for the staycare, it's on the other side of town

Were you painting in the dark?

I'm the office administrator!

$41,000, I think... $41,500

if I can pull this off, It will be the scam of all scams. And yet, very helpful to everyone

Say that I'm lying, or say I have the job. Make a definitive statement, Gabe

You play the opponent, not the cards

No, no, don't put cece on the phone, Because she can't talk yet.

Well, we're never leaving the house again. Not together.

I think we have, like, a gift bottle of irish cream. Yeah? We could put that in orange juice. Get it. Yeah? Let's get our juice on.

If he chooses correctly, he'll conquer the hornets. And if he doesn't? He'll die. What? Beg your pardon?

Just admit that your baby was a mistake. Whoa! Hey, our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise.

That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle.

You know I have a kid with you, right? Aah!

You don't look reluctant, Michael. You look really eager. No, I don't have time for this. Are you kidding me?

Jim refusing to put on Popeye costume despite Pam's Olive Oyl

Jim and Pam were Romeo and Juliet except Juliet didn't have a great time

Danny not remembering if it was two or three dates with Pam

You can't handle the truth! / Well, that does not sound like me

Danny calling Pam dorky as reason for not calling back

Jim and Pam as Popeye and Olive Oyl doing voices

Old friend, like, you've known him since kindergarten? No, I met his wife in mommy and me.

Somebody needs a change. Right now? Well, she can't bring this up with her.

Cece, no. No, no, no... not on the dress. Cece, stop.

We have an extra outfit in the bag. No. There's no extra outfit in the bag. You said you checked it. I did...Say that.

Uh, meemaw, where's Cece? I don't know. I lost the purse too.

Stop that tiny, blonde woman! She stole my baby! What are you doing? Give me that baby. What? Kevin!

Did you think I stole your baby? What's that? Oh, yeah, back then I did. Just now. So don't, because I've got my eye on you.

And if it doesn't stop soon, I am gonna be up all night.

Just don't think of it as degrading. Think of it as you happen to be moving the pizza six inches this way, and he happens to be biting it.

Yes, I invested in WUPHF. It's actually a really great idea, and I can't believe it didn't exist before. And I know Ryan's kind of a sketchy guy, but, hey, I married Jim. I've done my part for the nice guy. Now I want a bedroom set--One that matches.

Yeah, that's where they make stuff.

I wish for a million wishes. Yeah, no, I'm not a genie. Then see you later, building.

I lied about some aspects of the building. It's still on a bike path, though, right? There's no building. It doesn't exist.

I'm the office administrator now, which means I'm basically being paid to be head of the party planning committee. The first thing I did as head, I shut it down.

At its worst it was a toxic political club used to make others feel miserable and left out. At its best it planned parties.

You know Darryl? Yeah. He works here. We all know him.

Well, Darryl, no kid wants to buy their own Christmas presents.

The shards of glass would have shaved her face right off. And, yes, it might have been funny, but it also would have been incredibly tragic.

So you went homemade this year. Yep. Yeah. Money problems. Is that what this is about? I mean, oh, dear, I don't think we can help you out.

Oh, my God. You like it? I love it. Yep, I do make great Christmas gifts.

Well, maybe you'll meet someone. No, some people just don't meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.

Do you think she's already dating a different A.J.? I don't think so. When you broke it off with Roy did you still tell him you loved him? No. But you did still love him. I'm not gonna have... Do you love him now? No!

I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present?

Since last year I ate none. Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that's fine. Is it? Yes, because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week.

When you broke it off with Roy did you still tell him you loved him? No. But you did still love him. I'm not gonna have... Do you love him now? No!

I went to Portugal. I went to Portugal. Oh, wow. You went together? No. No.

He's gonna be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with. Oh, you'll get through it, hon. Just make a game out of it. A funny Jim game.

All right, what'd you do? Well, those things that you consider doodles, I consider art.

Three hints. One, when you're getting colder, you're really getting warmer. The fridge.

But you're not holding a cup of coffee or anything, are you? Jim, what?

I will put out an A.P.B., otherwise known as an 'Ask Pam Beesly.'

Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle?

We decided to have a Valentine's Day lunch, and then that way we can spend the entire night with Cece, and avoid the Valentine's Day dinner thing.

Never found that bottom, did we? No. Pssst! Pssst!

You would hardly even know that they were husband and wife. Did it. Yeah!

Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office. No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place.

Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed. And a shower.

Okay, this is much worse than before. Yeah, I agree. This is nasty.

We thought it was a comedy. Everything pointed to it being a comedy.

You should enter it in festivals. Or carnivals.

You know, I cleaned up our daughter for, like, an hour at 4:00 A.M. This morning, so... So you know the feeling.

Erin just wanted me to have it, so we switched. What? Erin, is that true?

When I'm freaking out, I just sort of step back, take three deep breaths. I'm not freaking out. Okay? And then I ask myself, 'is this worth freaking out about?'

Andy, why should she have your crappy computer? Oh, that's interesting. So you also think my computer's crappy.

Question... should I get stripes shaved into the side of my head? No. No. Please.

Well, if it breaks all the way, I can get you a new one. Pretty sneaky, sis.

Yeah, you really did, 'cause I know every inch of that warehouse. Yep. Super lucky.

Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days. Yeah. You know what? I think I saw one sick day... I think maybe I saw five. Three.

I'm full on corrupt.

In case? In case of what? Well, you know, in case... Maybe something changes. I don't have an 'in case.' No.

Michael, you've had two ideas today... And one of them was great, and the other one was terrible. I am not in the mood for riddles, pam. This is terrible. No, this is romantic.

I had a great idea until you ruined it. You want to know how to do it? Take her out to dinner, go down on one knee. If you are in costume, you did something wrong.

If at any point you find yourself tying a ring to a woodland creature, stop and look at yourself.

A gas station? Well, it was when she was working in new york, That must have been a surprise, when, at the gas station, you proposed. No, it was really It was really sweet. It was raining and You didn't say that the weather was bad.

How'd we do? $13. That's great.

The Adventure Pals by Deangelo Vickers and Michael Scott. Oh, my gosh, it's 150 pages long.

Oh, my gosh, well, we just have the one, but she poops for four.

Someone started off on a good foot with the new boss. Yeah, they don't ever talk about careers that were made because of unplanned pregnancies.

And we turn back, and she has spelled out the word 'Ass' in the blocks. So we're laughing, she's grinning... It was so funny. Kids are a riot. They really do say the darndest things.

Enough about your baby, okay? I'm sorry. Well, we were just... I think she was just trying to... No, no, no, I know what you're doing. Just quit it.

Didn't think to mention me, huh?

I found your new executive assistant, my friend, Carla. She's got great experience, we even considered making her Cece's godmother, but she had this boyfriend at the time.

Yeah. Yup. Wow. No corporate experience whatsoever. I didn't want anyone with any bad habits.

Oh, yeah, pregnant. Right here. Little Michael Scott. - Nope. I told you I don't like that joke.

I used to be young and cute and sort of funny, and... I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like... 'Who's that receptionist? I like her.' Now I'm just a fat mom. And you take one look at me and you're like, 'oh, loser.'

I mean, maybe it's stupid. - No. It's wonderful.

Jim and Pam's suggestion to talk about how children grow up fast during business meeting

Pam's parenting magazine obsession: 'This is Cece's favorite magazine. She loves the pictures of babies. She looks at it when she's on the potty'

Angela calling social services on Pam for drinking herbal tea while pregnant

Hey, Pam. Let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug.

And then on the weekends, would you hacky sack back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids?

Well, in your fantasy, we're Stephen King characters.

Get a divorce.

Jim, how about you? Yeah. I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should... Okay, no, no. That... You are so not... Oh, God.

You really think I'm going to have a 14-pound baby?

Because I'm never going to act like that, even in your fantasy. Nope, you're doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now.

We're going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone at the top of a mountain. Right, it's city and country combined.

Philip? Philip is the name that we're using. It's after my favorite cat. It's after my grandfather. It's after my cat. It's after my grandfather.

Well... Technically for Andy. Technically for Robert California. He's our CEO. I thought you were the CEO. I don't know how you got there. You said you were running the company. This branch. I'm the regional manager. Oh, that makes more sense.

Tuna! Right? And this must be your lovely wife, Pam. No. Hell no. She wishes. No, no, no, no, no. No.

I would like to toast someone who isn't here, but who will be in just four short months. Welcome to the world, Philip lipton! I also would like to toast Philip Halpert... Who's due even sooner.

May he be a good namesake to my grandfather, who I promised as a child, long before tonight, that I would one day name my son after. She just always has to copy anything I do! It's the Ford Taurus situation all over again.

I think if I had parents like that, I'd be trying to convince everyone all the time how great I was too. Guess we found Andy's rosebud. Rosebud? It's a reference to citizen Kane.

I think I left my wallet in your house. Who cares? Right here. Mr. James Halpert! Keys, forgot my keys. Stop forgetting things. I didn't forget them. They're right here. That was stupid. Mr. James Halpert! So sorry. I forgot that thing. Idiot. Mi-- what are you doing?

What are you doing? Oh, I just wanted to see how you do it. If you're doing something I don't.

Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of one to three? / Um...Two? / That's, like, the second to last thing I wanted to hear.

Hey, it's Jim Halpert. I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie tonight, 'cause I've read a lot about this really great documentary. / Is it called Ghostbusters? / It's called Ghostbusters.

Jim doesn't let me wash his NFL Jersey during the playoffs, how is this any less logical?

Really. / That is just a bunch of people participating in a collective thing that maybe the eagles will hear about and wanna play better.

Like, a few years down the road, Cece says, 'mom, there's a ghost in my closet.' Now you say one of two things. One-- You're just having a bad dream, or two-- Let's go see what it wants.

- Maybe justine. - Bah! Nope. Not justine. Never justine. - Is that off again? - Oh, yeah.

Try something like, um, z64$8. Not that exactly, Jim. Something like that.

What's Dwight's mother's name? Um, Hedda. No.

Guys, come on. I'm right here.

Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is. This is the newest addition built by Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.

That's too much doodle and not enough lab. Yeah, when are they gonna do a labradoodle that's just lab?

Oh, Pam, you got something on your shirt. Oh! Oh, well. Pobody's nerfect, right?

Sive drafely. Isn't it supposed to be drive safely?

Maybe justine. - Bah! Nope. Not justine. Never justine. - Is that off again? - Oh, yeah.

What's Dwight's mother's name? Um, Hedda. No.

Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is. This is the newest addition built by Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.

That's too much doodle and not enough lab. Yeah, when are they gonna do a labradoodle that's just lab?

Oh, Pam, you got something on your shirt. Oh! Oh, well. Pobody's nerfect, right?

Thanks for everything. Sive drafely.

Oh! I'm going into labor!

I know it's wrong to fake going into labor just to get out of things, but sometimes it's necessary.

Or should I have corndogs. I mean-- I'm going into labor!

Okay, three reasons you are wrong about true blood. Number one-- I'm going into labor.

Oh, my God! Okay. I'm really in labor! This is happening.

False alarm.

At this point, when you're this pregnant, it's kind of like senior spring. The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet.

Preemie pajamas... No, I think he came early just so he could wear these

Whoa, whoa, whoa Game face, baby. Game face... No, that's overdoing it I think. Hi, Stanley. Split the difference

so she brought you a little treat... No. But that would have been a really good idea

Andy greeting Pam with exaggerated punching gestures: 'Look what I can do now that she's no longer pregnant. Bam! Bam! Bam! Pam'

'I could have used another week, or three' - Pam's understated response about maternity leave

'Well, it's not exactly a vacation' - Pam's dry response

'It's okay, Angela. I have mommy brain, too' followed by 'I don't know what that is, Pam'

'It's perfect. You emphasize the golf, completely omit the Florida Yeah, it's a golf text Total golf text'

'You want to call someone that texted you? Do you want to drive them away?'

'Now, is it too dark to say that Cece's having an operation? I think you need to go to Florida'

'With my mom and sister at the house, it'll be A total nightmare because I'll have all the help I need'

Well, you used to be Well, I'm not the receptionist I know but I can't cover reception I have a ton of work to do

Hey, are your little dudes crawling yet? No, three-month-old humans don't do that.

My Philip is crawling. - Angela is such a liar. - It's maddening.

Like her genes are so important. The world just needs more Pam-Jim DNA. - Thank you, no. - No, thank you.

There's nothing harder than taking care of a boat. Am I right? Angela and Pam: Unbelievable! Un-be-lie-va-ble.

My friend Jim would tell you to play it cool. My husband would tell you to go for it.

Pam and I were arriving for the day, and there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on-- on motorcycles. And they just were hassling Pam... They had, uh... Weapons.

I think you're a witch. I think you're amazing.

Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.

The whole card depends on this!

The man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?

Is this a video conference you're having with... 'Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz'?

How 'bout we go with Pam? 'Cause there's someone already here named Pam. Hey!

Remember how it felt when he cheated on you though? Which time?

I don't think you're a very good person. And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before. I don't like you very much.

Oh, boo! Boo! Pam. Boo to you! Boo! You are toxic. You are toxic!

Smokey's dead. Smokey the Bear? Smokey Robinson, Pam. He died like an hour ago.

You don't like the Beatles?

$250 is nothing to the world's biggest Smokey Robinson fan.

I don't think anything's going to change in our lives now. With work and two kids, I guess nothing interesting is going to happen to us for a long, long time.

Dwight, you may find this hard to believe, but I love my boring life. Exactly the way it is.

guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-h-guh...

The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores, but they were right. It's more fun this way.

The tiny wheel actually does have chores.

It's so cute, no one seems to mind.

Come on, not even Roy will have hot dogs at his wedding. I planned a wedding with him. He wanted hot dogs.

He plays piano? No. Roy? No.

Did I ever tell you about the time that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement and bought the winning numbers the next day, and then, played the tape for me the next week... And you thought you guys were millionaires. You heard that one.

That you thought you were millionaires. That's funny. That's all right.

John Stamos was temporary. I quickly moved on to Johnny... Johnny Depp.

Um, I was having a separate conversation with Kevin?

I think maybe they're actually is something I don't know about Jim.

I ran into this guy from my high school who has just gotten divorced, and he hit on me in the mall. And I didn't tell you because... I don't know, I felt embarrassed, and I didn't know if you'd be mad or worried, but anyway, I thought you'd wanna know.

That didn't happen. You would've told me right away. Yeah, I would've.

Pam treats Asian Jim as her husband, making dinner reservations

Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed.

I still can't believe he didn't tell me.

Pam asking about 'Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also' and the specific pie order negotiation

Pam getting covered in coffee and the awkward aftermath

Pam's shabooya roll call: 'My name is Pam / I like to paint / You think you're better? / Oh, no, you ain't!'

I'm Doctor Cinderella... Cece's really into princesses now, so we decided to turn them into positive female role models. I'm an oncologist.

And you are a dog. No, I'm a puppy. Dang it! I was worried that would happen.

Unless he has a secret costume that he told everyone about except for me.

Getting a lot of mileage out of this, aren't you? Yeah, well, get used to it, bud.

Man, by the end, I guess it was... about ten. 'About' ten? Ten. It was the full $10,000.

We cannot let that happen.

You just walked into her office... and begin. - Hello. - Hello. May I please speak to your boss? - No, she is the boss. - I am? Yes.

Try to spell it, Pam. Um... A... X? I don't-- you got me.

415-YCL. That's a license number? That's all you need.

Hey, David? How'd you like a guy who's not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia?

It's just I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs, so I'm going to limit myself to one shrub.

You paint wall now? I mean, it's probably going to be a few minutes, so you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing. I wait.

Your mama is so fat, when she wears red people yell 'Hey, Kool-Aid!' Yeah, your mom is fat! This is Pam Halpert!

You know what? I'm okay with that.

Reaction beat - Pam's meaningful look about Jim forgetting to take her to Philly

Morning, Meredith. What? Oh, sorry. Pam.

Jim lies about taking a taxi instead of a limo to his meeting

Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.

You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it.

Jim making the shot followed by Pam's mayo disaster timing

No! No! No!

You do kind of look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out.

Really! You can't be scared of a room full of Jims. I love the guy, but he's basically Gumby with hair.

Well, that's funny, 'cause I think of him as working part-time in Philadelphia.

They're the ones who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop.

It's like, if I put a glass of milk on the edge of a table, and Cece knocks it over, I don't blame Cece. So, I'm like a three-year-old girl in this scenario?

Right? Thank you! It's just Philly. Everyone's acting like it's New York, or Paris, or London. Who needs it? Not us.

Pam doing the 'Cece Spin and Kiss' dance move alone in talking head

Yes, Jim, I think I know how to point a rectangle at something.

Really? I'm sorry. Sorry.

I got the mural! Oh, my God! Um, I'm sorry, I have to go. My daughter is a ladybug. I know that doesn't make any sense. Um, thank you, thank you!

That. I'll watch it. Let's get this over with. All right, you don't have to... Let's get this over with, Pam.

Oh, no! I took a phone call in the middle of taping and then when I went to turn it back on, I must have turned it off. User error. I've heard it happens to other people.

Whenever I tell him good news, he's always like 'Beesly!' I love that. The only thing better than getting the job. 'Beesly!'

Actually, funny story, I didn't get it. I shouldn't have been so cocky about my rectangle-holding skills after all.

Maybe you should have been there.

What am I doing wrong, Brian?

They smell so bad. If I ever get that bad, you'd tell me, right? I tell you all the time.

Walked right into that one.

I'm in a position where I'm rooting for Nate, and that just feels wrong.

I have some pointy trees that I need to round off.

I'm usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint, but I don't know, this time I feel like it's, um... It's really coming together. Oh, my God! (EXCLAIMS) You've got to be kidding me! What is... Are those... Are those butts?

Yeah, I don't know everybody's name down here, but whoever did this, will you please raise your hand?

I will stay up here all day if I have to. Is that what you want?

Yeah, I will also come down if I want to. It's my choice.

I'm not like Angela, who calls a lawyer every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it.

You're telling me David Wallace asked you to call a super-secret, classified conference-room meeting? Yeah. Let's go, everyone! Super-secret, classified conference-room meeting! Now!

They used worse paint than your paint? I don't think so. But they put paint where I didn't want paint. So... I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing. Different colored paint. I wanted different colored paint in the spots where they put their paint.

I ended up with Dwight and Nellie. But they both have a mob mentality. And I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car.

You need my pitchfork? (SIGHS)

Your mother is dying! See? I feel bad about that. Good. That's all right, that's all right. So she's going to pull through again?

I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles. I drew a butt. Big deal. Butts are funny. Well, I didn't think that butt was funny. Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours...

And he's leaving a trail of poops? Yeah. And he has saggy boobs. Yeah, I saw that. That's great!

I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch. I know. You miss Angela, don't you? (GROANS) Don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work! Draw his penis!

Oh, my God, that's less romantic.

At least my crying won't get you fired.

Pam: 'It's with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me, because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is.'

Pam: 'my resume can fit on a post-it note'

Pam's realization: 'Oh, my God. He's Michael Scott.'

Mark reading Pam's upside-down resume and his gibberish reaction

Pam's final decision: 'I spent ten years as a receptionist to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just-- I can't.'

Jim's Odd Life of Timothy Green poster detail and Pam's reaction

Oh, thank God.

I forgive him so much.

Cece has been calling me Pamela. Like, four times this week.

You fell in love with that hair? Really?

Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get

whose incompetence is emblematic of a declining American economy

Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that's-- / It's okay. The hell does he know?

Embassy suites. 'Do not disturb' sign on the door. Mommy and daddy are on the floor.

He took this job in Philly without telling me. He bought our house without telling me. / If I didn't do certain things without telling Pam, she'd be married to Roy...

So, we had couples therapy. No shame in that. Get it all out in the open.

Oh, we're supposed to call everything we don't want to do 'opportunities.'

I acknowledge with gratitude that you are being kind and responsible enough to include it in your calendar.

We've had some really nice days together. Mmm-hmm. Nice morning, too. Beesly. Oh, my God.

It was the theme song to Boy Meets World. Wait! No, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each other's minds. You're trying to give your wife this job.

Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin? That's what he says. If you say so.

You want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps. He does have a gift.

What a chubbers. Whoa... Okay, hey. I'm losing my balance. Okay, Kevin, no. No. No horseplay. You want to play with the cactus? No! No!

Toby will stop it. Any time anyone's ever been fired, Toby's blocked it, so... / Yeah. Yeah, I don't think... / Toby, wait, wait. Hold that thought. Here's your cake.

You remember my two Lap-Band surgeries, right? / Neither do I.

Great, which one is that? / Mmm. Hey, driver, why don't you take us to 3030 Adams?

It's like a long book that you never want to end, and you're fine with that because you just never, ever want to leave it. / Like Harry Potter? / Yeah. Like Harry Potter.

Michael has so many pictures of his kids, he had to get two phones with two numbers, and he pays two bills. He's just so happy to have a family plan.

Well, you bought the house without telling me, so I thought I could sell it without telling you.

Oh, um, I kind of meant just everybody from the office.

It took me so long to do so many important things. It's just hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I could have been.

There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn't that kind of the point?