Jim Halpert

Actually, you called me in here. But, yeah.

I'm... I'm boring myself just talking about this.

I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first. Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry. Jim said mixed berries? Oh, well, yeah, he's on to me.

Dwight, I'm sorry, because... I have always been your biggest flan.

Listen, have a nice weekend. Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it.

That is not the expression. / Well that should be.

A 6 on 7. / I know, I saw that. / So then why didn't you do it? / I'm saving that, cause I like it when the cards go... / Who doesn't love that?

It was kind of hard to hear. / Uh yes that probably has something to do with the camera work.

Jim? / Hello?

Shalom, I'd like to apply for a loan. / That's nice, Dwight.

OK, I like your food. / Uh, Outback Steakhouse, I'm Australian, mate! / No...

you would maybe not be a very good driver. / Aw man, am I a woman?

You wanna get high? / No. / I think you do, mon.

Anytime Michael asks me to do anything I just tell me that Dwight should do it.

If this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Uh, knock, please. Please knock, this is an office. It says workspace.

So let's say that my teeth turn to liquid And then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that? I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous 'dentohydroplosion'

Killer Nano Robots ? It's an epidemic.

Count Choculitis. Sounds tough.

Let me out or you're fired. No, you can't fire me. Yes I can, I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.

Ok, can you hold on one second, I'm getting a bip.

Then here he comes and he says 'no, Jim, here's a way'.

I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, Pam.

Meredith I heard you're turning forty-six but come on... You're an accountant, just fudge the numbers

Jackpot. That was beautiful. All her idea, too. Awesome. She's so great.

He's in a box? Pam, he's in a BOX.

I told him that he should die his hair, to go undercover.

God this is so sad, this is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.

Pam gets a little down. Her toaster having broke, which she got at her engagement shower, for a wedding that still has yet to be set. And that was three years ago.

Well I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you want to save big on brand names, and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.

The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

Oh I can't, because I keep them hidden, I don't wanna look at them and get cocky.

This is the part where Kevin stands in front of the camcorder all night. It's great.

And we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs, which for me, has ruined them for life!

I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall. - No you don't.

I just wanted to say thanks. - That's not really a question.

What's up, Halpert? Still queer?

Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy!

You see Dwight's coffee mug ? Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it.

Let's do this ! Here, try paper-clips.

Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out. Really ? Or when we are bored. Oh my god ! Wait this goes back 2 years ! We are bored a lot.

Yeah, we call it Hate Ball. Why ? Because of how much Angela hates it.

Stanley, I just played Dunder Ball with Toby, What about you ? You got any games ? Yeah, I got a game, it's called work hard so my kids can go to college.

This scented candle, which I found in the men's bathroom, represents the eternal... burning of competition... or something. It smells like cookies.

Now the bronze are really blue, and they're also the backside of the gold, so no flipping ok ? honor system.

Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton, in English 'box of papers snowshoe racing.'

It's Phyllis ! Phyllis by a nose gold-medal in flunenton, flunkerton ! Thank you ! Delegate from Iceland.

I call it Pam-Pong, I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you. We're friends. Apparently.

Are you calling me a ho ? Oh my god, Phyllis coming alive, I like it.

What is going on ? Nothing. Guys, time is still going, or... That's my stopwatch.

I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it, for a couple of months and then throw it away. I mean it was really nice at Pam to make them, but... what am I gonna do with a gold medal made of paperclips and an old yogurt lid ?

Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo, so gold medal !

Silver medal. Yep, but not as good as gold !

Why are you playing the national hymn ? Cause your condo is in America. Oh.

What the hell is that ? Those are the doves.

- How long will it take? - Why? - Out of interest. - It will take as long as it takes. - How long did it take last time...? - It's done.

When it comes back on it'll ask you to hit yes, no or cancel. Hit cancel. Do not hit yes or no. - Right. - Did you hear what i said? - Yup. - What did i say? - Hit cancel.

I'm a three-hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause he can have me either way. Plain white Jim, or three-hole punch.

Well, I don't really have two heads, so. Wait, what are you again? Oh, right. Three-hole punch!

A doglike obedience to authority.

We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska. Or India.

He's a gun nut. Sticks to his guns.

I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.

It's in Maryland. Yeah. But, I mean, look at the salary.

Out of loyalty to this company... Oh, you idiot.

If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody. But then you wouldn't have me here. Big deal.

I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline.

That's just a figure of speech, you know? All it really means is that we're friends.

I mean, if she left I wouldn't blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.

Okay, well, you're the one who lost the desk. / I didn't lose my desk

Where was the last place you saw it?

I think you should retrace your steps.

Colder. Warmer. Little warmer...

Jim, I've given you this information like 20 times. / I know.

Hello, it's sempai. / Was that you mom? / No. That was my sensei. / Thought it was your mom.

I am now sempai, which is assistant sensei. / Assistant to the sensei, that's pretty cool. / Assistant sensei.

Your major and minor lines cross at a ridge. / That sucks. / You're making this up as you go along, aren't you?

Well, at least I don't have cavities. / Yes, you have very nice teeth. / Thanks.

As sempai, do you ever think there's gonna be a day, where humans and robots can peacefully coexist? / Impossible. The way they're programmed... / You're mocking me.

That's not advice. What advice sounds like is this. Don't ever bring your purple belt to work, because someone might... steal it.

Okay, give that back to me. / Okay, say please. / No, that is not a toy. / Please. / Please? / Good. And it absolutely is a toy.

No women or children, unless provoked. / Okay, Roy. / Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.

Michael. Could you beat up Michael? / Yeah, I don't think that would happen. / Cause we're friends. / Because I would kick his ass.

So? I've beat up black belts. Yeah. / How'd you know they were black belts? / They told me, after.

When you're a jet, your're a jet all the way, right? / You're a jet?

Well, that would be kind of worthless, because I know a ton of 14 years old girls who could kick his ass. / You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?

I'll buy you a bag of chips. / Why are you twisting around? / French onion? / Obviously.

Nice.

Who dry-cleans jeans?

Not Roy. Say it's not your fiancé.

I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting.

Agent Michael Scarn. Of the FBI.

In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head.

Do you want to play the lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?

Wait, who's Dwigt?

Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace. But that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one 'Dwigt.'

bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich

Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie.

At least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game.

It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé. Right?

Done.

More enjoyable sex. You are not having sex.

Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double tabbed manila file folders. We don't have double tabbed manila file folders. - Oh yes we do. - No we don't. Yeah, it's a new product.

I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease. That is so stupid. What if he gives it to you? Then I win.

Wait, wait, one thing. By tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right?

Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.

Michael and Jan definitely made out. - Oh! Maybe more. Also it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So, keep that going. - Yay!

Dan, this is Jim, it is about 11:15. and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the 15th and that is a... Saturday.

I thought you read these every week? Well, obviously, this one got stuck in the box. That happens occasionally.

And in conclusion, I think Lex Luther said it best, when he said, 'Dad, you have no idea, what, I'm capable of.' - That's from Superman? - Smallville.

How do you come back from that? You don't I don't think, come all the way back, you know? Especially working together. No, I mean, doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that, as a human being? Oh, yeah. No. I don't think you can.

Hey! It's 12:20. Where the hell is Dwight? No idea. Never missed a day my ass.

Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to delete all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.

It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross, but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead.

So three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal. I just think if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax.

Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. He is very real.

'Cause it's a surprise... Is it? Mm-hmm... Oh, that's perfect.

Oh, no! Oh, yeah. You were so dorky! Thank you.

Can we please not talk about paper? There's gotta be something else that we can talk about.

Jim's entire talking head about the teapot gift with inside jokes for Pam

She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was catsup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two.

This would take a little too long to explain. So I won't.

Will you help me? / No! No way. It... no.

That makes sense, because he has elfish features.

He obviously forgot to get me something. And then he went into his closet and dug out this little number. And then threw it in a bag.

That was meant for Kelly. / Yeah, I figured.

That's like the creepiest thing that I've ever seen.

Not bad... and if it couldn't go to Ryan, you are the guy I'd want it to go to.

Wow, that's weird. / Ooh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good.

I know you did this 'cause you're friends with the vending machine guy. / Who, Steve? / Yeah, Steve.

Here you know what, you can have some nickels. 5, 10. 15, 20, 25...

A ski mask and a swimsuit? So that he can have us rob a bank, and then escape through the sewers. And brush our teeth.

Last year, Michael's theme was 'bowl over the competition.' So, guess where we went?

Michael stands in the front of the boat and says he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.

Hey, why don't we find like, a quieter place to hang out? / You know what, I've just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on, Darryl, Darryl!

Sometimes, I just don't get Roy.

So. What's it like dating a cheerleader?

Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save? / Let's see... the customer. Cause the customer is king. / Not what I was looking for, but a good thought. / He's just sucking up.

Do you think that'll ever be us? / No. / What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight? / I don't know. / Let's break up.

Seasick? / Captain Jack says you should look at the moon. / Captain Jack's a fart face.

I'm on medication. / Really? What? / Vomicillin.

What happened to you? / Captain Jack has a problem with authority.

Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged. / She was always engaged. / Roy said the first one didn't count.

You know, to tell you the truth, I... used to have a big thing for Pam. So... / Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? I would have never... put you two together. You really hid it well, God!

You know, I made out with Jan. / Yeah, I know.

Well, if you like her so much, uh, don't give up. She's engaged. / B.F.D. Engaged ain't married. Never, ever, ever give up.

Jim's Russian music download site prank on Pam

Jim calling Pam 'Pan' and her confused response

Dwight's 'indestructible' cover demonstration that immediately breaks

Jim's talking head about Pam and Dwight being friends

Jim claiming Ryan is dead to avoid helping Michael

Michael's 'you only grilled your foot' dismissal from Jim

Tom Hanks disability analysis - Forrest Gump, Philadelphia, and Big confusion

Jim's talking head: 'I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman Grill'

Jim's shotgun rule explanation while Dwight has a concussion

Dwight drinking mysterious liquid from under van seat

Dwight's middle name being 'Danger' vs 'Kurt'

Jim and Pam's phone conversation about Dwight and Michael

Um, is it me or does it smell like updog in here?

What's updog? / Nothing much. What's up with you?

Hey, Stanley. Is that jacket made of updog? / I'm on the phone.

What flavor coffee is that, updog? / What's that? / I don't know. Nothing. What's up with you? / Huh? No. Damn it.

Dwight. Hey, is it me, or does this place smell like updog? / What's updog? / Gotcha! / Oh, God! Crap.

I confided in the world's worst confidant.

I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation, and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material.

Her legs or boobs, or...? / Um, she's easy to talk to, I guess. / Really? She never gets any of my jokes.

What did you guys talk about? / Just, you know, politics. Literature. / I hate you.

Well, the cat's out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam. And now I don't. / Riveting.

I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here. / Oh.

So are you gonna be, like, totally awkward around me now? / Oh, yeah. Yeah. / Hope that's okay.

What? Oh, nothing.

June. Summer. So, that'll be nice.

Is that a bird? No, I don't think it's a bird.

Don't be a wuss. Just get... No, I'm not holding your coffee.

Which I guess I'll be taking. No, no, no. Seriously, I don't mind sharing. No, no, no. Seriously, I'll be in the back.

Allergy to... the desk?

It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral.

I'm totally gonna win us that box set. Stop. Jethro Tull... Stop it. Stop it. Don't.

Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us.

Maybe that's all we need to know.

And I got your number from the corporate directory, and well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right?

Remember on Lost, when they met the Others?

We watched a video about our changing bodies. Did you really? No. Oh. Almost.

How did you know?

You gotta take a chance on something sometime, Pam.

And I'll end up winning a lot of money, because, they're idiots.

Happy Valentine's Day.

It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania based mid-size paper company regional salesman can attain

Are you sad that Dwight beat you? No. Are you gonna cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue?

Which means absolutely nothing. ... Well, it's mostly made up.

You've gotta wave your arms, and you've gotta pound your fists. Many times. So as to emphasize your point.

But I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators. Like this one. Originally given by Benito Mussolini.

I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor, but other than that...

I'm leaving on June 8th. Oh. Yeah, and I'm really sorry about that.

Bribery. Nice.

Do you need any help? No, thanks. We'd have to explain everything. It's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.

All right, I wasn't expecting that.

Hey, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. Yes, I promise.

There is no way that hurt. Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight. I didn't feel anything. Nothing. You're so weak.

You're just a middleman. Wait, why doesn't the sawmill just sell the paper directly to people? You are describing Office Depot. And they're kind of running us out of business.

Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play it? I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer.

You're late. Thank you, it's noon. But, I forgive you. Because doth, it is my birthday.

Michael's birthday. It's pretty fun to watch, actually. He gets very excited and then he eats a lot of cake. And then he runs around the office. And then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon. And then he falls asleep. And that's when we get our work done.

I can sign for it. Oh, thanks.

I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here? Maybe, but we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion and...

Sixty-nine Cup of Noodles. Which we realize sounds crass, but it is his favorite number. And his favorite lunch.

You use fabric softener? Yeah. You don't? No, I do.

Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner.

You look cute today, Dwight. / Thanks, girl.

Jim's list of marijuana symptoms perfectly describing Kevin

I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any.

That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica. / No. It's marijuana.

Two nights ago I went to an Alicia Keys concert... I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.

Jim's fake crying performance

I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.

My dad cheated a lot, but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it.

Jim's prolonged jinx torture of Dwight

Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People.

She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet.

I don't like you.

This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And my middle name is Kurt, not fart.

Yes. 5 bucks each and it was totally worth it.

That actually took a while. I had to put more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight. And then I just took them all out.

Yeah. I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day, that day.

I have a girlfriend. Sure you do, Dwight. Sure.

Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they're all probably very bad and that will make me feel better about not having dreams.

Well, you know. I have no future here.

Great song, Kev.

Yeah, you haven't seen that since 1983. That is amazing.

Yeah, I think she's full of it.

Yeah, why did you?

I'm in love with you.

I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.

You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.

I think we're just drunk. No, I'm not drunk. Are you drunk? No.

You're really gonna marry him?

I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day... so Andy started calling me Big Tuna. I don't think any of them actually know my real name.

It works. Heh.

Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Aaagh! The product... the progidal... My son returns.

When I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke.

Oh, no, sorry, it's an inside joke. There was this bartender in Stamford who... You know what? You just have to be there. Wish I was. I love inside jokes. Love to be a part of one someday.

Oh, my God. Dwight got a hooker. Oh, my God, I gotta call... I gotta call somebody. I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker!

I transferred because of Pam.

Hey, you know what? I will talk to her. No, that's okay. Yeah. That's all right. I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to... Roy.

Blood, urine, or semen. Oh, God, I hope it's urine.

Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high-pitched note and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And Pam called it Pretendonitis.

I'm just killing Germans any way I can. / We're on the German team. / Shoot the British.

I have to have an emergency crown put in. / Yes. / It's a new dentist. / He's far. I might be gone three hours. / Three hours? Wow! Have fun.

New blouse? Halter-top? Camisole? Teddy?

It's too much. / What? I'm gonna return it. / No. You have to keep it today, just see how you feel.

It's the new guy. / Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know what we're talking about. / See what I mean?

Andy, it's not... / I'm gonna kill you for real. / This game, the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you.

Your dentist's name is Crentist? / Yeah. / Sounds a lot like dentist. / Maybe that's why he became a dentist.

Jim's awkward silence and 'Okay' responses to Michael's casual death discussion

Immediate cut to normal business discussion after death talk

Jim dramatically declaring they're not doing anything until Karen gets her chips

You know, a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated. You're thinking of a chicken.

I gave him a six-foot extension cord, so he can't chase us.

Never pegged you for a quitter.

The absurd chip search checking copier and fax machine

Jim rescuing Pam from grief counseling with fake car trouble

Jim's elaborate fake phone call pretending to be Mike from West Side Market

Jim's Lion King story with cousin Mufasa trampled by wildebeests

All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.

Jim calling a Montreal supermarket in French looking for Herr's chips

You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into.

Jim's elaborate explanation of finding chips through manufacturer chain

Brain teaser sequence where Jim knows all the answers immediately

Extremely excited? Just very. That's cool.

Chair theft sequence with Jim and Pam

Kelly singing with Jim trying to stop her

This is not a proportionate response.

Whatever happened to those guys?

Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael?

How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?

Fancy New Beesly would make that up. New apartment, new stories...

Most apartments these days have, like, three. Three kitchens? Yes. How are you gonna cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?

You look so handsome. You really do. I love the material. I know. How come you didn't get me one? I...

I don't know. Who's, uh, who's going? Ohh...you mean, like, is Pam going?

Nice basket. Thank you.

M. Night Shyamalan. The Village, Unbreakable, Sixth Sense. I see dead people. Okay! Spoiler alert. He was dead the whole time.

Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your... skinny little arms.

We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I. Roller-coastery friendship. Hot and cold. On again, off again. Sexual-tension-filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane. From Cheers.

Hey, big tuna, you ready? Yep. One, two, three. Shot! Ohh! Holy mother of God. Ooh, that burns. Golly!

Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael. Is it? He's really outgoing, huh?

It's hot in there. How's the naan? Dry. You looked like you were having fun. I am. You should come dance with us. I have to watch our shoes, so they don't get stolen.

Hey, dummy, get the car. I'm a drunk driver. Yes, you are. Here, let me take that. Just, get in the car. You can really hold your liquor, though. Yeah, you can't.

Jim reveals he's been sending Dwight faxes from himself in the future about poisoned coffee

Rumor has it that the Scranton branch is 'gklch.' In your face. Sucka.

Say what you will about Michael Scott. But he would never do that.

No, no, no. Just, um, some personal stuff. And I'm not really ready to revisit that, I don't think.

Well, you know, I've got art school. Oh, that's... Yeah, of course, you should totally do that. That's a great idea. Yeah, um... I am already. I started a while ago.

Cornell has an extensive alumni network so... We look out for each other. Probably go back and teach or something. Where'd you go to college? Hm, Cornell.

New York City is 45 minutes down the road from here. And you wanna move to Scranton.

I'm, uh... I'm really glad you're still gonna be working here. Yeah, me, too. I mean, it'd... It's be a pain to have to find another job so...

I think you should take it. Okay, yeah. Maybe I will.

Jim's talking head revealing the 'stopwatch' is actually a digital thermometer

Jim's fake introduction: 'I'm new here' followed by immediate acknowledgment of the obvious joke

Dwight's intimidation attempt with forehead staring

The awkward desk situation resolution

Kelly's celebrity baby information dump

Jim's callback to 'The Scranton Witch Project'

Jim's evolution from grape soda to bottled water

That would be fun for no one.

She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags with the old guy.

But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice? Yep, that's perfect.

I kidnapped the President's son and held him for ransom. That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike. An I never got caught neither.

And circle gets the square.

Wow, win-win.

It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. Is bold the right word?

I think one of her cats did once. She came in with scratches all over her face.

As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees. And I am the sole member.

I've determined this committee is valid.

You don't know? Dude, you should know. Yeah, well, it's been hard. They're wearing the exact same uniform. And I've been drinking. And you know how all... waitresses look alike.

Let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck

Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet... Jim Carrey just walked in

That is Animal from the Muppet Babies. You can't see my stomach...

How have we not talked about this already? I mean, what happened there? Kidnapping?

Jim calling a meeting and immediately pushing card stock in a deadpan, business-like manner

Jim fabricating increasingly absurd lies about Dwight being naked with a knife

Jim claiming Jim Carrey walked in and Dwight should get his autograph for Michael

Muppet Babies tattoo reveal - Karen joins in and Jim confirms it's Animal

Jim claiming to chainsaw off Phyllis' head with sound effects

Everyone spotting Jan and Michael's panicked 'German woman named Urgle Grue' excuse

Jim admitting he's in a 'stupid fight with Karen'

Jim's comment about it being better than listening to Michael play conch shell

Jim's 'How have we not talked about this already? Kidnapping?' reaction to Michael-Jan news

Roy's injured face and Jim's protective reaction

That's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him. / Yeah, you can.

Well, you should bring Long Tim in one day. / I'd love to meet Long Tim.

It's like we're touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what. I'm not falling in a chocolate river.

Oh, young Jim. I was just... so much... I need to warn you about, and yet, tragically, I cannot.

It's the safest part of a car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.

every success I've ever had, at my job or with 'the lady-folk,' Has come from my ability to slowly, and painfully, wear someone down.

Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael.

I used to work at Abercrombie, So... pretty good folder.

Except for Dwight. He is kind more of a super dud. I mean, he'd be a super friend, if there was a Super Friends who has super power was always being late.

Hawkman.

I have walked two marathons, so...

7 out of 10 attacks are from the rear. / Okay, but that still leaves a 30 percent chance that I'll attack you from the front.

Dunder Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly. / Oh my god, Jim, how are you?

I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays.

You can pay me back later for the makeover.

Did you ever have a thing for Pam? / Pam? Did I ever have a thing for her? No... Why, did she say something?

Well, happy's such an ugly word.

Andy and the Tuna...

I miss Dwight.

Congratulations, universe. You win.

Addition by subtraction. What does that even mean? That is impossible. Yeah, you're right.

TGI Wednesday. Am I right? Yeap. Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my Lost on.

Where're you going? Bathroom. Oh, I'm about to go to kitchen. I'll walk with you.

Each file is password-protected with a different mythical creature, so...

Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv something.

Do you want to pull a prank on Andy? Not right now. But ask me again ten years ago.

I liked you better as the temp. Me too.

Oh sure. We talk all the time. Really? No. Don't- Don't do that. That's not nice.

Would you like to pull a prank on Andy? I'm kind of in the middle of ... yes, please.

You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling. You know what? Maybe you're in the ceiling!

Oh my god. That's half-inch drywall. I think we broke his brain.

Do you still have feelings for her? [pause] Yes.

Good advice, Beesly. Thanks. See you out there? Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk!

Who wants some man meat? I do! I want some man meat! Michael, Dwight would like your man meat. Well, then, my man meat he shall have.

Oh, damn. I lost another file. Gonna have to reboot, again.

In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. So, for the past couple weeks, I've been conducting a similar experiment.

Altoid? Sure. Mint, Dwight? 'Mint, Dwight?' Yes.

What are you doing? I... What? I don't know. I...

'P and R'? Phyllis and Robert? Oh, of course. Also, Pam and Roy.

But just know, if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you. If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you. Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis.

When are we gonna get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves? I'm pacing myself. Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want. No. I'm such a dorky dancer. I know. And it's very cute.

Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then, no, it's totally hypothetical.

Hey! They're playing our song, huh? Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played The Police. I know. I... I gave them 20 bucks.

You wanna dance?

Hey, you wanna get out of here?

Here's a non-hypothetical, I'm really happy I'm with Karen.

Jim's talking head: 'Brangelina is with Frangelina. Moving on.'

Office having bat problem with no openable windows, followed by 'Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!'

Jim's vampire transformation: feeling 'tingly' and 'strangely powerful' after bat bite

Jim's vampire symptoms: bread is 'white-hot' to him but cold to others

Jim's vampire symptoms: headache from Angela's crucifix glare

Jim's vampire exit: needs to go home, draw shades, 'There's just so much sun in here'

Jim's art critique: 'Your art was the prettiest art of all the art'

I know how. He'd dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out.

So we shouldn't help you no matter how much you might beg and plead.

Didn't expect to need a reason, so, let me think here. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time. Or in my work time. And... did I use the word 'pointless'?

Okay, well, we're going to a bar.

You're dressed exactly like the servants.

I don't think your's will fit me. I don't care.

Have you dated like every guy here? Wow. Okay. You got me. I so got you. So, none of them. Of course not. I mean, you're kind of like, my first.

You can call me Drew. / No, I'm not gonna call you that. / Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what I do.

Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug. / Okay, tell him that that's not true. / Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.

Tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. / Jim! / Andy... Nah, that's too far.

He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours. / Okay... okay. / No, constantly... like, for years.

Ryan describing Netflix queue management in elaborate detail while others time him

Maybe we should test this first, Letterman-style. Throw a TV over. / We measured it once. / Go buy some watermelons. / Seedless?

Hey, check it out. There's a castle over there. / Oh, my God. There is a castle. / No, there's nothing to see over there, people. There's nothing to see.

He's going to kill himself pretending to kill himself.

No, I'm not gonna call you that. / Cool. / I can't control what you do. I can only control what I do.

Andy, Dwight says welcome back and that he could use a hug. / Tell him that that's not true. / Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.

Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. / Jim, tell him! / Andy... No, it's too far. / Damn you.

He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours. / Okay. Okay. / No, constantly. Like for years.

Will I be too warm in a long-sleeved tee? / Everyone's going to be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

Hey, check it out, there's a castle over there. / Oh, my God, there is a castle. / No. There's nothing to see over there, people. There's nothing to see.

He's going to kill himself pretending to kill himself.

Hey, Michael, don't jump on the bouncy castle. You can't do that 'cause you're going to get horribly, horribly injured.

Dwight's elaborate demerit system that eventually leads back to Michael

What's a dis... what's that? Oh, you don't want to know.

You wanna go in the women's bathroom? Not really. I've seen a bathroom before. Yeah, but... it's every guy's fantasy.

Nothing... I think, uh, we all kinda thought you guys were just, like, hooking up. No, we've been dating for six months.

In the women's bathroom, above the sink.

About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.

We will be called Gryffindor. Really? Not Slytherin? Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim. I know.

Okay, we will be Voldemort. He who must not be named? I wouldn't do that. Voldemort. Okay, seriously... Voldemort! Voldemort, Voldemort... You really shouldn't be say... Hey, hey, hey. Voldemort. Voldemort! Idiots!

I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am.

Did you say 'sandwich?' No. I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying... Sabotage... ...the ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.

I will misunderstand everything that Andy says, until he goes insane.

Oh, my God... I have never seen that look in a man's eyes ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day.

Yes, I would like to be considered for the corporate position in well. 'In well?' As well. How would that work... in well? I just want to know. That would be fine. This job is in a well. I don't want it.

Nope. Ju... why not? Come on. Oh, 'cause I don't want my feet to get burned. You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager. That's harsh.

Michael, on Thursday, I'm gonna drive down and interview with David for the open position in New York. Okay, that is not funny. I am deducting 60 points from Voldemort for false pretenses.

What's different about you? / You look worse.

homeless.

Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving? / Cruise control.

Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now, check out time is never. / Does my room have cable? / No. And the sheets are made of fire.

You're not the manager even in your own fantasy? / I'm the owner. The co-owner with Satan!

In your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?

You mean Kevin?

That is Beardy. / Beardy? / That's just what I call him.

Wow. That was some serious, hardcore, self destruction. / Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though. / Don't. She's nuts.

How'd I get to be so awesome? Because, I don't have an answer for you.

Are you free for dinner tonight? / Yes. / All right. Then, it's a date.

What kind of celebrity? It's not relevant. How much did you pay for it? Not relevant. You paid for it? It all happened so fast.

What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?

Who was driving? [silence] Oh, Michael.

One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.

What's your strategy for this race? Well, I'm going to start fast. Then I'm going to run fast in the middle. Then I'm going to end fast. Why won't more people do that? 'Cause they're stupid.

Right. ...we're dating. Wow! There it is. Yeah. We haven't told anybody, but it's going really great.

So I closed the door but the image of his... Baguette? ...dangling participle still burned in my eyes.

Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us?

Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy... Because today... is the day... that Jim and Pam... become one. Actually, we're dating for 2 months.

Can you make that straighter? That's what she said.

How can you even use that one naturally? Blowing up balloons, I thought.

Let's just wait and see what happens, you know. What? Well, let's just wait.

Fire guy! Don't start any fires, Ryan. Fire guy! You weren't here for that. Here for what? When he started the fire.

No, they have been dating for, like, two years. Since before your barbeque.

You knew. And you didn't say anything? You didn't say anything to me. Fair enough.

And... that is why we waited so long to tell people.

What is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles? What? I don't wanna grow weird sperm in case we ever wanna have kids.

All right, I just have to ask. Now that we're public... is the magic gone? It's funny you bring that up, because yes, it is. I knew it. I now find you repulsive.

I guess he can't get any girl he wants.

There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day. And sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen and at the last minute it hits the wall and bounces away. We are all just dying to see it go right into the corner.

Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay... I believe she thinks she saw it.

Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who were both already prone to unpleasantness.

I can't tell if he's mocking me. - Just ignore him. Can't do that. It's really hard for me to let things go. I was. Mocking. Thank you.

Who am I? (computer voice) You tell me. (computer voice) Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out.

I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me, but I never intended to use them. What did intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.

Good-Bye. I love you. I love you-- Okay. I'm leaving inside Jim's car I don't know when I'll be back again Yes, I do Tomorrow I'll be back I'll be back tomorrow

What are you doing? That is an invitation to an online party. No. I'm sure that's not-- Are there... three 'Ws' at the beginning of the address? - Yes. - Yep.

Doesn't it piss you off sometimes that little twerp got the promotion over us? Oh, actually I withdrew from consideration. Yeah, I withdrew too.

I'm Ryan, and... tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would. Because... it didn't work out for me. I'm very embarrassed. I have egg all over my face. And... I'm 12 years old.

Jim's talking head: 'He's a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character.'

Michael: 'minushka' then 'Macushla' - Jim: 'He's watching Million Dollar Baby. He's gonna try to kill me.'

Michael: 'You wouldn't understand, Jim. It's a secret.' Jim: 'I wouldn't understand or it's a secret?' Michael: 'You wouldn't understand, Jim. It's a secret.'

Jim and Pam making beet puns: 'The Beets Motel. Borscht Hotel. The Embassy Beets. Radish Inn.'

Jim: 'Yes, we will be requiring a bedtime story.' Pam: 'No.' Jim: 'Not even Harry Potter?' Pam: 'No--Jim, come on.' Jim: 'But you promised.'

Jim talking head: 'What? Oh, I thought you asked me what are chances were of being murdered here tonight.'

Jim talking head: 'Wine that wasn't made out of beets... I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure. Just...less.'

Visual gag: Mose throwing manure at Jim

Visual: Jim encountering an outhouse

Dwight: 'Does Mose have nightmares?' 'Oh, yes. Ever since the storm.'

Michael destroys money: 'You just put it back in your pocket.' 'Yeah, but I destroyed it. It's not even usable anymore.'

Jim and Pam's fake Schrute Farms review: 'Table-making never seemed so possible.' 'You will never want to leave your room.'

Jim: 'I'm very passionate about Italian food. In fact... I'm in love with Italian food.'

There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and then at the last minute, it hits a wall and bounces away. We are all just dying to see it go right into the corner.

Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it.

Dwight mercy-killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela, who were both already prone to unpleasantness.

What? He's going through a breakup. Yeah. I'm aware of that, but he's also being super-annoying, and I'm not a perfect person.

That is an invitation to an online party. No. No. I'm sure that's not. Are there three 'W's' at the beginning of the address? Yes. Yeah.

Actually, I withdrew from consideration. Yeah. I withdrew too.

You looking for dinner and a movie? 'Cause you're not gonna find it in that box. It just so happens, I know where you can find it, but again, not in the box.

I'm not kidnapping him. I'm keeping him until I get what I want. As a hostage. I think you're over-thinking it.

I will know. - But you will not tell anyone. I won't need to, 'cause we'll be together playin' hooky! Well, sometimes. Most of the time, I will be with Ryan.

Surprise! - Yes! - Look at his face! - Look at his face! - What are we doing?

Well, that kinda sucks, because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it. So... Oh, no. That is too bad.

You kidding me? We've been driving with this in the trunk the whole time?

So... the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache.

So why did you and Karen break up? - Was it the sex? - What? - I can't imagine the sex being bad. Her body...

Dwight, are you peeing? - I'm peeing in this empty can. - Oh, my god! - That is disgusting, Dwight.

Copy that.

No, I didn't wanna see you. Not that I'm not happy to be seeing you. Right now. I'm just saying, ultimately, I was here for the copier. Equal. I'd say it was equal.

Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes. And I am always busy.

Your body only has a certain amount.

Asbestos. I thought we had that looked at.

Let's put it this way: no, I do not.

What? There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast.

Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.

He only sings the high harmony to 'Happy Birthday.'

And he's a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault.

I want pie. I want peach pie. You want a birthday pie? I want a nice cobbler.

Toby's great. He's great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. 'I don't see the harm in that.' Well, it's a cake Toby, so, c'mon.

Hey, Michael. I mean Jim. Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.

Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once. Terrible idea. Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.

Just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out. I don't think I'll be here in ten years. That's what I said.

I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard. That's what she said.

When I was a kid, my parents got divorced. They both wanted custody. And they both asked me to testify against the other one in court. So, I don't know. I didn't want them to get divorced in the first place. I loved them both so much. I just wanted...

Oh, it has losers.

Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight... That's not different enough. Dwike?

It's called Second Second Life for those people who want to be removed even further from reality.

[Jim's dawning realization reaction]

Oh, today we saw a junkyard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.

Nature.

Some of us like the walk more than others. KEVIN: It hurts like hell.

(IMITATING CHAIR MECHANISM) I really want it.

Try not to be so hurtful, Jim. Jim, how dare you? Please, not at a time like this.

I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged. Have I not proposed to you yet? I don't... No. Oh. Well, that's coming.

No, I'm not gonna do it right here. That would be rather lame.

And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly. So, stay sharp.

I am not kidding.

Got it a week after we started dating.

There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say goodbye. I think you need to say goodbye.

I guess you could say she died of blunt-force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hangar.

She was stoned, apparently.

My shoe is untied. What is your problem? Oh, my God! You thought I... No, no, no. How could I have thought that?

But, best-case scenario, you thought it was a quarter.

We have peanut butter in the kitchen. I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich. Nope, not for you, it's for your hair.

Dwight, not the good peanut butter... People are gonna get mad.

The one time a year they hear one.

Hey... Chief. This is Jim Halpert from... where you work. You're the guy who sits behind the desk. You're the... the african-american guy.

Please don't pick up. Hello? Hank... Is that you? Yeah. Still haven't left the house yet, huh? I'm getting ready to leave. Good. Please hurry. Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks.

Why are you assuming they only speak spanish? I just... If they speak spanish.

Okay? It happens they speak spanish. Lucky us.

Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least nine times. And every time, we've been able to get out of it. But I've got to give him credit. He got me. Because I'm starting to suspect that there was no assignment from corporate.

Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago? I have been getting ready, and then driving over here.

What is that, chestnut? / No, it's either pine of nordic cherry. / It's pine.

I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party.

Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game. And it's called, 'Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests.' And they're both winning.

Thought about it. I'm in.

Man, I would love to burn your candles! / You burn it, you buy it! / Oh, good, I'll be your first customer! / You're hardly my first. / That's what she said!

Oh, today we saw a junk yard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.

Nature.

I definitely remember your dinner party.

Call us when you get there, so we know you're okay.

Have I not proposed to you yet? I don't... No. Oh. Well, that's coming.

And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly. So, stay sharp.

She was stoned, apparently.

My shoe is untied. What is your problem? Oh, my God! You thought I... No, no, no. How could I have thought that?

Jimbo. / Ah, they moved the shower. / Did you see Holly's butt? / Nope, I didn't.

Because most of the time friends don't talk about other friends' butts.

That's insane. I thought you had to pee. / I'll just go later.

Something about a guy who used to work here.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.

You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil? / Cool. / Thank god they found her too. / Oh, they found her?

When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father... By telling us that he was the father.

I've even started, um, volunteering. Giving back to the community. / That's great. / You're talking about your court-ordered community service? / I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean. / But he did, right?

I'm gonna write you both up for not working. / I'm gonna write you up for not working. / Okay. Well played. / Neither of us will write the other up for not working.

Pam, will you marry me? / Oh, my god! / So? / Yes!

Not one of them called to congratulate me on our engagement... That, they might be off the hook for, because I didn't tell them.

I thought you were already engaged. Nope. That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy. Thank you, Angela.

A little close to my engagement there, Tuna. What's your game here? To get married. She's not a virgin, you know.

This meeting.

You had said that you don't do anything personal during work time, so I'm just making sure.

Really? That's cool. The story's kind of bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.

At 12:45, he sneezed while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32, he peed. And I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk while filling out expense reports.

It's exhausting, being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today.

Sign this. Uh-uh-uh. Where's the please? We're not animals. Sign it. No. Not without a please. Idiot.

I'd like to lodge a complaint... Who is this about? You... I take complaints very seriously... If you stop crying, I'll stop writing it. I'm not... That is not true.

Can I talk to you in my office for a second? Sure. But could I first talk to you in my office?

Well, to be fair, Jim, James... Jimothy. To be fair, Jimothy... That sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim? I am.

I hate registries... My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be surprised when you see it.

Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door? You don't need to answer that. If you don't smell this, you're fired.

What do you mean by 'these' people? This is a conference room meeting... I think that Jim has gone insane because he thinks that my office is a conference room.

Hey, why haven't we ever... We have.

Do you mean, like, break in, in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll? No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.

You use your brain too much... Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all. You just came up with that. As I was saying it.

I've been studying Michael for years and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart. How Michael spends his time... this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger so that you could see it.

Why don't you enliven me?... Okay. Here's a tough decision for you, you suck. You suck.

Michael's my only friend left in the office. Except Pam. I think.

What's in here? Gin.

I am right in assuming that Dwight is short for d-Money. 'Cause that's what i wrote on your save-The-Date.

J-Money. Or should it be t-Money, for tuna? Receptionist-Money. K-Money.

What are you making? A knife. You're making a knife with a knife? You got a better way?

You wanna talk about it? About what? You know I know. You know they know. I know none of that. And if i did, you'd be the last to know.

So apparently Pam went out last night And accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning. I'm not drunk. I'm on minute six of this message.

Okay, i do not sound like that. You can take the girl out of philly... Scranton. The future mother of my children.

She thought I was mcnabb. I can see that.

To me.

No. You know what? No. Because... I'm not that guy. And we are not that couple.

A cat? We were looking for kitten

My costume's getting a lot of attention. So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here

I can't even take off my hat because then I'm Hitler

Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two

Miles Davis. One. Chet something. Half

Text message from my brother. 'Pam cool. Welcome to the family.'

How about at Thanksgiving we 'prank' Tom about being bald?

Hey, sport! I heard someone got engaged, you dog! Yeah. God! Nothing can hurt you now. You're a man in love!

Big idea, double wedding! Me, Angela, you, Holly. No. We would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.

It's the receipt to my bridesmaid dress. What's that doing there? I'll take care of that for you.

but Pam's a gold digger. Hey, New York ain't free.

Pam, what do you want on your coffee? Sprinkle of cinnamon. Sprinkle of cinnamon.

Yo, Tommy Tuna. Did you get your scores yet? No. I got mine, they were really good.

That's my mug. Sorry, I was just... It was right here. Right. Well, it's mine, so if you could pour it out and get another one.

That is my mug, so give it back. How can you even be sure? That's my face on it.

Make the face. I don't see it. Dude, that is my face.

What color mustard is his shirt, yellow or Dijon? It is spicy brown, actually.

Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant. I think he means smug. Arrogance. Michael, I'm just trying to... And there is our smudgeness.

I need a decent bonus because I'm actually in the process of buying my parents' house so that they can retire.

And if history tells us anything, it's that you can't go wrong buying a house you can't afford.

Pam doesn't know about the house, so it's a fun surprise.

Maybe it's 'cause you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist. Little bit. Worth it.

Jim, what is that called? Micro-gement. Boom. Yes.

Ring, ring. Hello? Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin paper company.

I am Bill Buttlicker.

Really? That's your real name? How dare you? My family built this country, by the way.

No. I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He's so dumb. Probably just going to keep him on the line forever and not buy anything.

Sorry, you just have to speak a little bit louder, I'm hard of hearing. He's hard of... He's an old man.

The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult.

I'm going to buy $1,000,000 worth of paper products today. See how it's done? You are the master.

You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly. Don't do it, Michael. It's a million-dollar sale.

They might be listening to us. What's that? Who is 'they'? Customer service might be monitoring this conversation! In this car?

Who stands to benefit from our downfall? The mob? Maybe NASA. Could be the mob.

Cute shoes online. How many shoes do you need? I don't know, two, maybe three, if one wears out.

How many shoes do you need? I'm not talking to you. Who are you talking to? Pam. She's not here, Jim. No, she's not.

Well, stop. Hold your breath. I still hear it. Who's there? Kelly, is that you?

Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath? No, actually.

Her America's Got Talent finale party over the summer. That's crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there. You were there. I remember you being there. I wasn't, but thank you.

Boom! Kelly the whole time. Let's get her. No, no, no, no. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight.

Is that the Matsahashi B-400? The world's tiniest Bluetooth. May I? Don't.

To Canada. Where is it? Canada.

T-minus... 6.5 days.

everyone here has just been so excited for me and involved and intrusive and weird

This can't happen again. This has to happen again. Darryl can't happen again.

Oh, my God, he's gonna kill us. I'd like to see him try.

He says it's cool. He said it's cool! That's all he wrote? That's all he wrote.

Didn't you two date for, like, a long time? Mmm-hmm. This is like a fairytale.

I'm not going inside. All right. First thing in the morning, then.

He looks worse. / No

Also it's icky back there. / That's true. People say it's icky.

And why would you wanna buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling and a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building?

We should hang out by the Quarry and throw things down there. / Definitely, we should.

But I'm actually not allowed in here, so.

EVER SINCE PAM AND I STARTED DATING, I JUST FEEL A LITTLE WEIRD ASKING HER TO MAKE COPIES FOR ME.

BEESLY, ARE YOU THREATENING ME?

AND I HAVE MY ORIGINAL. SO SUCK IT.

HEY, MICHAEL, WHAT'S 394 TIMES 5,912?

TOTALLY KIDDING. I'M GONNA NEED FOUR.

Jim's talking head: 'the one thing that thousand-year-old martial arts do all the time is change'

Jim suggests Dwight fight himself: 'I think the most worthy opponent of you is you'

Jim and Pam's commentary on Dwight fighting himself: 'he's making you look like such a fool' 'He really is'

Jim continues commentary: 'You two are so evenly matched, I don't know how one of you is gonna get the upper hand'

Article paywall: 'It's $1.99 to finish the article'

Michael's dismissive 'Are you serious?' about paying $1.99 while Jim says 'Tuna beat me to it'

Bathroom exchange: 'Did you throw up in there?' 'No, just pooping. You know how I be.' 'But it smells like throw-up' 'Crazy world, lot of smells'

Jim's callback: 'Tube City. You owe me one'

Jim's explanation of Tube City: 'plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them'

Southern accent debate: 'You don't have to keep saying I do declare anytime you say something, it means you're declaring.' 'That is the way Southern people talk.' 'And what designing woman are you basing that on?' 'Delta Burke, I do declare.'

Accent criticism: 'You sound like Forrest Gump.' 'I do not.' 'Well, you do, actually. You got this kind of like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sort of spilling out of your mouth.'

Swedish Chef confusion: 'Oh, now do the Swedish Chef.' 'I'm not familiar. What province is he from?' 'He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.'

'Snapped or stuck?' 'Both. They're both worse.'

Jim's lifeboat metaphor: 'if you're a family stuck on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, one parent might want to just keep rowing. But if the other parent wants to play a game, it's not because they're crazy. It's because they're doing it for the kids.'

Triple agent reveal: 'Andy revealed himself to be a double agent, at which point, Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was a double agent, and then, Michael announced to everybody that, get this, he was a double agent.'

12 miles an hour. eat that, carl lewis!

Angela made several 9-1-1 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. it's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard.

wow, 13! no, no. no, there was wind. i was just jogging. dwight, there was wind.

31 is humanly impossible.

andy still doesn't know that angela's having an affair with dwight. and it's been 17 days. i mean, eventually he'll figure it out... when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth.

how can he still not know?

what is wrong with you? she is engaged. did you ever have intercourse in this office?

are you serious? ugh. where?

where, dwight? seems like you already know where.

is she crazy in bed? yes. stop. how so, specifically? what? okay, listen. eager and flexible.

i am already walking. michael, once this gets out, i don't know how it's gonna go down. okay, what does that mean? might get ugly.

what are you standing for? if i'm sitting, i can't disable his neck or his groin. you're not gonna do anything to his neck or his groin. if i'm sitting, i don't have the option to.

the prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. he deserves the win.

Dwight obsessing over a random red wire, Jim dismissing it as normal computer parts

The Hilary Swank vote ends in a 5-5 tie

Multiple people volunteering to seduce the fictional daughter of Prince Paper

Jim's elaborate Kevin fantasy scenario about Hilary Swank

We don't give Kevin full internet access

Jim: 'That's the thing about debating. People just get entrenched in the view they had in the first place'

That could be a little confusing, because in sales ABC means 'Always Be Closing.'

We don't normally download films illegally because we're honest, hard-working people. And we don't know how.

We mostly just talked about cereal.

50 percent of marriages end in divorce, so it was her parents or my parents.

Jim's reaction to Michael's PA antics - visible exasperation and sighing

Screw you guys. You're dead to me. / If you say screw you one more time... / Yeah, screw you, beet farmer, I didn't forget your birthday.

I guess my only wish would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again. / Oh, God. Okay. / In a way, it's good that it happened to me because at least I can bear it.

Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand. / You haven't blown them up enough. / Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons? / They match the carpet.

"It is your birthday," period. / It's a statement of fact. / Not even an exclamation point? / This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.

It's Mose. Who do you think it is? / Mose doesn't know how to use a phone, so joke's on you.

How old is she? / Twenty-four. Thirty-seven. / Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation?

Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center. / Juvie.

I thought you said yesterday was your birthday.

I hate it. How do you hate it? It's a cake.

I forgot if there was an 'E' between the 'L' and the 'Y.' I still don't know.

It's birthday. Frosting. Those aren't themes.

Nice job on the cake, bozo. Okay, you know what? Next time, I'll let you get the cake and I get to scream at the birthday girl.

Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue?

The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat are not things I want to go into. Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball.

our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch football, mating, charades and, yes, horse hunting.

Why is there a Chiclet on my cake? That's the best part. That represents a pillow. Or a television.

Because the fun part is you get to decide on an hour of television or an hour of napping. That's our theme.

Can she pick a half hour of each? No. No.

vending machine.

that was funny. thatwasfunny. let's go do it to somebody else.

you're only engednce. well,present company excluded,but- really,jim. on cupid's birthday.

when things went bad,they had a duel over me. yeah,dwight and andy. we were here.

i'm okay. feel a little lopsided 'cause of all the blood they took out of my right side.

they've been in there for like ten minutes. bob ordered hot food. and i think they gave him too many fries.

Character trying to tell knock-knock joke while someone is on phone, creating overlapping dialogue chaos

Guys with girlfriends don't.

Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later?

Like that? No. Stop it.

He can do the same, right now, by getting fired instead of you.

I just got out of the shower. One second. When you are done, open the door.

We have other houses to visit. If you wanna come back then, that'd be fine. We'll come back at... How is 4:45? I get home from work around 6:00. How about 5:15?

15-minute round of applause followed by 15-minute moment of silence

Michael agreeing with Jim because he's wearing a tux

This is what you did last night?

Jim's elaborate tux explanation falling flat with Charles

You pet the animals, they pet you back.

He finally has a story we really wanna hear. And he knows it.

Typical American arrogance that got us involved in a war we never should have been in. That's a really... World War II.

And just like that, as mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone.

I did have a chance to think about it, but then I thought about something else.

I'm going with him. What? Pam. I'm going! Pam, you can't be serious. Michael, wait! I'm coming with you. You are? Yeah.

It's not how you leave an office. It's how you... Jim, Jim, Jim. We're having a company meeting here.

Michael showing blurry photo claiming it's Johnny Depp in his condo complex

Well, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie. Sure. That they should do one.

Jim calling Michael's pirate impression 'Cap'n Crunch' instead of Captain Jack Sparrow

M. Night Schulman?

Honey, if I don't have time to answer an email, I definitely don't have time to walk over to your desk

Great. Teddy, nice. Let me just... Let me write that down real quick. Pencil. Give me a pencil.

I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you? Nothing but vomit and diapers over here. Oh, my God. I couldn't envy you more.

When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, a certain manager will go to his moppy place. He means his mopey place. It's under that street lamp that he thinks was in Casablanca

Hey. I guess you probably won't give me your leads since I'm a jerk salesman. Yeah. I basically wish you were dead

Colder. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer! Hot! Hotter. Burning hot! Lower. Are you... Lower. Are you sure? Lower.

I have new baby pictures. Jim. Don't use your cute baby to make us like you. She's wearing a Onesie. Stop it.

If we act nice now, then we're rewarding them for treating us poorly. Didn't we kind of start it? Mmm. I think you're remembering that wrong

Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods. If they don't have an iPod by now, they really don't want one

Well, you better be happy, taking 2% of our... 2% milk! What I forgot for the coffee. Yeah, treats, Stanley. They've accepted our simple offer of treats only, nothing more

Okay. Not gonna make this one.

So kelly kapoor has decided to hover around my desk so that she can run into charles' office every time he calls for kelly. She thinks that if she says 'you wanted me,' enough, he will,in fact,want her. It's not the worst plan she's ever had.

What the hell is a rundown?

I'm gonna dive into the rundown. I'll be exhausted,'cause 's like a triathlon.

Oh,this is just something i'm taking a break with. But I will get back to the rundown,uh,right now.

You're working hard on this? No,not- not too hard. Not harder than I should. Right. I mean,why work harder than you should?

Just faxing my dad a rundown.

Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face.

Several years. Wait, no, that can't be right. No, timeline's messy.

the haunted graveyard of their love

$9,000. I don't know, it seems like a lot for an a cappella group from a college we never went to.

It's so scary how right the things you're saying are. And you're coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course I trust your opinion on this.

What'd you do that for? You know what I was doing. Okay. Totally.

And you have bad skin. Look, everyone, we're all making observations!

I spent a month putting that Rolodex on his BlackBerry, which he now uses as a nightlight.

Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it's not exactly like Highlander, but still.

Really? Does he do good work or... - No, Jim. I use a bad apiarist.

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. - My new 'Dwight' ring. - I like it. Good, right? Idiot, we're starting back up.

Oh, man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure. - What is wrong with you?

We're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks. - Missed the last part. - That's a pun. Got it.

In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny, and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we can talk about you in front of you.

It's a pen.

You have a major self-destructive streak in you. I know. And you... You kind of torpedo every romantic relationship you're in. That's not true. You're right. I ruin everything.

Holly, Carole, Jan. Helene. Helene? My mother. Oh! My mother, Helene.

I got her! Ooohhh... not cool, dwight. Not cool, man.

We are office drones. We are office drones. All we do is work... is work... if you don't take out his battery, He just keeps going all day

Daddy's here, and daddy's gonna take care of you. Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy. I am your big daddy...

It is a daytime disco on the ground floor of an industrial office building. It's a cafe disco. So, like, a disco cafe. No, no. Not even close.

What dance competition? I was just dancing casually with my friends, ya!

Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken pot pie for lunch, and then he fell asleep.

Should I have left the car running?

You weren't even moving.

So technically they are doing parkour As long as point 'a' is delusn and point 'b' is the hospital.

He didn't do anything sexual. He just made far, far too many monica lewinsky jokes.

Wait, there's not gonna be a shotgun? - Nope. - No shotgun? 'cause that changes everything.

Free at last. Free at last.

Y'all having birthday cake? - That's not a very good Darryl.

I'll punch you into mush, see?

Example: he handed out jell-o shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown Marathon.

I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark.

I'd like to lodge a complaint. I'm sorry to hear about that. Who is this about? You.

I'm just going to write, 'Held back tears.' Wait, stop writing that. That is not true. If you stop crying, I'll stop writing it. I'm not...

Jimothy. To be fair, Jimothy... That sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim? I am.

Really? You just agree to that? I can be very surprising.

When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore. Right. All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.

Hey, why haven't we ever... We have.

Do you mean, like, break in, in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll? No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.

You use your brain too much. I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less? Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all. You just came up with that. As I was saying it. Yeah.

I've been studying Michael for years and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart. How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others. And this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger so that you could see it.

I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well. Ha! That, I am not known for that.

My plan, a man, Panama. That's not how that goes.

Who's that? Toby. Okay, he's not a part of this, you know that. Just wanted to draw a picture of him.

I will skip a turn. Okay, you're going to still have to play that bean, you know that. I need more time.

Not according to the beans.

What's in here? Gin.

Question for you, would you guys rather have $100 now or $5,000 a year from now? $100 now, for sure. Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee, I put in $100 of my own money, as the gift.

How sure is this? The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game.

Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed.

It's amazing, a three-ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so badass.

Well, what do you think? I spent all morning doing it. It is really special. Yeah, but aren't you supposed to do that to our... No. It's great.

Believe it or not, Kevin, firecrackers are in the 'Don't' column.

Click. You blinked. Damn it, now that's in my brain forever. Lousy picture! We should have hired a professional to take the mental pictures.

Especially the Florida cousins, who obviously can't take a hint.

Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times.

I've been driving stick since high school.

She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic.

That's Michael. You're out with Michael? And Dwight. Hey-oh!

Now you sound like Kermit.

There. Now we're even.

Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us. - You're right. Sorry.

383 Linden Ave., Scranton, PA. - And May I have the last four digits of your social security? - 6650.

I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer. - Very funny, sir.

How did you get this number? - We're on a catamaran. - It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel that it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, 'cause you told me that your dad... had a bad heart.

I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.

And you'll be saved. Please, repeat what you're saying. I can't understand you! And you'll be saved.

We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny. We hung out with them a lot. Frank and Beans. Always makes her laugh.

This conversation has two items on the agenda. Did we have a conversation scheduled?

I have recently taken a lover. Well, that's great. Congratulations. Who's the lucky lady? Pam's mom.

Hey, Jim... Not now, Toby. My God! Jesus. Get the hell out of here, idiot!

I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy. No. Not more than anything.

Don't call her 'the mom.' She's right on my way home from work. Then take a different way home, man!

You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.

I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.

Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.

This aria is a joke. Really? What are you thinking? I was going to go with this one. Let me tell you something, if you respect him at all, you will get him something better.

Who's pickle? Who's pickle? Pamela Morgan Beesly.

Okay, just to be clear, you're terrible at this. And you're not equipped for espionage.

Pam fakes a shipping emergency to avoid lunch, Jim helps cover, and they share a knowing look

But at the same time, she goes crazy. And I do understand her reasoning. I know. I just need some time. Give me some time to think about it. You gotta do something. Give me some time to make a decision. How much time do you need? No more than a week. Maybe two.

And... The--the power comes from the back foot. So it's all one motion through the body. So there's-- you stay a little low. There's a twist. You keep your shoulder down. You kind of throw the arm.

Oh, man, that's crazy. Right as we were on our way out, too. I know. Isn't that always how it goes? Rarely, if ever.

Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive.

And then you stopped at the bar on the way back? Got thirsty.

They're mushrooms, they don't get that high.

Do you and Pam ever get frisky? Inappropriate. I mean, do you ever wrestle with each other?

She wants it bad, Michael.

Feel better? No, you were right.

I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.

Oh, my god, he's making you look like such a fool.

You two are so evenly matched, I don't know how one of you's gonna get the upper hand.

It's $1.99 to finish the article.

Jim's talking head about stopping Tube City

You don't have to keep saying 'I do declare.' Anytime you say something it means you're declaring.

I think Michael may have snapped. Or maybe he's just stuck in character.

Jim's talking head about co-managing and the lifeboat analogy

Andy revealed himself to be a double agent, at which point, Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was a double agent, and then, Michael announced to everybody that, get this, he was a double agent.

Oh, is today Recyclops Day? Yes. I thought you were killed by Polluticon or something. Polluticon wishes.

Don't do the twirl. Lose the twirl. Twirl sucks. Michael, I hated the twirl. Hate the twirl.

Town cars are actually better, though, better torque, better handling. He said limousine, so... Check it out, guys, there's a limo down here.

Doesn't seem like there's much of a point if the company's going under. But if the company doesn't go under, then we'll finally have all our contacts in one program. Company's probably going under, though.

Look, do you want to be able to tell your grandkids you stood up for yourself during America's biggest financial crisis? How is he going to have grandkids?

I'm a co-manager. That doesn't make you a boss. It's not like you can fire people or anything.

Who... How did you... Who told you this? We can't say. Ryan. Sorry. I'm plastered.

Like the time you said, 'Hey, look, we parked over here!' Well, that was apple-picking day. There was no need to yell that day. You know, I was just excited to find the car. Perfect end to a perfect day.

Visual gag: Jim putting Ryan in the annex closet as his 'new office'

There's about three news alerts from Nip Slip. For what? Nip Slip.

Did you murder someone? Worse than murder.

From what? Two to four? Yep.

Number nine, number nine, Jim Halpert.

Too loud. Too too loud, too loud. But effective. Look.

Hey, rockefeller center. I've actually been to rock center, And this is nothing like that.

Why would you start so high? 27... 3, 2, 1... 26...

You didn't decorate it. Why would you wrap it in a sheet If you're not covering anything up? Is--is it fake?

And we're supposed to applaud you For you taking a giant diaper off a fake tree?

Don't make me get bob involved. What would bob do? Never mind. I shouldn't have said that.

[laughs] yeah! [both chuckling] Totally. I admit it. It's me. Seriously? [chuckling] are you serious? Yeah. Totally serious. I'm your secret santa. Busted!

You can't yell out, 'I need this, I need this,' As you pin down an employee on your lap.

How do you know it's a gun? What else does it look like? Not a gun. Well, unless the missing pieces is a gun, You don't have a gun. Not a gun.

It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee.

I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.

Ignore him. He's the local lunatic. Come on, Dwight, get out of here. Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron.

You can consider this my retirement from comedy. Does that include 'that's what she said'? Yes. Wow, that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so... That's what she said!

Flernenton. Flonkerton.

Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas. You're so pathetic. Well, I hope it was worth it, because I'm going to take it apart in about five minutes. I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.

Question, what kind of bear is best? That's a ridiculous question. False. Black bear. Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought. Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

I'm pretty sure none of that's real. You're not real, man.

But I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified and smart. Everyone loves him. If he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. We just... We never got the timing right. But you know what, it's okay. I'm totally fine. Everything is going to be totally... Pam. Sorry. Are you free for dinner tonight? Yes. All right. Then it's a date.

Pam, will you marry me? Oh, my God!

Due to circumstances beyond my control... Impulsivity and inattention to detail... Hey, hey.

Why do I have to explain everything? Because we're usually not on the same page.

Co-manager, actually. In training. Trained. Loving it. Good at it, so...

Oh, you MapQuested it. It's four blocks away. Well, now we won't get lost. Or we could drive, and that takes one minute.

But if not, there's always the Army. The infantry. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Am I too old to go here?

No. Yes, we saw this, yes. No, it wasn't like a look around, we really just had a peek. Quick peek. Didn't focus on anything in particular. It's lovely.

Why didn't you just lock the door, man? It doesn't lock for the children's safety. Anybody could have walked in. It was story time.

Just 'cause you have liquid, that doesn't make it a toast.

You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly 'cause gravy ain't sweet. Is it, Jim? / I don't think so. / Michael? / Forget the question.

You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I think I'm definitely in it for the money, and quite honestly, the women.

If you visualize something, it can actually come true. / What? / I wonder if it works for other stuff.

Oh, Michael marked his heights. He's grown. / Mm.

Michael Scott, head of sales. / You gotta do something, man. You can't just sit there.

Do you want me to spin you in your chair and make you dizzy? / Why would I want to do that? / It's a thinking technique. All the top executives do it. It keeps the brain moving, and a spinning brain is a working brain.

It's not really 1992 anymore.

Well, the grass is always greener. / Yeah, except there's no grass out there. It's just a farty dirt patch.

Hey, what was that movie where their boss was within earshot, and they could have just gone and talked to her? / Lethal Weapon? / That's it. I think we should do it the 'Lethal Weapon' way.

Jo, I am a man of few words. I don't mince words. I try to use as few words as possible to express an idea or a thought or a concept. Along those lines-- / Jo, we made a mistake.

Um, please don't make it a habit. / I'm afraid I'm going to.

You cannot exploit your baby for sales.

I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.

Burning Man, Porta Potty.

I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.

I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she's gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy. She's crazy. I'm not crazy. She's crazy.

I called the doctor, like, a week ago. I couldn't wait.

I didn't know we had a tape measure.

Pam's doing great. Uh, she's 10 inches dilated now. Sorry, meters... Centimeters.

No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there are still 12 of each.

Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car.

Five tickets on the windshield.

She's 10 inches dilated now. Sorry, meters... Centimeters.

But no baby yet. It's only been six... Nineteen hours.

No, don't push. Pull! Pull!

Gotta go wash my eyes.

No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there are still 12 of each.

Eleven pounds, four... She's seven pounds, two ounces, 18 inches. Seven pounds.

There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you.

I can't. She's too strong.

Do you want to try it, Jim? Mmm-mmm. I think you're good. Doing a good job.

Yeah, maybe it'll be good 'cause then she can, like, socialize with the other babies.

Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there.

Wrong baby. What? Wrong baby. This is not our baby!

Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car.

Five tickets on the windshield.

I thought my mother was my father and my wet nurse was my mother. / That's a common mistake.

Jo doesn't like michael anymore... Mm.

How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work?

* Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon * [Jim trying to work while Dwight sings loudly]

I'm not surprised that dwight's using my baby to steal my desk. But I'm a little surprised that it's working.

And by the way, seriously, we never, never do this.

Look at him, t-shirt, jeans. - Is it you? - I am flattered.

Where do I find the black pearl? Captain jack sparrow. John dillinger. No. I'm captain jack sparrow. Captain crunch.

Remember how you felt when you thought you'd seen roger clemens? At the yankees game. - Yeah. Well, it wasn't him.

M. Night shulman?

Honey, if I don't have time to answer an email, I definitely don't have time to walk over to your desk.

Wow wowie wowie.

There's other pencils in this office. Gimme--I--

When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, a certain manager will go to his moppy place. He means his mopey place. It's under that street lamp that he thinks was in casablanca.

God, I love you. Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally.

Colder. Cold...Er. Warmer. Colder. Colder. C-- Warmer. Warmer... Hot! Hotter... Burning hot! Lower... Are you-- lower... Are you sure? Low...Er...

What are you doing, idiot? Michael's stupid scavenger hunt. Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it. The prankster is getting pranked. Ha ha.

Hi, you know those very valuable, expensive leads that you gave us earlier today? Well, because of a screw-up by a staff member, they're now in the city dump. Not your staff, michael. You.

Don't use your cute baby to make us like you. She's wearing a onesie. stop it.

We get it-- you eat like royalty. No, no. This is a representation of how we feel. And how we feel is really sorry.

2% milk! What I forgot for the coffee. Yeah, treats, stanley. They've accepted our simple offer of treats only, nothing more.

He's got all this weight that's helping him go down.

Has that ever happened? Ever? / Didn't we? I think we did.

I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I love her. I also love her very much.

I did not see this coming.

Well, apparently Michael Scott is on a date, and that... That, my friend, changes everything.

Wow! Maybe we should tell her he's not normally like this. / Maybe it should come from a man. / Maybe it should come from a note. / With flowers. Tomorrow.

Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady. / Actually you didn't. Not at all.

You couldn't have watered it? I literally did not know that existed until this moment. Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die.

'Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck, because a Mrs. Fields Cookies just opened up at the mall!'

'Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn't been on in many cookies.'

I'm going to have to suspend you without pay for two days. You can't just suspend someone from work. Yeah, you're right. You know what? You're suspended too, Jim.

And I gotta take this bad attitude and I gotta go home and I got to adjust it.

Michael's having a hard time with the gender part of spanish. So I told him to mark everything With the international symbol for gender. And, um... I should have been more specific. Your office is full of genitalia.

'I just delivered a baby. They didn't offer me a guarantee.' Yeah, or maybe we don't even need that.

You look exactly alike. Oh, no, we're actually married. We're not brother and sister. I have a sense about these things. All right. You have some ancestors in common... Somewhere back. I knew it. You should see their baby.

What was that printer we were looking at? [awkward silence where nobody responds]

Don't act like you understood anything that guy said. Good luck, wingman.

Actually, ran the numbers on this, And in this case, it makes more financial sense To gain money.

'cause I stopped by your desk like 15 times a day. I was after your money. Well, the joke was on you.

Do you like mints? Yes. I carry mints with me sometimes. You ever tried those? Oh, I haven't tried those. No. They're good. You want one? Sure.

What sort of movie would rudy have been If he had just stopped, given up, After two rejections? Would have been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier. But it would have ultimately been a disappointment.

Well, you know what? Joke's on you. 'cause I know morse code. Ha! Yeah. That's what we're doing. In our very limited free time And with our very limited budget, We went and got a nanny and then we went out And took a class on a very outmoded And very unnecessary form of communication just so We could talk about you in front of you.

Jim. Are you clicking a detonator? - It's a pen. - Michael, come on.

I live in a fantasy world. - You do? - Yes, jim, I do.

But you didn't believe any of this was true Five minutes ago. That's what makes it so wrong.

It's cece. She's never gonna do anything wrong. - Isn't that something? - Wow.

What does Bin Laden... Is there a curtain rod in the room?

After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours.

And if you get stuck and you don't know what to do, make a random sound effect. Okay, farting noise, whatever.

You were supposed to be the lookout. Yeah, well, it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag.

I don't even know why you're screaming at me right now. I'm not screaming. I'm not screaming.

I could have stopped him.

I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet.

This is just a mystery novel that I've been working on. I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter. I'm just curious, why would a man who hates people want to have a relationship with a maid? I don't know... The way I look at it, there's only one of two reasons. He knows a secret about her that she doesn't know herself. Or he wants to use her services to mop up after a murder.

My mind is going a mile an hour. That fast?

I weirdly know exactly what you're saying to me. So, I'll see you in Meredith's van in five minutes. Okay, you didn't need to actually say that.

It is so boring where we work. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue. Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue.

Okay, look, I get it, people. I'm the lame IT guy and everybody hates me. Hey, listen, man, you can't take it personally. You call me 'man'? I just said my name, just now. Did you forget it already? No, sport.

Hey, Dwight, I don't know if you heard, but we're supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks instead of cups, like regular people. Oh, you did hear.

'Jo, they're creating a hostile work environment. Stop them.'

Oh, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips.

Well, you know, they don't call me 'The Bart Simpson of Scranton' for nothing. Do they call you that? They do call me that.

Also, there's pee on the floor. Oh. Of course there is.

These are actually forks and knives from the break room

Prove it

He has a lot of issues, and he's stupid

While using the 'f' word?

Did you assume that I would automatically side With the rich, snobby shop owner?

Before me stands your coworker, Dwight Kurt Schrute. Dwight, show them all sides, turn around

That's awful. Everyone's gonna miss that guy.

My parents used to scramble to find babysitters So they could take my little brother to do stuff.

Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about.

Neiche!

Sounds like cece.

Babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way.

You didn't have to boo him. Well, he was getting a lot of applause, And I just didn't think it was indicative Of how people were really feeling.

Boo! I appreciate the feedback.

I think we have, like, a gift bottle of irish cream. Yeah? We could put that in orange juice. Get it. Yeah? Let's get our juice on.

It's just good to catch a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.

What port? The Jan port? The Holly port?

Just admit that your baby was a mistake. Whoa! Hey, our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise.

He's not 'the' Steve Nash. He's... He's big, though. He's kind of like Scranton's Steve Nash.

No. No? Nothing? No, Mr. Jock Hipster.

It appears Dan's Sherpa survived to tell the tale... Oh, my God! What? Is Dan okay? No, he died.

You know, I forget about milk. This is a terrific reminder.

Also, he slept with Pam. No, he didn't.

You know I have a kid with you, right? Aah!

You are busy! We're in a meeting! What? It's Jim, okay? Yes.

Yes. What'd he say? What did he say? The big gun thing. Stop.

It's like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped and drowned.

Like the movie. I think you mean The Sting. Paul Newman, Robert Redford. They're bank robbers? Nope. Different movie. It's called The Stinger. The Sting.

Meredith Van Helsing? Van Helsing was a respected professor before he was a vampire killer. Okay. But what is he more famous for?

Yeah, he is that good-looking. Okay? He's very, very handsome.

Oh, my God! He's making her sell to him.

I'm going in! I'm going in! Michael! No, Michael, stop it!

Jim refusing to put on Popeye costume despite Pam's Olive Oyl

Jim's talking head about being too old for costumes even as a kid

Jim and Pam were Romeo and Juliet except Juliet didn't have a great time

Danny not remembering if it was two or three dates with Pam

Halpert, you looking for someone to bang your wife?

Who doesn't call a dork like that back?

Jim and Pam as Popeye and Olive Oyl doing voices

So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you. Yes. I would welcome it. You're welcome.

But I'm the godfather. It is really funny, but you know That can be confusing at a christening, Because you are not the godfather. Are you talking to me?

Somebody needs a change. Right now? Well, she can't bring this up with her.

We have an extra outfit in the bag. No. There's no extra outfit in the bag. You said you checked it. I did...Say that.

Okay, 'a, ' "halbert"? And, 'b, ' I think a more appropriate statement would be, "the halberts are hosting an intimate reception For their invited guests."

I think that was sconesy cider, Noted baptism reception critic.

Jim, Jim, I want to give a toast. Where's the little girl of honor? I don't know, dad. I don't know.

What kind of a person steals scones From a baby? Someone put them in my bag.

Is anyone still at the church? No. Actually, most of them went to go see a movie. What? Shut up. Yeah.

Just say copies. Why do you have to drag cats into this?

I've always considered us to be very good friends. Great friends.

I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding Cece, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest--If I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything.

Well, since I have no incentive to sell, I've cleaned my car, organized my desk, and taken a multivitamin. So... What now?

Yeah, so we can celebrate Thanksgiving-me-your-money day. / That's humorous. Thank you.

You may be crazy. / Don't. / I'm just saying that I think I agree with your point. / Yeah, but in a jokey way where you're gonna start singing.

Well, 'a' for effort, right?

And my daughter, Cece, dances on your grave fully clothed.

What do you know about boobs? Michael, I have to tell you something. It's from rocky ii.

I lied about some aspects of the building. It's still on a bike path, though, right? There's no building. It doesn't exist.

Here's a question nobody's asking, is this worth it? Don't answer that.

Oh, my God! It's the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate, and cuddle up with Papa and tell him about all your Christmas dreams? It's not even a real snow. Look, it's a dusting. It's pitiful.

Well, it's not a snowball, 'cause it's only a dusting. Right?

Look at that. There's a pebble in there. You could have killed me! Don't be such a baby. Yeah, who's a little girl now?

Very well, then I challenge you to a snowball fight on the first real snow of winter. You got it. That sounds awesome. Can we all do it? No, Andy, it's a snowball fight. It's not fun. Go get your own thing. Beat it.

He's rubbing his neck. He's rubbing his neck! Scranton Strangler!

That was the worst joke ever.

The name is Bond. Santa Bond. I'll have an eggnog, shaken, not stirred. Classic Brosnan.

Could you just stop moving your calves so much while you're talking?

Could he help us with some parking tickets? I don't think that's appropriate. Well, then he's not a senator.

I would, but I don't want to get dirty. There might be girls at the party. Why do you always think that girls are gonna be at the party? No one invited girls. It's just us.

And, then... 'How about icing it? LOL. Dwight.'

I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer, and some people you don't. And that's just the way it is. And I can be mature about that.

Damn it, Dwight! Didn't think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing, did you, Jim?

Oh, my God. You like it? I love it. Yep, I do make great Christmas gifts.

You hit Pam in the face with a snowball while I watch. You're a psychopath.

What are you gonna do now? You gonna make fun of our leader's weird voice, huh? 'Dwight, don't be bothered...' Over the line, Jim.

Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag. Oh, come on. That sounds awesome. It was pretty cool. Was it? It was fun. It was... It was pretty awesome.

Because if Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy. And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life.

Michael and Jim dance celebration with escalating moves

Oh, come on. That sounds awesome. It was pretty cool. Was it? It was fun. It was... It was pretty awesome.

And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life.

Hey, hey, hey. Want me to crank the thermostat to 90? Smoke her out? She can't keep those mittens on forever.

'I get super flexible when I'm nervous' with Jim stretching

Jim's pep talk: 'They're a bunch of jackals... You did this. Bring it home.'

Jim's childhood reading group story - blue group vs green group

'My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with'

All right, what'd you do? Well, those things that you consider doodles, I consider art.

Three hints. One, when you're getting colder, you're really getting warmer. The fridge.

Well, I'm going the speed limit. Okay, fine. My feelings don't matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit.

All right, let me turn on some music. I need to pee! No, you don't. Yeah, I do. My word against yours.

A tiny thing. I locked her in the car. What? She's smiling. She's happy. Oh, my God.

But you're not holding a cup of coffee or anything, are you? Jim, what?

We decided to have a Valentine's Day lunch, and then that way we can spend the entire night with Cece, and avoid the Valentine's Day dinner thing.

Never found that bottom, did we? No. Pssst! Pssst!

It's this horrible plipping sound. Just... (imitating kissing)

You would hardly even know that they were husband and wife. Did it. Yeah!

Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office. No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place.

Okay, this is much worse than before. Yeah, I agree. This is nasty.

Yeah, if Michael Scott did your home movie.

We thought it was a comedy. Everything pointed to it being a comedy.

Dwight does not play a robot.

I did not love the dialog, or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist, who will remain nameless.

I think I was just relieved to see that Michael Scarn got his confidence back.

Yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot.

No, no, he's doing it to catch the President. No, no, Dwight, he's just being stupid.

Be assured this day will come. It's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months. Three months. - Could be. - Four months.

494 months. I could see that happening. 495 months. That's just...

You know, I cleaned up our daughter for, like, an hour at 4:00 A.M. This morning, so... So you know the feeling.

'Cause I want to let bygones be bygones, show you I'm cool. You're the new guy. It's cold out. I made too much. That's a lot of reasons.

Does Edgar Allen poe know about that one? So sinister.

Who is justice beaver? He... it's a crime-fighting beaver.

I put a sign-up sheet in the conference room, and I signed us up for three mods. A mod is five minutes, and it started two minutes ago, so...

There are 400 of these. Yeah, I couldn't cut it down. They're all good.

'Number three... eat a frog.' That sounds promising. 'Number four... eat a dog.'

'Eat a brog.' Maybe it's 'cause I didn't understand it.

I love her. I, uh, I actually don't know why I brought that, because it's kind of priceless. $10. Mmm, no. 200. 500. 20. 45. Get lost. Damn it.

In case? In case of what? Well, you know, in case... Maybe something changes. I don't have an 'in case.' No.

Professor copperfield's miracle legumes? I was in jamaica, and I got lost. And it was getting dark this one night, and then out of nowhere, this guy comes with a cart, Dwight, he told me things about myself

So you want to sell me magic beans? Correction. Nice try. No, correction. Terrible try.

I'm really sorry. All right, just out of curiosity, They're legumes, dwight. And you're just gonna make fun of me, so why would i?

A gas station? Well, it was when she was working in new york, That must have been a surprise, when, at the gas station, you proposed. No, it was really It was really sweet. It was raining and You didn't say that the weather was bad.

And that is dallas. Nice. Not bad, right? I can't really tell. I know, right? What the Oh, my god. That It is, right? I mean, it's impossible.

All right, I'll take 'em. They're probably worthless. Probably. Leave the telescope.

How'd we do? $13. That's great.

Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? Mmm... No. But life goes on. Not for me.

What started as an affair has blossomed into a family before our eyes. Well, it wasn't... It wasn't an affair. Yes, it was.

Someone started off on a good foot with the new boss. Yeah, they don't ever talk about careers that were made because of unplanned pregnancies.

I didn't know Dwight wanted to be manager.

And we turn back, and she has spelled out the word 'Ass' in the blocks. So we're laughing, she's grinning... It was so funny. Kids are a riot. They really do say the darndest things.

We sort of do more of like powwows and what-ups. God! Okay, well, powwows, then.

Enough about your baby, okay? I'm sorry. Well, we were just... I think she was just trying to... No, no, no, I know what you're doing. Just quit it.

Deangelo's great. I love the guy. But I'm not sure he's a good fit for the office. And also, I'm not sure if I love the guy.

Guess how much weight I lost. Two hundred and two pounds? 203. I beat it by one. I beat it by one.

Surprise! Congratulations! You and Pam have both been nominated for Dundie Awards.

Always the Padawan, never the Jedi.

I'm sorry, that just wasn't interesting to me.

Oh, I totally don't know where Michael is, dude. Hey, you want to listen to some records?

Cece, if you're watching this at home, it's way past your bedtime. By the way, how'd this get televised?

Best boss I ever had.

Oh, there is an inner circle. Oh, yeah. There is no inner circle.

That's Toys 'R' Us, I think. No, that's definitely a knockoff. You can feel the center of gravity is off.

Oh, like, nobody, it was... Pam? Was it Pam? Oh, my gosh. That sounds like Pam. You know how she gets. Kevin, she can get really bitchy.

Jim watching through window, clearly wanting in but unable to enter